Original subtitles

And the main points of the news again.

In Downing Street today, the Chancellor said the recession had definitely

bottomed out. This was the 18th such statement this year.

Well, as you can see by this info from the adored region, we are in for some

fairly dry, but... Am I going deaf?

No, I turned the sound off.

Well,

we've heard all this weather and news about 17 times already today.

We hadn't heard it just now.

The weather hasn't changed in the last hour.

The weather hasn't changed for ages. This summer has been about as cheery as

three months in a leper colony.

We should have gone to bed.

Sex is not just an alternative to the telly, thank you very much.

There's a lot more fun than blind date.

At least you don't have to come back and tell everyone about it all.

Not a lot to tell.

I've still got my bruised hip, anyway.

Not my fault.

Yes, it was.

No, it wasn't.

It was you who suggested that stupid hammock.

Well, it worked last time. Last time over, last time.

1956.

On board an aircraft carrier.

Suez Crisis.

I wonder what had caused that.

Oat television.

That's because when you shout at them, nobody takes any notice of you.

Nonsense. I've heard you. At question time.

You listen to the question, turn down the sound, and then yell your answer

It's because I know more than them.

You swear at Annika Rice?

Doesn't everyone?

And for all of you up on holiday, the weather in Europe looks like... Why do

have to have those cottontail bimbos bouncing round our screens?

I quite like them. That is because you are a pig.

Because I prefer to have one of them telling me about the weather rather than

have you screaming through the wall at me every morning.

It's pornographic.

Look at that Barbie doll with the wall -to -wall grin.

Whose fantasy is she?

I bet she couldn't tell a millibar from a Mars bar.

She'd have someone like me doing it.

That would be tough on the Scots.

Why? Because with your bad shoulder, you couldn't reach up as far as Scotland,

and they'd get no weather at all.

Listen to yourself, Lady. You are quite gaga.

And you are very unpleasant all the time. Spent your life being a crabby old

and where has it got you? Well, at least I haven't lain down and let the world

walk all over me. At least I've still got my balls. At least I have still got

balls. Yes.

You always keep telling us damn things are hanging from the bell tower.

What I want to know is what you and your wretched baubles actually achieve.

Oh, what do you mean? I'm always crusading.

But what?

Have you actually achieved in real tangibles?

Well, I've got the food improved round here. No, that was me.

You objected to the food. I got it changed.

Wheelchair access?

Two small ramps for mankind. What else?

Are you saying I'm ineffectual? I am saying that your sphere of influence is

inversely proportionate to the noise you make.

What should I be doing?

Expanding your horizons to fit your energies.

Hmm.

Ah, that's quite perceptive for an old loon.

Yes. Yes, you're right.

That's what I need. A larger arena for my talent to abuse.

Right.

Don't attack people through the television screens.

Get out and do it in the real world.

Politics. That's what I want.

Corridors of power knifing my way to the top.

Overturning legislation tomorrow. The world. And I know just where to start.

Bye. Oh.

Dear, I am sorry, God.

I was just having conversation. I didn't mean to unleash the power of darkness

and destruction upon our little planet.

Oh.

Hello,

Diana. What brings you here?

A buff brings me here, Harvey.

I don't need a boy with a dirty broom -broom to prove what sex I am. Thank

Diana.

Ah, now that's what I call a real woman.

God, I miss her.

When she was around, baby, you were the thing of beauty and profit.

There were serious money in old folks.

Now it's all gone back into pine forest and Nigerian gum now.

Well, don't let me keep you, Harvey.

Yeah, I have to be getting back.

I've got a few economies to make.

Off you go. Bye.

This is the Ferrucci jacket.

The whole family of Sicilian peasants went blind stitching this pocket.

You just marry Jane and I'm sure she'll sew it up for you. I'd rather jump under

a bus.

I'll get you one. Bus?

Was old Diana the vulture today? Picking over a carcass on the croquet lawn?

Gone to join a political party.

Ah, the bloody -minded -in -favour -of -nothing party, no doubt.

That's a bit rude, Battle. Well, I'm fed up with her. At the last residence

meeting, she said I was a health hazard.

