All language subtitles for Waiting for God s02e05 Tell the Truth

What's the matter?

Wind.

Been at me all night.

It must be yes, it is dead dog stew.

That's better.

That's a done a U -turn.

Thank God for that.

Well, better an empty house than a bad
tenant.

Well, just don't do your evicting in
here.

Dear Miss Trent, how do they know my
name?

Probably looked at the envelope.

Dear Miss Trent, you have probably
already won £2 ,000.

Pig's bum, I have.

Nobody gets anything for nothing, Tom.

Now, if they had said, Dear Miss Trent,
the likelihood of a decrepit old prune

like you winning more than a gnat's
knickers is about ten million to one,

then I might have read further.

I don't suppose they aim their campaigns
at just one particularly perversal bat.

Nasty little people.

In fact, I think we might see the sun
seize over long before we see that kind

honesty in advertising.

Honesty in anything, come to that.

Honesty is the great lost art of our
time.

Now, what on earth does that mean? I
don't know, but it sounded quite good.

It would be nice if we were all honest.

It wouldn't be, but bloody disastrous.

This delicate ramshackle shed of our
existence is only saved from toppling

the cliff of life by the strands and web
of deceit which anchor it to the

crumbling lime.

Would you care to repeat that?

No. But it hopes not.

It's only Monday, and her metaphors are
already wildly out of control.

What I'm saying is that we are brought
up on lies and dishonesty right from the

beginning. What is the first thing that
a child hears?

Oh, what a beautiful baby.

It probably looks like a diseased
tomato.

I was a beautiful baby.

Yes, well, I'm sure they told you that.

Every little boy is told that he's going
to grow up to be something amazing.

Then he spends the rest of his life
trying to work out why he's just a

bit of gormless cannon fodder picking
his nose with a shovel.

Man is the only species that tells fibs.

It's such a pity.

We should all be honest about everything
all the time.

It'd never catch on.

From now on, I'm going to be honest in
everything I say.

It might catch on, and the world will be
a better place, all thanks to Tom

Ballard, explorer and philosopher.

And well -known fruit loop.

You may mock, but just remember, mighty
oaks come from little crab apples.

Bloody old fool.

Oh, my God.

Hello.

Morning, Diana.

Good morning, Diana.

On the good ship, lollipop, it's a quick
trip to the candy shop. What are you

doing? I may not be a very important
person, but I would like to be

as at least existing when I come into a
room.

Jane, when I... I am reading my private
mail in my own private cell. I do not

expect to be assailed by tap -dancing
ding -a -lings.

What do you want?

I'm just doing my rounds.

Oh, you've got a letter?

Yes, from my niece, the Clapham
Strangler, the one who wants to kill me.

She thinks you're the bee's niece.

Well,

she wants to get married.

Oh, so do I.

Oh, isn't that nice?

Oh, Jane, you're stopping so wet.

The lovely Sarah. How wonderful.

Well, she's bringing her intended down
here.

Oh, mustn't it be wonderful to have an
intended?

Da -da, da -da.

Do you, Jane, take this man?

Oh, yes, I do. I do, I do. Da -da, da
-da. Oh, shut up. Oh, I'm sorry. I just

get carried away when there's romance in
the air.

You'll never get married, Jane.

What? Not a chance.

honest at all times. No.

I mean, if ever there was a spinster,
it's you, Jane.

No man in his right mind would even
notice you, let alone take a second

Is that true, Diana? No, Jane, it
certainly is not true. Tom is just

some rather silly psychological party
game.

I am being honest.

Jane, you are never going to get within
a hundred miles of Harvey Bay.

Aren't I?

Not a chance. You must realise that in
the great swimming pool of life, Harvey

Baines is permanently at the shallow
end. Harvey is a man of great depth. He

about as much depth as a puddle in a
drought.

His ideal woman is something that looks
good with his car.

Something that will prop up his well
-justified lack of self -esteem.

A glamorised, sexy doxy.

