Original subtitles

Oh, Derek, dear you.

You were shooting at a squirrel. I was not.

But what's that?

A catapult and acorns. So?

Squirrels eat acorns. I was passing them one.

You're a feather.

Lying's the only exercise I get round here.

Who wrong with them?

I could do with a couple of months in solitary confinement.

Falling out with Tom, surely?

Oh, no, no, of course not. He's just driving me nuts, that's all.

It's a guilt, I expect.

It's the living in a state of mortal disgrace.

Bite your bum, Jane.

You turn into a pillar of salt and that's what you do.

Mix myself with lemon and tequila and go out smiling.

No, chump, he's just kidding.

Oh, Patrick.

Are you all right, Harvey?

Of course I am.

What's all this jogging for?

Harvey thinks he should have a beautiful body to go with his beautiful mind.

If Harvey's body matched his mind, he'd be the Invisible Man.

All clear. The knitbag's gone jigging.

you looking for?

My new tenancy agreement.

I just want to check the disputes procedure between unmarried tenants.

Oh, dear. Are you getting fed up with Diana?

Of course not. It's just that she's driving me nuts.

Take my advice. Love them and leave them and move on to the next hot babe.

That's what I always do.

Not all old goats like you battle. Some of us try to work it out. I just want to

know where I'll be should push come to shove.

Flatten your back, no, Diana.

At least I pay all the bills. I must have some rights.

Not anymore.

She's your common wife now.

Common law wife, I think you mean.

I know what I mean.

Dreadful, screaming, banshee woman.

What's she done now? Been writing health warnings on your condoms again?

Nothing can stop Harvey Baines from notching up another classic victory. A

world record is... Oh, my God.

I'm in love.

But, Raylene, don't you realise that Shane doesn't love Gail and Wayne

love Kylie?

Shane doesn't love Gail and Wayne doesn't love Kylie?

Who do Wayne and Shane love? Don't be shocked, Cheryl, but...

Wayne and Shane love each other.

Darn it.

I've been seeing someone else.

You've been seeing someone else?

Yes.

I've been seeing someone else.

Who have you been seeing?

Who have I been seeing?

Yes. Who have you been seeing, Shane?

Well, actually, I've been seeing quite a bit of Wayne lately.

What else is on?

Oh, let's have a look.

Ah, two hours of synchronised swimming from Oslo.

Highlights from the Eurovision Song Contest.

Or 12 other assorted soaps.

Are there any without Wayne and Shane frightening the horses?

I doubt it.

Well, I can't sit here all day.

Think I'll have a bit of a clean.

Haven't covered since breakfast.

Oh, God.

Felix Ungerall is forgiven.

Who?

Felix, the odd couple. The anal retentive who couldn't stop cleaning.

What are you saying?

You tidy up every morning.

Well, you don't want the place to be in a mess when the cleaners come in.

That is their job.

Poor girls come in here and despair.

They take a look at your half of the place, they can't find anything to do.

And they look at your half and give up in horror.

you were such an untidy little piggy -wiggy.

When did you last make your bed?

1947.

And then I was so tired I had to get back into it.

A total waste of time.

I've always taken great pride in my hospital corners.

Oh, terrific.

Hold the front page. We'll run photographs.

You may mock.

Thank you, I will.

But tidiness is an indicator of a person's character.

Oh, absolutely.

I mean, look at that messy Michelangelo.

He was a frightful slut, wasn't he? And I mean, it showed in his work, didn't

it? Awful rubbish.

He was all right, but if he had been tidier, he could have done 16 Sistine

chapels. There was only one to do.

Well, he could have done other places as well. Really great men are clean and

tidy. Adolf Hitler was very neat.

Oh, shut up.

play silly games as well, you know. I'm not talking to you.

Diana. What?

We cannot go on like this. Like what?

Getting up each other's noses every ten minutes. We've always done that. Yes,

but in the past, between rounds, we could always retire to our opposite

and have a breather. Now, we can't avoid each other and we're driving each other

nuts.

Yes.

Yes.

It isn't working.

No.

No, it isn't.

We are both miserable.

So what have we agreed to do?

