Original subtitles

Gabe, this is ridiculous. These kids are in and out of this apartment day and

night.

We don't have any private life anymore.

I really think that we should talk about it.

I'm all ears.

Here's an ear, and here's another ear.

Gabe, be serious.

Wherever we are, there's a little sweat hog between us.

Okay, all those who support the candidacy of our present leader, Mr.

Barbarino, raise your hand.

It's a tie.

Somebody did not... Epstein!

It's up to you, man.

Who's the new leader of the Sweat Hogs?

Washington!

You tried. Go on. Try and do without me, all right?

I'm dropping out of school.

Vinnie Barbarino is coming here.

Look, Julie, his father threw him out of the house. I mean, he came to me. What

was I going to do?

Goodbye, Mr.

Cotter.

We now continue with part two of our song.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya?

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya. We tease him a lot cause we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

If he's knocking on the window, Julie, I'll go back to sleep.

Yeah, honey.

Wow, his exercises are really working.

You know what, Julie?

I know that.

I'll answer the window.

Epstein, what's he doing here?

I don't know, but I'm going to find out.

7 .30 in the morning.

Epstein, what are you doing here at 7 .30 in the morning?

Oh, I came by for breakfast.

This place was highly recommended.

They want breakfast?

I'll give them breakfast.

There. There's your breakfast.

Dry cereal?

So where's the milk?

Barbarino! Hey, I thought you said we had reservations.

And if his father doesn't take him back in the house, we're both going to wind

up at the funny farm.

Oh?

And where is Mrs. Carter?

I do not hear the crackle of farm fresh country eggs.

Cool it, turkey.

Mrs. Carter split.

She took a powder, huh?

Yes, she did. Right after she told me I spend too much time with my students.

That's ridiculous.

We haven't seen you since we walked you home from school yesterday.

Well, I ain't gonna stay in the same room with my ex -friends, Benedict and

Arnold.

you guys to know that there are some teachers who only see their students in

school.

Julie was right. I'm calling her right now and telling her that.

Don't you guys have something to do?

No.

Go feed your faces. Go ahead. Get some food. Oh, hey, yeah. I can taste them

waffles. I'm going to make myself some waffles.

How do you make waffles?

Oh, it's kind of like making pancakes.

Only got to put little dents in them.

Yes, could I have Julie Cotter's room, please?

What do you mean she's not? She has to be. You're the only hotel in the

neighborhood.

Mr., could you look up Julie Hanson?

You see, Hanson's my wife's maiden name, and we're married, and we have a little

spats. I mean, who cares?

Just look it up.

My mother's maiden name is Dingfelder.

used it. I mean, how would that sound?

Hello?

How are you?

I'm Arnold Dingfeld, a horse.

Julie.

Julie, hi, honey. How you doing?

Okay, what's new?

You spoke to a lawyer?

You spoke to my cousin, Bernie, the lawyer?

Why don't you speak to your own... cousin Bernie the lawyer.

There are no Bernies in Nebraska?

Julie, what would make my cousin represent you? Go against his own flesh

blood.

You gave him $75.

Look, Julie, that's really a stupid thing to do. You're really acting like a

yutch now. You know that? You're a yutch from Nebraska.

Hello? Julie?

Hello?

Oh, Mr.

Carter, I feel real bad for you. But always remember, a woman...

a sometime thing.

She'll take your heart and give it a fling.

But when true love runs off its course, then she'll sue you for divorce.

And yet again... Get out of here!

Let's go.

Those punks finally leave. You! What?

Go to school. And if you're not going to go to school, go get yourself a job.

Boy, you sound just like my dad did when he kicked me out.

I bet you don't think I could get a job, do you?

Well, I'll tell you this.

You don't need brains to get a job, and I'm gonna prove it.

Yeah, Julie Hanson's room, please.

I'll show her who's boss.

You gotta be firm with women.

That's the only thing they understand, firmness.

Julie, honey, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to... Hey,

if you think we should separate, if that's the best thing, let's just get

together and talk about it. What do we need lawyers for?

Okay, why don't you come over here, baby?

Right after school, okay?

3 .30?

Okay, Julie.

I'll see you then.

horse check the awol what are you doing school's over washington attacks staten

island

I want your haircut by morning.

Hey, what's with you, Freddy?

I'm being leader.

Yeah? Well, you just led me into wishing I never voted for you.

Yeah, Vinnie didn't always act like the leader.

Sometimes he acted like a real person.

Yeah. How about it, huh?

All right, come on.

Let's get right to work. You all right?

a cocktail.

We need a recreation period.

Recreation period.

Class didn't start yet!

Let's start with a break before we get all tired.

with a little bit of music and some square dancing.

I'm taking this record and mailing it back to Hee Haw.

What I say goes.

And I'd like to say a few things.

My name is Mr. Carter. I am your teacher from nine to three at no other time,

which means coming to my house is a definite no -no. You people here have

friction between me and my wife, and I will not let that happen anymore.

From now on, there will be no jokes or no impressions in this classroom.

Now turn your books to chapter 47.

I want a full outline by tomorrow morning.

From now on, I will teach, you will learn.

impressionable children.

Just because your personal life is crumbling around your ears.

whatever you want to talk about.

All right.

I, uh, I want to talk... First, before you say anything, there's a question I

have to ask you. I mean, I'm just curious.

Doesn't really matter anymore.

Is there another man?

No. There are four.

Four? Well, now I know how you spend your afternoons.

sitting and thinking of new ways to entertain them. Julie, you know what's

with you? You're jealous.

