Original subtitles

Julie, did I ever say about my uncle Walden Carter?

He was always afraid that he wasn't going to go to heaven.

Did he ever find out if he was or not?

Well, I'm glad you asked me that.

See, one time he took a trip to India. Went up on the highest mountain and

to the highest lama.

He said, you have to tell me. I have to know. Am I going to heaven?

Lama said, well, Mr. Carter, I shall check and see. I'll let you know

Goes to the hotel, comes back the next day. He said, did you find out? Did you

find out?

Mr. Kata, I have good news for you, and I have bad news for you.

The good news is, yes, you are going to heaven.

The bad news is, you leave Thursday.

Welcome back, Patterns. We're recording live before a studio audience.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya.

welcome back welcome back welcome back welcome

back

My assignment for today was to write a composition on what I want to be, which

I'm sure you're all done.

So let's get right into it. Mr. Barbarino.

What I want to be.

By Vinnie Barbarino.

I want to be a guy.

Who never writes compositions.

The end.

You're going to be a guy that never gets out of high school.

Now, Freddie, let's hear yours.

What I want to be. By Frederick... Boom Boom Washington.

I ain't decided what I want to be yet, but whatever it's going to be, it's

to be something that pays well. You know, something with, like, profit chain

good pension, you know, with, like, stock options, three weeks paid

How about free hospitalization? And a secretary that looks like Diana Ross.

And a suede sports coat, you know, the kind with the patches on the elbow.

Uh, Freddie, if you find a job, let me know, because I'd like to apply, too.

But somehow I get the feeling that Arnold wants to be next.

Aren't you all Mr.

Carter?

You know how you was always talking about personal initiative?

Well, instead of what do I want to be, I have titled my composition, What

Do I Want?

want a G .I. Joe.

And a Barbie doll to keep him company, you know, when he comes home on leave,

you know.

And if it isn't too much trouble, I'd like to be taller.

But if not, please reconsider my application for Elf.

I'm sorry, but we had to lay off a few elves. It's been a lousy season.

The little guys had to paint themselves green and become leprechauns.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Okay,

now, Mr. Epstein.

Barbarina, where's Epstein?

I ain't seen him.

You haven't seen him.

Where?

Who?

Juan Epstein, the Georgie Jessel of San Juan.

Georgie who?

Georgie Jessel.

Vinnie Barbarino was a wonderful boy before he fell down that day.

And let's hope that the damaged part will grow back.

Let's have it so we can get to work.

What?

One of your famous notes that'll read something like, please excuse Juan for

being late. He was kidnapped by the jet set and left tied up on a lawn in

Hyannis Park.

Signed, Ed Sheen's mother.

Yeah, well, I ain't got no note, Mr. Cotter.

I was home because Florence was sick and I had to take care of her.

You had to take care of somebody?

Epstein, since when are you a doctor?

You don't even know how to play golf.

Yeah, but Florence don't trust nobody but me. That's why I had to bring her to

school.

Well, where is this sick person?

In the box.

You stuffed somebody in the box.

Yeah, you see, this is Florence.

It's my pet hamster.

Just like you.

He's all hairy with mean little eyes.

Lawrence is a she.

Okay, come on, everybody, sit down. Come on, let's go. Sit down.

Hey, Juan, you never told me you had this interest in hamsters.

You never asked.

Hey, I got myself some white mice and a chicken who escaped from a butcher shop

and was trying to cross the Bay Parkway.

You know, your assignment today was to write a composition on what I want to

Have you ever considered becoming a vet?

Oh, no.

My brother Sanchez was in the army.

Didn't like it a bit.

No, I'm not talking about a veteran. I mean a veterinarian.

Oh, yeah. My sister's a veterinarian. But I gotta have meat.

Not a vegetarian. A veterinarian.

A person who takes care of animals.

Like my mother.

like you and your brothers.

I'm talking real animals.

Cats, dogs, monkeys.

You think you can do that?

Me? Ah, come on.

I think you should see Miss Helms, the career guidance counselor.

My young man, she could channel your interest in animals into a worthwhile

rewarding career.

I didn't know what to do with my life.

A friend interested me in the Columbia School of Hamsters.

I think you two can have a rewarding career among our furry friends.

The Columbia School of Hamsters should not be confused with the Columbia School

of Rats.

See, hoblo hamster.

But can he get good pay in a short time?

I am serious, Epstein. I think you should try for it. Yeah, well, Dr.

Epstein. It's got a nice ring to it.

Hey!

Computer technology and videocassette curriculum can lead to a day in which

one -to -one educative confrontation as we know it will be outmoded.

