Original subtitles

That could keep the mad Huns and the Yellow Hordes at bay.

Not to mention daft old goats called Tom.

Harvey says that wall has got to go, Diana.

If you do not take it down voluntarily, he will, er... What? Come and huff and

puff and blow my wall down?

Invoke the structural alterations to premises without prior consultation with

the management, the board and the planning committee clause in your

residency.

Well, you just tell little Harvey that if just one millimetre of his smallest

toenail comes across my doorstep, he will be the happy recipient of a ten

-megaton exploding suppository. Goodbye.

Donna, please. That wall stays until Tom apologises for asking me to shuck up

with him in order to save money. Did you make that clear to him?

Well, I tried, but he just said you were being more bloody -minded than usual.

He said you were like a mad snake.

eating itself from the tail upwards.

I can't see how that would work myself.

And then Daisy Williams came along and dragged him off.

What's that little Dresden Hitler up to?

Well, she's got Harvey round her little finger. And Tom too, by the sound of it.

Oh, I don't think anyone could come between you and Tom.

What? Oh, you needn't be jealous of her, Diana.

Jealous? Me?

I'm not jealous.

I have never been jealous.

I would never tolerate an emotion based on the wayward and fickle affections of

a mere man.

I don't believe you, Diana.

Naughty, naughty, fibby, fibby.

Bogeyman will get you up and up.

Beam her up, Scotty.

You can't fool me, Diana.

I am also a woman.

Really? Listen,

Jane, just because you cull your entire emotional life from the drifting...

handy -floss guff of the latest mills and boon does not mean that everyone

I happen to be a self -contained unit. I do not need a man about the place,

particularly not a bumbling old golf bag like Tom.

Why not?

Last year, we only lost 200 pounds. This year, we really put our backs into it.

We could bankrupt the place.

That's right. Put it down there.

Just a minute.

Oh, you really are very clumsy, Jane.

Do straighten up, Jane.

This is a jolly good idea, Daisy. Well, of course it is. I've run a few messes

in my time, and my motto was always mucking and tucking all chaps together.

None of this individual table nonsense.

The team that eats together wins, rather.

Isn't that so, Tom? What do they win?

Wars, of course.

And I want to make you my second -in -command.

Oh, really?

What would my rank be?

Well, I wouldn't dream of working with anyone below a full colonel. Colonel,

Colonel Tom. Yes, that sounds very right.

Colonel Tom.

Ready to go over the top, sir.

You've been over the top for years.

Now, everyone will have to sit together.

That's Diana's table. I'm not sure this will meet with everyone's approval.

Of course it will, Tom. It's just what we've always needed round here. A bit of

uniformity, strict meal times, any one menu. Save a fortune in food and

overtime. Oh, for goodness sake, Jane.

Sorry, Harvey. Come along, Colonel Tom. We have lots to do.

Now, what we need is more recreation.

Yes. Organised. I want you to rustle up a few medicine balls.

Medicine balls?

I don't know what Diana will say.

There's going to be blood all over the walls.

Oh.

What do you want?

I don't want anything.

I was just saying, um... I can't remember.

You want to apologise?

Do I? What for?

For being rude to me.

You mean, asking you to share your life with me?

What was your life you were asking me to share with your rent?

You asked me to shack up with you.

If I was some sort of itinerant teenage flatterer. Oh, it was just an

expression. It was an attitude, Tom.

You have so little regard for my feelings or me that you thought you

me some sort of moldy old bone and I'd think it was bloody Christmas.

What do you want?

Marriage?

I used to be an accountant, you know.

Economy comes as naturally to me as being a vicious old prune comes to you.

I didn't know you were going to have a fit about it.

Jane Russell and Beatty Bardot were quite happy to share their costs with

wasn't all hot passion, you know. Oh, no.

At the end of the day, we still had to tot up our chitties.

share with me. There must be somebody around here with a bit of common sense.

So, that's the programme, chaps. More togetherness, more planning, more

organisation, so that we can all rattle along as one big happy family. Any

questions, observations, ideas?

Daisy... Not now, Basil.

Jolly good, so that's a good one.

Now, we shall need a coordinator of activities.

