Original subtitles

Look, please, Diana.

Well, are you going to make your move, or have I got time to bash out a quick

novel? I'm thinking.

Yes, I know. I can hear the terrible crunching of long, rusted gears and the

tired creaking of a machine in pain.

Very poetic.

Oh, God.

If I should die, think only this of me.

I played Tom Ballard chess while busting for a pea.

Well, go then. I don't want to go. I'm just trying to stop my brain from

atrophying while you make your next move.

Ah.

No. Oh, God. Strike him down. Come on, God, right now. Pop, frizzle, pile of

dust. You don't believe in God. I'm getting desperate.

What's the hurry?

At my back, I always hear time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Andrew Marvel.

Was he related to Captain Marvel?

Just make your move or I'll hide your teeth again.

I'm just about to. Keep your knickers in the untwisted position.

Checkmate. What?

Checkmate. You can't do that.

I just did.

You can't do that. I just did.

But that's... We're playing chess. I changed the game.

You lost, Diana.

Why don't you accept the fact that you were outmaneuvered by a vastly superior

mind? What is our overall score in games?

Can't remember.

Diana, 408. Tom, 2.

You are a really nasty loser.

You show me a nice loser and I'll show you a wet, weedy wimp.

Oh, yes.

Yes, yes.

The weakest goes to the wall.

Stand back, here comes Diana in her chariot.

To be gracious in defeat means that you are a person of nobility and

sensitivity. It means that you are a loser.

You've lost, Diana.

You lose everything these days. What do you mean?

Well, where are your car keys?

Oh.

What do you mean, my car keys? I haven't got a car.

Lost that too, have you?

You lose everything these days. I do not. What about your croquis mallet?

It was stolen.

And your last four walking sticks?

All stolen.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, I'm sure.

Hot walking sticks are big business round here.

I expect to whip them off down a back alley, strip them down, change the

numbers and flog them in Italy.

What point are you trying to make? The point I'm trying to make is that you are

getting absent -minded. The feeble fingers of senility are tugging at your

Dear God, I am not getting absent -minded.

Yesterday we went to Ray Wood's funeral.

Who wore brightest yellow and asked which side the bride's family were

Sometimes I just get a bit preoccupied. It's because my brain is still working

at full speed and my body takes a couple of days to catch up. Well, I'm not

inviting you to my funeral. A cranky canary hopping all over my coffin.

Hello.

Goodbye.

Morning.

Diana, here's your walking stick.

He left it in Betty Harker.

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.

And how are we today?

I'm dead. Me too.

Jolly good.

I want to see you've been playing that thingy.

Oh, I could never get the hang of that myself.

I always seem to get Mrs Purple doing it in the drawing room with a candlestick.

Jane, what do you want? I can't believe you just came here to flaunt your

appalling ignorance.

Just checking you were coming in to lunch today. Oh, certainly I am.

am. Don't intend starving to death. Far from her to be poisoned.

To talk to everyone.

He has a matter of great importance to discuss.

What? I'm afraid it's a black day for Bayview.

Please be there.

What is our beloved Fuhrer up to this time?

Probably wants to cut the food rations.

Double the guard.

Bring in more dogs.

It's definitely time to break out and head for Switzerland. Oh, no, not now,

Tom. Dickie, Johnny, Ginger, Nobby.

Get the escape committee together. We're tunneling.

Not cold, it's again.

All that bloody sand down his trousers.

They want to know what it's all about.

Don't you worry. I will shortly reveal all.

That should give him a good laugh.

Ah, Betty.

Why did you steal my stick?

Oh, Diana, I never did such a thing. Well, it was found in your place.

You let... it there when you came to tea. I did not. You did, too. I was

Basil, when I want your opinion, I'll pull your chain.

Don't you be mean to Betty.

Thank you, Basil.

Basil's at it again.

Now, Betty's got the hots for him.

Half -steady, the raffia -maffia call him. Grand old sod.

Now, now, if I could just have your full... Attention for a moment, please.

What's on the menu today?

Wednesday ferret droppings.

Excuse me, just a little bit of hush, please.

Excuse me.

James.

Quiet!

