Original subtitles

Have I sung the same song as I'm singing?

I don't know. What song am I singing?

Do you know the ball of a teddy bear?

No, but I know the mirror of Teddy Ball.

What is going on?

It's half past one.

Have we missed lunch?

Morning.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm busting for a peeve.

What are you two doing?

Well, they're both in dressing gowns, so they've probably been at it like

ferrets in a wind tunnel.

Basil!

Where have you been?

I've been working my way through the Dagenham girl pipers.

Basil, that's disgusting.

Naturally, I'm an expert.

Where have you been?

We've been to a regimental reunion.

Basil and I saved Europe from the dreaded Hun.

Right. Both of us together.

And what were you doing during the war?

I wasn't even born.

Ah, skiving away as usual.

It's a genteel retirement home.

People come here for a bit of peace and quiet in their autumn years, not to have

their sleep disturbed by a bunch of geriatric lager louts.

I'll kindly go to your apartments at once, and if there's any more of this

of behaviour, it will be reported to the board, and it will be taken into

consideration when your leases come up for renewal.

Now, do I make myself clear?

minutes, Father, and we shall be wed on the morrow.

Tom, you are drunk.

That's funny. So am I.

And you have woken me up.

We've woken everyone up.

Battle went into the kitchen to steal a snack and got dropped on by Mr.

Quok Python.

I told him it only ate cats, but he's still screaming the place down.

Oh, yes.

He thinks he's got the DTs.

Well, it serves him right.

I apologise.

I didn't mean to wake you.

Oh, that's all right.

So, did you enjoy your reunion?

Fewer of us every year.

The old green bottles waiting to accidentally fall.

But did you enjoy it?

Oh, yes.

Sergeant Major Finch set up an assault course in the dining room and had us

climbing up the furniture and swinging off the curtains.

Then we dropped our trousers... and stuck our bums out the window.

What a witty and sophisticated salon.

So how did it end?

Oh, same as usual.

Toast to everyone we could think of, a chocolate pudding fight and the arrival

of the police.

All fine boys together.

Yes, I love them all very dearly. My best chum.

Oh.

Nice to know one's position in the scheme of things.

Oh, but you too.

You're my best chum. It's just that the chaps show their affection in different

ways. Oh.

You mean you're not going to show your affection for me by swinging from the

curtains and schlepping me in the mush with a chalky meringue?

That's very disappointing. One knows when one's a true bosom buddy of

Major Finch.

He allows you to scratch your initials on the metal plate in his skull.

Masons eat your heart out.

What are you going to do now?

Well, I'm contemplating quite a serious pee.

And after that?

After that, hell, the rest of my life is free.

Good. Why?

Well, I thought as you're in such fine fettle and you've woken me up, we might

round off a good evening in the traditional manner.

Big pillock.

Not cocoa.

Oh, is it a saint's day?

I'll hit you.

You mean noughties.

Noughties? That's what Mrs Higgins calls it. She used to do for us before the

war. Always saying, Mr Higgins likes his noughties of a Saturday night.

Tom, I am totally uninterested.

So is Mrs Higgins, by all accounts.

Just a minute.

Oh. Does my forwardness worry you?

No, I think you have got a very nice forwardness.

I'm not sure whether I'm up to it. Since when?

Well, it's just, I'm not sure, you know. I've had the odd drink.

Well, it's always done wonders for you in the past. Even better than your

of Trigger.

Why don't you let me handle it?

Oh. Oh.

Is it that whenever one talks about sex, it always comes out as a double

entendre? Probably because we are basically a juvenile nation at heart and

forever embarrassed by the mere mention of... Sex.

Noughties.

Tom, I am now going to my perfumed boudoir.

You have exactly three minutes to attend to your toilette.

Strip down to basic battle dress and meet me on the field of Mars.

May the best man win. Hail Caesar.

Oh, what a wonderful woman.

How's battle?

I've sedated him, but he still insisted in sleeping on top of the wardrobe.

