Original subtitles

A lady buys a monkey.

What kind of monkey?

A regular monkey.

Now,

a husband hates the monkey because a monkey is always mimicking a husband.

Okay, a husband's eating breakfast, right? Monkey goes... He's taking a

The monkey comes in the bathroom and goes... Driving the guy crazy.

And what does he do?

Well, he's in the bathroom and he's brushing his teeth one day, gets an

He's brushing his teeth.

Monkey comes in and the monkey goes... So he gives the monkey a razor. He takes

a razor without a blade, puts lather on his face, right? Starts shaving. He

goes... The monkey goes... He goes... The monkey goes... He

goes... The monkey goes... Welcome

back, Tatters. We recorded live on tape before

studio order.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

We tease him a lot because we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

you're probably aware today's the day when you receive your mid -year report

cards.

For my favorite, to chai.

Ugh.

Kathy.

What'd you do, get hungry on the way to school?

No, um, I found it that way.

Hey, I'm only kidding, man. Hey, but remember, it's the thought...

hand these out, I want to explain that it's still not too late for you to

improve your grade. So remember... Carter, I got a very important note from

here. Well, a surprise.

Epstein has a very important note from home. It's from my mother's doctor.

It's from his mother's doctor.

Dear Mr. Carter, Epstein's mother has been very ill with a heart condition

and furthermore...

The slightest shock to her.

Like, for instance, her son, Juan, getting any bad grades, well, that could

her right over the edge.

So, it continues.

Please give Juan a good grade in English.

What? A good grade in English. Oh, that's impossible. This is an English

And it's signed, very truly yours, Epstein's mother's doctor.

Sit down, Epstein.

Sit down.

Anybody else have any excuses?

Anybody want to make any appeals?

Anybody expecting a phone call from the governor?

I would never beg.

Possibly how to improve it.

Any of you would like to know how to make an F into a B?

You can see me right at the homeroom.

Thanks, Mr. Cotton.

You just killed my mother.

It's just that I thought that my report card was bad until I got a look at

Vinnie's.

Mr.

Carter, how can I take this report card home and show it to my mom?

That woman's a saint.

I remember.

Your mother's a saint.

You're going to be upset, huh?

You probably got no idea what it feels like to get hit with beads.

Yeah, that's how you teachers get your jollies.

Well, I don't.

But I'm not going to pass you unless you earn it.

Look, it wouldn't be fair to you.

Suppose all your teachers just passed you along and you didn't learn anything.

What do you think you'd wind up being?

A high school graduate.

Okay, you tell me. What grade should I give you?

Yeah? Yeah, you tell me.

to give me an A.

You want an A, huh?

Okay, you ready? Here it comes.

A!

I got mine.

Well, it's the only kind of A you're gonna get.

Vinnie, you shouldn't be failing. You're a kid with brains.

Look, man, if you don't get it together, you're gonna get left back.

Now, how would your mother like that?

Oh, no, she wouldn't like that.

Vinnie, I want to help you. I just don't know what to do.

Hey, how about if I got you a tutor?

Somebody to work with you after school.

Hey, believe me, it's not going to be that bad.

All right.

But is there any way we could do this without books?

Hiya,

Judy.

Let me have your books.

I think it's terrific that you offered to tutor Vinnie after school.

It's okay, Mr. Carter. A lot of kids in the academically enriched class do it.

You know, it seems to work better when kids help kids.

So listen, princess.

Thanks for welcoming me to class.

I'll meet you later at the usual place, behind the billboards on 84th Street.

So, you're going to be my tutor, huh, Judy?

Well, start tooting.

I want to get out of here. Have a good time.

Let's get one thing straight, Barbarino.

I'm not doing this because I like you.

Well, I see you two are getting along just fine.

great, so I'm gonna leave you alone.

Have fun.

Hey, Vinnie, where you going?

He said, have fun.

I'm going to meet Princess behind the billboard on 84th Street.

No, no, no, no, no. You're gonna get tooted.

I'm gonna go meet Princess behind the billboard.

session, I think I should stay for a while.

All right. Now, open up your social studies book to page 27.

What?

Your social studies book.

Where?

Right in front of you.

Hey, don't rush me.

This ain't easy for me, you know.

I never opened the book before.

All right, Vinnie, now look.

