Original subtitles

Oh, you remember my Uncle Ernie?

No, I don't.

That doesn't matter. He doesn't remember you either.

Anyways, get married again. This is the fourth time. The fourth time?

What about the other three wives?

First one died from eating poison mushrooms.

Second one died from eating poison mushrooms.

What about the third one?

Fractured skull.

A fractured skull?

Mm -hmm. She wouldn't eat the poison mushrooms.

Welcome back, Cotters, and recorded live on tape before a studio audience.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya?

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya. Yeah, we tease him a lot. Cause we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

got two minutes to the bell.

But would you like to know what would make me really happy?

What? Would you like to know what would make me supremely happy? Yeah.

Just once, if I could go into that room and see my entire class sitting there

before the bell rang.

Make another wish.

Look, Mr. Carter, we still got two minutes of private life left. Do you

Just once. Just once. That's all I'm asking.

She told me, Epstein. She told me.

Who, what? Who told you what?

Susie. You hit on her at the party. Tried to make out with my chick.

Hey, I wouldn't go near her.

Face it, Ludlow. The lady's a dog.

You call my Susie a dog?

Well, name me another girl that barks and rolls over.

That does it, Epstein. Let's go.

Hey, take it easy, man. Take it easy.

I'm trying to figure out what your new face is going to look like.

Hey, my friend, a word of warning.

Epstein was voted most likely to take a life. Oh, man.

Yeah,

I voted three times.

You coming, cream puff?

I'll check my bandana, please.

Yes, sir.

I accept your challenge.

Fifty cups, close range. Hey, give him room, give him room, give him room, give

him room. Let's go. Hey, that way.

Have a good time.

We ought to find out one of those blood type and start rounding

up donations.

Okay, okay.

You people are going the wrong way.

What's going on? Hey, Dr. Epstein is performing a nose transplant.

like a brisk morning workout, boys.

All right, all right, all right. Get in the class.

But we've got to find Epstein. I'll find Epstein. Come on, horse chat. Get in

the class.

Where's Epstein?

He's back there on the floor.

Go to your class.

Epstein, are you okay?

Hey, look at me, man.

So you got a black guy, huh?

Hey, you didn't look that terrific to begin with.

Come on, we're going to be late for class. I ain't going to class, man. I

never going to class.

Where are you going, then?

I don't know.

Into the religious life.

Brother Epstein, huh?

See the headlines. Puerto Rican Jew joins monastery.

Becomes the first schlamonk.

Yeah, that's what I think.

Hey, Juan, those kids in there, the Sweathogs, they're your friends.

Oh, man, nobody likes a loser, man. Hey, you know why you're leaving? Because

you don't have the guts to stay.

Who says?

I say. Oh, yeah? Well, who are you to say?

I am the ghost of Sweathog Cass.

Oh, man.

Hey, if I am wrong about this, may a thousand Mr. Woodmans move into my

apartment building.

You go back and you face your friends, and then I'll take it to the nurse.

You get that eye fixed up.

Epstein, man, are you okay? Check it out, man. See what happened.

See,

huh? They're still your friends. Of course we're still his friends. Man,

we're his friends, man. We're sweat hogs. Our hearts go out to losers.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Epstein is not a loser.

Hey, Mr. Carter, I'm only talking about the fight.

Did lose.

Hey, but you're my main man. You could be a big one at all that other stuff,

man. You know, like, um, like knitting.

And, um, like, um, ballet.

Look, Epstein, you're still our friend, and we respect you for who you are. A

totally beaten man.

You know, I am truly grievously upset with you, Epstein.

Everybody to respect me when my very meanest friend turns out to be a cream

puff.

Hey, you lied, man.

Now that I ain't the toughest kid, I'm nobody.

We were only kidding.

Do you have any idea where he might have gone?

Beside the zoo with the rest of the animals.

I'll let you know as soon as I hear anything.

Okay.

You've been a great help, Mrs. Epstein.

Thank you very much. Bye -bye.

It's incredible.

Absolutely incredible.

Her son's been missing for three days, and the only thing she says is, Hey,

Murray, no wonder there was an extra sausage last night.

