All language subtitles for Waiting for God s02e10 The Boring Son
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1
00:00:59,050 --> 00:01:00,310
Now, that's very interesting.
2
00:01:00,650 --> 00:01:01,650
What is it?
3
00:01:01,770 --> 00:01:02,770
Don't join business.
4
00:01:03,650 --> 00:01:08,130
Is it another missive from those age
-concerned people?
5
00:01:08,710 --> 00:01:11,130
Yes. I've been meaning to talk to you
about them.
6
00:01:11,370 --> 00:01:12,370
Oh, really?
7
00:01:12,570 --> 00:01:14,190
Harvey's blood pressure, you see.
8
00:01:14,550 --> 00:01:17,570
Well, he doesn't have blood in his
veins, Jane. He runs on oil.
9
00:01:17,830 --> 00:01:20,410
He's a very sensitive person. Jane.
10
00:01:20,730 --> 00:01:25,150
And the more you provoke him, the
greater strain you put on his delicate
11
00:01:25,270 --> 00:01:26,270
Oh, I think I'm going to be sick.
12
00:01:26,650 --> 00:01:28,050
You just don't realise.
13
00:01:29,889 --> 00:01:32,650
exterior there hides the soul of a poet.
14
00:01:33,450 --> 00:01:36,470
Yes, he is still a mortal man.
15
00:01:36,790 --> 00:01:39,090
If you prick him, does he not bleed?
16
00:01:39,430 --> 00:01:41,770
No, he does not. He squirts pure
multigrade.
17
00:01:42,890 --> 00:01:44,930
Oh, you do shut up, Jane.
18
00:01:45,450 --> 00:01:50,790
I, in conjunction with these very
splendid people, am going to pull this
19
00:01:50,790 --> 00:01:55,270
into the 20th century if it kills me. Or
better yet, if it kills Harvey Baines.
20
00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:01,920
I do hate cut flowers.
21
00:02:06,820 --> 00:02:08,639
Hello, Jane, I'm back.
22
00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:09,919
Give us a kiss.
23
00:02:10,460 --> 00:02:12,660
Oh, Basil, so that it was.
24
00:02:14,340 --> 00:02:16,140
Tom, look who's here.
25
00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:17,400
My God.
26
00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:18,780
Hello, Tommy baby.
27
00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:24,120
Basil, is that you? Certainly not. It's
Tom Cruise, super stud.
28
00:02:24,980 --> 00:02:27,280
My dear fellow, how wonderful to see
you.
29
00:02:28,300 --> 00:02:29,540
It's been three months.
30
00:02:29,980 --> 00:02:32,980
You and Betty only went on a ten -day
cruise. Where have you been?
31
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:34,440
Right round the world.
32
00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:37,940
And where did you get the world's most
awful shirt and why have you got a
33
00:02:37,940 --> 00:02:38,940
hanging round your neck?
34
00:02:39,100 --> 00:02:42,660
We went to Hawaii and Tahiti.
35
00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:44,000
Bora Bora.
36
00:02:44,300 --> 00:02:45,300
I bet it was.
37
00:02:46,140 --> 00:02:48,600
Jane, hang this round your neck.
38
00:02:48,900 --> 00:02:50,580
It'll attract all the fellas.
39
00:02:51,100 --> 00:02:52,580
Really? Oh, yes.
40
00:02:53,300 --> 00:02:55,240
A splendid aphrodisiac.
41
00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:58,560
Mustache. Think I hear Harvey call.
42
00:03:05,420 --> 00:03:07,720
That had a bit of a row.
43
00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:11,980
Oh, you haven't chopped her up and left
her in the suitcase at Waterloo Station,
44
00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:17,180
have you? No, certainly not. No, we just
had a major barney. I kept telling her
45
00:03:17,180 --> 00:03:21,220
that I had got her mind, but she only
wanted me for my body.
46
00:03:21,780 --> 00:03:24,180
Yes, I had the same trouble with Brigid
Bardot.
47
00:03:24,460 --> 00:03:26,600
Forget the meaningful discussions.
48
00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:29,560
All she wanted to do was to tear my
clothes off my body.
49
00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:32,660
Ah, well, after ten days...
50
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:35,080
I said that I needed a day off.
51
00:03:35,380 --> 00:03:38,680
So Betty ran off with a Japanese
bullfighter.
52
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,480
What have you been doing since?
53
00:03:41,940 --> 00:03:45,840
Oh, you know, hanging around with the
Hawaiian surf crowd.
54
00:03:46,340 --> 00:03:49,340
Working my way through the beach bimbos.
55
00:03:51,620 --> 00:03:53,220
What's been happening here?
56
00:03:53,460 --> 00:03:54,460
Oh, nothing really.
57
00:03:54,660 --> 00:03:58,440
Couple of earthquakes, spot of plague,
visitors from Mars.
58
00:03:58,720 --> 00:03:59,780
Just the usual.
59
00:04:02,350 --> 00:04:03,350
Foul as ever.
60
00:04:03,770 --> 00:04:05,730
And your family, young Geoffrey?
61
00:04:06,010 --> 00:04:09,990
Ah, well, now, to tell you the truth,
Geoffrey's been a little odd of late.
62
00:04:10,910 --> 00:04:11,970
What did you say?