You're so busy envying me my life, you haven't found time to go out and find a

life of your own.

Gabe, I can't do anything.

I'm an anthropology major.

Well, dig up the living room.

Julie, I don't know what to do. I mean, I'm so frustrated.

If you don't stop feeling sorry for yourself, I'm going to put my fist

this table.

You will not.

I am here to show you and you how tidy -dighty cleaner can change your life.

I do not believe this.

Will you please go and tidy your dighty somewhere else?

Wherever dirt congregates, tidy -dighty acts like thousands of teeny -weeny dirt

suckers.

This is where I came in. Julie, Julie, you can't leave again. Now sit down.

of you. Come on, sit down.

Let's go.

Okay, Julie, you said I've changed. I'm not Gabe anymore. I'm Mr. Cotter.

Well, you're right.

I'm a teacher, and I'm a good teacher.

Right now, I am going to teach.

Now, you, is this what you're going to do with the rest of your life, tidy

-didies?

Vinnie, you were voted out as leader. You weren't voted out of school.

My advice to you is simple.

If you're smart, you'll take it.

Go back to school.

And you, nobody voted you out of this house.

Okay, we have problems, but the only way to solve them is to solve them

together.

Julie, I know you're living my life, and you have to have your own life, but I

can't make that happen for you.

You have to do that for yourself.

Hey, you can't both leave.

Mr. Carter, I'll think about it.

But in the meantime, I got a lot of doors to knock on.

I'll think about it too, Gabe.

I thought that was a really great speech.

Soon as he starts after lunch, he'll make the day shorter.

Call off your sweetheart, will you, Carter? Call him off, please.

Washington, take your whistle and blow.

Hey, clean that whistle.

Carter, never repeat what I'm about to say to you.

I miss Barbarina.

All right, today we're going to get right to work.

I want to talk about the two -party system.

Now, Epstein, what are the advantages of the two -party system?

Oh, that's an easy one.

In the two -party system, you get to go to two kinds of parties, two kinds of

dancing, two kinds of chip dip, and two kinds of hoping you'll make out.

got somebody looking over your shoulder helps keep you honest now what would

happen without that competition you get a dictator like freddie yes sir no sir

anywhere with a can of beer sir

Yeah, a pain in my posterior.

You know, I'm getting the feeling that none of y 'all don't like me no more.

I just wanted to do a good job, that's all.

Look, it ain't so much that I wanted to be leader, it's just that... Hey, I

never was, and I never will be no follower.

Hey, Vinnie would understand that.

Somebody... Mention my name.

Here,

Mr. Carter, I'm back.

Vinnie's back in town.

Hey, it's official.

I was thinking about what you said, Mr. Carter.

I don't know, I couldn't sell that tighty -dighty crud, man.

Couldn't even sell it to you. You're the softest touch in town.

Well, you made the right move, Vinnie. I'm proud of you.

You're looking very well, Vinnie.

Ready. Go on back.

Not that glad.

Mr.

Carter, I came up with my own idea.

Why do we need a leader at all? I mean, why can't everybody just take care of

themselves? How's that?

Can we do that?

Hey, that's a great idea.

I cast my vote for no leader. All right. I'll take it.

Anonymous. Porsche, get me my book.

Okay, Benny.

So here?

All right. I hope you guys don't mind if we sneak a little school in here today,

okay? Mr. Kyle, I got one question.

Now that you and your wife are separated, right, I hope you don't mind

asked her out on a date.

Yeah, just a couple of minutes ago in the hall.

But she said she had to think about it.

Hi. Hi.

Honey, I want to... You go first.

No, you first.

Gabe, I'm so confused.

I know we have problems, but I really want to work them out.

I was so incredibly lonely without you.

I know what you mean. I mean, I kept turning to look for you when you weren't

there.

Last night I told the pizza man I loved him.

I guess we both have to change, huh?

Sure. Change is good. I mean, without change, there'll be a lot of wet babies.

All right.

No more jokes.

No more jokes with you and no more jokes in the classroom.

From now on, I am through with jokes.

No, your students love your jokes. It's the way you communicate with them.

I love your jokes, too.

Except there's one thing.

Why can't I tell a joke once in a while?

I can be very funny, you know.

I can, yeah, I know, right.

I can.

Okay, honey, why don't you tell a joke?

Oh. Well, I hadn't really prepared anything.

I know.

Why does the chicken cross the road?

Well, I don't know, Gracie. Why does a chicken cross the road?

To keep his pants up.

He crosses the road to keep his pants up.

Right. Don't you get it? Wait.

Why does a fireman wear red suspenders?

To get to the other side.

He crosses the road to keep his pants up. Of course.

I think it's time for my number.

Down in the river where the red roses grow.

Oh, my, don't you know.

Honey, let me do that red rose rag. Say goodnight, Gracie.

Good night, Gracie.

Julie,

listen. Did I ever tell you about my Aunt Bertha? No, no, wait, wait, wait.

me tell you about Aunt Bertha.

No, no, no, no. My Aunt Bertha is funnier.

You've been telling jokes all day. Let me tell you. No, it's hysterical. It's

hysterical. Wait, you're going to laugh.

You'll see yourself laughing.

Okay? Yes.

Gabe? Yes?

Did I ever tell you about my Aunt Bertha? No.

No? What about her?

Aunt Bertha was so fat that when she sat around the house, she sat

around the house.

Chatter is recorded live before a studio audience.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who would have thought they'd lead you?

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

Yeah, we tease him a lot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Because we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.