Original subtitles

Hello. How lovely to meet you.

Mitram is Brent, isn't it? Kent, Harvey. Oh, you're from Kent, are you? No.

Your name is Kent.

And you're from Brent?

No. We're from Brent.

Jane, these aren't the Brents from Kent.

These are the Kents from Gwent.

We'll try and get it right, will you?

Sorry, Harvey.

And this must be Granny Kent.

How nice to meet you.

I'm Harvey Baines.

Harvey Baines.

She's not deaf.

She just doesn't talk very much.

Really? A quiet person?

Doesn't cause any trouble?

Never. Do you hear that, Jane?

She's moving into Diana's old place and she doesn't cause any trouble.

How wonderful.

Diana's still here, Harvey.

You shut up, Jane.

And what's Granny's name?

Her name's Gwen.

Gwen? How marvellous.

Oh, you people, you have such a musical way with the language.

Come along, Gwenny Gwent.

I couldn't sleep.

Neither could I.

Oh, you get insomnia too, do you? Only when some idiot's hoovering under my

But other people have been living here. We have to rid the place of their

smells. Their bits of old skin.

Their what?

Skin.

Old skin is shed all over the place.

The previous occupants probably shed tons of skin in here.

Well, what were they? Lizards?

I couldn't wander about knee -deep in other people's skin bits.

for a floating conversation.

And there could be bits of hair and toenail clippings. Shut up!

Now, listen, Tom. If this ridiculous arrangement is going to work, we have to

lay down some ground rules. And the first is, at this time of day, I read

paper and have a cappuccino. And that is what I am going to do right now. OK?

I'd be meaning to talk to you about that machine.

Oh, really?

When you turn the steam bit on...

It sounds like you're murdering a small pig.

So?

Well, I'm rather fond of small pigs. So?

So it upsets me.

Well, hoovering upsets me.

Well, couldn't you just have instant coffee?

Well, couldn't you just get down on your hands and knees and suck the carpet?

I know about raising the dead, I'm married to Marion.

Oh, Sarah, was there something you wanted, Geoffrey? Just wanted to see how

you're getting on. Why?

Well, you know, I'm family. It's the sort of thing you do.

So where's Marion?

Or don't you give a fig how we're getting on?

She's at her analyst. Oh, how long's she been going there?

27 years.

Any advances in that time?

Yes, we've landed on the moon.

Invented the microchip. Thank you, Geoffrey.

Have a lovely Christmas.

So you're getting on OK?

Yes! Why wouldn't we be?

Oh, no reason at all. I'm sure the fact Diana's never lived with anyone for more

than about ten minutes and so it's probably a bit set in her ways and

of change is no problem at all.

And I don't suppose you're rather peculiar bathroom habits, really,

It wasn't your chronic early morning wind -breaking.

No, I'm sure you'll get along fine.

Good. Then thank you for making it all so much easier. Well, you know, it's

anything I can do.

I mean, you're almost family now, Diana.

Joy of joys.

Coffee.

That's nice.

Well, don't feel you have to hang around, Geoffrey.

Fine.

Rowing. Ah, yes.

No more hoovering.

No more pig butchering.

Oh, let's give it a rest. I'm fagged. Me too.

Recommend hostilities at 1 ,400 hours. Okay.

Stand easy.

So, what's it to be, dear? Soup or the prawn cocktail?

Would you like me to read the menu for you?

Ooh, do you like rabbit?

We get a lot of rabbit round here. Mr. Kwok catches them himself.

This rabbit's put on today.

She doesn't say much.

Silent. It's wonderful. I love silent.

I think I'll give discounts to silent orders.

Oh, here comes Basil. He should get a reaction.

Hi, babe. Basil, make peace.

Local stub.

I've got a cool evening next week, so I'll put you down for a one -hour...

introductory tour of my bedroom, followed by a showing of Basil Make

movie, so that you can see what you're in for and get into training.

OK?

Jane, is this one mutton Jeff?

Just sit down, Basil.

Gwen just doesn't have much to say today, that's all.

She doesn't seem to be eating, either.

Oh, inexpensive, too.

They're the sort of people I want here, Jane.

Anorexic trappists.

OK, two o 'clock.

Fire one.

You're out of your mind.

At least I have a mind to be out of.

I want the left -hand bedroom.

No, no, no. I always have that side of any building.

Why?

I have to face magnetic north or I get nightmares.

Rubbish. I need the Northern Light for my painting.

Well, I saw it first. I bagged it.

Forget it. All right, then.

I'm having it because I'm the landlord.

You pig bun.

Two days.

That's all it took you to throw my bankruptcy in my face.

Facts are facts, woman. You've always told me not to be a wimp, so I'm not.

It's my place, so I'll have any damn bedroom I want, and you can stick that

your nose and smoke it!

Oh, God, I hate this.

A woman with no money might as well be dead.

All men are swine!

You too.

Who's married?

Okay. How shacked up list, then?

I'll have the soup.

