Original subtitles

Did I tell you about the time my Aunt Lucille took driving lessons?

No, but I have a feeling I'm going to hear all about it.

Yes, because I know that you really want to keep inside.

She's taking driving lessons, the instructor is sitting on her side,

First of all, she puts her hand out the window like this, then she goes like

this, and then she goes like this.

Well, why did she do that?

That's just what the instructor said.

Lucille, why did you do that?

She said, well, first I was going to make a left turn, then I decided to make

right turn.

Then I decided not to make any turn, so I erased the whole thing.

Welcome back, Connors. You're recorded live on tape before a studio audience.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back.

To that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya?

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya. Yeah, we tease him a lot. Cause we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Okay. Yeah, I'll tell him as soon as he comes out. Uh -huh.

Yeah, six will be fine.

I am looking forward to meeting you and Mary Frances, too.

Okay. Yeah, I'll see you later. Bye -bye.

We'll never guess who just called.

So I don't have time. I'm late, Julie.

Come on. Guess who's coming to dinner?

Okay. What are you cooking?

My world -famous tuna casserole.

It's nobody that we ever want to see again.

That's very cute.

I'll give you a hint.

I can't wait to see old Gabby Gabe again.

Say that again.

I can't wait to see old Gabby Gabe again.

Lyle Flanagan is coming here?

You guessed!

Boy, did he sound nice.

Of course he sounded nice.

Lyle Flanagan was the nicest boy who ever went to Buchanan.

He's so nice, he would help old ladies cross their legs.

Gabe, you should be happy.

You haven't seen Lyle Flanagan in ten years.

Julie!

Did it ever occur to you that if you haven't seen someone for ten years,

are it's because you don't want to?

Now I find out that when I'm in the bathroom shaving, my wife, that's you,

invites a Lyle Flanagan to dinner.

You're mad at me.

Julie, I'm not mad at you. I just don't want to have Lyle Flanagan over for

dinner.

What's wrong with Lyle Flanagan?

You want to know what's wrong with Lyle Flanagan?

I'll tell you what's wrong with Lyle Flanagan.

There's nothing wrong with Lyle Flanagan.

That's what's wrong with Lyle Flanagan.

Lyle Flanagan is perfect.

Did you ever know a kid went through school without a pimple, a blemish?

I wouldn't even settle for a wart.

We were on a basketball team together. Lyle Flanagan used to score 30 points a

game and he would never sweat.

I was second string. I used to sit on the bench and sweat.

The only person that was as bad as Lyle Flanagan was that Miss Personality

cheerleader you used to go out with.

If her name is Mary Frances, it's going to be old home week around here tonight.

That figures.

I knew that those two were going to get married.

They look so nice, they probably stood on their own wedding cake.

Well, maybe they're not so nice anymore.

Julie. Lyle Flanagan is not a bad guy.

He's not mean. He's not hostile.

Throughout school, he always acted superior.

You want to know something?

What? He was.

What are you going to do?

While I'm at school today, working with my students, move.

up all by myself this morning.

Not today, all right, Arnold? Someday we'll discuss the history of the whoopee

cushion and the dribble glass, but not today.

All right, swan hogs, another day, another dollar.

Let's get right to work.

Book reports.

Mr. Carter, what does that mean, another day, another dollar?

Well, Vinnie, in the case of teachers, it comes very close to being a financial

statement.

Book reports.

Hey, Mr. Carter.

Mr. Epstein.

Couldn't you get rich being a teacher?

Epstein, I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life. Uh -huh.

Unless I want to buy something.

Why? Huh?

Oh, well, you know, I was thinking about being a teacher, you know? But, like,

if there's not enough bucks in it, why be a sap, huh?

No, I think I'm going to be a street sweeper. It says here, you know, uh...

can make 18 ,000 bucks a year.

Where? Right here, 18 ,000 bucks a year.

Don't bring papers into class.

That's in San Francisco.

That's where they have all those earthquakes.

They should get paid that much money. They got to sweep buildings up off the

street.

All right, quit the stalling. Book reports.

One last question.

Okay, Freddy.

But make it simple and make it quick.

Mr. Cartier.

What is the meaning of life?

Ah, sweat hopper.

You asked the meaning of life.

You must go to Epstein's gym locker.

Open it up.

Take one deep breath.

will survive that, you will survive anything.

All right, let's go. Book report.

I got one, master.

Book report.

The Arabian Nights.

Adventure. 1942.

Black and white.

Two brothers, John Hall and Leif Erikson, fight over a throne.

Maria Montez, Cebu, Tarham Bay.

90 minutes.

Repeat.

How was the movie?