Said incoming women residents should be given a can of battle repellent.

Ah, Jenny, how lovely you look today.

What would you recommend for our culinary delectation?

Suit yourself with the usual mug.

Is it rabbit muck or chicken muck? It's brown muck. What do you want?

Not something amiss, is there? No, nothing at all. But come on, I haven't

all day.

Oh, well, we'll have the brown muck.

Followed by the apple crumble muck and the custard muck.

And, uh, may we have some water?

What's the matter with her?

Man trouble, I expect.

Basil, you haven't been... Oh, no, not been.

macho men in the world, you know.

I'm only the Bournemouth stallion.

I can't cover the entire south coast, you know.

You great, rosy, Korean brat!

Oh, God, I hope she doesn't set Mr. Kwok off on another machete rampage.

Well, that's a very interesting idea, Mrs. Trent.

Miss Trent.

Oh, right, right, of course.

Thank you.

In the residence party, we set a great deal of store by being politically

correct. Awesomely dull.

Never mind.

You do have a vacancy coming up.

We do have a councillor stepping down at the next election.

So I want to take his place. So you said. Of course, it isn't quite that

Yes, it is. You put me up as candidate, I will win the election.

It is up to the selection committee.

Who will choose me?

If you want to stay out of trouble.

The Planning Committee of April the

23rd. Now you, as chairman, have the casting vote in the change of use of

Darnley Antiques to the Big Whammy Burger Store.

Ugliest building this side of the Warsaw Municipal Abattoir.

That might be your opinion.

Do you deny?

that the said burger joint is owned by your brother -in -law.

What?

I don't believe this. Are you trying to blackmail me?

Yes, of course.

My dear Miss Trent, my interest was declared.

Yes, in small print on the bottom of page 110.

Hardly voiced from the rooftops the way it should have been.

Oh, no.

You're squeaky clean, Jack Scott.

full of herbal burble about the environment and recycling piggy poo.

I bet it would come as a great shock to the local sandal makers to realise that

old hairy -chop Scott is the same person as Daryl Dodgy of the dirty dog -burger

chain of offensive burger -ramas and gang of slop -houses to the gentry.

Well, of course, I suppose we could have further discussions.

Good.

Get on to your selection committee.

Out of the way, Jane.

Whose juice?

Well, the chips.

They had chips.

The chips are finished. Mr. Croft sped them to his python.

I want my chips. Come.

Jenny. What?

You seem a little out of sorts.

Is something wrong?

Jane.

A word in your clam -like ear.

Shell -like, Tom.

What is the matter with Jenny?

I'm sure I don't know.

I'm sure you do know.

It's not Harvey's fault.

What isn't? The financial rationalisation.

It's the board. They sent us a very nasty memo yesterday from Antigua.

Cost -cutting, I'm afraid.

And what has this to do with Jenny?

It's not Harvey's fault.

Oh, my God.

The rotten swine, he's laying her off.

It's not Harvey's fault!

Me?

You want me to stand for public office?

Well, we have a council of stepping down, so we do need to find another

upstanding member of the community.

So, naturally, you came to me?

Yes, yes, naturally.

Well, I suppose it was bound to happen. I mean, I'm a modest man, quietly going

about my great work.

I suppose it was bound to get out eventually.

The man of the future was right here among you.

Of course, there's a long way to go yet.

Will I get my own limo and gold chains of office?

Diana Trent says gold chains are very mean.

Diana Trent?

Funny you should mention her. Why?

She's also putting herself forward to the selection committee.

What? I'm sure you can see her. Oh, God, it's so unfair.

Wherever I go, whatever I do, Diana Trent is always there with her garden

waiting to cut off my own.

Oh, God.

if you're not up to it. Oh, no, no, no, I am, I am. I'm definitely up to it. I

mean, come on, this is my charm.

Numero uno politico.

Now, I'll show her.

I'll come up with something that'll shock her more.

Today, Bayview.

Tomorrow, the world.

Harvey. Hello, Jane. Go away.

They want you.

Everybody wants me, Jane. I'm that kind of guy.

The residents want you in the dining room.

Well, tell them to wait.

