Original subtitles

Antonio?

Hi! Antonio!

Vous êtes complètement fou!

Le nom des fleurs, pas des weeds, vous êtes un portugueso stupido sardino.

Vous avez la gardening ability d 'un bombe de napalm.

Diana, what do you want?

It's hard enough to get people to work here as it is. It is made doubly hard if

you go around chucking half the garden at them.

But the man's a fool.

He doesn't know the first thing about gardening.

Well, of course he doesn't. He's a chef.

Well, what's he doing in the garden?

We've already got a chef.

And is he a gardener?

No, he's a Korean.

I think I'm losing this one.

I've handed all the catering arrangements over to this company which

employ nothing but illegal immigrants.

Koreans, Peruvians, Filipinos.

It's wonderful.

It cuts the cost down by a third.

That is immoral, Harvey.

Well, thank you, Diana.

I'm happy you'd say so.

Where's your little chum today?

Tom?

Haven't a clue.

Oh, he keeps disappearing.

Probably got some little doxy stashed away in downtown Sin City, Bournemouth.

I don't know. I'm not his keeper.

Yes, well, when you see him, could you also ask him to stop harassing the new

staff?

The Peruvian cleaner do not wish to do aerobics with him.

I'll see you later.

Toodle -pip.

Aerobics? What's he up to?

Oh,

God. Exit goofy, enter mini -mouse.

Hello, Diana.

You're not here all on our own.

I'm train -spotting, Jane.

Won't be many choo -choo here.

No railway line.

All right, I'm sitting here not spotting trains.

Oh, well, you'll probably do very well then.

Oh, God.

How tall are you, Jane?

About this high.

Too tall.

For what?

For a Filipino.

Sorry.

And again, you could get yourself a tan, call yourself Consuelo, see if that

fooled him.

Who? That idiot Baines. Your beloved Harvey.

He's going to replace you with a Filipino.

What? Or possibly one of those East Europeans who spell their names entirely

with consonants.

What are you talking about?

Harvey's new policy.

Illegal slave labour to run this place.

We're learning to dance in funny costumes so that we can communicate with

Oh, that won't affect me.

Surely? Oh, bound to. You can speak English and do the job. Far too

You're going to be replaced by a diminutive Latino.

Oh.

That's better. Nothing like a bit of random malevolence to cheer me up.

What help?

Oh, God.

Tom, what do you think you're doing?

I'm getting fit.

What for?

I'm going to be a world -class athlete.

Oh, my God.

Jane?

Harvey!

Ah, is he all right?

Fine. Oh, don't be so stupid.

He collapsed on top of me.

Russian maid threw a bucket of water over us.

He overdid it a bit, that's all.

Men who've spent 40 years behind a desk shouldn't suddenly take up marathon

running. Why not?

Because it's a damn silly thing to do. That's why not, Tom.

We thought you'd had a coronary.

We thought your little heart had stopped going boom -dee -dee -boom -dee -dee

-boom.

Thank you, Jane.

And it's Friday.

You know how the undertakers always swizzle us at weekends.

Most inconsiderate, Tom.

Well, I'll be off now.

You take it easy, Mr Ballard.

Right -o.

Bye. I'll see you out. Look, I'm sorry he's OK.

But before you go, I'd be grateful if you'd look at one of our cleaners. She

says she has leprosy.

This way.

Could you pass me my vitamins, please?

What is all this rubbish?

I want to be Rocky. You are very Rocky.

Quite unstable.

No, Rocky, as in the film. That chap who became the world champion boxer.

I mean, what did he have to start with?

A low hairline and a speech impediment.

But after a lot of running, he not only became very rich and very fit, but was

overrun by Nordic ladies with huge chests.

Thank you, Tom.

Well? Winter's coming on, and there's something to be said for a decent -sized

woman.

I never liked duvets.

Fine.

Please don't equate women with eiderdowns, or I'll be forced to clobber

And I want to do the four -minute mile. Well, call a cab, for God's sake.

You don't understand.

I want to get fit.

What for?

What for?

I want to live longer.

Oh, why?

We spend half our lives here going quite gaga with boredom. What on earth do you

want to extend it for?

