All language subtitles for Watch Just Looking (1999) - Free Movies - Tubi

[Lenny] When I was
nine years old

my mother gave me some money
to put in the charity box,

at Hebrew School.

On the way

I passed the bakery with crisp
cookies in the window.

I'm dying to buy one but,

my mother would kill me.

So, I go to school

and put all the charity
money in the box.

On my way home,

I stop at the bakery

just to look.

And this guy dressed in a
Santa Claus suit

says, "Hi kid, you
like cookies?

I got a whole bag full."

And he gives them to me.

When I get home,

my mother sees the cookies

and she says,

"I gave you money for charity

and you buy Christmas food?"

I say, "No, somebody gave
them to me."

So she says, "Who?"

"Who gave you the cookies?"

And I say, "Santa Claus".

Well, she smacks me on the back
of the head

throws the cookies in
the garbage,

and sends me to bed.

The moral is, just because

a kid's story sounds hard
to believe

doesn't mean it never happened.

Okay?

Okay.

[background conversations]

Last year when my father died,

everybody in the neighborhood
came to pay their respects

to me and my mother.

One of them, Polinsky,

the fat and creepy butcher

had so much respect

that he kept coming back.

First, just for coffee,

then, he started paying

his respects by taking her
to a movie

or a Chinese restaurant.

A few months later they went
to a hotel in Catskills,

where he respected her for
the whole weekend.

[car horn blasts]

A couple of months after that

he married her and moved
in with us.

Which is more respect than
I could stand.

[children chattering]

My story starts at the
beginning of summer.

It was a real hot day

but I was pretty cool.

I was in the meat locker

thinking about my
favorite subject...

sex.

When I was so
rudely interrupted.

[Polinsky] Lenny?

Lenny Levine?

Now!

Yes Mr. Polinsky?

Do you think that a lovely
woman like Mrs. Edelberg, here

should have to schlep a three

pound brisket, plus a
whole bag of

groceries from [indistinct],

all the way home,
on a hot day?

I'll carry for her.

Really Mr. Polinsky,

it's not necessary

Oh, necessary, necessary?

Is it necessary for you to
walk past

Leviton's meat market just
to buy from me?

-Hmm? Hmm?
-[giggles]

You don't know how lucky you are
to have Mr. Polinsky

as your father, oh!

He's not my father.

Hmm, the man who puts food
in your belly

and clothes on your back,

doesn't have to be blood to be
considered a father.

And who paid off the caterer
for your bar mitzvah.

Deeds Lenny.
Deeds make a father.

Mrs. Edelberg talks your ear off

then she gives you a nectarine
for a tip,

but I didn't mind carrying
her groceries home.

It gave me a chance to get out
and take in the scenery.

Huh, believe me,

The Bronx has some lovely
scenery this time or year!

I cry my eyes out,

but it's worth it makes the
brisket.

Not like that watery crap
they--

Lenny? Are you listening?

You're always so engrossed,

what are you thinking about
that could be so engrossing?

Baseball.

Sex.

Have you ever noticed that
a lot of

things that aren't about sex,

remind you of sex?

Lately, everything I see
reminds me of sex.

And I haven't even seen
real sex.

Not yet.

[jazzy music]

Lenny...

look at this beautiful roast!

I don't want any roast Ma.

I don't understand.

I marry a butcher and suddenly
you're a vegetarian.

Is this my punishment Lenny?

Because if it is you're only
hurting yourself.

Jewish boys do not eat
just vegetables.

You're still growing, you need
your red meat.

[door opens]
Shh, he's here.

I don't want a scene at
the table.

What are you doing?

They are, they um got, got
locked together.

[laughs]

Go throw some cold water
on them.

So, Lenny, were you um,

charming to Mrs. Edelberg
this afternoon?

I told her she had a nice dress.

Oh, good boy, good boy.

That's the secret to a
successful business,

always flatter the ladies.

A wink, a smile, a compliment.

Ah Sylvia, you look
gorgeous tonight.

[kissing]

Ah, ok stop it.
Not in front on the boy.

[giggling]

It was disgusting.

But I was determined

I was going to see two
people doing it.

No matter what.

That night while my friends
were watching Uncle Miltie

I set out to watch my mother

hump Polinsky.

[drum roll]

[door creaks open]
Given the choice

the people I really wanted
to see doing it

were Roy Rudders and
Del Evans,

but, you've gotta be realistic.

What are the odds of
Roy and Del

spending a night in
The Bronx.

My Father always said,

"Make the best
of what you got."

The best I had that night,

was my mother and
the fat butcher.

[noises from the bedroom]

[Polinsky] Sylvia I'm
gonna finish.

[Sylvia] Okay. Okay.

[Polinsky] Are you ready?
Are you ready--

I couldn't believe it, I just

started and he's
already finishing.

[Polinsky]Oh Sylvia!

[handle rattles]
[Sylvia] Mr. What's that?

[Polinsky] What, what?
I didn't hear anything.

-[Sylvia] That noise!
-[Polinsky] It's me, it's

the bed. C'mon!

[Sylvia] That's not a
bed sound.

[Polinsky speaks indistinctly]

[Sylvia] I'll be right back.

[Polinsky] Where are you going?
Where are you going? Sylvia!

Sylvia! C'mon!

I was in the middle!

[Lenny] Oh shit!

[running footsteps]

[door shutting]

[Lenny] Ow!

Lenny, are you alright?

Yeah, I, I just fell out of bed.

You see? You see what happens
when you don't eat meat.

[anticipatory music]

[Polinsky opens the door]

Aw, aw, damn.

I guess I should be grateful
that it wasn't Roy and Del

that caught me.

They have guns.

[school bell ringing]
[giggling]

[school teacher] Okay, good.

Let's see. Myrna, what do you
hope to accomplish on

your summer vacation?

I'm going to Sleepwick Camp
in Maine and I'm going

to learn to water-ski.

[Martin] Rich bitch.

Martin Castman, do you have
anything to add?

Two and two is four
Mrs. Braverman.

-[giggling]
-[Martin] I can add that.

Martin, what do you hope to
accomplish over the summer?

This summer, Mrs. Braverman,
I wanna grow armpit hair.

[laughing]

Accomplish.

To successfully bring about
as a result of effort.

To achieve a goal.

You're at the age where
you should have goals.

Everybody take out paper
and penis.

Lenny.

Lenny? Take out paper and
pencil please.

I know, I know, it's the last
day of school

but I want you to write down

what you plan to accomplish
this summer.

I will give your answers to
Mr. Kilne,

and he we ask you to write
a paper next year

in ninth grade, on how you
achieved the goals

you set for yourself.

Think about it.

What do you want to accomplish
this summer?

Make it good.

[soft whimsical music]

What did you write?

I wanna see two people fucking.

[laughs] Mr. Kilne is a real
tough teacher.

I hope you spelt fucking right.

I didn't use those
words asshole.

I put, get this, I want to
witness an act of love.

I thought pussy plastered up
the keyhole?

You couldn't even witness an
act of ball scratching.

Well, there's a fire escape
outside the window,

there's mirrors, there's
millions of ways.

I'll figure it out.

I've got the whole summer.

What? What do you mean

I'm going to Aunt Norma and
Uncle Phil's house

for the summer?

I thought you'd be happy,
they have fresh air.

You can ride your bike without
a lot of cars around.

And plenty of vegetables.

Honey, darling your Aunt Norma
and Uncle Phil

got a beautiful home
in the country.

Ma, it's not the country,
it's Queens.

They have a backyard, trees.

I don't have any friends there.

You're a curious little fella,
you'll make friends,

besides, they need help
in the store.

Why? Why do they suddenly
need help?

Hey! Norma and Phil are
a nice couple.

They're a lot closer to your
age than your mother and me.

Go. Have a good summer.

I won't go and that's final.

[door slams]

[sighs]

[knock on door]

Shouldn't you be doing that
over some paper?

[sighs]

This is such a nice room.

I've always loved this room.

Lenny,

please don't do this for me...

do this for your father.

He is not my father.

No, I meant for pap.

Your real father.

You want me to go away for
the summer for pap?

He would want it.

He always wished he could
afford to send you

to camp or some place nice
for the summer.

