Original subtitles

Julie, did I tell you what happened last week to my Aunt Esther?

You never even told me you had an Aunt Esther.

Last week, Aunt Esther was sitting in her living room when all of a sudden the

doorbell rang.

She entered the door, and there was a nice young man there who says, I have a

telegram for you.

She said, young man, you know what I wanted my whole life? A singing

He said, well, I'm sorry, this is not a singing telegram. She said, will you

begrudge an old lady a singing telegram once in her life? Would you do that to

me? He said, all right, lady, if you want it, I'll do a singing telegram. He

opened it up, and he said... Da -da -da -da -da -da, your sister Rose is dead.

It seems that she died in bed.

She was really great, but she was 88, and your sister Rose is dead.

Welcome back, Cotter. It's recorded live before a studio audience.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

that same old magic.

Hi.

I didn't hear you come in.

Julie, are you okay?

Look at me.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Look at me.

I'm an intelligent person. Yes, you are. I'm a college graduate.

I know, I know.

you looked at some lettuce for a while.

Okay, look, I'm sorry.

Okay, now, what's the problem?

Candy Lieberman came over today.

Oh, well, Candy Lieberman is a definite problem.

I know that she is not your favorite neighbor.

Favorite? Julie, we don't like each other.

Every time I go to take out the garbage, she boos.

It is not you personally.

It's husband.

In general.

She had a very bad marriage.

Of course it was a bad marriage. She was the wife.

Well, she is thrilled about being single. And she was over here today

her freedom.

She's going to Vermont to go skiing this weekend.

Well, big deal. I mean, you could go skiing if you wanted to.

That's what I told her.

So she asked me to go with her.

Well, what did you say?

I told her I'd have to ask my husband.

Julie, that's just it. You don't have to ask me.

Look, we have a free and an equal relationship.

If one of us wants to do something, we just do it.

Now go over and tell Candy that you'll go skiing with her this weekend.

I already did.

Without asking me!

Okay, so to ensure our system of government...

That all men and women had the right to choose their own way of life.

We fought the Revolutionary War that winter in Valley Forge.

It was cold, brutal.

Two feet of snow on the ground.

All the lifts were open.

And the instructors wore tight ski pants.

Excuse me, Mr. Carter.

Valley Forge in Pennsylvania?

Sure, it's in Pennsylvania.

Well, I don't like to be picky, but you seem to be pointing somewhere in the

neighborhood of Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

I got a question.

How come they always say George Washington slept here, George Washington

there? I mean, who cares where George Washington slept?

Probably only Martha.

You know something?

I think he might have had a thing going on the side with Betsy Ross.

Oh, Betsy Ross.

She was a little so -and -so.

Hey, Mr. Cotter, you think guys like George Washington, uh, messed around?

Hey, Epstein, are you kidding?

A guy in a powder wig is looking for trouble.

two blacks in this neighborhood.

Oh, yeah?

Well, how do you know while George was away, Martha didn't play?

That's right. Now, who knows what Martha did?

She might have gone skiing with Candy Lieberman.

Come here. I want to talk to you. Is that weird?

No, well, let's go watch it. Let's check him out. What's going on? Yeah.

Hey, Carter, we was all wondering.

I mean, what's wrong with you today?

What's wrong? Yeah.

What's wrong with me?

Yeah. Nothing wrong with me.

Oh, come on. You can't kid us.

I mean, you leave me no choice but to prove it.

Hey, Carter, up your nose with a rubber hose.

I mean, you are so low that you could play handball up against the curb.

See what I mean? The old Cotter wouldn't have taken that.

He's right, Mr.

Cotter. If you was yourself today and Vinnie said them things to you, why, you

probably would have said something like, uh, hey, Vinnie, you know why you don't

got no freckles?

Because they probably slide off.

We're your friends. I mean, come on, level with her.

What's the matter? What's wrong?

There's nothing wrong. It's just that Julie went away for the weekend, and

never been separated before.

Oh, you and Mrs. Carter separated.

Hey, that's a bummer. Isn't that a bummer?

Where's the other guy?

Hey, look, if you want, I mean, I'll take care of him for you.

Hey, it's nothing like that. She just went away for the weekend.

Sure, yeah, that's what they all say.

It's like my sister's husband.

He went away for the weekend.

He ain't been back in three years.

You know, Freddy is right.

Let me put it to you as delicately as possible.

You've been dumped.

Take it from me.

There's only one way to get over a woman.

Find another one.

I happen to know this girl. She's a little too old for me. She's 19.

Just believe me, she's ready to trot.

Ready to trot? Yeah. Well, take her out to Yonkers Raceway.

