Original subtitles

It's a bit like Bayview.

Even got its own idiot veins now.

Under the circumstances, I don't think that's a very nice thing to say, Tom.

Just a bit of stress, Jane.

He'll be out soon.

Just whatever you do. Don't mention Diana.

Yes.

This is the way to manage people I could feed the

wrinkly any old rubbish

What who?

Oh, Tom.

Diana says hello.

Tom! Oh, sorry.

Mustn't mention Diana.

I mean, sorry. I mean, I mustn't mention no -one.

How are you, Harvey?

Harvey?

I'm touching you.

You usually tell me not to. Don't you?

No, it's all right, Jane.

It doesn't matter.

You can crawl all over me if you like.

You see, I'm not really here.

Oh, I know that feeling.

Up over the wrist.

Banged up and killed it.

Don't you worry, we're tunnelling out on Wednesday.

Tom, we're trying to get him back to reality, not further away.

Have they been using the old electrical shock stuff?

You know...

Very insensitive of me.

Almost worse than mentioning Diana.

Sorry.

Well, thank you so much for coming. You've really cheered me up. Now I think

need a little rest.

Oh, but we've only just got here.

Don't you want to hear how things are going at Bayview?

That's all in the past.

I'll not be coming back to Bayview.

Bayview will soon be forgotten.

And everything that went with it.

Goodbye, Joan.

I am someone who'll cheer you up.

Who? Oh, it'll be a special surprise.

Not Diana.

Shh, you mustn't mention Diana.

It upsets Harvey.

Right, I'm sorry.

I won't tell.

Thank you.

Well, it's better be off. Yes, I think so.

And you keep your strength up.

I'll get on to the RAF to drop you in another pair of tin legs.

to go to Coventry.

See if I care.

He's never coming back again.

Don't you worry. He's just not himself at the moment.

Which can only be an improvement.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I meant... I'm not sure what I meant.

You see, sex is really my area.

Belt up, Basil.

Oh, good idea.

Belt up, Basil.

stick to their deal, he'd be fitting me with concrete boots.

Well, I don't want concrete boots.

What do you wear with concrete boots?

Just don't fret, Jane. It'll be all right in the end.

Just remember the Bayview Code.

We are here to serve the residents in a kind and responsible manner, even

-handedly, and with no prejudice, bias, or personal feelings allowed to

affect... our work. Right. At all times, we must be professional and calm.

Right. You murdering cow!

Hello.

Hello.

Basil. Oh, hello, Diana.

Thank you.

Hello, Diana.

Thank you, Jenny.

Let's try it in Swahili, shall we?

Hello, Jean.

Remember the code.

Hello, Diana.

I hate you.

We are having a bundle of laughs today.

Look, I don't give a damn if none of you hoggy -brained fish ever talk to me

again. What I do object to is having this group... inducted heaped on me

of your own desire to be a permanent victim.

Just think about it, hmm?

Who has been getting up our collective noses all these years?

Who has been ripping us off rotten?

Who has even tried to have half of us evicted, huh?

Harvey the Rat Baines, that's who.

We have all waged war against him.

We have all signed petitions to have him shot.

bike at Bournemouth City Gates.

And when we do manage to get rid of the little fidget for a bit, what do you all

do?

You're all miserable because you're missing your daily whippings.

You're feeling guilty for having overcome the enemy, and you are blaming

feebleness on me.

Well, you're all crackers.

And you're all losers.

And now I'll have my soup.

I've got a new condom today, Diana.

It's got Mickey Mouse ears on it.

Oi!

What's the matter with you two?

Ah,

bet their charm school went bust.

Any particular reason?

Not very hungry.

Oh.

What are you doing?

What does it look like?

It looks like you're polishing the light bulbs.

That's probably what I am doing. Why?

They collect dust, which diminishes the light output, which I have paid for.

repartee today.

I make an anti -accountant remark, and all who can come back with is mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Oh, all right.

Oh, how was he? How was who?

Oh, Harvey Baldy Baines.

I'm not stupid. I know you sneak off to see him. I don't sneak off anywhere,

Diana. I come and go as I please, and I visit whom I please.

Oh. How is he?

Goodness knows.

