Original subtitles

[Lenny] When I was nine years old

my mother gave me some money to put in the charity box,

at Hebrew School.

On the way

I passed the bakery with crisp cookies in the window.

I'm dying to buy one but,

my mother would kill me.

So, I go to school

and put all the charity money in the box.

On my way home,

I stop at the bakery

just to look.

And this guy dressed in a Santa Claus suit

says, "Hi kid, you like cookies?

I got a whole bag full."

And he gives them to me.

When I get home,

my mother sees the cookies

and she says,

"I gave you money for charity

and you buy Christmas food?"

I say, "No, somebody gave them to me."

So she says, "Who?"

"Who gave you the cookies?"

And I say, "Santa Claus".

Well, she smacks me on the back of the head

throws the cookies in the garbage,

and sends me to bed.

The moral is, just because

a kid's story sounds hard to believe

doesn't mean it never happened.

Okay?

Okay.

[background conversations]

Last year when my father died,

everybody in the neighborhood came to pay their respects

to me and my mother.

One of them, Polinsky,

the fat and creepy butcher

had so much respect

that he kept coming back.

First, just for coffee,

then, he started paying

his respects by taking her to a movie

or a Chinese restaurant.

A few months later they went to a hotel in Catskills,

where he respected her for the whole weekend.

[car horn blasts]

A couple of months after that

he married her and moved in with us.

Which is more respect than I could stand.

[children chattering]

My story starts at the beginning of summer.

It was a real hot day

but I was pretty cool.

I was in the meat locker

thinking about my favorite subject...

sex.

When I was so rudely interrupted.

[Polinsky] Lenny?

Lenny Levine?

Now!

Yes Mr. Polinsky?

Do you think that a lovely woman like Mrs. Edelberg, here

should have to schlep a three

pound brisket, plus a whole bag of

groceries from [indistinct],

all the way home, on a hot day?

I'll carry for her.

Really Mr. Polinsky,

it's not necessary

Oh, necessary, necessary?

Is it necessary for you to walk past

Leviton's meat market just to buy from me?

-Hmm? Hmm? -[giggles]

You don't know how lucky you are to have Mr. Polinsky

as your father, oh!

He's not my father.

Hmm, the man who puts food in your belly

and clothes on your back,

doesn't have to be blood to be considered a father.

And who paid off the caterer for your bar mitzvah.

Deeds Lenny. Deeds make a father.

Mrs. Edelberg talks your ear off

then she gives you a nectarine for a tip,

but I didn't mind carrying her groceries home.

It gave me a chance to get out and take in the scenery.

Huh, believe me,

The Bronx has some lovely scenery this time or year!

I cry my eyes out,

but it's worth it makes the brisket.

Not like that watery crap they--

Lenny? Are you listening?

You're always so engrossed,

what are you thinking about that could be so engrossing?

Baseball.

Sex.

Have you ever noticed that a lot of

things that aren't about sex,

remind you of sex?

Lately, everything I see reminds me of sex.

And I haven't even seen real sex.

Not yet.

[jazzy music]

Lenny...

look at this beautiful roast!

I don't want any roast Ma.

I don't understand.

I marry a butcher and suddenly you're a vegetarian.

Is this my punishment Lenny?

Because if it is you're only hurting yourself.

Jewish boys do not eat just vegetables.

You're still growing, you need your red meat.

[door opens] Shh, he's here.

I don't want a scene at the table.

What are you doing?

They are, they um got, got locked together.

[laughs]

Go throw some cold water on them.

So, Lenny, were you um,

charming to Mrs. Edelberg this afternoon?

I told her she had a nice dress.

Oh, good boy, good boy.

That's the secret to a successful business,

always flatter the ladies.

A wink, a smile, a compliment.

Ah Sylvia, you look gorgeous tonight.

[kissing]

Ah, ok stop it. Not in front on the boy.

[giggling]

It was disgusting.

But I was determined

I was going to see two people doing it.

No matter what.

That night while my friends were watching Uncle Miltie

I set out to watch my mother

hump Polinsky.

[drum roll]

[door creaks open] Given the choice

the people I really wanted to see doing it

were Roy Rudders and Del Evans,

but, you've gotta be realistic.

What are the odds of Roy and Del

spending a night in The Bronx.

My Father always said,

"Make the best of what you got."

The best I had that night,

was my mother and the fat butcher.

[noises from the bedroom]

[Polinsky] Sylvia I'm gonna finish.

[Sylvia] Okay. Okay.

[Polinsky] Are you ready? Are you ready--

I couldn't believe it, I just

started and he's already finishing.

[Polinsky]Oh Sylvia!

[handle rattles] [Sylvia] Mr. What's that?

[Polinsky] What, what? I didn't hear anything.

-[Sylvia] That noise! -[Polinsky] It's me, it's

the bed. C'mon!

[Sylvia] That's not a bed sound.

[Polinsky speaks indistinctly]

[Sylvia] I'll be right back.

[Polinsky] Where are you going? Where are you going? Sylvia!

Sylvia! C'mon!

I was in the middle!

[Lenny] Oh shit!

[running footsteps]

[door shutting]

[Lenny] Ow!

Lenny, are you alright?

Yeah, I, I just fell out of bed.

You see? You see what happens when you don't eat meat.

[anticipatory music]

[Polinsky opens the door]

Aw, aw, damn.

I guess I should be grateful that it wasn't Roy and Del

that caught me.

They have guns.

[school bell ringing] [giggling]

[school teacher] Okay, good.

Let's see. Myrna, what do you hope to accomplish on

your summer vacation?

I'm going to Sleepwick Camp in Maine and I'm going

to learn to water-ski.

[Martin] Rich bitch.

Martin Castman, do you have anything to add?

Two and two is four Mrs. Braverman.

-[giggling] -[Martin] I can add that.

Martin, what do you hope to accomplish over the summer?

This summer, Mrs. Braverman, I wanna grow armpit hair.

[laughing]

Accomplish.

To successfully bring about as a result of effort.

To achieve a goal.

You're at the age where you should have goals.

Everybody take out paper and penis.

Lenny.

Lenny? Take out paper and pencil please.

I know, I know, it's the last day of school

but I want you to write down

what you plan to accomplish this summer.

I will give your answers to Mr. Kilne,

and he we ask you to write a paper next year

in ninth grade, on how you achieved the goals

you set for yourself.

Think about it.

What do you want to accomplish this summer?

Make it good.

[soft whimsical music]

What did you write?

I wanna see two people fucking.

[laughs] Mr. Kilne is a real tough teacher.

I hope you spelt fucking right.

I didn't use those words asshole.

I put, get this, I want to witness an act of love.

I thought pussy plastered up the keyhole?

You couldn't even witness an act of ball scratching.

Well, there's a fire escape outside the window,

there's mirrors, there's millions of ways.

I'll figure it out.

I've got the whole summer.

What? What do you mean

I'm going to Aunt Norma and Uncle Phil's house

for the summer?

I thought you'd be happy, they have fresh air.

You can ride your bike without a lot of cars around.

And plenty of vegetables.

Honey, darling your Aunt Norma and Uncle Phil

got a beautiful home in the country.

Ma, it's not the country, it's Queens.

They have a backyard, trees.

I don't have any friends there.

You're a curious little fella, you'll make friends,

besides, they need help in the store.

Why? Why do they suddenly need help?

Hey! Norma and Phil are a nice couple.

They're a lot closer to your age than your mother and me.

Go. Have a good summer.

I won't go and that's final.

[door slams]

[sighs]

[knock on door]

Shouldn't you be doing that over some paper?

[sighs]

This is such a nice room.

I've always loved this room.

Lenny,

please don't do this for me...

do this for your father.

He is not my father.

No, I meant for pap.

Your real father.

You want me to go away for the summer for pap?

He would want it.

He always wished he could afford to send you

to camp or some place nice for the summer.

