Original subtitles

Christmas rubbish.

I'm not listening.

Oh, look at that fairy.

You know one or two fairies around here who could do with a tree up there.

That's quite enough.

You'll get a message for obscene mumbling one of these days.

You're like a mad old bag lady.

Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas.

That was a good shot. Thank you very much.

Oh, my God.

Quick, cross over.

Who is it? Betty Craddock, contract killer for the Women's Institute.

Bolshevik.

Oh, to hell with this.

Let's get a cab.

Christmas shopping.

You'll be lucky.

Yoo -hoo! Tom!

Diana!

What's Jane doing with an elderly bookie?

Hello!

This is my grandad, Jamie Edwards, from Cork.

He's coming to Bayview for Christmas.

And I'm sure it'll be a wonderful occasion.

It'll be extraordinarily banal and pathetic.

What, how?

Tom Ballard.

Nice to have you aboard.

Diana Trent.

Well, well.

Are there any more like you at home?

Not her. She doesn't like compliments.

All women are beautiful, Jane.

And love being told so.

Not that one. Come along. See you later.

Charming pillow.

Come and hold the ladder, will you?

Of course.

You go and have some tea, Grandad.

Harvey needs me.

He certainly needs something.

What? Nothing, Harvey.

Right -o, I've got you.

And no trying to peer at my trouser legs, Jane.

Harvey, please.

What? Harvey decorating up a ladder. Up a ladder?

Sounds like a chance too good to miss. I'll get the coats.

I wonder what the Buddhists are up to at this time of year.

Oh, here we go. I hate Christmas, so let's all get chronically depressed and

our throats.

I do wish you'd give me to rest.

Well, this is the high season for the seriously nasty and unpleasant.

It's also the season when we remember the universal joy... And rejoicing at

Jesus' birth.

Universal? It wasn't universal.

The Chinese couldn't give a toss.

They won't suppose they were banging the tanners in the puddings in Baghdad,

either. In Christendom, the rejoicing was universal.

No, it wasn't. I have it on very good authority. King Herod was much upset by

the whole thing.

Put your coat on.

Some kingdom he had.

Knee deep in soppy shepherds.

All those... All those...

Wise men, my foot. Talk about silly gifts.

Gold, frankincense and myrrh.

Well, what is myrrh, anyway?

Myrrh. Myrrh.

There's Jesus, barely born, 40 years to become the greatest man that ever lived,

and what do they bring him?

Something unpronounceable from Boots.

You're lucky that God is a forgiving sort of chappy and has a good sense of

humour. Come on.

Let's go and upset someone whose name begins with Harvey.

Now, whatever you do, Jane, don't let go of the ladder.

Oh, do be careful.

Almost too easy, isn't it?

Shall we try the old coronary number?

Oh, I think under the circumstances, the old coronary number is compulsory. Away

you go.

This is so tasteless.

I'm just kidding.

Oh,

God!

You've killed him! What did he land on? His head.

No damage there.

Wake up!

Are you all right?

Of course I am.

I'm absolutely fine.

What a funny little joke that was.

Yes, I did enjoy it.

Shall we get married, Jane?

Well, we've been messing about for far too long now.

Might as well tie the knot, eh?

Better get him to hospital.

Get him alone!

He's mine!

And he's all mine!

Come on, Harvey!

We'll have a church wedding, Jane. Cake. The full bling. I always look good in a

morning suit. Oh, you do!

Penguin attack.

Hang on to your loose tail.

Sister Sheila, how lovely to see you again.

You will come and take a dish of tail of us?

Sure, that would be a great pleasure, Tom.

Irish penguin to boot.

Nail down the furniture as well.

I'm sorry, Tom. I didn't quite understand that last point.

What's the problem with me serving in Africa?

Temptation, my dear.

you'll be bound to meet a brilliant tropical diseases doctor and find

hopelessly enamoured with him and have to give up your nunship.

Nun story.

Peter Finch, Audrey Hepburn, 1958.

What a wonderful imagination you have, Tom. Don't encourage him. I've spent the

last few years digging him out of Coldick, dragging him off the top of

and trying to stop his rather unhealthy friendship with a flying doctor.

Stopped if I'm going to start trolling round Uganda dressed up like Julie

Andrews in a bag.

Do please excuse my wife's colourful language.

I'm not your wife. Yes, you are.

Sister Sheila, I'm sorry if this offends you or your cloth, but Tom and I are

not married, nor ever likely to be.

We are just shacked up together.

Tom, just relax.

You already told me that your wife had died over 15 years ago.

So, unless this is Mrs Lazarus, I doubt very much she's your wife.

I'm his hot bit of fluff.

Frankly, I don't care what you are, so long as you're going to be there to

Help with what?

He hasn't told you.

No, he has not.

Tom, this had better be good.

I just said that we'd arrange some sort of entertainment for the elderly of the

parish at Christmas, a nativity play, and you'd be the director.

Oh, great.

Thanks a bundle.

