Original subtitles

Ah, it's too bad you went to sleep early last night.

Why? What'd you have in mind?

There's a terrific movie on the Late Show. Spy movie.

We don't bet this Israeli spy has to deliver this microfilm to this guy in

Lower East Side of New York. They give him a code.

He's supposed to say, the sky above, the mud below, and the other guy is

supposed to say, okay, I'm your contact, right? So he gets to this address on

the Lower East Side, Delancey Street, looks at his directory, and there's two

Bernsteins. Well, what did he do?

Well, he had this cold message, so he figured he'd try the one on the first

floor. So he knocks on the door. A little old man peeks through the key.

know what he does?

He goes, Mr. Bernstein, the sky above, the mud below.

The little man looks at him and says, you don't want me. You want Bernstein to

spy on the second floor.

Welcome back. Potter is recorded live before a studio audience.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who would have thought they'd lead you? Who would have thought they'd lead you

out here where we need you?

Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Magic that I weave so well.

Good morning, Charlie.

Good morning, Gabe.

To the patron saint of science teachers.

To Baron von Frankenstein.

Hey, Charlie, when you die, it's going to take a mind ace to beat your liver to

death. When you hear my news, you're going to wish you were dead. You are

reviewed today.

Look like a teacher. Look miserable.

I'm sorry. I can't. I'm happy.

There's no time to be happy.

When Woodman comes in and looks at your class, tell the sweat hogs to shut up

and study.

Charlie, I've been trying some experimental things in class, and

starting to pay off.

I mean, instead of them memorizing dates, I'm making them think for

For the first time, I feel like a teacher.

And I'm not going to give that up just because it's review day.

Well, let's hope Woodman is in a good mood.

Where's your class, Connor?

The bell just rang.

Piper, get to your classroom.

Yes, sir. If I were in such a good mood, I'd have both your jobs for this.

If I were in such a good mood, I'd have both your jobs for this.

That's pretty good.

You're lucky he's in a good mood.

that we was going to rap like we was doing yesterday.

All right?

You really got into what we were doing yesterday?

Yeah. Okay, come on. Everybody get in a circle.

Let's go. Circle.

You know that the circle is the oldest form of education?

It goes back as far as history itself.

I want you to... I want you to feel free to talk about anything you want to talk

about.

I saw The Wizard of Oz.

For the 14th time.

Okay, all right, all right. What do you all think The Wizard of Oz was about?

Oh, it was about the two hours and 20 minutes, including commercials.

And, no, it was a lot of made -up junk about a lot of dudes in animal suits.

Yeah, but they all represented people, Freddy. Like the scarecrow was looking

for brains.

Like Corshack.

needed a heart. Like Epstein.

Right.

And a lion, he needed courage.

All right, put him up, put him up. Come on, put him up. I'll fight you with both

hands behind my back. Come on. I'll fight you with an eraser in my ear.

Very impressive, Mr.

Carter.

Okay, the point of The Wizard of Oz was that they were all going for something

that they already had.

They just didn't realize it. Boy, were they dumb.

Hey, look, man, why are we going on about old stupid kid movie, man? That

cool. It's really important to you, Freddy, huh, trying to be cool? Hey,

man, I don't have to try to be cool.

I am cool.

Hey, just turn down the lights.

He'll heat up.

Okay, all right. No, it's all right to be cool.

But you got to be a cool something.

Okay, I want to build the tallest building in the world.

What are you going to call it, Washington Heights?

No.

I think I'm going to call it the Boom Boom Building.

All right, Epstein, what do you want to do?

I'm going to be a typhoon.

A restaurant typhoon.

to the stars. Puerto Rican Jewish delicacies are specialty.

No, this is Epstein, the refried matzo ball king.

What are you doing, Carter?

Brow show.

Mr. Woodman, I'm trying something new. Watch, it'll be the high point of your

day. My day has no high points.

What's going on here?

We're, uh, rapping.

Rapping?

Rapping what, Carter?

I'll just stand back here reviewing everything you do.

Okay, Barbarino, what kind of adult do you want to be?

I can tell you the kind of adult I want to be in two words.

Marlon Brando.

All right, all right, all right.

You want to go to acting school, Vinny?

No, I don't have to.

I'm going to be discovered in a drugstore.

Wearing a tight sweater?

Let's do a scene for them from The Godfather. All right.

Ready? Watch this.

Oh, we have to sit through this. Another magic moment in the theater.

to ask you a favor.

What?

A favor, dumb babarino.

What?

Hey, that was pretty good.

Well,

this is all very interesting, Carter, but don't you think it's time to start a

class? Mr. Woodman, this is class.

Carter, you're not using the textbook.

Mr. Woodman.

Mr. Woodman, in case you haven't noticed, we sweat hogs are forgotten

I mean, we don't get good books.