I have a very tenuous grasp on reality myself.

No point in asking me how my fellow nutters are.

I bet he's putting it on. He's faking it.

Having a nervous breakdown presupposes a degree of sensitivity in the first

place, so that counts him right out.

I bet he's setting up some dodgy insurance claim.

And are all the doctors in on it too?

Oh, for heaven's sake.

It wasn't my fault the little willy went bananas.

It was the blinding light of his own self -knowledge.

He looked at himself and at last realised what a dreadful little snot he

And, quite understandably, went a bit too lally.

Anything could have flipped him over.

So, knowing that he was at this delicate juncture of his life's journey, you set

him up naked in the dining room when the council inspector walked in. It was

very funny.

True, but nevertheless...

I didn't know he was going to start frothing at the gills and biting the

furniture. Because I warned you, but did you listen? No, you came trundling into

town on your steamroller and flattened the poor blighter. I was just waging

another battle against the hairless little maggot.

And I won. But the moment he's gone, he's sanctified St. Harvey of all

I have even heard some people he tried to turn into glue, saying they were

missing him.

I don't understand it.

That's because you never had a family. What?

That's what we were here, a family. And a family tries to accept each other.

They don't throw the dodgy ones into the skip.

But you disliked him as much as I did.

But he did give me something to dislike.

Every group has to have its hate object.

That's why they invented Sergeant Majors.

You need a figure of loathing at the top to unify the troops below.

Very pop psychology.

Now we have no one to concentrate our frustrations on, so we'll turn against

each other.

Everybody needs a bastard in their lives.

How about me? Won't I do?

Overqualified.

to your fellow workers.

If I cross the picket line, Quacky says he'll casserole me.

Well done, Diana.

What do we want?

I think this is probably about the craziest idea Dad's ever had. Listen, we

a major investment in Bayview. We make a profit because Harvey runs it the way

he does. He goes and the place will be overrun with accountants and tax people

and you'll end up in jail.

Me? Not your idea.

You find the document, fat boy.

The world is full of awful people.

The only people I know are awful people.

Where are the good people?

Are there any good people?

And please don't drop your wrappers on the floor.

There are no cleaners. They've all gone back to Paraguay.

What's this?

do the cooking, because Mr.

Kwok has booby -trapped the kitchen with hand grenades.

But I need my stamina.

I've got the ladies' bridge team coming over.

On this sort of fodder, I'll never get me grand slam together.

What do you want, Tom?

Cheese and tomato, or tomato and cheese?

I'll leave the choice to you, Jane.

Oh, dear.

There's none left.

if you like. I'm not going to dignify your behaviour by getting cross.

Well, I do hope you don't starve to death or anything.

Pathetic. Everyone's pathetic.

No, no, Mrs. Swift. Look, look, I'm fine.

I'm just playing the percentage here that I'm making a smart move.

Just believe me.

It's all under control.

Look, I've got to go, Swiftie. I'll talk to you later. Bye -bye.

Hello, Harvey.

Oh.

Oh, hello.

Dear friends, how nice of you to visit this... this broken wreck that was once

me.

Uh -huh.

Four mils bento, three mils. An over -pluck pin and a stabiliser.

How can you tell?

Stupid question.

How do we get him out of it?

Six mils and a toxin, two grams.

Phenophen. Oh, failing that, a swift kick in the nuts.

I can't believe the figure of a man, but some things still do filter through,

you know.

Now, what do you want?

You've got to get out of here and back to Bayview. The place is coming apart.

Oh, dear.

Such a tragedy.

Geoffrey, bash him round the head.

Do you mind?

Oh, that's very interesting.

What is?

Very interesting indeed.

Huh.

Do you in a minute, Geoffrey?

Bye, Harvey.

It's been fascinating.

What's she on about?

I don't know. I've been asking myself that for years.

Miss Nish puts fertiliser on her cornflakes.

Really, Marion?

I see.

Mm -hmm.

Well, thank you for that.

Most interesting.

Thank you very much.

Bye -bye.

Come in.

I'm glad I've got you on your own.

Well, actually... Things are developing.

In what way? There's a new man coming to run things.

Dr. Swift, he's on the board.

He faxed me this morning.

