Original subtitles

Mr. Woodman, did I ever tell you about the black sheep of my family?

Oh, I thought that was you.

No, the black sheep of my family was my uncle Lefty Cotter.

Now, get on with it, Cotter. I want to watch Barney Miller.

My uncle Lefty was a gambler. One time he lost $40 ,000 in Las Vegas. So he

outside the casino and he looks up at the sky and he says, Please, God, I need

$40 ,000.

I'll never ask you for anything again.

$40 ,000, please.

All of a sudden, another guy comes up and stands alongside of him, looks up

says, I need $20.

Please, I need $20. I'll never ask for anything again. I need $20.

My uncle left. He takes that $20 and gives it to the other guy. He looks back

and says, okay, now, concentrate.

$40 ,000.

$40 ,000.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

My wife and I shall serve as your chaperones, take out your consent forms.

We are about to depart on our trip to the Museum of Natural History.

Thank you. Collect those over there, Julie. Okay. Look at that. There you go,

Mr. Carter. Thank you, Vinnie. You know something, Mr. Carter?

I ain't never been to a real museum before.

Oh, good. I hope you'll enjoy it.

But you know what?

I went to a wax museum once.

I saw Raquel Wells.

Good. You know that that wax comes off right in your hands?

Next time, wear gloves.

Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, Mr. Carter, but Principal Lazarus had some problems, but

the arrangement for the field trip, it's in the bag.

Carter, what is your herd doing out here?

Don't worry, Mr. Woolman, we're about to leave. We're going on our field trip to

the museum.

Oh, no, you're not.

I changed my mind. The last class I'd ever let go on a field trip are sweat

hugs. They're not responsible, Carter.

They can't be allowed to mingle with people.

to the zoo so they can see family.

Mr. Woodman, we have two adults to supervise.

That's right.

Two consenting adults.

The remedial class requires three adults.

But you can't go.

Hey,

Mr. Woodman, you know, I was talking to Principal Lazarus. He says you're

absolutely correct on that. A rule's a rule. We need three adults.

So, uh, guess who we picked to go with us?

to use the buddy system. So everybody pick a buddy.

You

gonna

be my buddy.

What?

I got some ribs in my lunchbox we can share. Let's go. Come on, let's go.

average dinosaur bone?

You're lucky the whole dinosaur didn't come crashing down.

And finally, boys and girls, my favorite room of all.

The room of magic and superstition.

Of course not. There's nothing to this stuff. Right, Mr. Gore?

Gore -ray.

You can be a non -believer if you like, Cotter, but there are powers greater

than we.

I know. Epstein's gym locker.

Look at all them hands.

Yeah. Wouldn't it be great to have all them hands on a date in the drive -in?

Hey, that collection of carved birds really bent my mind, you know?

I'm going to get me one of them wooden eagles, put a motor in it, get me some

wheels, and go off to the Grand Canyon.

I hate to interrupt this merriment.

The museum's about to close, and there's still a little bit of tour left.

And Mr. Gore. Gore Ray.

Gore Ray.

Whatever.

Who is that flying saucer thing up there?

This Aztec sun calendar.

has been witness to many a gory ritual.

Gory.

Every year, 20 ,000

Aztecs were sacrificed to their sun god.

I guess that explains why there aren't any more Aztecs.

Mr. Carter, may I speak to you a moment alone?

Sure.

Okay, everybody look around. Don't get in trouble. Mr. Carter, I think your

attitude is too frivolous.

Aztec jokes are in bad taste.

They anger the spirits.

Come on, Mr. Gore. I mean, between you and I, don't you think... Between you

me.

I know. We're the only ones here.

Don't you think that... Dramatically, it's between you and me. You're a

You should know that.

I teach also studies. I was never too good in English. Oh, I see.

Anyway, don't you... Think you take this mumbo -jumbo stuff a little bit too

seriously? Cutter, I'm warning you.

There are forces here that don't dig one -liners.

Mr. Gorey, that is how I teach. I try to integrate a little humor into my class.

I find it has a very positive effect on my students.

It may be your class, but it's my museum.

I didn't know they had brothers in Egypt.

Oh, sure.

Haven't you ever heard of Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs?

Oh, wow.

Did you get the number of the truck that hit you?

Get out.

Out, out, out.

Everybody out.

This room is... for VIPs only.

Well, you're looking at a VIP.

Vinnie, Italian person.

Mr. Gorey, since we're here already, why not just continue the tour?

Well, all right.

But remember, don't touch anything or you risk the wrath of the pharaoh.

Behold, the mummy, 3 ,000 years old.

That's amazing.

He doesn't look a day over 2 ,500.

His name is Pew.

I'll tell you something. If you've been wearing the same white suit for 3 ,000

years, they'd call you Pew, too.

I've warned all of you.

They were just joking.

That's a nice mummy.

Nice, nice pew. Nice pew.

Walk this way.

No, no, no, no, no. Here, here.

Here is Pew's authentic royal mummy case.

It is said...

that if any interloper dares to open this case, the mummy will return to

the offender.

Look, Mr.

Gory, I don't think you should be imposing your own superstitious beliefs

class. You don't believe me?

No, I don't.

All right, then.

I dare you to open it.

Oh, show yourself to your unworthy servant.

Oh, speak the word. Speak the word that will reveal your true being.

superstition. It's the curse of Pew.

Believe me, believe me, nothing is going to happen.

Hey, hey, this door ain't got no handles. Hey, what kind of door ain't

handles?