Sorry, Harvey would like to have a little word. Because he can't manage a

word. Thank you, Diana. This is a serious matter, so if I could have your

attention with no interruption.

Is it about the contraceptive machine in the James family?

It is not.

There is no such machine, Basil.

Precisely.

It's a disgrace.

It's a four -mile walk to the nearest chemist.

And by the time you've been there and back, you can't remember what you went

for.

And the other party's probably dead anyway.

Quiet!

Yes, let the idiot have his say. Let the idiot have his say. Thank you, Jane.

Now, I want to talk about... about honesty.

Honesty? You?

Don't be ridiculous.

I want to talk about stealing.

Oh, jolly good. Stealing.

I went to Norway once.

Oh, what's that got to do with anything?

Nothing at all. I'm just telling you I went to Norway.

Thank you, Tom.

Now, I'm sorry to report that some stealing has been going on here at

It's very cold in Norway.

Oh, for God's sake, don't talk about Norway. What's been stolen, Halfwit?

Well, a string of pearls, for starters.

Don't worry, Harvey, you haven't got the complexion for pearls.

Try some flashy gold medallions, they'd be very you.

They weren't my pearls. They belonged to Betty Hardcastle here.

They came from my great -grandmother. Oh?

Yes, and Betty's also reported stolen a brooch, a diamond ring and 15

crucifixes. 15 crucifixes.

Dear God, what did they get up to in there?

As you can see, we're in the middle of a crime wave here.

So what should I do, eh?

It's time!

Yes, it's very funny.

Now, I'm going to give the guilty parties till the end of the week to put

things back, and no more will be said.

Failing that, I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the police.

He is treating us like naughty children again. I'm going to slit his throat.

Maybe I should get in touch with my old chum, Hercule Poirot.

Unless he's still on that train.

So a bit stupid is Belgium.

What's wrong with Belgium?

You name me one famous Belgian.

Well, um... Oh, that's true.

Then there's Inspector Morse.

And that female detective, Jemima... Puddle Duck?

That's the one.

I don't think this is going to be solved by our ransacking popular literature,

Tom. I think we're going to have to do this ourselves.

Oh, what a wonderful idea.

A bit of sleuthing.

Pity we haven't got a body.

It's always better when you have a body.

Times of death, whiffs of cyanide, butlers.

Tom. Yes? Shut up. We haven't even got a crime.

Of course we have. That jewel job at Betty's place.

No, don't be so dark. She just lost them.

It's all that sex.

What's that?

The woman is befuddled. Old hot rod Basil has obviously thrown some switch

Betty's gone rocketing off into some hormonal hyperspace.

It's all right.

The same thing happened with me and Greta Garbo. I unleashed such elemental

forces within her, she couldn't cope with life after me.

Became a recluse.

It's tough when you have the power.

Even in the dark caves of doddering senility, the masculine ego comes

out of the climb for one last feeble hurrah.

What's your plan, then? Well, we question Betty, retrace her steps and

loot. before that idiot Baines calls the local plodding, and we all end up with

false confessions, broken ribs, pulped kidneys, shattered teeth, gouged

eyeballs, and long lingering deaths in Broadmoor. Oh, such a cheery soul.

Where was the jewel box, Getty? There, on the shelf.

Well, it's not there now. Well, of course it's not there now. If it was

we wouldn't be here.

And are we here? Yes.

Therefore, it is not there. Right.

I rest my case.

I wish to be elsewhere.

So, uh, we know that the box has been stolen?

No. We know the box has gone missing.

The concept of theft is mere speculation and surmise.

So what did it do, evaporate? Oh, no, it may have been mislaid. Well, it wasn't.

No, of course it wasn't.

You know Basil. You hardly know which way is up unless it's lying down.

All you ever want is peck, peck, peck. It's not true.

Basil also likes tea and conversation.

Slowing up, are you, Baz? I need the sugar.

I'm not 65 anymore, you know.

Another 15 years and I'm packing it in.

Betty, what visitors have you had apart from Mr.

Machismo here?

Only Jane.

Right, we'll check on her later. How about relatives?

No, my relatives never come anymore. They don't understand about Basil and

They don't think it's nice.

I keep telling them it's very nice, but they don't think that's nice either.

