Original subtitles

How about my uncle Oscar Cotter? Ever say about Oscar Cotter?

Nope. Uncle Oscar was a very timid type of guy. One time he's driving, he has a

station wagon, and decides to stop in this cafe, you know, have a little

breakfast. So he's having his breakfast, and these three motorcycle gang guys

come in, right? And they walk up to Uncle Oscar, who's trying to have his

breakfast, you know. One goes, hey, buddy, what are you doing?

I'm just having a little breakfast.

Just a little coffee and some pancakes, that's all.

Well, I think this man needs some more sugar in his coffee. What do you think,

Bo? Yeah, yeah, he does, yeah.

More sugar in Uncle Oscar's coffee.

You having pancakes, too? Well, you don't have enough syrup on that, man.

Does he, Bo?

No, no, no, no.

Syrup all over Uncle Oscar's pancake.

Uncle says, excuse me, I think I'll leave.

So he goes and leaves, and then that kid, and you look at the waitress, and

look, waitress, he didn't touch anything.

That fella don't know how to eat.

And the waitress says, I don't think he knows how to drive either. He just ran

over three motorcycles in a parking lot.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were yours.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya?

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya. We tease him a lot.

Cause we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

Hey, folks, it's a lucky thing I ran into you guys at the movies, you know?

could have been big trouble.

It's your own fault, Epstein.

I mean, it's okay to kiss a girl on the balcony of the theater, but she

shouldn't be somebody else's date.

You think this guy's still following us?

No, I think he stopped on the way over here to punch out the crosstown bus.

Epstein, you know, I have never seen you so nervous.

Well, I've never seen a guy eat a fire hydrant before.

Hey, but thanks a lot for walking me home.

Don't mention it, Juan.

Except we thought you meant your home.

Yeah, well, I'm going to be moving on just as soon as the coast is clear.

Is that him?

Hey, you got to hide me. You got to hide me. Look, I'll tell you what. Just

throw something over me and make believe I'm an easy chair.

Epstein, that's not him. If it was him, we would have heard his knuckles

dragging on the stairs.

If we saw him, he wouldn't knock. He'd walk right through the door.

Julie, I've never seen this woman before in my life.

Yes, you have at our wedding. Remember, it's my sister Jenny.

Hi.

Jenny, right.

Oh, Jenny.

Oh, how you doing?

Wow, look at you. You've grown up and out and around.

Yeah, you really have filled out.

Oh, Jenny, this is Juan Epstein.

authentic Brooklyn hood.

Where did you come from?

Nebraska.

I know you came from Nebraska.

What are you doing here?

Nothing. I just had a little free time, so I hopped on a bus and came to see you

guys. Oh, isn't that something?

Well, I just so happen to have a little bit of free time of my own.

Mom and Dad know you're here. Mom and Dad know I'm not home.

Besides, I'm old enough to do what I want.

Sounds good to me.

Say goodnight, Juan.

Goodnight, Juan.

Yeah, you're right. You know, she's probably real tired.

Hey, Juan, she's here.

We all ought to go out together, you know? We'll make it a foursome. Oh,

a good idea, Juan.

You and three other people.

Goodnight.

You mean that, don't you?

Gabe, she never tells me anything. Would you try and find out what she's doing

here, please?

Julie.

Relax. I'm a professional.

That's what I do for a living. I deal with children with problems. I use a

little child psychology.

Jenny!

I haven't seen you for four years.

What are you doing here?

Jenny.

You're not in, uh, trouble, are you? You mean a boy?

I don't believe in boys. I hate boys.

Especially that Roger Abernathy.

Who's Roger Abernathy?

You mean little Roger Abernathy who's been your boyfriend since junior high?

Look, I don't want to talk about Roger Abernathy.

Can I just stay with you guys for a while?

What about school?

I don't miss it.

Well, honey, can't you get her into Buchanan on some sort of non -official

-in basis?

Julie, you just described the entire Buchanan student body.

All right, all right. A couple of days with the Sweathogs, and she'll be happy

to go back to Nebraska.

Is Ron Epstein in the Buchanan High School?

My sister is not a Sweathog.

What's a Sweathog? All right, I'll put her in Fishbeck's class.

What's a Fishbeck?

A fishbeck is the opposite of a sweetheart.

Oh, but what's a sweetheart?

You know.

Vinnie, this is my sister -in -law, Jenny Hansen from Nebraska.

Oh, yeah?

What are you doing here, uh, fresh mouth?

I'm here to get your, uh, your crops rotated.

Listen, I didn't want to be here, but they made me.

Same here.