63
00:04:12,270 --> 00:04:14,330
I said I'm leaving you.
64
00:04:14,890 --> 00:04:15,890
Leaving me what?
65
00:04:17,050 --> 00:04:18,009
Leaving you.
66
00:04:18,010 --> 00:04:22,290
Going away from you. I'm walking out. I
do not wish to spend any more of my life
67
00:04:22,290 --> 00:04:25,210
with you. I do not wish to be married to
you. Our marriage is over. I want a
68
00:04:25,210 --> 00:04:26,710
divorce. I don't want to see you again.
69
00:04:27,750 --> 00:04:30,190
Geoffrey, are you trying to tell me
something?
70
00:04:33,290 --> 00:04:33,949
Just a minute.
71
00:04:33,950 --> 00:04:34,950
What?
72
00:04:35,630 --> 00:04:37,810
Did you say you're leaving me?
73
00:04:38,030 --> 00:04:39,150
Yes. Oh.
74
00:04:40,790 --> 00:04:42,390
You didn't get any lemons, did you?
75
00:04:45,250 --> 00:04:46,250
I'm leaving.
76
00:04:46,650 --> 00:04:50,230
Our entire life is about to go down a
black hole and you are asking me whether
77
00:04:50,230 --> 00:04:51,189
got any lemons?
78
00:04:51,190 --> 00:04:52,149
Well, did you?
79
00:04:52,150 --> 00:04:53,670
Yes, dear. They're under the sink with
the tonic.
80
00:04:53,930 --> 00:04:55,510
Right. Bye, then.
81
00:04:56,130 --> 00:04:57,130
Goodbye, dear.
82
00:04:58,670 --> 00:04:59,770
Geoffrey. Yes.
83
00:05:00,510 --> 00:05:01,510
Where are you going?
84
00:05:02,830 --> 00:05:03,910
Where am I going? Yes.
85
00:05:04,310 --> 00:05:09,490
I mean, if you're leaving me, you must
be going somewhere else. I was just
86
00:05:09,490 --> 00:05:10,490
wondering where.
87
00:05:11,210 --> 00:05:13,050
Um, I'll find somewhere.
88
00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:43,220
I am a reasonable man, Diana.
89
00:05:44,740 --> 00:05:45,740
Aren't I, Jane?
90
00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:48,300
Oh, you are, Harvey. Very reasonable.
91
00:05:48,660 --> 00:05:54,400
Not only reasonable, but sensitive,
charming and passionate. All right,
92
00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:55,480
just don't go mad.
93
00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:58,960
You're not a reasonable man, Harvey.
You're a dreadful little crook.
94
00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:03,920
If it wasn't for me, this place would be
run like wormwood scrubs, but without
95
00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:04,920
the sense of freedom.
96
00:06:07,180 --> 00:06:09,020
I think you've been got at, Diana.
97
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:10,079
Got at?
98
00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:12,360
These communist agitators you mix with.
99
00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:13,840
Oh, do you mean age concern?
100
00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,540
I've seen the literature you get, Diana.
101
00:06:18,100 --> 00:06:21,840
Every time one of their pinko manifestos
comes through the door, you're in here
102
00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:23,500
with all manner of subversive demand.
103
00:06:24,260 --> 00:06:25,780
Do you mean wheelchair ramps?
104
00:06:25,980 --> 00:06:30,220
Right. Before, when the old ducks were
wheeled up and down the steps, they were
105
00:06:30,220 --> 00:06:32,280
perfectly happy with a bit of a bump and
a clonk.
106
00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:36,640
Not now, oh, no. Now it's wheelchair
access ramps everywhere.
107
00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:41,640
And the modifications to the minibus.
You mean the use of a professional
108
00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:45,200
Antonio was a perfectly good driver.
109
00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:47,320
He drove on the wrong side of the road.
110
00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:51,780
Well, what do you expect? He's
Portuguese. They do that sort of thing
111
00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:54,260
You really must be a little more
tolerant.
112
00:06:54,500 --> 00:06:58,420
He also had no medical or ambulance
training at all, and he frequently
113
00:06:58,420 --> 00:06:59,420
close the back doors.
114
00:07:00,140 --> 00:07:02,900
Every time he went round a bend, he
jettisoned half his customers.
115
00:07:05,390 --> 00:07:08,970
was littered with startled pensioners
sitting around like wayside gnomes.
116
00:07:10,770 --> 00:07:14,690
I don't trust this sporadic social
conscience of yours, Diana.
117
00:07:15,210 --> 00:07:17,450
I think you're trying to get right up my
nose.
118
00:07:18,550 --> 00:07:20,090
There is that, of course.
119
00:07:24,130 --> 00:07:25,130
Sorry, Harvey.
120
00:07:26,170 --> 00:07:30,670
Yes, well, I have made my formal
request, and as such, you are duty
121
00:07:30,670 --> 00:07:31,670
put it before the board.
122
00:07:32,010 --> 00:07:33,190
They'll fire me, you know.
123
00:07:34,030 --> 00:07:38,230
The doctors who own this place, they
know the value of money and they don't
124
00:07:38,230 --> 00:07:40,430
it fritted away on senseless health care
nonsense.
125
00:07:40,870 --> 00:07:44,130
We want panic buttons installed in every
apartment.