A place with fresh air,
sunshine--

Provolone cheese.

You only have to work in
the deli a few hours a day.

Believe me, this will make
your father feel so good.

Ma, he's dead.

You know, this isn't even
about pap.

It's about that fat,
stupid butcher

he wants to get rid of me.

Honey.

Sweetheart.

Nobody wants to get rid of you.

You, me and Mort, we're
three people thrown together

in an apartment.

We need time to adjust.

Well fine, send Mort to Queens,

let him adjust.

[soft emotive music]

Please go.

Your Aunt Norma is family.

You're her only nephew,

she'll take very good
care of you.

What about Uncle Phil?

You said he's guinea
[indistinct]

who plays the horses.

You want me hanging
around him?

He's also a good provider
for my sister

and that's the part you'll
hang around.

And I never said guinea.

I said Italian.

He's an Italian yutz.

Aw.

I knew she meant well.

Plus, Norma and Phil just
got married so

there'll be plenty of screwing.

I decided to go.

My Aunt Norma was nice,

but by the time she turned 32,
the whole

family was betting that she
would wind up an old maid.

Thirty-two?

They must have thrown some
party when she got married.

No party.
He's not Jewish.

He's Italian Cath.

Seen those really
hairy Italians?

Yeah.

Yeah, I heard those guys
are real studs.

He's gonna bang her brains out
morning, noon and night.

You're gonna write some paper
for Mr. Kilne.

[car horn]

Lenny, okay?

Hello Aunt Norma.

Uh ha! I've changed my name
Anty Normous, is that funny?

Do I know Italian folklore
or what.

That's my new brother-in-law.

Ma, you never told me Aunt Norma
was pregnant?

I never told you.

Who am I? Walter Winter
with the news?

[laughs] Sylvia.

Darling!

-[giggling]
-Hello Sylvia.

Hello Phil, how are you?

Fine. Just fine.

Hey, look at my new car!

I always wanted my baby sister

to be married to a man with
a car like that.

It's a veritable dream come
true for me, Phil.

Sylvia darling,
is that your sister?

The new bride?

You never told me she
was pregnant!

I shouted it from the roof top
last Thursday.

You must have been out.

Norma, Mrs. Glantz.

Hello, I'm Norma De Lorenzo.

De Lorenzo?

I knew a Mrs. De Benedetto once.

Her husband was a drunk.

-[Norma] So where are his bags?
-[Sylvia] Mort's got them.

You have enough to deal with
right now.

Hey, Lenny is that your bike?

Yeah, pap bought it for me
two years ago

from another kid.

It's em... nice.

I tell you what I think it's
scratch up

the automobile, so um...

listen, I've got an extra
bike at the store

we use for deliveries,
why don't you use that?

-Yeah, I guess so.
-Okay, good.

Normie, let's go.

Alright sweetie.

Go easy, go easy.

Lenny.

You're going to have a
wonderful summer,

and when you get back things
will be smoother,

I promise.

I love you.

Now be a good boy,

and don't let your Aunt Norma
work too hard.

Shake hands with...

your Stepfather.

[sad music]

Our little trip to the country

ended on a dead end street

called "133rd Avenue".

[Norma] Oh, this is our home.

No cows, no horses,

no general stores.

It looked like Queens to me.

[laughing]

[Norma] You know what he
says Lenny,

I'm a back street driver.

-[Phil] Get out of here alright.
-[Norma] Even in the front seat.

-[Norma grunts]
-[Phil] Come on, there you go.

[Norma sighs]

So here we are.
Home sweet home.

Sweet home, sweet home.

Phil always says that

because all the houses
look alike.

Alright you guys get the bags

out of the car, I'll
start dinner.

Lenny, sweetie, I hope
your hungry

'cos Phil brought home enough
food to feed the neighborhood!

Welcome to Queens!

Hey, I've put a radio in your
room so you can listen

to the ball game.
Do you like baseball?

Yeah.

Yankees, right?

Dodgers.

You're from The Bronx,
you root for Brooklyn?

What do you friends think
about that?

Okay. Good, this is um, good

I really feel like we're
getting warmer here.

Listen...

do you not like me because

your mother doesn't like me

or do you just not like me
on your own?

I don't, not like you.

But your mother doesn't like me
because I'm Italian, right?

No, she doesn't like you because

you're not Jewish.

There's the difference.

Yeah well that butcher's Jewish

you sure as hell don't like him,

that I can tell! [laughs]

Yeah.

I hate his guts.

Yeah, he's a flaming asshole,

isn't he?

Yeah. [giggles]

I never really knew your

real dad, you know.

Yeah, you would have liked him.

He was a Dodger fan too.

No kidding?

Which team do you root for?

What you're kidding?

This city's got three teams,

the Yankees, the Dodgers
and the Giants,

I've only got one Italian deli

whoever I root for I piss off
two thirds of my customers

so...

[car boot shuts]

Me? I only root for Italians

Go Rosutto,

go Farillo, go...

Cappinello.

What?

Cappinello's not Italian
he's colored.

[indistinct chatter]

What the fuck do my
customers know?

Oh shit, do you mind if
I say fuck?

I mean, I figured your
thirteen you must have

-heard it by now.
-I'm almost was fourteen.

No kidding!

-Fourteen?
-Yeah.

Do wanna borrow the
car tomorrow?

Yeah!

Yeah? Fat fucking chance kiddo.

Get in there, let's go.

[Phil sings in Italian]

Hey Lenny?

Take your BBQ like this in
The Bronx son?

Am I right or am I wrong?

How about more sausage?

No thanks Uncle Phil,
four's plenty.

And two hamburgers, are you

sure you don't want any
vegetables with that?

No thanks Aunt Norma.

Hiya Norma, Phil.

Johnny, how you doing?

Pretty good.

That's my nephew over
there Lenny,

Lenny Levine.

Johnny Zarkotoli,

he lives next door.

Until I kill him for jumping

over the fence and ruining
my flowers.

Remember I told you to use
the driveway?

Johnny go around, go around.

Sorry.

-Hi.
-Hi.

Lenny is spending the summer

with us. This is John who works

in Phil's deli.

Off the books.

Yo, err... you know what I'm

gonna take him down the
store tomorrow,

show him the ropes, and maybe
you can show him around?

Introduce to some of the kids
in neighborhood.

I tell you what, Norma let's

go inside and get the dessert
then these two guys

can get to know each
other alright.

-Good idea.
-Alright.

-You getting out of there ok?
-Yes.

Hey John,

I've got that strawberry

short cake, you like
that right?

Yeah.

Phil's a nice guy.

Must be neat to have him
for an uncle.

Yeah, I haven't had him that

long, but I er, I like him.

You know he's not like a
regular grown up.

I have two uncles,
Greg and Steedy.

Greg's a cheap sonofabitch

and Steedy's a drunk.

You wanna do something after
work tomorrow?

I dunno.

What do you guys do around here?

Not much, ride bikes.

I don't have a bike yet

but er, Phil said he's got
and extra one in the store.

Oh here it is, I got it,
I got it.

It's a piece of crap olla.

Maybe we should just go off
to the school yard

and play some baseball.

I'm not that good at baseball,
but, uh, how about stoop ball?

Kids around here...
don't play stoop ball.

You know, my mother convinced me
to spend the summer here.

She said there'd be tons
of interesting stuff to do.

You know, just like camp.

Don't you guys do anything
interesting around here?

Yeah.

What?

You promise you won't tell
Phil or anybody?

Yeah.

I swear.

We have a sex club.

[whimsical music]

Okay... I would do that.

[whimsical music continues]

-[Norma] You okay?
-[Lenny] Oh, sure.

-What're reading?
-[Lenny] Comic book.

Okay, we're gonna go to bed.

Okay.

Hey, light out
five minutes kiddo.

Already. Good night uncle Phil
and Norma.

-Good night.
-Good night.

They didn't do anything
that night.

They didn't hug,
they didn't kiss,

they didn't even shake hands,
believe me.

I would've heard.

♪ So sweet on the sunny side
Of the street ♪

-[sighs]
-[Phil] Rule number one.

The customer... is always right.

-[Lenny] Got ya.
-Rule number two.

