Original subtitles

Did I ever say by the time my cousin Bruce didn't want to go to school?

Why didn't you want to go to school?

That's just what my Aunt Elsie said.

I figured.

She said, Bruce, why don't you want to go to school? Give me two good reasons

why you don't want to go to school.

He said, all right, you want two good reasons why you don't want to go to

school?

First of all, the teachers don't like me, and then the students don't like me.

He said, you want to give me two good reasons why I should go to school?

She said, yes, because you're 37 and you're the principal.

Jack Carter is recorded live before a studio audience.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya?

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya. Yeah, we tease him a lot. Cause we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

My last will and testimony.

I, Arnold Horshack, being of sound mind and body,

most of the time, do hereby bequeath

all my worldly possessions... Arnold!

Arnold, what are you doing? Why are you making out a will?

You still look almost lifelike.

Mr. Carter, these are the last earthly documents of Arnold Dingfelder Horsham.

And I even left you something.

Do me a favor, Arnold.

Don't leave me to Dingfelder.

Oh, actually, I had you down for my collection of celebrity fingernails.

Arnold, this is ridiculous. Why are you making out a will all of a sudden?

How, Mr. Carter?

Let you forget.

Next week is exam week.

You are planning to do away with yourself to get out of exams?

Oh, Mr.

Carter, I won't have to.

Once my grades come in, my father will kill me.

Good morning, good morning, good morning.

Now. Hey, Mr. Carter, I got a note.

Epstein's got a note. Right.

Please excuse Juan from his exams next week. He will, of course, be attending

the Ecumenical Council in Rome.

Juan, the Ecumenical Council took place ten years ago.

I know that. I got a note to the Pope telling him why I'm late.

I see. Dear Mr. Holiness, please excuse Juan for being ten years late to the

Ecumenical Council.

with you people. Taking exams is no big thing.

You study, you pass.

Simple. Boy, to hear you talk about it tests you more fun than Betty Prevetti.

Look, exam week is the perfect chance to prove that you're learning.

It's also the perfect chance to prove we flunkin'. All this talk about exams is

turning my motoring black.

see you for a moment.

Ben, look.

Mr. Woodman, I remember that look.

I have not seen that look since the day I graduated and you thought that you'd

never see me again.

It's funny you should mention that, Goddard.

In fact, it's hilarious.

Would you come outside?

All right, occupy your time. Do something unusual. Open a book.

Mr. Woodman, what's this? Let me...

I start at the beginning, Carter, and I want to go slow. I'm going to enjoy this

too much to just blurt it out all at once.

Do you know what this is, Carter?

Yes, Mr. Woodman, that's a graph of your love life.

James, it seems you reached your peak right here, October 13th, 1942.

Just keep up the jokes, Carter.

happens to be a graph plotting final examination results for the past ten

Now, this, of course, down here is your sweat ox.

Now, nowhere in the records of this institution does it say that a student

Gabriel Cotter ever took exams in his senior year.

This whole thing's a joke, right?

Wrong.

I didn't take my exams. How else could I graduate? Go to college, get a teaching

degree.

Well, there's graft, corruption, bribery, and anything else you could

Mr. Woodman, this is a mistake. It's got to be. The mistake is calling you a

teacher. You're an imposter, Carter. You're a fraud.

See? I told you Mr. Carter was our kind of guy.

All right, come on. Now go to your next class. Let's go. Get your books. Come

on, move it. Let's go.

Get ahead.

Mr. Woodman, I must have taken my exams.

What exams?

Hey, you didn't take your exams?

How'd you get out of it?

I didn't get out of it. I took my exams.

Then why isn't it in my records?

I don't know why it isn't in your records.

But I know I took them.

I think.

There is a very simple solution to this if you ask me.

Who asked you?

take a makeup exam.

Well, I'd be willing to accept a makeup to correct your records, Connor.

Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Me take a makeup test ten years later?

That's funny.

It's funny, kids.

In your own words, if you study, you pass.

Simple.

I am a social... studies teacher.

Now, do you expect me to walk in ten years later and pass an exam on English,

science, mathematics?

Well, that's the beauty part, Carter. I don't.

Well,

that's about as much fun as a man my age can take in one morning.

You see, Mr. Carter, this is a perfect opportunity for you to prove what you

have learned.

