Original subtitles

Oi. Listen, you Portuguese pillock.

Ecoutez, pillocky Portuguese.

Ce sont les ronds bulbs pour cette time de l 'année.

Ce sont les daffodils.

Les dils de daffo.

You should be planting these autumn bulbs now.

There's no part necessary to go off dance on half.

Fair enough.

Antonio doesn't speak French. He's Portuguese.

And he's very temperamental. He's threatened to eat the chef's cat.

And you know what kind of gang war that would start.

Just trying to be helpful.

Well, it's not.

Since when have you ever been helpful to anyone?

helped anyone in your life, Diana.

You're the most selfish person to walk on the face of the earth.

Don't you speak to me like that. You whip it.

Don't forget that since Harvey and I are engaged, that soon I will be mistress

of Bayview.

And you'll all have to stop kicking Jane around and start being a bit more self

-helping.

There is self -helping in my own way.

Oh, my God.

What day is it?

Thursday. Up the bloody Himalayas again.

Tom!

Tom! Oh!

What did you do that for?

I might have fallen off a North Face dragging 20 faithful Sherpas to their

You're very lucky we were just having cuckoo at base camp.

Tom, would you say that I was an unhelpful sort of person?

Yes, I damn well would.

Why? Because you go around beating old men over the head and endangering the

lives of diminutive Nepalese bearers.

What do you want?

Well, Jane has just said that I'm an unhelpful sort of person.

That's hardly a blinding revelation.

Indeed. Of course not. You're a miserable, vicious old so -and -so.

Being a black hole is a chance of my own choosing. It affects only me, but being

unhelpful, that implies that I affect the lives of those around me in a

detrimental fashion.

Yes. But it isn't true.

What about Harvey Baines? Your entire raison d 'etre is based upon driving him

nuts. Yes, well, he's fair game.

Him and all the other verminous charlatans in this world, they are there

shot at.

Well, Jane was implying that...

But that I made life a misery for all the other inmates.

Is that true?

Well, I suppose you get things done. Ah, precise lesson. But do you do it

through a true feeling for your fellow man or just to get up the nose of those

who are in authority?

What does it matter?

To most people it matters quite a lot. But to you, well, you've never given a

damn what people thought of you. Have you?

No. No.

No.

I don't give a toss.

What do I care what flannels like Jane think of me?

Or anyone else.

Stop them.

And you.

And what's this one?

It's your thoughts about the new income support system for residential homes.

Goodness, fancy me knowing all this. What a clever chap I am.

And this one?

It's your reply to that estate agent woman, Janet Fathead.

Her name is Follett, Jane, as you well know. And what have I got to say to her?

You say that her scheme whereby you can invalidate any resident's lease is the

most wicked thing you've ever heard and that she should go and stick her head in

a chaff grinder.

Jane, if I begin to detect a note of bias against my lady friend, I might

start replying to my own mail. So be warned.

Yes, Harvey.

If you could just sign these checks.

And what are they for?

Just this and that.

Gas, electricity, telephone.

Fanny's Wedding Boutique.

Oh, please, this time.

Fanny's Wedding Boutique, Jane.

It's a deposit on my gown.

Jane, let me put this to you as clearly as I can. For the ten millionth time, we

got engaged to keep my mum happy before she went off to Australia.

She gave me your granny's ring.

That's the first thing I want back. Now, will it come off yet? No, Harvey.

Are you keeping up with the diet?

Yes, Harvey.

Honestly. Good, because there might come a time when I need that ring for the

delectable Miss Follett.

If the ring won't come off, we can always amputate the finger.

What a drag. Her typing's bad enough as it is.

This isn't necessary, you know. Oh, yes, it is.

You'll only shock and unsettle people if you start being nice. No intention of

being nice. I'm merely going to be helpful.

But why?

As a challenge, as an intellectual exercise.

That's still the wrong motive.

Why can't he just help people because he wants to make their lives better?

I couldn't give a stuff about their rotten lives.

And nor could any of those damn do -gooders. They only do good because it

them feel good. That's not true.

Many people are good people. Yes, and others are axe murderers. Oh, shut up,

Tom. I'll get bored and I'll shove you under a bus.

Blessed Lily.

What? Nothing, nothing, nothing.

Oh, the community centre.

What are we here for?

Gay and lesbian taxidermy encounter group?

Room 15, age action. Well, we've got the age, let's give him the action.

I'm supposed to be in the pool.

Come in.

Excuse me, are you concerned about age?

Hello! Look, I'm most frightfully sorry, but I'm just about to leave.

Well, you can't.

I'm sorry?