Tom? Oh, I nominate you. Is that right?

Jane? I think I hear the phone.

Jenny, get my table out from under there and put it in its usual place, please.

Hello, Miss Trent.

Go on, Jenny, get it up.

I'm afraid the tables stay where they are.

I beg your pardon?

It's all part of the new order, my dear.

We are all agreed that it is much more conducive to good morale if we all sit

together and talk together at mealtimes.

And do we all sing the horse? vessel song before pudding.

Yes, well, that is the sort of remark one might expect from a communist.

Ah!

Tom?

I don't believe we are talking to each other, Diana.

I see.

And you are all in agreement with this, are you?

Basil?

Unanimous. Now do sit down, friend.

When I want to break bread with a bunch of headless chickens and a goose,

Stepping turkey, I'll let you know.

Yes.

Well, there is always one.

Never mind.

She'll come round. They always do when they see that my way is the best.

Besides, now that we're all united, there isn't much choice.

Is there, Tom?

Uh, no.

Absolutely.

Jane? Yes.

And Colonel Tom?

Right, off we go.

What on earth

is going on?

Daisy Williams wants to make everyone fit.

She'll kill them all.

Counting on.

What's Tom doing?

Oh, he's a colonel now. Says he's going to take to Brooke before tea time.

How does one go about resigning from the human race?

What inebriates?

The sweet goo that kept the Empire stuck together.

Who said that?

I did, just now.

I suppose you put that up to keep out that dreadful Trent woman.

Oh, she's all right.

No, she is not, Tom.

Believe me, I know the type.

Fifth columnist.

It was people like her, free thinkers that locked up the Empire.

No team spirit.

She does not care.

She can't stand her fellow man.

Precisely.

There have got to be a lot of changes round here if I'm going to stay.

There's far too much isolation in this place.

I think there should be more communal living.

Shared kitchens, shared living areas.

Economies of scale.

Just what I was saying to Diana.

Of course, Harvey Baines will have to go.

Harvey? Oh, yes, hopeless incompetent. And that... flimsy fish Jane.

Jane?

No place for waverers in our new world, Tom.

Oh.

I shall put in a report to the shareholders.

Do you know any shareholders?

My son and daughter -in -law seem to have a stake in the place.

Good. We'll get on to them. Soon have the waverers packing their bags.

Oh, but Davy, you shouldn't throw the bath out with a water baby.

What is it? I was just about to belt Betty's balls clean over the fence.

He's doing what?

Ah, well... Now then, Betty, last year you were working the candy floss

Yes, not very successfully, as I recall. Lady Mara, totally covered in huge

globs of pink slime.

Purple tickets this year, I think. Now, Basil. Diana. You had yourself down as

wanting to lead the Red Arrows in a formation flight path.

Try not to be loony, Basil. One loony round here is quite enough.

Diana. Now, you will run the bite the apple in the bowl of water, and this

teeth must be kept in the mouth.

Diana. What?

It's all done.

What is?

Stall allocation.

Betty's on pink elephants.

White elephants.

And I'm on donkey rides.

And who has done this allocating?

Daisy Williams.

I see.

Tears before bedtime.

Just not quite sure whose.

She'd what?

She's planning on having you removed.

And me.

Never mind you, Jane. Just stick to the important bit. How is she planning to

have me removed?

Well, she's going to prove to the board and the shareholders that you are

incompetent. Well, how on earth could she do that?

Don't answer that question, Jane.

Well, well, little Miss Daisy.

Little Miss Daisy wouldn't melt butter in my mouth, Miss Daisy. You poisonous

little witch!

I've been so nice to her, Jane.

Oh, you have, Harvey.

Well, you're nice to everyone.

Is Diana Trent behind this? Is she, Jane? Is she? Is she? I knew she was.

She's behind everything.

She's in all my worst nightmares.

Must be her. It's always her. It's not her.

It could be Tom, though. Tom without Diana? I doubt it, Jane.

Tom couldn't find his own nose without a guide dog.

taking Diana's place.

She seems to be as guiding like now, and she's just as tough as Diana.

Oh, God, I can't have two warrior women crashing round the place. One of them

will have to go. Which one?