A place with fresh air, sunshine--

Provolone cheese.

You only have to work in the deli a few hours a day.

Believe me, this will make your father feel so good.

Ma, he's dead.

You know, this isn't even about pap.

It's about that fat, stupid butcher

he wants to get rid of me.

Honey.

Sweetheart.

Nobody wants to get rid of you.

You, me and Mort, we're three people thrown together

in an apartment.

We need time to adjust.

Well fine, send Mort to Queens,

let him adjust.

[soft emotive music]

Please go.

Your Aunt Norma is family.

You're her only nephew,

she'll take very good care of you.

What about Uncle Phil?

You said he's guinea [indistinct]

who plays the horses.

You want me hanging around him?

He's also a good provider for my sister

and that's the part you'll hang around.

And I never said guinea.

I said Italian.

He's an Italian yutz.

Aw.

I knew she meant well.

Plus, Norma and Phil just got married so

there'll be plenty of screwing.

I decided to go.

My Aunt Norma was nice,

but by the time she turned 32, the whole

family was betting that she would wind up an old maid.

Thirty-two?

They must have thrown some party when she got married.

No party. He's not Jewish.

He's Italian Cath.

Seen those really hairy Italians?

Yeah.

Yeah, I heard those guys are real studs.

He's gonna bang her brains out morning, noon and night.

You're gonna write some paper for Mr. Kilne.

[car horn]

Lenny, okay?

Hello Aunt Norma.

Uh ha! I've changed my name Anty Normous, is that funny?

Do I know Italian folklore or what.

That's my new brother-in-law.

Ma, you never told me Aunt Norma was pregnant?

I never told you.

Who am I? Walter Winter with the news?

[laughs] Sylvia.

Darling!

-[giggling] -Hello Sylvia.

Hello Phil, how are you?

Fine. Just fine.

Hey, look at my new car!

I always wanted my baby sister

to be married to a man with a car like that.

It's a veritable dream come true for me, Phil.

Sylvia darling, is that your sister?

The new bride?

You never told me she was pregnant!

I shouted it from the roof top last Thursday.

You must have been out.

Norma, Mrs. Glantz.

Hello, I'm Norma De Lorenzo.

De Lorenzo?

I knew a Mrs. De Benedetto once.

Her husband was a drunk.

-[Norma] So where are his bags? -[Sylvia] Mort's got them.

You have enough to deal with right now.

Hey, Lenny is that your bike?

Yeah, pap bought it for me two years ago

from another kid.

It's em... nice.

I tell you what I think it's scratch up

the automobile, so um...

listen, I've got an extra bike at the store

we use for deliveries, why don't you use that?

-Yeah, I guess so. -Okay, good.

Normie, let's go.

Alright sweetie.

Go easy, go easy.

Lenny.

You're going to have a wonderful summer,

and when you get back things will be smoother,

I promise.

I love you.

Now be a good boy,

and don't let your Aunt Norma work too hard.

Shake hands with...

your Stepfather.

[sad music]

Our little trip to the country

ended on a dead end street

called "133rd Avenue".

[Norma] Oh, this is our home.

No cows, no horses,

no general stores.

It looked like Queens to me.

[laughing]

[Norma] You know what he says Lenny,

I'm a back street driver.

-[Phil] Get out of here alright. -[Norma] Even in the front seat.

-[Norma grunts] -[Phil] Come on, there you go.

[Norma sighs]

So here we are. Home sweet home.

Sweet home, sweet home.

Phil always says that

because all the houses look alike.

Alright you guys get the bags

out of the car, I'll start dinner.

Lenny, sweetie, I hope your hungry

'cos Phil brought home enough food to feed the neighborhood!

Welcome to Queens!

Hey, I've put a radio in your room so you can listen

to the ball game. Do you like baseball?

Yeah.

Yankees, right?

Dodgers.

You're from The Bronx, you root for Brooklyn?

What do you friends think about that?

Okay. Good, this is um, good

I really feel like we're getting warmer here.

Listen...

do you not like me because

your mother doesn't like me

or do you just not like me on your own?

I don't, not like you.

But your mother doesn't like me because I'm Italian, right?

No, she doesn't like you because

you're not Jewish.

There's the difference.

Yeah well that butcher's Jewish

you sure as hell don't like him,

that I can tell! [laughs]

Yeah.

I hate his guts.

Yeah, he's a flaming asshole,

isn't he?

Yeah. [giggles]

I never really knew your

real dad, you know.

Yeah, you would have liked him.

He was a Dodger fan too.

No kidding?

Which team do you root for?

What you're kidding?

This city's got three teams,

the Yankees, the Dodgers and the Giants,

I've only got one Italian deli

whoever I root for I piss off two thirds of my customers

so...

[car boot shuts]

Me? I only root for Italians

Go Rosutto,

go Farillo, go...

Cappinello.

What?

Cappinello's not Italian he's colored.

[indistinct chatter]

What the fuck do my customers know?

Oh shit, do you mind if I say fuck?

I mean, I figured your thirteen you must have

-heard it by now. -I'm almost was fourteen.

No kidding!

-Fourteen? -Yeah.

Do wanna borrow the car tomorrow?

Yeah!

Yeah? Fat fucking chance kiddo.

Get in there, let's go.

[Phil sings in Italian]

Hey Lenny?

Take your BBQ like this in The Bronx son?

Am I right or am I wrong?

How about more sausage?

No thanks Uncle Phil, four's plenty.

And two hamburgers, are you

sure you don't want any vegetables with that?

No thanks Aunt Norma.

Hiya Norma, Phil.

Johnny, how you doing?

Pretty good.

That's my nephew over there Lenny,

Lenny Levine.

Johnny Zarkotoli,

he lives next door.

Until I kill him for jumping

over the fence and ruining my flowers.

Remember I told you to use the driveway?

Johnny go around, go around.

Sorry.

-Hi. -Hi.

Lenny is spending the summer

with us. This is John who works

in Phil's deli.

Off the books.

Yo, err... you know what I'm

gonna take him down the store tomorrow,

show him the ropes, and maybe you can show him around?

Introduce to some of the kids in neighborhood.

I tell you what, Norma let's

go inside and get the dessert then these two guys

can get to know each other alright.

-Good idea. -Alright.

-You getting out of there ok? -Yes.

Hey John,

I've got that strawberry

short cake, you like that right?

Yeah.

Phil's a nice guy.

Must be neat to have him for an uncle.

Yeah, I haven't had him that

long, but I er, I like him.

You know he's not like a regular grown up.

I have two uncles, Greg and Steedy.

Greg's a cheap sonofabitch

and Steedy's a drunk.

You wanna do something after work tomorrow?

I dunno.

What do you guys do around here?

Not much, ride bikes.

I don't have a bike yet

but er, Phil said he's got and extra one in the store.

Oh here it is, I got it, I got it.

It's a piece of crap olla.

Maybe we should just go off to the school yard

and play some baseball.

I'm not that good at baseball, but, uh, how about stoop ball?

Kids around here... don't play stoop ball.

You know, my mother convinced me to spend the summer here.

She said there'd be tons of interesting stuff to do.

You know, just like camp.

Don't you guys do anything interesting around here?

Yeah.

What?

You promise you won't tell Phil or anybody?

Yeah.

I swear.

We have a sex club.

[whimsical music]

Okay... I would do that.

[whimsical music continues]

-[Norma] You okay? -[Lenny] Oh, sure.

-What're reading? -[Lenny] Comic book.

Okay, we're gonna go to bed.

Okay.

Hey, light out five minutes kiddo.

Already. Good night uncle Phil and Norma.

-Good night. -Good night.

They didn't do anything that night.

They didn't hug, they didn't kiss,

they didn't even shake hands, believe me.

I would've heard.

♪ So sweet on the sunny side Of the street ♪

-[sighs] -[Phil] Rule number one.

The customer... is always right.

-[Lenny] Got ya. -Rule number two.