They want you now or they're going to put your car in the lake again.

All right, come on, follow me, Jack.

I'll show you what a people manager I am. You'll see them eating out of my

and I'll show you what Diana Trent is up against.

This is not my fault! This is not my fault!

This is not my fault! James!

This is not my fault!

Well, whose fault is it, then?

It's the recession.

It's the government.

It's the Board of Governors. Well, get them here, then. Oh, don't be silly,

It's the marlin fishing season.

All decent doctors are over in the Bahamas.

But you can't sack Jenny.

Well, someone's got to go. Who's it going to be, eh?

I'm sorry, Tom, but it's last one in, first one out.

I mean, look, no -one is as dear to me as our dear, lovely Jenny here, but I'm

afraid when it comes to economics, my hands are tied.

It ought to be your neck.

Thank you, Basil.

Now, look, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll set the ball rolling for Jenny's

leaving present. Look, there's 50p.

You pass that around and then bring the cash back up to my office, would you?

Come on, Jack.

You see, they're like butter in my hand.

We're not finished yet, Jenny.

Diana will come up with something.

Surely you can see that. The little rat.

He's picked on the most vulnerable member of the staff and he's casting her

in the snow with that newborn babe in her arms.

Jenny hasn't got a baby, Tom.

Wrong movie.

I still think we should take it to the House of Lords. No, we won't have to.

Once I'm elected, it will be compulsory for people like Harvey to have

electrodes attached to their nuts.

And then you can give them a quick belt of megavolts every now and again.

But Jenny will be long gone by then. What?

She's due to go at the end of the week.

My God.

What? Have you seen this?

Your miserable son, Geoffrey Limpsop. wet and weedy.

He's on the selection committee for the residence party. He has been for years.

I'm in worse trouble than I thought.

Look, you just tell him that if I am not selected, he is liable to find a

horse's head stuck down his bed.

Mind you, after Marion, it might come as something of a treat.

Well, what about Jenny?

What? Jenny is just part of a much larger issue, Tom. You mean this Jenny

be sacrificed for the greater good? This isn't Tale of Two Cities, Tom.

Principle is not relative. A principle is not creative because there are more

people involved.

Principles are principles. Yes, and principles have got nothing to do with

politics.

And politics is what gets things done.

Oh, my God.

You're becoming one of them.

Who? Them.

Them. Out there who we are always fighting.

You want to join them.

Can I just get elected, and then we will do something about getting Jenny's job

back? No, you can't.

You're a cad and a bounder. I'm going to stand against you. I shall put my name

forward. I was wrong.

Public life and you would be disaster to the world. I must force you.

See you on the hustings.

You and Jimmy Stewart both.

Listen, listen.

Listen, you two, just back it in.

with these fights to the death every week.

Now, Antonio, you stop being rude about Mr.

Kwok's ancestors, and Mr. Kwok, you stop making Portuguese jokes.

Now, give me your weapons.

Come on, hand them over, or you'll both be fired and reported to the immigration

people.

Thank you. Now, both of you, go away.

yourself into little pieces.

Let me help you.

I'll try my best.

These people, they arrive in this country strapped to the axles of

lorries.

I give them jobs out of the kindness of my heart. Oh, the shallowness of your

pocket. What do they do? As soon as my back is turned, they start hacking bits

off each other.

They have no gratitude.

It's a tough road to Sainthood.

That may be.

I have set out on a road which should lead to far greater and better things.

You've been accepted by the local abattoir.

I shall also be having the last laugh on you, Diana.

Go on, amaze me.

I have been asked to stand for pre -selection for the residence party.

You what?

Surprise, surprise, eh? You snotty little rat.

They don't want you, Diana.

See you at the selection meeting, which is going to be in our dining room, by

the way.

I thought it would be rather a fitting place for my victory.

That's all you're good for, isn't it, Diana?

Cheap tricks.

I shall trample him into the carpet.

I'm glad you can't do this to me.

What? I'm on the selection committee.

I can't have my father popping up in front of us.

Why not?

I shall be there in my capacity as John's citizen, not your father. But,

hold a position of respect in the Residence Party.