Oh, it was wonderful.

Cebu and the elephant lived happily ever after.

Mr. Coddick, you got my book report.

Oh, another surprise.

Trailer Park Cutie.

By Miss M.

An original nightstand classic.

Monica New.

That one man was too much.

Yet ten were not enough.

That's enough, Vinnie.

She awoke in the morning glistening. I don't care about her glistening.

Next time you bring a book report in and a plain brown wrapper.

That's enough.

Enough.

You know, sometimes I wonder why I bother with you people at all.

Don't you like teaching, Gus, Mr. Carter?

I love teaching, Arnold.

Teaching is my chosen profession.

But there are days like today when all I am is a straight man for sweat hogs.

I might as well have become a door -to -door salesman.

make a sale.

Mr. Carter, what's bugging you, huh? What's bugging you? You want to know

bugging me?

Okay, I'm going to tell you what's bugging me.

I have a bad case of Lyle Flanagan.

When did you first notice that something was wrong with your Flanagan?

as a person, Freddy. We went to school here together.

Well, come on, Mr. Carter. Why don't you tell us about him?

There's nothing to tell. We went to school together. We were on the

team together.

Now I heard he's making a million dollars.

He's in a big office building with 18 secretaries, and I'm back here where I

started.

Don't you find teaching a rewarding experience, Mr. Carter?

Aren't you happy with us? Yeah, you know, you didn't have to be a teacher,

Carter. Hey, Mr. Carter, man, you could have made just a whole lot of money.

That's right, Freddy, I could have. I mean, I have plenty of opportunities.

Heather Weintraub's father wanted me to go into the funeral biz, as Heather used

to call it.

Well, why did he do it?

Because Heather looked like she modeled for the caskets.

You know, Mr. Carter, I get the distinct impression that you are not happy.

Why shouldn't I be happy, Arnold? So far, it's been a terrific day.

First of all, I wake up late. Second of all, my wife... Cooks me orange juice

for breakfast.

Then she invites somebody I haven't seen in ten years who I don't want to see to

dinner tonight.

Then I come to school, and Arnold Horschak has me chasing a wallet down

hall.

And after that, nobody's done their book report. Epstein was up till two o

'clock in the morning with Say Boo, Maria Montez, Repeat.

Barbarino did a book report, too.

Park Key by Miss M.

Monica knew that ten men were not enough, but a hundred was too many. And

wants to know why Mr. Couture ain't making $18 ,000 a year like some street

sweeper in San Francisco.

Now I got seven more classes I gotta go through today, then I gotta go home and

have tuna casserole, blech, with Captain No -Pimple and his wife, Sister Mary

Pompom.

Hey, look, I got a great idea.

They're here.

This is my idea.

Make a very thin sandwich and slide it under the door.

We can't do that.

Can we?

No.

It wouldn't be nice.

And we gotta be nice. Lila and Mary Frances are coming, so we're gonna be

nice, nice.

wife. This is Julie, Mary Frances.

So nice to meet you. Gabe has told me so much about you and Lyle.

Lyle is still parking his car.

He is so fussy about that car.

I'd hate to tell you how much it costs.

Well, was there a lot of traffic?

$14 ,500.

A lot of traffic.

Go take your coat, Mary Frances.

must be Julie.

You're just as pretty as you sounded on the phone.

What a nice thing to say.

Thank you. That's my Lyle. Gabe, you old son of a gun.

How you doing, Lyle? Well, Gabe, I don't mind telling you that I'm making a

bundle. A bundle.

You hear that, Julie? Old Lyle here's in the bundle business.

Let me make you a drink. Great.

Lyle, isn't it sweet?

that Gabe still lives in the old neighborhood.

Oh, I remember what this neighborhood is like.

That's why I'm glad I found a spot right in front of the building.

Gabe, that car of mine eats gas like a bus, and I'd hate to tell you what I

for it.

$14 ,500.

You've got one, too?

The city takes care of my bus. They lock it up at night so they can paint over

the graffiti.

It's a joke!

He means the bus, bus, Mary Frances.

Mary Frances.

Oh, Gabe was always funny, remember?

I mean, Gabe always had something to say. That's why we called him Gabby

Didn't we, Gabby Gabe?

I have nothing to say.

Dinner will be ready in a few minutes.

Julie, do you know what I would love? No.

A tour of the house. Do you mind?

I would be delighted to take you on a tour of the house. Oh, thank you.

Let us start over here in our spacious dining room.

This is where visiting heads of state have been known not to show up.

Two steps to the right, and we're in our kitchen, which, as you see, is

decorated in early Munchkin.

Now, over here, this is our spacious foyer.