Quite simple.

Really? Yes. You have to move out.

Diana, it's my place.

Oh, I see.

Now we come to the truth.

I pay the rent, so I'm the boss. It's my ball, so we play the game my way. Of

course not. I've never said that. You just did.

As soon as...

You threw money and ownership and general male piggery in my face. I just

didn't want to be moved out of my own home.

That's all.

It's not unreasonable, is it?

No.

No. Of course it isn't, Tom.

So what are we going to do?

Diana, this is not what I meant.

Too late now.

Diana. It is for the best, Tom. No point in stuffing up a good friendship by

living together in misery.

Come on, girls. Drive.

See you soon, Tom. No, you won't.

Well, hurry up. I want to see her before I'm dead. Come on, girl.

Oh, she loves me.

She loves me not.

She loves me.

What a marvellous breeding specimen.

Two genetically perfect people.

We could create a master race.

Run him down.

Do that, Mist.

Don't you ever do that again.

Hannah has left.

What are we going to do?

I can't think, Jane.

Well, what do you think would be best?

A public holiday or a flight of work to school?

Oh, Greg.

It's been my best day ever.

My enemy gone and my true love found.

Oh, I certainly do, Jane. A bit of mad passion, that's what I need. A woman in

daigle leotard and lycra shorts.

Jane? Yes, Harvey?

I'm touching you.

Leotard.

Is this it?

I thought you were successful.

This is a very expensive muse cottage.

It used to be a servant's hovel.

You're a fool to fashion, child.

Do you want to see baby die or not?

All right, all right. Get a move on.

Oh, hello, Sarah.

Hello, Mary.

Diana, this is Mary, little Di's nanny.

Nanny?

Look at you.

You've got your own little doofy pegs. You're so clever.

Her first teeth.

Yes, I know they are her first teeth. I could work that out.

you haven't much experience with children.

I looked after 20 children in Phnom Penh. Oh.

That's not round here, is it?

Oh, dear.

Nanny.

Most people call me nanny. Oh, jolly good.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

How's my little dolly donkins, eh?

How's my little piggy poo chubby chubby?

Current thinking suggests that baby talk can hinder a child's development.

How kind of you to tell me. Well, I am trained.

Right.

I'm off to the agency.

I'll see you both at supper.

Well, Mary lives in. She's like one of the family.

What fun.

See you.

Well,

time for baby's sleep.

Yes, I think I can manage.

Well, she needs changing.

Changing? Her nappy. Yes, I know. Changing her nappy.

I didn't think she was changing her tailor.

Oh,

there. Now then, you just pass me the freshly laundered napkin and the large

safety pin and the talc, and I will change her. You needn't hang around.

What is this?

A disposable napkin.

Disposable? But you mean you throw them away?

Yes. And when were these aberrations invented?

About 30 years ago.

Just checking.

How's it going?

Not so good. Her indoors has told me to pack my bags.

Oh, heck. Why do you suppose that is?

Why do you think I will, Wayne?

Oh, Shane.

Four hours of peace and quiet.

Wonderful.

Four hours of no more yelling.

Great.

Nothing broken for four hours, and not a single unkind reference to my bathroom

habits.

I feel I'm growing inside, becoming a man again, king of my own

castle.

Now I can hoover as much as I like, and have no shoes thrown at me.

Born free.

And life is worth living.

And life is worth living.

If you're born free.

Hello, Dad.

I'm very impressed.

Well, you know, us... us movers and shakers.

For you to have bought this house and set up a business like this.

Very clever.

Yes, I am.

I'll see you soon, Dad.

Not soon enough.

Hey, old kidder.

Oh!

Bye.

Bye.

Oh, God.

Please let me get somewhere with this one.

Dad?

Dad?

Dad, I can't hear you over the hoover.

Torrid!

Diana leave?

What? Why did she go?

Who? Diana.

tidy for Diana when she comes back. Is she coming back, Dan? I don't know,

Geoffrey. I expect if I keep the place nice and clean, she'll hear about it and

come back pretty sharpish.

Did she say what her plans were?

Well, she said she was going to look up a lot of old journalist pals and drink a

lot. So what are you going to do, Dan?