126
00:07:44,610 --> 00:07:49,570
If you don't do as we ask, we will all
go down to the shopping mall and take
127
00:07:49,570 --> 00:07:50,409
clothes off.
128
00:07:50,410 --> 00:07:52,050
Oh, God, not again.
129
00:07:52,470 --> 00:07:53,470
We have been warned.
130
00:07:55,290 --> 00:07:56,770
Farewell, Tom DeLeo.
131
00:08:00,210 --> 00:08:04,910
Jane, I don't want any more of this
health care nonsense. Age concern
132
00:08:04,910 --> 00:08:08,310
coming through the door. Just bribe the
postman. Right -o, Harvey.
133
00:08:08,530 --> 00:08:11,810
Now, about these alarms, would you like
me to do a costume?
134
00:08:12,090 --> 00:08:14,330
No, don't be silly. Just leave it to me.
135
00:08:15,490 --> 00:08:17,070
Oh, uh, Jane.
136
00:08:18,170 --> 00:08:19,550
What are you doing for dinner tonight?
137
00:08:20,170 --> 00:08:21,170
Works.
138
00:08:23,010 --> 00:08:24,190
Nothing, Harvey.
139
00:08:24,530 --> 00:08:25,349
Oh, good.
140
00:08:25,350 --> 00:08:26,950
See if you can sort that lot out, would
you?
141
00:08:32,299 --> 00:08:33,419
You're such a swine.
142
00:08:33,799 --> 00:08:35,440
You warm my heart.
143
00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:38,260
Well, someone's got to keep the little
bastard in line.
144
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:42,320
Excuse me.
145
00:08:46,340 --> 00:08:48,320
Hello. Cary Grant here.
146
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:51,480
What? Who?
147
00:08:52,660 --> 00:08:54,220
Oh, it's you, Marion.
148
00:08:54,940 --> 00:08:55,980
And how are you?
149
00:08:57,280 --> 00:08:58,280
It's Marion.
150
00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:00,740
She's singing and wants to dance on the
roof.
151
00:09:01,050 --> 00:09:02,050
Get her a ladder.
152
00:09:02,870 --> 00:09:03,870
What?
153
00:09:04,310 --> 00:09:05,410
You feel pretty?
154
00:09:05,790 --> 00:09:06,810
Oh, so pretty.
155
00:09:07,690 --> 00:09:11,110
You feel pretty and witty and gay.
156
00:09:12,570 --> 00:09:13,890
Oh, she's rung off.
157
00:09:14,690 --> 00:09:16,130
What was all that about?
158
00:09:16,450 --> 00:09:21,030
I think Marion's had a quiet paddle
round the old gin vat this morning.
159
00:09:22,030 --> 00:09:24,390
Dreadful little squawking brain -dead
shrew.
160
00:09:24,990 --> 00:09:28,410
Should never have let them marry, Tom.
Oh, Geoffrey wasn't the greatest catch,
161
00:09:28,430 --> 00:09:29,430
exactly. I'll say.
162
00:09:29,910 --> 00:09:32,430
Centuries of breeding and all you could
come up with was a Geoffrey.
163
00:09:33,130 --> 00:09:35,730
The last few millennia looked like a bit
of a waste of time.
164
00:09:36,090 --> 00:09:38,510
Yes. What he needs is ginger.
165
00:09:39,570 --> 00:09:42,450
Ginger? It's an old trick of Irish horse
dealers.
166
00:09:42,730 --> 00:09:45,970
You get a boring old half -dead nag,
stick a bit of ginger up its arse.
167
00:09:48,270 --> 00:09:51,690
See him get it good and frisky. Should
try some on Geoffrey.
168
00:09:54,070 --> 00:09:59,070
They look so hopeful on their wedding
day. Yes, they always do.
169
00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:03,200
Marriage. What a weird concept.
170
00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:08,620
Two people meet, spark off an emotional
explosion, which is probably the most
171
00:10:08,620 --> 00:10:11,280
intense feeling they will ever have in
their entire lives.
172
00:10:11,540 --> 00:10:15,220
They rush off to a church, swear they
will keep it up forever.
173
00:10:16,020 --> 00:10:21,480
Then, when the steam of lust has
cleared, they see each other's black
174
00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:23,740
nasal hair with popular clarity.
175
00:10:25,100 --> 00:10:29,980
They realise they are joined at the
legal hip and are condemned to years.
176
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:35,340
of felon compromise, bitterness,
despair, depression, futility.
177
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:40,940
Only if they're lucky, the blessed
release of an early death.
178
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,780
I never realised it was such fun.
179
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:55,100
Well, I speak, of course, from the lofty
point of total ignorance of the state.
180
00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:57,000
We enjoyed it, Maggie and I.
181
00:10:57,740 --> 00:11:00,800
It was wonderful to start with, but just
kept getting better.
182
00:11:01,780 --> 00:11:07,660
It's 15 years since she died, and yet I
still find myself turning towards her to
183
00:11:07,660 --> 00:11:08,660
share a thought.
184
00:11:09,180 --> 00:11:13,900
Only to find she's not there, and...
Don't get maudlin, Tom.
185
00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:15,140
Might be forced to be sick.
186
00:11:17,180 --> 00:11:19,300
I never understood why you didn't get
married.
187
00:11:19,580 --> 00:11:20,580
Oh, God!
