Original subtitles

And so I say to you, brothers and sisters, rejoice and come unto the true

church, my church, the church of the flaming sword, Las Vegas, which I am

the only resident pastor in Bournemouth. That's pretty good, eh?

And you're all probably wondering why you should change church. Well, I'll

you. Because it's free.

You don't have to hand over any cash at all. Not a penny.

I will simply be deducting a percentage of your wages. Harvey, you'll burn in

hell. As long as you're not there, Diana, I can take a bit of burning.

Have you seen Tom?

Not since he was arrested for dangerous driving.

Not since he parachuted into that tree over there.

Useless aider.

You've lost one of your best paying customers.

It's a pity you don't join him.

As I was saying, dear beloved brethren,

Three's a crowd.

Right, Jamie.

Where is Tom?

Do you mind? I was having a conversation there. Answer the question.

I don't know. You're lying.

Where is he?

Diana, we are in a time of momentous events.

Harvey has proposed to Jane and been accepted.

Tom has proposed to you and been rejected.

And we'll... continue debating. And Tom thinks you have refused his proposal

because he is not the real macho man that you crave in your sad and gin

dreams.

Jamie, how far do you want my stick up your bottom?

Where is Tom?

There's no way I'll tell you. I've been sworn to secrecy.

My lips are sealed.

Ten quid. He's gone bungee jumping.

Where? He's gone to the car park down by the pier. Well, come on.

Wait here.

How does it look?

Absolutely terrifying.

Oh, it's you.

Woppo. What are you doing, Tom?

Nothing. I just saw this queue here. I thought I would join it to see where it

went. I like to court the unexpected.

Are you right out of your mind?

I don't think so.

But then again, would I be the best judge of that?

Are you seriously going to do this?

Diana, I have climbed the North Faithfully Eiger, walked up Everest,

the North Pole.

That was all in your fat head.

Do you realise what will happen if you jump from right up there?

Firstly, your heart will conk out.

And then when your elastic band comes to an end, all your bones will crunch up

and you'll end up boinging up and down as a very saggy dead bag of old prat.

By God, I'll be a man.

I see.

That's what this is all about.

I'd rather be a dead hero than not get my woman.

Are you serious?

You would die to prove yourself to me?

It appears I'll probably have to.

Jump. See if I care.

Have a nice death.

If that's what you want.

You can't let him do it. I will not be blackmailed into marriage.

What daft a thing I do now than I was daft before.

actually going to do it, won't you? You left me no choice.

It mattered that much to you? Enough to top yourself?

I'm an old -fashioned sort of thing.

It mattered.

Well, it doesn't matter to me.

That's all right. You're the guest of my fantasy life.

You don't have to feel a thing if you don't want to. Good.

Because I don't.

Olé! Our first bottle of champagne as an engaged couple.

And you can cut the engaged bit.

We are just getting married, that is all.

We are not engaged or affianced or any of the other dilly -dally, fiddle

-faddle, woman's own puke -making rubbish.

You're so romantic.

Here.

To you, me and us, may we all three be very happy together.

Cheers. Cheers.

Just a minute.

Yeah? How come we get back here and you have champagne on ice?

Um... You knew what was going to happen, didn't you?

You knew I would come looking for you and stop you. Not at all.

I always keep a bottle of champagne in the fridge just in case Dickie

Attenborough comes round.

He must be out of coldies by now.

I don't trust you an inch.

The perfect basis for any marriage.

I'm keeping my own name.

So am I.

And you will not refer to me as the wife, the missus, my other half, her

indoors, or put any other owner's tag on me.

Wouldn't dream of it.

And I keep my own room, all my own things. I can still come and go, exactly

please. Sounds fine to me.

I won't wear a ring.

Whatever you like.

And it will be a secret ceremony at dead of night with no witnesses and you

won't tell anyone ever.

And the secret of our ridiculous union will go to the grave with both of us.

Ah, well, that might be a problem.

Why? Diana, how wonderful!

We're both to be brides. I'm so happy for you. So happy, happy, happy.

Tom, Diana, what... Wonderful news.

Congratulations.

Here's a bottle of champagne.

All the way from sunny Korea.

I suppose you'll both be leaving us now.

What a pity.

No, we won't be leaving.

We love it here.

Well, things to be done.

Oh, what a happy couple.

Congratulations.

Oh, Tom, Diana, I'm just that thrilled.

Are you happy, Diana? Yes, yes, yes. Thank you very much. I'm thrilled to

Just be conned into marriage, just what I always wanted.