Are you going to cooperate or what?

who she's dealing with.

I'm the best ranker at Buchanan.

You think you're so smart.

You act as if you were first online when they handed out brains.

Watch yourself, or I'll let the air out of your dress.

Hey, I heard the last time you went to Coney Island, you was wearing a white

bathing suit.

And everybody was saying, hey, there goes Moby Dick.

How's it going, please?

Okay, that's enough. Hey, Vinnie, I heard your father just got a new job.

Riding shotgun on a garbage truck.

Yeah, what's the matter?

What's the matter is there's a time and a place for everything.

You shouldn't do things like that in school.

It's not right.

I mean, suppose I came in and I started doing it to you.

I mean, suppose I said, uh... Hey, Judy, I understand there's three kids in your

family. One of each.

face and then they turned you over and said hey look twins welcome back

so

look

after homeroom i'll meet you and then i'll walk you to next class okay sure

okay see you later bye

with my grades. Oh, come on.

Is that all she's helping you with, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Then why you been walking her to class?

Or should I say rolling her?

Let's go.

Sit down.

I want you to take out your report cards which should have been signed by your

parents.

soggy. My mother cried on it.

Thank you.

Why isn't this signed?

I mean, your mother didn't finish signing it. All she said was Mrs. E.

that's as far as she got before losing consciousness.

Well, try reviving it and having her finish signing it by tomorrow.

Thank you. Thank you, honored.

Report card.

Hi there.

Hi there, buddy.

Hey, baby.

Where's your report card?

Oh, my report card. You see, I don't happen to have it right here handy.

Oh, let me ask a question then. Where is it? Oh, I'll wait out.

My mama's got it. You dig? Yeah.

I dig it. Didn't she sign it?

No.

She just took it in her left hand and then she hit me upside my head with her

right.

she threw a chair at me.

And then she tried to cave my back in with a TV set.

All right, all right.

How do your father sign it?

You crazy?

He's the one with the bad temper.

I want that report card tomorrow, Freddie. All right.

You know, these people act like you're the only ones that ever had to take a

report card home and show it to your parents.

I want to tell you something. I had a lot of bad ones in my day.

Yeah? What did your daddy do?

My dad used to sit me down and say, so listen, you got a bad report card, big

deal. No one's gonna holler, we're not gonna scream, no one's gonna hit you.

Just go back to school and you try to do the best you can.

And next time, if you should pass, well, then we'll untie you and let you eat

again.

second, Julie.

I got something I want to tell you.

What?

Look, I can't walk you to class no more.

Why not?

Well, you see, I got a certain image to uphold, right?

And like, if I was always walking you to class all the time, Well, like my

friends. Like they might get the wrong idea or something.

What wrong idea, Vinnie?

Oh, you know, like we was going together or something.

Oh, and you wouldn't want your friends to think that someone like you could

possibly go with someone like me.

Right, right.

Oh, I'm so glad you're being so reasonable about this.

Oh, but look, you can still keep tutoring me and stuff. That'd be good.

thanks. Thanks a lot.

And you can go over to the Texaco station and go sit on an air hose.

She made the same mistake I did.

To try to help you.

She thought there was somebody worth helping inside that dopey leather

Look, I like Judy.

Oh, sure. You liked her.

Until you decided she wasn't cute enough to hang around with Steve Stunning.

Vinny, this whole thing started because I didn't want you to fail social

studies. I'll tell you.

You're failing something a lot more important than social studies. You're

failing life.

So take Judy's advice.

Go sit on an air hose.

Now you made me feel bad.

Hi, Judy.

Mind if I sit down?

Oh, get lost, pea brain.

Thanks. Don't mind if I do.

Are you sure you can risk being seen here with me?

Oh, look, Judy.

What I said in the classroom before, it didn't come out like a minute.

I mean, I like you, and I really... Oh, what? You go over to the Brooklyn

Bridge, take a sharp left, and don't stop walking till your hat...

Listen.

You're not making this any easier.

I'm trying to apologize.

For what?

Being a reject?

Oh, that's not your fault. You were probably born that way.

Oh, you got a mouth on you.

What I'm trying to say is would you want to go out someplace with me in public?

Let me get this straight.

Are you asking me to go out with you, Vinnie?

Yeah.

Would you go out with me?