If the customer is ever wrong, what do we do?

Refer to rule number one.

Got ya.

That is a someplace, isn't it?

Yeah... I thought I'd be small, but... it's really nice.

I'm always used to this smell.

Come here, come here.

In a couple of years, the lady next door

in Amelia's dress shop is retiring.

So, I'm going to take over that space and I'm going

to make it super rich. Then who knows,

maybe I'll take over the AMP and live in the avenue.

[Phil] I'm going to call the NMP.

[Phil continues speaking]

Ah, and a quarter pound of Genoa salami.

Genoa salami.

[Crescetelli] Hey, hey! Don't give me the end.

Get a fresh one and cut from the middle.

[mumbles] I'll give her a fresh salami.

You gotta think big boys.

Think big, live big, slice thin.

♪ Doria Dore take your sister Off the floor ♪

Come on, we got to stock.

[Lenny] John hadn't said a word about the sex club all morning.

I decided it was time that work it into the conversation.

So, uh, who's the president?

Hike.

-Who? -President Heisner.

What, do you think I'm stupid?

No, I mean who's the president of the sex club?

We don't have a president.

-You got jackets? -[derisive laugh] Jackets?

[laughs] I got to tell that one to Alice.

Alice! Who the hell is Alice?

[John] Hey, let me just tell you this.

The best thing about working for Phil is the free lunch.

Yeah. I never had a ham in Swiss like this before.

Actually, I've never had a ham in anything before.

Wow! That's a new bike.

Thanks. I got it last Christmas.

Cost me a $100.

Can I ride it one time?

I'm not supposed to lend it, but I'll ask my father.

Yeah, my father died last September.

I know. Norma told me, so I wouldn't say

anything stupid. [car horn honks]

Johnny!

Johnny, I'm late for work.

-Hi Miss Colia. -Sweety, I'm shamefully late.

Get this grocery list to Phil and deliver it to my house.

You know where the key is.

[Colia] And put a spoil boost up in the fridge and--

And the bananas in the freezer, I know.

Thanks.

This is for you.

-Who's the new kid? -[John] This is Phil's nephew

Lenny. He's here for the summer.

Oh. Hi Lenny!

[soft music]

Oh, tell Guido not to cut from the hens.

-Who was that? -Hedy Colia.

Her real name is Hedy Coletti.

-Colia is her model name. -She's a model?

Oh yeah! And a nurse.

But since I've known her, she's mostly a nurse.

But... she used to model bras.

You're kidding. She lets guys take pictures of her boobs

-just like that? -Is that incredible?

Plus she's a great tipper. She gives me a buck

just for delivering her groceries to her house.

So, uh, Johnny...

you're going to put your head in her bra?

[whimsical music]

It's called the weeds. The guy who developed this block

was supposed to turn it into a park.

-But he ran out of town. -Too bad.

-How far is Hedy's house? -Oh, about ten feet.

[Lenny] Your kidding! She models bras

-and she lives on our block. -My block.

You're just here for the summer.

[Johnny] Six and seven.

Seventh pot from the left.

You're going to split that dollar with me

for helping you deliver these groceries?

Yeah, but I'm charging you ¢50 for a tour of the house.

Wow!

[Lenny] It's like a magazine. Never seen furniture like this

in real life.

Come on.

Hey, peel these and put them in the freezer.

What do you think she does with these?

I think she eats them.

Yeah, well I think she likes them big, fat and hard. [laughs]

I hope she likes them circumcised.

[both giggling]

Oh, oh!

[soft fantasy music]

-Oh my God! -It gets better.

Oh my God!

-Tits. -[Johnny laughs]

Oh Lenny! I want to have sex with you so much.

I'll have to think about it.

[Johnny] Oh please, take me back to Brooklyn with you.

It's the Bronx.

[Johnny] I don't care. Just give me a big orgasm.

-A big what? -[laughs]

-Come on, we got to go. -Where're we going?

Alice's house.

[whimsical music]

What's the matter?

OK... OK, what to do you actually do in the sex club?

-We talk about sex. -With girls?

Yeah, they know a lot.

Especially Alice. She told me a ton of good stuff.

-Is that all? This soft? -Yeah.

You could show Alice your dick if you want.

She always asks if she could see mine.

-Did you show it to her? -No.

It's not ready to be seen.

Mine either.

[Lenny] John never told me there'd be two of them.

I figured out it must've been the one with the reddish hair.

Because the girl with the glasses didn't look

like she knew anything about sex.

Boy! Did I get that one wrong?

-Hi John. -Hi, this is Lenny.

Lenny, this is Alice Moran and Barbara Staburweenie.

[angrily] Sabatini.

-Hi. -Hi.

Lenny, you're the one who's staying

with the De Lorenzo's for the summer right?

Right. How did you know that?

She knows everything about everybody.

Her mother own a beauty parlor.

All the women talk about their personal lives.

Your aunt Norma blabbed all about you.

What did she say?

You live in the Bronx, your father died, you're Jewish.

-And you masturbate every night. -[giggles]

I do not.

I do.

[both chuckling]

[Lenny] Did you see what I mean?

I never met a girl who even said masturbate.

This one did it and told you about it.

I got excited. You know, excited.

So, uh, who's in this club?

Just me and Barbara and any other boy that we see

-can be in it. -So far, we let in John.

And one Ralphie Palumbo, we had to kick Ralphie out,

because he told his mother. [laughs]

Can I be in for this summer?

As long as you understand that we just talk about it.

We don't do it. We're catholic.

Especially Barbara. She's very catholic.

I-I don't do it either.

I wouldn't want to get anyone pregnant.

You couldn't get Barbara pregnant anyway.

-She hasn't had her period yet. -Alice! God!

Her what?

Her period.

Oh God! Doesn't this kid know anything?

Walk! Lenny, I can understand you don't know a lot about sex,

but this is something we learnt in seventh grade hygiene.

Hey, I took shop in seventh grade, OK.

You tell me what a period is and I'll teach you how to build

a magazine rack.

[laughs]

Every month, women have a menstrual cycle

and they bleed. It's also called the curse.

What do you mean bleed?

Do you at least know what a vagina is?

Yeah. I mean, Jews call it something else,

but uh, if you want to use the medical term.

That's where women bleed from.

Are you sure this isn't just like a local thing?

Because I don't think women in The Bronx have curses.

I would've heard about it.

-[giggles] -No, it happens to all of them.

It means your eggs dropping and you could get pregnant.

I got mine at 12.

Barbara's 15, she's dying to get it.

Sounds awful. Why would you want it?

Could we talk about something else, please?

Alice, tell Lenny about the time you saw your parents doing it.

Doing it?

When I was ten years old, I woke up

in the middle of the night and I went to their room.

They were doing it in the machinery position.

The machinery position?

Wow! I didn't know Catholics had their own position.

What's it called when Jewish people do it?

[both laugh]

Machinery position is for everybody,

it's when the mans on top and the women's on bottom.

What did I tell ya?

She know all kinds of stuff like that.

Uh, excuse us a minute.

[girls giggling]

What does she mean it when the man goes on top?

The man goes on top!

There's different ways to do it. Sometimes the woman

can be on top.

Hey, come on, let's go.

[Barbara and Alice whispering]

-So, what did it look like? -I already told you.

No, no, no, I mean, what did it look like?

Um... I couldn't watch for too long,

because I didn't want to get caught.

But it doesn't look like a bee upon eating a flower

which is what they tell you.

It's more like a wrestling match on TV.

Only they're naked and it's not two men

and there's no referee.

I guess you have to see it for yourself.

I'm gonna. I'm going to watch Norma and Phil.

-Whoa! -Probably tonight.

-No, you're not.

I'm so. I got it all planned out.

Norma and Phil can't do it anymore.

Of course they can. He got her pregnant, didn't he?

Norma told my mother last week, her doctor said,

she couldn't have anymore intercourse till after

the baby's born.

