Original subtitles

And one, and two, and three, and four.

You have a slimming the channel, Nick.

Very good for me.

How come?

Fingers bummed. I'm committing it to memory so I can under it up on cold

evening.

Look, Inger.

Inger has come all the way from Norway to give these classes, and the least he

can do is make an effort. Now, what do you say?

Oh,

right, right.

Oh, hello, Jane.

You look like you just fell off your broomstick.

Stupid bit of meat.

Yes, poor old Harvey.

Her? Her.

The tart from the tundra.

Look at her.

I am. I am.

I think she's after him. I can tell.

How can you tell?

He's always hanging around her, talking about her, taking her out for meals.

Oh, so she's definitely after him, then.

I expect she'll be after me next.

If only you and Diana hadn't split up.

She'd soon have that filthy troll back to the fjords.

We haven't split up.

We're just taking a break from each other.

I can handle any crisis round here just as well as Diana.

That

was

pretty good, wasn't it?

Oh, come on, look, I tried so hard for you people.

I'm embarrassed on your behalf.

Inga, may I apologise and offer you lunch?

That's most kind.

Jenny, inform the others that lunch will be delayed by one hour while Inga and I

dine alone.

Inga.

Dinah would have killed him for this.

Look at her.

Slut!

What is she saying? What is slut?

Oh. It's an old Celtic greeting. It means, hello and welcome, fan hate of

frozen north. Oh, I'm afraid when I get home.

Hello, mother, I will say.

Slap!

Well, chubby chops.

Isn't this lovely?

A nice walk in a posh park.

No Harvey Baines getting up my nosy.

No Jane wailing round my ankles. And no Tom.

No Tom.

There, my little didy -dumpkins. Do you see that Pidgey -Widgey? Nice plump

Pidgey -Widgey for dinner.

What?

Oh, Nanny.

Do you hear that?

Posh Nanny thinks I'm your Nanny -Wanny.

I suppose I am, since I fired the real one.

She was a right bitchy -witchy, wasn't she?

Let's park our body here, shall we?

Baby walking larks are a bit knackering.

Maybe we'll take cabs in future.

Come on.

Let's get you a rug. Nice and comfy. There we are.

Hello, Nanny.

And whose mummy do you think...

My mummy's Sarah Parry.

That's Miffy's Parry. Is it, little one?

Well, near enough.

Hubby's done a runner.

The baby's nanny doesn't know that this bench is used only by the nannies of

titled mummies, does she?

What?

Who are these nannies only on this bench?

Well, little one, you'd better tell Nanny Hitler here that Nanny Diana is a

-known psychotic.

And you'd better tell her that the world has moved on in the last hundred years.

And if she starts treating Nanny Diana like some refugee from upstairs

downstairs, then Nanny Diana is likely to rummage behind your bunny rug, pull

out her favourite axe and start chopping bits off her fat head.

She's all the way to the piggy market.

Revolution comes to Kensington.

You really love these, Dad.

Look, Geoffrey, I'm very grateful for the way you've redecorated the place,

I'm quite happy with the shelves the way they are.

No, no, your ratio of wall to shelving space is way below your optimum

capability. Don't you worry, you'll have shelves all over the place by the time

I've finished.

Geoffrey!

Something wrong, Dad?

Look, Geoffrey, I know you have hundreds of yards of shelving in your house, but

we don't need any more shelving here.

Really. We have nothing to put... on any more shelves.

Well, you could always store extra shelves on them.

No, Geoffrey.

Oh, OK, then.

How about the bathroom? Lots of extra space there. No corridor, Geoffrey.

Sorry, I get a bit shelf -mad sometimes.

Well, it's better than drink, I suppose.

It's my marriage, you see.

There are things that I get from a piece of pine shelving that I don't really

get from my wife.

Fidelity, sobriety.

Even sleeping with a bit of shelving would be less harrowing.

You can rely on a shelf.

A shelf doesn't run up with known criminals.

A decent shelf just hangs in there for you, stays steady.

A decent shelf knows how to support your condiments.