Oh, stop snivelling, Jane.

And stop gushing, Jenny.

And, Jamie, I'll kill you later.

But off you all go. Go on, go away.

Go on.

Did you miss anyone?

I mean, did you tell the newspapers, the television, the town crier?

I'm sorry, it's just that at our end of the rainbow, we all need... somewhat

grey and dull lives so that if any one of us actually hit the pot of gold,

we all want to share in the joy and happiness.

Joy and happiness?

Is that what all this brings you, Tom? Yes, huge joy and happiness. If I drop

down dead now, it would be, well, well, well deserved.

It would be as a fulfilled and happy man.

What about your late wife? I mean, what about your beloved Maggie? What would

she think of all this?

Well, if she were alive, she might be a bit put out, me taking another wife.

But if she's just hovering about in the local ether, then I'm sure she'll be

having a great laugh and giving us her blessing.

I can't win, can I? You already have.

You've won me.

Oh, do you know where I'm attacking it? Say? Well, maybe we should get married

in a castle. Jane, how could you be so cruel to our Reverend Dennis? We're the

only congregation he has.

If we take our business elsewhere, they'd probably shut him down.

Besides, we have a deal. He does all our funerals at cost if we keep up the

numbers, OK?

Where do you think we should go on our honeymoon?

I'm going to St Andrews. Where are you going?

From the golf club.

Dear Reverend Baines, we always welcome men of the cloth as members.

At the pure formality, we would be grateful if you could come to a

committee meeting. I knew the old doggy car would knock him dead.

Hallelujah! Hooray! It's golfing all the way!

Ah, here's Nutty Dennis.

Come to a selection committee meeting to make sure you're not that oily little

git Harvey Baines of Bayview.

You must think we're stupid.

Show your nasty little face round here and we'll castrate you.

Castrate?

Sprinkle it with sugar.

Hello, Dennis. What brings you here?

The glad tidings. The christenings.

Weddings, Dennis.

Mine and Harvey's and Tom and Diana's. Oh, very, um... Wonderful?

Unlikely.

Not much room for you, Danny.

Now I've got a collar, I thought I'd do the ceremony myself.

They've a few quid.

You can't marry yourself, Harvey.

I'm not, Jane. I'm marrying you.

Oh, yes.

I was telling the bishop about you being a new addition to our ecclesiastical

rank. I bet he was impressed.

Wants me round for sherry at the palace, eh? Not quite.

He says we don't recognise the Church of the Flaming Sword, Las Vegas.

So if he hears of you preaching, he'll have you arrested for fraud.

And then he said to say, God bless you.

You want to watch yourself, Dennis.

I've got a big flock here.

I could flog them all off to the Jehovah's Witnesses.

Fascinating man.

Now, is it to be a double wedding?

No, no.

And if you didn't get that, no, no, no.

Triple times no and no returns times ten.

I don't think she's keen on a double wedding, Jed.

I am not keen on any wedding.

Let alone sharing the farce with Minnie Mouse here and the Gypsy Queen.

I have changed my mind. Our wedding is off.

Oh, Diana, no!

Before I change, he changes his mind at least four times an hour. It is off. I

am going to Hawaii.

Surfing. You are not.

I've sent out the invites.

We are in church on the 15th at 2 .30 with bells on.

Well, when are they doing it?

Half an hour before.

What? Well, when... having the same congregation for both weddings, no point

having to go in twice.

We'll go to theirs, then we'll have a ten -minute pee break, and then get on

with our... I've arranged the whole thing.

Oh, isn't he marvellous? Aren't you a lucky ducky?

I am under sentence of death.

I'm sure that's not true. I'm sure you love him to itsy -witsy bits, don't you?

Yes?

Isn't this going to be your happiest day?

Jane, I am a diabetic. Cut the cloying, sugary stuff or I'll go into a coma.

I am now off to pack my wetsuit.

Do you think she's going to make it? Hope so.

Ordered her a wedding dress this morning. You ordered her a wedding

Oh, lovely.

Geoffrey?

Geoffrey!

Jeffrey!

Tom and Diana are getting married!

What are you doing? Jeffrey.

Jeffrey? Who's Jeffrey?

You are, for God's sake!

I'm Fat Boy Higgins, your bloke on a bike.

Get in! I have had enough of Fat Boy.

He smells.

He has disgusting bathroom habits.

And he has upset everyone at the tennis club by waving his fat, white, spotty

back... Hide at them.