-What? Why not? -I know why.

Because the baby will bite off Phil's dick from the inside.

[laughing]

That's not it.

If you screw after the seventh month,

you're going to get contractions and the baby

could be born premature.

Is she right?

Oh my God, no!

[sighs]

[upbeat jazz music]

[Lenny] What a set back!

Lucky for me. The rest of the summer was going great.

I really like my new uncle.

[upbeat jazz music continues]

Phil taught me lots of stuff he said it was important

for men to know.

His advice was always clear and easy to understand.

Alice taught me lots of stuff too,

but her advice was a little fussier.

Women can have two kinds of orgasms.

Real or fake.

How do you tell the difference?

[Alice and Barbara laughing]

So, what's the big deal if you see two people doing it.

It was my goal for the summer.

And my father always told me, "Set a goal for yourself

and stick to it."

He says it's the only way you're going to get

ahead in life.

So, does it have to be Norma and Phil.

No.

Why don't you sleep over at my house one night?

Maybe, my mom and dad would do it for you.

If they knew it would help you get ahead in life.

Thanks a lot.

What did your dad do?

He sold shoes at Thom McAn's.

[John] That's a pretty good job.

Yeah, but I don't think it's really what he

-wanted to do. -How do you know?

Maybe, his goal was to look up at lot of women's dresses.

Guys, you got to come with me.

What's up?

Emergency sex club meeting.

Barbara's got something to show you.

-[Alice] It just happened. -She got her period, no!

-I don't want to see it. -No, it's not that.

It's.

[fast paced music]

-[Alice] Look at this. -[John] Oh my gosh!

[Lenny] Look at this, oh my goodness!

Look at her, look at her!

Oh my gosh! Where did you see this?

I was putting away the laundry and I found it

in my father's sock drawer.

John look at the size of those tit.

I bet stab you whinny with like tits like those.

[Lenny] I can't believe it. A comic book were

all the characters are screwing and humping in everything.

Mr. Sabatini must've had it tried on 100 superman's

for this one.

-[Alice] Jeez! -Oh!

If the church had found out your father had this,

he'd been excommunicated.

-He's a real pervert. -I wish my father was a pervert.

Turn the page.

Jeez! Look at the boner on that guy.

-Careful, don't crip it. -[woman] Hey, you kids!

What're you guys up to?

[all] Oh, nothing, nothing!

I'm on the night shift this week,

so keep the noise down.

-Okay. -Alright. Good night.

-[all] Good night. -Let's get out of here.

[Barbara] Alice, what am I going to do with this thing?

[Alice] Just put it back in your fathers drawer.

[girls chattering]

What?

[soft music]

Oh my God!

[Lenny] When I looked up and saw her reflected

in those mirrors... I knew right then there was a God.

And he had led me to the promise land.

Before the summer was over, I was going to watch

Hedy Colia bang her brains out.

And I knew exactly how I was going to do it.

Shh.

Come here.

What did your mom say?

My mom doesn't do Hedy's hair but she does Ms. Samuel's

-who exhort Hedy. -So, what did Ms. Samuel say?

Ms. Samuel says-- god I feel like Nancy Drew,

-girl attacked him. -Alice come on.

Mrs. Samuel says that Hedy is romantically active.

I bet that means she puts out.

Thank you John.

-Who with? -Some guy whose car

has MD empty license plates.

-I bet he's a doctor. -A doctor?

Why didn't I think of it? Thank you John.

Okay... so I know she's doing it.

Do you know when?

Yeah Lenny, we asked for her screwing calendar

and she gave it to us.

[man hems]

She probably does it at night. That's when they all do it.

Okay, we'll figure it out.

But in the meanwhile I found this book.

-Bird watching? -Yeah.

The larger breasted Hedica lady bird.

[music playing]

[Lenny] A quarter pound of Genoa salami.

And four slices of Swiss cheese, thin.

But now from this side, too many holes.

Thank you Mrs. Crescetelli.

And may I say, you look lovely today.

Thank you Lenny. I wish everybody treated

their best customer so nice like you.

-Hello Ms. Colia and may I say-- -Oh, let me guess.

I look lovely today. Me and Mrs. Crescetelli.

Uh, actually... you look better.

Huh-uh. Let me see if you're as good as slicing ham

as your baloney.

I'll take half a pound of boiled ham, please.

Got it.

So, you're enjoying your summer?

Uh, yes Ms. Colia.

I think you can call me Hedy.

Oh. Yeah, I'm having a great summer, Hedy.

-But uh, I miss school. -You do?

Yeah, I love studying.

[Lenny] I mean, I already know what I'm going to be

when I grow up.

-Yeah. -A doctor.

-Huh. No kidding, my boyfriend is a doctor.

Really? What kind?

OBGYN.

Obgyn? What's an obgyn?

No. OBGYN, Obstetrics and Gynecology.

-[Hedy] He delivers babies. -Cool.

I-I'd love to meet him.

Oh, he's coming to the block party on Saturday.

I'll introduce you guys.

His name is Dr. Flynn, Donald Flynn.

Alright.

[Lenny] It was looking good. I figured a guy who knew

how to deliver babies.

Probably knew a thing or three about how to make them.

Here you go Hedy. May I say, you look lovely today.

Oh, you're good, you're very good.

See you later.

-[Phil] Ciao Hedy. -[Hedy] Ciao.

[Lenny] I had the perfect plan.

And I was ready for the block party.

I just didn't figure on the block hit.

Lenny! Was I right or was I right?

Hello Phil with your cigar.

[Sylvia] Was I right that you'll have a fabulous

vacation. You look gorgeous.

-[Mort] Phil, how're you? -Hello, I'm Lenny's mother.

-You must be a new friend. -I'm John.

-Nice to meet you Mrs. Levine. -It's Mrs. Polinsky.

-What's your last name John? -He's not Jewish mom.

I only promised you'd make friends.

I didn't specify racist, religions or creeds.

Hey, uh, you bought a car uh?

So, uh, what do you think Lenny?

-It's a green Chevy. -Hope you like green Chevy.

This is your new car.

-Can I drive it? -In a couple of years.

The it's your new car.

-How was the ride? -It was horrible.

-Traffic? -He doesn't drive it correctly.

[Lenny] Come on John, we go to go.

-Bye mom. -Come in the house

and freshen up. Not that you need it.

If you do as good with this child

as you're doing with Lenny, you'll be in the mother's

-hall of fame. -He misses you both like crazy.

I'm so glad you could come.

So Phil, what's the shindig about?

You see those weeds down at the end of the block?

We're going to raise a little money to make a nice park.

So, tell me about Lenny's summer.

He's a great kid. He's a big help with the store too.

He's made friends, he took up bird watching.

Birds! Since when does Lenny like birds?

He's serious too. He even borrowed my binoculars.

Binoculars?

Good ones too. You're out 16 bucks if he drops them.

[casual music]

[laughs]

Why, that little pervert!

[upbeat music]

-Where have you guys been? -Lenny's parents showed up.

Not parents, mother and some fat jerk

in a green Chevy.

-Where're the binoculars? -[Lenny shushes]

-I hid them in the weeds. -Can me and Barbara watch

with you?

You want four people taking turns looking

into her bedroom window? You know what,

why don't we just open up a booth and sell tickets.

Yeah Barbara, I bet your father would pay. [laughs]

Look, alright, if it works this time we'll bring you guys

-with us next time. -What makes you think

I even want to?

Yeah.

Women.

[Hedy] Johnny, Lenny!

[background chatter]

You guys ready for desert?

Desert! What do you have?

Charlotte Russe, only ¢20.

You made these? They're great.

I bought them at Amsterdam's bakery.

Don't tell anybody.

[clears throat]

So, uh, where's your friend, Dr. Flynn?

Oh, I thought he'd be here by now,

but he had a baby to deliver.

-Hello! -Hi.

[Hedy] I'm Hedy Colia. You're new in the neighborhood?