Now, let me understand this, Miss Helms. You mean that someday I'll be able to

run this school and not have to deal with students?

Absolutely. Now, today's an efficient face -to -face level.

Imagine that, Carter.

A school with no students.

That would be heaven.

And the next step...

No teachers.

Everything will be electronic.

Good morning, boys and girls.

I am your total studies robot.

My name is Carter B -212.

Now, everybody relax because nothing can go wrong.

Now, everybody take out your homework.

Have you done your homework?

Just as I should expect.

and it makes a fool of itself.

You have no feeling for progress, Carter.

If that's progress, Mr. Woodman, I am going into my uncle's deli business.

I never heard of anybody trying to computerize a salami.

Computerize salami.

What did he call me?

Juan Epstein, I'd like you to meet Miss Helms. Miss Helms, this is Juan Epstein.

Oh, how do you do, Miss Helms? Hey.

You know, the more I think about this animal doctor and the better it sounds,

you know?

Calling Dr.

Epstein, calling Dr.

Epstein.

Chihuahua having a nervous breakdown.

Ostrich on a paranoid trip.

How's Florence?

Oh, you know, about the same.

All she does is roll over and take a drink now and then.

Well, don't worry. I go for whole weekends like that.

Mr. Epstein, your subgradial GPA, as shown on our grafted SAT projections,

you in the anterior range of our median curve.

What is she talking about?

Oh, well, she said that you're, uh, she's trying to, uh...

What are you talking about?

This student falls below the...

level for a career professional.

Lawyer, economist, any sort of engineer. More aptly, he should be channeled

toward employment involving overly simple routine within a highly

environment.

Ms. Towns, let's make it overly simple. Put it right on the table. Can Juan be a

veterinarian? I think this student should explore the highly rewarding

manual labor.

Are you saying I can't be a vet? Wait a minute, Juan. Let me... No, no, no.

Really, please.

Hey, look, you know, Mr. Carter always tells us, hey, you can be whatever you

want to be.

Anything realistic.

Yes. Oh, I want to be a vet, a doctor for animals.

Well, that's impossible.

Why? Well, it just isn't here.

But he's already got all kinds of animals. He takes care of them now.

what he came to talk to you about.

Well, it's certainly fortunate that he did. Since to encourage him in this

direction, quite frankly...

Could be harmful both to Mr. Epstein and to his animals.

Harmful? Does it say I'm harmful here?

Is she saying I'm going to do something bad to my animals?

I don't think she understands the situation. Let me have a few words with

and I'll talk to you later, okay, Juan?

That was a quick career.

Thanks a lot for the bum ride, Carter.

Juan.

Juan, come here.

This is a good example of why the personal interface method should be

Many times the subject feels confused, threatened.

Well, you're the one that confused and threatened him. You were supposed to

counsel him, help him. All you did was throw his hopes and dreams out the

window.

Mr. Epstein just doesn't have the numbers. I have no other answer for him.

Yeah, well, I have an answer for you, lady.

Up your nose with your computer hose.

And twice as far with a chocolate bar.

Babe, would you calm down?

How can I calm down? Those kids will never trust me again.

I mean, after what that woman said to him.

I'm sorry, Mr. Epstein, but your framestandard's flabungent, and your

just hit your grammars. So therefore, your future has just been canceled.

I mean, if someone would have said that to me when I was in school, I would

never become a teacher.

I'd probably be a dance instructor at Leilani Shapiro's dance palace.

Oh, Madame Shugana, how beautiful you look this evening. You are simply

delightful for a 76 -year -old woman with no teeth.

How would you like... Were you expecting somebody?

No. Oh.

Arnold, what is that?

Truman Capote.

Epstein says take good care of him.

Epstein says you should take good care of his little mousketeers.

There's Jimmy, Darlene, Cubby, and Annette.

Annette's the one with the good bill.

Here, Epstein wants you to take care of Wally, Lumpy, Eddie Haskell, and of

course, Jerry Manders as the beaver.

This is Harpo, and that's John Boy.

And Florence, you met already.

Okay, okay, now what's going on here, huh?

Ringling Brothers are going out of business sale?

Well, thanks to you and that computer lady, Juan don't think he can take care

them anymore.

Juan, you can't leave these animals here, especially Florence. She's sick.

Ah, you heard that computer lady.

My subgradial took a nosedive into the curve of my posterior.

Besides, Florence would be a lot better off without me.

They all will.

Hey, can I have some time alone with my little friends? Sure.

Now is the time to say goodbye

to all my company.

Goodbye, Hoppo.

Goodnight, John boy.