We get this.

Are you trying to tell me that's a bad book?

It's the pits.

Pits? What pits?

What does he mean by that, Connor? He means that it has no relevance to his

life, that it's outdated.

Look at this.

Soon the railroad would span the entire country.

Texas is the largest of our 39 states.

Oh, here's a good one. They predict television.

You're joking, Carter.

Okay, I'm joking about the railroad and Texas, but look, it says they predict

television. Well, they were right, weren't they? That doesn't make it a bad

book.

Mr. Woodman, it's the pits.

What pits, Carter? Put out a word with you alone in the hall, please.

Okay, try to keep this discussion going. I'll be right back.

Mr. Woodman, look, I know my methods are a little unorthodox.

Unorthodox, Carter?

Try crazy, try insane, try nutsy cuckoo.

You didn't like it.

Carter, I used to teach social studies. Social studies is memorizing names,

places, dates. In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

That's nutsy cuckoo.

Mr. Woodman, that's reciting, not learning.

Learning is a discussion between people, a dialogue.

The ancient Greeks did it. Where are your ancient Greeks today, Carter?

They're all in a restaurant on Ninth Avenue.

Look, Mr. Woodman, you said yourself it was interesting.

It's not school, Carter.

You talk, they listen. That's school. That's the way I talk. That's the way

have to teach.

I'm sorry, Mr. Woodman. I'm really sorry. But I'm not going to hurt these

by following an outdated set of rules.

Well, then, Carter, this school isn't big enough for both of us.

I'm bringing you up on charges before the teacher's review board.

You're kidding.

I never kid, Carter.

I have no sense of humor.

I'll take your class.

Turn in your chalk.

You're suspended.

That's the pits.

Welcome.

Miss Riley will act as an arbiter in this case.

Miss Riley, this is the accused's friend, Mr. Piper. How do you do? This

accused, Mr. Carter.

Mr. Carter. And the accused's wife, Mrs. Carter. Mrs. Carter.

My husband is a wonderful teacher.

Wonderful.

My wife is here for moral support.

Yes.

Michael, will you read your charges against Mr. Carter, please?

With pleasure.

Gabriel Carter has heretofore refused to use the assigned textbook.

Failed to follow the prescribed curriculum and furthermore is in

Section 3 of the Education Code.

In addition to that, he does groucho marks in the classroom.

Miss Riley, I'm here as a character witness for Mr. Cotter. May I say a few

words? Yes.

My colleague, Gabe Cotter, is a terrific guy.

I take it you've known him a long time.

Oh, yes.

Four or five weeks.

He is a great teacher.

You have observed his class.

Oh, you may recall the incident of the teacher that was arrested in the balcony

of a Times Square movie.

He is not the man.

Thanks a lot, Charlie. You just won the award for best performance by a moral

supporter in a non -supporting role.

Mr. Cutter, are your students planning to attend this meeting? No, of course

not.

His sweat hugs had the nerve to ask me for permission to be here.

Permission which I naturally denied.

That's not fair.

I mean, what we're deciding today is who's going to teach those kids, and I

think they should be part of that decision.

I mean, I think they should be here.

I see.

Mr.

Marmot, there's a meeting going on here.

Hey, Macca, when you hired the Linguini brothers to work, the Linguini brothers

will work.

That's all right, Guido.

This is absurd. What could be more ridiculous than this?

You're my sweat hog.

That's Moe, Larry, Curly, and that's Raquel.

Why did you guys come dressed like this? Because Mr.

Woodman said no sweat hogs could be here.

So we've been doing like we've been doing in class.

We started asking ourselves questions.

Selves, we ask.

What can we do to help Mr. Carter beat this rat, bud?

At first, ourselves didn't answer.

But suddenly...

Out of nowhere, a voice came into our heads and said, go to the library.

They went to the library?

You went to the library where they keep the books?

Yeah. And for three whole days, we spent looking up what you call legal

presidents.

Grant versus Richmond.

Dempsey versus Tunney.

Flip out a seal versus Caesar's Palace?

Here we are.

Section 3, subsection 8, paragraph 4 of the city charter.

Whatever that is.

Any teacher... Any teacher placed on suspension

has the right to a public hearing.

Mr. Carter, your students are somewhat offbeat.

They may speak if they will keep it brief.

Okay, Barbarino, take the stand.

Where should I take it?

It's a little joke.

All right.

Don't look.

All right, now.

I would really like Mr.

Carter back.

Because I figure his replacement could be worse.

Thanks a lot, Eddie.

Hey, I ain't through yet.

Now, I just think Mr. Carter's a pretty good guy.

About half the time.

And, and... And a wonderful teacher.

Yeah, and a wonderful teacher.