188
00:11:21,140 --> 00:11:23,000
Oh, yes, I know, I know, yes.
189
00:11:23,660 --> 00:11:25,160
All your lovers were bastards.
190
00:11:25,540 --> 00:11:29,800
But you're such an impetuous creature,
and marriage is an impetuous act. I can
191
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:32,800
never understand why the person and act
never got together.
192
00:11:33,100 --> 00:11:35,420
Well, the best ones weren't only
bastards.
193
00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:38,240
The best of the lot was a married
bastard.
194
00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:39,680
Ah, picky.
195
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:43,240
I set my cap at that one man for 30
years.
196
00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:45,680
I'll have him one day, I thought.
197
00:11:45,940 --> 00:11:46,940
And did you?
198
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:48,500
Frequently, biblically, but...
199
00:11:52,020 --> 00:11:54,480
Permanently. He was always gone by
breakfast.
200
00:11:54,820 --> 00:11:55,820
Well,
201
00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:56,699
I was a mistress.
202
00:11:56,700 --> 00:12:00,860
No wise man ever marries his mistress,
does he? Merely creates a vacancy.
203
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:05,480
A cad and a bounder. Oh, yes. He was
never going to leave his wife.
204
00:12:05,940 --> 00:12:09,780
I scanned the obituaries every day in
case the silly card had the decency to
205
00:12:09,780 --> 00:12:10,780
step under a bus.
206
00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:12,640
That's terrible.
207
00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:14,760
No. That's being a woman.
208
00:12:15,530 --> 00:12:19,630
When it comes to the obsessive desire
for a certain mate, we are far more
209
00:12:19,630 --> 00:12:24,370
primeval creatures than simpering
menfolk with their long faces and
210
00:12:24,370 --> 00:12:27,330
poetry. We want to get, not suffer.
211
00:12:27,590 --> 00:12:28,870
But you didn't get.
212
00:12:29,370 --> 00:12:30,870
Nor did you get got.
213
00:12:32,090 --> 00:12:34,070
No, I failed.
214
00:12:34,490 --> 00:12:35,710
Hello? Dad?
215
00:12:36,330 --> 00:12:38,670
Oh, that's Geoffrey. Oh, good party
time.
216
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:42,400
Hello, Geoffrey.
217
00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:43,620
Lovely to see you.
218
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:45,540
Delivering some yoghurts in the area?
219
00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:47,280
Um, not quite, Dad.
220
00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:49,460
Is Marion with you?
221
00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:52,140
No. Of course not. She just rang me.
222
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:53,900
Oh, what did she say? Oh, nothing
really.
223
00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:57,080
Just singing mainly and tap dancing.
224
00:12:58,420 --> 00:13:00,640
Oh, I see. Look, can I have a word with
you, Dad?
225
00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:04,140
Oh, be my guest. Have two. Be a devil
and have a whole sentence.
226
00:13:05,140 --> 00:13:06,280
I mean, in private.
227
00:13:06,540 --> 00:13:07,369
Oh, Diana.
228
00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:10,490
I have no secrets from each other? Yes,
of course we do, Tom. Besides, I have
229
00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:13,910
absolutely no desire to hear the
riveting revelations of Mr.
230
00:13:14,290 --> 00:13:15,290
Excitement here.
231
00:13:15,730 --> 00:13:18,390
I shall be hammering Basil into the
croquet lawn.
232
00:13:20,190 --> 00:13:21,590
No, she's not really rude.
233
00:13:21,830 --> 00:13:23,010
It's just her manner.
234
00:13:23,350 --> 00:13:25,470
No, she's right. I am a terribly boring
person.
235
00:13:25,750 --> 00:13:28,390
Oh, no, Geoffrey, you're not terribly
boring.
236
00:13:29,130 --> 00:13:30,130
It's all relative.
237
00:13:30,230 --> 00:13:34,190
I mean, there are societies, I'm quite
sure, where the endless discussions of
238
00:13:34,190 --> 00:13:38,350
DIY and real ills are considered to be
the height of witty repartees.
239
00:13:38,990 --> 00:13:41,270
Dad, I've left Marion.
240
00:13:43,250 --> 00:13:44,290
You've left her what?
241
00:13:45,030 --> 00:13:48,310
Oh, don't you start. I've left her,
moved out. It's all over.
242
00:13:49,270 --> 00:13:51,670
Oh, Geoffrey.
243
00:13:53,370 --> 00:13:54,570
Well done.
244
00:13:54,870 --> 00:13:55,870
Congratulations,
245
00:13:56,350 --> 00:13:57,350
a man of...
246
00:13:58,320 --> 00:13:59,640
I'm so happy for you.
247
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:01,420
Look, Basil, a parrot.
248
00:14:02,340 --> 00:14:03,340
Where?
249
00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:06,760
I can't see a parrot.
250
00:14:07,020 --> 00:14:09,320
No, of course you can't. This is
Bournemouth, not Tahiti.
251
00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:14,220
But you just said... Ah, look, Basil, I
know what your game is. Trying to put me
252
00:14:14,220 --> 00:14:18,540
off going on about parrots. Well, I'm
sick of your cheating. Any more of it
253
00:14:18,540 --> 00:14:20,600
you'll cop this in your favourite toys.
254
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:21,879
I'm sorry.
