Original subtitles

How's it going, honey?

Great. The kids are writing little compositions about their parents.

Oh. Did I ever tell you when I was young I always thought I was adopted?

No.

Really? My parents never said anything. So one day I decided to just go up and

ask. Good for you.

The day I graduated from Buchanan, I went right up to my father, had my

in my hand. I looked him straight in the eye.

I said, Ling Chao.

I said, was I adopted?

He said, no, you know what I've did.

You went in.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here where we need ya. Yeah, we tease him a lot. Cause

got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Vote for Vinnie.

Barbarino for president.

That's my man.

Barbarino for president.

Hey.

Hey.

Perhaps you didn't hear me, huh?

I said Barbarino for president.

Now, I want you to be wearing that when I see you, six period, eh?

Oh, uh, Carter.

Carter, uh, I don't believe this, but I understand one of you sweat hogs, one of

you remedial academics is, uh, is, uh, running for student body president.

It's okay, Mr. Woodman, you can use the word.

Sweat hog is a term of affection and endearment.

Well, since one of your sweat hogs has decided to run, I think you better have

copy of the campaign regulations.

I suggest you have your group memorize them. They might chant them every

morning. Hey, what's the big deal? Vinnie's not the first sweat hog who

ran. No, that's right.

Back in 1962, Jerry Slater was disqualified for stuffing the ballot box

opponent.

Well, don't worry about Vinnie, Mr. Woodman. You just make sure the other

candidates follow the rules.

Carter, the other candidates happen to be Scott Phillips and Judy Borden.

Scott, as you know, is captain of the debating team.

Judy is a straight -A student. She started the Committee for Students'

Oh, she started that?

Nobody's perfect, Carter.

You're really an enlightened educator, Mr. Woodman. It's too bad you didn't

at Boys Town.

You could have kept Mickey Rooney after school for being short.

Do you know the thought of Mickey Rooney as being short?

Be a clock. Vote for Scott.

I didn't know you was running for president, Scott.

Ain't you gonna vote for Vinnie?

Hey,

what do you think, Mr. Cotter?

I don't know. I haven't seen that many teaspoons. Jaws.

Hey, Vinnie.

If you're president, I'll be first lady.

Ain't no way. And don't get carried away.

Remember, a woman's place is in the car.

Sorry I'm late, Mr. Carter, but a campaign manager's work is never done. I

busy beating up the vote.

That's getting out the vote. Voters who are beat up cannot get out the vote,

right? Yeah, that's what I meant. Get out.

Okay, now the idea, the principle behind an election is to show you how our

system works.

Now, what would you all want to do if this was a real presidential campaign?

Not get caught.

Me as your presidential press secretary.

Frederick Scoop Scoop Washington.

Okay, here we are, Washington.

You got the spirit now. Let's see what kind of press secretary you'd make. No

comment.

Just practicing. Go ahead.

What is Barbarino's position on student dress codes?

Well, I'll say this about that.

Mr. Barbarino has been studying the matter on student dress codes very

and definitely believes that students should be dressed.

What about student vandalism? Vandals should be dressed, too.

Can you please answer the question? What question?

The question I just asked you. What was that?

I don't know. I forgot.

It's okay, Mr.

Cutter. It happens to me all the time.

I raise my hand and I forget what I was going to say.

Maybe you was going to ask to leave the room.

I'm the teacher, Arnold. I don't have to ask.

Yeah, right.

Okay, Barbarina, what... But if you have to...

room, it's okay with me anyway.

I'll try to remember that, Arnold.

Okay. Can I continue now? No, get ahead, get ahead.

Okay, Barbarino, you got yourself a press secretary, now you need a cabinet.

What for, Mr. Carter? He's already got a locker.

nice soft cabinet job for me, like Secretary of Fears or something like

You're already my campaign manager and my right -hand man. Hey, what about me?

Could I be one of your fingers?

Sure. Pick one.

Oh, wait. I'll make it easier. I'll mix them up.

You see, Mr. Carter, when I'm elected, my people get anything they want. Even

you. Maybe I could get you promoted to a better class.

I appreciate the thought, Vinnie, but you're going about this all wrong.

Look, if you want to win, what you need is a platform.

Oh, I already got a platform.

I'm a law and order candidate.

I make the laws and... I keep the order.

This is an election. This is not a military takeover.

You're going about this all wrong. Come on, come on. Vote for Vinnie and nobody

gets hurt?

A secretary of fear?

Look, why do you guys think a sweat hog has never been elected president before?

Because nobody likes it.

No, because nobody has ever shown the positive side of being a sweat hog.

Now look who you're running against. Scott Phillips and Judy Borden. Huh?

Judy Borden?