That's what he wants.

A beauty queen.

A beauty queen?

Yes, he's certainly not going to be
interested in someone who looks like a

leftover from a jumble sale.

out this chappy my niece is so keen on,
but I want you to keep your mouth shut.

None of this onerty claptrap.

It's very hard to waver once you're on
the path to righteousness.

One wrong word and you'll get my stick
up your path to righteousness.

Look, here they come.

Now just, just button your lip.

Hello, auntie.

Don't call me auntie, you revolting
child.

Hello, Tom.

Hello.

You're looking well.

I had a terrible night with my wind.

Oh!

Diana, Tom, I'd like you to meet my
fiancé, Sam Parry.

How do you do, Miss Trent? I've heard so
much about you. You're Sarah's great

hero. She always was a silly child.

Hello, Tom.

Right, come on, let's all go and eat.

You'll find the food quite revolting.

Today, it's cat stew and eyeball soup.

So, what do you do, Sam?

Ah, you mean what are my prospects?

No, no, no, not at all.

If Sarah's chosen you, well, that's fine
by me.

Apart from her occasional attempts to
kill me, I've always found her to be a

very sound judgment, especially since
she gave up running the knocking shops.

What?

Diana thought that running a model
agency was akin to running a brothel.

it's the same business, isn't it? You've
got it, you sell it, you've still got

it.

Enough.

I now have three beauty parlours. Oh.

still pandering to women's weaknesses
and insecurities. She's a sad, twisted

woman, take no notice of her.

A sack full of broken crockery. Thank
you, Tom.

Dead in everything but body.

That's not like you, Tom.

You're usually such a nice man.

I'm still a nice man.

I just happen to be a nice, honest man.

You'll be a nice, honest dead man if you
don't watch it.

What do you do, Sam?

Well, I'm in promotions and property.

Wheeling and dealing, shaving the
percentage.

Commodities, franchises, bit of spec
stuff.

In and out of risk properties. We know
what they say. If it moves, buy, buy,

buy. If it stops, sell, sell, sell.

Isn't he clever?

Clever? I think he's an absolute... Are
you all right?

Fine, fine. Just a spot of wind backing
up the hard way.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Jane, she'd been in an accident.

beauty queen.

Hi, Harvey.

Hi. Yes, hi.

It's such a privilege to be here on this
glorious night in this wonderful place.

Jane, this is the dining room at
lunchtime. Oh, you're so funny.

What's the matter with you?

My hobbies are travel and world theater.

What? For my talent piece, I'd like to
sing my song.

So...

out of your mind.

I really want to work with small
children. And what's the matter with

faith? Has someone hit you with a
hedgehog?

You're absolutely hideous.

Well, I'll see you in my office.

I'm so sorry, but she's a spinster, you
know.

Well done, Tom.

I don't think I could have perpetrated
such a miserably humiliating scene even

on one of my best days.

So much for honesty.

Oh. Well, you can't make an omelette
without cracking a few heads.

I must try it out on Marion.

What ho, Geoffrey.

Lovely to see you.

Hello, Marion.

Is there a crisis, Dad? Life is a
crisis, Geoffrey. But I have the

Follow me.

Did you bring my pills?

I feel a tumour coming on.

Your daughter -in -law bites the heads
off hamsters.

I always thought you were a great joker.

I wasn't joking.

So, what is this wonderful scheme you're
going to tell me about?

Sam's had a brilliant idea.

Oh.

Oh, Jane.

Yes, Harvey?

What can I say, Jane?

What have you like, Harvey?

I know that, Jane.

I mean, what should I say when my
trusted lieutenant goes totally banana?

Maybe you should ask me why I did...

what I want to ask, Jane.

Sorry, Harvey.

Why did you do it, Jane?

Because you like beauty queens.

Who told you that?

Tom did.

Yes, well, my relationship with Miss
Huddersfield Tractors 1973 has got

to do with Tom or you.

Anyway, I don't see what that has to do
with your grotesque charade.