I really do think you have to have a word with Mr. Kwok about that.

Snake? Nonsense.

Food pilferage has dropped by almost 8 .5 % since he got his friend Lorraine

Who? Lorraine. His python is called Lorraine.

Oh, I've got a sister called Lorraine. Can she swallow a whole sheep?

I think so.

I don't think he called his snake after your sister. Oh, I am glad.

You haven't seen my cat, have you? No.

No, no, no, I can't say I haven't.

Well, I've never stayed out this...

Yes, well, never mind your damn cat. I'm worried about me.

You're not having a breakdown again, are you? No, I am not.

It's just nothing's changed.

I'm still not going anywhere.

Aren't you going to Majorca?

I meant as a person.

Most people go to Majorca as persons, Harvey.

You can't go as freighter as household pets because they don't make those

air holes big enough.

Jane, I meant I'm still here.

I should be...

I should be hanging out with the business elite, you know, shooting

hospitality tents at Wimbledon.

I should be out there, chewing grit, killing bears.

I think what you need is a nice hot milky drink. No, I do not.

How about a baby, then?

What? I have heard that the advent of children reduces a young man's thanks.

Once he has recreated himself, he finds a inner peace.

What do you want me to do?

Rent a couple of orphans for the weekend?

Oh, Father Harvey, I know you'd make a marvellous father.

And if I could be of any assistance, I'd be the mother of your five children.

Just say the word and leave the rest to me.

I think I'll just have the milky drink.

Anna, stop that.

Ooh, got our happy face on, have we?

Why don't you go and jump under a train?

That's better. Now, eat your cornflakes.

Carefully. We wouldn't want you to choke to death or turn purple or anything,

would we?

Here we are, Basil.

Basil, are you all right?

The biggest snake in the whole wide world.

Are you bragging again?

wrap itself round me and squeeze me until my eyes pop out and my bottom

explodes. Back off.

Yes?

Open.

Oh. Have a nice day. Morning, Tom.

What have you done to Diana?

Nothing.

Well, keep spitting barbed wire, so watch yourself.

Morning.

Sleep well?

No.

But sit down.

Don't want to let the whole world know.

Pass out, did we?

No, not at all.

Forget our arrangement?

No. Find something better to do?

No. Then we're the bloody, we're the bloody away.

I'm very sorry.

Not good. enough, Tom.

I was one of the first of the modern women.

I never had any problems setting the pace when it came to close encounters of

the grubby kind.

And in my time, like most fellas, I've had my knockbacks.

And I didn't like them. So over the years, I've made damn sure I was onto a

certainty before I issued the embossed invitations.

Uh... I'm sorry.

So where did you get to last night?

The bathroom.

In this country?

Mine. I went to the bathroom for a pee.

For 40 minutes?

Yes.

But what did you drink, for God's sake? The Atlantic Ocean?

Tom?

I don't want to talk about it, all right?

I didn't come to your party. I'm sorry I didn't.

That's all I have to say on the matter. And now I've got to go.

Where?

Tom?

What is it, Basil?

Lorraine tried to swallow me whole last night. Oh, don't say that, Basil. What

is the matter with Tom?

She had a go at him, too.

He's probably exhausted from rolling round the kitchen with her.

Felt up, Basil. Oh,

very charming. Very royal family.

Washing. Just a bit of washing. You know, putting washing into the washing

machine to wash.

You're washing?

Yes, I'm washing. Washing? Washing. Yes, well, I think we're pretty clear on

that now.

And now for your next question and your chance to win a brand new lounge suite

and a holiday for two in sun -drenched Croydon.

Could you tell the viewers why are you washing?

Um... I want to get clean.

But it's Thursday.

You only wash on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays with Jewish holidays as a

backup.

Because? Yes.

Because I wanted to.

Ah, so drunk you wet the bed. No, certainly not.

Why did you ask that?

Does something smell?

Do I smell?