We've come all the way from the pool.

If it's only a small problem, I might be able to give you five minutes.

I want to help your outfit.

I'm volunteering my services.

Diana Trent.

And this is Tom Ballard, who's just come along to cock things up.

Graciously, how wonderful.

What are your qualifications?

I have first -hand experience of being old.

And you are no doubt of a very caring disposition.

Oh, no doubt at all.

Do you need any help?

Well, I do, actually.

If you could man the office for the next hour, I'd be more than grateful.

My daughter's palomino has just thrown a shoe.

Just can't get the staff these days.

Um, quite.

So what do you want us to do?

Just answer the phone, take messages, lend a sympathetic ear.

Okay, off you go.

friend called me Finn.

Finn, then.

It's nice to know that a sense of irony still thrives in the Shires.

Yes. Jolly good.

I'll see you later. So kind.

Just popping down time. Won't be long.

Oh, what a voice.

Crack an handle at 500 yards.

I thought women like her had died out at about the same time as Morris Miners

with wooden window frames.

Hello.

Is anybody there?

If there is and you want any crime busting done, Batman and Robin are now

residence at the community centre.

Tom, put that down.

Just let me get this straight.

By dramatically escalating the maintenance cost to the residents, they

able to afford it, so they'll default on the terms of their leases and the

properties will revert to us.

And you release them and start the whole thing over again.

Deposits, penalty clauses, all in your pocket every few months.

Janet, do you think this would hold up in court?

We're talking about court. Nobody goes to court.

Court's for mugs and takes forever.

Half your lot would be dead by the time they got anything to court.

Oh, my gosh. I mean, wow.

Oldies are great, Harvey.

They always trust a young woman's smile. They always trust official documents.

And they never want to waste money getting a solicitor to check a contract.

can really cream them.

Goodness. We can make a fortune, Harvey.

Well, I don't really know, actually, Janet. I mean, morality has never been

on my list of driving forces. Come here.

What do I have to do?

Oh, goodness.

I seem to have got into the British Airways booking system.

No one wants any help.

They'd rather die of hypothermia and rats than say, Oi, give us a hand.

Pride.

Ignorance. Half of them think any money they get from the government is charity.

They don't realise that it is theirs.

They have paid contributions and taxes all their lives.

They are owed.

Right.

Oh, dear.

What is it?

Everyone going to the Canaries in June is now going in November.

My God of custom. Nick, wind them in.

What hold, Tom?

You've come just at the right time. I have a whole empty jumbo jet flying to

Tenerife in the morning.

It's all right, Dux. He's just the local loop.

Come on in.

Tell us how we can help you.

How do you do?

Oh, I'm fine. And I'm sure we can help you. I have books here on everything.

How to look after your money, where to go abroad.

Greece is empty in August.

Shut up.

Surveys of local nursing homes, how to take care of your feet and incontinence.

Can you really have incompetent feet?

My name's Anna Saville. I have a nice house with a basement flat, and I was

thinking of letting it, so I put an advertisement in the local paper.

Well, this nice young girl from the estate agents turned up.

We had a chat and a cup of tea, and she told me that she'd like to take it

herself.

I'm afraid I've lost my spectacles.

Now, I was wondering, could you read through this contract for me and tell me

what date she's moving in?

You want me to read the date?

Yes, please.

Well, is that all?

I mean, we have three desks here, two computers, one idiot assistant.

We could leave organisation.

Couldn't you have a bigger problem?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Diana. Just read the thing for her.

No, where are we?

Yes, here we are.

Occupancy to commence on the 1st. Well, that's tomorrow.

Oh, thank you.

Just a minute.

How much are you getting for this flat?

£350 a month.

It says here £35 a month. Oh, no, no, that's not right.

month the tenant has the right to renew the lease.

Oh, no mention of the landlady having a say in the matter.

Oh,

this is nice. After one year, the landlady may review the rent but not

it by more than 5%. I don't understand.

Nothing about subletting.

This is real Mickey Mouse stuff, this. This woman could open a circus in your

flat if she fancied it.

And you'd be stuck with her for two years without even covering your cock.

But this is... I would go so far as to say this is wicked.

And if you knew me, you'd know that was a very strong accusation.

Oh, dear, but she seems so nice.

Yes, well, they said the same thing about Mr Borgia's little girl. Now,

this woman's rotten name?

Janet Follett.

I've got my ace super sleuth onto it.

Geoffrey Ballard, son of Tom Ballard, last of the Mohicans. Oh, wonderful.

Yes, Geoffrey's going to check out the old lady's contract with his own

solicitor. Oh, hi, gang.

