Original subtitles

Are you on the booze again?

Sure am, Ollie.

What is it this time?

Vodka.

I've decided to drink a bottle of vodka every morning until I die.

Which will be about next Wednesday morning.

With a bit of luck.

I've booked you an appointment with the doctor.

You what?

10 .30.

Forget it.

You're going.

I'm not.

You have an abscessed foot that won't heal.

You're always thirsty and your waterworks are all over the place.

Do you mind?

I hear you in the night, up and down, up and down, tinkle, tinkle, little star.

How dare you monitor my weeing?

There's something seriously wrong with you, you silly old bat.

Nonsense.

I am just getting old.

I'm older than you are, and you don't hear me splashing about all night.

great at the quack. No, I'm not.

Please, for my sake.

I can't sleep with you rattling the plumbing every ten minutes.

I don't like our doctor.

That's all right. He doesn't like you either.

I'm not going.

Lunch at the Royal?

Don't be mean. Our own private room with the sweets, Charlie.

Oh, go away.

Back Forest Gatto.

Dripping profiterole.

Don't!

followed by passionate thought -making in a bath full of Zabaglioni.

Oh, God.

I give in.

Take me to your quack.

Are you sure I can't help?

Geoffrey, you have asked me six times if you can help me, and I have told you

six times that I can manage quite well on my own. Thank you.

Oh.

I'll tell you what. Why don't we have a really good time this evening and give

Volvo a polish?

I don't think I could stand the excitement.

Have I done something to upset you, Jane? You have broken half his nose.

He slept with my wife. I don't believe that for a minute.

He had Marion's teeth marks in his neck.

They were self -inflicted.

You can't bite yourself in the neck. Look.

See, it's impossible.

do a thingy with Marion, and I'm not saying he did.

It was just his way of trying to win me back.

Oh, I see. He was trying to woo you by sleeping with my wife.

Uh, yes.

Sometimes I get a bit fed up with everybody sleeping with my wife. They

consult me first.

Sometimes I feel a bit left out. I mean, I am her husband.

Well, why don't you keep her locked up in a lead -lined book?

Harvey won you back?

None of your business.

Well, what about us?

There never was an us, Geoffrey.

You are a married man.

But I'm getting a divorce.

There's no such thing as divorce.

Once you have made your vows, that's it. Forever and ever. Amen.

Marion is your wife, and I suggest you go straight back to her and nail the

to the floor.

Excuse me, God, why did you make all women strange?

And some stranger than others, and some stranger than those. And finally, with

all the really strange bits that you had left over, why did you use them to make

the women in my life?

Hey, tell me.

I need an answer.

A postcard will do.

Ow! The foot hurts, does it? No, no.

all. I was just saying ow for the sheer hell of it.

Where is the usual doctor?

He's on holiday.

Oh, yes, that's typical.

Slightest suspicion of a chill and then off to Barbados, burning money and

bouncing up and down with some blonde bimbo.

Of Wales, with his mother.

Same thing.

don't think that would be necessary.

I've got a pretty good idea of what's wrong with you.

Barbed wire knickers.

I thought you said barbed wire knickers.

So, oh, in the immortal words of the late, great Bugs Bunny,

what's up, darling?

Have you been having eyesight problems lately?

Look, we're talking about my foot and my water work.

I don't see through my feet or through my butt. You've got an appointment with

the optician next week. Oh, well.

Might as well cancel it.

What? You mean I'm not going to make it through until next week? Oh, my God.

I meant your present condition is probably affecting your eyesight.

So what is it?

You're tired.

You have urinary problems. You're forever thirsty. And you have an

condition on your foot.

I know. I've just told you that.

Now, you tell me something.

And you're suffering from slightly blurred vision.

Well, what have I got, for God's sake?

This is like a panel game.

What's my disease? Do you have a mystery guest?

Doctor,

I think you have maturity -onset diabetes.

Diabetes? Well, that's too much sugar.

That sort of thing.

Insulin production gone a bit haywire.

I want you to see a specialist.

Meanwhile, here's a diet sheet.

And I'll prescribe you some pills to tide you over.

Does this mean I can't have sex in a bath of Zabaglione?

Mr. Baines, we regret to inform you that your application for membership of the

Chorley Golf Club has been turned down.

And this is the seventh time you have been rejected.

We request that you do not attempt to apply again before the year 2044.

What do you suppose this means, Jane?

It means that you can't apply for 50 years.

They're saying, try again when you're 90.

Oh. Well, at least they haven't turned me down flat.

No, they're obviously dying to have you. I heard on the grapevine it was because

I was a bachelor.

Oh, I heard it was because you were a... Now, what was it? A dreadful little two

-faced Nazi zit who should be buried with a stake through his heart.