I want the real Jeffies back.

Why?

Because Tom and Diana are getting married.

Well, that's nice, isn't it?

Two old geezers tying a knot.

This old geezer is your father.

If he marries Diana, he will leave everything to her.

Sounds all right.

You have lost your job. We have no money.

becoming social lepers. Our one hope of survival is getting our hands on your

father's income.

We are now in danger of losing that.

What are we going to do?

I don't know. What?

We are going to work on Tom.

We are going to stop the wedding.

Marion. I hate it. No, you don't. Oh, it's just like mine.

Oh, I hate it more than anything on earth.

What? Marion.

Marion, just a minute.

That's my bride -to -be you're talking about.

Will you kindly not refer to her as the slut from hell?

I've got a feeling that Marion has some sort of objection to our wedding.

Are you done yet?

Are you ready for this?

I can't wait.

Right -o.

Ladies and gentlemen, people of the planet Earth, we proudly present...

See me, done up like a pubescent Christmas cracker. But it's wonderful.

I don't know why women dress like this.

Pagan sacrifices, that's what brides are.

Virgin, pure and white. It's a total male fantasy.

Right, come on, let's get me out of this rubbish, Jenny.

Well, at least we saw it.

Yes. A moustache.

Oh, he's taking me on a mystery drive.

Probably to buy a huge diamond ring.

See you later.

What? Until after the wedding. It's traditional.

Since when has that worried you? Well, since I invited my niece and the baby

Diana to stay in your room. You can stay in the guest wing with Jamie.

In with Jamie?

But he's always singing Irish songs and breaking wind.

He makes Danny Boy sound like a tuba solo.

Hello, my darling. How are you?

Hi. I wasn't talking to you.

How's my baby? She's my baby.

Nonsense. You are merely the breeder. I am her natural mother.

She will carry the tort after I snuff it. Yes.

She will be the leading pain in the bum for the new generation.

She says she wants to be a young conservative.

Wash your mouth out.

I am living in a nightmare.

I'm being steamrolled into a situation which is so, again, everything I've ever

stood for, so contrary to every facet of my nature. I just want to scream and

scream and scream until I die.

Are you saying you're not happy about getting married?

Is that the impression I get?

I think so.

Then maybe that's what I mean.

Look, why don't you come and sit down?

You must be very uncomfortable with your knickers in such a nod.

And I'll make us a nice hot cup of gin.

Oh, what am I going to do?

Do you remember before I got married?

To old Flash Harry?

The great love of my life for that month.

Well, at least he helped create my baby.

It was him, I suppose.

It was.

Even I draw the line at infidelity on the honeymoon.

You sweet old -fashioned thing.

Anyway, I seem to recall that you were in hospital having a new leg screwed on.

It was a hip replacement, thank you very much.

And I came to see you just before my wedding with a severe case of cold feet.

So what did I suggest?

Well, you told me that the men you could have married were always the pirates,

the crazies. And you never did because they were so hopeless.

You also told me that maybe you regretted it.

I told you my man was a charming crook. And you said not to make the same

mistake that you did by being overcautious. So?

I married him.

And it was a disaster? He ran off? I was totally wrong and ruined your life?

Yes. So I couldn't do the same thing to myself?

No, I didn't mean that at all.

I mean, you instinctively knew what was right.

Don't marry the wild one.

Marry the good guy. He may not take your breath away every time you see him, but

at least he won't break your heart.

God, that sounds so exciting.

Compromise or die?

Act of life.

I chose wrong.

Poor old thing.

Tom's a lovely man. Yes, I know.

And let's face it, how many brandos on bikes are going to come roaring up your

drive these days?

Thanks, kid.

You'll see.

Can't you give me a nice big one?

I beg your pardon?

Ring, Harvey.

Ring who?

Right.

Here we are.

Oh, Harvey, I don't think we should go in here. Nonsense, Jane. This is going

be our new club.

These people are going to be our new married friends.

Oh, dear.

Is he all right?

Oh, I'm sure he is. It takes more than a fractured skull to upset my boy.

Anyone at home?

What are these disgusting clothes?

They're your clothes, fat boy.

Fat boy?

That's a bit rude, Dad.

Why do you think I'm fat?

Well, that's your name, Fat Boy Higgins.

You're a hell's angel.

From Bogner.

Is he out of his mind?

No. You've been out of yours.

For some weeks now, you have been masquerading as Fat Boy Higgins, the

warrior. I've never heard such nonsense.

God, look at the time.