No, no, just visiting. Mort Polinsky.

[Mort] I'm uh... I'm Lenny's stepfather.

That's a lovely outfit you have on, Hedy.

And your... cream puffs looks delicious.

Thank you.

Lenny darling, Norma wants you and John to help at her table

for a while so she can rest.

Uh, ma, this is my friend Hedy Colia.

How do you do? Sylvia Polinsky.

Hi, you have the sweetest son.

-He's so helpful. -[Sylvia laughs]

Hello.

-Hi. -Hi.

It's a girl. Six pounds, ten ounces.

-[Hedy] Oh! -And I'm starving.

-Look. -Ooh!

[laughs]

Oh.

Don, Don, this is John and this is Lenny,

the young man I was telling you about.

-And these are his parents. -[Flynn] Nice to meet you, hi.

So, you want to be a doctor, huh?

Lenny, a doctor?

Pinch me! It's wonderful, since when?

Ma, please.

Oh-oh Sylvia, they're playing a song, come on let's mambo.

Lenny I'll catch you later.

[jazz music]

[Lenny] I wonder what they're saying?

[John] Probably, oh baby, baby, baby! Let's do it now,

so Lenny and John can watch.

Do you want to dance?

Sure.

[Lenny] I don't even know how to dance.

I just wanted to get closer to Hedy.

You're being a real jerk about Hedy.

What do you mean?

I don't understand why it's so important to see her screwing.

Shh, she'll hear you.

You already saw lots of screwing in Barbara's father's book.

Comic books don't count, Alice.

I think you should wait until...

Till what?

I don't know... till you do it with some girl.

I mean, you're sort of good looking.

I bet some girl would do it with you.

What girl?

I don't know any Jewish girls. I go to catholic school.

She could be catholic.

I... well... catholic girls don't do it.

Lenny!

Wish me luck. We got to go.

-Oh! There they are. -Lie down.

They can't see me.

[John] Lie down! What if we get caught?

What would they do, beat us with a frozen banana?

You're going back to the Bronx in a month,

but I still have to live here.

-I'm getting out of here. -You're such a pussy.

You're never going to have a chance like this again.

-You're right. -Yeah.

I'm a pussy. See you later.

[Lenny] Come on, turn her around.

Turn around.

Oh my gosh!

-Hey! -[screams]

Come on out of there!

What the hell were you doing in there?

-I was watching for birds. -It's night time.

-I always watch for owls. -Owls?

Yeah.

Hoodious, Twistious, Anakus.

Come on, give me those binoculars.

-Don't drop it. -Okay.

What was that kid looking at?

[whimsical music]

That little peeping Tom.

Hey you pervert!

[laughs]

-You're sick. -No, no, it was--

That's some example to set for your son.

Hedy told me you got fresh with her.

Fresh? I gave her a compliment.

Cream puff ah? I'll give you cream puff

-you sick bastard. -Please, let me explain.

-Just want to say one thing. -Be my guest.

[gasps]

[sighs]

I brought you some more ice.

-Oh! -Darling.

Oh! Sylvia, Sylvia, look.

The ice is killing me, enough already.

Oh my god!

Can I get you a drink or something?

No drinks.

[Sylvia] First, I want to find out what happened.

You want to know what happened, I'll tell you what happened.

I went looking for Lenny.

So, I went to that jungle where you're going to build

a park and I found him.

Down more to the ground with those binoculars.

So, I turned around to see what he was looking at and...

bam, I got hit in the eye with a tree branch.

[Norma and Phil giggle]

One day in the country and you get hit in the eye

with a tree branch. Thank god you didn't take

your eye out.

[laughs] Poor boy! I feel terrible for you.

What could I say?

I'm a city guy not a country boy.

[groans in pain]

I learnt my lesson. Don't worry.

Never happen again

[all laughing]

[Lenny] Unbelievable. It was the first time

he ever really shocked me, but it wasn't the last.

[music playing in the car]

-Why didn't he wretch you out? -I don't know.

-He didn't even tell Phil? -He didn't tell anybody.

Maybe, he's not such a bad guy after all.

Yeah and maybe if your mother screws howdy doody

she won't get splinters.

Hey, watch what you say about my mother.

Sorry.

Dirty comics is about the only sex you're going to see

this summer. -I already got a plan.

-You want in on it? -Are you crazy?

I don't even want to know what it is.

What is it?

A move in to the inside.

Inside! Inside the house? You'll never get away with it.

-Yes I will. -You'll get caught.

No, I won't.

I'm going away.

-What?

I'm going to visit my mother in Rhode Island.

Before I go, would you like to get into my pants?

What?

I said, while I'm away would you water my plants.

Uh... yeah sure.

-For how long? -Two weeks.

[Lenny] After she left, something weird happened.

I couldn't wait for her to get back.

Not because I wanted to see her having sex,

but because I just wanted to see her.

♪ Our love ♪

♪ Is a dream, But in my reverie ♪

♪ You can see the distance Was made ♪

♪ For me ♪

♪ Only a poor fool ♪

♪ Never schooled In the whirlpool ♪

♪ Our romance could be So cruel ♪

♪ As you are to me ♪

♪ My love is as worthless ♪

♪ As tin to me ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ Life will never begin to be ♪

♪ Please love me ♪

♪ As you love me In my reverie ♪

♪ Make my dream a reality ♪

♪ Let's dispense With formality ♪

♪ As you loved me ♪

♪ In my reverie ♪

-Hey. -Hey, Hedy.

What's a girl got to do to get a little service around here?

How was your vacation?

Oh, Paris is a vacation. Rhode Island is just

out of town.

You look amazing.

What, I didn't look amazing before?

-You look amazing as usual. -Uh.

-What do you need? -What I need is a vacation,

but um, for now, let me see, let me get a,

-a pound of chopped meat. -Okay.

A half a pound of plum tomatoes and um...

let me get a large bottle of that olive oil.

[Phil] Right. What do you make, a sauce?

[Hedy] No, meatloaf.

-[Phil] You make meatloaf? -[Hedy] Ya.

I make a good meatloaf, Phil.

[Phil] What you're going to serve it with?

[Hedy] I don't know.

-Lenny! Lenny! -[Lenny] I'm on the crapper.

Lenny, she's back.

[muffled chattering]

-Hurry up! -[Lenny] I'm wiping.

She's leaving.

Oh my god!

[car engine splutters]

Hedy!

-Hedy, Hedy, Hedy! -Lenny.

-Hi. -There you are. Hi.

What's up?

Oh, nothing. Um... I just wanted to let you know

that your plants, they're all fine.

Oh! I was going to pay you as soon as I--

-No, it's not that. -No, here, take this.

Thank you very much.

Hey, you're welcome.

So, uh, how's Dr. Flynn?

I don't know. I haven't seen him in two weeks remember?

I'll tell him you were asking for him when I see him tonight.

-Bye. -Bye.

Tonight? She's meeting him tonight!

I better be as horny as hell.

He'll be horny as hell?

[Lenny] Hmm, aunt Norma, you make the best meat loaf.

-I'm stuffed. -Thank you.

Are you sure you don't want to come with us?

Hey, it's Marilyn Monroe, Seven Year Itch.

He knows. He's the one who told me about it.

Ah, that's okay. I'm going over to John's house.

We're going to build a model layer plane.

-Alright sweety, see you later. -[Lenny] Bye.

Bye.

[Lenny] I had come so far since that night I tried

to sneak a peek through the keyhole

of my mother's bedroom. I was now a professional,

an artist.

As day became night, and I slid into the closet

opposite Hedy's bedroom.

I knew I had checked every detail.

A plan for every possibility, except the one.

Total catastrophe.

-Why were you being like this? -I'm not being like anything.

[Flynn] I'm being me, me upset, me confused.

[bangs] But all me.

And now me is getting my stuff.

-I didn't say no forever. -This wasn't screwing.