Stop. For heaven's sake, think of the ozone layer.

Thousands of Greenpeace sandalistas bicycling in here and dragging us off

public humiliation.

What are you doing?

It smells of peat.

Peat, peat, peat. Peat.

Peat who?

Peat bog.

Do I know him?

From hiking with Basil.

I must take him to the dry cleaners.

Hiking?

He and Basil have never hiked anywhere except down the pig and bollocks or

whatever the stupid huts are.

Why don't you do the same?

Why are you whistling?

Because I like to whistle.

Oh, that damn blast.

Useless taps.

Oh, come on, for goodness sake, I haven't got all day.

Don't go sticking that.

Oh, is that the best you can do?

Washing everything.

He has got himself some tart.

Tom?

What

are

you doing?

You have been putting up... aftershave on your willy.

You have got a woman.

Well, let's make sure you smell nice all over, shall we?

Diana.

Diana, for goodness sake. All right.

Doesn't matter.

I've got no claims on you.

I'm not the jealous or vindictive type.

If you want to whore around after some grubby little slut, then that's fine by

me. There isn't another woman. Oh, don't give me that.

You come home last night.

You avoid the glorious pleasures of my bed. And why was that?

Well... Because you had already given at the office, hadn't you?

By the time my bid was through, you were already sexually bankrupt.

God, I feel so humiliated.

How old is she?

Diana, you must understand... Like doing clean undies?

the pillaging of marks and sparks and the great dollops of aftershave on the

fella.

I can explain.

Well, all right, then, go on.

What? Explain.

Well, I... I can't explain.

No, I bet you can't.

Regimental reunion, my bum.

Wait a minute.

Her name is Lorraine, isn't it?

Lorraine? Basil was mumbling about you and he having a bit of a pedal with a

bike called Lorraine.

Lorraine is a python.

Oh, yes, I'll bet she is.

In the kitchen.

Oh, a really class act. You have taken up with a tart who has had half the

regiment in the kitchen. Well, good bloody luck to you. I am now going to go

strangle Basil, and when I get back, I expect that you will have... and shipped

out of my house.

But... it's my house.

Oh, it's you.

Who are you expecting?

Mormons. And you were going to shoot?

And Jehovah's Witnesses, and Hare Krishna, and most of all, those

kids who sell oven gloves.

I'll shoot anyone who wakes me up.

It is 3 p .m.

So what are you, the speaking clock?

Is Geoffrey at home? Hi, Dad.

What's up, Geoffrey?

Marion's just been outlining her shooting season to me. Don't worry, Dad,

not loaded.

Was it something you wanted, Dad?

Diana thinks I was taken up with a python called Lorraine.

Why don't we go down to the pub, Dad?

Good idea.

I meant me and Dad.

Could that be silly?

I haven't had a drink since who?

But... Could we step on it, please?

Did you want something, Diana?

Yes. What did Tom and you get up to last night?

Just the usual regimental piss -up and bum -flashing night.

What about Lorraine?

Oh, you heard about that.

What happened?

She had a go at us in the kitchen.

Oh, did she?

She spotted me with my head in the fridge and jumped me from behind.

She was on the rampage. Nearly squeezed the life out of me.

And Tom?

I'd have been a goner if Tom hadn't dragged her off to the larder and given

a quick one -two.

I thought you wanted to know what happened.

Well, I don't. I think that you and Tom are the most disgusting pair of

degenerates I have ever come across.

Don't you worry, Iris.

I'm much more degenerate than Tom.

Marion.

Dan, where have you been?

Just to the gents.

Did you write a novel while you were there?

No. I got you a pint.

Oh, dear.

Will you excuse me, Geoffrey?

I've thought

of

some lovely names.

Tarquin and Justin and...

Trixie Bell.

Trixie Bell Baines.

Hello, Diana.

Jane, what are you doing?

Harvey is feeling stressed.

Oh, and you're strangling him. Thank you, Diana.

What do you want, or are you just on a random eye -poking expedition?