So what's the problem?

He means that if you turn up rattling on like a bag full of mad old bones, he

will look even more wet and pathetic than he really is. Thank you, Marion.

Is this true, Jeffrey?

That you're embarrassed by your old dad?

Dad, really, honestly, of course you never embarrass me.

That's not what you said when he swallowed the goldfish at Rotary.

Dad, you'll just never win.

Yes, I will.

I shall split the vote between Harvey and Diana. She's gone all green and

caring, and he's somewhere to the right of Geoffrey Archer. So I will seal it

with old -fashioned values, common sense, and the fact that I am the love

of Edward VII.

won't embarrass you, will it, dear? Oh, God, I give up. I never really had a

political future anyway.

Not since I was blackballed by the Masons.

You just carry on, Dad. I'll tell them you're a different Ballard.

Bye, Tom.

For your interview second.

After Mickey Mouse.

Diana? Oh, hey.

Yes, yes, yes.

I was just reading. Well, I'm not actually reading it. I found it on this

I'll read anything. What are you doing here?

You know, a bit of job hunting.

Here. Have this.

I'm not dying.

Of course not.

Silly of me.

It's just...

Look, Jenny, I'm not going to let this matter rest. Diana, it's okay.

Really. You can't be expected to carry a torch for everyone.

You do good for the residents.

I'm young and healthy. I can take care of myself.

Just feel I should have done more.

I mean, I have never let Harvey Baines get one over on me as a matter of

principle, and I'm not going to now. It's just that this time it's, well,

things, you know.

Cool. I'll stick to the dump anyway.

Right. You were always too good for Bayview.

Thank God anyone's too good for Bayview.

But you will be able to go back if you want to, once I've got it sorted out.

Great. Fine.

What, dear?

Go on.

Mum!

Hello, darling.

Sit down.

Who's this?

My little girl, Mandy.

Say hello to Miss Trent.

Hello, Miss Trent.

Hello, Mandy.

Do you fancy some of this?

Yes, please.

I didn't know you had a daughter.

Nor does her dad.

So I keep a bit quiet about her in case he turns up again.

How do you manage?

Diana, for goodness sakes, I'm not all for nanny.

We're OK.

You just keep the faith. You get on down to City Hall and blow them away.

Do it for me, OK?

Yes, of course.

Keep the faith. Right?

Right. Come on, Mandy, let's go.

See you later, Diana. Yeah.

You haven't a hope, Harvey?

Really? Why is that?

Because if I'm not elected, Diana is going to wipe the floor with you. She

not.

Ah, Harvey.

A word.

You cannot intimidate me, Diana. I want to do a deal.

What? You give Jenny her job back. Forget it. Out of the question. My

is final.

And I will support you as candidate.

It's a deal.

Right.

If the candidates could take their seats to answer a few questions, please.

Mr Ballard.

Yes. There's a very interesting statement about your political beliefs

ambitions here.

Yes, but first, I'd just like to say that I am in no way related to my son,

Geoffrey Ballard.

All right, Dad, just carry on.

About the environment, you say here you are greatly in favour of it.

Yes. I mean, without an environment, there would be a sort of big black hole

nothingness where we would hang in space, I suppose.

Rather like not wearing a jockstrap. Thank you, Dad.

Yes, and could you clarify your ideas on traffic management?

Well, you know all those white lines on the roads? Well, I think they should be

made the same colour as the roads so that they sort of blend in.

In fact, I've never been very keen on cars at all.

I'd bring back trams that made sparks on frosty mornings and Methodist preachers

on horseback and orphans and mittens. I would bring back all these sort of

things along with sheaves of wheat.

Long summer evenings of wispy cloud swallow circling the village greens

warm purple dusks fall like a gentle blanket on this our

blessed England.

I would like to point out to the committee members that my real parentage

always been a matter of considerable speculation.

Thank you, Geoffrey.

Mr Ballard, we'll get back to you. Now, Mr Baines, how's your environmental

thinking?

Well, I really like shopping malls.

And I think we should be making many, many more of them. Now that we're into

Europe, I think we should be right in there, tucking in the bucks from all

the place.

