Original subtitles

Yin and your yang.

Yin's fine, but the old yang's a bit creaky.

And how are your eyes?

Oh, as good as ever. I pop them into a glass of sterodont each night. They come

up nice and bright in the morning.

Why do you want them? I was just wondering if you were adequately barking

to do today's cryptic crossword.

Chinese. Well, it's nine letters, huh? I throw my weight around in North London.

Islington. What?

Islington.

Islington.

Aye, aye, throw sling, wait tongue, North London, Islington.

Could be, I suppose.

Give me another.

No, it's all right. Finish it, have you? No, I just don't want to tax you. Oh,

don't worry.

Come on.

All right.

Ah, seven letters.

Mr. O 'Connor is unable to reach the highest register.

Death camp.

What?

Descant. Mr. O 'Connor, Des, is unable, can't, Des can't, Descant, the highest

register. Yes, well, it's always pathetically simple on Thursday.

I worked in an office for over 500 years, Diana. The cryptic crossword was

delicate piece in the endless game of one -upmanship.

If you finished it first, you were cock of the walk, but if you were beaten to

the post, then you just...

tossed it over your shoulder and said, oh, well, I wasn't really trying this

morning. It's always so pathetically simple on Thursdays.

You are an old rat, Tom.

Yes, I try my best.

Do you know what?

What? I don't know what I'm going to do today.

Got no plans at all.

Just going to be sitting here, gradually falling to bits, like an old car.

Clunk! Oh, dear, my arm's fallen off.

Yes.

Time.

Too much time to fill up this end of life's comic book.

Time is not a constant, Tom. It can only be measured by the individual user.

My God, that's deep.

I wonder what it means.

Well, I'm just going to step out.

Care to come with me?

Where are you going?

Troy. Troy.

Ancient Troy.

See if young Helen still fancies me.

You could tag along and lecture Achilles on the inadequacy of his footwear. You

are a total loop, Tom.

It's better than being bored out of one's mind.

Yes.

Maybe I could go and set fire to Harvey Baines.

You'd only get another.

Maybe I could go and tease Basil and Betty about their hyperactive sex lives.

Oh, oh, no, leave them alone.

Basil wants to marry Betty. Oh, my God, how grotesque.

He's been trying to get the courage up to ask her. Been in a dither for days.

Basil is a lizard.

Keep expecting him to flop off his skin.

Oh, don't be rotten.

I enjoy being rotten.

Why don't you try and expand your emotional repertoire and be nice to

a change?

I dare you.

What's to dare?

I thought, sir, you're chicken. You couldn't be nice if your life depended

it. Of course I could.

Oh, no. To you, every silver lining has a cloud.

Rubbish.

All right.

I challenge you.

I bet you can't be nice for a week.

Wouldn't want to.

You couldn't? Couldn't.

Right, you're on. How much?

One million pounds. Oh, don't be ridiculous.

If you're going to bet, bet properly.

Ten million pounds.

Done.

Starting now? Starting now.

Hello, darling. Lovely to see you.

I said, lovely to see you.

What are you doing?

Sorry.

Lovely property.

Hardly reminds me of a tart's curtains at all.

Are you all right?

Could it be better? And may I say how well you do your job round here? Your

endeavours bring a warmth to my heart.

Oh, thank you, Diana. That's very nice.

Oh, credit where credit's due. That's what I always say.

No, you don't. You always say, go away, Jane. Throw yourself under a bus.

It's just my little jest.

Underneath, I'm a very nice person.

I think I'd better be off. The world seems to have gone a bit funny on me.

Janey Pops, my little angel of mercy.

Do you have a reason for coming in here, or are you just locked?

Oh, right.

Harvey, Mr Baines.

Such a nice man.

What? Don't ask me to repeat it.

Harvey wondered if you'd like to enter a glamorous Grammy contest.

A what?

It's like a beautiful baby contest, but a bit older.

I'll kill him. Diana, nice.

Will you tell Harvey that I will discuss the subject with him at a later date?

Oh, jolly good.

Bye.

Glamorous granny contest. That is not only sexist, that is ageist as well.

He's really cut his mooring rope this time. I'm going to tie it to his watsit

and swing him round my head.

A delightfully colourful image, but you can't. You must be pleasant for seven

days. I want a suspension.

Quite out of the question. A week of solid niceness or you lose ten million

quid.

Come on.

Take your stick.

And we'll go and spread a little happiness as we go by.

Betty? Yes, Basil?

I've been meaning to ask you something for some time now.

Yes?

I... I love... Yes?

I... You love what?

I love the way you swing your crooky melt.

Good.

There you are.

Betty and Basil the Bonker.

Basil still can't get his proposal out.

Go and be nice to them. Be miscupid.

Simple. They'll be wed by lunch.

We have a great deal in common.

Both like croquet.

Both like sex.