The swine.

Have you called the police?

Dr. Swift has sent me a set of instructions that have to be carried out

he gets here.

That sounds very omnibus.

Anyone not carrying out their duties in the normal manner to be fired and

replaced immediately.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. All residence contracts.

to be sent to our lawyers.

He wants to find loopholes and get rid of everybody and replace them with more

economically viable units.

But he's a doctor.

So was Crippen.

I'm sure Diana will soon drop a rat down his trouser.

Oh, and there's this.

The residents heard that Harvey would come back if...

We, the undersigned residents of Bayview, call upon the management to

Diana Trent from Bayview, owing to her disruptive behaviour.

Dear, oh, dear.

It is as I prophesied. Remove the Sergeant Major and the troops start

amongst themselves.

I've got to tell her to leave.

Just stall for a moment, Jane, and let me have those.

What are you going to do?

I haven't a clue.

Oh, I'll have a chat with Jimmy Stewart. He knew how to deal with small -town

attitudes.

Off you go.

Oh, I wish I was someone else.

Time to address the Senate.

What's this?

Desserts.

This is no good for me. I need... Treatled tart and custard and roly -poly

spotty dick.

Proper puddings.

Well, you're having yoghurt.

And dinner's at McDonald's.

I'll run you down in the bus.

And no throwing bottles or spitting out of the window.

All right, you people, lend me your ears.

I have here the most pornographic document I have ever read.

Oh, jolly good. Me after you.

I am referring to your collective petition to get rid of Diana.

Well, may you avoid my eye, dear V. Robbins, but who saved you from that

investment bond shark, eh?

And you, Sam Simpson, who raised the money for your greyhound's hernia?

And you, Arthur.

Who broke the nose of your son for you? The claim answer to each question, Diana

Trent. Right.

Your name's here, Battle.

They threatened me with a bedroom boycott.

That's evil.

And it was for the staff, too. If Diana stays, they'll all get the sack.

Nonsense. There's laws in this land. You all know that.

You're just a flock of sheep with short memories and should all be down the

abattoir for putting your name to this obscenity.

Now then, what are we going to do about it, eh?

Oh, Corky.

Food's picked up since you went on strike.

What? Mmm, really delicious.

Who needs a cook when you can get such good takeaways?

And the garden's looking good, Antonio.

Eh? The garden.

We all like the more wild and kent look.

A few weeks' time and it'll be absolutely splendid.

Don't really need a gardener, do we?

Well, see you later.

Or not, as the case may be.

Getting rid of your old junk?

No, you're still here.

Don't forget your award.

Huh? I got that for my Cambodia shots.

God. I remember that awards night. It was a great party.

Three people at my table were hospitalized with alcohol poisoning.

Oh, God, I miss working.

The bug, the danger, the loonies.

Hanging your liver out to dry every morning.

Did I ever... I show you the shrapnel scar on my bum?

Creeping.

And what are you doing?

I'm packing up.

Buggering off, as they say at Windsor.

Oh, yeah.

Yes.

You were right.

I went too far.

I didn't realise, you see, what was life and death to me was just a game to

everyone else.

It's like I've come into the playground, taken on the school bully. Instead of

just giving him a black eye, I've killed him.

Nobody liked him, but they feel that murder is a bit extreme.

Story of my life, really. Always was way over the top.

I can't blame the old trouts for turning

against me.

I was yelling at them from a different planet.

Looks like they never heard a word.

No, you're wrong. We heard every word. No, I don't think so.

Yes, it was just that they didn't understand.

All they needed was a translator.

Someone who could explain the weasel under the sideboard.

You've been playing with that Harold Pinter again, haven't you?

Let this petition explain it. No, I don't want to see that, Tom. No, go on,

it. No, please, don't do this to me, Tom. Face it, Diana.

Be brave.

You're old enough to know what people think of you. I think that you are being

very cruel.

Don't tell me they've disappeared. The famous Diana Trent balls.

We, the Undercline, declare... We, the Undercline, declare our support

for Diana Trent.

She's always been a great helper and advisor to all the residents.

Will we hereby elect her residence representative to the new management,

they may be?

The sign by everyone.

Mm -hmm.

But I heard you and Jane... What?

