Original subtitles

What happened, Tom?

Don't know.

She was feeling pretty sick with this diabetic thing, and after eating all

cakes, and then... Yes?

Well, I said a few things to cheer her up, and she went and collapsed,

spluttering all over the place.

What things were you saying?

Not much. Just suggested we ought to get married.

You swine! You're all the same!

What's going on?

Diana's collapsed.

What's wrong with Jane?

Oh, goodness me, she's gone mad.

I asked her to marry me.

That will explain it.

Diana, let's hope it's nothing terminal.

That's the alarm clock, dear.

Shut up!

That's 43 alarm clocks this year.

Who are you?

Sorry, dear?

I said, who are you?

Me? Yes, you.

Who am I? Yes.

Well, I'm me, dear.

Your husband, Geoffrey, father of your children. Well, presumed father of your

children.

I didn't go to bed with you last night. I think you'll find you did, dear. If

you check your diary, I think you'll find it was definitely me you went to

with, hence me being here this morning.

I went to bed with a hell of an angel.

He was called Fat Boy.

Fat Boy Higgins.

Marion, that was... See?

There's his jacket.

And there's his big chopper.

What? His motorbike. Oh, look, his glasses.

His bandana. Marion, Fat Boy Higgins, the hell's angel, was me.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

It was me. I was done with him. In disguise.

I don't believe you.

Come on, darling, let's go do something dirty.

Do shut up.

Someone told me I ought to change a bit, you know, make myself a bit more

interesting. Oh, I want Fat Boy.

I want the man who lay me over his pillion at midnight.

It was me.

Oh, don't be so silly.

You're just an incredibly boring old piece of wood.

Oh, thank you, dear. I want Fat Boy. Oh, I'm crazy about Fat Boy.

He's what I've always wanted.

A real man? A man who smells?

Yes, Marion.

It's all very well. Oh, shut up! Get me Fat Boy! Oh, Fat Boy, do bad things

to me!

Fat Boy, eh?

This could get very tricky.

Thank you.

We've all got our problems. We don't inflict them on everyone else.

Just a touch of vocal noise or I'll tie knots in your tubes, OK?

Hold your breath.

Thank you.

Back to sleep.

you're doing.

I'm so sorry. I wonder if you could turn your sound down.

I've got me headphones on. Yes, I can see that, but unfortunately they don't

work. That nasty tinny sound is still seeping out all over the place and it's

giving me the screaming idiots.

So will you please turn it right down or I will be forced to break your

remaining limb.

Stuff you, Grandma.

Well, apart from being a diabetic old crock full of spare parts, I am in this

hospital because someone, who I thought was in favour of my well -being, decided

to give me a very severe shock.

Really? Who was that?

It was you, Tom.

You suggested we get married.

And that knocked you over?

Well, surely as if I'd stuck my fingers in a light socket.

What did you think you were doing?

I was falling... Over with a massive blood sugar cut. I was feeling like

and you come along and start making extremely bad jokes.

It wasn't a joke. No, I know precisely.

I know you. That's what made it so horrible.

You meant it.

Yes, I did.

And what's wrong with the proposal?

What's wrong?

What's wrong?

Yes, what's wrong?

What's wrong?

Yes. Well... Well, if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you.

So there.

Good morning.

And how are we this morning?

We are feeling how we usually feel when we are half dead and we want to go home.

Well, I think that's probably a good idea.

And so does a young motorcyclist and gentleman whose lungs have recently

collapsed.

Brenda.

Get Geoffrey Ballard on the line, will you, please?

Geoffrey?

I've got to go to our Luton branch, so I want you to stand in for me at the bank

meeting.

Don't take any nonsense from them.

I know we're a bit over the limit, but I'm relying on you to show them what a

strong and responsible company we are.

Count on you.

I hope we can.

Off you go, then.

Just let me get this straight.

You have been pursuing Harvey for many years, right?

Correct. But now that he wants to marry you, you don't want to marry him.

Right. But why? He's all you've ever wanted.

Strange, but true.

It's his motive.

He wants to marry me because he thinks it'll help him get into the golf club.

Well, at least it's not just to get into your knickers.

Oh! I mean, that really would be frightening.

He's a very handsome and charming man.

So is Michael Winner.

Morning, all.

Hello there, Master Bain. How are them things up in the big house with all them

fine white folks?

Yes, thank you, Jenny. You can go now. I want to talk to Jane.

Yes, boss.