I want to start again.

I don't want to sit around here saying, I'm getting old, time to fizzle out.

I want to revitalise myself.

Just like that, eh?

No, no.

You have to prepare the vessel, my body. You can't pour a new soul into a

cracked old pot.

No comment.

You know what I mean. Yes, of course I do. You want to turn the clock back. You

want to be young again.

You want your head examined.

Where are you getting these loopy ideas?

I have discovered a new way of thinking.

From whom? From within.

Mind over matter.

Age is merely a state of mind.

It's also a state of body, Tom.

You get old, you fall to pieces, you die. That's it.

Supposing it wasn't. Ah, but it is.

Just think about it.

Now, go on.

Yes.

Have a little speculative thought. It won't kill you.

How do you mean?

Well, think back to when you were young.

Oh.

All right. I'm thinking.

And happy?

Well, that narrows it down a bit.

Now, go on.

Your best days.

What do you see?

Oh, my God, what awful clothes.

On who?

On me in a uniform.

Where? Up in a Dakota.

I had a funny sort of job in the WAPs. I used to go up with the boys on their

first parachute jump.

The idea was that if there was a woman shoving them out, they'd think twice

before being chicken.

I wasn't very good at it. If one of the poor sods got into a funk, I usually

ended up sleeping with him.

Word got around.

One day I opened the door and the whole bloody lot sat tight.

Well, what about VE Day?

Oh, the best.

Trafalgar Square.

Kurt, twirling eyes, flashing head, always turning.

I was there.

I was young. I was alive.

And it was enough.

It was all going to be wonderful. Nothing could stop us. We'd paid our

tenfold and the rest of life was going to be one long, long holiday.

So, that was the moment, huh?

You were young, fit and healthy.

Well, it's quite simple. All you have to do is to get back into that frame of

mind and your body will follow suit.

No.

You're wrong, Tom.

It's a pity.

But you're wrong.

Stick to hanging around with your Matthew chums from the movies.

Don't try doing it yourself. You'll just end up face down in the gravel with

Harvey Baines trying to sell off bits of you before they go cold.

Night -night.

Night -night.

Mi padre, de muerto.

My father is dead.

Jane, I'm so sorry.

Oh, not really.

No, it's just more Spanish.

Y soy pinguines.

I am a penguin.

Jane, much as I applaud your desire to be a European, I fear you may find

yourself in deep trouble if you run round foreign parts proclaiming, my

is dead, I am a penguin.

No, it's to try and keep my job here.

to prove to Harvey that I can be a foreigner at the new start.

Oh, Lord.

I'm up and down.

I'm out and down.

Come on, hands in the air.

Man off in aero.

Come on, I'm trying to save your lives.

What is going on?

My penguin is dead.

What is he doing?

He's trying to prolong their active life.

I'll bloody well shorten his.

That's my staff.

Oi!

He's just not an animal lover, I suppose.

There's something funny going on here.

A terrible waste of gin.

Still, as long as it gets the buggers clean.

Hello, Diana.

Oh, hello, Geoffrey. Come in.

Is Dad not here?

No, no, I've sent him down to the shops. Well, come in.

God, is it that ghastly place.

How lovely to see that your charming wife hasn't been run over or anything.

What do you want?

Would you care to sit down, Marion, or is there too much of a strain on the old

grey matter?

Ask her what the hell she wants, so that we can get out of here before we catch

something.

Um, it's awfully nice of you to ask us over, Diana. Do sit down, Geoffrey.

Oh, right, thank you.

Can I have some of your water?

If you insist.

Well, it's a lovely day, Diana.

Geoffrey, get on with it. Your cheese slices?

Oh, yes, Diana, I do have 28 cartons of cheese slices and 300 yoghurts waiting

in the Volvo.

I don't wish to know about the further reaches of your sex life.

To deliver.

It's his boring little job.

What do you want?

It's about your father.

He's not trying to have himself snapped frozen again, is he?

No, he is trying to get fit and healthy.

Sounds reasonable. Not when taken to dangerous extremes.

He is taken to running and jumping.

And this morning, a Taiwanese cleaner was partially damaged when a set of

barbells fell out of Tom's wardrobe.