Look, I appreciate your concern, but Julie just went skiing for the weekend.

Come on, let's leave him alone. We better go now, all right? Come on, let's

guys, right?

She just went skiing for the weekend.

Hey, Mr. Carter, it's not that bad.

My sister's second husband only stayed away six months.

Be brave, little buckaroo.

Carter, I am the assistant principal, after all, and you are just a teacher,

if you have some sort of problem... Yes, I do have a problem. You see, my wife

suddenly decided... Oh, wife, husband -wife problem.

I mean, I've never been either of those. I mean, married, that is. If you had a

problem...

with the school supplies or the teacher's pension plan. Listen, Mr.

Julie and I have been married for three years, and this is the first time we've

been separated.

What do you mean? She left you?

Yes, for the weekend.

She went skiing in Vermont.

A ski weekend in Vermont?

Mr. Woodman, what's wrong?

Carter, sit down, please.

I'm going to tell you something very few people know.

I was once engaged to be married to the sweetest, purest girl who ever lived,

Bunny Schuldenfrey.

Bunny Schuldenfrey.

We were to be married on Christmas Day.

On the 21st of December, Bunny went on a ski weekend to Vermont.

I don't know if it was moonlight in Vermont or Max Schlicht in Vermont.

Who was Max Schlicht?

Her ski instructor.

I bet he had tight pants, huh?

And goggles.

Anyway, I, uh... I never saw Bunny again.

What? You mean she just vanished?

Oh, no, I, uh... I heard from her once.

Postcard from the Alps.

It was during the war, and, uh... Max was pretending to be Swiss.

I would never let a woman I loved spend a ski weekend in Vermont.

So, you are Julie Carter, huh?

Well, you're skinny but cute.

Not much meat there, but what there is is choice.

I am the fabulously handsome Max Leak.

Let's go mess around behind a snowdrift.

We'll shush under the stars.

We'll hot dog our way to heaven.

Come on, cutie pie.

You got plans, right?

Oh, you and Eddie got dates.

Wow.

Two S .I .M. students are flying in from Bangkok.

Hey, they'll take their shoes off and walk on your back.

Coffee tea or hoo -hoo -hoo.

Hey, listen, Marty, let's keep in touch, huh? Give me a call sometime.

Terrific. Hey, nice talking to you again, pal.

Bye.

Yeah, two S .I .M. students.

Probably two waitresses from the bowling alley.

Let's see, who can I call?

It's been so long.

Leon! Hey, it'd be great to see Leon.

Corporal Carter.

How you doing, Leon?

Hey, I'll tell you why I'm calling. My wife went away for the weekend. I'm

thinking, what should I do?

Then it hits me. I'll call up Leon, two old army buddies. We'll get together and

shoot the breeze.

Come on, we'll kill her Friday night.

No, I didn't know that, Leon.

I mean, how am I supposed to know that?

I didn't know that you became a rabbi.

Look, in the army, you aren't even Jewish.

Guess that takes care of Friday night, huh?

Why don't we get together on a Sunday night?

Terrific. I'll give you a call.

Okay. Shalom.

Shalom.

S -H -A -L -O -M.

He's goodbye.

Goodbye, Leon.

Must be a reformer, haven't we?

I can't do that.

Barbarino!

Mr. Carter!

What do you mean, what?

Your teacher, Mr. Carter!

Hey, look, you know, I don't want to get in the way of any plans that you guys

have made. No, no, no, no. Hey, no, man, we wasn't planning anything special.

I bet two blues and three whites.

I forget how much is that now.

Well, Mr. Carter wouldn't let us play for no money, so two blues and three

whites are worth two blues and three whites.

Two blues and three whites.

I'm out.

Hey, I want to talk to you. Come on, we're going to play poker here. Hey,

I gotta talk business. Come on, I'm talking to you. I'll be right back.

I'm out.

Buddy, please.

Now, um, I know that you're down, and I know that you're depressed, and I think

that you and me should go out tonight.

All right? Now, Angel Weintraub has got this older sister.

She don't care who she goes out with.

You mean, uh, she would even go out with somebody like me?

Oh, yeah.

She's... She's going out with guys worse than you.

Put that book away.

Pick it up and put it away. I don't want to see that book here anymore, all

right? Now, look, for the last time, Julie has gone away for the weekend. I

trust Julie.

Now, if you can't trust your wife, who can you trust, huh?

Meet him and we boys are full boat, crying towel downstairs.

I win, I win, I win.

Come on, let me call Angel.

We'll go meet his sister, right?

Sit down, Vinny.

Oh, we should.

You know what you should do? You should deal the cards, because it's your turn.

