Original subtitles

Gabe, what are you doing out here? It's almost midnight.

This listening to the wind whistle through my shorts.

What's bothering you, honey?

There was something going on all week with those kids in my class.

I couldn't figure out what it was.

Well, then how do you know that something's going on?

They're not acting like themselves.

They're acting like people.

They're talking instead of yelling.

Epstein has showed up three straight days, and Barbarino hasn't tried to take

over the school all week.

Gabe, don't worry so much. You're the best teacher I know.

I'm the only teacher you know.

I'm a failure.

The kids don't trust me.

They had a problem and they wouldn't come to me with it.

Maybe I wasn't cut out to be a teacher.

Maybe I should have gone off with Jacques Cousteau.

Jacques Cousteau.

Our ship was stuck in heavy ice.

It had been a very difficult crossing.

Some of the crew of Calypso had gotten friendly with pelicans.

Chatter is recorded live before a studio audience.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here where we need ya.

Yeah, we tease him a lot. Cause we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

Nobody trusts me. Nobody's ever trusted me my whole life.

Even my father didn't trust me.

That's not true.

Then how come I had to give him a receipt for my allowance?

I trust you.

You're supposed to.

We're married.

Comes with the deal.

I know.

I remember the vows we wrote for our wedding. To love, honor, and trust.

Right. And I remember my father told you to ask for a receipt.

I know. I still have it.

Oh.

That's my father. Tell him the receipt for my birthday present is in the mail.

Hello?

Oh, yeah, hold on. Honey, it's Boom Boom.

Boom Boom who?

How many Boom Booms do you know?

Freddy Boom Boom?

It's shaking fine. How's it shaking with you?

Good.

Don't, no, hey, don't worry. Look, you can trust me.

You can trust me.

Okay, bye.

Freddie Washington and Bernie G. Williams are coming right over here.

problem they want to talk about.

Put on your rope. They said they'll be right over.

I wonder what took them so long.

Quick, shut the door. I don't want nobody to see me.

late show.

It's midnight, sweetheart.

Did you bring a falcon?

What?

Maltese falcon.

Where?

Never mind. Barbarino, what are you doing here?

Mr. Cotton, I gotta talk to you. But you gotta promise not to tell anybody.

My lips are sealed.

It's about Freddie and Verna Jean.

They're quitting school to get married.

What? And they don't even have to.

You gotta do something.

Right now, I gotta answer the door.

I don't want nobody to know that I'm talking to a teacher. You gotta hide me.

Quick, into the bathroom. All right.

Quick, shut the door. I don't want anybody to see me.

Mr. Carter, I gotta talk to you.

Oh, Julie, what do you know? There's a late, late show. How's the double

tonight?

and Verna Jean, they want to get married and you've got to stop it.

I'll hide in the bathroom.

You better not.

Vinnie's hiding in the bathroom.

That's okay.

Close the door.

I don't want nobody to see me here.

I certainly don't blame you. You look ridiculous.

Hey, Freddie and Verna Jean want to get married.

Oh, really?

Hear that, Julie?

And you want Mr. Carter to stop him? No.

Hey, look, I don't know.

I mean, like, it ought to be up to them, you know? Like, everybody's been

messing with their head. You got to get people to leave him alone.

Hey. I got to answer the door. I don't want nobody to see me here. I'm going to

hide in the bathroom. No, no, no, no, no. You hide in the closet.

I can't stop a wedding. I don't want you to stop the wedding. I think it's very

romantic. I want you to stop Vinny from stopping the wedding.

Hey!

You got somebody in the bathroom?

The tidy bowl man.

I've got to hide me.

No, I'll go in a fire escape, but then it's the Empire State Building.

Washington, what are we going to do?

I think we're going to look for a bigger apartment.

Hi.

How are you doing?

Maybe we came at a bad time.

No, we were just spending a quiet evening at home.

Please, sit down. Hey, look, thanks for letting us fall by, Mr. and Mrs. Carter.

appreciate this.

So, anything new?

Vernon Jean and me, we're getting married, and don't try to talk us out of

Can I ask you why you're getting married?

