Original subtitles

You know, honey, coming back to the old neighborhood brings back a lot of

memories. I remember when I was about nine years old, this big bully, Tommy

O'Shaughnessy, would pick on me every day.

Oh, honey.

I told my father, and he said, son, a bully's nothing but a coward.

You go up to him tomorrow, and you tell him he's a coward. And I guarantee he'll

never pick on you again.

Good for him.

Next day, I went up to Tommy. I said, look, my father explained to me, you're

coward. So if you don't bother me anymore, I won't tell anybody you're a

You know what he did?

No. What did he do?

Got on his bike, rode away, went to my house, and beat up my father.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya?

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya. We tease him a lot cause we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back, welcome back.

Gabe, are you awake?

No, I'm asleep.

Come on.

It's time to get up for school.

There's a test today. I don't want to go to school today.

Honey, you're a teacher now.

You don't have to take tests anymore.

You give them.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you're sore from playing ball yesterday, aren't you,

honey? No, I'm not.

Well, then what was that noise you just made?

What noise?

I have never heard you make that noise before.

I don't believe it.

That noise, that's my father's noise.

That's the noise my father makes when he gets up in the morning.

But he didn't start to make that noise until he was 40.

I'm too young to be making my father's noise.

You'll feel better. Shh.

I always hated that noise. I couldn't stand it when he started to make that

noise. But he was 40 before... Oh, my God.

What's wrong?

This is my father's walk.

I ain't got to do nothing but... Shoe baskets.

I bet you're going to need a manager, right? Yeah, I'm way ahead of you, baby.

All right, all right. Now, first, first I negotiate your college scholarship.

Right, right.

And then after college, we sign a fat contract with the New York News.

Fringe benefits, commercials.

Hey, are you ready for that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm ready for that.

All right, let's do one.

fellatio fifth avenue mansion about to have another generous helping of my

famous past ready french fried chicken fingers the finger chicken

good you'll be up to your fro and dough oh and

groupies they'll be crawling all over yeah i never thought about groupies huh

maybe i should try out for the team huh hey epstein you too short oh yeah i'll

lie about my height

What is this, the Flying Melendez?

Okay, as you know, we

are having an exam today, which explains this green bucket over here in my right

hand.

Epstein and Barbarino, please roll up your sleeves.

What for?

Hey, come on, it's against the Constitution.

What do you think, this is democracy here?

Hey, good boy, Epstein.

Look, there's nothing, nothing.

How about this one? What?

This one. Where?

Under there. Roll it up.

What, this?

Let's see it. Come on.

First Constitutional Congress of Philadelphia.

Declaration of Independence, 1776.

Benjamin Franklin, electricity.

Evelyn, 434 -1598.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Leave Evelyn's phone number.

Okay, now the information is in our heads, and only in our heads.

Arnold, please distribute the exam.

Oh, sure, Mr. Cotter.

Arnold.

Where are you going?

I'm going to distribute the test.

Distribute them in here, Arnold.

that the English language is a very precise tool.

And you really ought to learn how to use it.

Give me the paper.

Okay.

Okay,

now keep them turned over until I tell you to begin.

Hey, Freddy's got some great news, Mr. Carter. I've got to tell him. Oh, yeah,

Mr. Carter.

I made the basketball team first.

Congratulations,

Freddie. What are you going to play? Forward?

No. Star.

You were looking at Mr.

Versatility. I mean, I got the moves of Walt Frazier and the finesse of Kareem

Abdul -Jabbar. All right.

You also got the modesty of Muhammad Ali.

you may not be as good as you think you are. So if you are the best, you ain't

gonna play unless you pass the test.

Um, Allie, if you got it, learn it.

And if you ain't got it, you're horse shocked.

I was a pretty fair basketball player when I went to school here. You?

You?

Why is that so hard to believe?

It's your body.

My body? What's wrong with my body? I am in perfect physical condition.

It's just not a basketball body.

Now, look. Hey, Freddy, stand up.

Now, this. This is a basketball body. This is a body for running.

And for jumping.

And this.

This is a body for sitting.

And spreading.

It's simple.

Basketball. Basket case.

Okay, that's worth the stalling. We got a test to take today, and I really hope

you've all prepared.

Mr. Carter, I got a medical note.

Epstein has got another note.

To prize, to prize. Okay, Epstein, let's see this one.

Epstein, is something wrong with your arm?

Yeah, could you get the note for me?