Well, I thought I might go away for a bit. Good idea.

I need people around me.

Calcutta's got lots of people.

I thought I might come and stay with you.

Geoffrey! Yes, dear? Tell him why he can't come and stay with us right now.

Well, why can't he come and stay with us?

Because... Because it's been stolen!

What? Your house?

No, your room. Just your room.

Forgot to mention it. You're much better here.

With Geoffrey. What?

If he's lonely, you can come and stay with him here.

Wouldn't you miss me?

I might just cope.

There you are, Dan. I've got to stay for a few days. That'll be fun, won't it?

Where are you going, Dan?

To get my shovel.

I'm tundering out.

Are you sure you'll be all right without me, dear?

If I get lonely, I'll ask that nice Dickie Big to come round for a few days.

Oh, isn't he a criminal?

Oh, I've never asked.

You wear snakeskin boots.

Get it up.

Get it up, this Jupiter Adonis. Get it up.

Hello, Harvey.

What do you want, Jane?

Can't you see I'm weight training?

called Shorts and Leotards. So?

Well, I believe a woman should keep her man happy.

Well, let's hope Inga feels the thing.

So I got the... What did you say?

Who? Inga, the new aerobics teacher.

Aerobics? Well, the healthier the inmates, the less care they need, the

staff I can lay off.

Inga? Yes, and I think she might be able to help me develop in a few other areas

as well, eh?

Inga? Yes, Inga Nordstrom -Jane. She's stunningly beautiful.

and she's about as tall as you are round.

Inga! Yes, and she's going to get us all into shape, and it's not a moment too

soon for you, is it?

You're turning into a right little pudding, aren't you?

Yes, and I'll soon be a bronze, muscle -rippling young god.

Inga and I will be the coolest couple in the whole of Bournemouth. Inga!

Yes, we'll be like those swingers in the movie ads, all flapping linen jackets

and white shoes.

Oh, God, I've got to get fit!

the editor's office.

This is Diana Trent here.

Diana Trent, the photojournalist who won you all those awards.

Yes, yes, I am still alive.

And who are you?

Oh, Jimmy Willis, the office lad.

You bring round the sandwiches, don't you? I remember you. Have you still got

that bike?

You've got a car and you're the editor now.

Yes, well, I was just kidding, Jimmy. Look, I was really trying to get hold of

Bernie Davis. I rang New York, but they said he wasn't there any longer.

Bernie Davis.

Yes, that old drunk.

And this is this old drunk, and we two old drunks want to get together and

become even further old drunk. So where is he?

Hampstead. Great. Where?

The cemetery.

Stupid little squit.

Wouldn't even get the sandwich order right.

Ah.

Not having much luck?

Sorry?

Digging up old friends.

As most of them appear to be six foot under, I consider that a singularly

inappropriate remark.

Look, I didn't mean anything by that. No, I'm sure you didn't. Would you hush,

please?

Hello, Jumbo.

Yes, right in one.

Dangerous Diana here.

My God, it's good to find someone still rocking.

They haven't turned off your life support machine, have they?

What? No. Well, I've just moved back up to town and I wondered if we could cover

the waterfront one evening.

What?

Somewhere with wheelchair access and an oxygen supply?

You're pulling my leg.

You are.

You've got your own oxygen supply.

All right. What?

Okay. The wig and... pen.

Uh -huh. Seven o 'clock tomorrow evening. Bye, Jumbo.

Oh,

do you know, that man abseiled down the Eiffel Tower after three

bottles of cognac.

Isn't that a bit silly?

Oh, totally bloody deranged. But that's the sort of people we were in those

days. I see.

Irresponsible.

Alive!

Well, some of you.

Nice place, Dad.

Just needs a bit of a facelift, that's all.

It's very well put together, though.

I had a quick run round with my spirit level earlier.

The angles all seem pretty good.

I was doing a bit of research into your light fittings, too.

Do you know they come from Belgium?

Amazing, eh? All the way from Belgium.

Have you ever been to Belgium, Dad?

Marion went there with her friend Dickie Biggs.

To buy tulip bulbs.