A door.

you got too mad and I'm locked in here with your sweater.

Let me out!

Let me out of here, please!

Mr. Woodman, this is no way for a responsible educator to act.

Now I, who am an underachiever, can get away with it.

is here, they're going to come and let us out. Now, if they've gone home, we

might be stuck till the morning.

See that one?

It'll be alright, I promise.

Yeah, yeah, sure, they'll let us out in the morning.

But we've got to spend the night in the tomb.

This mummy is dead.

It's been dead for 3 ,000 years.

They had the funeral 3 ,000 years ago.

This wonderful mummy, who we all know so well and love so dearly, has left us.

One of the great entertainers of our time, who originally worked in the Cairo

Theatre under the name of Smith and Mummy.

man faint.

Hey, Mr. Tate, it ain't nothing to worry about. We just got to get his feet up

first.

See, what we got to do is we got to get the blood woozing back into his head.

Okay.

Wooze.

Mr.

Gorey, come on, get up. Mr. Gorey, you were out for a while.

Look, Mr. Gorey, while you were out, we had a tiny little problem.

The door slammed shut and Are we locked in here till the morning? I knew it. I

knew it. I knew this would happen. You're joking. Woke the mummy's spirit.

now the wrath of Pew has descended on all of us.

Come on, Mr. Gorey. Just tell us how we can get out of here. Mr. Carter, this is

no rinky -dink museum.

This tomb has a built -in fail -safe plan. Follow me.

One pull on this tassel will rouse the curator who will come immediately to our

rescue.

Mr. Gorey. Yes. You're the curator.

unfortunate.

Doom.

We're all doomed.

All right, all right. Let's sit down and relax. Come on, everybody. Just sit on

the floor. Take it easy for a while. Oh, wow.

Listen, I've got a great idea.

Let's tell ghost stories.

Well, I'm not scared.

I never get scared.

Well, I do, Mrs. Carter.

We're trapped.

Trapped.

And I never even got to meet Marie Osmond.

I dream about Marie Osmond.

Yeah, what kind of dreams?

Oh, just Marie and me snuggle together.

And she whispers in my ear.

Terrific with my hands. No, no, no, no, no. Those tools... No, no.

Those tools are relics. They're 3 ,000 years old. They're for Pew's use only.

Look, Mr. Gorey, if you wanted to use those tools, you would have done it by

now.

Pew, we're going to use your tools. We're stuck in here till the morning and

we're... Just use the tools. Go ahead.

All right, but if we all perish, don't come yelling to me.

I ain't going to hold on to the old relic.

Not even Mr. Woodman. That's bad, Bob.

Look, we're trying to get out of here. We'll find a way... Mr. Gorey, where

this air duct lead? I don't know. I don't spend as much time in this tomb as

like to.

You know something?

I bet a small person could fit through there.

Oh, I'll do it, Mr.

Carter.

I ain't scared. Call me Mr.

Danger. Okay, Mr. Danger.

not talk about noses if I was you.

You know, you could fit a family of four comfortably in your nose.

With room to spare for two dogs, a cat, a mother -in -law.

Bruce DeGore, you brought new meaning to the word strange.

Mr. Cartier,

look, we know the stupid stupidity about these stupid superstitions is stupid.

I mean, but life would really be a real drag if we knew everything, right?

Knowing everything is not one of this group's major problems.

Look, I don't want you guys just to blindly accept whatever comes your way

life. I want you to ask questions.

Think before you believe.

That's all very well.

about asking questions and thinking before you believe, but the fact is, the

mummy's gonna get us if we don't get out!

However,

there is one chance.

The mummy won't harm us if we offer him a human sacrifice.

A human sacrifice?

Yes, a human sacrifice.

has to be pure and untouched.

Boy, Jack, get out of here!

Hey, Mr. Carter.

Mr. Carter, come here. You know, like, what you were just saying about asking

questions and everything?

Well, I've been asking questions. I figured out how to get this door open,

You know, like, I watch people, you know, when they're building buildings?

I ask them questions and they tell me things about their stress and balance,

stuff like that.

Anyway, you find the stress box on this door and we're home free.

Yeah, yeah, you got it? Watch out, look out.

think of my sweat hogs now, huh?

Well, you know, Carter, I was pretty close to doom back there.

When a man comes that close to the end, he thinks about a lot of things.

So I came to a conclusion about you and your sweat hogs, Carter.

You're still not people!

Oh, I wish that door hadn't opened.

I was so looking forward to becoming a mummy.

Carter, Woodland was right about your sweat hogs.

They're not people.

But then, neither am I.

Ritual.

Superstition.

It's all nonsense.

Huh?

Gotcha. I know it was you all the time. You did not. I know it was you. I know

what you did.

You jumped a lot.

Where is it? Oh, there it is, honey. Come on, let's get it. Come on, we've

to travel. Okay.

Did I ever tell you about my uncle who used to travel a lot?

Was he a salesman?

No, he just liked to get away from my aunt.

No, no, no, no. He was a salesman. The thing is, he never bothered to make

reservations.

Well, he must have lost out on a lot of rooms.

No, he had this terrific strategy.

You see, if you get to a hotel and they say, well, we don't have any rooms... He

said, what do you mean you don't have any rooms?

Suppose the President of the United States was to call up for a room. Would

have a room for the President of the United States?

The guy said, well, I guess if the President of the United States called

we'd have a room.

He said, well, I just spoke to him. He's not coming, so let me have his room.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Yeah, we tease him a lot.