Original subtitles

Julie, did you ever say about my uncle Cecil he was a highway patrolman?

No. I didn't know that you had an uncle who was a highway patrolman.

Yes, I do. Now, one day he's on the road and he sees a speck in his rearview

mirror. It's coming at him faster and faster.

Right? He looks and it goes by. It's a guy running.

Cecil tries to catch up. He goes 60, 70 miles an hour. Can't catch up to this

guy. About five minutes later, he's turning the road. He hears groaning from

side of the road.

Oh.

He looks and it's the same guy.

He says, what happened? How'd you get here?

The guy looks up and says, you know what it is to have a blowout in these

sneakers at 80 miles an hour?

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back.

To that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here where we need ya. Yeah, we tease him a lot. Cause

got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

constitutional amendment has to be ratified by at least two... All right,

fire drill, fire drill. Everybody remain cool and calm.

Not that calm.

All right, up to you, single file. Quietly, calmly, let's go.

Come on.

Right you are, Mr. Cotto.

At a time like this, we should all have a cool head.

Take it easy. Get everybody else outside. Just the drill. Go to your

place. Come on. But, Mr. Carter, when that bell rings, how do we know it's a

fire drill and not a real fire?

I guess we don't.

That's what I thought.

Fire!

Oh, my God! Oh, no!

Oh, my goodness!

No!

Hey, that's the third fire drill this week.

Hey, I had enough of these dry runs.

I think it's time to place court on fire so we can see how it's going to do

under real pressure.

It's just a drill. I'm okay. It's just a drill. All right, Carter.

Which one of your sweat hogs turned in the fourth alarm?

Mr. Woodman, how can you be so sure it was one of my kids?

Now, you're right, Carter. It was unfair of me.

Could have been you.

I remember when you were a sweat hog, you put hot fudge in the ink wells.

Fudging the ink was. That was crazy Delaney.

I ran around afterwards and sprinkled nuts on it, but I didn't put it... Who

that?

Ain't that the kind of thing that makes you proud? Thank you very much. All

right, the drill's over. Let's go inside. Come on. Come on, everybody.

everybody inside.

Hold it, hold it.

As long as you're all out here, let me check your lockers.

Principal Lazarus has ordered a locker inspection.

What are you looking for?

Anything I can find to nail your sweat hogs.

Mr. Woman, what is this? Be cruel to sweat hog day?

Potter, every day is be cruel to sweat hog day.

This is my locker and welcome to it.

Good grief.

What is that?

Looks like an antique banana.

it long enough, it might be worth something.

I collect old fruit.

That's Steve.

Hold it. You got a warrant?

What's all this?

Those are the notes covering my absenteeism for the rest of my life.

Is this your locker?

Where?

What? Where?

Barbarino, the only reason you've got a head is to separate your ears.

Separate? I think Mr. Woodland just ranked you. Well, can I rank him back

without getting in trouble? Can I do that?

I don't know.

Can you do that?

Sure. I used to be pretty good at this.

Give me your best shot, clam breath.

And I won't get in no trouble.

No. You mean it?

Sure, I mean it, pepperoni puss.

Well, listen, you snow -capped leprechaun.

You look like somebody played Danny Boy in your face with an ugly stick.

Bob Reno.

That's so funny, you can stay after school for two weeks.

Wait a second.

Mr. Woodman, you told them that it was all right.

Just call it, Brillo Head.

I'm not doing it for that.

It's because of this.

What is this jacket with sweat hogs on it? It's nothing, nothing.

Wait a minute.

Gang. wear jackets like this.

No. Yeah, well, uh, those are our colors. You see, as guys, we formed a

club.

Yeah, well, exactly what kind of club did you form?

Well, it must be some terrific club, because so far, they won't let me join.

-school organizations are forbidden on school grounds.

Now, jackets mean gangs, gangs mean fight, and fights mean bad news.

Principal Lazarus doesn't like bad news, Carter.

The last time I brought him bad news...

He ate my tie.

Look at this. There's another one.

They're not people.

Where have you been, Freddy?