So, I wondered if you would... Yes?

I wondered if you'd do me the honour... Yes.

Hello!

Hi.

Hello, Diana.

Lovely to see you both. My favourite people.

If I didn't know better, I'd think you were smiling.

I am smiling, Basil.

Who's died?

Now...

I have come to help Basil say what he wants to say. What do you mean?

Well, Basil fears rejection.

So you must let him know that his advances won't be rejected.

They never are.

Except Wednesdays when I'm at my sister's.

No, I mean, I know he may not measure up to Jack's standards in certain areas.

What's that?

Who's Jack?

My late husband.

And what are certain areas?

Well, Betty's husband was a well -known athlete.

Not just on the track, by all accounts.

Oh, so I'm not good enough, eh?

Of course you are. At least you're alive.

Oh, thanks a lot. I didn't know you felt like this, Betty.

But I don't. It's just as well I found out now how you feel, rather than when

I've given me all and ended up a burnt -out wreck.

Bloody rude.

Fine top gun round here.

to get him this far, and look what you've done.

I was just trying to be nice. Yes, very nice.

Sitting there grinning like a sphincter.

Sphinx, Betty.

I know what I mean.

What did I say?

Oh, my God.

I've ruined a grand romance.

I told you being nice was a crazy idea.

No, no, no, no.

Keep at it.

Goodness will win in the end.

Now,

be nice to Jenny.

Hello, Jenny.

Lovely to see you.

You talking to me, Diana?

I think you do a wonderful job in here.

You leave me alone. I saw that smile on your face just before you hit the cook.

What's wrong with my smile?

Well, it's like a crack in the walls of hell.

One can smell the sulphur and hear the cries of the damned through your smile.

I'm so glad I asked. Diana.

Here comes your ultimate test.

May I join you?

Delighted. Lovely to see you.

Me? Yes, Harvey. You, you debonair rogue.

Sit your handsome self down and amaze us with the many facets of your winning

personality.

Okay.

And how are you, Tom?

Dry rot.

Jolly good. What?

Dry rot. I've got dry rot.

It's the damp.

It's creeping up my body. It's reached my knees already. I went to Troy this

morning and I wasn't allowed into the wooden horse lest I infected it. And it

collapsed and altered the course of ancient history.

Well, I'm glad I am.

What is it you require of us, you dear darling boy?

What have you done to split up Basil and Bessie?

Nothing at all. A romance.

A wrinkly romance would be very good publicity for this place.

I want those two married and in the brochure. If people think that they can

here, get hitched before they drop in their box, well, we'll have them

by the bus lane.

May I suspend the bet for 30 seconds?

No. Just for a quick throttle?

No.

Diana, no. You see, we need publicity, which is why I wanted to talk to you

about this.

Natalco Process Dairy Foods Limited offers the over -60s the chance to win a

Caribbean cruise for two.

Enter our glamorous granny competition today.

What do you think, eh?

A cup of acid down his trousers.

No.

And what has this to do with me, Harvey?

Well, I'm looking for a Bayview entrance.

And you thought of me.

Well, yes.

Glamorous granny, Diana Crippins. Thank you, Tom. No, no, it's not just about

looks, you know. It's about charm and personality and warmth and... Let's

it.

Natalka Dairy Foods Limited.

That rings a bell. Yes, of course it does, you big ninny. It's the company

idiot son works for.

By Joe, you're absolutely right. Of course.

Harvey, you put Betty down as our glamorous granny contestant.

If she wins the cruise, she can take Basel. They can do their horizontal

tangoing all over the Caribbean.

And all will be well again.

How's that for being nice? Oh.

What if she doesn't win?

She will, Tom.

She will. Oh, wonderful, Diana. Thank you.

It's a pleasure, my swarthy little cherubunkin.

This'll never work. Of course it will.

Sun's so wet, he'll do anything daft.

Come on, Marion.

Open up, you dead slattern.

Hey, you've got to be nice to Marion.

Oh, come on. The bed's off. This is a crisis situation we're in.

No, sirree.

This is the ultimate, ultimate test.

God, what do you want?

The pleasure of your wonderful company, Marion.

Jeffy, your dad's here.

And the bitch from the Black Lagoon.

Red Roll, Black Lagoon.

I'll kill her.

What do you mean?

I'm looking wonderful today.

You look wonderful today.

Rosy cheeks, lovely complexion, and the pink gin matches the colour of your

eyes. You know, when you smile, you look like a dead cat.

Oh, Marion, you bring a flutter of warmth to my wintry heart.

Inspector Pacemaker's on the blink.

What are you up to, Diana?

Just being nice.

Precisely. I feel like a goldfish who's just noticed a shark having a cigarette

on the other side of his bowl.

No, Dad, no.

Quite out of the question. What's going on?

But, Geoffrey...