I want to complain.

Oh, well, what a surprise. How unusual.

Diana Trent wants to complain. Well, well, well, what a shock.

Shut up, you gibbering idiot.

He's not a gibbering idiot.

He's been cured of gibbering. He's just an idiot now.

Shut up, Gibber.

Well, what is it this time?

Are you aware that some of the inmates of this place are availing themselves of

a local harlot?

Really? What's she like?

I have to know the full story.

Do you have her number?

Harvey! Look, it's just academic interest.

Now, which residents are paying for what's so freely available right here?

Tom and Basil.

Basil, possibly, but... But not Tom.

He's a proper gentleman with impeccable taste.

Well, in most areas.

Yes, well, obviously he has been led astray by a village slattern who seems

have the sexual appetite of a randy anaconda.

Are you sure you haven't got her number?

I'm sure the police know who she is, so I suggest you get on to them and have

this Saturday night special run out of town.

Preferably tarred and feathered, but I will accept a pair of broken legs.

Why have you got a name there?

She's called Lorraine.

It's called Lorraine? Is she on the game round here?

She teaches piccolo in Walthamstow.

Look, it's a common name these days. Even old Quocky's python is called

Lorraine. What?

Mr Quock, his snake, the python, he's called it Lorraine, but not after my...

all in the kitchen last night.

Oh, my God.

What is it? Nothing, nothing. I seem to have strayed into a French...

a bit tense than holding it too hard. Of course I did.

Look, I could shake it around all over the place.

But you're not doing that, Dan.

Oh, sorry.

And I've lost control of it, too.

It dribbles.

I don't know anything about this. Why don't you see a doctor?

A doctor? Or a plumber, maybe. But not me, eh?

I mean, this sort of situation here could be misconstrued by certain people.

Come on, let's go.

I can explain.

The man I was in there with, this man, is my father.

Just showing him my John Thomas.

Oh,

Geoffrey!

They had to catheterise him. What's that?

Oh, he had a blockage in his waterworks, which eventually became so agonising

that they had to drain him.

How else did they do that?

Oh, they run a tube.

Straight up his watsit into the bladder.

In such pain, they could have used a red -hot poker and he'd have been grateful.

Do you mind?

That's a wimp.

So what is causing this blockage?

Quack's checking him out now.

Oh, God.

I was so mean to him.

He and Basil were just harmlessly hanging from the fixtures and fittings

sticking their arses out of windows.

He started dousing his privates with aftershave and talking about having a

rumble with a Lorraine in the kitchen.

Well, I leapt to the wrong conclusions.

Well, how was I to know the bloody python was called Lorraine?

I mean, where did Kwaki get a name like that from?

I mean, something disgusting in Korean.

Well, I mean, it's hardly my fault, is it?

Am I in your nightmare, or are you not?

I'm so sorry. I didn't realise.

Probably because I couldn't tell you.

Precisely, silly old fool.

Why couldn't you tell me what was wrong with you?

I was embarrassed.

So what is wrong with you?

Well, Quack conducted a fairly basic test.

What was that?

Well, um... Let's say he had gloves on, shall we?

Just wait for a moment, he said.

Come on, Tom. Come and sit down.

I'm sorry that I ranted at you. That's all right.

Quite funny, really.

Yes.

I'm sure it'll be all right.

Just part of the getting creaky process.

Probably the direct result of sticking a bum out of the window on a chilly

evening. I expect so.

You'll be laughing in five minutes.

Nothing serious ever happens to you.

Except me, of course.

I promise to snuff it before you do, OK?

And as I have no intention of buggering off for some years yet, I know that

you'll be just fine.

Be angry, Tom.

Two razorblades kick rocks, but be angry.

Mr Ballard.

Back in a sec.

Don't be silly.

I'm not going to miss this.

I am his European attorney, so watch yourself.

She is my common wife.

Common law wife, if you don't mind.

Spill the beans, haven't got all day.