Well, honey, maybe that's why being a tough guy is so important to him. Nobody

ever shows him any love.

Yeah, well, before I love him, I gotta find him.

If he only knew how much everybody wanted him back.

Well, what should I do?

Stand on the steps of the school and start singing?

Won't you come home, 1FC?

Won't you come home?

We moan the whole night long.

We'll do the cooking, Juan. We'll pay the rent.

Good morning, Mrs. Cutter.

Marina, what's going on in here? This is a classroom, not our wide command

headquarters.

This is our all -out effort to find our friend Epstein.

You was right, Mr. Carter. It was sort of our fault, his running away and all.

But we're going to make up for it.

Everybody's out looking everywhere.

You want to help? Here, be a blue pin.

Forget the blue pin.

There's a red phone on that table.

What?

red phone come from?

Oh, we found him.

Flying around.

In Mr. Woodman's office.

Oh.

Borshak, it's good to see you. What's the story in Coney Island?

Twelve potato knishes.

Who told you that you had to eat twelve knishes?

They did.

The Knishes.

They speak to you.

Yes. They said, Arnold.

Arnold.

Eat us.

We're fluffy.

We're delicious.

But they lie.

Arnold, you can't trust the Knish.

you better sit down. You're conditioned out.

What is the meaning of all this?

Well, for class today, Mr. Woodman, they're conducting a missing persons

They're trying to locate one Juan Epstein.

He might have joined the circus.

May have been an opening for a half -man, half -beast.

My red phone.

What's it doing here?

What?

any circumstances, answer my red phone except me and give it to me.

Hello?

It's for you.

Hello?

Hi, Julie. What?

I'll be right there.

Mr. Woodman, you gotta take over my class. Just pretend you're in charge.

don't deserve nice cold sodas.

What do you got that's warm and flat?

Hi, honey.

Hi. Is he still in there? Uh -huh.

Juan, Mr. Cotter's here.

I'll be right back with your flat soda. Don't go anywhere.

Where would I go?

Epstein, it's me.

Where have you been?

Missing. Actually, I'm still missing.

Epstein, you're not missing. You're in my bathroom.

Right now, I want... to take a bath.

Why, it ain't Saturday.

Epstein, come out of there. I'm going to break this store down.

No, you won't.

That's what you're supposed to say in situations like this.

You know what you're also supposed to say? What?

is to get your tail out of there.

Look, Mrs. Carter's out there and I don't feel like facing a woman.

Don't worry, Juan.

I'll lock myself in the bathroom.

Okay, look, you gotta promise me one thing, Mr. Carter.

I promise.

What did I promise?

That you don't look at me.

Okay?

Nice to see you again. You lost a little weight, haven't you?

Hey, Mr. Carter, the second rule after don't look at me is don't make fun of

Epstein, if you didn't want me to look at you, then why did you come here?

To say goodbye.

I'm running away to join the circus.

Don't you know... Don't look at me. Look at the lamp.

Don't you know that the one thing you can't run away from is yourself?

Because no matter where you go, lamp, you go with you.

Why don't you go back to school?

I can't.

Epstein, can I please look at you? I can't get through to this lamp.

Okay, but like, kind of like have no expression on your face.

right when they said it. I'm a punk.

Uh, a child of the streets.

A fly speck on the highway of life.

Hey, nobody cares about me, man.

Okay, then you tell me why those kids have been combing the city looking for

you. They have not.

They have.

In their own way, of course.

Hey, they care about you, Juan.

We all care about you.

And how come you didn't write?

Juan, you poor baby.

Oh, look at me.

Look at the lamp.

You know what I see when I look at you? What?

I see a sensitive, bright, energetic kid that has a lot more going for him than

muscle. You see that? Where? Where is that guy? Show me where.

I'll show you where that guy is.

That guy is in here.

And that guy is in here.

Yeah, well, how about right here?

There's nothing in there, Juan.

It's empty.

Nothing.

However, you are going to meet a tall, dark stranger.

they're making progress.

They knocked.

Epstein, how you doing? You ready to come back and wipe out Todd Ludlow, huh?