I was trying to be a beauty queen.

You wanted to be a beauty queen?

Oh, Jane, that's very funny.

What were you going to be? Miss Short
and Dumpy?

Or Miss Back End of a Butt?

All these years I thought you had no
sense of humour, but you're the funniest

thing on two little fat legs.

Oh, that's funny. So you were just
putting on a little show to cheer up the

residents. Well, that's wonderful.

Absolutely the right spirit. Just one
thing, Jane.

What? Never do it again.

The idea of you as a beauty queen could
bring on a wave of hysteria -induced

cardiac arrest.

And we don't want the dining room
cluttered up with rattlers and gurglers,

we?

No, Harvey.

And cook always gets so moody when
people snuff it at mealtimes.

Yes, Harvey.

But no more jokes about beauty queens,
OK, Jane?

And you tell Tom to keep his nose out of
my love life, OK?

I'll see you later, beauty queen.

Oh, that's very funny, Jane.

Franchises. Mm, franchises.

Same businesses all over the country.

Oh, you mean like McDonald's and things?
Right.

Sam's going to sell franchises in my
beauty parlour.

Well, where do I come into this? We want
you to run the Bournemouth franchise.

Goodness.

And I thought I was almost dead.

And as Brutus says in Julius Caesar,
Cassius, there is no terror in your

threats, for I am armed so strong in
honesty that they pass me by as the idle

wind.

A quotation that is doubly relevant to
me today, as not only does it support

honesty, but the references to Idle Wind
are somewhat pertinent as well.

And as Juvenal says in his satires,
probitas laudatur et alget,

honesty is praised and starved. So from
now on, I have decided that honesty will

starve no longer. We are all going to be
honest and the world is long.

Being honest, I have to admit, Geoffrey,
that I have been a failure as a father.

Well, I wouldn't say that, Dad. Look at
me.

I am Geoffrey.

And I've been a competent father. I
would have taught you perceptions of

worth that would have made you run 10
,000 leagues rather than marry this pill

-popping packet of razor blades you call
your wife.

Geoffrey! Why my pills?

Could you get to the point, Dad?
Marion's about to jump out of her

To be honest and to go forward, I must
first love myself.

But we are members of the same family,
the same home.

Therefore, you are part of me, so to
love myself, I must love you.

Geoffrey, I love you.

And Marion, I love you. Get him off! Get
him off!

Don't you wish to be honest, Marion?

Yes, I do.

Marvellous. What do you want to say?

I wish you were dead.

Goodbye.

Well, that's a bit depressing.

Well, it's been great, Di.

Really super.

Lots of fun.

So, if you could pop the cheque in the
post, we'll get everything underway.

Check? I'm sorry, what check?

For the franchise purchase.

Five to everyone else, but three to you,
family.

Three hundred?

Wouldn't that be nice, eh?

So, if you could bung us the five grand.

I thought you just said three.

For the franchise.

But then there's the promo budget and
initial leasing fee and equipment.

Does Sarah know about this?

Don't worry, I won't say a word.

We'll call it a little prezzy from us to
her.

Mum's the word, eh?

Child, I... I'm a bit shocked.

My daughter -in -law wishes me dead.

She always has.

Yes, I know, but before, I always
thought she was sort of joking, but she

honestly said she wished me dead.

Told you honesty was a bad idea.

You remove the polite dishonesty from
society and you're going to cop it full

the mush every time.

Yes, but it's not nice to be so
disliked.

What? can I do to win her over?

Shoot yourself?

Thank you, Diana.

I always know I can rely on you to cut
the cobblers and come up with something

totally cynical.

So, what do you think of Sarah and Sam's
little idea?

Scythe house?

Yes.

Running a beauty parlor? Yes.

You? Yes.

Darkest idea I've ever heard of. Yes.

Sarah's chap is a con man.

Well, be honest with us.

But she's in love with him.

What am I supposed to do, go up and say,
Hello, Sarah, your fiancé's a little

sharper. You should be shoved down the
lobby forthwith. Yes.