Dan?

I'm not boring you, am I? No, of course not.

I just thought I'd take a little bit of a nap.

You've only just got up.

And very tiring it was, too.

See you in a bit.

Oh, I can manage.

I don't need Diana.

Oh, well, maybe I should just ring her and tell her it's all under control.

Are you all right?

Yes, yes, I'm fine. I have just gouged a lump out of my hip.

Nothing that can't be fixed by a good carpenter.

Disposable clothes for these dwarves.

Are you clearing up? What? Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm the nanny.

Baby's mess is my responsibility.

You just go and run your brothel.

It's a model agency.

It's the same thing. It's a whorehouse of the mind.

Can we have less chat from the staff, please?

Why does this child throw her toys around?

She's probably trying to hit you.

with nannying, are you? Oh, good Lord, no. I love it.

Getting up in the middle of the night being peed on and...

thing? How's everything?

Oh, fine!

Fine!

Just... Fine, fine!

Fine? Fine!

Oh.

So, things are fine, then?

That is roughly what I was saying.

So, how are things here, then?

What?

Oh, no, of course.

I'm here, aren't I?

Just about.

How are things there? Oh, brilliant! Wonderful!

Mar...

Fine.

Fine.

Manatee without me, then?

Oh, yes, nothing to it.

Well, jolly good.

And Geoffrey's moved in for a while?

Oh, my God, you poor thing.

It's great fun.

We're rebuilding the kitchen.

Why has he moved in?

Marion's gone off with a criminal.

He thought I might be lonely.

And are you lonely, Tom?

Of course not.

I'm in London. Wild times all round.

Right.

Same here.

Lots of fun.

Definitely doing the right thing, then.

Absolutely the right thing.

Well, that's good.

Yes. I've got to go.

Can you call me? Go!

Go!

Have you got Johnny Weissmuller round there?

If you'd broken your ankle, you'd be yelling in pain.

No, it sounds more like a twist.

God, how could you do such a stupid thing?

No point in blaming yourself.

I'm blaming you. You put toys on the stairs.

Well, you don't have to tread on them.

You're the worst nanny I've ever had.

Really? I thought I was rather good.

I can't use nappies in the microwave.

It's an easy mistake.

My baby swore at me this morning.

Learning to talk.

Most of the time, she's just yelling.

Well, that is because she thinks you ought to be spending more time with her.

For goodness sake, the whole point of having a nanny is to take away the

mother's guilt of having a career, not have it rammed down her throat.

No, it's not broken.

Try standing on it.

Go on.

Oh, I can't!

No, you'll have to stay off it for a few days.

Keep it up.

Oh, great.

I meant to go and look at some new models this morning, at some new fashion

show. Because of you, I might miss out on the new imam or evangelista.

What are they, religious festivals?

They're top models.

You need them to make top commissions.

Oh, I've just had a brilliant idea.

Why don't I... Forget it.

Absolutely not. No way are you representing me anywhere.

Oh, that's settled, then.

I've got a better idea.

Yeah, let's do it.

Well, we've been out for a few meals together now. We've done some nice long

runs.

I've done lots and lots of press -ups.

I mean, my hernia's got lots of little hernias all of their own now.

And I was thinking maybe it's about time you and I did a bit of... Well, a bit

of... Well, you know.

Weightlifting?

No, no, no.

No, I wasn't quite thinking that.

No, uh... Well, how about you and I, we go away for the weekend together?

You mean hiking and canoeing?

No.

No, I wasn't thinking so much of sort of outdoor sports as sort of, well, indoor

sports. Volleyball?

No, no.

More sort of, you know, indoor wrestling, bedroom sports.

You know, ooh -ooh.

What are you doing?

No, Inga, no, not my face.

No, Inga, put that down.

No, look, that's my computer. Oh, no, no, no, Inga!

Harvey's seduction technique doesn't seem to have improved.

Everything here?

Oh, fine.

Yes, Diana, I'm handling it all quite well, thank you.

What was that?

