Original subtitles

Julie, ever tell you about my cousin Shermie? Never said anything until he

nine years old.

No, I never heard about that one.

It is a true story. It amazed medical science.

This young boy, he never said anything until he was nine years old. All of a

sudden, one day, he comes down for breakfast.

My Uncle Max looks at him. He says, cereal cold.

Uncle Max says, what did you say?

Cereal cold.

He says, Shermie, for nine years, you didn't say anything. How come all of a

sudden this morning you say cereal cold?

Shermie says, well, Up till now, everything's been all right.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here where we need ya. Yeah, we tease him a lot. But

got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

What's happening?

Hey, boo -boo.

Hi, Barry.

Hey, Freddie. I was wondering if you could go to the Sadie Hawkins dance with

Saturday night.

Saturday night? Yeah. Well, you see, I'm not sure if I might be free then, you

know?

See, I might have to stay home and wash my hair.

Okay, Freddie.

You got two choices Saturday night.

Either you go to the dance with me or you go to the hospital alone.

I'd love to take you to a dance. Anytime.

I thought so.

Girls asking guys out.

I think the whole thing is stupid.

You know when they should be able to ask us out?

When they can get us in trouble.

Hey, let me get this straight now.

Can I ask any guy out on Sadie Hawkins Day?

Yes, you got it on. I see.

Epstein got a note.

So, big deal.

Epstein's always got a note.

When he was born, he had a note explaining why he was late.

Yeah, but Mr. Carter, this is a note to Epstein. Oh, wait, wait, wait. If it's a

note to Epstein, then it's Epstein's own personal property.

Unless he wants to share it with us.

Hey, you guys are my friends, right? Come on, let's check it out. Come on,

does it say?

Do you want...

Roses are red, violets are blue. My kid wants to date a Puerto Rican Jew.

Sign Juanita Levine's mother.

Looks like you got a date, Juan. Okay, come on, sit down.

Let's take a 10 to the end.

And the sun is here. Cut it.

Pardon me.

Pardon me.

What's the matter, Mr. Wooper? Missed a payment on your tie?

Oh, it's worse than that.

Miss Fishbet was trailing me.

She's going to ask me to go to that dance.

Mr.

Woodman, if there's one thing you are not, it's a sweetheart.

Uh, Mr. Woodman?

Hi there.

What's wrong with Miss Fishbeck?

What's wrong with Miss Fishbeck?

big brown paper bag over her head wouldn't cure.

You know, Mr. Woodman, you'd probably be better off staying home and playing

strip solitaire.

Epstein, get bent.

Check it for me, will you? Try to see if the coast is clear.

I don't believe... All right, Louie, you can make a...

I guess this is it.

Goodbye.

So, Vinnie, who are you going with to the dance?

Well, I ain't decided yet who I'm going to let take me.

I may have to hold the raffle.

Yeah, the winner gets a turkey.

Well,

I think that the Sadie Hawkins idea is a terrific one.

It is high time the tables were turned.

And girls found out what it feels like to get turned down for a date.

I am not easy.

I take it you don't have a date yet.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Mr. Carter, could I rent the missus for Saturday night?

Hey, Arnold, give me a break.

I mean, she still might ask me.

All right.

Bye -bye. Wait up, wait up. See you.

Scott, don't forget your social studies don't work.

Mr. Carter, even though I think this whole Sadie Hawkins thing is a stupid

I think I should give Arnold a few pointers on getting a date.

Over here.

Now,

the first thing you got to do is Vinnie Barbarino look.

Okay? Your hair, for instance. Very casual.

It should look like it's being blown by unseen winds.

How's that?

Yeah, that looks better.

All right. The second is Vinnie Barbarino stance.

Okay? Now, when you're with a girl, you don't want to let her know that you're

there, right? Very nonchalant.

Okay? Keep your eyes closed. Stand in the corner.

Vinny,

you're going to give yourself a third -degree corduroy burn.

All right. Now loosen up. We've got to loosen up here, all right?

All right.

Start to relax.

I think your pants are under arrest.

You want me to try? Yeah, would you do that?

better for him than it does for me.

What are you talking about, Vinny?

I don't got a date yet for that stupid dance.

Me, Vinny Barbarino.

Nobody's asked you?

I know.

I can't believe it.

Hey, you want to tell one of the guys, will you?

No, Vinny.

Oh, that's good. I knew you'd understand.

You know, because you're older and you're married.

and your life is pretty much over now.

Well, I mean, like, as far as the fun part goes.

I know what you mean, Vinny.

You know what I do for a good time now?

I go down to the Cutray drugstore, and I have a Maalox malt.

Then for kicks, I come home, and I turn on the TV, and I get undressed in front

of the bionic woman.

Yeah, I'll make it quick. We're talking private here.

I can't understand why you're having any trouble, Vinny. You certainly do have a

way with women.

I know. That's why it don't make no sense.

Vinny, when you're done in here, could I talk to you?

I want to ask you something.

Yeah, maybe, if I got some time.

Bye, Sean.

Vinny? Yeah?

What's the matter with you?

You scared me half to death.

Don't you understand what happened? Sean Mayne left her book here on purpose so

she should come back and ask you to go to the dance.

Well, then what stopped it?

I think it was your charming personality.

Thank you, Mr. Collins.

B, let me tell you a little story. Oh, no, please. Don't tell me one of your

stories.

You'll enjoy this one.

When I went to school here, my best friend's name was Bonzo Moretti. Right,

know him.

All right, well, this isn't about Bonzo. It's about his sister, Betty.

You got it?

Yeah, Betty Moretti.

Betty Moretti was the cutest girl in this school, but nobody ever asked her

go out because everybody thought she always had a date.

So the cutest girl was sitting home alone every night.