Can you smell something, Diana?

What kind of something, Tom?

The sort of smell you get at a dig outside Addis Ababa and you happen to be

one night trying to count the stars.

when you fall into a well. As is your work. As is my sad addiction.

Show me a vacant well, a touch of gravity, and I'm a goner. Excuse me,

Anyway, the smell.

You're down this well, and you find that your sole companions are half a dozen

rats, a retired vulture, and a donkey with halitosis.

And they're all breaking wind at the same time.

Well, it's that sort of smell.

Oh, you mean a...

Bainesian sort of smell. Yes, that's it. Yes.

Definitely a Harvey Nigel Bainesian pong.

Now, where's it coming from?

Oh, right there.

Good gracious me.

The pong in question?

Oh, it's fantastic. It's great.

Love a man that can joke in the face of disaster.

What disaster?

I fear that some of you dear, lovely residents are in for a...

Quite a financial shock. So sad. What are you talking about?

Speak, Harvey, or I'll fork your eyeballs.

Better to let you all know at once.

If I could have just a word, a little word, Jenny, quieten them for me, will

you? I don't scream anymore, Harvey.

Not since I'm engaged.

Jenny!

Hush up, you old money child!

The boss man done come down from the big house. Want to lay the white man

some... dance on you all, so listen up.

You can talk now, Harvey.

Thank you, Jenny. Now, I do have an important announcement to make. Don't

us. You're going to be replaced by an automated penguin.

Woo -hoo!

It's all right, Basil.

For God's sake, let him speak before the rabbit's chew comes back to life.

Thank you. Now, as you may or may not be aware, I've had the structural engineer

in, and they...

that we're suffering from slippage. The land is moving beneath our feet.

Probably trying to get away from you.

Shut up, Basil.

Go on, Harvey.

This hillside that has been here since the planet cooled down has now decided

get up and start tolling round the country.

Yes, sort of. And?

And we're going to have to shore the place up, and this is going to cost

Here it comes.

Not in the catering budget.

Rabbit replaced by rat.

Well, I thought we were already on to rat. It says on the menu, ratatouille.

Harvey, this inordinate expense is presumably going to be met by the

Well, not exactly.

It has to be paid for by the current residents.

What? Hell, it does.

It comes under general care and maintenance.

No, clause 7A of the contract. The small print acts of God. You've got to be

kidding. I'm going to check my lease.

Have you had a quote on all this nonsense?

Oh, yes.

£483 ,000.

Oh, come on. It's only 20 grand ahead.

Out of my... No, no, come on. No, no, no, no, no. Please, please, don't be

silly. It's all right.

If you can't afford to pay, don't worry.

You can always sell up and then pay.

Harvey, how could you?

Quite easily, actually, once Janet Follett gave me a couple of pointers.

I think you're disgusting.

Our engagement is off.

I could never marry such an inhuman beast.

Oh, goodness.

This really is my lucky day.

Oh, come on, Geoffrey. What does Mr Scheister say?

Who? Oh, your solicitor. About the old duck contract.

He feels sure that any judge in the land would set it aside, but...

She did sign it and it could cost her a packet and a lot of hassle to get it to

court. So, what did he suggest?

Changing the locks and making sure that this estate agent woman can't take up

residence. He also said that if she did get in and occupy the flat, then the

police are bound to protect her rights as the sitting tenant.

So this follet vulture is going to try and get in tomorrow night?

Right.

Geoffrey, how do you fancy a bunk up in a basement with your dear old dad?

What about you, Diana?

You can't back down now.

Ah, I have to sort out the idiot Baines.

This new scam of his merits a good throat -slitting.

So you're going to have to sort this lot out. Good luck.

That's typical of you, Diana. You drop us right in it, get bored and move on.

Geoffrey, are you prepared to fight the good fight?

I'll have to bring Marion.

What on earth for?

Well, she's gone a bit wobbly again.

She's trying hard, but she does have the odd reversion. If I leave her alone,

she either starts preaching New Age gibberish to the neighbours, or failing

that, she bangs down a fistful of pills and goes around chewing bits out of

their lawns.

Yes, it is a bit frowned on in the close.

That's the one I was telling you about, our built -in troublemaker.

I'll show her trouble.

will kill me.

Don't be such a wimp, Harvey.

They're a bloody nuisance, these old gits. They never used to live this far.

Now they just clog up decent properties and slow down the whole process of

estate management.

I suppose that is one view.

Which reminds me, you and I are going out tonight.

Oh, you're asking me for a date?

I'm telling you.

Oh.

Great.