But you said for now twice. I don't have forever Hedy.

I don't know why I have to be such an ass.

If I'm not enough for you now, then I never will be.

I waited all night in a closet for this?

[Hedy] I don't know.

I was the one getting screwed.

[Flynn] Because I cannot wait around for you to figure it out.

No, god forbid.

You know, you're right. Just go.

[Flynn] I don't accept that Hedy, I do not.

Don't you make me out the bad guy here.

[Hedy] Oh, no, no, no, you're a great guy.

You're all just wonderful great guys.

Now, will you just get the hell out of my house.

Just take your crap and go.

I'll see you on the ward sometime... nurse.

[footsteps receding]

[door opens and shuts]

[singing softly]

[Lenny] GI Joe says that the best place to hide

is in plain sight.

Who said comic books aren't educational?

Lenny?

Lenny, are you alright?

Oh!

What? Where am I?

-Oh Hedy! -Lenny, what're doing here?

I came in this afternoon to deliver your groceries in.

Whoa! I was really tired... I just sit down for a minute.

What time is it?

♪ Forever my darling ♪

Mmm. Hmm, meatloaf.

I love meatloaf.

What would you like to drink?

Beer is fine.

One beer coming up.

[bottle cap snaps]

How old did you say you were?

Uh... [clears throat] 15. [sniffs]

[indistinct music]

[water vibrating in bottle]

Here you go.

Cheers!

[bottles clink]

[moans]

How'd you like it?

Oh it's delicious, uh...

Rein Gold, it's uh... it's my regular brand.

♪ I'll never part from you ♪

Well this is a wonderful surprise, I um...

I was hoping for some company tonight.

I uh... I thought you had a date with Doctor Flynn?

Yeah I did but um...

he had to get back to the hospital, so.

Oh.

Actually um... Doctor Flynn and I won't be dating anymore.

What happened?

Oh, grown up stuff.

♪ You need love And hope ♪

[bottle vibrates]

♪ Making you happy My Desirety ♪

Do you have a girlfriend Lenny?

Who me? No.

Not yet. I... I mean I could, I'm ready.

Well when you get one uh... little advice,

plan a life together, okay?

Don't just show up with a time table and an ultimatum.

You might even ask her what she wants for her life,

you know her hopes, her dreams.

[sighs]

[sighs] I'm sorry.

One beer and off I go.

That's okay.

Grown up stuff.

♪ I still remember ♪

I hate Polinsky!

Who?

My mother's husband, Polinsky.

Look, I just wanna let you know that I'm glad

Doctor Flynn punched him 'cause I hate his guts.

♪ I never forget ♪

Oh, you knew about that, huh?

♪ And so sad ♪

I wasn't gonna say anything.

No, no, you can say anything you want about him.

He's not my real father.

My real father died last year.

[huffs] Then my mother got crazy and married him.

Well I guess we have a lot in common then.

My father died when I was 12 and...

my mother remarried two years later.

Al.

I hated his guts.

[indistinct music]

You did?

How come?

Well...

you know how some men can do...

not nice things to young girls?

Well... Al was a not nice man.

[indistinct music continues]

My real father though...

he was the most nice man.

Mine too.

What did your father do?

You know the Chrysler Building in Manhattan?

He was um... the building manager there.

What'd your father do?

Uh... he sold shoes at Tommacan's.

Oh yeah?

My father used to buy shoes at Tommacan's,

I wonder if they ever met?

Ah... probably not, it's a big chain.

[lips smack] When I was little...

my father...

sometimes used to take me up to the roof at night.

The city is so magical from the top of that building.

All the lights below would sparkle like...

like diamonds and rubies and emeralds.

And...

my father would...

sweep his hand across all the glittering lights

and he'd say...

' 'Every little twinkling star in the city

is looking up at you.

Because you are brighter and better ...

and more beautiful by far .

[slow music]

Like a queen .

The queen of the Chrysler Building .''

[slow music continues]

[exhales]

And...

and then one day he was gone.

And the roof was gone and...

the stars were gone and...

and there was... there was Al.

[slow music continues]

And not much else.

But... who knows, maybe I was right.

About what?

He said...

He said, "Your father... made you out

to be something special.

Miss high and mighty.

But you know, you're nothing.

You're nothing but a god damn janitor's daughter."

[slow music continues]

My father worked for this guy, Hirum.

Every time I went down to the store

he was always crabbing.

He hated selling shoes.

He said it was stupid.

And pointless and only a failure would do it.

I asked my father if that's how he felt?

He said, "Everyday people come in...

I spend 10, 15 minutes with them

then they walk out in my shoes."

He said, "They work, they play,

they travel, they live their lives.

But don't sell shoes, Lenny, sell journeys."

[slow music continues]

Your father was a poet.

Yeah... so was yours.

But you just told me that he sold shoes.

Well...

I didn't know I was talking to the queen

of the Chrysler Building.

My father sold journeys.

[slow music continues]

We ate some frozen bananas and...

we talked some more about our fathers.

And about the Dodgers and...

how we're both still hurting from Bobby Thompson's

home run 1951.

[slow music continues]

She explained that my regular brand of beer

was actually called Rinegold.

And she even taught me the Rinegold jingle.

By 10 o' clock, I was madly in love with her.

By quarter after...

I wanted to ask her to marry me.

[slow music continues]

[crickets chirping]

[laughs]

Listen, thanks for keeping me company.

You're very sweet, Lenny.

I wish I knew someone like you when I was...

[lips vibrate] teen.

[laughs]

[lips smack]

Goodnight.

[crickets chirping continues]

[Lenny humming]

♪ My beer is Rinegold The dry beer ♪

♪ Think of Rinegold Whenever you buy beer ♪

♪ It's refreshing Not sweet ♪

♪ It's the extra dry treat ♪

♪ Why don't you try Extra dry ♪

♪ Rinegold beer ♪

That's it?

You drink beer and she kisses you with her hand?

I could do that with my grandfather.

Have fun.

So now what are you gonna do?

About what?

How are you gonna see her screwing

if she broke up with her boyfriend?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

I couldn't watch her screwing, I have too much respect for her.

So like, guess she's now kind of like a big sister to you.

Sister?

No, no. She's the girl of my dreams.

[sigh] I couldn't watch her have sex,

it would be like watching uh...

queen.

Excuse me?

Stup--

I have to go vomit.

[upbeat music]

After that, she came to the store almost everyday .

Guido thought it was because of his new after shave lotion

but uh... I knew the real truth.

She couldn't live without me.

[man over radio] New showers will be coming this afternoon

will come a little later and a lot harder.

Severe storm warnings are in effect

until midnight tonight, so find someone to cozy up with.

It's gonna get nasty.

Here's a cozy lady, JP Morgan,

and that's all I want from you.

Yesterday we had two delivery boys.

Today we got none.

What the hell they do, run away with Hetty Callya?

[chuckles] Them boys don't stand a chance with her.

You see the way she looked at me? [chuckles]

Sure.

She's a nurse, she can't believe your still breeding.

[groans]

Where's John?

Hey Johnny, he went home to see his grandmother.

That leaves one delivery boy.

Delivery boy we got but delivery bike, he's busted.

♪ From you ♪

Busted?

♪ Don't let ♪

[laughing]

[indistinct chatter]

[honk]

I got five to one you don't know what the hell you're doing.

Yeah I thought I did but maybe it's better one piece.

Yeah that's what they say about career.

All right just leave it there for tonight, huh?

Okay.

You can drive me home.

I can't, I got tons of paperwork.

Why don't you walk home, be good for ya?

It's two freakin' miles.

-Hi. -Hey.

What's two freakin' miles?

My bike's busted and he won't drive me home.

Oh... I'll take you, I'm on my way home now.

Only after those night shifts, come on.

Here. [horns honking]

Oh, Phil...

do you got candles?

Candles, yeah I got 'em.

I gotta get a dozen.