255
00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:22,799
I'm sorry.
256
00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:23,800
Shut up.
257
00:14:24,060 --> 00:14:25,420
Watch while I...
258
00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:28,070
Play my winning shot brilliantly.
259
00:14:31,230 --> 00:14:32,230
Diana!
260
00:14:33,010 --> 00:14:34,510
You cloth head!
261
00:14:34,750 --> 00:14:36,870
You owe me £10. What for?
262
00:14:37,330 --> 00:14:39,330
For spoiling my winning shot.
263
00:14:39,710 --> 00:14:43,290
Now the Sex Pistol here will win the
game and I'll lose the £10 we were
264
00:14:43,290 --> 00:14:45,370
for. We were only playing for 10p.
265
00:14:45,710 --> 00:14:46,750
Thank you, Basil.
266
00:14:47,590 --> 00:14:48,590
Prat.
267
00:14:49,950 --> 00:14:50,950
Oh, yes.
268
00:14:52,530 --> 00:14:53,950
Oh, what is it?
269
00:14:55,660 --> 00:14:57,880
Is it my extra -strength condoms?
270
00:14:58,900 --> 00:15:00,180
No, it is not.
271
00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:04,780
And I'd be very grateful if you didn't
write things like that on the residence
272
00:15:04,780 --> 00:15:05,780
shopping list.
273
00:15:06,660 --> 00:15:08,520
It's a laughing stock of boots.
274
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:12,240
Well, come on, then. What is it?
275
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:18,100
Well, as you know, Diana has requested
that all residents should have access to
276
00:15:18,100 --> 00:15:20,120
an alarm system in case they're
attacked.
277
00:15:20,660 --> 00:15:21,660
I never attack anyone.
278
00:15:22,190 --> 00:15:23,250
I'm always invited in.
279
00:15:24,010 --> 00:15:25,090
Aimed at you, Basil.
280
00:15:25,950 --> 00:15:29,150
So what cheap trash has Baines come up
with this time?
281
00:15:29,350 --> 00:15:33,130
Is it one of those high -powered,
wailing, bleeping, fleshing jobs?
282
00:15:34,090 --> 00:15:36,150
Well, they do make a lot of noise.
283
00:15:36,910 --> 00:15:37,910
Come on, then.
284
00:15:51,950 --> 00:15:55,110
Can't tomorrow lecture at the sex
therapist's convention.
285
00:15:55,970 --> 00:15:57,330
What can they teach you?
286
00:15:57,590 --> 00:15:59,310
Nothing. I'm giving the lecture.
287
00:16:00,930 --> 00:16:02,330
Go away, Baz.
288
00:16:03,890 --> 00:16:04,829
What, who?
289
00:16:04,830 --> 00:16:07,290
Oh, hello, Jeffrey. Still here?
290
00:16:08,130 --> 00:16:09,130
You're in my feet.
291
00:16:09,950 --> 00:16:10,950
Oh, I'm so sorry.
292
00:16:37,100 --> 00:16:38,940
Still keeping the vampires at bay, I
see.
293
00:16:40,060 --> 00:16:41,820
Oh, what a perfectly formed elbow.
294
00:16:42,140 --> 00:16:43,140
Oh, sorry.
295
00:16:48,660 --> 00:16:49,660
Ah!
296
00:16:49,820 --> 00:16:50,820
Farmyard impressions.
297
00:16:52,340 --> 00:16:55,800
No, no, no. No, no, don't tell me, don't
tell me. It's, um... No, no, I'm very
298
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:56,800
good at farmyard impressions.
299
00:16:57,300 --> 00:17:01,160
It's, uh... I know. It's a toad farting
in custody.
300
00:17:15,849 --> 00:17:16,950
Sat on some ginger, has he?
301
00:17:20,210 --> 00:17:21,410
He's left, Marion.
302
00:17:21,770 --> 00:17:22,770
Left her what?
303
00:17:23,650 --> 00:17:27,470
Why can't anyone believe that I have the
strength of character to walk out on my
304
00:17:27,470 --> 00:17:30,450
wife? Oh, Geoffrey, well done.
305
00:17:30,970 --> 00:17:31,970
That's what I said.
306
00:17:32,190 --> 00:17:33,470
What brought this on?
307
00:17:33,870 --> 00:17:35,050
Well, nothing in particular.
308
00:17:35,410 --> 00:17:37,430
Just years of embarrassment and
humiliation.
309
00:17:37,970 --> 00:17:41,250
She's slept with half my friends. She
pops pills till they're coming out of
310
00:17:41,250 --> 00:17:45,110
ears. She's a hopeless mother and,
well... Sometimes I go as far as saying
311
00:17:45,110 --> 00:17:46,110
not very nice.
312
00:17:47,130 --> 00:17:48,130
I'd never have known.
313
00:17:49,330 --> 00:17:52,970
So, you've got yourself somewhere lined
up, have you? A little pad somewhere, a
314
00:17:52,970 --> 00:17:55,530
fridge full of shampoos? Well, I've got
a temporary place, thanks. Oh, really?
315
00:17:55,570 --> 00:17:57,470
Well... Here, I'm stopping with Dad for
a bit.
316
00:17:58,350 --> 00:17:59,350
Won't that be fun?
317
00:18:02,250 --> 00:18:03,610
Happy lunchtime, everybody.