What did you hear?

I was in my bedroom.

You've always been as deaf as a post. What?

I said you've always been as deaf as a post.

You shouldn't rely on your terrible hearing.

No.

No, I don't suppose I should.

So, how are we going to get out of this fine mess, Arlie?

Oh, I can't do this, Tom.

Penance, child, penance.

You shoved him over the cliff, so now you've got to drag him back. Well, isn't

there an easier penance? I mean, can't I poke my eye out or something?

Be as big as you are, old thing.

I can't. When it comes to apologies, I'm a midget.

Hi, Swifty. It's Harvey Nigel Baines. How are you?

Do what?

You got a petition from the residents?

Great. I knew it would work.

And a call from who? Oh, sorry, Swifty. I'll call you later. Got to go. Bye.

Oh, he's asleep.

Oh, we'd better go.

No, no, no.

We'll wake him.

Well, how about if I poke out both my eyes and cut off my arm? Shh.

Harvey.

Harvey Kins.

Wakey, wakey. God almighty.

Oi.

Hello, Tom.

How nice of you to come.

I brought someone to see you.

No, no, no. Keep her away. Keep her away.

Protect me.

Protect me.

Nurse! Doctor!

Help! Shut your face!

Tom, how could you do this to me?

Diana has something to say to you. Oh, please.

No more abuse. No more vile flanders.

Well, just hang on a tick while she has her say.

Diana?

Harvey?

I want to say... How about both eyes, both arms and a leg?

Harvey.

Over the years, we have had our ups and downs.

I don't remember any ups. All right!

Sorry.

There are occasions...

When we have not seen eye to eye over certain matters.

There's never been an occasion when we have seen eye to eye.

And you may have thought that I felt you were a grubby little rat dropping who

should have been flushed down the toilet at birth.

You mean to me again?

Stick to the point, Diana.

Well, I'm trying, I'm trying.

It's like giving yourself a triple bypass.

You were just confessing how unpleasant you've been towards me.

Oh, come on, come on.

I'm getting old.

Diana.

Harvey.

I'm sorry. There, I've done it.

What did she say?

I don't know. I think she was talking to her hand. Oh, for God's sake.

I said I was sorry.

S -O -R -R -R -Y, all right?

There aren't three R's in sorry.

You don't mean it if you don't spell it properly.

All right, I'm S -O -R -R -Y. There, now, I have spelled it properly. Can we

Hold on a minute.

Sorry for what, Diana?

I don't fully comprehend the extent of your sorriness.

This is going too far.

Expunge your soul, Diana.

Cast out dem devils.

Harvey, I'm sorry for having driven you nuts and I'm sorry for having persecuted

your affection more than you deserve.

Okay?

Well, isn't that nice?

There'll be a warm glow in the twilight zone that I now inhabit.

Well, we were actually hoping you might come back. to the twilight zone that you

used to inhabit, Bayview.

No. What? Why not?

Not possible, I'm afraid.

I've communicated my terms to the relevant parties, and until they're met,

I'm afraid I shall just have to linger here in the wasteland of the psyche.

I have said I am sorry. Now get back to work.

Not until you've gone.

That's my terms.

You silly old goat.

You said he'd come back if I apologised. I have now disembowelled myself for

nothing. I thought it might be the trick.

Yes, well, it hasn't.

So, I had to bring up the big guns.

Harvey?

Hmm?

You're faking.

What do you mean?

You're no more Gaga than I am.

No, forget that.

Not again.

You're not Gaga at all.

Who says?

Well, Marion first picked it.

She said you are not reacting according to any known drug combination she knew

of, and she knows them all.

I then put it to your doctor, and he agreed, but said they needed the money.

Then I rang the board and gave them the good news.

You did what?

Swifty Swift said if you weren't back at your post by tea time, he was sending

an Antiguan hitman over to break your legs.

Dumb blood.

Excuse me, Tom.

If you knew all this, why did you make me apologise?

I thought I had to give you my soul.

And God bet me I couldn't make you do it.

I won a get -out -of -purgatory -free card.

I've done both of us. I will never forgive him.

I'm with you there, Diana.

I don't believe it.

A miracle.

You've both agreed on something.