I'll skin him. I'll skin him alive.

shove his eyeballs up his nose.

Oh, bugger it!

Ah! Ah, Antonio!

Comment allez -vous?

Bien? Bon.

Um, êtes -vous busy en ce moment?

Oh, because I had a bit of a fall.

I'm hit and run by the scumbag Baines.

Um, je suis stuck.

C 'est mon bum.

I do think...

that your Christopher Columbus was an awfully clever chap.

And your wonderful, wonderful Vasco de Gama.

Yes, well, I can't think of any more famous Portuguese at the moment, and I

don't suppose anybody else can either, but I'll tell you something for nothing.

If you do not help me immediately, there is going to be a brand -new Portuguese

murder victim.

Oh, don't worry, Jane. I've had a contract put out on him.

Janet?

Not Janet Follett.

Oh, boy!

Jenny, get me my white horse and my shining armour.

What's she up to?

I don't know, but I'm glad I'm not a dragon.

Where are we going?

We're going to guard the interests of an old lady.

Depression here, Jackie?

What does that mean?

I need a drink. Comfort rations, ice pick, thermal underwear, extra pitons.

we're not climbing Everest.

It's Thursday, isn't it?

Medicinal brandy. Thank you.

Small tin for dentures when saliva freezes.

Sometimes I just want to pop up somewhere else as a completely different

Hello? Hello, Freddie?

Hello, it's Diana Trent.

Oh, I'm fine, I'm fine. How are you?

Dying?

Yes, that's the spirit. Listen, Freddie, can you do something for me? You know

those bland cretins on Roundup or whatever that TV programme's called?

Yes. Yes, that's the one.

Bypasses and baby shows and all the other boring drivel that passes for

news.

Now, listen, can you give me their telephone number?

Jeffy, you certainly know how to give a girl a good time.

I didn't know she'd have no heating on.

I'm freezing.

I'm boiling.

Crackers. How long have we got to stay here?

Until someone tries to move in.

What if they don't? Then we could be here for years and years.

Discovered by future archaeologists.

Puzzling why a suburban couple and a mountaineer were all found in bed

What?

I can smell something.

Someone at the door.

Bloody old cow. Change the locks.

We'd better be off then.

Don't be daft.

Here.

What's this?

In you go.

But that's breaking and entering.

No, it isn't.

I've got a lease that came into force three minutes ago. I can't break into my

own place, can I?

But in you go.

I'll be right behind you with a suitcase.

All I want to do is establish my residency.

You're not chicken, are you?

Me?

Janet, you're looking at a Queen Scout.

Here he comes.

Surprise, surprise.

Marion.

Geoffrey. Smile, please.

Uh -oh. Good night, Janet.

Miss Follett, hello. I'm Dave Preston from Roundup Southwest.

My name's Inspector Davis of the Bournemouth Constabulary.

I am a tramp to the human race.

Charges of breaking and entering were later filed against the Mr. H. Baines of

the Bayview Retirement Center.

And the police thanked the able assistance of two members of the Age

Action Group, Miss Diana Trent and Mr. Tom Ballard, for their timely

intervention in what could have been another all -too -familiar rip -off of

elderly in our area.

Miss Trent, do you have anything you wish to say to the elderly of the South

West? Yes, yes I do.

Yes, that'll do. Now, I have something to say to the elderly everywhere.

Listen, you lot.

Now, this isn't TV.

This is real life. I am talking to you personally.

So pin her back and listen up.

We, the elderly, my contemporaries, we had all our ideas of morality and decent

behaviour formed in a different time on a different planet.

Before and during the war, in the nice old 50s, when we warmed our feet at coal

fires and...

Listen to friendly folk on the Bakelite radios.

Well, wake up, my old parents, because we have bred a race of bloody little

monsters who are so lacking in any form of recognisable moral standards and so

consumed with greed and material lust that they'll chop you up and microwave

as soon as they look at you.

You'll just learn one thing today.

The path of justice and legality.

rarely run parallel.

So never sign anything, hmm?

I don't care if it comes from your favourite grandchild or a bearded bloke

lugging a wooden cross through your living room.

Never sign anything until you have had it checked by Mr. Champion Shister, your

friendly local solicitor.

Or I, personally, will come round and set fire to your perms. You know that,

hmm? Do fine.

Uh, Mr. Ballard, do you have anything to add to that?

Uh, yes, I certainly do.

As we're as never -climbing, funny forms, I would also add that you should

climb ever as fast as a heavy lunch.

Try some of the smaller steaks with a glass of thought and a good trot.

That is the 19th -century writer, and not Miss Lola Montezuma of Roe v. Lane.