And don't let this dress fool you. I really mean it.

Good you're cold. They like their blimps back.

Pretty good speed, babe.

Hi there.

Hey, I'm just your average student from off the streets, and personally, I feel

Mr. Carter is a bad teacher.

You think he's a bad teacher?

No, no, no, no, no. I mean, not bad like bad.

But bad like... Bad.

Oh.

Bad.

See, most teachers ask you a question and they expect you to get the right

answer. Well, my main man, Mr. Carter, he lets us ask our own questions.

See, and sometimes there's more than one right answer.

Which means, all them times that I was wrong, I was right. You see, um, I was

right.

I thank you.

Hello.

Who are you?

I'm Arnold Horschak.

And up until now, going to school to me has always been like being vaccinated.

What do you mean, vaccinated?

Well, see, a subject is something you take.

And once you've had it, you are immune and need not ever take it again.

But... Mr. Carter here, he's not like that.

I mean, he really expects us to learn.

And it takes a heap of learning to make a boy a man.

You're a wonderful pupil, aren't you?

Hey, my man.

That's pretty good.

I, uh... I think my colleagues expressed themselves pretty good on the matter of

Mr. Carter getting the axe, you know?

So I got a list of grievances of my own I'd like to air.

First of all, the food in the cafeteria stinks.

That's completely irrelevant.

Irrelevant? You mean with the trunk in his ears? Hey, there's a whole lot of

relevance in the circus.

Mr. Revelli. Yeah, boss.

I just shot an elephant in my pajamas.

Now, how he had my pajamas, I'll never know. Hey, that's pretty good.

Now, there, you see, that's a violation of Section 3. He's imitating Groucho

Marx. I'm sorry, Mr.

Riley, I got carried away.

Epstein, fight the chair.

No, no!

No need to get red and puffy,

Michael.

Mr. Carter, is there anything you'd like to say in your own behalf?

In your own voice?

Certainly.

Certainly.

Miss Riley, I'm a teacher.

That's what it says on my locker. Mr. Carter, teacher.

And I'm teaching a group of kids known as sweat hogs.

Now, contrary to popular opinion, sweat hogs are not dumb.

I mean, a dumb person does not think of a way to make it rain in the gymnasium.

I did that.

Unfortunately, normal teaching methods don't seem to work for these kids.

I mean, if they did, well, then they wouldn't be sweat hogs.

Don't you see?

They're going to have to survive in the world of the future.

And if they learn how to learn, well, then they'll be able to survive

Copies of this speech can be obtained by writing...

You're a wonderful teacher.

Wonderful. Michael, would you care to say anything before I make my decision?

I think my case speaks for itself, Miss Riley. Very well.

Mr. Cotter, I may not approve of your methods, but I do believe in the rights

teachers to teach.

Now, I was impressed by your sweat hound... Hogs!

Sweat hogs initiative in doing research to save your job.

It seems that there is a method in your madness.

Now, you may think I'm old -fashioned, Mr. Conner, but in my youth, I was

considered rather radical myself.

I vote to retain you.

I demand a recount!

Miss Riley, Miss Riley, the man's methods, they're Nazi cuckoo! If you

him, Michael, you should be proud.

There is one condition. The regulations say that you must use the textbook.

Okay. I'll use the book.

Good. This meeting is adjourned. This is nutsick. Nutsick.

Nutsick.

Oh, Mr. Carter, I think I know what you've been going through. I was a

myself for 40 -odd years.

And they were 40 of the oddest years I've ever known.

Well, I think I'll just leave my wonderful husband with his wonderful

Congratulations, Gabe.

I'm glad I can help.

We won!

You think I copped out, don't you?

Yeah. And after all them fancy words.

Hey, man, you're acting just like everybody else.

Yeah, we thought the wizard was going to give you some courage.

You promised to use those dumb old books.

Aha! But I didn't say how I was going to use the books.

Okay, everybody take one.

Now I'm going to teach you all something you're very badly in need of. What?

Posture.

Remember, the sweat on.

Did I ever tell you what happened the last time I went to see my grandmother

Miami? No, but you will.

Okay, I'm on the plane, right? There's this little old lady sitting next to me.

She's got this big diamond ring.

So I said, look, lady, I must compliment you. That's a beautiful diamond ring.

She says, you don't know what this diamond ring is?

This is the famous Plotnik diamond.

The famous Plotnik diamond.

I said, wow, that's terrific.

She said, not so terrific.

There's a terrible curse that comes with this diamond.

I said, what's the curse?

She said, Sam Plotnik.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead you?

Who'd have thought they'd lead you? Back here where we need you.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Yeah, we tease him a lot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Because we got him on the spot.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Yeah, we tease him a lot. Because we got him on

spot. Welcome back.