Secretary of the golf club.

Not them.

They just couldn't cope with a real live wire. A real live single wire moving in

and stealing all their wives' hearts.

Oh, I expect you're right, Harvey.

So I've worked out a plan, Jane.

Oh, yes?

I'm going to reapply as a married man.

But you're not a married man.

No, but I could be.

How? By getting married, Jane.

Oh, yes?

And who do you think I should marry, Jane?

I don't know.

Oh!

Why don't you pop down the dump and see what discarded sluts you can dig up

there?

Jane! Jane, look at me.

I am.

I'm going to reward you today, Jane. I'm going to give you something that you've

been craving ever since you set foot in this place.

A proper week's pay?

I'm going to give you the greatest gift I could bestow on any woman.

I'm going to give you... Yeah?

I'm going to give you me.

What?

Me, I am giving myself to you, Jane, as your husband.

Oh, Harvey, is this a proposal?

Oh, don't be stupid, Jane. I'm just telling you what's going to happen.

Now, what do you say?

What do I say? What do you say?

I say, I say no.

Good, then that's all settled.

I shall talk to your grandfather about a suitable dowry.

I dare say that between the two of you, you should be able to scrape up enough

money to give me a decent car for our honeymoon.

Or at least my honeymoon.

Well, I don't think that both of us could be away from here at the same

So I thought I'd go off to Palm Springs and play a few rounds with Frank.

What did you say?

I said no.

No? No what?

No, thank you. I do not wish to marry you. Yes, you do. No, I don't. Yes, you

do. You've been trying to tie me up for donkey's years. That was before. Before

what? Before now.

Before I woke up and saw the world in its true light.

Oh, Jane, please don't be tacky.

I might have been left on the shelf, and I might not be quite as sexy as

Michelle Pfeiffer.

It's a silent P, Jane.

Oh, all right, I'll wait till you come back.

Just go on.

But I have discovered of late that I am not totally unattractive. Yes, you are.

You don't mean because that wandering pudding has taken a bit of a shine to

that you now think you're halfway human?

I have discovered a bit of self -respect.

And I certainly wouldn't marry someone who has got to come straight from a

harlot's bed. I have not come straight from Marion's bed. Oh, really?

Oh, I knew it wasn't true.

Oh, tell me it's not true. It isn't true, Jane.

I've been all over the place since then.

Off -licence, chemist, doctors for a rabies shot.

marrying you.

I am marrying someone else. What? Who?

I am taking the veil. Veil? What veil?

The veil of the Lord.

I'm going to be a bride of Christ.

I'm going to become a nun. Don't be so ridiculous.

I can't marry a nun.

Why don't you look on the beach?

Stupid!

I am rejecting you and your offer of marriage.

I don't believe it. She's turned me down.

No -one's ever turned me down.

Oh, yes, they have.

Everyone who was ever any good has turned me down.

Therefore, if Jane has turned me down... My God, but she's a fine woman.

Oh, what did you put in this tea?

Tastes like Nat's widdle.

Artificial sweetener.

Well, I want sugar. You can't have sugar.

Well, get me a cup of gin. It's 10 .30 in the morning and you can't have

anyway. Who says?

It's solid sugar.

OK. Well, get me a shotgun.

If I can't have a decent cup of tea and I can't have a drink, I want a shotgun.

What for?

To pick my nose with.

What do you think?

I want to end it all.

Diana, you're being very silly.

Why don't you stop all this doom and gloom and not getting out of bed and

up and come outside and smell God's good air and see the glory of his heavens?

Ali bloody Lolia.

Listen, you silly old spongebag. I have got maturity -onset diabetes.

Do you know what that is? It is an old people's disease.

It's the next nail in the coffin.

It's another grey signpost on the way to the graveyard.

Oh, Diana.

Don't you see what's happening to us, Tom? It's creeping up on us.

Your heart, my hips, your prostate, my diabetes.

I mean, what are we waiting for, an embossed invitation?

Can't you hear him? The grim reaper is yelling his message loud and clear.

Come in, you two, your time is up. Moving on.

Next stop, senility, death and oblivion.

I don't think you really see the fun side of this.

Hello there. Anyone home?

Here's Jamie. He'll cheer you up. In here, old chum. Do you mind? I'm in bed.

Oh, dear God.

I'm obviously too late.

She looks terrible.

It strikes so quickly.

What is it, me old love?

Kidney failure?

Oh, Jamie.

Or is it the old gangrene?

The last time I knew someone with diabetes, they started with a gangrene,

they went on to the kidney failure, and then they went blind.

But it was the heart attack that really finished them off.

Anyway, just thought I'd pop in to cheer you up.

This chair is quite unnecessary.

If I'm going to die and go to hell, I'm not bloody well walking there. You're

letting it get out of all proportion.

heard what Jamie said.