She's so...

She is so fat.

How fat is she?

She's so fat that last year she ran for homecoming queen and was elected the

float.

Come on, Vinnie. What about Scott Phillips, huh? Most popular kid in

Straight -A student.

You want to beat a guy like Scott, you got to project something different.

Like what?

I don't know. Remember, it's all image.

Watch me.

Hi there.

My name is Vinnie Barbarino.

Dynamic young man on the move. And remember, on election day, I want your

support. Vin is him.

Oh.

You see where I'm going, Vinnie? Yeah.

Off the deep end.

out there, talk to people, listen to their problems.

Hi there.

I'm Vinnie Barbarino, dynamic young man on the move. And, uh, hi there to you.

I'm F. Boom Boom Washington, dynamic ghetto dweller.

Standing still.

Okay, guys.

Let's get serious.

You gotta make people who have never met you want to vote for you.

This is more than just a school assembly.

Pretend it's a big presidential campaign with the conventions.

You know, you've seen a convention on TV.

Hey, sure, man. That's what 8 ,000 turkeys put on funny hats, sit on bridge

chairs, and vote for the dude with the most balloons.

Not quite, Washington.

It's really democracy in action.

This is how it goes.

Will the convention please come to order?

Thank you.

Hi there.

I'm Ben Barbarino.

And I'm running for the office of student body president.

If he likes it, I promise less homework.

Now, how are you going to keep a promise like less homework?

If I'm elected, I'm going to do less homework.

Okay.

Sit down, Barbarino.

All right, now, you got to say things that the people are going to believe.

You got to make it like you have a vision for a better Buchanan.

Like you maybe have a great dream.

Oh, I have great dreams sometimes.

Terrific, Warshak.

Barbarino, if we want to win, we got to... Hey, what is this we stuff?

I thought I was the guy who was running.

You are, but if you want to win, you just got to do things the right way.

to help you. Now, when you do your speech tomorrow, you got to look really

I got this great navy blue turtleneck sweater. It's got a little alligator on

the pocket. I don't want your image. I don't want your sweater. And I don't

your alligator.

Look,

I don't want to turn into somebody else. I like me. And if me isn't good enough

to be president, I don't want to be president.

I withdraw.

You run. You're the one with the alligator.

Hi, Mr. Carter.

Hiya, Judy Scott.

What's happening?

Mr. Carter, you can tell Barbarino and Epstein that Judy and I are withdrawing

from the election.

So would you mind telling Horshack to stop calling me up and breathing into

phone?

Hey, thanks for coming in early, guys.

So this is the faculty lounge, huh?

Sort of the way I expected it to be, you know?

Duh.

Hey, what do you teachers do here? Play show and tell?

No, for fun, Epstein, we just sit around and laugh at your test papers.

Vinnie, look at this. Look at this here.

Instant bouillon cubes, instant soup, instant broth.

None of this stuff is real.

Don't you know about teachers, Epstein?

We're not boring. You just add hot water and stir.

Barbarino?

Is he mad at me? He ain't talking.

Come on, Vinnie.

Let's talk it out.

Hey, I know that look and he ain't talking.

If you want to talk to him, you talk to me. Then I'll talk to him, then he'll

talk to me, then I'll talk to you. Simple.

Vinnie!

Hello?

Hello?

Tell him because I blew it, there's no reason he should blow it too.

Vinnie, he says you're blowing it.

He said... Well,

what does he mean by that?

Vinnie, what do you mean by that?

I don't know. When my grandmother gets mad at me, she talks that way. When his

grandmother gets mad at him, she talks that way.

Okay, you tell him that my grandmother has a message for his grandmother. His

grandmother has a message for your grandmother.

What is it? What is it?

What does that mean?

Well, tell him it means that because he's bugged at me, there's no reason to

cheat the sweat hogs out of their first possible victory.

You're cheating us, man.

And tell him I have more faith in him. Tell him I thought he was a leader. So

did I.

And tell him this is no time to cop out on his friends. That's rotten, Vinnie.

Rotten. You don't deserve to be president. You know that.

That's it. I'm going to run for president. We don't need you.

You?

F -beam. You're my best friend, and even I'd have trouble voting for a person

like you.

Only quick because Mr. Carter was making me run with a phony image.

You're right, Vinnie.

Let me tell you guys a story.

When I went to Buchanan, I wanted to be the student body president more than

anything in the world. But nobody gave me any inspiration.

They didn't believe a sweat hog could do anything.

Vinnie, I just didn't follow through.

But you've got to follow through. Come on. No, wait a second, Epstein. What

you're trying to say is that I ought to run as Vinnie Barbarino, all sweat hog

and proud of it, right? That's right.