If the customer is ever wrong,
what do we do?

Refer to rule number one.

Got ya.

That is a someplace, isn't it?

Yeah... I thought I'd be small,
but... it's really nice.

I'm always used to this smell.

Come here, come here.

In a couple of years,
the lady next door

in Amelia's dress shop
is retiring.

So, I'm going to take over
that space and I'm going

to make it super rich.
Then who knows,

maybe I'll take over the AMP
and live in the avenue.

[Phil] I'm going to call
the NMP.

[Phil continues speaking]

Ah, and a quarter pound
of Genoa salami.

Genoa salami.

[Crescetelli] Hey, hey!
Don't give me the end.

Get a fresh one
and cut from the middle.

[mumbles] I'll give her
a fresh salami.

You gotta think big boys.

Think big, live big, slice thin.

♪ Doria Dore take your sister
Off the floor ♪

Come on, we got to stock.

[Lenny] John hadn't said a word
about the sex club all morning.

I decided it was time that work
it into the conversation.

So, uh, who's the president?

Hike.

-Who?
-President Heisner.

What, do you think I'm stupid?

No, I mean who's the president
of the sex club?

We don't have a president.

-You got jackets?
-[derisive laugh] Jackets?

[laughs] I got to tell that one
to Alice.

Alice! Who the hell is Alice?

[John] Hey, let me just
tell you this.

The best thing about working
for Phil is the free lunch.

Yeah. I never had a ham
in Swiss like this before.

Actually, I've never had a ham
in anything before.

Wow! That's a new bike.

Thanks. I got it last Christmas.

Cost me a $100.

Can I ride it one time?

I'm not supposed to lend it,
but I'll ask my father.

Yeah, my father died
last September.

I know. Norma told me,
so I wouldn't say

anything stupid.
[car horn honks]

Johnny!

Johnny, I'm late for work.

-Hi Miss Colia.
-Sweety, I'm shamefully late.

Get this grocery list to Phil
and deliver it to my house.

You know where the key is.

[Colia] And put a spoil boost
up in the fridge and--

And the bananas in the freezer,
I know.

Thanks.

This is for you.

-Who's the new kid?
-[John] This is Phil's nephew

Lenny. He's here for the summer.

Oh. Hi Lenny!

[soft music]

Oh, tell Guido not to cut
from the hens.

-Who was that?
-Hedy Colia.

Her real name is Hedy Coletti.

-Colia is her model name.
-She's a model?

Oh yeah! And a nurse.

But since I've known her,
she's mostly a nurse.

But... she used to model bras.

You're kidding. She lets guys
take pictures of her boobs

-just like that?
-Is that incredible?

Plus she's a great tipper.
She gives me a buck

just for delivering
her groceries to her house.

So, uh, Johnny...

you're going to put your head
in her bra?

[whimsical music]

It's called the weeds.
The guy who developed this block

was supposed to turn
it into a park.

-But he ran out of town.
-Too bad.

-How far is Hedy's house?
-Oh, about ten feet.

[Lenny] Your kidding!
She models bras

-and she lives on our block.
-My block.

You're just here for the summer.

[Johnny] Six and seven.

Seventh pot from the left.

You're going to split
that dollar with me

for helping you deliver
these groceries?

Yeah, but I'm charging you ¢50
for a tour of the house.

Wow!

[Lenny] It's like a magazine.
Never seen furniture like this

in real life.

Come on.

Hey, peel these and put them
in the freezer.

What do you think
she does with these?

I think she eats them.

Yeah, well I think she likes
them big, fat and hard. [laughs]

I hope she likes
them circumcised.

[both giggling]

Oh, oh!

[soft fantasy music]

-Oh my God!
-It gets better.

Oh my God!

-Tits.
-[Johnny laughs]

Oh Lenny! I want to have sex
with you so much.

I'll have to think about it.

[Johnny] Oh please, take me back
to Brooklyn with you.

It's the Bronx.

[Johnny] I don't care. Just give
me a big orgasm.

-A big what?
-[laughs]

-Come on, we got to go.
-Where're we going?

Alice's house.

[whimsical music]

What's the matter?

OK... OK, what to do you
actually do in the sex club?

-We talk about sex.
-With girls?

Yeah, they know a lot.

Especially Alice. She told me
a ton of good stuff.

-Is that all? This soft?
-Yeah.

You could show Alice
your dick if you want.

She always asks if she could
see mine.

-Did you show it to her?
-No.

It's not ready to be seen.

Mine either.

[Lenny] John never told me
there'd be two of them.

I figured out it must've been
the one with the reddish hair.

Because the girl
with the glasses didn't look

like she knew anything
about sex.

Boy! Did I get that one wrong?

-Hi John.
-Hi, this is Lenny.

Lenny, this is Alice Moran
and Barbara Staburweenie.

[angrily] Sabatini.

-Hi.
-Hi.

Lenny, you're the one
who's staying

with the De Lorenzo's
for the summer right?

Right. How did you know that?

She knows everything
about everybody.

Her mother own a beauty parlor.

All the women talk about
their personal lives.

Your aunt Norma blabbed
all about you.

What did she say?

You live in the Bronx,
your father died, you're Jewish.

-And you masturbate every night.
-[giggles]

I do not.

I do.

[both chuckling]

[Lenny] Did you see what I mean?

I never met a girl
who even said masturbate.

This one did it
and told you about it.

I got excited.
You know, excited.

So, uh, who's in this club?

Just me and Barbara
and any other boy that we see

-can be in it.
-So far, we let in John.

And one Ralphie Palumbo,
we had to kick Ralphie out,

because he told
his mother. [laughs]

Can I be in for this summer?

As long as you understand
that we just talk about it.

We don't do it.
We're catholic.

Especially Barbara.
She's very catholic.

I-I don't do it either.

I wouldn't want to get
anyone pregnant.

You couldn't get Barbara
pregnant anyway.

-She hasn't had her period yet.
-Alice! God!

Her what?

Her period.

Oh God! Doesn't this kid
know anything?

Walk! Lenny, I can understand
you don't know a lot about sex,

but this is something we learnt
in seventh grade hygiene.

Hey, I took shop
in seventh grade, OK.

You tell me what a period is
and I'll teach you how to build

a magazine rack.

[laughs]

Every month, women have
a menstrual cycle

and they bleed. It's also
called the curse.

What do you mean bleed?

Do you at least know
what a vagina is?

Yeah. I mean, Jews call it
something else,

but uh, if you want
to use the medical term.

That's where women bleed from.

Are you sure this isn't
just like a local thing?

Because I don't think women
in The Bronx have curses.

I would've heard about it.

-[giggles]
-No, it happens to all of them.

It means your eggs dropping
and you could get pregnant.

I got mine at 12.

Barbara's 15,
she's dying to get it.

Sounds awful.
Why would you want it?

Could we talk
about something else, please?

Alice, tell Lenny about the time
you saw your parents doing it.

Doing it?

When I was ten years old,
I woke up

in the middle of the night
and I went to their room.

They were doing it
in the machinery position.

The machinery position?

Wow! I didn't know Catholics
had their own position.

What's it called
when Jewish people do it?

[both laugh]

Machinery position
is for everybody,

it's when the mans on top
and the women's on bottom.

What did I tell ya?

She know all kinds of stuff
like that.

Uh, excuse us a minute.

[girls giggling]

What does she mean it
when the man goes on top?

The man goes on top!

There's different ways to do it.
Sometimes the woman

can be on top.

Hey, come on, let's go.

[Barbara and Alice whispering]

-So, what did it look like?
-I already told you.

No, no, no, I mean,
what did it look like?

Um... I couldn't watch
for too long,

because I didn't want
to get caught.

But it doesn't look like a bee
upon eating a flower

which is what they tell you.

It's more like a wrestling match
on TV.

Only they're naked
and it's not two men

and there's no referee.

I guess you have to see
it for yourself.

I'm gonna. I'm going to watch
Norma and Phil.

-Whoa!
-Probably tonight.

-No, you're not.

I'm so. I got it all
planned out.

Norma and Phil
can't do it anymore.

Of course they can.
He got her pregnant, didn't he?

Norma told my mother last week,
her doctor said,

she couldn't have anymore
intercourse till after

the baby's born.