Oh, for goodness sake. He was also the man who said that Margaret Thatcher

be Prime Minister.

Tom. What?

Margaret Thatcher was Prime Minister.

Oh, yes.

So she was.

He does know we're here, does he?

I mean, we haven't slipped through into some other dimension and become totally

invisible.

You're going to be all right. Stop fretting. I'm not fretting.

I just don't want to spend my final days being ignored. Oi!

Well,

how long have I got?

Uh, 15, 20 minutes.

Oh.

For goodness sake. He meant for the appointment, not for your knife.

I know that.

I was joking.

You were not. You're terrified.

No, I'm not.

So, how long have I got?

To do what?

But Olivia, fathead, why do you think they're here?

When do I go into the coma?

Miss Trent. And what about the injections?

I mean, diabetics are always spiking themselves up all over the place, aren't

they?

I can't do my own injections. I can't. Anything else but not the needles.

Miss Trent, it's not that sort of diabetes. It's mild diabetes. No

With a bit of luck, we can control it with diet and exercise.

See? Well, you mean I'm not going to go blind or get gangrene?

Old wives' tales, dear.

I don't know what they taught you in your day, but your average Anglo -Saxon

still in the dark ages when it comes to knowledge of modern medicine.

We like to have something to get our knickers in a knot about.

Plenty of that when you've spoken to Eleanor, my lovely dietician.

Believe me, she'll ruin your day.

Of course, there are a lot of things that you would think had no sugar and

very healthy.

You know what this is?

Don't you size suppository?

Bananas are sweet, and so is fruit juice.

Mind you, you can have all of these things in small portions, and the same

it comes to things with a high fat content. Never mind all that. Let's get

the important stuff.

Booze.

Do you have a drink problem, Miss Trent?

Only when pubs are shut off.

Well,

alcohol can increase the problem as it affects the hormones that keep the blood

sugar level up.

But if you just have one gin, with a slimline tonic, and always on a full

stomach, then you shouldn't come to much harm.

One nip of gin after dinner?

Oh, boy, I'll really be leaping on the table and flashing me knickers at the

service.

It's not a life of boozing and whoring, you know.

What?

Well, give me a few days.

I'll think of something.

We'll be all right.

It's just another one of life's little hurdles.

There is, of course, the holistic approach.

What? Self -management.

How do you stand with regard to your own health?

Do you manage it yourself or leave it to others?

What is your health belief model? What is your locus of control?

Tell her.

I'm afraid Diana is a bit of a primitive when it comes to any sort of

alternative thinking.

Hippie claptrap.

Fine. But there is one psychological point I would emphasise, and that's

control.

Personal rows, confrontations, all that sort of thing must be avoided.

No arguments?

That's all right, no problem.

Diana is well known for her sweet temper and her amenable disposition.

He is the world's pole vault champion.

You put me in a bit of a quandary, Geoffrey. I mean, asking me about your

chances with Jane.

I mean, I am Jane's grandfather.

But surely you think I'd be better for her than the idiot Bane.

I think a maggot -ridden dead dog would be better for her than the idiot Bane.

But you are a married man, and we are a good Irish Catholic family who believe

in hell and damnation.

But you've been married five times.

Yes, but I've been to confession after every divorce.

So I'm okay.

You're not a Catholic, so you'll just be being wicked.

So you also think I should go back to Marion?

She is the mother of your children.

But am I the father of my children?

Ah, well, that's one of life's great unanswerables.

I don't suppose Marion even knows the answer to that one.

She doesn't even remember having children.

Every morning she asks the kids who the hell they are, what they're doing in the

kitchen.

Maybe she's just a lost soul crying out for love.

You think so?

All women want a little excitement in their lives, you know, Geoffrey. She had

an affair with a trapeze artist once, on his trapeze.

And she said that was exciting.

But he dropped her eventually.

Maybe you should make yourself a little bit more exciting.

I mean dairy products.

There's not much room for excitement in yoghurt and cheese slices.

Look... Why don't you jazz yourself up a bit? Go back to your wife and make her

fall for you all over again.

Be a different person.

You mean go in disguise?

No, that's not what I meant.

But now you mention it, why not?

Oh, Jean, I came as fast as I could. Now, what's this emergency?

Someone sick, are they? Yes, me.

I am sick.

At least my soul is sick.

That does sound serious.

I have decided to give myself to the Lord.

Well, I'm sure he'll be glad to have you.

What exactly do you mean, dear?

I want to be like you.

I want to be a nun.

I want you to show me the path to heaven.

I see.

Look, why don't we take a little walk and have a nice chat?

My God.

She's serious.

There you are, Tom. Black Forrest Gato, or as we call it, non -white Forrest

Gato. Yummy.