All you have to do is to have a word with your boss. It's more than my job's

worth. What does he want? He wants me to fix the company's glamorous granny

thing. They want one of the couples at Bayview to win it.

Betty and Basil. Betty and Basil?

What are they, glove puppets?

No, they're a sweet couple who have been rent asunder. A cruise will bring them

back together.

Maybe Diana should enter the competition.

That'll give them all a good laugh.

Diana.

Jeffy, she's going to kill me. Jeffy. Diana.

Robbie didn't.

Grandmother's paper knife.

Diana, ten million quid.

I told you it wouldn't work.

Geoffrey wouldn't say boo to a dead goose.

Well, we've tried the monkey.

Now let's try the organ grinder.

Pick this lad.

Geoffrey, tell me, he's Scottish.

What's your small change?

Still got to be nice, Diana.

I beg your pardon. What did you say? I'm so sorry. Would you like me to talk

slower? I know you're from Glacier. I heard what you said, lassie.

Please, don't call me lassie. I'm not a canine persuasion.

Is this your missus? One of my many missus.

The fairy's got to be quite out of your mind.

The only one who can fix the competition so better can win.

Simple bit of corporate fiddling. I'm sure you do it all the time.

What?

I certainly do not.

Oh, come on. No one would employ his dim -witted son unless they were working

some sort of fiddle.

Geoffrey is one of my best salesmen.

Good grief.

Are the other ones actually living people?

This is a major competition covering half the country. I can't fix it.

Well, could you just make sure that Betty gets into the final? I can't do

either. No way.

Forget it.

Oh, Adrian, why didn't you build a bigger wall?

Just a minute.

What if we provide the premises?

The main hall at Bayview.

Grand sort of place, is it? Oh, yes, very grand.

Greco Waitrose, a positive monument to bad taste. Oh, I'm sure you'll like it,

and Harvey will love the publicity.

And it won't cost anything.

No. Oh, he likes the sound of that.

Tight -fisted barbarian.

Diana.

Nice. Sorry, force of habit.

There. You look really lovely.

I can't believe it. I got a wild card right through to the finals. Well,

a very glamorous granny.

And I'm a very generous Harvey. She's not supposed to know you, thorn -off

little quit.

I thought you were being nice to me. I am. If I'd been being unpleasant, you'd

be picking your teeth out of the wallpaper.

Oh, thank you.

There's just one problem. What?

I'm terribly nervous.

I can't bear speaking in public.

Oh.

you get a cruise for two to the Caribbean.

Fourteen hot, sweaty nights with the basil of your choice.

But I get my nerves.

I won't know what to say.

Oh, don't be so silly. Just say you love little cats and you want to work with

orphans. Be as brainless as you possibly can.

Harvey will know what to say.

Absolutely. There's nothing to worry about, Betty. You just walk tall and

them how much you love living here at Bayview and that their processed cheese

so wonderful.

That you bath in the stars.

You can't bath in cheese, Harvey.

It can always be arranged, Jane.

Hello?

Oh, heck.

Tom?

Cooey?

Oh, he's off again.

I'm slain.

Greek treachery.

Oh, I am slain. No, you're not.

Aren't I?

No, you're back here.

Oh, so I am. Hello, Basil.

Where have you been?

I have been to the court of Agamemnon, chatting up his daughter Helen.

Ah, Bournemouth people, are they?

Basil, you ignorant terrapin.

Just you stick to the sex.

Oh, no.

I've given that up.

Really? Yes, well, there's no point in flogging a dead horse, is there?

No, I've never tried it.

Apparently I'm not good enough for her. Oh, no, no, you've got the wrong end of

the stick. No, I got the message loud and clear.

I'm not within a cooey of her late husband when it comes to the old bedroom

boogie. So I'm packing it in.

This is most alarming.

Yep, my shooting days are over.

I've hung up me gun on the old barn door.

All over for me.

Yes, well, probably for the best.

Oh, yes, this isn't Dodge City, Baz. This is a Bayview retirement home for

almost dead.

We come here not in search of the old rumpy -pumpy Fandango Duda, but to be

quiet, reflective souls assessing our humble lives before trotting up the

to meet our maker.

Sounds incredibly dull and boring.

Well, it is.

It's noddy time here, slowing down, having a doze, and then one day not

waking up and drifting away with a smile on our faces.

Oh, bugger that.

I want to crash out with a smile on me trousers.

That's more like it. I thought for a moment you had lost your wonderful

spirit.

Ah, you cunning old beggar.

So what am I going to do?

Well, we're going to make sure that Betty wins this old granny thing. Then

two can sail off into the sunset to a life of teeming carnality.

But how are we going to make sure she wins?

The same as we always do round here.

Bribery, corruption.

Threats? Blackmail?

Oh, goody. Oh, what fun.

...for our glamorous granny.