I got the same treatment from my lot when I moved Brigitte Bardot into the

room. Thank you, Tom.

Betty, any other visitors?

Only you and Harvey Baines.

Harvey Baines would hardly threaten himself with the police. He's not that

stupid.

Then again... It's all right, Tom.

Oh, by the way, what's the time?

Oh.

Why don't you go and lie down, Basil?

Oh, have 20 minutes passed already?

Oh, righty -ho.

See you in a jiff.

What's going on?

Well, don't let me keep you.

I don't believe this. Betty, we are trying to find your jewels.

Yes, well...

You know what they say.

Diamonds are forever, but battle's only for about five minutes, and I don't want

to make it.

This place is falling apart.

What are we going to do now?

Round up the usual suspect.

Why are you staring at me?

You'd better come clean, young woman.

I'm always clean.

Tom, just leave this to me. Now, Jane, we are investigating the crime ripple

that has disturbed the placid surface of our boring backwater.

You what?

It was the crucifixes, wasn't it?

Tom! Admit it.

You've always wanted to be a nun.

You thought by collecting 15 crucifixes, you might get in for free.

You might not be a bastard, but you've done it.

Pretty good, eh?

Tom, Jane is not a suspect.

Oh, thank goodness for that.

Jane, we just want to know if you've noticed anything suspicious about

behaviour lately.

How do you mean?

Well, we don't think the jewels were stolen. We think she just put them

somewhere and then forgot about it.

Jane, I'm usually absent -minded. She's not usually swinging from the rafters

with a geriatric pistolero.

Do you remember, Lord?

Precisely. Anyone who sees him as a pre -epic god has got to have their marble

furiously adrift.

That could lead to all sorts of strange behaviour.

Well, she's been buying him a lot of presents recently.

Mostly humorous underwear.

But also some silk shirts.

Purple. They'd be expensive.

Where does she get the cash?

I don't know.

She's not that wealthy.

Thought as much.

She's pawned them.

How can we prove that?

Well, follow up.

You mean, put a tail on her?

Brilliant.

I'm a master of disguise.

Oh, dear God.

Dad?

Oh, Geoffrey.

Marry her, my dear.

I told you it was him.

Let me get out. What are you doing, Dad?

A left -handed gardener with a copper trowel, wearing

high -heeled shoes, working at your place.

I'll ring for an ambulance.

Dad? I'm following a suspect.

Must away before the opium wears off.

In the good old days, they just bunged them in an asylum.

Not now. Oh, no.

Now they're pushed out into the community.

And the high streets are crawling with old loopies.

Do take a pill, dear.

Hello, Geoffrey.

Shouldn't you have your wife on a lead?

This isn't a pawn shop.

Just keep watching.

Good grief, did you see that?

What?

She's a master criminal.

She's a daffy old duck. Come on.

Oh, my God.

She's been spotted.

Quick, get after her. If she goes out the shop with that lot, she'll be

Teddy, give me that.

Excuse me, sir.

Oh, God.

I can explain.

Would you mind coming to the office, please?

Why, no. Why not?

How long has it gone?

Somebody's just taken Dad away.

That's a good idea.

Holmes, is that so?

That's right.

S. Holmes.

S. as in Sherlock.

We do always prosecute, sir. The police have been called.

Will it be Mr. Dickson?

Why don't you make it easy on yourself and give me the details?

Name? Well, I don't know.

I've never met you before.

Your name, sir, not mine.

What is yours?

It's Fraser, Ben Fraser. Now, if I could have yours.

Ben, are you all right?

Hello, old thing. Yes, meet my new young friend, Ben Fraser. And who are you,

sir? Don't say a word, Tom.

You're allowed to remain silent and you're allowed to make one phone call.

Well, how can I make a phone call and remain silent?

Just slam up. Leave it to me.

Now, what is the charge? I don't do the charging, madam. I've called the police.

They do the charging. So nothing's settled yet? Right.

Well, you know that you've got the wrong person.

Tom didn't mastermind this shrimp paste heist.

He was framed.

That's enough, Diana.

I was not framed. But it was Betty.

Enough!

I am the guilty party.

I take responsibility and am prepared to accept the full penalty of the law as

meted out by the Revolutionary Tribunal.