If you're slow, you blow. If you're fast, you pass.

And if I flunk, I'm sunk.

But just think, Mr. Carter, you finally get a chance to show everybody how smart

you are.

Check you later, babe. Be brave, little soldier.

Gabe,

you're not going to find anything in that closet.

Why don't you come out of there before you get lost?

too.

Julie, I gotta find my school records.

If I don't, I take those exams again and I don't know, I can't take exams. I

always froze up. Got a locked face.

I have to find my old records.

Hey!

Found my old records!

I got some great stuff here. Connie Francis sings

ROTC favorites.

good one poke is that Lawrence Welk wouldn't do.

I have the perfect solution to this whole problem. Oh. I'm going to the

schoolyard. Uh.

See you later.

What are you going to do there?

What am I going to do there? I'm going to paint a face on this and run it for

president.

Gabe, you have got to study for your exam.

Julie, I'm a teacher. That was ten years ago. Why do I have to study for exams

now? I took all those exams.

I must have.

Probably. I bet I did.

You think maybe?

Would you get the door, please?

Certainly. Thank you.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What's this?

Mr. Cartier.

Us sweat hogs stick together. So don't sweat it about those exams.

We're going to help you study all the stuff that you don't know. See, we're

going to get together and cram it.

I'll do that for you.

Now, I brought this desk along so you'd feel right at home.

I am at home, Vinnie.

See? It worked.

It was unbelievable.

You bring desks, books.

The blackboard wasn't attached to the wall. You probably brought that too.

it in.

I was just standing there and it fell off the wall.

Lucky we was there to catch it.

You guys can't do things like this. It's against the law. It's robbery.

It's five to ten.

Nah, it's ten to ten.

Hey, besides, we tend to think of it as creative borrowing.

I want you to make sure you have all this stuff in school Monday morning

class starts.

Hey, we will.

Bright and early.

Yep, that's the plan.

Unbelievable. He bought books, a desk, a blackboard.

The only thing he didn't bring is a teacher.

Julie, did I ever tell you about my great -uncle Hershey Carter?

No, honey. Why don't you tell me about your great -uncle Hershey Carter?

That's the joke.

There is no Uncle Hershey Carter.

Look, I don't know what you're up to, but I'm not going to study with you.

I mean, I don't have to know anything.

I'm a teacher.

Gabriel, Gabriel, Gabriel.

questions before we get down to work.

Look,

it's

Saturday afternoon. My Saturday afternoon's a plan. I get up in the

watch Space Nuts and Scooby Doo.

Go play the basketball in the schoolyard. come home, get a can of

fire escape and read the funnies in the Sunday paper.

That's my Saturday.

You understand?

No.

You understand, don't you?

Don't you see that for the first time your kids want to study?

If you let them help you learn, they will learn too.

Okay, I'll study with them, but I'm going to show them what it's like to try

teach sweat hogs.

Let's go, come on!

You tell me how much of what you learned in school do you remember?

What?

How much do you remember?

When?

In school.

Where?

Hey, don't you want to study?

I mean, are you prepared? Where's your notebook?

Where is your notebook?

Hi there.

Yeah, hi there. Where's your notebook?

My notebook?

Well, I just don't happen to have it here.

Handy.

My wife, she hit me upside my head, and then she said, I'm off. Okay, three -oh.

Will you shut up?

Well, bye, guys. Hey, where are you going with my basketball?

I have a regular game down at Our Lady of Saris Playground with Sister Mary

Mercy.

All right.

Let us start out with algebra because that is the hardest. Gabriel, would you

please pass out the books, please?

Certainly. And turn to page 32 in your book. The problem

is find the value of x when the integer...

is to find the value of x when the integer is unknown.

What's an integer?

Well, it's for new math.

Well, what was wrong with the old math?

I bet this new math is really easy.

Why don't you keep on reading, Horchette?

Thank you, Vincent.

An integer is a counting number if the sequence is 1, 2,

2, 3, 3, 4.

Et cetera.

The integer is apparent.

It's apparent to who?

So, find the value of X.

X? I don't know.

Right! X is unknown, so what's Y?

Y?

Where?

Look, look, I got lost. Let's start again, okay? Hey, look, Mr. Carter,

sweat it.

By the time we're done with you, you're going to pass all your exams.