Because it didn't fall on him.

Isn't it just another of his little adventures, like climbing Everest or

fighting Victor Mature in the Coliseum? Yes, but he does all that without

leaving that chair.

This is for real.

He's in extreme danger of totally knackering himself and going belly up on

You mean he'll die?

Right. Oh, that would be sad.

Excuse me a moment.

Diana,

my yoghurt's the softening.

I'm not surprised.

Geoffrey, your father keeps disappearing.

I don't know where he's going. He won't tell me, but he's coming back with some

very daft ideas.

So what do you want me to do? Well, help me track him down, you great thickness.

Oh, right -o.

Oh, look, Marion's just bitten a Chinese man.

He's Korean.

I am following that cab, Diana.

My husband is so boring.

It's a community centre.

Sharp as a tack, Geoffrey.

What happens here?

It's full of communists.

They do all those courses.

Karate, krami, lesbian tree pruning.

Don't want your great dead pudding.

I didn't even know they had lesbian trees.

Oh, pottery.

That's it, that's it.

I've got it for the beer. What is it?

Taxidermy.

Oh,

there

he is.

Oh, my God.

He's found himself a guru.

It's a woman.

There are women gurus.

How do you know she's a guru?

She's sitting on the floor.

Only mystics and five -year -olds sit on the floor when there are perfectly good

chairs available.

But they're talking about sex.

Why would they be doing that, dear?

I don't know.

What else is there to talk about?

What are we going to do?

Well, we find out who this mystic is, get the goods on her. It's bound to be a

charlatan. And I'll tell Tom the truth.

He'll sulk for a couple of days, then he'll trot off to Madrid.

He's fighting Franco again this summer.

What's up, Geoffrey?

Marianne. Yes, Geoffrey?

I think I hate you.

Signor Harvey?

Cacchiere?

What? Yes, Harvey, what is your desire?

These new staff members are really excellent news, Jane, economy -wise.

work harder, they cost less, and they're... they're shorter.

Shorter?

Economy's at scale, Jane.

Shorter workers need less material for their uniforms, need less wood for their

bunks, eat less.

I'm a percentage man, Jane. I shave the cost percentages a little more each

week, each month.

Oh, you are clever, Harvey.

Your mother slept with a

tiger.

She does nothing of the sort.

I'm sick of these rumors about my mother.

No, it's a Korean proverb.

It means you're a man of great strength.

Yes, well, thank you, Jane, but if we could just stick to the subject in hand.

I don't know what's the matter with you.

Are you still upset about this dead penguin of yours?

Right, note to the board.

Suggest that in future the admission qualifications contain a height clause.

All new residents should be as short as possible.

Suggest special rates for geriatric midgets.

Very good, AJ.

Wonderful, Harvey.

Also suggest that dismissal of all English -speaking staff and replacing

with diminutive foreigners.

You must have really loved that penguin.

So, what's her name?

Susan Speed.

And what's her criminal record?

Oh, come on, Geoffrey. She's promising long life and all that cobbler. She's

to have a record of fraud and diddling somewhere.

No, no, no, that's no good. That'll take forever.

No... Oh, God. No, Geoffrey, just go back to being chronically useless. I'll

make it up as I go along.

Is there any sign of my ring yet?

Well, tell her to eat more fibre.

rabbit, I want the

wish they wouldn't have knife fights on the croquet, Lord.

Oh, Lord, what's Tom up to now?

What, hello?

Hello, Tom. You look like a lollipop.

This is Ralph Lawrence.

Who is?

My tracksuit.

But your tracksuit is called Ralph.

Yes, and this is my tennis bag, Fred Perry.

Hello, Fred.

Tom? Yes?

You can't play tennis.

Oh, yes, I can. Oh, no, you can't. I have told myself I can.

so that when I step out onto that court... You'll make a total arse of

We shall see.

I have been checking up on your guru.

My what?

The game is up, Tom. I know you go to the community centre for sessions with

notorious Susan Speed.

Notorious? Susan Speed? Yes.

She's got a string of convictions as long as your arm.

Tell me more.