Vernon Jean's family's moving to Staten Island.

So? I mean, it's not like Staten Island's on another planet.

I can see you ain't never been to Staten Island.

Look, man.

Anyway, Vernon Jean's daddy and me, we don't exactly see eye to eye.

Yeah, we're not even supposed to see each other.

Which is kind of hard sitting in the same classroom.

So, um, we getting married.

You know, marriage is a very big step.

I mean, do you really think that you're ready?

Yeah, we're ready. I mean,

we're in love, and that's enough.

I don't know if it is, Freddy. I mean, I am speaking as an experienced married

person, and marriage is not all a bowl of cherries.

an example, okay?

A wife buys a shirt for her husband.

It's not an attractive shirt.

I mean, he feels like a fool walking around in that shirt, right?

But he wears it because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings.

Gabe, you told me you love that shirt.

Julie, this is a hypothetical situation.

I am not referring to this shirt.

That is a $25 shirt.

And... Answer the question.

I hate the shirt.

What else have you lied about?

That's it. Nothing else.

Your tuna casserole.

You love my tuna casserole.

No, you love your tuna casserole.

Nobody puts prunes in a tuna casserole.

both know what y 'all doing.

You do?

Mm -hmm.

Yeah, you're fighting in front of us so we won't get married, right?

We are?

Of course!

But any fool can see that y 'all really love each other and you only play after.

Right.

Right!

What was that?

Mice.

Well, anyway, we came over to ask you to do us a favor.

If you could give us our wedding present in advance.

Yeah, um, could you tell our parent?

Why don't I give you a toaster instead?

You can write your announcement on an English muffin.

Hey, look, no problem, baby.

We just won't tell our folks.

Conning the judge ain't no big thing.

Sure, I mean, go ahead, con a judge. There's a lot of stupid things you could

do, Freddy. I mean, you could lie about your age and run off to Maryland because

there's no waiting for you. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Maryland!

That's it, baby. We can go up to Mallory and lie about it. We ain't got to wait

in Mallory. Oh, wow. Thank you, Mallory. Thank you, man.

Hey, Mr. Carter, you are a super dude.

big help you were. Now they're getting married for sure.

You're not our friend. You're nothing but a teacher.

Why can't I be your teacher and your friend? It don't work that way, Carter.

You see, in this vast universe of ours, people are divided into two groups.

Us and them.

You're them.

We gotta go. Come on.

Yesterday we had a problem because nobody trusted anybody.

Well, that's the way of the world.

Barbarino, trust is a two -way street.

Do you trust us?

Epstein, Barbarino, Washington, and Horshack.

Come over here with me.

Shazam!

we was going to catch you.

It's the point, Barbarino. I trusted you.

I knew that you guys weren't going to let me fall on my face.

Okay, sit down.

That is very impressive, Mr. Carter.

Where'd you learn to do that?

From the person I trust most in the world.

From my wife.

You mean every day you go home, you and Mrs. Carter call up the furniture at

each other?

This is an object lesson, Epstein.

The trust between a husband and a wife is the strongest kind of trust there is.

You know, we spend a lot of time in this school teaching you about math, about

English, about science.

But we don't teach you about being married.

Something that eventually most of you are going to do.

So today I've decided to have a class on how to be married.

You can't learn marriage in the classroom, Mr. Cotter. You've got to

on the streets.

Okay, well, I am taking it off the streets and putting it into the

All right?

I'm going to act out a whole marriage in one homeroom period. That's my kind of

course. Not much thinking and plenty of action.

Okay, now, Verna Jean and Freddy, you're planning to run off to Maryland to tie

the knot, so you can play the lead.

All right.

What do you want us to do?

Just improvise. You say whatever comes into your head.

React to the moment.

Well, I ain't playing.

I ain't going to contribute to the delinquency of a minor.

Me neither.

I mean, you just gave Verne Jean the lead. And even though you are my

dearest friend, I do not play supporting roles.

Well, I'll play Mr.

Carter. Don't you need somebody to marry him?

Okay, Epstein, you marry him.