-What? Why not?
-I know why.

Because the baby will bite off
Phil's dick from the inside.

[laughing]

That's not it.

If you screw after
the seventh month,

you're going to get contractions
and the baby

could be born premature.

Is she right?

Oh my God, no!

[sighs]

[upbeat jazz music]

[Lenny] What a set back!

Lucky for me. The rest
of the summer was going great.

I really like my new uncle.

[upbeat jazz music continues]

Phil taught me lots of stuff
he said it was important

for men to know.

His advice was always clear
and easy to understand.

Alice taught me lots
of stuff too,

but her advice
was a little fussier.

Women can have two kinds
of orgasms.

Real or fake.

How do you tell the difference?

[Alice and Barbara laughing]

So, what's the big deal
if you see two people doing it.

It was my goal for the summer.

And my father always told me,
"Set a goal for yourself

and stick to it."

He says it's the only way
you're going to get

ahead in life.

So, does it have to be
Norma and Phil.

No.

Why don't you sleep over
at my house one night?

Maybe, my mom and dad
would do it for you.

If they knew it would help
you get ahead in life.

Thanks a lot.

What did your dad do?

He sold shoes at Thom McAn's.

[John] That's a pretty good job.

Yeah, but I don't think
it's really what he

-wanted to do.
-How do you know?

Maybe, his goal was to look up
at lot of women's dresses.

Guys, you got to come with me.

What's up?

Emergency sex club meeting.

Barbara's got something
to show you.

-[Alice] It just happened.
-She got her period, no!

-I don't want to see it.
-No, it's not that.

It's.

[fast paced music]

-[Alice] Look at this.
-[John] Oh my gosh!

[Lenny] Look at this,
oh my goodness!

Look at her, look at her!

Oh my gosh!
Where did you see this?

I was putting away the laundry
and I found it

in my father's sock drawer.

John look at the size
of those tit.

I bet stab you whinny
with like tits like those.

[Lenny] I can't believe it.
A comic book were

all the characters are screwing
and humping in everything.

Mr. Sabatini must've had
it tried on 100 superman's

for this one.

-[Alice] Jeez!
-Oh!

If the church had found out
your father had this,

he'd been excommunicated.

-He's a real pervert.
-I wish my father was a pervert.

Turn the page.

Jeez! Look at the boner
on that guy.

-Careful, don't crip it.
-[woman] Hey, you kids!

What're you guys up to?

[all] Oh, nothing, nothing!

I'm on the night shift
this week,

so keep the noise down.

-Okay.
-Alright. Good night.

-[all] Good night.
-Let's get out of here.

[Barbara] Alice, what am I going
to do with this thing?

[Alice] Just put it back
in your fathers drawer.

[girls chattering]

What?

[soft music]

Oh my God!

[Lenny] When I looked up
and saw her reflected

in those mirrors... I knew
right then there was a God.

And he had led me
to the promise land.

Before the summer was over,
I was going to watch

Hedy Colia bang her brains out.

And I knew exactly
how I was going to do it.

Shh.

Come here.

What did your mom say?

My mom doesn't do Hedy's hair
but she does Ms. Samuel's

-who exhort Hedy.
-So, what did Ms. Samuel say?

Ms. Samuel says--
god I feel like Nancy Drew,

-girl attacked him.
-Alice come on.

Mrs. Samuel says that Hedy
is romantically active.

I bet that means she puts out.

Thank you John.

-Who with?
-Some guy whose car

has MD empty license plates.

-I bet he's a doctor.
-A doctor?

Why didn't I think of it?
Thank you John.

Okay... so I know
she's doing it.

Do you know when?

Yeah Lenny, we asked for her
screwing calendar

and she gave it to us.

[man hems]

She probably does it at night.
That's when they all do it.

Okay, we'll figure it out.

But in the meanwhile
I found this book.

-Bird watching?
-Yeah.

The larger breasted
Hedica lady bird.

[music playing]

[Lenny] A quarter pound
of Genoa salami.

And four slices
of Swiss cheese, thin.

But now from this side,
too many holes.

Thank you Mrs. Crescetelli.

And may I say,
you look lovely today.

Thank you Lenny.
I wish everybody treated

their best customer so nice
like you.

-Hello Ms. Colia and may I say--
-Oh, let me guess.

I look lovely today.
Me and Mrs. Crescetelli.

Uh, actually... you look better.

Huh-uh. Let me see
if you're as good as slicing ham

as your baloney.

I'll take half a pound
of boiled ham, please.

Got it.

So, you're enjoying your summer?

Uh, yes Ms. Colia.

I think you can call me Hedy.

Oh. Yeah, I'm having
a great summer, Hedy.

-But uh, I miss school.
-You do?

Yeah, I love studying.

[Lenny] I mean, I already know
what I'm going to be

when I grow up.

-Yeah.
-A doctor.

-Huh. No kidding, my boyfriend
is a doctor.

Really? What kind?

OBGYN.

Obgyn? What's an obgyn?

No. OBGYN, Obstetrics
and Gynecology.

-[Hedy] He delivers babies.
-Cool.

I-I'd love to meet him.

Oh, he's coming to the block
party on Saturday.

I'll introduce you guys.

His name is Dr. Flynn,
Donald Flynn.

Alright.

[Lenny] It was looking good.
I figured a guy who knew

how to deliver babies.

Probably knew a thing or three
about how to make them.

Here you go Hedy. May I say,
you look lovely today.

Oh, you're good,
you're very good.

See you later.

-[Phil] Ciao Hedy.
-[Hedy] Ciao.

[Lenny] I had the perfect plan.

And I was ready
for the block party.

I just didn't figure
on the block hit.

Lenny! Was I right
or was I right?

Hello Phil with your cigar.

[Sylvia] Was I right
that you'll have a fabulous

vacation. You look gorgeous.

-[Mort] Phil, how're you?
-Hello, I'm Lenny's mother.

-You must be a new friend.
-I'm John.

-Nice to meet you Mrs. Levine.
-It's Mrs. Polinsky.

-What's your last name John?
-He's not Jewish mom.

I only promised
you'd make friends.

I didn't specify racist,
religions or creeds.

Hey, uh, you bought a car uh?

So, uh, what do you think Lenny?

-It's a green Chevy.
-Hope you like green Chevy.

This is your new car.

-Can I drive it?
-In a couple of years.

The it's your new car.

-How was the ride?
-It was horrible.

-Traffic?
-He doesn't drive it correctly.

[Lenny] Come on John,
we go to go.

-Bye mom.
-Come in the house

and freshen up.
Not that you need it.

If you do as good
with this child

as you're doing with Lenny,
you'll be in the mother's

-hall of fame.
-He misses you both like crazy.

I'm so glad you could come.

So Phil,
what's the shindig about?

You see those weeds
down at the end of the block?

We're going to raise a little
money to make a nice park.

So, tell me about
Lenny's summer.

He's a great kid. He's a big
help with the store too.

He's made friends,
he took up bird watching.

Birds! Since when does Lenny
like birds?

He's serious too. He even
borrowed my binoculars.

Binoculars?

Good ones too. You're out
16 bucks if he drops them.

[casual music]

[laughs]

Why, that little pervert!

[upbeat music]

-Where have you guys been?
-Lenny's parents showed up.

Not parents, mother
and some fat jerk

in a green Chevy.

-Where're the binoculars?
-[Lenny shushes]

-I hid them in the weeds.
-Can me and Barbara watch

with you?

You want four people taking
turns looking

into her bedroom window?
You know what,

why don't we just open up
a booth and sell tickets.

Yeah Barbara, I bet your father
would pay. [laughs]

Look, alright, if it works
this time we'll bring you guys

-with us next time.
-What makes you think

I even want to?

Yeah.

Women.

[Hedy] Johnny, Lenny!

[background chatter]

You guys ready for desert?

Desert! What do you have?

Charlotte Russe, only ¢20.

You made these?
They're great.

I bought them
at Amsterdam's bakery.

Don't tell anybody.

[clears throat]

So, uh, where's your friend,
Dr. Flynn?

Oh, I thought he'd be here
by now,

but he had a baby to deliver.

-Hello!
-Hi.