Take care of them like they was your own, Mr. Carter.

Because they are.

Well, I guess there's going to be 13 more for dinner.

Those white mice didn't stop screaming all night, and that other hamster on

wheel.

I thought it was in some Japanese monster movie.

The hamster who ate Brooklyn.

Honey,

you better take a look at Florence. She looks worse than she did last night.

Last night, she looked terrible.

Wow, she really looks bad.

I know.

I better call Epstein. Okay.

I'm going to get ahold of the only person I can help you, Florence.

Dr. Wan.

Mr. Carter, look, Florence doesn't look so good.

Well, she's rolled over on one side and she's breathing very heavy.

Well, it sounds like... Anybody

who walked in now, they think I'm making an obscene phone call to the Bronx Zoo.

What? A cold compress on her forehead?

She has a tiny little forehead all covered with hair.

Oh, she just rolled over again.

She's what?

Okay, look, I'll meet you in school in ten minutes, all right?

Okay, be there. Right, get everybody.

All right.

Cut.

Lawrence is going to have a baby.

Looks like she's been doing more than running around an exercise wheel.

Danish? Prune Danish.

A submarine sandwich. Submarine sandwich.

Okay, BLT, whole tomato, submarine sandwich, and a prune Danish, right? But

they don't got prune cheeses, okay. Okay, if they don't got prune cheeses.

I figured it was a lot faster than stitches.

Okay. Mask.

Mask. Mask.

Mask.

Lights. Lights. Lights. Lights. Okay. Okay. Sponge.

Wipe. Wipe.

I'm wiping as fast as I can.

You want faster, call Marcus Welby.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Florence, you got Blue Cross?

if she doesn't sign this thing here.

Vital signs.

Vital signs.

Hot beat.

Normal.

Breathing.

Yes. Yes.

Well, from here on, it's up to Florence. All we can do is make her comfortable.

Dr. Horschak, would you tear up some paper, put it in there, and make her

comfortable? Dr.

Washington, get the lamp. Get it in there. Let's get some heat in there.

get some heat. All right, I'll plug it in.

Gentlemen.

I've done what I can.

Now all we can do is wait.

I've never attended classes in person.

They're filled with students.

Well, it's about time you did. It's important that you see what's going on

classroom. Help! He's taking me in with people!

In there, help!

How's it going, Juan? Here's your hot water. Oh, pretty good, Mr. Carter.

you see, she's already had one baby. She's about to have another. Take a

Isn't that terrific, Helms?

That's true.

Sit down. You don't look too hot.

Oh, boy!

Isn't that great, the way she can do that, Mr.

Carter?

What'll they think of next?

Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

All I want to know is who is the father.

I think it's John Boy.

as innocent as he looks.

Hey, man, that don't look like no hamsters.

Look more like prunes with hair.

Am I to understand that you supervised this whole process?

Affirmative.

I supervised the delivery and, uh, John Boyd supervised everything else.

You see, in a couple minutes now, she's gonna start feeding them by herself.

Uh, this is amazing. I mean... It's really remarkable.

Well, you know what I think would be terrific, Miss Helms? I think it would

just great if you scheduled another counseling session with Mr. Epstein.

Uh, well, um, and this is not to admit that I was wrong, you understand, but I

have been known to reprogram my mind.

Hey, look, that's okay. But next time we get together, you gotta talk English,

see? Because, like, uh, hey, I don't understand computer.

I'll try, Dr.

Epstein.

Oh, hey, Mr. Carter, this is for you.

A bubblegum cigar.

They're very difficult to keep lit.

Yeah, well, it's a little present from me and Florence and little Gabe and

Julie.

Little Gabe and Julie, huh?

Which one is Gabe?

The one with the mustache.

So Julie is the little skinny one over there, huh?

Hi, Julie.

Hey, Julie, did I ever tell you about my Uncle Max?

Well, he was 64 years old and he decided to marry a 28 -year -old.

Julie,

did I ever tell you about my Uncle Max? He was 64 years old. He married a 28

-year -old girl.

No.

Why don't you tell me about it?

Oh, I would be delighted to.

Good. You see, Uncle Max was 64 and he wanted to marry this 28 -year -old girl.

I called him on the phone. I said, Uncle Max, you cannot marry that girl. At her

age, you're going to have to take her out. You're going to have to make love

her. At your age, that could be fatal.

He said, listen, if she dies, she dies.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

We always could spot a friend.

Welcome back.

And I smile when I think how we must have been.

And I know what a scene you were learning in.

Was there something that made me come back again?

And what could ever lead ya? What could ever lead ya? Back here where we need

ya. Back here where we need ya.