What Tom did not tell you is that not only am I a screaming atheist, but I

hate Christmas and all the inherent humbuggery that goes along with it.

Oh, yes, he said you were a foul -mouthed old bat.

But you were the only one who could get anyone to walk in a straight line round

here. Yes, well, that is true.

So you'll do it.

No, not in a fit. Forget it. OK? You've wasted your time. I'm sorry.

All right, Miss Trent.

Thank you for your time.

Hey, wait a minute.

Yes? Are you giving up? But you said you weren't going to do it. But that is not

the point.

You can't just fold at the first fence.

Dear God, what do they make nuns out of these days?

In Cambodia, you lot were taking on the most awful problems and battling

through. Nuns were some of my best drinking buddies.

And what are you doing? You're just giving up.

What should I do, then? Well, I don't know. You could, well, use threats or

subtle ploys.

There are a million ways to skin a cat.

Oh, no, it's quite all right. There's plenty of volunteers.

I'll get Jenny Brown to do it. Jenny Brown?

Her eyes don't even look in the same direction.

John Cameron will help.

John Cameron couldn't organise a piss -up in a brewery.

Foggy Matthews. He was a quartermaster.

Foggy Matthews is dead, you great Luke.

Betty Craddock of the WA.

Betty Craddock. I'll do it.

If that baggage Craddock gets it, she'll be gloating all over Bournemouth. I

will do it. Thank you. God bless you. Goodbye.

Hang on a minute.

What just happened? I think a cat has just been skinned.

Thank you.

What's this, Geoffrey? He's a changed man.

Harvey! Oh, hello, Tom.

Hi, Diana.

Oh, look, there's good old Geoffrey. How's your lovely, charming wife?

I haven't got a lovely, charming wife. I've got to marry him.

You know I'm getting married.

Really? Who to?

To Jane. Jane who?

Jane Edward.

Isn't that your name?

Yes.

Any relation?

Oh. Come along, Harvey. We have to have the bands read. What fun.

Look, do enjoy your day. You'll find the food is much improved since I doubled

the catering budget.

Diana, is there anything I can do for you?

Truck yourself onto a bus.

OK. Oh, come along, Harvey.

Bye, all.

Just be happy.

Maybe I should try dropping Marion on her head.

Yes, all right, thank you. Can we get on with this meeting?

Right, now, first things first, the script. Tom, you're going to have to

the script. Is that all right? The script, okay.

Right, and I am going to be the director of this epic stage production, Jesus,

the Early Years.

It's called The Nativity.

Right, now, my niece's child, the baby Diana, will play the baby Jesus.

But isn't she a girl?

Well, I hope so. Boys called Diana tend to lead somewhat turbulent lives.

But Jesus is a boy. You can't have a star part.

Played by a girl. It's not a pantomime.

It doesn't matter. She'll be all wrapped up in swaddling clothes, whatever the

hell they are.

Clothes you get swaddled in.

Well, now, Tom, you, Basil, and Jamie the Blarney here will be playing the

wise men.

You know that Basil's gone off on an Icelandic wife -swapping cruise, but he

hasn't got a wife to swap.

He's taken his teddy.

He is due back in plenty of time. and so we will rehearse without him. Now then,

the casting of the Virgin Mary.

How about Marion?

Perhaps not.

The Virgin Mary will be played by the child's mother, Sarah, and Geoffrey, you

will play Joseph and a couple of shepherds, and Marion will play the

OK?

Fine, Marion's always at home in a pub.

Who's going to play the ass?

Most of the cast, I should imagine.

Jamie, Jamie, you're going to look wonderful.

I just don't think you should have asked the assistant if she wanted to be a

bridesmaid. You look lovely.

People are such nice creatures. I love them all. No, you don't. You only love

me.

We're responsible for that. We ought to do something about it. Nonsense, he's

asked. A manium is what he's always wanted.

But he's concussed. His mind is in an altered state.

So what now?

Well, if he were in one of the best films...

He'll get another bang on the head that will bring him back to normal. Yes, but

we're not in one of the best films. We're in a Daffy Duck cartoon.

Oh, that's rehearsal time.

Get behind the desk.

Right, where's the baby?

Here she is.

Oh, hello, my little munchkin. Little munchkin, yes.

Isn't the baby supposed to be newborn?

So? Well, baby Diana's about 27 now.

She's 18 months.

why they're looking for a place.

Jane, you are a shepherd, so shut your face and shep.

Is she right? Is that in the script?

Afraid so, and a lot of people know the story.

Can't really mess around with it.

Okay, dump the baby, shove something up your jumper.

I'm so glad I came.

It's all right, all right, all right.

Now... Mary and Joseph arrive at the pub

and... Action!

Oh... Oh, golly, I'm so tired.

It's been such a long walk from where the week came from.

I couldn't remember where they were coming from.

Nazareth? And the town is really full.

And we can't get in anywhere.

Oh, woe is us. And especially me with the new Messiah in my tum -tum.