I don't know. What a choice. If you get rid of Lucretia Borgia, you're still

left with Ivana the Terrible.

This Daisy Williams really seems to be on the ball, Dad.

Oh, she is. I mean, this is just an interim report on the way she thinks

should be restructured around here. I must say...

She's jolly impressive.

Oh, she is very impressive.

We think she's what you might call a good influence.

Not like that child -eater next door.

No, no, she's not like Diana, I must say.

And if your snakeskin won't move in with you, then maybe Daisy will.

You can set a trend.

Get them all sharing, then we can cut the cost, squeeze in more of them, and

last turn a bit of a profit.

What do you say?

May I share? Go to your car.

Got another appointment, have you, Dad? No, Geoffrey, I just feel one of my must

-strangle Marion fits coming on.

Oh, you're a funny old possum, aren't you?

Well, bye -bye, Tom.

Oh, do leave the door open. It's awfully whiffy in here.

Geoffrey? There are poisons, you know, which are almost untraceable. Yeah,

you, Dad. Now, don't let Davy clip through your fingers. She's a top sort,

Right, Jenny.

Here are this week's menus.

Pass them on to Chef for me.

There's Yorkshire pudding every other day.

Yes, that's right.

And bangers and mash and mutton stew.

All good English food.

I never could see the point of that French fiddle faddle that's creeping in

over the place.

Well, go on. Off you go.

Hello.

Do you know what the French say about our cooking?

I'm sure I don't. The English have a hundred different religions, but only

source.

Yes, well, it was probably remarks like that that started the Hundred Years'

War. Which we lost.

For the moment.

Did you want something?

Yes.

What are your intentions towards Tom Ballard?

I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that.

Standing too close to the guns.

Sorry? I said, what do you feel about Tom?

What is that to you?

When you pension off your old cart horse, you want to make sure that he has

comfy pasture and a bag of oats.

You're calling me a bag of oats. Well, you're certainly not a comfy pasture.

Does this mean that you are thinking of leaving?

Well, one of us has to.

Not necessarily.

All you have to do is pull with the team, be a decent member of the

As I said, one of us has to.

I see.

Well, who knows what the future may hold, but I think you may rest assured

that... that the British officer knows how to care for his men.

Well, I suppose that'll have to do.

Oh, by the way, he gets very bad sciatica during the winter, all down his

leg. And it's also his Mount Everest climbing season, so make sure he doesn't

sit on the roof too long when it's snowing.

It's reported treachery, Jane.

She says I'm a totally unnecessary person.

Do you want to get rid of me, too?

If this gets back to the board, I could be in real trouble. And I don't want to

lose my job.

Me, too.

Will you stop being so self -centred, Jane?

Go on, Harvey.

We're going to have to get Diana on our side. Oh, God, I'm going to have to be

nice to her.

How do I look, Jane?

Gorgeous, Harvey.

Oh, Diana!

How totally, fantastically wonderful to see you. Shut up.

The reason you've got your office up here is so that half of us can't get at

you.

Oh, I do love your little jest, Diana. And I must say, you are looking smashing

today. I bet all the local Don Juans are hanging round your door, eh? You're

gibbering, Harvey.

Thank you, Diana.

And you smell of fear and cheap aftershave.

It wasn't cheap.

I mean... Smell of fear?

No doubt comes from this.

You know about this?

Not a leaf.

Falls. Yes, and I suppose you're right behind it. No, not at all.

So you'll help us bury it?

Get this daisy person on her bike?

Nope. What?

N -O, no.

But I don't understand.

What part of the word no do you not understand?

But why not?

Because of Tom.

Tom?

Well, he needs someone in his life or he tends to fall apart.

and I'm obviously not the right person, but I'm sure Mrs Williams has strength

enough for both of them, I would not stand in their way.

Oh, how wonderful.

Oh, you really are a Christian person.

Oh, shut up, dear.

You mean you'd give in, leave, just so as old Tom can have a bit of happiness?

I probably would.

Good grief, you really are a balmy old coot, aren't you?

Tom, you know you're the biggest wally ever to draw breath, don't you?