Oh, wow, man. I had some trouble.

Hey, you okay?

Hey, man, those guys over at New Utrecht said I invaded their turf.

Did you?

No, not exactly.

Actually, I invaded Pearl Jackson.

Unfortunately, she happens to live right in the middle of their turf. But y 'all

don't worry.

Old Boomer don't have to take care of himself.

See, man, I got surrounded by these seven big, bad new Utrecht cats. Right,

I mean, it was coming on me. Wait a second.

There were seven of them?

No, either there were seven or two. I don't know.

Anyway, I looked them right in the eye, and then I see... Hi there.

They don't say nothing.

They just look at me mean.

So I holds my ground.

Don't you guys realize that if you walk around with jackets like this, you're

just asking for trouble?

And I want you to listen to me. Sooner or later, somebody's really going to get

hurt.

Yeah.

Especially me.

Oh, poor baby.

You don't look so good.

What's the matter?

I'm just worried.

Oh, honey, I was talking to the plant.

Edna.

Julie, what do you give all these plants girls' names for? How do you know

they're girls? What do you do, peek under the leaves?

Besides, it's ridiculous for you to keep on talking about plants anyway.

Well, tonight, Edna's a lot more fun than you are.

I'm sorry, honey. I'm just worried about the kids.

I'm worried.

Excuse me, Edna.

Okay.

What's the big crisis this time?

You have to help Horshak break in a new lunchbox?

It's even more serious than that.

You're kidding.

No, I got a problem, Julie. The kids have formed a gang.

And I don't know what to do.

I mean, I think there's going to be a rumble.

A rumble?

What's a rumble?

Oh, I forgot.

You're from Nebraska.

In Nebraska, a rumble is when your cow has a gas attack.

A rumble is a fight.

People hit each other.

A person could develop a coma.

I remember when I was in school, there was this guy I knew, Bonzo Moretti.

Bonzo loved to rumble. He would fight anybody, anything.

Busters, buildings, small towns.

One year for summer vacation, he beat up everybody in Utah.

I think there's someone rumbling at the door.

I gather you're joining the gang, too?

Do you know what it's like, Arnold, to be in a rumble?

So? What's a rumble like?

I want you to picture a game of hockey.

Yes. Big guys.

Ooh. With no teeth.

Oh. Big sticks.

Oh. And you're the puck.

Mr. Carter, I want to be a punk, not a puck.

Mrs. Cotter.

I know.

Such a pity.

A young man like me cut down in his groin.

Do you know that I just got my first chest hair?

If you'd like to see it, I'll go home and get it.

Mr. Cotter, before I go to the...

Rumble.

There's only one thing I would like you to do for me.

What's that all?

Stop me from going!

What do you got to do to initiate yourself?

Oh, it was awful, really.

For a whole week solid, every day after school, I'd lock myself in my room and

watch reruns of Gilligan's Island.

Oh, wow.

Vinny, I had no idea.

How about you, Freddy? How'd you get initiated?

Oh, I didn't. I joined on Vinny's special minority membership plan.

Epstein, what are you complaining about?

You didn't have to get initiated.

Yeah, that's because I got a note here.

You got to see this one. Dear Punk, please excuse

Juan from his gang initiation because of an inner ear problem.

He hates to hear himself scream.

Signed, Epstein's mother.

Hey, look, I got a great idea for the initiation.

Why don't we stick Horschak's head in my gym locker for about three minutes?

We want to initiate him, not kill him.

Hello, fellow delinquent.

All right, Horschak, you ready for initiation?

Huh? Yeah. You ready to become a man?

Or something close.

the beginning. I just gotta get my thoughts deranged.

Horshack, over here.

Frederick, give me some water.

Horshack, genuflect.

Jenny who?

I was gonna baptize you.

It's the only thing I could think of, right?

You know, being Catholic and all.

Horshack, you look like a Vaseline factory blew up on you.

Listen, Vinnie, if you're going to have an initiation, why don't you initiate us

all at once?

What do you mean all of us, man? What do you mean all of us?

I brought some recruits.