Where's my briefcase?

I'm supposed to be at work.

But, Geoffrey, you don't have a job. What do you mean I'm second assistant

manager Southern Area Fails? Thank you very much.

You were fired.

Nonsense.

I'm a top man in processed cheese.

I invented the thalathane between the slices.

They don't fire people like me.

Did you know that I was getting married, Geoffrey?

Married? Who to?

To Diana, of course.

Really? Oh, that's wonderful, Dan.

Congratulations. I do hope you'll both be very happy. I must go and tell

I just know she'll be thrilled to bits.

I wouldn't count on it.

I can't believe this.

This is wrong.

Let the dogs go.

I don't understand.

What's wrong with me?

Why doesn't anyone like me?

There you are, Harvey. Sip it down.

Tea's the best thing for shock.

I'm not in shock, Jane.

I'm just a little disappointed.

I get the distinct impression they don't want me to join their club.

Then it's their lot. They didn't even show any respect for my collar.

Maybe you should get rid of the collar, Harvey. You know, Jane, I think I'll get

rid of the collar.

Yes, good wince to the Church of the Flaming Sword, Las Vegas.

Well done, Harvey.

You know, Jane, I was even going to get married for the Rotten Golf Club.

What do you mean?

I mean, I've been a bit silly poos, Jane.

I was laying down my life to get into the club.

So we're not going to get married then?

Of course we are.

That's the only good thing that's come out of all this. I've got myself a wife

thingy. Oh, you do really love me then.

Let's just enjoy the tax advantages first, shall we, Jane?

Oh, yes, yes.

I don't ask for the world.

The tax advantages are very...

Jane, Jane.

You know, at the wedding thingy, we have to... Well, you know, after the I do,

you do bit, we have to sort of kiss.

What?

Kiss.

Oh. Well, I suppose that means you'll have to touch me.

Normally.

But if you like, I could sort of shield you with my veil and we could pretend

kiss. No, no, no, no, no.

Maybe we ought to...

Well, we don't want to look like amateur prats, do we?

Maybe we ought to get a bit of practice in.

Practice? Well, kissing practice.

Who?

Jane, you may kiss me.

Oh, right.

No, Jane, that's no good. That's not a proper kiss.

Now, look, I'll show you. Look, I'm really good at this. Now, you close your

eyes, and I'll close mine.

Here we are.

It's good to see you've lost none of the old magic, huh?

So... Is this all it's been?

A few photographs and a big bag of questions with no answers attached.

What on earth is the point of this?

vast, rich, colourful life, if at the end you haven't a clue what it's all

leading to.

Well, maybe it's just a string of events.

This happened, and that happened.

So what?

It's got to add up to something.

Not necessarily.

Tom, what on earth are you doing there?

Sneaky about and eavesdropping. Well, don't.

I was enjoying your metaphysical queries.

Got any answers?

Oh, yes, I solved those problems years ago.

So what's the secret?

Don't ask the questions. Go away.

It's like matters financial.

You haven't the clue, so you employ an accountant to sort them out. Same as

matters spiritual.

You haven't the clue, so you employ a god, a faith or whatever to fill in the

forms.

Simplistic twaddle.

Most of us are pretty simple, Diana.

Just animals who are born, join with another, create our replacements and

die. Which we accept because we know we have done the full thing. Whereas folk

like you find that they have left out the two middle steps and gone straight

from birth to death.

Well, they feel a bit cheated, I suppose.

Oh, I see.

If you don't wed or breed, you lose out, is that it? Yes.

Oh, well, I'll nip down my quack tomorrow morning, but I think I might

I've left the nappies and brats bit a tad too late.

Never mind.

At least you will make it for the official joining at the hip.

Yes, well, we'll see.

Meanwhile, I have memories to weep over and a liver to destroy, so shove off.

I'm sick of sharing with Jamie. Well, Sarah's in your bed, so tough to down.

I can't stand another night with him. Well, then bunk down on the sofa.

I'm too long for your sofa.

Can't I bunk up with you? No, you can't. Why not?

Because I am getting married.

I am a virgin, pure and white.

So don't you come your wicked big city ways with me or I'll get me daddy to put

your tackle in the mangle.

I think I'll go and find the park bench.

Tom?

Yes?

Hop in.

Good idea.

Never know what might happen at our age.

Might as well get in a quick one while we can.

God, I love Englishmen. They really know how to seduce a woman.

Are you sitting comfortably?

Yes, Diana.

Then I'll begin.