Prawn cocktail.

You hate prawns.

Well, I'm not having anything she's having.

I'll have the prawn cocktail, but could you take the prawns out?

The prawns out?

Sure, why not? I haven't got anything else to do.

Oh, boy.

Who's that?

Who's who?

That... resident. Where?

Behind you.

I'm not looking round for you. You can look around for yourself.

Hello!

Hello!

Welcome to Bayview, the cold side of hell.

Nice to have you on board.

She seems like a load of laughs.

What are we going to do about your sofa?

What about it?

Well, we don't need two, do we? And mine's far nicer.

Your sofa is revolting. It sinks like dead horse.

I like it.

It fits me. Yes, well, it doesn't fit me. I have a round bottom, you have a

knobbly bottom.

My apartment, my sofa.

Hello. Everybody happy?

Why do you always look like a bit of limp celery?

else thinks it's all very sweet and nice, but to me, you're not M -A -R -R

-D.

We're not marred.

Married?

Illiterate celery, no less.

I just don't think it sets a good Christian example.

I mean, you don't see me living in thin with Harvey.

You don't see me in the same flat, sharing the same toothbrush.

Waking up each morning with his curly little head on the pillow beside me. Oh,

God.

I haven't got a knobbly bum.

I have a very proper set of buttocks.

That woman isn't eating.

Well, hi, chums.

Bog off, Greaseball.

Such a joker, Diana.

So, how are things with the swingers in the new pad, eh?

Nudge, nudge. Say no more, eh?

Tom, when is your God going to pull the celestial chain and flush him down the

almighty ladder?

Probably when you start believing in him.

Look, I've had some comments about the noise coming from your place.

Ellie Thomas said it sounds like you've got a drunken mariachi band in there.

You haven't let the place to ethnic minorities, have you? Oh, didn't we tell

you? We've let the broom cover to the entire Zulu nation.

What Ellie heard was them banging on their shields prior to sweeping down to

Rorke's Drift and shoving their spears up Michael Kay.

Look, I'm just making a friendly inquiry as to your welfare.

Yes, well, we are getting a bit fed up with people who cannot mind their own

business. All we have done is move into a place together.

We have not started a new religion.

We are not attempting to split the atom.

And we are not starting some sort of geriatric sexual revolution.

I am sick to death of the petty, prurient snickering that goes on round

Nobody gives a damn about our welfare. All they want to know is whether we're

acting like rabbits.

And are you? No, we're not.

Oh, wouldn't love to do anything like a rabbit round here.

Quacky would have us in his wok before you could say chop suey.

Who's that woman?

No, it's Gwen Gwent. She's moved into your old place.

Well, she hasn't eaten anything.

I know, it's great, isn't it?

Save us a fortune.

Well, see you later, lovebirds, and try not to scorch the furniture.

Something wrong with that old duck?

One, two, three.

I'm not going to run. I need my energy for my women.

Well, hello, Gwen. Come and join us.

We don't bite.

How would you like to play with my little mallet?

Gwen?

Now look what you've done, you tacky little wart.

It's the last time I take you to the back row of the Odeon.

I'm going to do something quite unethical.

Hello?

Hello?

I used to live here, but I've still got a key.

Thought you might like it.

As a spare?

I'll put it down here, shall I?

Mind if I take a pew?

This is nice, isn't it?

No.

It isn't nice, is it?

You think it's bloody awful, don't you?

You've been unloaded.

Dumped.

Makes you wonder why you have kids, doesn't it?

Not that I have, but... I think one should always keep the little bastards

hock to yourself.

You know what I mean?

Buy them their house and then tell them they won't inherit unless they give you

one hell of a good time in your dotage.

One step towards an old folk's home and the house go to battersy doggies.

Quite fun here, you know.

When I first arrived, I thought I'd died and gone to hell, but...

Nowadays, well, sometimes I find I almost enjoy myself.

Mind you, it helps being a masochist.

I have got myself a bloke.

He's not exactly a 19 -year -old stud, but he functions quite well when the

is full and the wind's in the right direction.

And he's quite loopy, so it gives me a different perspective on life.

And he's kind.

And wise, sometimes.

He'd be almost perfect if he realised that I was always right in all things.

I hate to admit it, but I'm quite lucky.

Normal people would say I was almost happy.

Luckily, I don't allow such thickly concepts in the door and manage to

resolutely miserable and bloody at all times.

It's being left on your own, isn't it?

Loneliness.

Widow.

Shy, at the best of times.

Offspring got problems of their own.

Just been put out with the rubbish.

Your life has come to a grinding halt.

Just counting the minutes till oblivion.

Whose telly are we going to use?

Shut up, I'm researching.

Mine, I think, it has much better programs.

Dig your heart out.

Mine has gardening wells and concerts and the antiques roadshow.

I was thinking of taking you along to them.

Get you carbon dated.

I have digital control.

What's that?

I can control my digits like this.

And we'll have a swear box. Totally bloody unnecessary.