And I tell you, you're going to be hard -pushed to pick a winner out of these

little old crackers.

What a band. And now, if you could have our first contestant, Miss No More Great

Ladies Bowling Club, Letty T. Bowler. Oh, letty.

Oh, letty.

Oh, letty.

How did you, uh, how did you get on?

I got half the judges in my pocket.

One of them I managed to bribe with my forged luncheon pants.

And the police chief was a pushover when I rolled up my trouser legs. Oh,

brilliant.

Where's Britt?

Diana and Jane are getting you ready in the kitchen.

Cutting it a bit fine.

Now, all the way from Eastbourne Temple, Hedger's senior glamour granny, Miss

Tara Mead. Good luck, Tara. Big cheers, Tara.

Where is she? She's on next.

Where is she, Jane? She's not coming out.

What? It's her nerves.

She's frozen stiff, just can't move.

We'll talk to her. We can't. She's locked herself in the larder.

But, Basil, you get her out of there. Not me. She gets violent when she's

representing the Bayview Retirement Village, Miss Betty Hardcastle. Do

something, Jane.

Miss Betty Hardcastle.

Oh,

that's it. I give up. I'm going to tell them the old nag's been scratched.

Oh, no, you don't.

Oh, finish.

Is Granny Bayview there?

Out of my way. I'll give them Granny bloody Bayview.

Be nice, old thing.

Emotions recollected in tranquillity.

I've just been running your wondrous performance as Diana the Mad Axe Granny.

I think it'll keep me amused long after my lifetime. In fact, if I'm reborn,

I'll probably pop out still chuckling.

Certain things had to be said. And you certainly said them. How did it go?

Listen to me, you sexist, ageist, emasculated wimps. And then you started

getting a bit abusive.

How dare they, cheating us like bloody novelty items in a fun fair, trying to

buy our dignity with cheap trinkets and packaged holidays.

Oh, dear God, have the intellectual advances of the 20th century made

no impact upon the dull burgers of Bournemouth? They have now.

Band -Aids all round.

And that poor MC.

Oily little twerp. Savaged by a pack of rabid grannies. I can still see his...

Glistening dentures flying through the air, clacking out frantic calls of

distress before being crunched underfoot by the weeping Harvey Bates.

Seems him right.

But, Diana, what was the point of it all?

Basil and Betty will never get their cruise now.

We shall see.

Eh? What have you been up to?

I made sure a journalist was there, taking lots of little notes.

Well, now, if it isn't Raggedy Annie.

And Basil Bogbrush.

Harvey is very upset. Good. I'm more than upset, Jane.

I'm suicidal.

Well, don't let us stand in your way.

Bayview's main hall is a disaster area.

The fire brigade were not amused.

And that comrade Shep is still embarrassingly involved with the Zimmer

If this ever gets out, Bayview will be the laughing stock of the age management

industry. And you as well, Harvey.

Thank you, Jane.

Wheresoever men are gathered together, the name Baines will provoke much

hysteria and much dampening of the upholstery.

And, of course, it will get out.

My little journalist will be writing it up even now. I can just see the

headlines.

Bayview grannies cheesed off.

Well, much as I am totally against all forms of blackmail... Yes?

..for the good of Bayview and Process Cheese, I have been authorised to

negotiate with you. What do you want?

Your head.

On a platter garnished with petit pois, new potatoes and perhaps a little apple

stuck in your mouth.

Harvey didn't come here to be humiliated.

Of course he didn't. We're enjoying it very much.

Harvey, you must make a stand.

You cannot be blackmailed. Tell them to publish and be damned.

What do you care about your silly job when your honour as a gentleman is at

stake?

Like I said, Diana, what do you want? A Caribbean cruise for Baz and Betty.

But she didn't win.

she's still in the larder.

It's a deal. And letters of apology to all the contestants. A really nice

grovel, please, Harvey. You cannot debase yourself so, Harvey.

Just write the letters and shut up, Jane.

Oh, Diana.

What a wonderful day.

Violence, excitement, blood all over the carpet and a moral victory to boot.

What are we going to do now?

Well, I'm off to ancient Athens.

Young Mr. Paris is holding...

A glamorous muse competition.

A golden apple for the winner.

Let me give you a tip, Tom.

Aphrodite by a nose.

Bye! Bye!

Enjoy yourselves!

Well, ten days on a boat should kill them all, Curel.

Wait a minute, Diana.

Haven't you forgotten something?

What? Well, much as I enjoyed your demolition of the glamorous granny

I don't think that it comes under the heading of being nice.

So? So, you still owe me ten million quid.

Will you take any milk bottle tops?

Of course.

I'll get my bag.

Ah, I've only got a dustbin lid.

Have you got change?

Sure.

How wonderful.

She's becoming almost as silly as me.

Welcome to second childhood.

Next stop, Mayor Oblivion.