Some reason why you decided to hold class in the hallway today, Carter?

Give us a break, Mr. Woman. The bell didn't even ring yet.

Three, two, one.

Got it.

It's the third time I worked out this week.

You lead a really exciting life, Mr. Woman.

What do you do for fun at home? Sit there and watch your suits go out of

Mr. Woman, I'd like to introduce you to Jenny Hanson. She's a relative.

Of yours?

What, is she out on parole?

She's Julie's sister from Nebraska.

Oh, well, that's different.

Well, obviously she should be in Miss Fishbeck's class.

No. I want to be in his class with Juan and the sweat hogs. Well, a fine young

lady like you doesn't belong with sweat hogs.

Oh, yeah?

In your horn with an ear of corn.

She's a sweat hog.

You'll be in his class.

Where did you learn to rank like that, huh? We do that all the time. It's

shopping.

Shopping, huh?

Small world.

Take the second seat, Jenny.

So, how do you like Brooklyn?

If you get homesick, I'll show you where the tree grows.

What's the matter with you, barley head?

Don't you got nobody around the farm that laughs like Arnold?

Not on two feet.

Okay, okay. Now, I see some of you have met our visitor. For those of you who

haven't, her name is Jenny Hansen. She is from Nebraska, and it's time to play

celebrity sweat horse.

Now, yesterday, page 14, we were talking about... Epstein!

Epstein was late because he was in conference with me.

Signed, Principal Lazarus.

What are you trying to do to me, Epstein? I know the man's handwriting.

note is legitimate.

Yeah, well, in baseball, it's called a change -up, you know?

Keeps the hit of guessing.

You know, Brooklyn's a lot tougher borough than Nebraska.

Oh, Nebraska can be pretty tough, too, you know.

I mean, on Saturday night, we all get out of the mold shop and we take up all

the stools.

I'm pretty bored with that.

Oh, I got a late day to pillage, so I'll probably barn early.

Well, I think I'm going to pillage early and burn later.

Okay,

what do you say we get back to a little schoolwork? Now, page 14.

Okay. Jenny,

in this place. I am Mr. Cotter, your teacher -in -law.

Mr. Cotter, in Nebraska, when someone new comes to my school, we always assign

another student sort of as a guide for the first few days.

You know, that's a very good idea. How about one of the girls?

Charmaine, will you show Jenny around? No, I think Juan Epstein should show me

around.

I second the motion.

I mean, uh...

Look, if the lady's going to be a sweat hog, she might as well learn from the

best.

Right? Yeah.

Tell that to my wife.

Did you tell her what you're doing here?

You'll see.

Lucy, Lucy, Lucy Ricardo.

How many times do I have to tell you not to come to the club?

Mrs. Cotter to see Principal Lazarus. Who said that?

No one sees Principal Lazarus.

They see me, I decide who sees Principal Lazarus.

Miss Furbish, ask Principal Lazarus if he'll see me later.

Mr. Woodman, I am here as a parent and or guardian to register a formal

complaint. Julie, you are overreacting. Is this one of those marital squabbles?

Well, I can't help you there, you know, I'm not married.

I don't even read Cosmopolitan.

It's about Jenny Hanson, Mr. Woodman.

Oh, your new sweat hog.

She is not a sweat hog. She is my sister.

You made her a sweat hog.

She told me to put corn in my horn, Mrs. Carter.

I call that a sweat hog.

Mr. Woodman, my sister went out on a date last night at 5 o 'clock.

She returned at 8 this morning.

Who did she go out with?

Juan Epstein.

Ha!

Well, so funny. I mean, chances are that nothing happened.

I bet you believe in the Easter Bunny, too, don't you?

Oh, my baby sister.

A sweet, simple, rosy -cheeked farm girl.

Out all night with a sweat hog.

I bet he changed her into a sweat hog.

Will you stop being ridiculous? He didn't change her into a sweat hog.

Can I see you a second?

Oh, you bet.

We're friends, aren't we? Oh, you bet we are.

Now, you know, I would say that our relationship transcends the normal

a student -teacher relationship. Wouldn't you say so? Yeah, I'd say it

pretty deep. Deeper than that.

So what I want you to do is, I want you to tell me where you were all night with

Julie's sister, or I am going to rearrange your face.

You would, wouldn't you?

Oh, you could take that to the bank, Ricky.

We were sitting on your stoop.

Come on, Juan.

Save that for one of your notes. Now, where were you all night with Jenny?

Gabe, he's telling the truth.

It was so late when we came in, I didn't want to wake you guys up, so we sat on

the stoop all night.

We're talking.

And you can take that to the bank.