No, stay right there. I get 'em for ya.

Candles uh... you having a romantic dinner?

[sighs] Yeah.

Hardly.

It's supposed to storm tonight and if it rains,

I don't wanna be alone all right in the dark.

I could keep you company?

Oh, that's actually the best offer I've had all week.

But um... I think I'm gonna go to bed early tonight,

so I'll take a rain check.

Okay?

Here we go, here we go.

Candles for Miss. Callya.

Chocolate cupcakes for aunt Norma,

see if you can keep her mused until I get home

about nine o'clock.

Okay.

-See ya. -Bye.

Hey?

When's Norma due?

Couple of weeks.

Uh...

you gonna be there or am I gonna be walking halls by myself?

Well with an invitation like that,

how's a girl supposed to say no?

[engine revs]

Ciao .

[engine revs]

[crash]

[rumbles]

It was a dark and stormy night

and Lenny grabbed for her queen and...

that's it.

[humming over radio]

Are you all right?

[chuckles] Yeah.

I'll feel better when Phil gets home.

Uh...

I nailed in the first two games but I was close in the third.

Hey, wanna cut 'em?

Cut 'em thin and they shred away.

Think big, live big,

cut thin.

Lenny?

I think my water just broke.

What?

Sorry.

Embarrassing.

[gasps]

I think that you should...

ow, I think that you should call Phil, okay?

Just call the store.

I think I better go to the hospital.

Ow.

It's not going through.

Cut in, just tell the operator to call and cut in.

There's no dial tone, what should I do now?

Ow!

Just get Phil, just get on your bike and get Phil!

[exhales] Hurry!

You're gonna be okay.

Tell him to hurry!

[pouring rain]

[lightening crashes]

[slow music]

[crash]

[slow music continues]

[swish]

[screams]

[thud]

[crash]

[rock music]

[banging]

Hetty!

[rock music continues]

[slow music]

[rumbles]

[slow music continues]

[rumbles]

[suspenseful music]

[breathes heavily]

[heart beating]

[breathing heavily]

[heart beating continues]

Phil...!

♪ Will you be my only ♪

♪ Well for For me ♪

♪ Oh I love that girl ♪

♪ Love that girl ♪

♪ Hold me baby Squeeze me ♪

♪ Never let me go ♪

♪ I'm not taking chances ♪

♪ Because a lot of lovers Suffer for me ♪

♪ Yes I love her ♪

♪ Yes I need her ♪

♪ Oh I love that girl ♪

♪ Love that girl ♪

[bang]

[birds chirping]

I uh... squeezed some fresh orange juice.

Want some?

I tried to call you from the hospital last night but...

phone was out from that god damn storm.

Salute!

[glasses clink]

I'm a father.

You're a mother.

[birds chirping continues]

How did you deliver the baby in a car last night?

Was a close one Lenny, if it wasn't for you.

I didn't even wanna think about what would've

happened to Norma or the baby.

I owe ya, big time.

Someday I'm gonna pay you back.

Yeah, it's okay.

[sighs]

Let me tell you something about Italians,

when they say they're gonna pay you back,

they're not asking you.

One day I don't care where, I don't care when.

You come to me, you say, '' Philly I'm collecting. ''

I don't care what it takes.

You got it, I swear.

My mother's grave.

[sighs]

Now that I got that off my chest,

I wanna talk to you about the other party last night.

Whatcha saw at Hetty's house.

Yeah, I don't have anything to say.

Yeah but I do.

I made some notes 'cause I wanna get it right.

[sighs]

Lenny, it's not easy for some guys

to keep their dick in their pants.

That isn't the first thing I wanted to say

but it is the most important.

Okay, okay, whoa, whoa, whoa kiddo.

Look, I'm sorry.

I mean... I almost wish Norma would've caught me

instead of you.

All right that's stupid, look at me,

yeah how stupid is that, right?

I just wish that you were older.

That way you could understand what happened last night.

Oh, I understand.

I thought you loved aunt Norma?

I love your aunt Norma.

But last night, I-- I just, I just had this urge.

Okay guys, they get urges.

You can't, I mean they can't, the kid...

Christ!

I'm glad I had a daughter so Norma can do this

when the time comes.

Look Lenny, there's a difference between love and sex.

What happened last night [smacks] was only sex.

That's all it was, it was perfectly normal.

No, no I don't believe that humping Hetty Callya

while your wife is having a baby is normal.

So my timing is off all right,

didn't anybody tell you about the facts of life?

Men are men, they have needs.

-It's cheating! -Everyone screws around.

Even your own father.

Polinsky's not my father.

My father?

[whispers] Ah... shit.

Pop?

I'm sorry... I forgot you don't know anything about this.

What?

What don't I know?

Nothing, I'll tell you when you're 20 or 30.

He's my father, tell me!

Look, there are somethings you cannot tell.

Your mother would hang me from a lamp post.

Now listen, this subject is closed, agabish!

[birds chirping]

Speaking of your mother, yo--

Your hands are looking like chopped meat,

they need to be bandaged.

She'll have a heart attack.

I think Norma's got something over here in the cabinet.

Hey Phil?

Yeah, what is it?

I'm collecting.

[sighs] [bang]

[whispers] Mother of God.

No, Phil you swore. Tell me now!

About five years ago your father had an affair.

What was her name?

[sighs]

Queen fucking Elizabeth Lenny, I don't know her name.

Meaning he had a woman on the side, he knocked her up

and he paid for the abortion.

You know what that is?

Anyway he almost got away with the whole thing

but this woman...

she got pissed off.

She shot her mouth off to your mother

and that pretty much put a dent in your...

parent's marriage.

She kicked him out and he went to Arizona.

Yeah.

I remember that.

He said it was because of his asthma.

Yeah well it was because of...

Anyway, the upshot is that he talked his way back in.

She never...

slept in the same bed with him again or anything.

Did she... still love him?

I don't know kid, I--

I doubt it.

I mean she got married pretty fast after he died, right?

Now listen and don't go talking to her about this today,

don't bring it up, you hear me?

I mean she's coming in to see the baby.

Yeah well uh...

when she leaves, I... I think I'm gonna go with her.

Summer's almost over anyway.

[birds chirping]

I knew how sorry he was, he hurt his family.

And he knew that I still loved him.

No matter what.

We just couldn't say it.

At least not that day.

[indistinct chatter]

[engine revs]

It's a girl, it's a girl!

Hi mom.

My God Lenny, what happened to your hands?

I fell off a bike.

Did you break anything?

Just the bike.

I'm okay.

It only looks worse than it is.

Thank God you didn't fall on your face.

I hope you're taking better care of your daughter

than you are of my son?

Oh, nice to see you again, Sylvia.

Phil, mazel tov . Congratulations!

How are Norma and the baby?

They're both fine, she'd be good.

I think Norma would want to name her after our mother,

Sara Rebecca.

Well actually, we picked a name.

Philamina Theresa Dilorenzo.

-Nice. -Yeah.

And what if it was a boy?

Jesus Christ Almighty Dilorenzo?

-Can I get you a cup of coffee? -No.

-Do you have any [indistinct]? -Yeah.

How am I gonna explain in temple I have a blood relative

named sister... Philamina Theresa Dilorenzo?

[birds chirping]

Congratulations.

For what?

You've uh--

mind if I sit?

Babies. [hoots]

[chuckles]

Lenny uh...

did anyone ever explain to you about the...

birds and the bees?

Yeah, we had in biology.

Bees sting and birds crap on ya head.

[birds chirping]

I know you don't like me

but uh... look I'm aware that...

that boys your age are very curious about things.

Women... love.

[whispers] Sex.

[sighs] You know look, I-- I'm sure

that if your father were here he would...

he would be teaching you all the things

that a young man should know.

Yeah? Before or after he tell me about the time

he went to Arizona for his asthma?

What are you saying?

You know... Pa.

When he went to Arizona for his asthma?