Brilliant thinking, Harvey.

Thank you, Mr Baines. What?

In fact, you'd probably go even further, wouldn't you? Would I?

You'd make the borough into a huge euro -driving booze store.

Great, fantastic.

That's just what I would have said. Declare it a tax haven? Bring in the

money from all over the world? That's my very word. Thank you.

How does he feel about our beautiful trees?

Trees? How do I feel about trees?

Well, trees are trees, I guess.

And a great asset, Harvey.

Really? Yes.

Don't you remember telling us how each of the pine trees around Bayview could

made into half a million burger cartons? Oh, yeah, right.

Chop them all down, you said?

Yes, right.

Did I say that? How is it you feel about fields and hedgerows?

Well, you know me, Diana. You've heard me speak. Why don't you tell them?

Harvey feels that any land that is not turning a good profit should be covered

in tarmac and cheapo housing.

Right. And let's not forget the poor and needy. The poor and needy. You are such

a drain on the corporate first. Well, they are too.

Not to mention unmarried mothers and the old and sick.

Yeah, they're terrible people. They're leeches.

Keep going, Harvey.

What are you playing at? You see, you've got to be a viable unit in the

marketplace. I mean, just because you're a human being, it doesn't mean that you

can buck market forces.

Mind like a steel trap, you see.

And what about backhanders for political favour? Oh, yes, it's a great idea. I

mean, it works in Sicily. Why not here?

Those are all those damn subversive libraries.

Yes, and all those creches for the foul -mouthed children of communists. And

what about bringing back hangings? Yes, string them up, string them up. Right,

OK.

Let's just hold it right there.

I think that Harvey's ideas are so brilliant, I don't know why

I'm even bothering to stand at all. I mean, he is obviously the man of the

future. The man who will put parking meters in country lanes. Oh, yes. The

who knows what to do with napalm. Yes. Our man in City Hall.

Right on, sister.

So, I am resigning in favour of Harvey, and I'll see you all at the next cheese,

wine and book burning party.

Great. Isn't she a fantastic woman?

Well?

Fine, thanks.

I mean, well, what was all that travesty of gobbledygook about?

I can't think what you mean.

What were you playing at, supporting Harvey Benz? Was I?

Goodness. Hello?

Oh, hello, Jenny.

Well, I suppose this is goodbye, then.

No, it's not. I've got my job back.

Oh, well, I am glad. And I think you had something to do with it. Now, what

gives you that idea?

Harvey wouldn't say why he changed his mind. He just said he'd made a pact with

the devil.

So I think you must be somewhere.

No, no, no, no, no. Nothing to do with me.

Well, I'll give you a hug anyway on that chart.

Thanks. Look, got to dash, got to tell Mandy.

Thanks, Tom.

Bye. Bye, Jimmy.

Mandy, what is going on?

It's all right, Diana.

The game is up. I'm not totally stupid.

Are you sure, Harvey?

Harvey is very upset.

And why is that, my little cherry bumpkin?

I was not nominated.

They said that with people like me and supporters like you, they would rather

disband the party than risk having me elected.

So what are they going to do?

They put Geoffrey forward as the candidate.

But he's got a barmy old dad.

But that's you, Tom.

So it is.

Ideally, though. Oh, no, it isn't. You promised to give Jenny her job back if I

supported you.

But it was your support that lost me the candidacy.

Oh, so I've won on both fronts again.

He's very upset.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Diana, you wily old bag. I wondered what you were playing at. Well, I decided

you were right, Tom.

Victory is relative to the strength of the opposition.

And if I couldn't outwit that idiot Baines with one hand tied behind me, I

wasn't going to get very far at City Hall.

Does this mean the end of your political career?

No, no, not at all.

I may well form my own party.

Oh, what will you call your party?

God knows.

What about the...

Diana Trent, totally negative party.

Shut your face. Or the old ladies who cheated croaky party.

I'm warning you.

The burnt out old malls party.

The Maddox Rammys party.

Get your head on the floor.

I've still got my balls party.

No, no, don't laugh.

Let's go to hell, the bucket party.

Oh, you've cut my bloody shin.

That's my party.