And for you, Diana, a cheese biscuit.

Enjoy.

some kind of joke?

Certainly not.

I have spent hours with Jenny and the chef working out a balanced diet sheet

you. You can have a bit of ice cream on Wednesday week.

Oh, great.

Or fun on a carnival to celebrate.

Oh, look.

Jamie's feeding up old Brenda Cook.

Where?

I need your advice.

Chop your head off.

What?

Chop your head off. That's my advice.

If you've got a bit of a problem, pop down the butchers, get him to chop your

head off and all your problems will go away.

I presume that's a joke. No.

What do you want?

It's Jane.

Tom, what are you doing?

It seems that my pudding has just disappeared into a Bermuda triangle of

forest ghettos.

Or maybe some daft old woman is risking her health by behaving like a disgusting

old pig.

Uh -uh. You mustn't stress me. Just concentrate on my problems, please.

problem in particular, Harvey? Jane won't marry me.

Won't? She won't what?

I asked her to marry me. She said no.

I don't believe it.

Has she really got that much sense?

How exactly did you phrase this proposal?

I pointed out the tax breaks of marriage, the golf club advantages, and

obvious choice of being Mrs. Harvey Nigel Bain.

And she turned you down.

Totally amazing. Right.

Did you say you loved her?

What? Loved.

It's usually an ingredient in the marriage proposal.

You say you love her, she says she loves you.

Oh, then we must have missed that bit.

Well, try again.

Get down on your knees, declare your love and beg for her hand. In a bag with

chips.

I think it's too late. She says she's going to become a nun.

Well, she says that at least three times a year. No, but this time she's

serious. She's taking instructions from Sister Sheila. She has resorted to the

Pope's penguins.

She must be serious.

What about me?

I'll miss her.

As a slave? No, with Jane.

I quite sort of like her.

Did you hear that?

Ow! Yes, it is him. I thought it might be an imposter.

Ow! You're right.

What do you mean?

Well, it's just that you seem to have expressed a genuine sentiment for the

first time in your life. Quite turned my stomach.

Well, well, Cork, if you want my advice, I suggest you go to Jane and tell her

that you'd miss her.

See how that works.

And if all else fails, go for the sympathy vote. Tell her if she won't

you, you'll kill yourself.

Better still kill yourself anyway.

She wants a new man.

I'm a new man.

Hey! Hey, darling, how you doing?

How beautiful.

Hey! You marrying, marrying a pushover?

I have the pleasure of... Fat boy. Fat boy Higgins.

You can call me Fat.

Oh, thank you.

Fat.

Okay, babe.

Let's do it.

All right, dear.

Don't be silly, Marion. Neighbours inside.

Make an interesting change.

How is she?

Not good.

I've just seen her blood sugar and it's up to 19.

19? Well, it's supposed to be nine. What's she been doing?

Nothing. We've watched her diet meticulously.

Then suddenly she was up and down all night, feeling wobbly and saying she had

got, um, a chaffinch.

Chaffinch? Well, women's waterworks thingy.

Thrush, Mr Ballard.

Please make her all right. I sort of need her.

Keep her bowling along, eh?

Well, what's all that?

Cake.

The ice cream.

Secret feast.

Oh, dear.

Is she going to be all right?

Yes, I'll pop in tomorrow.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go next door to visit the really ill.

Goodbye.

How do you feel?

How do I look? Like absolute hell. Then I look better than I feel.

Diana, why do you do such silly things? Oh, I don't know.

Yeah, well, actually, I do.

I wanted to know if it was true or just a load of medical bilge and bologna.

And? It's true.

There is something inside me, Tom, some unwelcome guest, and it's here to stay.

It's midnight, and there's a mad dog loose on the town.

But it's on a lead, Diana.

Under control.

As long as I feed it right.

Yes, and pay for walkies and go down to the vet for flu jabs and hard pad and

give it the odd flea bath and buy it a nice new collar. All right, all right.

was just a simple metaphor.

No need to flog it to death.

It's not a terminal visitor.

No, but it is an intruder, Tom. It is a black, creeping thing. It is another

stumble down the steps into the cellar.

Oh, Diana.

What can I do for you? Nothing. There's nothing anyone can do.

We are on our own when we arrive on this planet and we are even more on our own

when we leave it.

We don't have to be, you know. How so?

We could become as one. Become as one?

They don't do Siamese twin -offs in reverse, do they?

We could become joined spiritually.

Oh, no, no, gurus, thank you. I've been there in the 60s with a Maharishi yogi

prat. No, no, no, I don't mean that kind of mumbo -jumbo. I mean we could be

joined in a simple and common ceremony.

And what is that?

It's called marriage, Diana.

We could get married.

I think I've killed her!