Original subtitles

I can't believe how crowded that store was. I think everybody left their

shopping till tonight.

Oh, I don't believe it. Those women, they're crazy. I know.

Pushing, shoving, bumping into me.

I'm going back tomorrow.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya.

We tease him a lot, but we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back.

I'd like you to meet Ms. Wright.

Ms. Wright!

Well, my mother always said I'd meet you someday.

Thank you.

This, Ms. Wright, has nothing to do with your sick fantasies, Carter.

Get my sick fantasies out of this, Mr. Woodman.

At least until you get me that ostrich I requested.

Ms. Wright is a Phi Beta Kappa graduate of Jones College, specially trained in

remedial methods.

Principal Lazarus wants her to have on -the -job training until she gets her

class. Oh, like student -teach?

Well, in my school, we're referred to as educational guidance associates.

In this school, you'll be referred to as hamburger helper.

Make yourself at home, look around.

Watch her carefully, Carter. Remember what happened to the last student

-teacher. What happened to her?

Oh, she's doing fine.

sent me a ceramic wallet from the home.

So, you made it in ghetto, huh?

Yes, and this is wonderful. It's so remedial. It's just like our mock -up

in Educational Development and Guidance.

Right, right. Slum Trading 101.

I took a toilet.

Let me show you around. You know, this is a very famous classroom.

In fact, in this chair right here once sat Bonzo Moretti.

Yes, I've heard of him.

You have?

Mm -hmm.

There's a whole chapter about him in one of our textbooks.

It's called, There Are No Bad Boys, So Please Don't Shoot.

You know, Bonzo wasn't the toughest kid in my class.

Toughest kid was Benito Bloomberg.

Benito was voted most likely to invade Poland.

Sat right over there. Right in between Ramon, I can eat more hamburgers than

you, Benson.

And Phyllis, I'm saving everything for my second marriage, Feinstein.

It's a very famous classroom here, Miss Wright. Some of the best teachers in the

city have passed through these windows.

Mr. Carter, I love it. Students never change, do they?

Arnold is easy.

Call Vinnie, he delivers.

Juan Epstein does what?

To whom?

Miss Wright, don't pay any attention to that.

They like to brag.

What is that, emergency phone numbers?

Oh, no, I guess you could call it my Bible.

Well, it might work on vampires, but not sweat hogs.

This is the Jones College guidebook for remedial specialists.

I rely on it for everything.

I should warn you, one teacher to another, that these kids are not out of

books. This is like working in an amusement park.

It's like going through Lion Country Safari wearing a meatloaf suit.

Well, it's time to enter the Magic Kingdom.

I don't understand.

You will. Just follow me.

Here they are. Held over for the second straight semester.

Living color.

I'd like you all to meet somebody.

Everybody say hello to your new student teacher, Ms. Wright.

You were going to teach?

Here?

Us?

I'm so sorry.

Look, they brought us a rookie.

Yeah, I give her two weeks with us, and she's going to shave her head and be

selling incense on the corner of 42nd Street.

All right, all right. Look, Miss Wright is going to be spending a couple of days

with us. I want you to show her some respect.

Hello?

Hello?

Just show her the same respect you show me, okay?

the same respect you show me when I threaten to keep everybody after school

until August.

Hello. Hello.

Well,

these are your basic sweat hogs.

Now I think it's time we started class. Why don't you have a seat?

Okay. Now I have just completed grading your essays on if... Iowa President of

the United States.

And I found them so very interesting.

And I think some of them have to be shared with the rest of the class.

All right, I would like to start out with this one. It has a real snappy

If I Were the D .C. Main Man.

By Mr.

F. B .B. Washington.

The B .B. stands for...

Since you're so proud of this, why don't you read it for everybody?

All right.

Hi there.

If I was the president, there would be equality

for everyone I see.

Why? You want to know why?

Because I believe in change.

I think we should change our national anthem. Or at least get a better

I asked you, did you?

Did you ever try to dance to the Star Spangled Banner?

Yes, brothers and sisters, I believe in change.

You got any ideas for change, you send them to me. You ain't got no change,

send a phone.

So far, we are still expecting.