318
00:18:04,210 --> 00:18:05,230
It's a lovely day.
319
00:18:05,530 --> 00:18:08,730
Any questions, any problems, everybody
happy.
320
00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:20,920
The really interesting thing about pine
shelving, that is, proper Norwegian
321
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:24,080
pine, not your local rubbish, is its
potentially wooden quality.
322
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:27,660
I mean, a lot of people find pine a bit
dull and common, and they have the more
323
00:18:27,660 --> 00:18:28,940
exotic woods for their shelves.
324
00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:31,500
But I will always go to bat for good,
solid pine.
325
00:18:31,780 --> 00:18:35,000
I find the best place to get it is
Mason's, just up the 314. You know where
326
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:38,400
mean. If you go past the railway
station, then cut across on the 217,
327
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:41,060
find you save quite a few minutes by
taking the bypass, which comes out just
328
00:18:41,060 --> 00:18:42,080
beyond Mason's Yard.
329
00:18:42,410 --> 00:18:45,470
Mason himself is a fine man, and we
often spend hours checking the grains
330
00:18:45,470 --> 00:18:46,850
discussing cross -cut techniques.
331
00:18:47,530 --> 00:18:48,570
I'm not boring you, am I?
332
00:18:48,770 --> 00:18:50,470
What? Oh, good Lord, no, no.
333
00:18:51,070 --> 00:18:55,030
Who'd want to talk world news when they
can get the lowdown on kitchen shelving?
334
00:18:55,190 --> 00:18:59,230
Oh, just as I know that Dad sometimes
thinks my interest in real ale and DIY
335
00:18:59,230 --> 00:19:00,530
a bit obsessive. Isn't that so, Dad?
336
00:19:01,310 --> 00:19:02,310
No?
337
00:19:03,250 --> 00:19:04,250
Yes,
338
00:19:04,530 --> 00:19:06,090
Wednesdays. It's tumbling out of cold.
339
00:19:06,550 --> 00:19:07,910
How long does that take?
340
00:19:08,430 --> 00:19:11,630
Well, it depends who's... Our duty and
whether Dickie Attenborough's finished
341
00:19:11,630 --> 00:19:12,630
the travel passes.
342
00:19:13,410 --> 00:19:16,750
Dickie's getting a bit slow in his old
age. Mind you, they all are. Tunnel full
343
00:19:16,750 --> 00:19:20,330
of ageing actors all bashing into each
other like blind moles. They'll probably
344
00:19:20,330 --> 00:19:21,330
be down there for years.
345
00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:27,800
Anyway, as I was saying, the other good
thing about pine is its friendly
346
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,900
quality. I think if you're going to live
with shelving for a few years, you want
347
00:19:30,900 --> 00:19:31,759
it to be friendly.
348
00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:34,720
You want to feel welcome in your own
kitchen. You want to feel welcome in
349
00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:35,459
own house.
350
00:19:35,460 --> 00:19:38,320
Marion's never made me feel welcome in
my own house. That's probably why I've
351
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:40,860
always thought peace and quiet in the
garage with my shelving and workmate
352
00:19:40,860 --> 00:19:41,860
bench.
353
00:19:42,460 --> 00:19:45,980
I was actually in the forefront of the
campaign for real ale. The local branch
354
00:19:45,980 --> 00:19:48,440
president said I was one of the unsung
heroes of the movement.
355
00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:51,640
That was in the 70s, of course. Now, I
suppose I'm what you might call a battle
356
00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:52,980
-hardened veteran of the campaign.
357
00:19:53,180 --> 00:19:54,700
And it was a real campaign.
358
00:19:55,060 --> 00:19:58,560
Oh, yes, mark my words. Some of the
local landlords were very hostile.
359
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:04,300
One of them used to sell us a packet of
hot scratchings for being rude about his
360
00:20:04,300 --> 00:20:05,300
mass -produced bitter.
361
00:20:05,540 --> 00:20:08,160
Of course, if you want a really
efficient alarm system around here, I
362
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:09,160
the thing. You do?
363
00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:10,700
Turkeys. What?
364
00:20:10,970 --> 00:20:14,510
Turkey is much more effective than guard
dogs and a lot less dangerous. A lot of
365
00:20:14,510 --> 00:20:17,550
Eastern European people watch turkey
around the place. I tell you, if they
366
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:20,790
stranger, they kick up an awful stink. I
got one once, but my wife strangled it
367
00:20:20,790 --> 00:20:21,449
and ate it.
368
00:20:21,450 --> 00:20:25,630
But I must say that I was a bit put out
because I had become quite fond of old
369
00:20:25,630 --> 00:20:28,390
Gertie and I didn't actually realise
that I was eating her until her little
370
00:20:28,390 --> 00:20:29,590
tag got caught in my teeth.
371
00:20:31,010 --> 00:20:32,370
Oh, I'll see you later then.
372
00:20:34,710 --> 00:20:37,630
Um, have you ever thought about pine
shelving?
373
00:20:41,900 --> 00:20:43,480
It's all right. It's only me.
374
00:20:45,300 --> 00:20:46,300
Where is he?
375
00:20:46,420 --> 00:20:47,580
I don't know.
376
00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:49,760
Out progging his yoghurt somewhere, I
suppose.