Yeah, man, we figured you rested up enough to get back a little sweat hog on

her. Yeah, you could hit him and kick him and knock him down the stairs and

on him.

I don't know.

Epstein, what's the matter with you?

Maybe Epstein has decided that there's more to being a man than winning or

losing a fight.

That manliness is not measured by the amount of macho a guy's got.

Right you are, Mr.

Cutter.

I get along without any macho at all.

Yeah, I'm holding it for him till he gets older.

Hey, look.

A real man's got to be tough. No way, Freddy.

Are you saying just because Ludlow took me out that I'm less than a man?

I mean, how about what I think and how I feel?

Hey, man, that's just a lot of jive words from Mr. Carter, man. No way. Hey,

man, look. He don't know nothing about living in the streets today, man.

Nothing. Hey, Freddy, what makes you think that today is any different than

yesterday?

Where do you think I got this nose from?

From a novelty store?

Shaq, this nose has been all over the place.

One year it was over here.

One year it was in back here.

One year I had to hide it in my locker to make sure it was safe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, man. But as long as we still got to be living here,

there's going to be times when we got to resort to fighting. You understand?

No. No, I don't understand. You don't understand that you have a choice.

You can use this, and maybe you guys will stay in this neighborhood the rest

your lives.

Or you can use what's in here and what's in here, and you got a shot at getting

out of here.

I mean, it's all up to you.

Let me translate.

Everybody make a fist.

Come on, make a fist.

All right.

Okay. Now open it up.

You see, there's nothing in there.

What? Right here, there's nothing there.

Where?

Why don't you call your mother, Juan? She's worried about you. Go ahead. Yeah.

You know something, Mrs. Cotter?

What one?

It's not much fun being missing.

I mean, like, you walk around all day, but you're not really there, you know?

Hello?

Pedro?

Yeah, yeah, it's me.

Hey, do me a favor. Put Ma on the phone, will you?

Hello, Ma?

Oh, Irving.

Yeah. Hey, Irving, could you get Ma to the phone?

Sanchez.

Sanchez, could you get Ma on the phone?

Hello, Ma?

It's me, Juan.

Juan Epstein.

Number six.

Short guy, curly hair.

Antisocial.

Right.

Yeah, well, I'm at the Carter's.

Yeah, I'm coming home.

Yeah, he's fine. Safe and sound.

Okay, I'm going to send him home.

Okay, I will.

She says if you were planning to come home for dinner, that you should eat

The sausage was already committed.

Why don't you all come back here for dinner?

Maybe you don't got to beat up on the guy to prove yourself.

That's right.

Use your head and get somebody else to do it for you.

Okay, I guess we're all going to have supper together, but we got to go back

school right now, so come on, let's go. We got a lot to learn. All right.

Hey, did I ever tell you about my Uncle Bernie who never took a bath?

No.

This is true. I had an Uncle Bernie who never took a bath.

Really? Yeah.

Now, one time he's gone away to vacation, you know. He's got two friends

One's a guy from India and one's a guy from Israel, right?

Their car breaks down.

Knocks on his farmer's door. He says, look, there's the three of us here. We

have no place to sleep for tonight.

Our car broke down.

The farmer says, well, two of you can sleep here, but one of you has to sleep

the barn because we don't have any room.

Which one slept in the barn?

Well, first, the guy from India says, that is all right, I will sleep in the

barn, no problem.

He goes, sleep in the barn. About a minute later, there's a knock on the

It's the guy from India. He says, oh, sorry, I cannot sleep in the barn.

a cow in the barn, and cow is a sacred animal, cannot sleep with a cow.

So what happened then?

The guy from Israel says, big deal, so I'll go sleep in the barn.

He goes to the barn. About a minute later, there's a knock on the door. It's

guy from Israel. He says, I can't sleep in the barn. There's a pig in the barn,

and it's not kosher, and I can't sleep with a pig.

Well, my uncle had to. He said, all right, I'll sleep in the barn. So my

went to the barn. A minute later, there's a knock on the door. There's the

and the pig.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya?

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya. Yeah, we tease him a lot.

Cause we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Yeah, we tease him a lot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Cause we got him on the spot.