Which reminds me, Epstein, for some strange reason, Scott Phillips and Judy

Borden have decided to withdraw from the race.

Imagine that.

I didn't tell anybody he couldn't run.

I just told Scott if he got elected, he'd lose use of his face.

I didn't think he was going to take me seriously.

Well, you know, people are funny that way. They get annoyed when you threaten

their faces.

You mean I'm already president?

Well, that depends.

On what?

On whether you're willing to win by scaring people out of an election?

You want that kind of a hollow, unsatisfying victory?

Hey, man, do you really want to win that way?

Yeah.

If they want to quit, that's their decision.

The only thing is, I think maybe you helped them decide, Epstein. No, I

going to follow through, really.

That's just my way.

Hey, you're not the only one with a story, Carter. This is the Naked City,

There's eight million stories out there, and I got one, too.

You think it's easy being a Puerto Rican Jew?

You think it's easy growing up in a house with nine other Puerto Rican Jews?

Half my brothers were out stealing pants. The other half were altering

I mean, like, I had to threaten people just to get into the bathroom.

What do you think you're talking to, Epstein? When I was a kid, we didn't

bathroom. We had to use a Texaco station across the street.

It wasn't bad if you made the light.

Get the point, Epstein. You're not the only one that's poor.

It doesn't give you the right to go around and threaten people.

All right, all right. So what are we supposed to do now?

I don't know. I've just invited Scott and Judy here for a little talk. You're

butting in again, man.

No, I'm leaving. It's up to you. Whatever you decide is okay with me. I

guarantee them a little what you call diplomatic immunity.

What does that mean?

It means their dental patterns are going to remain unchanged.

All right, all right. Soon we'll talk to them.

Okay. I'll see you guys later.

Right. And I'll see Scott and Judy later, too, huh?

What do you think?

I think maybe he's right.

I mean, it's kind of like going to fight a guy and then when you get there, he's

already beat up.

the victory party till we find out who won the election. What are you talking

about, Mr. Carter? Vinny's got it locked up. Mr. Carter, you were so right.

I mean, without Scott running, it would have been a hollow victory.

I feel... I feel like this is just the beginning.

Today, Buchanan.

Tomorrow, who knows? All right.

Governor Bobberine.

Senator Bobberine.

Emperor Bobberine.

You know, Julius Caesar was an Italian.

If you'll get on your chariot and go back to your chair, we'll have time to

attendance. We have a minute left.

Barbarino is here.

Cavanaugh is here.

Uh -oh.

Street time.

Morning, Mr. Cutter. Mr. Woodman.

Morning, students.

Well, this is the moment we've all been waiting for. Gee, I'm sorry to hear

you're leaving, Mr. Woodman.

Results of the student election, Mr. Carter?

Very neat, very neat, very neat, very neat.

Who is that boy?

That's Arnold Horschak.

Strange.

I have a couple of announcements.

The Pledge of Allegiance is canceled today. I would appreciate very much the

return of the flag.

And now the election results.

I am very happy to announce that the new student body

president of Buchanan is Scott Phillips.

And for all of you who worked so hard and fought so dirty and didn't

win.

results, Mr. Carter.

Have a good day, children.

I'm gonna get them for what they did, Vinnie.

I'm gonna get them for what they did, Vinnie.

You

did

the best that you could. Hey, come here.

Look at these results.

Judy Borden, 11 votes, huh?

Vinnie...

Barbarino, 47 votes.

Scott Phillips, 322.

You really know how to cheer a guy up, don't you?

Hey, that means that 39 sweat hogs voted for you. You got through to them.

I did?

Right. There was something in you that they responded to.

Maybe it was my personality.

Maybe it was.

Maybe if I run next year, I could pick up a couple of 10, 20 votes, you know?

Who knows if I stay in school long enough.

I wonder if the President of the United States has to be a high school graduate.

I lost.

Well, how could you lose? You weren't even running.

Well, how come I feel like I lost?

Because you were butting in again, Carter.

And now, from the great state of yesterday, memory nominates the oldest

hog, Gabe Carter.

Welcome, darling.

What

do

you call that stuff?

You heard of Chicken Cacciatore?

Well, this is an old family delicacy. It's called Chicken Cotatory.

You just made that up.

Would I do a thing like that?

Yeah. You're right.

This was handed down from generation to generation.

Really? How far back?

Well, it goes all the way back to my great ancestor, caveman Zork Cotter, who

incidentally invented the chicken.

Really?

Then he invented garbage.

was recorded live on tape before a studio audience.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around, but those dreams have

remained and they've turned around.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

Yeah, we tease him a lot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Because we got him on the spot.

We got him on the spot. Welcome back.