377
00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:53,420
He's not going to come rushing in and
start telling me about his collection of
378
00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:56,960
1958 train timetables. No, he's gone for
a while.
379
00:20:57,240 --> 00:20:58,240
Thank God.
380
00:21:00,260 --> 00:21:01,260
Oh.
381
00:21:01,900 --> 00:21:06,180
We were up half the night discussing the
effect of road work on house prices.
382
00:21:06,620 --> 00:21:10,540
Did you know that the bypass was, in
fact, an invention of the Romans and
383
00:21:10,540 --> 00:21:11,540
the local one...
384
00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:17,240
had created as much as a 6 .5 % price
rise in... Oh, Tom, don't you start.
385
00:21:17,540 --> 00:21:18,680
Oh, I'm sorry, but it's catching.
386
00:21:19,780 --> 00:21:24,440
There's something quite mesmeric about
cataloguing a myriad of useless facts.
387
00:21:24,500 --> 00:21:26,720
It's like an anaesthetic. Too much and
it can kill you.
388
00:21:27,100 --> 00:21:28,520
That had crossed my mind.
389
00:21:28,780 --> 00:21:31,680
Tom, you have got to get rid of him.
390
00:21:32,300 --> 00:21:33,580
He is my son.
391
00:21:33,940 --> 00:21:37,180
Yes, well, I'm sure Mrs Mussolini said
the same thing about her, little boy.
392
00:21:38,900 --> 00:21:42,420
But it would have been far... Better for
all concerned if she had set aside
393
00:21:42,420 --> 00:21:45,200
cloying sentiment and throttled the fat
little bugger.
394
00:21:46,940 --> 00:21:49,540
But what can I do?
395
00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:51,760
Just send him back to Marion.
396
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:54,340
I wouldn't wish death on anyone, even
Marion.
397
00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:59,800
Has he told you about his collection of
3 ,000 grass seed catalogues? No.
398
00:22:00,060 --> 00:22:03,020
Has he listed the additives permitted in
his yoghurt?
399
00:22:03,300 --> 00:22:07,720
No. Has he told you what is inside a
golf ball? All right, all right.
400
00:22:09,379 --> 00:22:11,240
What are we going to do?
401
00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:12,560
Leave it to me.
402
00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:21,900
No, thank you.
403
00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:29,380
Here we are.
404
00:22:29,980 --> 00:22:32,220
Would you like to be mother? Well, I
will pour the coffee.
405
00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:34,280
There's only one cup.
406
00:22:34,380 --> 00:22:36,560
No, I don't drink coffee. It's a form of
stimulant.
407
00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:38,600
Why are you dressed like Superwoman?
408
00:22:38,890 --> 00:22:39,890
I have an aerobics class.
409
00:22:40,090 --> 00:22:42,710
I believe in a healthy mind and a
healthy body.
410
00:22:43,010 --> 00:22:43,809
Since when?
411
00:22:43,810 --> 00:22:47,650
You've been an animated pharmacy longer
than Tom's been old and batty. But not
412
00:22:47,650 --> 00:22:49,710
anymore. I don't believe you.
413
00:22:50,030 --> 00:22:52,270
I think you've discovered a new
happiness pill.
414
00:22:52,590 --> 00:22:55,550
No way. I might try it. You look years
younger. What's it called?
415
00:22:56,050 --> 00:22:58,290
It's called living without Geoffrey.
416
00:22:58,830 --> 00:23:01,310
Just as long as you don't want me to
have him back.
417
00:23:01,690 --> 00:23:05,790
Well, now, actually... Do you know, he
once wanted to count all the hairs on my
418
00:23:05,790 --> 00:23:08,190
head. To see if I complied with the
national average.
419
00:23:08,410 --> 00:23:09,410
And did you?
420
00:23:09,530 --> 00:23:12,370
When he got to two million, I stabbed
him in the leg.
421
00:23:13,050 --> 00:23:15,870
So, now you have given up your booze and
your pills.
422
00:23:16,070 --> 00:23:17,049
I'm a new woman.
423
00:23:17,050 --> 00:23:20,950
Yes, you certainly are. Who knows,
perhaps you didn't really hate me after
424
00:23:21,210 --> 00:23:22,990
Oh, no, that was perfectly genuine.
425
00:23:23,230 --> 00:23:24,230
Yes, it usually is.
426
00:23:24,630 --> 00:23:28,850
So, what do you intend to do with your
new life? I intend having a good time
427
00:23:28,850 --> 00:23:30,610
a few years. Quite a few years.
428
00:23:30,830 --> 00:23:33,290
What about your revolting children? Oh,
they're all going to kennel.
429
00:23:33,930 --> 00:23:34,930
Boarding school.
430
00:23:35,439 --> 00:23:37,740
During holidays, I will be the mortal
mother.
431
00:23:37,940 --> 00:23:38,960
And during term time?
432
00:23:43,700 --> 00:23:48,940
I'm just getting back onto my own feet.
I see a glorious life ahead of me, but
433
00:23:48,940 --> 00:23:52,980
I'm still not quite my old self. The
habits of half a lifetime are hard to
434
00:23:52,980 --> 00:23:59,060
off. So now I appeal to you, as one
woman to another, if I am to have a
435
00:23:59,060 --> 00:24:02,860
at happiness, please don't try and bring
Geoffrey and me together again.