Trying to keep up with the tour, Mary Frances?

That's my den out there. which is decorated in early fire escape.

Now, the third one to the right, you see the one over there with the racing

stripes and the chrome?

That's our garbage can.

Which brings us back to our bedroom, which your husband Lyle is sitting on.

Why, it's the most quaint and charming little apartment I've ever seen, isn't

it, Lyle? I can't imagine what we're doing with five bedrooms.

I can't imagine what you guys are doing in one bedroom.

I mean, you're so busy, I wouldn't think you had any time to sleep. Oh.

Do you have any children?

No.

Mary Frances was always more willing to die than do anything to mess up her

hair.

heard about your famous tuna casserole.

Yeah, we didn't want your dinner guests going hungry.

So we decided to bring some real food, you know?

A taste of the good life.

Fine food in a gracious setting.

Is that your car parked out there?

Yes. The black one? Yeah. Yeah? Well, you better get it out of here in a

man. There's a Puerto Rican family moving in at this. What?

We make it around a lot in class.

We only do it because we like you, really.

Yeah, and we don't want to lose you, Mr. Carter.

Yeah, we want you to see that you ain't got to be rich to live big.

Well, thank you. I appreciate that.

Where'd you guys get all this stuff?

Yeah, I mean, it looks like the U .N. cafeteria.

Well, you see, we told our folks that you finally got tired of us.

They wanted to quit teaching, so they sent this stuff over, you know? As a

of gratitude, so that you'll know how much you meant to them.

And us, too.

Yeah, my mom says to tell Mr.

Carter, anybody who can keep my wine in school deserves my specialty.

You see, it's a Puerto Rican Jewish dish.

It's called, uh, a filter.

Mo -fang -lo.

I'm well off. We're rich, Lyle.

Hi.

Hi. I'm Vinnie Barbarino.

Head sweat hog here.

You probably want to know more about me. No.

Mary Frances, these are the new sweat hogs. Yeah, we're the new sweat hogs.

of me?

Lyle, to these kids, being a sweat hog is a badge of honor.

You know, not everybody can be a sweat hog.

Hey, man, that's true, man. You take my main man. Mr. Carter here, for example.

Ain't that right, brother?

Man, he was a sweat hog once.

Now, he don't want to be no more sweat hog. No more.

Hey, Freddy, come on. That's not true.

Lyle, I was uncomfortable about you coming here, and I told them about it,

think that's what they're doing here.

They're my students, but they're also my friends.

I'm a sweat hog, and I guess I'm always going to be one.

I mean, you don't make a lot of money, but you meet an interesting class of

people.

So you and Mary Frances are welcome to stay, but if you don't want to be around

sweating... Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Gabe.

Let me tell you something.

I know that you never really liked me very much, and... Well, that's not true.

No, it is true. I knew it all along.

But you let me hang around, and for that I was grateful.

Here, what did you want to hang around with me?

Envy. That's it.

I'm still envious of you. Oh, lie, lie.

You're riding around in a $14 ,000 car and you envy me? That's right.

Why?

Gabe, you don't know how much you've got with your students.

I mean, what do I have?

What I'm saying is it's not so nice being nice.

It's boring being nice.

Gabe, all through school, I wanted to be a sweat hog.

But dirt never stuck to me.

I was too perfect.

It's love.

being perfect. It's boring being perfect.

It's boring being rich. I have five boring bedrooms.

Am I included in those five boring bedrooms?

Mary Frances, no one has a headache for seven years.

Lyle, what are you saying?

Well, I think that sounds like sweat hog talk to me.

Yeah? You really think so?

Well, don't take my word for it. Ask the experts.

Well, that was sort of like a rink, you know.

I think I'll give him an A for effort and a C for the execution.

Okay.

Yeah, well, he's real white bread, you know, but, uh... Okay.

Congratulations, Mr.

Flanagan.

Well, I guess that's it. You're an honorary sweat hog.

Right.

And thank you. You made me feel as rich as you are. Gabe, you are.

You're richer.

And you're not in trouble with the internal revenue.

That was a good one, Mary Frances.

What? What was?

The rank. You just ranked Lyle.

Congratulations, Mrs.

Flanagan.

Now you're...

Wants a barbecue his whole life. A barbecue, okay. Right, he likes to cook

right? So he finally buys a barbecue. He's so happy. He's down in the

He's cooking a couple of steaks, and he's singing, Oh, sir, I'm your la -la

-la.

Drunk walks by. He goes, Hey, mister, you got a terrific voice.

Put your monkeys on fire.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Yeah, we tease him a lot. Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Because we got him on the spot.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Yeah, we tease him a lot.