Well, um... Fraud?

and bogus charities, and setting up illegal religions.

You've forgotten manslaughter.

Really? Yes, and poisoning, and blackmail, and setting fire to Her

dockyard. All right, all right.

Oh, Diana, you cheer me up. You really do.

You are a prime example of your kind.

And what prey is my kind?

The means to an end kind.

lying, cheating, bad -mouthing, totally awful kind.

Only do it for your own good. Yes, I think you really believe that, in which

case I thank you for your wicked slanders, but in my case I'm afraid they

wash. Tom, anyone who tells you you can gain eternal life by sitting in

uncomfortable positions has got to be some sort of crook.

She's invited me to tea today.

You can come along too.

All right.

See if you can con her way round me.

And Griego, well, they do things differently in Lithuania. Not the face.

Please, not my face!

No more than you are, Diana.

Come along.

She's a nutter, isn't she?

That's it, isn't it? That's why we've had to come to a hospital to visit her.

They've committed her, haven't they?

Well, I'm sure it's just a technical hitch.

I knew it. I'm sure that once they realise how good her ideas are, they'll

let her out. Oh, Tom, they see you coming, don't they?

Every crack... A pot in the country homes in on you like some nut -seeking

missile.

You're probably right.

Ah, Susan.

Hello, Tom. How lovely to see you.

And this is your friend Diana Trent, I presume.

Well, at least they let you wear your own clothes.

Yes, well, um, I'm here mainly in a teaching capacity.

She thinks she's a teacher.

Uh -uh.

You, uh, like sitting behind desks, do you, dear?

Sorry? You like playing doctors, do you?

Well, I am a doctor. Yes, of course you are.

She's also a professor.

Don't you start.

A professor of geriatric medicine.

Yes, and I'm a professor of tiddlywinks.

You.

Will you excuse me while I throttle my friend?

You told me she was a loony.

No, no, you told yourself that.

I apologise, Professor.

Not at all.

Even if you are a professor of geriatrics, that doesn't excuse you

old buzzard here he could live forever.

That's not quite what I said.

Ah, what did you say?

That old age is a relatively new concept?

Now, we can confidently expect to live 10, 20, 30 years into old age.

Oh, how boring.

We're here for twice as long as our ancestors were, but we still have their

attitude towards age.

Now, didn't I always say that? Oh, it'll change.

Soon as the baby boomers become the wrinkly boomers, then there'll be a

new set of attitudes appearing.

Meanwhile... I'm trying to do some of the groundwork. I am campaigning for an

ageless society.

I want all information about a person's age suppressed.

My goodness, you've got balls.

It should be illegal for anyone to be denied a job on the grounds of age.

Good idea. The elderly, they don't really exist anyway.

They're a government -decreed group. They're not defined by health, ability

desire, but simply something as arbitrary as age. Yes, but you're still

have people...

falling apart as they get older. The state should be there as a cushion for

those who need it, but not as a fixed guillotine that falls on some

day and cuts you off in what is probably your prime.

She's not silly, you know.

Tell her about how to live longer.

Some people say that we are genetically capable of living to around 130.

Think of that, Diana.

Another 60 years at Bayview.

Oh, my God.

85 is probably the best that most of us can expect.

Well, I urge all my patients and my therapy group to exercise not just the

but also the mind.

Move as much as you can, think as much as you can. Now, Tom here, his brain is

in very good condition.

He's as daft as a brush.

When he goes off on his travels, he's exercising his mind. He's keeping it

And what is he doing when he's half killing himself for running round the

like a Gucci clown?

Well, you did say that the elderly can do anything.

Yeah, but I didn't say that they could walk on water. Not yet.

Great twit.

I know this may sound a contradiction in turn, but old age is in its infancy.

Yes, yes, you're all going on a holiday.

On a nice holiday.

Not you, Antonio.

Your pant.

Bye -bye.

What's going on?

Harvey didn't do too well in a midnight machete fight on the croquet lawn.

It's moving, Mum.

What about their contract?

He sold them off to a Catholic boarding school in Crawley.

Go and help them. I'm sure he will.

It helped me harvest as I can speak in English again.

Left, left, left, right, left.

Eyes!