Break her heart.

Well, he'll only do it later on.

We don't know that.

Women see good in the strangest people.

Dare say Eva Braun thought Hitler was
just a misguided dog lover.

I don't suppose that nice Mrs Genghis
Khan was hanging around just for the

shopping opportunities.

No,

they might be glorious.

I'm seriously happy. I can't interfere.

But you can't run a beauty parlour
either.

No, no, I couldn't. As opposed to run a
place like that, I would need to

identify with the customers.

I'd have to be virtually brain dead.

I'd have to be Marian.

Oh.

By golly.

I think I've got it. I think I've got
it.

Try penicillin.

No, no, no.

The brilliant idea.

Can't you see the light bulb flashing
round my head?

I must dash. Got to get to London.

Don't talk to Sam yet.

God, Tom, you're brilliant.

Take the train, Tom. The stagecoach
doesn't stop here anymore.

Oh, God.

Last hope house.

Diana? Oh, and here comes Miss Final
Garth.

Hello, Jane.

Oh, dear. I was just thinking about you.
Oh, that's, uh...

What do you want? I'm knackered.

I just came to say goodbye.

Goodbye?

That is goodbye forever.

I know that I am going to regret this.

All right, Jane.

Bye. Goodbye forever.

Tom was right.

Tom is never right. Tom can't even say
hello and get it right.

Tom was right about me and Harvey.

I'll never find the Holy Grail here at
Bayview.

Harvey Baines is not the Holy Grail,
Jane.

He's not even a mildly revered tooth
mug.

You only say that because you've not
experienced real passion.

Yes, I have.

I have consumed and been consumed.

I have made the sea boil up the beach.

I have known passion that would kill a
donkey at 500 yards.

So far.

as a younger woman, my romantic life was
confined to rather stilted letters

between me and my Canadian pen pal, Mr.

Chigachgook.

Mr. Chigachgook? He was Eskimo.

Oh.

An Inuit.

No, he was very bright.

Oh, God almighty.

But somehow I never felt the spark of
real romance.

So I returned the bone that he'd sent me
for my nose.

and the midnight sun.

And that's when it happened.

What? Oh, the explosion of my volcano of
passion.

But when? Where?

Here, of course.

Oh, it was like the conversion on the
road to Damascus.

As I plodded up the drive with weary
heart, I looked up, and there he was,

Harvey Baines. He had a sort of aura
around him. He uses a garlic deodorant.

He turned towards me, his Roman nose in
noble profile in the setting sun.

He smiled.

I swooned. He caught me in his arms.

He smiled as he looked down at me with
laughing eyes.

Oh, and then his succulent lips parted.
And in his manly

voice, he uttered those first wonderful
words.

Keep off.

the grass.

Oh, and my heart burst into a thousand
stars.

Oh, Barbara, cut and eat your heart out.

But it would appear my fickle heart has
led me astray.

It was not to be.

My great passion is to go unrequited.

And the man at whose feet I have
prostrated myself.

If only we could collide with another
planet and get it all over with

Hello

Diana What can I do for you

or have you come in for just a bit of
grievous bodily amusement you and I

always seen eye to eye.

We never see eye to eye. Let's be honest
here. Oh, no, please don't. Let's be

honest. Being honest is a very bad idea.
It causes nothing but pain.

To whom?

Well, Jane, for a start.

Jane? What's wrong with her? She's in
fine form.

Didn't you see her splendid charade at
lunch today?

The beauty queen bit.

Very funny. That, you dismal little
earwig, was her last ditch attempt to

your attention.

Oh, really? Yes.

For reasons best known to herself, she
has developed a fixation about you.

Yes, well, you know, these things tend
to happen to a special guy.

Try not to make me sick.

I'm sorry, Diana.

Well, she has found that there is no
response from your good self.

Well, she's not really my type.

That's because she hasn't got a staple
through her navel.

Can we get to the point, please, Diana?