Certainly.

Dear Mr. Carter, Juan will not be able to write today's exam because of

his bursitis.

Signed, Epstein's mother.

Epstein, did you write this note?

Oh, no, no, no. Uh, yeah.

I had to write it for my mother because her bursitis is a lot worse than mine.

Sit down.

Okay, any more notes?

Excuses?

Diseases?

Religious conflicts?

Okay, now turn your papers over.

You have 30 minutes. minutes. If you get stuck on one question, forget about it.

Go on to the next one.

All right.

Begin.

Barbarino. What? What?

What?

Your trouser leg. Roll it up.

What did you have in mind?

Skin condition.

Skin condition.

Oh, yes.

Looks to me like mogo on the go -go.

A very serious disease for which there are no symptoms.

Fortunately, medical science has come up with a cure.

Lucky I caught it in its early stages.

Mogo on the go -go.

Okay, you got a minute left.

I'm drawing pictures on your paper.

Who is this?

Hey, that's super still, man.

Faster than a speeding forward. More powerful than a double layup.

You're taking the wrong exam. Do I look like Miss Fishbeck, the art teacher?

Only around the mustache.

I need a test on my desk. Washington, I want to see you.

Well, you don't have to write that exam.

He's on the team. What means he passes?

It's a fact of life. Fish, you gotta swim. Birds, you gotta fly.

Varsity athletes gotta pass.

It's a Buchanan tradition.

Well, you know that I just love to break traditions.

Aw, man, look. Athletes gotta pass or they don't play.

There used to be this quarterback, Moose Nolan. He had to write an essay on his

favorite fictional character.

Handed in seven blank pages.

Well, maybe his favorite fictional character was the Invisible Man.

But he passed.

Because he was on the team. It's the way it is, Mr. Carter.

That's the way it was, Mr.

Barbarino.

Nobody passes in my class unless they earn it.

Freddy, come back after your last class. You'll take a makeup test. Nah, no

deal. Let's go.

You're not going to come back, Freddy? No, I'm not coming back.

You used to play basketball, didn't you?

That's right.

Why have you changed?

I haven't changed.

And I can still play basketball.

Here comes Carter, dribbling down court. He's going to have his famous behind

-the -back hook shot. There it goes.

Carter,

you know, we're surprised that you would give an unfair test that a bright boy

like Washington couldn't pass.

What are you talking about, unfair?

Well, let's look at the test.

Here, number three.

When was the Declaration of Independence signed?

That's a trick question.

What are you talking about? The answer is 1776.

Carter, I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not a happy person.

A winning team might make me happier.

Not happy, but happier.

Come on, A.

We're a good school spirit.

We can't win this season without Washington.

Look, Freddie Washington is more important to me than a winning

season. And I'm not going to do him any good by giving him a free ride.

You're right, he's a bright kid, and he could have passed.

The thing is, he didn't even try.

Somewhere, from someone, he got the idea that being on the team is an automatic

pass.

You said yourself caught her. You said he could have passed.

That's right.

Why don't you give him the benefit of the doubt?

For the teen chicky baby.

For Buchanan.

For my job.

I have finished grading your exams, and as usual, it was an amazing experience.

How did Washington do?

Well, Freddie didn't pass.

But he did make the bulletin board.

Okay, moving right along.

Morris.

Ralph.

Vinnie.

Epstein. You got 65.

You actually got 63, but I gave you two points for working under the influence

of Brasidas.

You passed, Juan.

Come on, let's hear it for Epstein.

What is this, all quiet on a homeroom front?

A very pleasant change from the usual mouth -to -mouth combat we have here.

Hey, you know what's bugging us?

You want conversation, we'll talk your ear off. All you gotta do is pass

Yeah. No.

Why not?

First of all, it wouldn't be fair to the rest of you.

Why should Freddy get special treatment? Because he is special. He's gonna be

the school's ace basketball player.

No more special than you, Epstein.

You're the school's ace menace to society.

talk about this anymore.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. I got something to say.

Now, I didn't want to resort to this, Mr. Carter, but you leave me no choice.

Let's talk money.

Barbarino, are you offering me a bribe?

No.

I'm offering you a percentage of my percentage.

Now, look, my client here is going to be a million dollar property.

You are offering me a bribe.

No.

I'm trying to say it's like incentive, creative motivation.

It's bribery, Barbarino.

So it's bribery.

Look, what I'm trying to say is you scratch my back, I scratch yours.