They came back via Paris.

And you know, after all that travelling, they forgot to get the tulip bulbs.

It's silly, eh?

I wonder what they pay for the taps in your toilet.

Do you mind if I do a bit of decorating for you, Dan? I like to keep my hand in.

Hello.

Ah, the cavalry.

What ho, Jane?

How wonderful to see you.

Sit down.

Did I ever tell you what a wonderful person you were?

No.

Oh, well, you are.

Just remember, everything's relative, except Geoffrey. He's only a relative

relative.

Right. Have you had any news from Diana?

She only left this afternoon.

Yes, but we need her.

My little Harvey's had a bit of a mental breakdown.

has employed some woman from the Arctic Circle to give you all aerobic clothing.

Well, what could Diana do about that?

Well, I don't know till I've asked her, do I?

Well, you can always try asking me.

I mean, Diana and I were a team.

She didn't do it all on her own, you know.

All right, then.

What are you going to do about Inger Nordstrom, the Viking slut?

Um, tell you what.

I'll ring Diana and see what she says.

Regency stripe, I think, Dan. I've got just the thing for you.

Rock -a -bye, baby, on the treetop.

When the wind blows, the cradle will rock.

What on earth was that baby doing up a tree, eh?

Shall I sing you a really good one?

Yes, yes, come on. You ain't nothing but a hound.

Oh, gosh!

I hate models.

Tough day, dear?

I'm their agent, but they expect me to be their mother as well. I spend half

day on the phone listening to their boyfriend trouble.

Where's Mary?

Saved you a great deal of money.

How? I've, um... I've sent her on holiday.

What?

You've sent her on holiday for how long?

For... ever.

You've killed her.

No, I fired her.

You fired my nanny? What does she do? Read her. I'm here.

I don't believe this. She'd never leave without consulting me.

No, well, she did need a bit of persuasion.

You didn't hit... You didn't hit her, did you? No, no, of course not.

Bit of a push and a shove, but not a hit.

Oh, God.

I don't believe you'd do this without consulting me. And listen, Clara, she

no good.

If you want that child to grow up with personality and character, it's no good

having some nanny about telling her what to do. She needs someone closer.

Family.

Great aunt.

Me.

You are going to be the nanny? Sure.

So where's dinner?

It's in the kitchen.

On the ceiling.

What? It was all part of the negotiation process with what's -her -face.

Well, I'm eating out, then. Oh, great. Where are we going?

We aren't going anywhere.

You are the nanny. You stay and look after the baby.

to remember about wallpaper, Dad, and the hanging thereof, is that you and

choice of paper can have an effect on the entire planet.

Few people realise that the careless choice of paper can not only be very

upsetting and intellectually disturbing, but can actually cost lives.

For instance, in Paris of the 1780s, prior to the introduction of the good

Regency stripe, there was a tendency toward very primal colours and patterns,

and what did that bring about?

Absolutely right, the French Revolution.

In fact, did you know that it was the toxicity of wallpaper paste in his

cell that killed Napoleon?

Dad?

What the... What the hell do you think you're doing ringing at this time of

night? There is a baby here who I only just can't sleep.

And a nanny who has had no sleep at all.

Oh. Oh, hello, Tom.

What, how? Just ringing to find out how you were.

Oh. Well, I'm fine. Great.

And you?

Oh, excellent.

Got Geoffrey staying.

Having a few good yarns.

He's going to wallpaper the place tonight.

Good.

And how's everyone else, sir?

Fine. Oh, Jane's in a bit of a flap.

Harvey's employing some Nordic mattress to give a poor fitness club.

Well, I expect you'll be able to deal with that.

Absolutely. No problem.

Good. Yes.

Um, so everything's OK?

Well, it was for the best, you know, Tom. I mean, well, we're getting on

already. Oh, yes, it was definitely for the best. We don't want to ruin a

friendship with petty squabbles.

No. No, of course not.

Well, I'd better say goodnight and be off.

Me too.

Goodnight, Tom.

Goodnight, Diana.

Right, then, if you'd like to move the furniture into the middle, I'll start

dust -sheeting and stripping.

my precious nanny's coming