I guess you'd like to know what happened, right?

No.

Well, finally somebody did ask her to go out. It was No -Face Finkelman.

Talk like this.

Oh, my name is No -Face Finkelman.

I got no face on me.

Now, No -Face was not the best -looking guy in school.

No, don't sound that way.

So I know what happened, right?

They went to the dance, they had a good time, and they went steady, right?

No. No face happened to get a little fresh with Betty, and Bonzo beat him to

pulp.

But the thing is that the best -looking girl in school was sitting home alone

without a date.

Boy, that's some terrific story.

Why don't you send it in to Rita's Digest?

Don't you see? I mean, it's relevant to what's happening here. You don't have a

date because...

Would you like to go to the Sadie Hawkins dance with me?

Sure.

But would it be okay if I opened my eyes so I could see who you are?

Oh, Vincenzo, why don't you look on the bright side of things? Gives you a

Saturday night free to stay home and catch up on your homework.

Don't you realize if I don't go out Saturday night, how boring my

going to be.

Father O'Malley looks forward to seeing me all week long.

Horchak. Huh? What are you doing?

I'm combing my hair with unseen wind.

Yo, Vinnie.

All right.

So who's taking you to the City Hawkins dance tomorrow night?

Who's going to escort our Italian stallion?

And it better not be my sister.

Well, don't worry about it, Juan.

Because I'm bringing a mystery guest.

All right.

Alright, okay now. Let me guess. Let me guess.

Is she tall?

Well, she... Is she short?

Sort of. Which?

Tall or short?

Both. Vinnie, how could she be both?

Well, parts of her are tall and parts of her are short.

Hey, Freddie.

Yeah? Do you think that you could kind of help me brush up on some of the new

dances for the dance tomorrow night? Oh, sure. Which ones do you need to learn?

All of them. them right okay we're gonna start with the hustle all right okay

okay now the first thing i want you to do is i want you to feel your hips

now with your hand feel them with your

head i don't think they'll reach

epstein just watch me epstein give me a beat

One, two, three.

Follow me.

One, two, three.

Not too far.

Oh, I got it. I got the music in me.

This is supposed to be a school, not Salt, right?

I was just showing the guys here some new steps for the dance tomorrow night.

Oh.

Well, I'm going to the dance myself.

Oh, yeah? I thought you wasn't going.

Well, I wasn't, but Miss Fishbeck, she caught me off guard.

She hid in the faculty men's room.

When I walked in, she jumped out of a stall and popped the question.

You know, Washington, I used to be a pretty good dancer myself.

Really? Let me see that step again.

Oh, sure. Epstein, let me get that beat one more time.

that Jackson 5 don't talk about.

Carter, I'm just brushing up on the latest steps for the Sadie Hawkins

You resent me because I'm with it and you're not.

all week, but you wouldn't by any chance be free to go with me to the dance

tomorrow night?

Well,

it shows pretty good taste that you ask.

But, um, I would have got a date for that dance tomorrow night.

Sure, that's what I figured.

Well, maybe another time.

Yeah, maybe another time.

So, you got a date after all?

No.

and why'd you turn that girl down? She was really cute.

You don't understand, Mr. Carter. I'm Vinnie Barbarino.

I got a reputation to think of.

I mean, what would those guys think if they knew I got a date the day before

dance?

Well, my friend, I hope you and your reputation have a good time together

tomorrow night.

Come on, Michael, let's get it on.

Well, little girl, how'd you like to play homeroom?

Don't you want to get a passing grade in social studies?

This is great up here. Just you, me.

And Vinny.

Hi, kids.

Vinny, why aren't you downstairs with everybody else? Julie, Julie, would you

excuse me for a minute?

Sure. See you later, honey.

Vinny, what are you doing here?

Come on, let's go down to the dance floor.

I just can't, Mr. Carter, not without a date.

I mean, the guys would be so disappointed in me.

I mean, you've got no idea what kind of pressure I'm under being a living

legend.

Finney, being a ladies' man doesn't make you a man.

It takes more guts to go down there and face your friends without a date than it

does to stay up here alone and hide.

I don't know about that.

Believe me, Finney.

Your friends will understand that.

We don't think so.

Look on this globe.

There's a place here called Iran.

I want to tell you a story about a guy in Iran.

No.

No. No more stories.

I'll do anything you want.

I'll go to the dance. I'll go home. I'll do my homework. But no more stories.

I'm not as young as I used to be.

Ah, go on, Mr. Woodman.

You were never young.

I had to pay Washington a dollar to cut in.

That fishbeck never knows when to stop. Must be those orthopedic shoes.

You need a drink.

What? A date.

I don't got one.

Oh, that's so funny.

I thought, I just heard Vinnie Barbarino say he don't got a date.

That's right, I don't got a date.

And on account of that, I was afraid to come here and show up in front of you

guys.

You showed me how to act with a date. I could show you how to act without a

date.

Hey, Vinnie, your friends understand.

Hey, Mr. Cartier is right.

A thing like that could happen to anybody, Vinnie.

Hey, we understand.

Hey, don't we, Juan? Oh, yeah, yeah, we all understand. And you ladies

understand, too, don't you?

What a coincidence, Vinnie. There's somebody else here without a date.

Julie, did I ever tell you about my uncle Atlas?

He used to play handball every afternoon with this guy Morty. 20 years he played

handball. Now one day they're in the locker room after the handball game and

friend Morty, the guy he plays handball with, is putting on a girdle.

Morty is putting on a girdle?

That's what my uncle Atlas said. Morty, you're putting on a girdle. How long

have you been wearing a girdle?

Morty said, ever since my wife found it in a glove compartment of my car.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome

back. Welcome back.

We always could spot a friend.

Welcome back.

And I smile when I think.