Because we're going to stay with you all weekend and help you study.

Yeah, how do you like that?

Now, wait a second. You guys are really willing to spend all weekend helping me

study, including Saturday?

Yeah, baby. We taught we would. You got it.

Thank you.

Hey, man.

What'd you get for question 16?

Let's see, uh, 16, that was, uh, that was, uh, dioxiribonucleic

acid.

You know, you put a little on your cereal in the morning, turns your eyes

Hey, Mr. Cotton, how'd you do on that biology test?

Well, Mr. Pazer wanted to make, uh, frog dissection part of the test, but Juan

wouldn't stand for it. Yeah, I told him whatever he's gonna do to that frog, I'm

gonna do to him.

Yeah. Oh, uh, Carter.

Well, Carter, you certainly know how to spoil someone's good time, don't you?

What are you talking about, Mr. Williams?

Well, Principal Lazarus insisted that I call the registrar at your college this

morning, and the missing test grades were, uh, it seems a clerical error

There's no need for you to take any more of these exams.

Ha -ha!

You're not on my dance card.

Oh?

Is the prom early this year?

No, no, I don't.

I don't have to take any more exams. I am in the clear.

Well done, Mr. Woodman.

Nah, he's in the clear.

I still think he's an imposter, but he's in the clear.

We wasted a whole weekend studying and you got out of the exam.

Congratulations, man.

I'm not supposed to take exams in the first place. I'm a teacher.

It was a mistake.

You understand, don't you, Arnold? You were a teacher for a while.

When we was all in this together, then it meant something.

Not now.

Barbarino, Epstein.

a commitment to you guys.

There. My proof is gone. I'll take the exam. All right! All right, all right.

Hey, baby, way to go.

Very impressive gesture, Mr.

Carter.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life.

Here's the left.

I want to thank you too, Carter.

You want to thank me for what?

For tearing up a prescription for tranquilizers.

My doctor gave me this morning.

I don't need them anyway.

to each and every sweat hog here. Mr. Woodman, will you please tell them what

you just told me in the hall?

The examination results are in.

For the first time in the history of Buchanan High School, not a single sweat

hog failed.

I haven't finished yet.

However... Is it however?

As you grow older, Carter, you'll realize there's always a however.

However, the sweat hog grade point average...

might have reached an all -time high.

But for one very low grade in algebra,

one sweetheart just passed by the skin of his teeth.

I leave it to you to uncover the culprit.

Oh, fine.

All right, Mr. Carter.

Let's take it from the top.

An integer is a... Accounting number?

Right. So what's X?

X is? X is unknown.

And what's Y?

Y? Where?

All right, let's start over, okay? An integer is a counting number, right?

Right. Why?

Why?

Because we like you.

Time to say goodbye to all our company.

She was so bad, she got three tickets on a written test, okay?

That bad.

Okay,

now one day my Uncle Leon comes home, and my Aunt Selma is there, and the car

in the kitchen.

Unbelievable. Isn't it unbelievable?

It's incredible. You want to know how the car got in the kitchen? Why don't

tell me how the car got in the kitchen? That's what my Uncle Leon said. He said,

Selma, how did you get the car in the kitchen?

She said it was easy. I made a left when I got to the living room.

Two brothers.

Go fishing all the time. They go fishing all the time.

Is there an echo in here?

These two brothers go fishing all the time. One always catches a lot of fish.

The other one doesn't catch any fish, right? Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing.

Nilsch, null and void.

Nothing. Can't catch a fish. Not a fish. And he's going to get mad about this

because he can't catch any fish.

Understandable. So one day he says, I'm going to get up five o 'clock in the

morning. I'm going to beat my brother to it. I'm going out in the lake and I'm

going to catch fish because he won't be there.

Smart. He was smart, right? So he went fishing 5 o 'clock in the morning, and

didn't catch any fish.

He's there for two hours, 7 o 'clock, no fish.

Finally, a fish peeks his head out of the water and says, So where's your

brother?

The dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya.

We tease him a lot because we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

We're always good sort of friends.

Welcome back.

And I smile when I think I must have been.

And I know what a scene you were learning in.

Was there something that made you come back again?

And what could ever lead you?

What could ever lead you? Back here where we need you. Back here where we

you. We tease him a lot because we got him on the spot. Welcome back.