I'm just going to make a big jug of the mint julep for you and Miss Scarlet.

Yes.

Why

does

she always do that to me?

Not true, Jane.

I'm a deeply sensitive and caring man.

In fact, I am so sensitive and caring that I sometimes don't tell people about

certain things in case it upsets them.

But shall I?

Well, no, I was going to tell you, but no, I can't. It would be too painful for

you. OK, suit yourself.

Yes, I'd hate anyone to suffer on my behalf.

Oh, glad about that.

So I'd better not tell you. No.

Unless, of course, you really want to know.

Oh, Jane, for God's sake.

Oh, what is it, Harvey?

I'm dying.

Oh, no, there, I've said it. Oh, how terrible of me.

Oh, believe me, I never wanted to tell you about this rare... ..tropical

that is eating away at me and is quite incurable and will probably send me to

lonely and unloved grave in about three weeks' time.

Oh, dear, I didn't want to let it out. I'm so sorry, Jane.

Sorry. It's all right.

There's something else I want to tell you.

Well, Harry.

I, uh... I thingy you.

You what?

Thingy, you know.

What you feel before you're supposed to get married.

What, Harvey?

Love.

What? I love you. What did you say?

I love you, you death prat!

You love me? Yes, so we'll get married, okay?

Wedded to Christ, not you.

But what's he got that I haven't?

Oh, Diana, you're back. How wonderful.

The Lord be praised.

It's been so long.

It's been since yesterday.

Get off, Jane.

Diana, how wonderful to see you.

A little cloud has been hovering over Bayview since you were gone. Even now I

can see it slipping away and the sun shining on us once again.

I don't know, sure.

I wonder, could I have a word with you both?

Have you sold our apartment?

Are you ready?

Go on, get on with it. What are you doing?

I have to prick her finger to take a small sample of blood which I test for

insulin level.

Yes, get on!

I've done it. What?

Wasn't I brave?

Now, we wipe it on here, see what colour it goes, and then check against the

chart. And, uh, oh, what's happened to Harvey?

Harvey's died.

Let's bang a stake through his heart before the sun comes up.

What are you doing? That'll fix him.

My almost Armani suit.

What do you want, Harvey? Apart from checking to see if I'd snuffed it.

Anna, you talk as if I didn't care deeply about you.

He must be in trouble.

Still Jane, is it? Yeah.

I told her I was dying, and she said she couldn't give a damn.

Wonderful girl.

Well,

it's as much as we're all dying from the moment we're born, but not necessarily

this week.

You mean you tried to calm her again. I told you to declare your love and not

bamboozle her. I did. I took your advice. I told her I loved her. But

still going on about marrying Jesus.

I mean, what am I going to do?

Get yourself a pair of sandals and grow a beard.

Now, listen, Harvey, I have spoken with Jane on this. Well, now, what does she

want? Well, not you. She told me she would prefer to marry a three -toed

than a two -faced prat.

Thank you, Diana. Why do I bother to come here? Why do I even bother to talk

you? I don't know, Harvey. Probably just makes you feel good.

Harvey, what you have to do is to find out...

what Jane sees in Jesus, and then graft that on to your revolting personality.

You might be right, Tom. You might just be right.

I'll go and have a quick flick through the Bible.

Now what have you done? You'll turn him into a Jehovah's Witness.

Maybe I should try the same thing.

What?

Maybe I could find out what your heart really desires and provide you with it.

See how that works. Tom, I am home now. I'm okay. The current crisis is over.

We're just going to get back to normal.

I am going to pretend that you never suggested that we dramatically alter the

status of our relationship.

Don't be afraid, Diana. I suggested marriage.

What is so fearful about the idea of marriage? I'm an old -fashioned girl.

If I married you, I wouldn't be able to sleep around anymore.

Diana, be serious.

Oh, I am.

You're not.

I think it's a nice idea. Well, I don't. The whole concept of marriage makes me

want to vomit my cornflakes up the wall.

Why? Because it does, OK?

That's not an answer. Yes, it is.

I think you're scared.

Oh, save me from the clichés, Tom. I'm 110 years old. I have done everything.

I am not scared of anything.

Except one thing.

What's that?

That my varicose veins get out of control and blow up like huge snakes

strangle me in the night.

You can't deflect me with your silly jokes.

Who said it was a joke?

I think it would be the right thing for us to do.

Why? Because it's a statement.

To whom?

To the world.

We will be standing up and saying to the world, we are one.