I can't do that. You see, my wife has an exclusive on my entire body.

She'd be disturbed if I came home tonight with a free scratch back.

Is that your final answer?

Sorry.

You're a crummy businessman, Mr. Cotter. Crummy.

You didn't get your test, pick it up.

Hey, what's your angle, Mr. Cotter?

I don't have an angle, Freddy. I happen to think that your education is more

important than basketball. Nah, man, look, man, my whole future is right now.

Listen, you're blowing everything for me, man. A chance at a scholarship, I

don't know, the pros, rookie of the year. I mean, I don't need no education

that, man.

What makes you so sure you're going to make the pros?

You know, you remind me a lot of Joe Franklin. Oh, wow, man. I don't know no

Franklin, dude.

You never heard of Joe Franklin?

He was a sweetheart.

Sat right over here ten years ago.

Another big basketball player.

My name is Joe Franklin, baby.

I got me a college scholarship.

Fixed me up a lot of easy classes.

Hair comb.

graduated from college and he didn't make the pros either. So he wound up

no basketball career, no education, no nothing.

So what happened to him?

His father died and left him a chain of laundromats.

Today he's worth about six million dollars.

But he's still stupid.

I don't care.

About no Joe Franklin. Do you understand me? I just know me. And this is one cat

that ain't gonna stop packing. Do you get what I'm saying?

Because I'm good, man. I'm good.

Face it, Washington.

You're not that good.

There are guys right here in Buchanan who are better than you. Like who?

Who? Who? Who? Who?

Me.

You?

Hey, man, you better stay away from that blackboard. I think you must have

sniffed too much of that chalk dust.

Hey, I'm serious, Freddy.

Basketball is my game. And I'm challenging you. One -on -one. Just you,

the basketball.

Hey, Mr. Cotter, I mean, you're out of shape, man. Dig yourself, man. If you

a building, you'd be condemned.

315 today, 20 -point game.

Okay, Mr.

Kamikaze.

Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?

20 bucks a day, I'll win.

Hey, you know I'm not going to play you for money.

Hey, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

If I win, you take the makeup test.

And if I win, you pass me.

I can't do that. Hey, you can do anything, man. You're the teacher.

You got a bet.

You pass me.

If you win.

Would you mind putting that in writing?

What for? My word is good.

I know that, but you see, it's your heart I'm worried about.

I mean...

Who's going to pass me if you don't live through the game?

Okay.

I think he's delirious.

I hope the school's insurance covers this.

Tiki Baby, as the physical education teacher, can I give you my professional

advice?

You don't look so hot.

What were you trying to prove out there, Carter?

Nothing, nothing.

Freddy and I were just having a little friendly basketball game.

To the death.

Anyway, he's on the team. I'm passing him. You are?

You what?

Is he out of here?

Yes, he's on the couch lying in state.

Hey, you mind if I talk to him alone for a minute?

Not at all, but you better hurry. I don't think he has much more time.

Hi there.

Least you could do is sweat.

I'm ready to take that makeup test if you still want me to.

Hey, I'm no Welcher.

You win.

You beat me 20 to 16, you pass.

Nah, man, that was no beating, man. You scored 16 points off of me. I mean, you.

I mean, you're almost twice my age, man.

I mean, you're old enough to be my... Older cousin.

Look, I've been thinking.

Maybe I don't have that contract all sewn up with the Knicks yet, but I just

think I better be covering all my bases.

I think that's a smart move, Freddy.

You know, man, you're something else.

I mean, you really surprised me down there today.

Yeah. Yeah, you still play pretty good. You still got it.

Yeah, I got it.

But I can't get it off the couch.

How do you like my new hat?

I like it.

I like you in hats.

Thanks.

How come you never wear hats?

When I was young, I always thought my head was too big.

Too big for what?

For the rest of my body.

All the kids in school called me Big Head.

That's terrible.

One day I came home crying.

I told my mother, everybody in school is calling me Big Head, Big Head, Big

Head. What should I do?

She said, don't pay any attention to those mean children.

And to get my mind off it, she sent me to the store.

Well, that was a good idea.

Yeah. She said, get a watermelon, a dozen eggs, a loaf of bread, a container

milk. I said, Ma, what am I going to carry that in?

She said, why don't you use your hat?

Welcome back

Your

dreams were your ticket out Welcome back

To that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya?

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya. Yeah, we tease him a lot. Cause we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome

back.