[Hedy] I'm Hedy Colia.
You're new in the neighborhood?

No, no, just visiting.
Mort Polinsky.

[Mort] I'm uh...
I'm Lenny's stepfather.

That's a lovely outfit
you have on, Hedy.

And your... cream puffs
looks delicious.

Thank you.

Lenny darling, Norma wants you
and John to help at her table

for a while so she can rest.

Uh, ma, this is my friend
Hedy Colia.

How do you do?
Sylvia Polinsky.

Hi, you have the sweetest son.

-He's so helpful.
-[Sylvia laughs]

Hello.

-Hi.
-Hi.

It's a girl. Six pounds,
ten ounces.

-[Hedy] Oh!
-And I'm starving.

-Look.
-Ooh!

[laughs]

Oh.

Don, Don, this is John
and this is Lenny,

the young man I was telling
you about.

-And these are his parents.
-[Flynn] Nice to meet you, hi.

So, you want to be
a doctor, huh?

Lenny, a doctor?

Pinch me! It's wonderful,
since when?

Ma, please.

Oh-oh Sylvia, they're playing
a song, come on let's mambo.

Lenny I'll catch you later.

[jazz music]

[Lenny] I wonder
what they're saying?

[John] Probably, oh baby, baby,
baby! Let's do it now,

so Lenny and John can watch.

Do you want to dance?

Sure.

[Lenny] I don't even know
how to dance.

I just wanted to get closer
to Hedy.

You're being a real jerk
about Hedy.

What do you mean?

I don't understand why it's so
important to see her screwing.

Shh, she'll hear you.

You already saw lots of screwing
in Barbara's father's book.

Comic books don't count, Alice.

I think you should wait until...

Till what?

I don't know... till you do it
with some girl.

I mean, you're sort
of good looking.

I bet some girl would
do it with you.

What girl?

I don't know any Jewish girls.
I go to catholic school.

She could be catholic.

I... well... catholic girls
don't do it.

Lenny!

Wish me luck. We got to go.

-Oh! There they are.
-Lie down.

They can't see me.

[John] Lie down!
What if we get caught?

What would they do,
beat us with a frozen banana?

You're going back to the Bronx
in a month,

but I still have to live here.

-I'm getting out of here.
-You're such a pussy.

You're never going to have
a chance like this again.

-You're right.
-Yeah.

I'm a pussy. See you later.

[Lenny] Come on,
turn her around.

Turn around.

Oh my gosh!

-Hey!
-[screams]

Come on out of there!

What the hell were you doing
in there?

-I was watching for birds.
-It's night time.

-I always watch for owls.
-Owls?

Yeah.

Hoodious, Twistious, Anakus.

Come on, give me
those binoculars.

-Don't drop it.
-Okay.

What was that kid looking at?

[whimsical music]

That little peeping Tom.

Hey you pervert!

[laughs]

-You're sick.
-No, no, it was--

That's some example to set
for your son.

Hedy told me you got fresh
with her.

Fresh? I gave her a compliment.

Cream puff ah?
I'll give you cream puff

-you sick bastard.
-Please, let me explain.

-Just want to say one thing.
-Be my guest.

[gasps]

[sighs]

I brought you some more ice.

-Oh!
-Darling.

Oh! Sylvia, Sylvia, look.

The ice is killing me,
enough already.

Oh my god!

Can I get you a drink
or something?

No drinks.

[Sylvia] First, I want to find
out what happened.

You want to know what happened,
I'll tell you what happened.

I went looking for Lenny.

So, I went to that jungle
where you're going to build

a park and I found him.

Down more to the ground
with those binoculars.

So, I turned around to see
what he was looking at and...

bam, I got hit in the eye
with a tree branch.

[Norma and Phil giggle]

One day in the country
and you get hit in the eye

with a tree branch.
Thank god you didn't take

your eye out.

[laughs] Poor boy!
I feel terrible for you.

What could I say?

I'm a city guy
not a country boy.

[groans in pain]

I learnt my lesson. Don't worry.

Never happen again

[all laughing]

[Lenny] Unbelievable. It was
the first time

he ever really shocked me,
but it wasn't the last.

[music playing in the car]

-Why didn't he wretch you out?
-I don't know.

-He didn't even tell Phil?
-He didn't tell anybody.

Maybe, he's not such
a bad guy after all.

Yeah and maybe if your mother
screws howdy doody

she won't get splinters.

Hey, watch what you say
about my mother.

Sorry.

Dirty comics is about the only
sex you're going to see

this summer.
-I already got a plan.

-You want in on it?
-Are you crazy?

I don't even want to know
what it is.

What is it?

A move in to the inside.

Inside! Inside the house?
You'll never get away with it.

-Yes I will.
-You'll get caught.

No, I won't.

I'm going away.

-What?

I'm going to visit my mother
in Rhode Island.

Before I go, would you like
to get into my pants?

What?

I said, while I'm away would you
water my plants.

Uh... yeah sure.

-For how long?
-Two weeks.

[Lenny] After she left,
something weird happened.

I couldn't wait for her
to get back.

Not because I wanted to see her
having sex,

but because I just wanted
to see her.

♪ Our love ♪

♪ Is a dream,
But in my reverie ♪

♪ You can see the distance
Was made ♪

♪ For me ♪

♪ Only a poor fool ♪

♪ Never schooled
In the whirlpool ♪

♪ Our romance could be
So cruel ♪

♪ As you are to me ♪

♪ My love is as worthless ♪

♪ As tin to me ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ Life will never begin to be ♪

♪ Please love me ♪

♪ As you love me
In my reverie ♪

♪ Make my dream a reality ♪

♪ Let's dispense
With formality ♪

♪ As you loved me ♪

♪ In my reverie ♪

-Hey.
-Hey, Hedy.

What's a girl got to do to get
a little service around here?

How was your vacation?

Oh, Paris is a vacation.
Rhode Island is just

out of town.

You look amazing.

What, I didn't look
amazing before?

-You look amazing as usual.
-Uh.

-What do you need?
-What I need is a vacation,

but um, for now, let me see,
let me get a,

-a pound of chopped meat.
-Okay.

A half a pound of plum tomatoes
and um...

let me get a large bottle
of that olive oil.

[Phil] Right. What do you make,
a sauce?

[Hedy] No, meatloaf.

-[Phil] You make meatloaf?
-[Hedy] Ya.

I make a good meatloaf, Phil.

[Phil] What you're going
to serve it with?

[Hedy] I don't know.

-Lenny! Lenny!
-[Lenny] I'm on the crapper.

Lenny, she's back.

[muffled chattering]

-Hurry up!
-[Lenny] I'm wiping.

She's leaving.

Oh my god!

[car engine splutters]

Hedy!

-Hedy, Hedy, Hedy!
-Lenny.

-Hi.
-There you are. Hi.

What's up?

Oh, nothing. Um... I just
wanted to let you know

that your plants,
they're all fine.

Oh! I was going to pay
you as soon as I--

-No, it's not that.
-No, here, take this.

Thank you very much.

Hey, you're welcome.

So, uh, how's Dr. Flynn?

I don't know. I haven't seen him
in two weeks remember?

I'll tell him you were asking
for him when I see him tonight.

-Bye.
-Bye.

Tonight? She's meeting
him tonight!

I better be as horny as hell.

He'll be horny as hell?

[Lenny] Hmm, aunt Norma,
you make the best meat loaf.

-I'm stuffed.
-Thank you.

Are you sure you don't want
to come with us?

Hey, it's Marilyn Monroe,
Seven Year Itch.

He knows. He's the one
who told me about it.

Ah, that's okay. I'm going over
to John's house.

We're going to build
a model layer plane.

-Alright sweety, see you later.
-[Lenny] Bye.

Bye.

[Lenny] I had come so far
since that night I tried

to sneak a peek
through the keyhole

of my mother's bedroom.
I was now a professional,

an artist.

As day became night,
and I slid into the closet

opposite Hedy's bedroom.

I knew I had checked
every detail.

A plan for every possibility,
except the one.

Total catastrophe.

-Why were you being like this?
-I'm not being like anything.

[Flynn] I'm being me, me upset,
me confused.

[bangs]
But all me.