I've decided you're against this marriage.

I am?

Yes.

Okay.

Hey,

man, that's a pretty good tune, but what does that mean?

I don't know, but it's on the charts in Israel.

Anybody got a wine glass on them?

No. I got a thermos. Would that help? It'll do in a pinch.

Mr. Fiddler, would you mind coming off the roof?

Finish the ceremony.

By the power invested in me by Mr. Carter, I now pronounce you man and

Mazel tov.

Who are you calling a mazel tov?

Freddy, he just wished you good luck.

If he says anything bad, I'll let you know.

Aren't you forgetting something?

This is a ten -minute marriage. Your five -second honeymoon just about right.

Now it's time to have children.

What? Wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.

I wasn't planning to have no kids right away.

Well, you know, accidents do happen.

I think I was an accident.

Okay, Arnold, you come up here. You play Verne G's and Freddie's accident.

Okay.

I'm sorry, Vinnie.

But a man's got to do what a man's got to do.

He ain't exactly what I had in mind.

Okay, now the three of you at home, in your one -room apartment, when all of a

sudden you get a visit from an unexpected guest.

I play the unexpected guest.

Okay.

and 12 years behind.

Man, I thought you paid the rent.

Don't worry, baby. I'm going to handle the whole thing.

Hi there.

I've had a few business setbacks, you know, a couple of bad investments, and,

um...

Your time is up.

That's the ugliest baby I ever saw in my life.

Why don't you go ahead and pay the man? He's upsetting my child.

Don't bug me, woman.

No rent is still too much rent for this flea bag.

You tell him, puff.

You yell at him. It ain't his fault you can't support us.

Okay, then whose fault is it?

If we hadn't gotten married, I wouldn't have to quit school.

Oh, look, it ain't my fault that I got pregnant.

I don't know why we got married in the first place.

Because I didn't want you going off meeting new guys. That's why.

And going off with those Staten Island dudes. That's why.

I don't want to play.

Freddy.

Man, I promise to be true to you.

Don't you trust me?

I don't believe this.

I mean, I'm worried about you guys trusting me.

You don't even trust each other.

I think I just became an orphan.

Mr. Carter. You know, I'm also available for bris and bar mitzvahs.

Hey, nice going.

The way you broke up that marriage was very sneaky.

I like that in a person.

Thanks a lot, Vinnie. I think you're sneaky, too.

Freddie, Freddie, wait a second.

I mean, I don't understand something.

Why don't you tell Bernard Jean the way you felt before?

Um, Hey, I couldn't, man.

It's just not cool to tell someone you're afraid of losing them.

Hey, Freddie.

Man, you wouldn't lose me.

I wouldn't?

Mm -mm.

You mean we don't have to get married now?

Well, I'll take a rain check.

Come on.

Hey, think.

snaps when you least expect, doesn't it, Carter?

I got through to them, Mr. Woodman. I got through to them.

Pure luck, Carter.

It'll never happen again.

You can't discourage me, Mr. Woodman. Nothing you can say will make me go off

with Jacques Cousteau.

I am invincible.

I am teacher.

You are nuts.

Don't be fooled by a momentary victory, Carter.

The world is divided into two parts, us and them.

They're them.

Come to think of it, you're them, too.

Yeah? Well, thank you.

That's the nicest remark I've ever heard.

Did I ever tell you that the Cotter family has been in outer space?

No, but you will.

I am serious.

My uncle Buzz Cotter was an astronaut.

They sent him into outer space with a monkey.

Very exciting. I mean, five minutes after takeoff, a red light flashes on,

the monkey to activate the rockets and make sure there's plenty of oxygen in

capsule. Well, what did Uncle Buzz do?

I'm getting to him. I'm getting to him, okay? And now we'll leave.

green light flashes, tells the monkey to check all temperature gauges.

Then, about five minutes later, Uncle Buzz's red light flashes.

And what did Uncle Buzz's red light tell him to do?

Feed the monkey.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya?

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here where we need ya.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Yeah, we tease him a lot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Because we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Yeah, we tease him a lot. Because we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back.