She is very upset.

She is leaving forever.

Leaving?

Precisely. Without her to run this
place, your appalling inadequacies will

revealed immediately.

Oh, my God, what am I going to do?

Well, if I were you, Harvey, I would lie
through my teeth as I have never lied

before.

You want to what, Tom?

I want to be honest with you.

That's a fairly novel idea around here.

Let's give it a try.

Fire away.

You are a bent little weasel who
couldn't lie straight in his own bed.

Sounds fair enough to me.

Really? Oh, yes.

I've been called far worse.

And it doesn't worry you?

No, not at all.

You see, Tom, I can be honest too.

I'm honest enough to admit that I don't
have a single scruple in my entire body

and that I have only two interests in
life, making money and marrying Sarah.

So you do love her?

Oh, totally and utterly.

She's everything I need in my life.

She's good and lovely and she'll no
doubt save me from my unpleasant self.

So I need to make as much as I possibly
can now before I turn into a foggy but

happy bourgeois marshmallow.

So you are open to blackmail?

I'm open to anything underhand and
deviant.

So if I threaten to tell Thera what a
cad you really are in trying to con

out of 5 ,000 pounds, you might get
worried?

I would.

I'd also break your legs.

But I would get worried.

You know something, Sam?

I find your brand of honesty almost
refreshing.

I think we'd better talk turkey.

Gobble, gobble, gobble.

I don't know what to say, Dad. It's so
generous of you.

Marion has always wanted to have a
beauty parlour. And now she's got one.

But how did you pay for the franchise?

I didn't.

I got it by good, honest blackmail.

Well, we're overwhelmed.

And Marion has something to say to you.

Marion?

Thank you.

Sorry, bit deaf.

What did you say?

Thank you.

Oh, that's all right.

Wasn't too painful, was it?

I'm sorry. I said I wished you were
dead.

That's all right.

Don't overdo it.

First day. You don't want to exhaust
yourself.

Well, we'll be off, Dan.

Thanks again.

A kissy, Marion.

A cold.

Bye. Bye, Dan.

Ah, generosity.

The most subtle revenge. The Bible is
right.

Love your enemies.

Drives them insane.

Look!

Despite your chicanery, Sarah and Sam
have invited us to their wedding. Oh,

much are the tickets?

So, how's your wind?

My wind is my business.

Oh, what happened to open honesty?

Oh, well, I don't know. I think perhaps
I'm a bit too old to start a whole new

crusade. I might just read a book
instead.

Oh, I see.

So, having messed up... several lies as
some sort of intellectual experiment.

You're not bored. You're moving on,
leaving the bodies lying around.

Oh, dear.

Is that what I've done?

Hello.

Here comes the main victim of your
callousness.

Hello. How are we all?

Dead.

Jane, Jane, I have something to say to
you.

I was only joking when I said that I
thought you would be the eternal

wallflower. I was thinking of someone
else. It's all right, Tom.

It's all for the best.

It brought things to a head.

Harvey has opened his heart to me.

How revolting.

He's explained about his tendency to
have relationships with brainless

women. They provide an intellectual
challenge.

It all goes back to his mother. She was
very dominating and she forced him into

an early marriage with a completely
unsuitable concert pianist who is a

and has tuberculosis.

And he's in a clinic in Switzerland.

So, of course, divorce is out of the
question.

So, until he's free from her, he said he
feels he can't afford to fall for a

real woman. So he has to dally in
shallow relationships with naked women

like farming equipment.

So, what are you going to do? Buy a
combine harvester?

I'm going to wait for him.

I'm going to see him through this time
of trial, and then, well, who knows?

See you later.

The filthy, rotten, low -down, lying
bounder.

Jane is happy, Tom.

Where on earth did he get a story like
that from?

I can't imagine.

You! You wicked old woman!

That's me.

Give me the gin.

I give up. I really do.

To hell with honesty.

Here's to the devious. Long may they
reign. I'll drink to that.