But any day now. Mr. Arnold Horschak. Thank

you. No, really, thank you.

Ahem.

If I was president of these United...

If I was president of these United States, I would do away with

the office of vice president.

Why do I need an understudy?

I would appoint Vinnie Barbarino as my minister of affairs.

the Department of Health, Education, and Groucho.

Thank you, Arnold. Now this elephant got my pajamas, I'll never know.

Miss Wright,

would you like to take the wheel for a while? Go ahead.

Hello, boys and girls.

Your seating.

What for?

To make sure you're alphabetical.

Well, I ain't. I'm Italian.

No, I mean... A, B, C, D... G, E, F...

I heard that. It's a good tune.

Well, are you?

What?

of the alphabet.

Where?

In this class.

Allow me to rectify myself, Miss Wright.

We are alphabetical.

What's your name?

Juan Epstein.

Does what to who? Don't touch me!

Alphabetically, shouldn't the A's be sitting where you are?

Well, yeah, that's absolutely correct.

You see, because like every time I come into the room, everybody goes, A -E -P

-S -T.

A -E -P -S -T. A -E -P -S -T. A -E -P -S -T. Right, right. Here you go.

O -O.

O -O.

O -O. O -O. O -O. Yes.

And I should be sitting where the O's sit.

Because at least once in every class I go,

also give me a chance to check your racial balance.

Well, we either come out with half a Puerto Rican or half a Jew left over.

My family, we couldn't afford our own background.

We shared ours with a Chinese family downstairs.

You ever try Moo Goo Guy grits?

My grandparents, they came from Sicily in a bottom of a boat filled with olive

oil. The minute it docked, they slid into Brooklyn.

That's right. I traced my family tree.

continue with what Mr. Cotter was doing, reading essays on. If I were president

of the United States, I have one here by Mr.

Epstein.

I'm begging your pardon, ma 'am, but you see, I wrote a poem there, not an

essay, and I'd rather not read it.

Oh, but you must take pride in your work. Youth of names enforces identity.

Come on, Mr. Cotter, do I gotta?

Miss Ray is a teacher.

had a sudden attack of

laryngitis.

Signed, Dr.

Epstein's mother.

Student refuses to read essay. Student refuses to read essay. Read essay for

him. Very well, I shall have to read this for you.

If I were... President by Mr. Epstein, if I were president for just one day,

take everyone's worries and just throw them all away.

Oh, how nice.

Oh, how nice.

Oh, how nice.

I'd pull all the weeds and plant some flowers where they've been, because a

flower's like a person. It always blooms in the end.

Hey,

I asked you not to read it. I really did. That's for Mr.

Carter to read.

What are you trying to do? You come in here, you're trying to change things.

put us in alphabetical. Yeah, you put us in alphabetical order. And then you ask

us about our ethnic background.

What's your ethnic background?

White bread.

No, that's cafeteria.

Come on. Hey, it ain't in the book. Come on, it ain't in the book. Look at me.

I'm the one that's talking to you. And I asked you, and I asked you nice not to

read it.

All right, Juan. Come on, just take it easy.

Well, congratulations on setting a new record. You just destroyed a career in

under ten minutes.

Buchanan, hi!

Looks like a lot of mail.

You got a chain letter?

Yes.

Oh, Miss Wright, listen.

I wanted to apologize for what happened this morning.

No, Mr. Cotter, it's not their fault. It was mine. I'm a failure as a teacher.

I ran, Mr. Cotter.

I never should have majored in ghetto.

I should have majored in suburb.

Look, we've got to help her. We need her kind of training. And I have a gut

feeling that there's a heck of a teacher in there somewhere.

Plus, if Principal Lazarus finds out she's quit, it's my donkey.

Mr. Woodman, really good.

Ms. Wright, look, I understand how you feel, but you can't let one little

incident cause you to quit.

I'm sorry, Mr. Cotter. I'm just not prepared for them.

Ah, they're nothing.

Your generation has it easy.

What was it like in your day, Mr. Woodman? Well, let me put it this way.

knows the trouble...

about it, Mr. Woodman, but Wardville's dead.

Now, believe me, Carter, those were the tough years, Frank, when they had ink

wells.