We have travelled along life's bumpy highway... And more, much more than

we did it our way.

Oh, give me strength, Tom.

Listen, I have no desire to make a statement to the sodding world.

Wouldn't be interested anyway. Except a few people who might say, oh, isn't it

sweet, marriage at their age?

I mean, I wouldn't mind getting a divorce at my age. Now, that would show

adventurous spirit.

You have to be married.

To get a divorce?

No, Tom. No, bust up, Benito. Clam up or I'll shove a bookcase down your throat.

Now then, how's my test?

Incident level, fine.

Bio level, through the roof.

I think you'll find that these figures of our projected sales, added to the

-on contracts currently being renegotiated by us, will show you that

has a very healthy future and is definitely in safe and sure hands.

What did you say?

I said I want to get me a woman.

Let's see what I've got.

Do you want a winter woman or a summer woman? I want a Diana woman.

Very sensible.

Always stick to women of the same name.

Then you don't have to worry about yelling out the wrong name in moments of

passion.

I've got a Deidre, a very fine shot -putter.

No, no, I want Diana, my Diana.

I want to marry her.

I've got a Dorothy, a very good psychiatrist.

Tom, Tom, Tom, you were right. You're brilliant.

Oh, good.

What have I done?

What you said about getting to Jane, where she's at, you know, all the God

stuff. Well, I've come up with a totally brill idea.

Well, let's hear it. Well, maybe I should join the same firm.

What firm?

Well, the God firm.

Yeah, well, if Jane's going to join the church, well, then maybe I should too.

I can't be hearing this.

What's wrong? Tell me he didn't say that.

What's wrong?

I think I make a great priest.

I mean, black's always been one of my favourite colours.

And what about celibacy? What do I care about fame?

I said celibacy.

Sex. Priests don't do it. Really?

Well, how do you get all those little priests?

And what about Reverend Dennis? I mean, he had a wife before she ran off with

his bell ringer.

He was a vicar, not a priest. Well, OK, I'll become a vicar.

No point in getting married if you're not going to get your nookie, eh?

Harvey, vicars and nuns come from different churches.

Well, they socialise, don't they? You know, inter -church footy matches,

and tarts parties.

Oh, Harvey, I'm sure they do. So just trot off and become a vicar and I expect

Jane will just fall into your arms. Great, fantastic. I knew it would work.

send off with the brochures.

Bless you, my son.

Oh, dear, you see, it's easy.

That's the trouble with this asylum.

You can never work out who the loonies are.

Well, thank you so much for your instructions, Sister Sheila.

I will continue with my Bible studies.

And make my decision in God's own time.

You do that, my little treasure. And whatever decision you make, you have our

full support.

And that of the good Lord.

Now, I'll see you next Wednesday.

Oh, thank you. Goodbye.

Julie Andrews.

Hello.

How are you today?

What do you think they're putting in the water around here?

I beg your pardon? Well, everyone's gone marriage mad.

Harvey wants to marry Jane.

Jane wants to marry Jesus.

Now, even old Tom... Yes?

Never mind.

Don't tell me.

Tom has proposed.

Well, now, isn't that wonderful?

My congratulations.

Mrs. Silly, I haven't accepted him. I sent him off with a very large flea in

ear.

Really?

And why did you do that?

Well, why do you think?

Well, I haven't the first idea.

Well, you should have. And why's that?

Well, because you're a nun.

Oh, so I should understand what's going on in your head. Yes.

Well, maybe I do.

Don't you bring God into this or I'll let your tyres down.

I think that maybe you're not 100 % certain why you sent Tom Packing.

Nonsense. So what were your reasons?

Well, because I just don't want to marry the old dog. Oh, for... Why not?

Because. Because?

Yes, because.

See, I told you I knew my reasons.

Maybe you could be a little bit more specific.

Yes, well, I can't.

If I could, I wouldn't be talking to you.

I mean, I don't even believe in you people outside the sound of music.

It is a little bit of fear, maybe.

Oh, don't you start. I'm not afraid of marriage. I mean, what's to be afraid

It's not final.

Oh, if it doesn't work out, you can always strangle your husband and rent a

one.

And I take it you're not worried about, well, about the wedding night?

No, no, I think I can cope with that.

I've had about five million rehearsals.

There's not much else to do in countries where you don't understand the telly.

Are you afraid of happiness, then?

What?

Some people, the Puritan ethic can be overwhelming.

Some believe that you pay for every minute of happiness with two minutes of

misery. Cobbler's.