And now me is getting my stuff.

-I didn't say no forever.
-This wasn't screwing.

But you said for now twice.
I don't have forever Hedy.

I don't know why I have to be
such an ass.

If I'm not enough for you now,
then I never will be.

I waited all night in a closet
for this?

[Hedy] I don't know.

I was the one getting screwed.

[Flynn] Because I cannot wait
around for you to figure it out.

No, god forbid.

You know, you're right.
Just go.

[Flynn] I don't accept
that Hedy, I do not.

Don't you make me out
the bad guy here.

[Hedy] Oh, no, no, no,
you're a great guy.

You're all just wonderful
great guys.

Now, will you just get the hell
out of my house.

Just take your crap and go.

I'll see you
on the ward sometime... nurse.

[footsteps receding]

[door opens and shuts]

[singing softly]

[Lenny] GI Joe says
that the best place to hide

is in plain sight.

Who said comic books
aren't educational?

Lenny?

Lenny, are you alright?

Oh!

What? Where am I?

-Oh Hedy!
-Lenny, what're doing here?

I came in this afternoon
to deliver your groceries in.

Whoa! I was really tired...
I just sit down for a minute.

What time is it?

♪ Forever my darling ♪

Mmm. Hmm, meatloaf.

I love meatloaf.

What would you like to drink?

Beer is fine.

One beer coming up.

[bottle cap snaps]

How old did you say you were?

Uh... [clears throat] 15.
[sniffs]

[indistinct music]

[water vibrating in bottle]

Here you go.

Cheers!

[bottles clink]

[moans]

How'd you like it?

Oh it's delicious, uh...

Rein Gold, it's uh...
it's my regular brand.

♪ I'll never part from you ♪

Well this is a wonderful
surprise, I um...

I was hoping for some
company tonight.

I uh... I thought you had
a date with Doctor Flynn?

Yeah I did but um...

he had to get back
to the hospital, so.

Oh.

Actually um... Doctor Flynn
and I won't be dating anymore.

What happened?

Oh, grown up stuff.

♪ You need love
And hope ♪

[bottle vibrates]

♪ Making you happy
My Desirety ♪

Do you have a girlfriend Lenny?

Who me? No.

Not yet. I... I mean
I could, I'm ready.

Well when you get one uh...
little advice,

plan a life together, okay?

Don't just show up with
a time table and an ultimatum.

You might even ask her
what she wants for her life,

you know her hopes, her dreams.

[sighs]

[sighs] I'm sorry.

One beer and off I go.

That's okay.

Grown up stuff.

♪ I still remember ♪

I hate Polinsky!

Who?

My mother's husband, Polinsky.

Look, I just wanna let
you know that I'm glad

Doctor Flynn punched him
'cause I hate his guts.

♪ I never forget ♪

Oh, you knew about that, huh?

♪ And so sad ♪

I wasn't gonna say anything.

No, no, you can say anything
you want about him.

He's not my real father.

My real father died last year.

[huffs] Then my mother
got crazy and married him.

Well I guess we have
a lot in common then.

My father died when
I was 12 and...

my mother remarried
two years later.

Al.

I hated his guts.

[indistinct music]

You did?

How come?

Well...

you know how some men can do...

not nice things to young girls?

Well... Al was a not nice man.

[indistinct music continues]

My real father though...

he was the most nice man.

Mine too.

What did your father do?

You know the Chrysler
Building in Manhattan?

He was um...
the building manager there.

What'd your father do?

Uh... he sold shoes
at Tommacan's.

Oh yeah?

My father used to buy
shoes at Tommacan's,

I wonder if they ever met?

Ah... probably not,
it's a big chain.

[lips smack]
When I was little...

my father...

sometimes used to take me
up to the roof at night.

The city is so magical
from the top of that building.

All the lights below
would sparkle like...

like diamonds
and rubies and emeralds.

And...

my father would...

sweep his hand across
all the glittering lights

and he'd say...

' 'Every little twinkling
star in the city

is looking up at you.

Because you
are brighter and better ...

and more beautiful by far .

[slow music]

Like a queen .

The queen
of the Chrysler Building .''

[slow music continues]

[exhales]

And...

and then one day he was gone.

And the roof was gone
and...

the stars were gone
and...

and there was... there was Al.

[slow music continues]

And not much else.

But... who knows,
maybe I was right.

About what?

He said...

He said, "Your father...
made you out

to be something special.

Miss high and mighty.

But you know, you're nothing.

You're nothing but a god
damn janitor's daughter."

[slow music continues]

My father worked
for this guy, Hirum.

Every time I went
down to the store

he was always crabbing.

He hated selling shoes.

He said it was stupid.

And pointless and only
a failure would do it.

I asked my father
if that's how he felt?

He said,
"Everyday people come in...

I spend 10, 15 minutes with them

then they walk out
in my shoes."

He said,
"They work, they play,

they travel,
they live their lives.

But don't sell shoes,
Lenny, sell journeys."

[slow music continues]

Your father was a poet.

Yeah... so was yours.

But you just told me
that he sold shoes.

Well...

I didn't know I was
talking to the queen

of the Chrysler Building.

My father sold journeys.

[slow music continues]

We ate some frozen
bananas and...

we talked some more
about our fathers.

And about the Dodgers
and...

how we're both still hurting
from Bobby Thompson's

home run 1951.

[slow music continues]

She explained that
my regular brand of beer

was actually called Rinegold.

And she even taught me
the Rinegold jingle.

By 10 o' clock,
I was madly in love with her.

By quarter after...

I wanted to ask her to marry me.

[slow music continues]

[crickets chirping]

[laughs]

Listen, thanks
for keeping me company.

You're very sweet, Lenny.

I wish I knew someone
like you when I was...

[lips vibrate] teen.

[laughs]

[lips smack]

Goodnight.

[crickets chirping continues]

[Lenny humming]

♪ My beer is Rinegold
The dry beer ♪

♪ Think of Rinegold
Whenever you buy beer ♪

♪ It's refreshing
Not sweet ♪

♪ It's the extra dry treat ♪

♪ Why don't you try
Extra dry ♪

♪ Rinegold beer ♪

That's it?

You drink beer and she
kisses you with her hand?

I could do that with
my grandfather.

Have fun.

So now what are you gonna do?

About what?

How are you gonna
see her screwing

if she broke up
with her boyfriend?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

I couldn't watch her screwing,
I have too much respect for her.

So like, guess she's now kind
of like a big sister to you.

Sister?

No, no.
She's the girl of my dreams.

[sigh] I couldn't
watch her have sex,

it would be like watching uh...

queen.

Excuse me?

Stup--

I have to go vomit.

[upbeat music]

After that, she came
to the store almost everyday .

Guido thought it was because
of his new after shave lotion

but uh... I knew the real truth.

She couldn't live without me.

[man over radio] New showers
will be coming this afternoon

will come a little later
and a lot harder.

Severe storm warnings
are in effect

until midnight tonight,
so find someone to cozy up with.

It's gonna get nasty.

Here's a cozy lady, JP Morgan,

and that's all I want from you.

Yesterday we had
two delivery boys.

Today we got none.

What the hell they do,
run away with Hetty Callya?

[chuckles] Them boys don't
stand a chance with her.

You see the way she
looked at me? [chuckles]

Sure.

She's a nurse, she can't
believe your still breeding.

[groans]

Where's John?

Hey Johnny, he went home
to see his grandmother.

That leaves one delivery boy.

Delivery boy we got
but delivery bike, he's busted.

♪ From you ♪

Busted?

♪ Don't let ♪

[laughing]

[indistinct chatter]

[honk]

I got five to one you don't know
what the hell you're doing.

Yeah I thought I did
but maybe it's better one piece.

Yeah that's what they
say about career.

All right just leave
it there for tonight, huh?

Okay.

You can drive me home.

I can't,
I got tons of paperwork.

Why don't you walk
home, be good for ya?

It's two freakin' miles.

-Hi.
-Hey.

What's two freakin' miles?

My bike's busted
and he won't drive me home.

Oh... I'll take you,
I'm on my way home now.

Only after those night
shifts, come on.

Here.
[horns honking]

Oh, Phil...

do you got candles?