Only he didn't have asthma, did he?

Who told you this, Phil?

Phil the talking mule?

It's the truth, isn't it?

Lenny, your father made a mistake, one.

One mistake in his entire life.

And he paid for it until the day he died.

But she took him back.

For you, not for her.

God.

Lenny, your father was a good man.

But he was human like the rest of us.

The rest of us?

You too?

Me? [laughs]

No, no not me, I'm all talk Lenny.

Yeah I fly to the women but I never touch,

your mother knows that.

And I would never do anything to let her have any more pain.

You sure don't mind my pain too much.

You kick me outta my house for the summer.

No... I didn't kick you out.

I needed...

the three of us needed... time to adjust.

Plus you were... so crazy with all of your...

your... [lips rolls]

interests.

I don't know, I figured...

I figured maybe you could learn a few things by...

by spending time with a pregnant woman and an Italian stud,

I-- I don't know.

Yeah.

Sorta like summer school.

[birds chirping]

It's a good call.

I learned a lot.

Ah... me too.

I learned that...

I don't wanna be your father.

Oh yeah?

Why not?

Because your father was Sid Levine.

And I can't be Sid Levine even If I wanted to be.

No one could replace him.

No one.

I'm an honest preacher.

I don't put my thumb on the scale.

And I never lie to anyone.

So I need you to trust me when I tell you this,

I love your mother

and I will always be there for her.

And If you let me...

I'll be there for you too.

[slow music]

I'd like to be your friend, Lenny?

I'd like that a lot.

[slow music continues]

So uh...

how does that sound to you?

[slow music continues]

Yeah.

Sounds pretty good.

[slow music continues]

Good.

Good.

Now can we please talk about sex?

[laughs]

Yeah, sure what do you wanna know? [both laugh]

Listen, listen, I bought you this.

I bought you this book.

It was written by two doctors...

and it has everything in there that a-- a young man...

should know about uh... oh everything.

[birds chirping]

Uh, Lenny listen uh...

don't tell your mother about all this, okay?

[birds chirping continues]

Thanks.

A thing I can never understand about Moore Polinsky...

is why my father liked him?

That day... I figured it out.

Than I ran all the way to Hetty's house.

[boy] It was fall.

[Lenny] Well he was on his way home but...

uh he got a flat tire.

And by the time Hetty and I got to her house

Phil showed up.

And Hetty actually delivered the baby in the car?

-Yes. -You think your bike is a mess?

Eww!

Well... I guess now that the baby's born

old Phil can start getting laid again.

Yeah too bad he can't stay around another couple of days.

Try to watch.

Actually they won't be able to have intercourse

for the next six weeks.

Why not?

Well her cervix is still dilated.

And there is a high risk of uterine infection.

Although intercourse is prohibited,

there are still other forms of sexual activity to engage in.

Philititis, Congolious and uh...

even anal intercourse.

Although I find that personally distasteful.

Probably the best way for them to deal

with the sexual deprivation is...

uh... you know, general foreplay.

And uh... If Norma's up to it,

manual stimulation of a potters organ.

[birds chirping]

A hand job.

Oh.

Lenny, where did you learn all of this?

Ah... I just picked it up.

Did you know the reason a man walks

next to the curb when he's with a woman?

It's because back in the old days

the horse carriages used to come by

and splash mud on to the women's

large hoop skirts.

[slow music]

Go back to the part about manual stimulation.

I had read that book from cover to cover.

I was a walking sex encyclopedia.

I completely dazzled.

It was a perfect time to say goodbye.

Well it's it guys, I gotta go.

[slow music continues]

When am I gonna see you again?

I'll be back to visit the baby.

And uh... Norma invited me for thanksgiving dinner.

[slow music continues]

It's not uncommon for some girls to start their menstrual cycle

late into their teens.

It's perfectly normal.

You'll be fine.

Thanks.

So where's uh...

[slow music continues]

It's been great having you around this summer.

Lenny, I'm gonna miss you.

I'll miss you too.

Maybe when you come back, I can see you around sometime?

I mean... without Robert and Joce.

I'd like that...

a lot.

[slow music continues]

And then...

she took off her glasses.

There was something in that book that I'd just read

that says sometimes women can initiate stuff.

I'm pretty sure Alice was initiating it.

[slow music continues]

Until then... I only kissed people 'cause I had to.

Like my grandmother.

This was the first time I ever really kissed someone

because I wanted to.

And it felt... really good.

I told Alice that of all the things we did this summer,

this is what I remember the most about it.

And then I realized I had to tell

someone else the same thing.

[birds chirping]

I knew I should be thinking... that I could never forgive her

but the most important thing about Hetty Callya

wasn't what I'd seen last night.

I just wasn't really sure how to tell her.

[slow music]

Hey you're leaving, huh?

Yeah.

I guess the house is gonna be pretty crowded

with a new baby and all.

Yeah I guess. [chuckles]

[Hetty] Lenny...

I'm so sorry about last night.

[birds chirping]

[slow music]

Hetty... I'll always like you.

Always.

[slow music continues]

I mean hey...

I don't have any other friends whose uh...

fathers are poets.

[slow music continues]

[exhales]

You promise you'll come back next summer?

Yeah will you uh...

promise me you'll add less water and more beer?

[chuckles]

Listen... I wanted to give you something

before you left but...

now I kinda feel like money would be an insult.

Is there anything you want?

You know like a baseball glove or something?

[birds chirping]

-So what's for dinner? -Anything you want darling.

I don't know maybe uh... a nice tossed green salad,

um... mashed potatoes and uh...

maybe a nice, juicy sirloin steak.

I know a butcher who can cut a beautiful piece of sirloin.

Yeah? Great.

Just uh... don't cut from the ends.

[engine starts]

Most of my friends believe that Santa Claus

gave me those Christmas cookies.

But I was pretty sure they'd believe me when I told them

I talked with girls about sex.

Write a porno comic book, made friends with my stepfather,

hit the trifecta and wiped a potato a country mile.

But I know kids from the Bronx...

and when you tell them you spent the night

drinking beer with a beautiful woman

who models bras, they'll say prove it.

Okay, I can do that.

♪ One two three o'clock Four o'clock rock ♪

♪ Five six seven o'clock Eight o'clock rock ♪

♪ Nine ten 11 o'clock 12 o'clock rock ♪

♪ We're gonna rock around The clock tonight ♪

♪ Put your glad rags on And join me hon' ♪

♪ We'll have some fun When the clock strikes one ♪

♪ We're gonna rock around The clock tonight ♪

♪ We're gonna rock, rock, rock Till broad daylight ♪

♪ We're gonna rock, gonna rock Around the clock tonight ♪

♪ When the clock strikes two Three and four ♪

♪ If the band slow down We'll yell for more ♪

♪ We're gonna rock Around the clock tonight ♪

♪ We're gonna rock, rock, rock Till broad daylight ♪

♪ We're gonna rock, gonna rock Around the clock tonight ♪

[rock music]

♪ When the chimes ring Five, six and seven ♪

♪ We'll be right in Seventh heaven ♪

♪ We're gonna rock Around the clock tonight ♪

♪ We're gonna rock, rock, rock Till broad daylight ♪

♪ We're gonna rock, gonna rock Around the clock tonight ♪

♪ When it's eight, nine Ten, 11 too ♪

♪ I'll be going strong And so will you ♪

♪ We're gonna rock Around the clock tonight ♪

♪ We're gonna rock, rock, rock Till broad daylight ♪

♪ We're gonna rock, gonna rock Around the clock tonight ♪

[rock music]

♪ When the clock strikes 12 We'll cool off then ♪

♪ Start rockin' 'round The clock again ♪

♪ We're gonna rock Around the clock tonight ♪

♪ We're gonna rock, rock, rock Till broad daylight ♪

♪ We're gonna rock, gonna rock Around the clock tonight ♪

[rock music ends]

[slow music]