Not really.

Especially in your case.

I mean, being unhappy is your... Well, it's your whole pool.

If you ever had to admit to being happy, it would probably make you really

miserable. I don't know what you're talking about.

I think you do.

Anyway, I can't sit here trying to divine what's going on in your head.

I've enough trouble working out Jane's problems.

She's not really going to become a nun, is she? Well, that's between her and her

God. All I do is try and shed a little light on the way.

You're such lucky people, aren't you?

All your questions long since answered, all your problems covered with one

little word.

Faith. Is there something wrong with faith?

Dunno. Never had any.

And now I'm...

rattling towards the old six -foot hole in the ground.

And you're afraid?

No. No, not at all.

I'm not anything. I'm just... Well, I'm indifferent.

It'd be nice to know what it's all been about, but I'm not that fast.

Well, well.

If that's what it's like not to have faith, then you're right, Diana.

I am very lucky.

Bye, Diana.

Oh, I think I'll go to Rome. Buy a Lamborghini.

Head for Switzerland over the Alps, come tearing through the St Bernard Tunnel

and just miss the bend.

15 ,000 feet sailing through the air before I hit the bottom should give me

to sort a few things out.

What did you think you were doing?

What do you think you were doing?

And take that beard off when I'm talking to you!

Sorry, Mr Nicholls.

I mean...

You could have sent the company to the wall.

We needed that loan.

We were going to get it.

It was a formality.

Until you turned up, dressed us up.

What are you, anyway?

I'm a hell's angel.

I'm called Fat Boy Higgins.

Who? Fat Boy.

Do call me Fat.

Geoffrey!

I'm going to put this...

He's a bit worried about you.

Is it your marriage again?

I know your marriage to a rather exotic woman.

No, no, things between me and Marion have never been better.

She said I'm a changed man.

She's not wrong, is she?

No, no, I suppose she isn't.

Trouble is, Geoffrey, there's not a lot of room for Hells Angels in the

wonderful world of yoghurt and cheese slices.

Really?

Especially when the said Hell's Angel frightens the life out of Yogurt's

bankers. I am sorry.

I'm sorry too.

After all, it has been, what, 23 years.

What are you saying?

I'm going to have to let you go, Geoffrey.

What?

You mean I'm fired?

You can't do this to me.

Just take it easy.

Fat boy.

Don't do anything you might regret.

Hey!

I'm sorry.

You're some kind of a mean dude, man.

I mean, like... You know.

Yes.

Yes, I'm sure you're right.

Why don't you get help, Geoffrey?

Bad trip, man.

Bad trip.

Well, why don't you try taking the bus?

Bye, Jeffrey.

That's fine.

This diabetes thing's a doddle. I can't see what all the fuss is about.

Hello, Diana.

Can I come in? No.

Thank you.

What do you want, Jane?

I have been sent.

By old Scuttlebrain?

No, not by Harvey.

I have been sent by the Lord.

Oh, Ada.

And what does the Lord want?

Oh, I don't know.

To borrow a cup of sugar?

He has been waiting. Working through Sister Sheila.

She said you were a soul in torment.

And if you wanted to crack it as a nun, you'd better start by working on me.

Something like that.

You know that you're doomed to failure, so why bother?

Couldn't you help me out by doing one of those, you know, miracle conversion

type things?

Turning into Saint Diana of Bayview.

Has a nice ring to it.

No, Jane, no. I think I'd fail the practical.

Well, not many things go round poisoning pigeons and tormenting librarians.

I'm never going to get it right.

Why don't you sit down, Jan?

Oh, dear.

It's all so difficult.

Life and thingy. Thingy?

What thingy in particular?

Men and women thingy. Oh, you mean sex.

No, I don't. I mean the whole thing thingy.

confused. I don't know if I'm coming or going, or if I've ever been.

And this is the fault of men.

Just one man.

Well, Jane, for once in our lives, you and I are in the same bucket.

A man is driving me round the loop, too.

Just at a time in my life when I thought I had all the answers to all the

questions, he goes and asks me a new one.

And it's one I never thought I'd be asked again.

So I'm all of a niggle, too.

That's probably why men exist.

To give a stomach upset.

Yes, it is in the stomach, isn't it, that funny feeling?

Oh, yes.

Yes. I used to get that when I saw Harvey's hair oil stain on his pillow.

I thought it was love, but it was probably thingy. Yeah.

Thingy. Bloody thingy.