I believed him.

I'm convinced. What about you? I'm going home, and I'm going to pack Jenny's

suitcase because she's going home.

And if you don't do something to break up that situation, don't bother coming

home.

And people wonder why I never married.

Okay, so what are we going to do now? Well, we got it all worked out.

going back to Nebraska.

What?

You see, last night we did a lot of talking, you know? I told Jenny all

Brooklyn. The crime, the slums, the pollution.

That's just at my house.

And then she told me all about Nebraska.

The blue skies and the wheat fields and the irrigation ditches.

You know, Mr. Carter, I figure a man's got to get back to the soil, you know?

Come on, let's go.

Epstein, wait, you can't go to Nebraska?

They won't let you pass Philadelphia without a passport.

Juan, this is nothing personal.

You're very nice. I like you a lot. I really do.

You're just not good enough for my sister.

But what about Mr. Carter? He was a sweat hog.

He's not right for my sister either.

Thanks.

Maybe we'll fix you up with Roger Abinath.

Oh, you look at this.

It's the whole Hee Haw gang.

Come on in. Oh, Mr.

Putter.

Hey, Juan.

You want a taste of Nebraska? Yeah.

I'll give you a taste of Nebraska.

Yeah.

We want to show you guys what you're going to look like in a couple of years.

That's right.

What is

this supposed to be?

Ma and Pa Kettle visit the ghetto?

You think this is bad, right?

Well, how would...

to this every month.

I scratched Angel Hall with his phone number off my locker door.

For the same reason we all did.

Her brother vetoed a knife.

Look, I'm leaving and that's all there is to it.

Horshack, where'd you get that ridiculous cow's head?

I found her at the head of my bed.

She was left by the Nebraska godfather, Don Hacy.

I was never one to butt into your personal life, right? You never did that

me. I never did. Never. All right. You know my big brother, Leroy? Yeah. He ran

away with a girl when he was your age.

Well, what happened to him?

What happened to him?

You're asking me what happened to him?

Nothing.

You know, you're a real spellbinder with a story, Freddy.

Look, Juan, all we're trying to do is we're trying to make sure you know what

you're getting into.

We want to make sure that Jenny knows what she's getting into. Look, Mr.

I know what I want. She knows what she wants. We both know what we want.

What do you want?

It's Jenny, yes.

Boy,

how rude.

No, no, no. She's all right. She's got a right of privacy, right?

And I got a right to listen.

And FC has got a right to sing the blues.

She's saying, I'm sorry, Roger.

I forgive you.

And I'm sorry I called you alfalfa breath.

The next bus, yes.

I'm coming in on the next bus, Raji.

Until that time, until that time.

Hey, Juan, you've been dumped.

Hey, Mr. Carter, I've been dumped. I mean, hey, I just can't let her walk out

here. What am I going to do?

Juan, look.

This is for the best. Believe me.

You know what I would do? I would do what Humphrey Bogart did in that last

with Ingrid Bergman in Casablanca. I can't do Bogart. Sure you can. Sure you

can. Look.

Humphrey Bogart.

Oh, Juan, I gotta talk to you.

No, I gotta talk to you.

Sweetheart, you're getting on that bus.

And you're getting on alone.

Go back to Roger, Jenny.

Why, in this crazy world of problems of two people, they don't amount to a hill

of beans.

So go on.

Get on that bus and don't look back.

I'm going, Juan. I'm going.

I'll take Jenny to the bed.

Bye -bye, Steve.

Bye, Jen. I'll see you this summer, huh? Say hello to Mom and Dad.

Yeah.

All right, Jenny.

Have a nice time.

Well, I'll see you around, Juan.

He's looking at you, kid.

She's been so hard on Juan and Jenny.

After all, you were right.

I did marry a sweat hog.

Okay, where'd I go wrong? You want to know where you went wrong? I'd like to,

yeah. You're a little too high.

Listen, sweetheart, the problems of two people in this world don't amount to a

hill of beans. No, Mr.

Carter, no. It was too high. The problems of two people in this world...

Let me tell you about my uncle, Hayster Donder Cotter.

He's Indian.

No, no, no, no, no, no. That was the name that he got in the movies.

Oh, he was an actor.

No, no, no, no, no. It was like a unanimous proclamation.

He was in a movie house watching a movie, and by unanimous proclamation, he

that name.

Well, how?

Well, he stood up in the second row. He had tight pants on. He wanted to get

something in his pockets.

And everybody in back of him yelled, Hayster!

That's the worst joke I've ever heard.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

We always could spot a friend.

Welcome back.

And I smile when I think I must have been.