So sit down. Come on, sit down.

Recruits? Sit down. This is a joke. It's recruits. Epstein, I do not see you

sitting. I'm sitting.

Okay.

You crazy? Listen, I wouldn't do nothing to modest natural beauty.

Mr. Carter, we're just going to throw the scare into those new U -Trick guys

account of what they did to Freddy. Yeah.

What'd you bring Woodman for? I can't believe it. That's right, Carter. What

you bring me for?

Oh, good old Ace over here.

Yeah. He's the only one that's got the key to the nurse's office.

What's the difference? Let them knock each other's brains loose. Pow!

Easy, Ace.

Get in the picture. They all dress up like this, right? You're trying to stop

us. We ain't gonna stop you. Hey, hey, no.

We ain't trying to stop you. I just remember what a rumble was like when I

in school, how exciting it was. I figured I could give you guys a few

All right?

Now, who's the first guy that's got the chains?

Chains, chains.

No, no, don't got no chains on me.

No chains?

No one has any chains?

I got some brass knuckles.

Brass knuckles?

Sticks? You got sticks?

Sticks, you're talking big time now.

I don't understand you guys.

Where'd you come here? Go to a rumble or go to a dance?

Dance. That's a good idea.

In fact, I know what I'm going to do right now, all right? Let's do the

Oh.

Looks like we don't have to go to the dance.

Here's the entertainment committee.

I didn't think they was going to show up.

All right.

service here.

I came here for some action.

Who's the first guy wants to lose control of his face?

Will you pull it?

I don't like to watch him dismember people.

That's the oldest punk I ever saw.

You a senior?

I'm the vice principal.

Vice principal?

This is a tough school.

You're lucky.

Just be glad you didn't have to mess with him.

Hush, Jack.

Number seven.

Hold me back.

Let me out of here!

Cora, please.

There's no need to get all worked up here. Breathe deep.

Breathe deep.

Relax.

I'm sure that we can all work out our little difficulties here.

It'll be no problem.

We'll talk. We'll talk.

Tomorrow.

Call my service.

vice -principal that's right and you're a teacher you got it

what do you teach home economics

And I convinced them to dress this way because we wanted to make sure that

nobody would get hurt. I told you nobody was going to get hurt, Mr. Carter. We

were just going to throw a scare into those guys. That's how it starts, Juan.

You try to scare them, then they scare you, then you push them and they shove

you. You do something bad to them and they try to do something worse to you.

That's the way wars get started.

It's the same thing with countries.

The head of one country says to the head of another country, off my case, tank

face.

EY is back up your nose with Tokyo Rose.

And one week later, John Wayne is storming Iwo Jima.

Yeah, well, I don't want no part of nothing like that.

Yeah, me neither. Hey, Mr. Carter, does this mean I don't gotta be tough no

more?

That's right on.

Come on, we all had a long day. What do you say we, uh...

What do you say we all slide home?

Hi, honey.

Thanks for bringing me lunch. You're going to love it. I made you a sandwich

my famous tuna casserole.

Go ahead, dig in.

Julie, did I ever tell you about my uncle Harry Carter?

Harry was a soft touch. Anybody could tell him anything.

Talk like this. Hello, I'm Harry Carter. I'm a nice guy. Anybody could tell me

anything.

Like one time he went to buy a suit.

Tried the jacket on.

One of the sleeves is longer than the other.

So they said, look, mister, the sleeve is longer than the other one. How could

really stop you? The sleeve is longer.

I said, look, just hold your arm like this, and it's fine.

Then he tries on the pants.

He notices that one leg is longer than the other.

He said, mister, this leg is longer than the other one. I couldn't walk down the

sleeve with a leg longer than the other one.

I said, well, just hold your leg out like that.

Sells him the suit.

Harry walks out of the store. These two guys notice him walking down the street.

One says to the other, oh, my God, look at that unfortunate fellow over there.

Other guy says, yeah, it's a shame.

But look how nice his suit fits.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here where... We need you.

We tease him a lot because we got him on the spot. Welcome back.