You ever drink a thermos bottle of ink?

I coughed Rorschach tests for a whole week.

Didn't they have spankings in those days?

Yes, but my students only spanked me once.

Mr. Wright, look, let me try and help you, okay?

Let's pretend that this is a class.

Now, what you've got to do is you've got to capture their attention, you know,

their imagination.

Now, I do it with humor.

Say that New York City has a financial crisis.

Hey, kids, you know New York City has a financial crisis?

I've got a way to solve it. The mayor should go begging one day a week.

Excuse me, mister, spare $100 ,000 for a new bus?

Then the class would laugh.

Mr. Bell, this is a pretend class.

I'm pretending it's over.

Nobody knows the trouble I see.

Nobody knows.

All right, look, I know that she's not what you're used to,

but you got to give her a chance.

I mean, yesterday was the first time in front of a real class.

Oh, that's great.

That's the first time you called it a real class.

Good morning, Ms. Wright. Good morning. Good morning.

Well,

we just got underway. Want to take it from the start? Mm -hmm.

And thanks for your advice. I know just what to do.

Ms. Wright, about yesterday, I'm really sorry.

It's just that, you know, you weren't capturing my style.

In your mouth with a sandwich.

Actually, it's nice to be working anywhere again.

I know you're out there. I can hear you breathing.

Being a teacher reminds me of the story of this student who asked his father,

where are the Himalayas?

And his father answered, if you'd put your things away when you were through

playing with them, maybe.

You can find them.

I'm rolling.

I hear New York is having a financial

crisis. Why don't we have a fire sale?

I can't go on with this. This just isn't me.

Where are you going?

I'm quitting.

Hey, no, you're not. You can't quit. Why not? I'm a lousy teacher.

So what?

It's only because we lousy students.

We can't quit.

You're right. Look, I'm afraid I gave you a bum steer.

You tried to do it by the book, and now you just try to do me.

Why don't you try to be yourself?

You can't quit.

I mean, what would this world be like if everybody just quit?

A lot like this class.

Yeah. Well, we'd be if Mr. Carter would have walked out on us, huh?

Still in the ninth grade.

We all learn the same basic things in life. Doesn't matter if you're a teacher

or if you're a student.

You can't stop learning.

Try it again.

Come on, try it. You can't go home again. Come on, try it again.

But I just...

Don't know how to talk to them.

Whatever you're going to teach them, just teach them as yourself.

Okay.

Okay.

Yesterday you were discussing presidents of the United States.

So today I had wanted to tell you about President Buchanan.

Boy, that name sounds familiar.

Benny, that's the guy who the school was named after, President Buchanan.

If they named this school after me, it must have been a lousy president.

Well, actually, you're right. I mean, he was a lousy president. He was our 15th

president, and he was largely responsible for the Civil War.

Well, that wasn't so bad.

A lot of great songs came out of that war.

Yeah, yeah, if it wasn't for the Civil War, can you imagine how doggone what

win would have been?

of dull, President James Buchanan spent four years in his office staring at

portraits on the wall, wondering if he was better looking than George

Washington.

Hey, you know what?

He probably would have made a terrific sweetheart.

Hey, tell him more about this guy. Tell him about it. Well, he was the only

president that never got married.

I guess he never had a date.

And that's the way it was.

Nearly 200 years ago...

This bicentennial moment is brought to you by our teacher, Ms. Wright.

You're doing it, aren't I? I'm teaching. I'm really teaching. You certainly are.

Welcome to the battle for the brains, teacher.

Thank you. So what happened? Was he better looking or not? Was he impeached?

Julie, did you ever think about my uncle, Wilford K.

Cotter? You mean the strange one?

Boy, was he strange.

Yeah. Strange guy. One time he goes to the psychiatrist.

He says, Doc, do you think it's possible for a man to be in love with an

elephant?

That's ridiculous.

That's what the doctor said. Mr.

Wilford K. Cotter, that is ridiculous. A man cannot be in love with an elephant.

Well, my uncle looked kind of sad, and he said, All right, but can you tell me

where I can get rid of an engagement ring this big?

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya?

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.