Candles, yeah I got 'em.

I gotta get a dozen.

No, stay right there.
I get 'em for ya.

Candles uh... you having
a romantic dinner?

[sighs] Yeah.

Hardly.

It's supposed to storm
tonight and if it rains,

I don't wanna be alone
all right in the dark.

I could keep you company?

Oh, that's actually the best
offer I've had all week.

But um... I think I'm gonna
go to bed early tonight,

so I'll take a rain check.

Okay?

Here we go, here we go.

Candles for Miss. Callya.

Chocolate cupcakes
for aunt Norma,

see if you can keep her
mused until I get home

about nine o'clock.

Okay.

-See ya.
-Bye.

Hey?

When's Norma due?

Couple of weeks.

Uh...

you gonna be there or am I gonna
be walking halls by myself?

Well with
an invitation like that,

how's a girl
supposed to say no?

[engine revs]

Ciao .

[engine revs]

[crash]

[rumbles]

It was a dark and stormy night

and Lenny grabbed
for her queen and...

that's it.

[humming over radio]

Are you all right?

[chuckles] Yeah.

I'll feel better
when Phil gets home.

Uh...

I nailed in the first two games
but I was close in the third.

Hey, wanna cut 'em?

Cut 'em thin
and they shred away.

Think big, live big,

cut thin.

Lenny?

I think my water just broke.

What?

Sorry.

Embarrassing.

[gasps]

I think that you should...

ow, I think that you
should call Phil, okay?

Just call the store.

I think I better
go to the hospital.

Ow.

It's not going through.

Cut in, just tell
the operator to call and cut in.

There's no dial tone,
what should I do now?

Ow!

Just get Phil, just get
on your bike and get Phil!

[exhales] Hurry!

You're gonna be okay.

Tell him to hurry!

[pouring rain]

[lightening crashes]

[slow music]

[crash]

[slow music continues]

[swish]

[screams]

[thud]

[crash]

[rock music]

[banging]

Hetty!

[rock music continues]

[slow music]

[rumbles]

[slow music continues]

[rumbles]

[suspenseful music]

[breathes heavily]

[heart beating]

[breathing heavily]

[heart beating continues]

Phil...!

♪ Will you be my only ♪

♪ Well for
For me ♪

♪ Oh I love that girl ♪

♪ Love that girl ♪

♪ Hold me baby
Squeeze me ♪

♪ Never let me go ♪

♪ I'm not taking chances ♪

♪ Because a lot of lovers
Suffer for me ♪

♪ Yes I love her ♪

♪ Yes I need her ♪

♪ Oh I love that girl ♪

♪ Love that girl ♪

[bang]

[birds chirping]

I uh... squeezed some
fresh orange juice.

Want some?

I tried to call you from
the hospital last night but...

phone was out
from that god damn storm.

Salute!

[glasses clink]

I'm a father.

You're a mother.

[birds chirping continues]

How did you deliver the baby
in a car last night?

Was a close one Lenny,
if it wasn't for you.

I didn't even wanna think
about what would've

happened to Norma or the baby.

I owe ya, big time.

Someday I'm gonna pay you back.

Yeah, it's okay.

[sighs]

Let me tell you something
about Italians,

when they say they're
gonna pay you back,

they're not asking you.

One day I don't care
where, I don't care when.

You come to me, you say,
'' Philly I'm collecting. ''

I don't care what it takes.

You got it, I swear.

My mother's grave.

[sighs]

Now that I got
that off my chest,

I wanna talk to you about
the other party last night.

Whatcha saw at Hetty's house.

Yeah, I don't have
anything to say.

Yeah but I do.

I made some notes 'cause
I wanna get it right.

[sighs]

Lenny, it's not
easy for some guys

to keep their dick
in their pants.

That isn't the first
thing I wanted to say

but it is the most important.

Okay, okay, whoa,
whoa, whoa kiddo.

Look, I'm sorry.

I mean... I almost wish
Norma would've caught me

instead of you.

All right that's
stupid, look at me,

yeah how stupid is that, right?

I just wish that you were older.

That way you could understand
what happened last night.

Oh, I understand.

I thought you loved aunt Norma?

I love your aunt Norma.

But last night, I-- I just,
I just had this urge.

Okay guys, they get urges.

You can't, I mean they
can't, the kid...

Christ!

I'm glad I had a daughter
so Norma can do this

when the time comes.

Look Lenny, there's a difference
between love and sex.

What happened last night
[smacks] was only sex.

That's all it was,
it was perfectly normal.

No, no I don't believe
that humping Hetty Callya

while your wife
is having a baby is normal.

So my timing is off all right,

didn't anybody tell you
about the facts of life?

Men are men, they have needs.

-It's cheating!
-Everyone screws around.

Even your own father.

Polinsky's not my father.

My father?

[whispers] Ah... shit.

Pop?

I'm sorry... I forgot you
don't know anything about this.

What?

What don't I know?

Nothing, I'll tell you
when you're 20 or 30.

He's my father, tell me!

Look, there are somethings
you cannot tell.

Your mother would hang
me from a lamp post.

Now listen, this subject
is closed, agabish!

[birds chirping]

Speaking of your mother, yo--

Your hands are looking
like chopped meat,

they need to be bandaged.

She'll have a heart attack.

I think Norma's got something
over here in the cabinet.

Hey Phil?

Yeah, what is it?

I'm collecting.

[sighs]
[bang]

[whispers] Mother of God.

No, Phil you swore. Tell me now!

About five years ago
your father had an affair.

What was her name?

[sighs]

Queen fucking Elizabeth
Lenny, I don't know her name.

Meaning he had a woman
on the side, he knocked her up

and he paid for the abortion.

You know what that is?

Anyway he almost got away
with the whole thing

but this woman...

she got pissed off.

She shot her mouth
off to your mother

and that pretty much
put a dent in your...

parent's marriage.

She kicked him out
and he went to Arizona.

Yeah.

I remember that.

He said it was because
of his asthma.

Yeah well it was because of...

Anyway, the upshot is that
he talked his way back in.

She never...

slept in the same bed
with him again or anything.

Did she... still love him?

I don't know kid, I--

I doubt it.

I mean she got married pretty
fast after he died, right?

Now listen and don't go talking
to her about this today,

don't bring it up, you hear me?

I mean she's coming
in to see the baby.

Yeah well uh...

when she leaves, I...
I think I'm gonna go with her.

Summer's almost over anyway.

[birds chirping]

I knew how sorry he was,
he hurt his family.

And he knew that
I still loved him.

No matter what.

We just couldn't say it.

At least not that day.

[indistinct chatter]

[engine revs]

It's a girl, it's a girl!

Hi mom.

My God Lenny,
what happened to your hands?

I fell off a bike.

Did you break anything?

Just the bike.

I'm okay.

It only looks worse than it is.

Thank God you didn't
fall on your face.

I hope you're taking better
care of your daughter

than you are of my son?

Oh, nice to see you
again, Sylvia.

Phil, mazel tov .
Congratulations!

How are Norma and the baby?

They're both fine,
she'd be good.

I think Norma would want
to name her after our mother,

Sara Rebecca.

Well actually, we picked a name.

Philamina Theresa Dilorenzo.

-Nice.
-Yeah.

And what if it was a boy?

Jesus Christ
Almighty Dilorenzo?

-Can I get you a cup of coffee?
-No.

-Do you have any [indistinct]?
-Yeah.

How am I gonna explain in temple
I have a blood relative

named sister...
Philamina Theresa Dilorenzo?

[birds chirping]

Congratulations.

For what?

You've uh--

mind if I sit?

Babies. [hoots]

[chuckles]

Lenny uh...

did anyone ever explain
to you about the...

birds and the bees?

Yeah, we had in biology.

Bees sting and birds
crap on ya head.

[birds chirping]

I know you don't like me

but uh... look I'm aware that...

that boys your age
are very curious about things.

Women... love.

[whispers] Sex.

[sighs] You know
look, I-- I'm sure

that if your father
were here he would...

he would be teaching
you all the things

that a young man should know.

Yeah? Before or after
he tell me about the time

he went to Arizona
for his asthma?

What are you saying?

You know... Pa.

When he went to Arizona
for his asthma?