Tom.

Tom, this is not a tale of two cities.

It is not a par -par -better thing you do now. This is a bloody dark thing you

do now.

I am a gentleman, Diana.

You are a pillock. Tom.

If you can see he's daft as a brush, just let him go and we'll be away from

here. I'm sorry, madam. It's out of my hand. Why?

Go on. Tell me why.

Policy. Oh, policy.

To persecute the elderly?

To prosecute shoplifters.

What did you do before you worked here?

I was a student at the poly.

Oh, very nice. Work and play hard, did you? Yes. Nobody tried to kill you?

No. You were lucky, weren't you?

When Tom was student age, people tried to kill him every day.

He was in North Africa.

Don't know whether you've heard of it.

Dusty place, full of men and tanks blasting the crap out of each other.

Now, you see that star?

He got that from a 9mm bullet while defending a set of ideals that would

you to go to your damn poly and have a good life.

And how do you thank him?

By becoming some sort of automaton that does everything by the book because you

are too young, too stupid and too heartless to make a decent decision off

own bat.

That's my appendix scar. Shut up.

If you let people steal other people's property, where will it end?

He didn't fight for people to go around thieving, did he? He's got a point,

Diana. Just leave this to me, Tom.

Ben.

Ben.

This is the first time Tom has ever done anything wrong in his entire life.

He has never even crossed a street against a red light.

Crime is not in his make -up.

He is the most harmless, boring person in the whole world.

That's not what Gene Harlow said.

I robbed Wells Fargo for Gene Harlow.

And he has but a tenuous grasp on reality.

Now, one shock to that delicate system.

could send him tumbling back into an appalling world of B -movies, from

he might never return.

He'll only get a fine. Yes, but he will have to go to court.

Oh, I'd enjoy that.

Irrelevant, immaterial, ridiculous, Your Honour. I demand that be struck from

the record.

The man is obviously a brutal killer.

I rest my case.

I'm sorry.

But there can't be one law for the young and another for the old. That's true.

You'd hate that, Diana. Age discrimination, be it in our favour or

We can't be patronised.

How about a large bribe? Sorry.

Oh, no.

Oh, shut up, Betty and Scarpa.

I've come to confess.

Oh, quiet, Betty and Skedaddle.

That's my bag.

I did the stealing. Tom here was only trying to stop me.

Nonsense!

I'm the only master criminal around here.

It's a pair of cop guns.

I can do my porridge.

What's he all about?

He thinks he's a member of the Lavender Hill mob.

Don't listen to him. It was me.

I'm always doing it. I don't realise until I get home.

Sometimes I just can't get my thoughts together.

You see, Ben, do you want to persecute this delicate human machine which is

obviously on the blink?

Dear God, you'll be arresting us for having cold next.

I'm sorry, madam. I'm going to have to let the police sort this one out. What

are you doing with my father?

And which one's your father, sir?

Well... Out of the three of us, which one do you think merits the title?

Damned if I can work it out.

Sorry, I'm getting a bit confused here. Who are you, sir? I'm his son.

And I'm his wife. Is this your wife, sir?

God forbid.

That's his wife.

Her hobbies are valium gin and strangling tadpoles.

I want to know what's going on. Your father's been apprehended shoplifting.

Dad, is this true?

Afraid so, Geoffrey.

I only did it so I could pay for your little sister's heart operation.

What's wrong with her heart?

I haven't got a little sister.

Does it mean he'll go to jail?

Doubt it, madam.

I want him released at once.

I can't do that, sir. But he's an old man.

We have already been through all that.

I refuse to be released on the grounds of age.

Jack the Ripper would be in his 140s by now.

If they find him tomorrow, do you think he should be released because of his

age? Certainly not.

I demand my right to plead my case. I want the jury.

And should the verdict of the people go against me, I shall face that last dawn.

I shall walk that final corridor.

I shall look the hangman in the eye like a man.

Oh,

here's Harvey now.

He looks as if he's all right.

Oh, what a pity.

Oh, Jenny, it's a black, black day for Bayview.

Very black.

Oh, I didn't mean black as in the colour black.

I mean, black as in grey.

Not that you're grey.