Would I like to spend the day looking at lovely young ladies?

What's the address?

Yes.

Yes, okie -dokie.

See you later.

Looks like Diana needs my assistance.

Bound to happen. Look at this.

Oh, the Eiffel Tower.

That's nice.

It's from Marion.

What's it say?

I can't read it through the brandy stains.

Dear dreary knickers.

You see, Dad, a shelf would never talk to you like that.

Go on.

Weather here terrible.

Wish you weren't.

Dickie says, who's Geoffrey? Ha, ha, ha, isn't he a laugh?

And it's signed Mary.

Can't even remember her own name.

Dickie. You mean she's in Paris with Dickie Attenborough?

He must have made it to Switzerland.

Good show, Dickie.

Dickie Biggs, a criminal friend, what am I going to do?

Oh, well, let's think.

Let's ask Diana, eh?

I'm perfectly capable of giving you good advice without asking for Diana's

assistance. All right, then. Dear Marge, my wife is shacked up in Paris with a

man who has done time for armed robbery.

I don't want a divorce. What do I do?

Ah, well...

Hmm. Simple choppers.

We fly in low under this radar, drop on the balcony, stun grenades,

in through the windows, mow down the bad guys, grab the woman, back to the

chopper, and off we go.

Could I just have Diana's number?

Oh, Charles!

I'm handling things now, so what's wrong?

It's that woman.

She's trying to kill my Harvey.

How? Sex.

The S -word.

Oh, my poor, my poor baby. He has weak bones.

Those thighs of hers.

She could crunch him up like a little...

have a solution.

What? Um, decisive action. What?

Um, I know.

Buckets of water, like with dogs.

I am not here.

Get in, get in.

Harvey? I am not here.

Harvey? She bit a piece out of my desk.

Are you sure?

Yes, Harvey.

Oh, my poor baby. Please, Jane, please don't touch me.

Sorry, Harvey. I never want to be touched by anyone ever again.

What did she do?

She not only assaulted my person, she threatened to sue me for sexual

harassment. Oh, dear, what are you going to do?

What do you think I'm going to do, Jane?

I don't know, Harvey.

Has anyone got Diana's number?

That'll be 15 quid, love.

Hell, are we?

Essex, darling.

Don't choke on the law, eh?

Oi, how about a tip?

Red rum in the National.

You're not joking, are you?

Shut up!

He's right, of course.

What do I know about what appeals to the youth of today?

What do they know about what appeals to the old of today?

Could any of us give a toss either way?

You're right, sweetie.

What? Look, we've got a show on here today, darling, and we don't want

old bag ladies clattering the place up, do we?

Take a couple of quid and go buy yourself a bottle of taps or something.

Oh,

my little boss!

Oh, my dad!

Oh, what am I doing here?

Oh, I can't even get up now.

Oh, silly old bat.

What, her old thing?

Tom!

Oh, it's good to see you.

Listen, give an old broad a hand up, will you?

Just can't cope without me, can you?

What's she doing here?

She needs you to help him.

And he needs you to help him get rid of an ascetic Brunhilde.

Harassment? Quite ridiculous.

And Geoffrey wants to know what to do about Marion. She's run off again.

And Basil, what's your problem?

I hear you're looking for young women.

I'm a quality control expert.

or anything else.

Later. I'm supposed to be working here. Diana, this is serious.

Well, it's not, actually. Your problem is really extremely trivial compared to

mine. Geoffrey, do you mind? I'm trying to talk to Diana.

Yes, so am I. My wife's in Paris with a gangster.

So what else is new?

Just shut up, the pair of you. I could lose my job. I could lose my wife. Well,

then count your blessings. You'll be well rid of that daft tart.

What did you call my wife? Sit down, Geoffrey. What's your problem, Geoffrey?

I'm beginning to enjoy this.

That's what she is.

Right, you bloody pervert. You're for it.

for dragging me out, Tom.

I'm glad to be of service now.

punch your dicky on the nose.

Just putting a fan of mine into operation.

Basil!

You let that girl back at once?