Only he didn't have
asthma, did he?

Who told you this, Phil?

Phil the talking mule?

It's the truth, isn't it?

Lenny, your father
made a mistake, one.

One mistake in his entire life.

And he paid for
it until the day he died.

But she took him back.

For you, not for her.

God.

Lenny, your father
was a good man.

But he was human
like the rest of us.

The rest of us?

You too?

Me? [laughs]

No, no not me,
I'm all talk Lenny.

Yeah I fly to the women
but I never touch,

your mother knows that.

And I would never do anything
to let her have any more pain.

You sure don't mind
my pain too much.

You kick me outta
my house for the summer.

No... I didn't kick you out.

I needed...

the three of us needed...
time to adjust.

Plus you were... so crazy
with all of your...

your... [lips rolls]

interests.

I don't know, I figured...

I figured maybe you could
learn a few things by...

by spending time with a pregnant
woman and an Italian stud,

I-- I don't know.

Yeah.

Sorta like summer school.

[birds chirping]

It's a good call.

I learned a lot.

Ah... me too.

I learned that...

I don't wanna be your father.

Oh yeah?

Why not?

Because your father
was Sid Levine.

And I can't be Sid Levine
even If I wanted to be.

No one could replace him.

No one.

I'm an honest preacher.

I don't put my thumb
on the scale.

And I never lie to anyone.

So I need you to trust
me when I tell you this,

I love your mother

and I will always
be there for her.

And If you let me...

I'll be there for you too.

[slow music]

I'd like
to be your friend, Lenny?

I'd like that a lot.

[slow music continues]

So uh...

how does that sound to you?

[slow music continues]

Yeah.

Sounds pretty good.

[slow music continues]

Good.

Good.

Now can we please
talk about sex?

[laughs]

Yeah, sure what
do you wanna know? [both laugh]

Listen, listen,
I bought you this.

I bought you this book.

It was written by two doctors...

and it has everything in there
that a-- a young man...

should know about uh...
oh everything.

[birds chirping]

Uh, Lenny listen uh...

don't tell your mother
about all this, okay?

[birds chirping continues]

Thanks.

A thing I can never understand
about Moore Polinsky...

is why my father liked him?

That day... I figured it out.

Than I ran all the way
to Hetty's house.

[boy] It was fall.

[Lenny] Well he was on his
way home but...

uh he got a flat tire.

And by the time Hetty
and I got to her house

Phil showed up.

And Hetty actually delivered
the baby in the car?

-Yes.
-You think your bike is a mess?

Eww!

Well... I guess now
that the baby's born

old Phil can start
getting laid again.

Yeah too bad he can't stay
around another couple of days.

Try to watch.

Actually they won't
be able to have intercourse

for the next six weeks.

Why not?

Well her cervix
is still dilated.

And there is a high risk
of uterine infection.

Although intercourse
is prohibited,

there are still other forms
of sexual activity to engage in.

Philititis, Congolious and uh...

even anal intercourse.

Although I find that
personally distasteful.

Probably the best way
for them to deal

with the sexual
deprivation is...

uh... you know,
general foreplay.

And uh... If Norma's up to it,

manual stimulation
of a potters organ.

[birds chirping]

A hand job.

Oh.

Lenny, where did you
learn all of this?

Ah... I just picked it up.

Did you know
the reason a man walks

next to the curb
when he's with a woman?

It's because back
in the old days

the horse carriages
used to come by

and splash mud on to the women's

large hoop skirts.

[slow music]

Go back to the part about
manual stimulation.

I had read that book
from cover to cover.

I was a walking
sex encyclopedia.

I completely dazzled.

It was a perfect
time to say goodbye.

Well it's it guys, I gotta go.

[slow music continues]

When am I gonna see you again?

I'll be back to visit the baby.

And uh... Norma invited me
for thanksgiving dinner.

[slow music continues]

It's not uncommon for some girls
to start their menstrual cycle

late into their teens.

It's perfectly normal.

You'll be fine.

Thanks.

So where's uh...

[slow music continues]

It's been great having
you around this summer.

Lenny, I'm gonna miss you.

I'll miss you too.

Maybe when you come back,
I can see you around sometime?

I mean... without
Robert and Joce.

I'd like that...

a lot.

[slow music continues]

And then...

she took off her glasses.

There was something
in that book that I'd just read

that says sometimes women
can initiate stuff.

I'm pretty sure Alice
was initiating it.

[slow music continues]

Until then... I only kissed
people 'cause I had to.

Like my grandmother.

This was the first time
I ever really kissed someone

because I wanted to.

And it felt... really good.

I told Alice that of all
the things we did this summer,

this is what I remember
the most about it.

And then I realized
I had to tell

someone else the same thing.

[birds chirping]

I knew I should be thinking...
that I could never forgive her

but the most important
thing about Hetty Callya

wasn't what I'd
seen last night.

I just wasn't really
sure how to tell her.

[slow music]

Hey you're leaving, huh?

Yeah.

I guess the house
is gonna be pretty crowded

with a new baby and all.

Yeah I guess. [chuckles]

[Hetty] Lenny...

I'm so sorry about last night.

[birds chirping]

[slow music]

Hetty... I'll always like you.

Always.

[slow music continues]

I mean hey...

I don't have any other
friends whose uh...

fathers are poets.

[slow music continues]

[exhales]

You promise you'll
come back next summer?

Yeah will you uh...

promise me you'll
add less water and more beer?

[chuckles]

Listen... I wanted
to give you something

before you left but...

now I kinda feel
like money would be an insult.

Is there anything you want?

You know like a baseball
glove or something?

[birds chirping]

-So what's for dinner?
-Anything you want darling.

I don't know maybe uh...
a nice tossed green salad,

um... mashed potatoes and uh...

maybe a nice,
juicy sirloin steak.

I know a butcher who can cut
a beautiful piece of sirloin.

Yeah? Great.

Just uh...
don't cut from the ends.

[engine starts]

Most of my friends
believe that Santa Claus

gave me those
Christmas cookies.

But I was pretty sure they'd
believe me when I told them

I talked with girls about sex.

Write a porno comic book,
made friends with my stepfather,

hit the trifecta and wiped
a potato a country mile.

But I know kids
from the Bronx...

and when you tell them
you spent the night

drinking beer
with a beautiful woman

who models bras,
they'll say prove it.

Okay, I can do that.

♪ One two three o'clock
Four o'clock rock ♪

♪ Five six seven o'clock
Eight o'clock rock ♪

♪ Nine ten 11 o'clock
12 o'clock rock ♪

♪ We're gonna rock around
The clock tonight ♪

♪ Put your glad rags on
And join me hon' ♪

♪ We'll have some fun
When the clock strikes one ♪

♪ We're gonna rock around
The clock tonight ♪

♪ We're gonna rock, rock, rock
Till broad daylight ♪

♪ We're gonna rock, gonna rock
Around the clock tonight ♪

♪ When the clock strikes two
Three and four ♪

♪ If the band slow down
We'll yell for more ♪

♪ We're gonna rock
Around the clock tonight ♪

♪ We're gonna rock, rock, rock
Till broad daylight ♪

♪ We're gonna rock, gonna rock
Around the clock tonight ♪

[rock music]

♪ When the chimes ring
Five, six and seven ♪

♪ We'll be right in
Seventh heaven ♪

♪ We're gonna rock
Around the clock tonight ♪

♪ We're gonna rock, rock, rock
Till broad daylight ♪

♪ We're gonna rock, gonna rock
Around the clock tonight ♪

♪ When it's eight, nine
Ten, 11 too ♪

♪ I'll be going strong
And so will you ♪

♪ We're gonna rock
Around the clock tonight ♪

♪ We're gonna rock, rock, rock
Till broad daylight ♪

♪ We're gonna rock, gonna rock
Around the clock tonight ♪

[rock music]

♪ When the clock strikes 12
We'll cool off then ♪

♪ Start rockin' 'round
The clock again ♪

♪ We're gonna rock
Around the clock tonight ♪

♪ We're gonna rock, rock, rock
Till broad daylight ♪

♪ We're gonna rock, gonna rock
Around the clock tonight ♪

[rock music ends]

[slow music]