We'll have to get rid of your furniture.

No, we won't.

Yes, we will. Oh, no, we won't. Yes, we will. We won't. Will. Won't. Will. That

is enough.

You started it.

I did not. Yes, you did. No, I didn't. Yes, you did. No, I didn't. Didn't.

Didn't. Didn't. Didn't. Didn't. Now, listen to me, Tom.

I have got an idea to help Gwen. And the first thing we have to do and get this

into your fat, ugly head is we have to be nice to one another.

What?

Sweetness and light, or I will kick the bejesus out of you.

Why? Because Gwen can't rent all passion spent.

You're trying to...

to death.

She sees no point in living.

Oh, I didn't realise.

We have to give her a reason for living.

Maybe we could show her people who are worse off than her.

We're not going down the morgue.

No. We could introduce her to Marion. Good idea.

You and I have to keep the peace. I have painted a very rosy picture of the joys

of finding an autumnal partner.

She's not going to be very impressed or cheered if she sees us flagging each

other off all the time.

You mean a truth?

Precisely. Pretend we like each other.

How do we do that?

Well, do what women have been doing for centuries.

Fake it.

We have lovely outings together.

Oh, yes. We're such a happy couple. Have we never even met till we were 110?

We're taking Gwen for a spin.

But I thought you two were...

Just the same way as he invented Diana and I for each other.

Oh, Harvey, you're hurt.

Where is it? Do you want to kiss it better? No, I do not.

Well done, Diana.

Dear boy, how wonderful to see you.

And your lovely wife.

We're a very close family.

And I'm very favoured in the way that Tom's lovely family has taken me to

bosom. Oh, yes, we'd plenty of love to go round, haven't we, darling?

Darling?

You two on something I don't know about.

Diana, please don't punch the Labrador.

This is our favourite beach, our little Tahiti. I go surfing while Diana blows

me kisses from her hand glider.

Lovey -dovey.

Whatever drug they're on, I don't want any.

I think it's called love, dear.

What? Between those two?

Real people, love?

Sort of autumnal blossoming by the look of it.

God, he'll leave for all his money.

Get me an ice cream.

What flavour, dear?

Gin and tonic.

Well,

isn't this fun?

That'll make you fat.

Will it, dear Marion?

Like a pig.

Oh, look at the seagulls.

Oh, dear.

Marion's face has slipped into her ice cream.

Wipe it off.

Come on, Vinnie. Such a nice view down the pier.

Of course, Diana and I aren't the only ones to have found true love at Bayview.

God, I can't keep this up.

Basil finds true love about four times a week.

I don't think Gwen wants to hear about that grubby little ferret. Just because

he hasn't made a pass at you. I beg your pardon?

Nothing. No, no, no. What did you say?

It was nothing. Just a joke.

Well, why don't you share it with us, please? I'm sure we'd all find it

hysterical. Diana.

Passionate affairs with well -known actresses. Tom.

But I gave them all up because I felt that Diana, well, she really needed me.

Didn't you love it, kids?

Will you excuse me one second?

I needed you as much as a carrot needs bug's bunny.

Don't prod me, Diana. You know I don't like being prodded.

I'm warning you, Diana.

I shall tell the world about your hair.

Diana Trent wears a wig.

I do not.

She stole it off a corpse.

I do not. It's mine.

Ah, she admits it.

You swine. Stop that.

And my teeth are my own. So are mine. I paid for every one of them.

Oh, heavens.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, we are despicable.

Oh,

Gwen, we are sorry.

Really. Oh, so selfish.

Please, please don't cry.

She's gone hysterical.

No. No.

I just want to thank you so much.

Well, I'm glad we gave you a good laugh.

Oh, no, not that.

But for showing me we're still allowed to have spirit.

For showing me that we can still get angry, have a laugh.

But above all, for showing me that you can still look as silly as you like.

How do you mean, silly?

All that lovey -dovey bit.

For a while, I thought it was real and quite stomach -turning and depressing.

But then you started arguing and fighting, and I realised that you were

quite normal.

Normal?

That's a very comforting idea.

Oh, yes.

Harry and I used to fight all the time.

It was a form of communication.

I'd almost forgotten what a good Barney is really like. Stick around.

So you don't feel lonely any more?

Oh, desperately.

But it might pass if there are enough people who make an effort, enough people

reaching out, caring, not being too English, enough daft people

around, people like you.

Thank you for being my friends.

We must avoid that woman like the plague.

Why? Well, reaching out and tearing me.

You mean you could lose your reputation?

Precisely. Just as well I provoked you in the nick of time. Yes, and just as

well I responded, wasn't it? You said I wore a wig.

You tried to clobber me.

And this time I am going to succeed.

Oh, no!

No!

I'm going to finish you off this time. You finished me. You couldn't knock your

way out of a wet paper bag.

You were wet and woolly. Hard luck.

I'm Clint Eastwood now.

You're Mickey Mouse.