Do you?

Shall we go home?

Home, home?

Back to the warmth of the welcoming hearth. Back to the black hole that is

Bayview.

Just shut up.

Oh, good grief.

What's the matter?

I think there must be something wrong with my eyesight.

Has Geoffrey been at these walls with a tube of stripy toothpaste?

That's the new wallpaper.

Don't you like it?

I feel as if I'm in a glass of mouthwash.

Geoffrey has a job lost in the back of his car.

Oh, he would, wouldn't he?

He says it's considered very...

Oh, it is dead tasteful.

Cringemakingly tasteful. Oh, God, I hate good taste.

It is so lacking in courage.

It is so tasteless.

Oh, it's nice to have you back.

She doesn't change, does she?

Oh, I don't know. She's a bit more cheerful.

Prancing ninnies only have memory spans of about three minutes.

Yes, well, that is where you are wrong. Because I have found you a very lovely

model who will make you a great deal of money. Her name is Inga Nordstrom.

Yes, yes, she's a lovely girl with a very winning personality and a fine left

hook.

All right, give my love to my baby and tell her I hope she gets on with the new

nanny. Bye.

Don't you have something to say?

No.

Sam has just got you out of big, messy poos.

How about saying the T word?

T word? What T word?

Thank you, Harvey.

Well, that's perfectly all right, Jane.

Strange woman.

I'm sorry.

No, it's all right, Jane. It's nice to know that some things never change.

Hello?

Oh, gracious, my daughter -in -law from hell.

I thought you were swinging from the chandeliers and buried.

I was on a brief cultural visit, but my wonderful husband popped over to escort

me home.

Which husband is your wonderful husband? I was referring to Geoffrey. My dear,

beloved Geoffrey. Oh, what a man.

What a body. What a load of cobblers.

soppy on him. Don't you dare set back the women's movement 50 years.

No, no, it was Dickie who hit me.

It was Jeffy who hit him.

He's his father's son, you know.

He, uh, he said it was you two who put the lead back in his pencil.

Thank you.

I, uh, I hope you don't die.

Bye.

God, if she's wishing us well, we are in trouble.

Yeah.

Can't possibly start being nice at our age. We'll have to take refresher

in being vile.

How did we do that?

Oh, I don't know. I'm too fagged to fight right now.

Ah, so you're definitely back.

If you'll have me.

There is nothing I would like more in the whole wide world.

Thank you, Tom.

Oh, yeah.

Well, now, I think we should now sort out all those things that are making us

crabby with each other.

Are you sure that's why?

Oh, yes, yes. I've worked out a few solutions. Wait a minute.

Here we are. Now, then. First of all, two television sets in here. Well,

ridiculous. Okay.

I give up.

We'll have yours.

No, no, no. We'll have yours.

Oh, no. I don't mind.

No, no, no. I insist.

Oh, well, jolly good.

I'll put mine in my bedroom.

Oh. Now.

You mean you'll have a TV set to watch in bed and another to watch out here

while I'll only have this one here?

Your choice, Tom.

Now, about furniture.

I think we should get rid of all your tat and just use mine. Why?

Well, you've just won the day over which television set we should watch, so it's

only fair I should win the day over which furniture we should watch.

Oh. I see.

Now, about your hoovering habits.

Oh, dear. Here we go again.

Now, I think that you should be able to hoover as much as you want.

That's more like it. But not before 8 a .m. Oh.

Okay. Nor at any other time when I'm in the house.

Not while you're in the house.

In winter, you sometimes stay in for days.

We could be feet thick in filth. If I agree to that, in fact...

I don't agree to any of this stuff.

You get two tellies, I have to sit on your rotten sofa, and now you want me to

live in a pigsty? Forget it. This is my place.

What did you say?

I am the landlord round here.

We do it my way.

You swine!

You were trying to trick me.

I was trying to talk sense into your fat head, and now you betray me. I am never

going to talk to you again.

And that'll be too soon.

Ow!

Oh, isn't that nice?

Everything back to normal again.