I don't want to hear any more about girls tonight, okay?

All right, all right. What are we coming here for? We came to play cards. All

right, all right. So are we going to play cards or what?

Let's play some cards. Here it is. They're on the table.

Vinny.

Vinny, what kind of game is this?

Okay, the name of this game is five -card forehead stud.

Sounds like a movie you guys aren't old enough to see.

The reason it's called five card is on account everybody gets five cards,

Now, except four of them are face up right now.

Now, I do the fifth one down like this, right?

Bing, bang, bang.

Now, you don't pick it up till I count three.

I ain't even counted one yet.

Now, when I count three, you didn't pick up the card, but don't look at it. And

you put it up on your forehead. Wait a second. You put the card on your

forehead?

Don't you know anything about poker?

I'm just trying to understand this game.

Okay, you got four cards face up. You put the fifth card on your forehead. So

now everybody knows what you have, and you're the only one that doesn't know

what you have, right?

Right. Dumb, dumb game. Let's do it. All right. Ready?

One. All right, all right. Antis, come on. Let's ante. Nobody gets a free ride.

No free rides. No free rides. All right. Here we go. Now, are we ready? All

right. One, two, three.

do look very ridiculous.

Especially you, Mr. Carter.

I mean, we're just kids, but you are a grown man with two hearts on your

forehead.

Well,

I guess I'm out.

Ah, a fool.

I'm out, too.

Well, I guess that leaves me and you, huh, Arnold?

Well, I'm gonna bet, and I'm gonna bet big.

Make it five whites.

Five.

and five blues.

Uh -oh.

Well, that's it. Now you're going to fold now, huh, Horshack?

No.

Hey, look, I gotta go. I mean, if I don't get home by midnight, my mother

my bed to somebody else.

Hey,

what's going? Is everybody leaving? Come on.

Hey, look, why don't I put on some records? We'll have another soda. I got

great old records.

Come on, I got Hermit's Hermits.

Jerry the Pacemaker.

I got a group you never heard. Danny and the Juniors. You really love it. We'll

see you, right?

Hey, how about Danny without the Juniors?

What's the matter with me?

No wife, no friends.

I've got nothing here.

And why am I here where there's nothing?

I could be in Vermont where there's Julie and Max Leach Jr.

I just pack up my suitcase and go to Vermont.

That's it. Simple.

Let me see. Vermont's cold. Snow.

Take a sweater, undershirt.

Bow tie. You need a bow tie.

Everybody's got a bow tie.

Let me see.

Belt. I'll pick a belt, put it around my pants. I got a belt. All right. I got

mouthwash, shaving cream.

Here we go.

Mouthwash, shaving cream, razor.

Okay.

My ears are going to be cold. I need something for my ears. Where do I get...

Bathrobe.

Drop a bathrobe around my ears.

My ears will be warm.

Great.

Skis. Terrific idea, Julie.

anymore. She just never stopped talking.

Uh, what are you doing with the suitcase?

Oh, the suitcase.

Oh, well, uh, you know how you have fire drills in school?

Uh -huh. Well, I was having a packing drill. You see, you never know when a

trick's gonna break out. Right, an absolute packing drill. Good, uh -huh.

What went on here tonight?

Oh, this, this, well, you see, I had one of my kinky parties.

I have one every time you go away.

I missed you.

Didn't you miss me?

Sure.

A little.

I could always catch up with Candy.

I'm sure that she is still somewhere in Vermont, talking to an empty chair.

You know I missed you, dummy.

You will go no place.

I am the fabulously handsome Max Slick Jr.

And it seems we are snowed in for the weekend.

So why don't we get comfortable and bundle up?

Um, when you say bundle up, what exactly do you mean?

I will show you, Liebchen.

It's easier than falling off skis.

Julie, did you read about this? The thing I have on a lumberjack strike.

Did anybody tell you that I have a... Wait, no.

You have a relative who is a lumberjack.

That's right, my Uncle Sanford. Now, he's a small guy, but a great

One day he goes up to this guy that's about to cut down a redwood tree. Big

huh? Uncle Sanford said, hey, mister, come here.

You're doing this all wrong.

The guy looks at him and says, well, I suppose that you could do it better,

He said, give me the axe, huh? Just give me the axe.

One swoop, vroom, whole tree goes down.

Guy can't believe it. He said, where did you learn to do that?

Uncle Sanford said, you want to know where I learned to do that?

I learned to do that in the Sahara Forest.

I said, you meant the Sahara Desert, didn't you?

Uncle Sanford said, now!

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead you? Who'd have thought they'd lead you? Back

here.