I like that bit.

Get on with it.

Right.

Will you please get on?

What do you want?

Oh, um, do you have a room, kind sir, for a weary couple who have walked for

miles from... Nazareth?

Nazareth, and are about to have a baby?

Double or single?

What? TV, minibus?

Jacuzzi, room service, in -house video?

Jeffrey, will you put your wife back on her lead?

Marion, you're not supposed to have any rooms.

Oh, OK.

We haven't got any rooms.

Shovel.

Stable, Marion?

No. Pretty wobbly, actually.

A stinking headache.

I think I'll have a gin and lie down.

See you at the premiere.

That Dickie Attenborough doesn't have to cope with all this fiddle -assing

about. I should have left it to Betty Craddock.

How's this?

You look like Marvo, the magician.

The costume places around wise men outfits.

Jamie got there first, and it was this or Robin Hood.

I'm in a class and all the doors are jammed shut.

There's another problem, too. I don't wish to know.

Jane wants me to give her away.

What did you say?

I said you'd talk to her. Oh, no, you don't.

This is a moral dilemma.

That's all your field.

Hello. Oh, and here she comes. You deal with it.

Oh, hello, Tom.

You look like a magician.

You look like a 1950s air hostess.

What's with all the flesh clobber?

It's my going -away suit.

For after the wedding.

Jane.

He has to talk to you. Tom has to talk to you.

Jane, do sit down.

I've only got a minute before my next gown fitting.

Oh, isn't it wonderful?

Jane, there is something we have to discuss about this wedding thingy.

Now, if I'm going to give you away, I shall be acting in loco parentis.

Particular emphasis on the loco.

Diana, and as such, there are certain things I feel obliged to say to you.

It's all right, Tom.

I know all about it.

All about what?

It.

It? What it? The wedding night. It.

Oh, my God.

I have a little book.

My great -aunt gave it to me. She said it got her through her time of duty and

anguish. It.

Advice to young brides by Merica Rubber.

1893. It's very informative.

The wedding night.

Dismissing your maid.

Lowering the gaslight.

Thinking of England.

Smelling thought. Sounds good stuff.

Marriage has to be entered into in a spirit of mutual trust.

I don't know what you mean.

It means you can't just grab a bloke with concussion and whip him off for a

quick marriage.

He's not normal right now. He's being nice to everyone.

Especially everyone in Skirk.

God, if you have bridesmaids, you'll never make it up the aisle.

He is quite normal.

It was the previous Harvey who wasn't the normal Harvey.

But I would be very grateful if you would leave us alone and mind...

He must have come into this picture after the intermission.

Tom, this is not a movie. This is real life.

Are you sure? No.

So what do we do? I don't... Yes, you were right.

We give him another bang on the head.

snit as the grandson -in -law.

Here he comes.

Get the ball.

You can't do that.

There's 20 pounds of gravel in there.

I still am, Tom.

Okay. Then head this into the gold.

He's still in Iceland.

What? Dear Tom, heading north with Eskimo Nell, happy Christmas.

That means we've only got two wise men.

Well,

you and Jamie will have to keep moving.

Good house.

New York Times gave us a plug.

Technical transfer to the West End.

Oh, we need two good songs and a nude scene.

A nude scene, that's a good idea.

Hey, Sarah, how do you feel about taking your clothes off? Perfect.

We could have a nude wedding. That's enough.

of naked bridesmaids. Oh, stop it! And a naked vicar and a good old -fashioned

niece of orgy. Oh, you're disgusting!

Jane,

you've touched me.

Oh, dear.

You haven't changed, have you?

Changed? Of course I haven't changed.

So the wedding's still on?

What wedding?

Your wedding!

Our wedding!

Oh, sure, our wedding's still on, Jane.

The same day the Martians landed at Bayview.

What's the matter with you? You banged your head or something?

My life is over!

Your life has been saved.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's so lovely that you could all make it to this

wonderful event.

And I'm sure that you all have a lovely time.

as we watch the Bayview Retirement Homes production of The Christmas Story.

Over to you, Bayview.

just on a slower camel.

Get off! I know that voice.

I usually do.

Well, I'm sure the insurance will cover it.

Place needed a new roof, anyway.

What?

Yes, yes, I thought the police were rather nice, too.

All right, then.

Bye -bye.

Oh, well, so much for my career as the Andrew Lloyd Webber of Bayview.

It's God's vengeance on you for taking his story in vain.

Oh, is he? So he thinks Betty...

suffering from cutbacks.

Oh, if only you had believed, Diana.

If only you had a little faith. If only you had relaxed and let it all sweep

over you, the joy, the mystery, the happiness.

It could all be yours.

All you have to do is reach out, open your heart, and let it all

flow in.

What do you say?

Open my heart.

Join the human race.

Let it all flow in.

Feel the warmth.

Tom, come here.

No, no, closer.

I want to say something to you.

Sweet nothings.

Merry Christmas!