I mean, it's a grey, grey day for Blackview. Bayview!

Oh, dear.

Oh, Harvey, thank God you're back.

Well, all I can say is it's a black day for Bayview.

No, it isn't. I don't pay you to sit around, Jenny. Come on, get me some

Oh, yes, I'm bought. Sure thing, Mr. Bailey. I get the coffee, I get the

and the coconuts. Lord, I... working on them railroads.

Fraps.

What's the matter with her?

Oh, never mind.

How did you get on? Oh, when I got to the police station, the place was in

uproar. Tom thought he was Mark Antony. The daughter -in -law was trying to get

him a life sentence.

And Diana had the death sergeant in her headlock.

Do you think they'll be all right?

Oh, I should think so. The police are a tough lot.

No, I mean our people.

Well, they're even tougher.

I like to machine gun the lot of them.

Oh, Harvey, that's not very caring.

I care for my job, Jane.

If the board hear that I've let half the residents get banged up in the local

slammer, they just might begin to have the odd doubt about my competence.

I'll stand by you, Harvey.

Not that close, Jane. Sorry.

Of course, Betty will have to go.

Oh, Harvey, no.

One cannot stay here if one has a criminal record.

Harvey, let he who has no sin cast the first stone.

What are you gibbering on about?

Didn't you have a spot of legal trouble, one?

If you are referring to my little disagreement with the inland revenue

couple of tiny, tiny figures... Zeros, Harvey.

Three of them.

What exactly are you getting at?

I'm sorry, but I feel I have to be your moral guide at the moment.

I'd hate the board to hear of your little irregularities.

I see.

I see.

Well, as it happened, I had already decided on a course of mercy and

understanding towards Betty.

Oh, Harvey, I knew you were a real Christian.

Oh, I am, Jane.

I am.

The police are hopeless. They don't know how to do it at all these days.

It was most disappointing.

No fingerprinting, no mug shots, no line -ups, and they were so pleasant and

polite. What's wrong with that?

Well, there should have been some brutality. I should have been stripped

thrown into a urine -stinking cell full of footpads and cutthroats.

all wanting to slit me gizzard in switchblade jewels.

Yes, they just don't watch the right movies.

Well, I'll fix them tomorrow.

What's that?

The complete works of Perry Mason.

Oh, Tom, I wish you'd just get a barrister to plead guilty on your

way you wouldn't have to go to court, just pay a small fine.

That's not like you, Diana.

You like a good fight. Yes, when I'm doing the fighting.

I just know that if you conduct your own defence, you'll end up getting 90

years. And then what will you do?

The same as I always do.

Get hold of Dickie and Johnny and tunnel out.

As I am not only the defendant, but also my defending counsel, what do you think

I should wear?

How about wig, gown and ankle chains?

You're not taking this seriously, Diana.

All right.

Get yourself a sign saying, have mercy, I'm a loony.

I thought I should wear my dark grey.

That'll stun them.

Do you think they'll notice the lack of buttons?

Only if you attempt to do them up.

I'd better go and sew them back on. Uh -uh -uh -uh. Give it to me.

Oh, I couldn't do that. That would be sexist.

If you recall, Tom, the last time you attempted to sew buttons on your

we spent three hours at the hospital and you were offered serious counselling by

the local rabbi.

I shall go and get my sewing box.

You lost your sewing box.

I borrowed Betty's.

You borrowed Betty's?

You borrowed Betty's?

Diana!

Silly old bat!

I can't believe they went ahead with the prosecution.

We live in a stupid and ignorant society, Jane.

No one is capable of moral division, so they have to make laws that preclude the

necessity of thinking for themselves.

Without laws, there would be anarchy.

What's wrong with anarchy?

If you haven't tried it, don't knock it.

Oh, my God, here comes our own little sexual anarchism.

Morning, Basil.

The voting shirt.

Jury is still out?

Yes, the judge has retired to his chamber. Tom's speech from the dock gave

migraine. I bet he.

She nicked his gavel.

Ah, here they come.

How are you, old stick?

Pretty pissed off, actually.

So what did you get? I got off on a shoplifting charge.

Well done.

But they fined me 50 pounds for contempt of court.

Well done.

Bloody moron.