436
00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:04,200
All right?
437
00:24:21,700 --> 00:24:22,820
How did it go with Marion?
438
00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:24,620
Well... He's driving me nuts.
439
00:24:24,860 --> 00:24:26,900
Do you know how many bricks there are on
the Great Wall of China?
440
00:24:27,140 --> 00:24:28,119
No.
441
00:24:28,120 --> 00:24:30,020
And he wants me to take up Morristown.
442
00:24:31,300 --> 00:24:34,440
It depends on the size of the bricks.
443
00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:35,759
What's that?
444
00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:38,860
In the Great Wall of China, the number
of bricks would depend on the size of
445
00:24:38,860 --> 00:24:40,460
bricks. Geoffrey. Yes, Diana.
446
00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:42,120
I have been to see Marion.
447
00:24:42,360 --> 00:24:43,760
Well, she wouldn't know. She knows
nothing about bricks.
448
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:46,860
She was discussing your situation.
449
00:24:48,540 --> 00:24:49,540
OK, what's she say?
450
00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:55,570
Well... She said to me, in confidence,
as one woman to another... Yes.
451
00:24:57,750 --> 00:24:59,530
No, I can't tell you. It's all right, I
can tell you.
452
00:25:00,190 --> 00:25:04,770
Well, she said... She misses you
terribly.
453
00:25:05,490 --> 00:25:06,490
What?
454
00:25:07,820 --> 00:25:08,819
Marion, say that.
455
00:25:08,820 --> 00:25:12,500
Yes, but she said she would never be
able to tell you. In fact, she said she
456
00:25:12,500 --> 00:25:15,400
would probably tell you to go away, but
she said you were not to listen to her.
457
00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:20,160
She said she wanted you to be stubborn
and determined and the man about the
458
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:23,540
house and insist on staying however much
she threw things at you.
459
00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:24,960
This is true.
460
00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:26,000
Shut up.
461
00:25:27,500 --> 00:25:31,240
Poor darling, I must go to her at once.
Yes, yes, you must, and be firm, be
462
00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:32,640
strong, and take earplugs.
463
00:25:33,660 --> 00:25:34,660
Thank you, Diana.
464
00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:38,980
I can't believe this is possible. The
kids told me she was singing and dancing
465
00:25:38,980 --> 00:25:41,120
and doing cartwheels on the patio. No,
no, no.
466
00:25:41,380 --> 00:25:43,180
Hysteria. She wants you now.
467
00:25:43,660 --> 00:25:47,580
But ring her first. Why? Well, maybe she
wants to give you a big surprise.
468
00:25:48,180 --> 00:25:49,820
Or not give you a big surprise.
469
00:25:50,260 --> 00:25:51,900
Just go, Geoffrey, and good luck.
470
00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:56,240
I have to go, Dad. I'm sorry. I know
you'll miss me.
471
00:25:56,480 --> 00:25:57,480
I'll manage.
472
00:25:58,080 --> 00:25:59,260
I'll look up that brick thing.
473
00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:00,059
Oh, do.
474
00:26:00,060 --> 00:26:01,060
Wonderful.
475
00:26:01,220 --> 00:26:02,320
Bye, Geoffrey.
476
00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:03,520
Bye, Dad.
477
00:26:07,340 --> 00:26:08,340
Diana. What?
478
00:26:08,660 --> 00:26:10,060
You fibbed. Me?
479
00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:15,260
Yes, even Marion in all her awfulness
would not want that bone -brained dope
480
00:26:15,260 --> 00:26:16,259
back again.
481
00:26:16,260 --> 00:26:17,680
Don, that's your tongue.
482
00:26:18,120 --> 00:26:22,540
My friends I choose, my relatives are
inflicted upon me. What have you done?
483
00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:26,280
Well, he's going to drive somebody round
the twist. If it hadn't been her, it
484
00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:28,480
would have been you. I was merely
looking after my interest.
485
00:26:28,780 --> 00:26:30,420
Oh, so I'm an interest to you, am I?
486
00:26:30,860 --> 00:26:31,920
I didn't say that.
487
00:26:32,140 --> 00:26:33,380
Well, what did you say then?
488
00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:37,540
Tom, shut up. Oh, come on. Make a
statement, woman. What am I to you?
489
00:26:37,940 --> 00:26:39,020
What is an interest?
490
00:26:39,380 --> 00:26:44,060
No, don't upset the balance. No, no, no.
I mean, am I a hobby or a plaything?
491
00:26:44,320 --> 00:26:46,360
I mean, where are we? No, Tom.
492
00:26:46,700 --> 00:26:49,480
Never ask the questions. You may get the
answers.
493
00:27:32,650 --> 00:27:33,650
Back old memories.
494
00:27:34,090 --> 00:27:35,250
I was a biggin' hill.
495
00:27:36,150 --> 00:27:40,350
Had a pang and lost both my legs. Then
was chopped down by the hun and they had
496
00:27:40,350 --> 00:27:42,530
to drop in a pair of tin legs for me.
497
00:27:42,850 --> 00:27:45,070
That is very tasteless, Tom.
498
00:27:45,350 --> 00:27:46,410
Is it? Oh, good.
499
00:27:46,750 --> 00:27:48,770
I've always wanted to be tasteless.
37418
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