Have they put you on new pills, Basil?

In fact, I think you may be the most stupid man I've ever met.

And I was in the army for ten years.

What have I done?

You have let Daisy Williams put you in blinkers and drag you round by the nose.

You deserve to have your ears boxed. I'd do it myself if I wasn't so knackered

with being the local Casanova.

You're not being a touch rude, are you, Basil?

I hope so.

Diana may be one of the most malevolent old crabs to crawl up the beach, but at

least she's not one of these half -pint sergeant majors trying to get us to

invade Germany every 20 minutes.

Are you trying to tell me something, Basil?

Ahoy, there!

Anyone aboard?

Go away, Tom.

What, Holmes?

What are you doing in here?

You belong over there.

I've come to take you to lunch.

I'm lunching here.

No, you're not. You're lunching in the dining room.

I have no desire to mess with the boys whilst being harangued by that short

Genghis Khan.

Do it for me. I've already done quite enough for you, Tom. Go away.

It's important to my future.

You mean, if I can't be brought to heel, you'll lose face in the eyes of your

daisy love?

Maybe.

Pathetic.

Pathomastic.

Now, I am thinking of putting up a sort of daily roster and...

A positive thought for the day, every morning.

Okay? Do speak up if you don't agree.

Uh, Daisy... Not now, Basil. Good, so that's me.

The new company notice board will be in the corridor, out there.

Oh, hello there.

Hello, Colonel.

And welcome, Diana.

How nice to see you in the dining room again. May we assume from your presence

here that you have decided to join us? in the new order of things.

You may.

Well, I'll be jiggered.

How splendid.

Do come and sit at your place.

It has not been reallocated yet.

Your rightful place.

Hold it.

Step aside, please.

Tom?

Thank you, Tom.

Sorry,

old thing.

But you see, the people here, well, they're here because they have survived,

just because they're old, but because they have been made with the right

Independence, self -reliance, being an individual.

There's a time and place for armies and teams and pulling together, and over the

years, I'm sure they've all done that.

But this is their time now. Our time. Not a time to be bullied or dragooned,

a time to enjoy.

A time to reflect.

A time to smile.

Ha -ha!

Where did you get that bloody awful speech from?

From nowhere. I just said it.

But Jimmy Stewart said it first.

No, he did not.

I thought you were rather taken with her.

No, I was swept along by her.

For your worth.

Well, I wasn't. No, but you're not a normal human being.

Appeals to your community spirit might just as well be addressed in Urdu to an

emu for all the effect they're going to have.

Appeals to jingoistic spirits.

Forming teams that desire to inflict your views on all around you.

Fascism, Tom.

Oh, patriotism.

It's a fine line.

Yeah.

So, what is happening to Daisy?

She thinks you're all a pack of dinkos, and she's going back to Aldershot, to

the El Alamein retirement home.

I shall miss her. I was looking forward to a good punch -up. Yes.

Why didn't you? We were all expecting you to come out fighting.

Why did you let her off so easily?

Why?

Oh, maybe I'm getting a bit old, Tom.

Oh. Well.

I'm glad the old Berlin wall's gone.

You understood?

Well, I didn't take to being opportune in that manner.

You mean asking you to shack up with me? Yes, I do.

Well, what if I had phrased it differently?

How?

What if I had said, look, Diana, we're a couple of old battered butties. Why

don't we just ring the last bell and trundle off to the old scrapyard

eh? What if I said it like that, romantically?

Oh, goodness.

As romantic clear as that, eh?

Yes, well, I'm British.

As a nation, we're all a bit constipated when it comes to paying compliments.

I just thought it'd be nice if we had lived together.

Well, why didn't you say that?

Clean, simple, to the point.

Really? Yes, I wouldn't have taken offence at that.

Oh?

All right, I'll try it.

A clean, simple, straightforward question.

Diana.

Tom. Yes?

You ask a simple question, you'll get a simple answer.

And I promise you, be it yes or no, you'll regret it.

Well, no, you'll feel rejected.

Yes, you'll regret it.

Would I really?

Oh, believe me, I live with me. It's hell. I wish I could move out.

So I'd better put the film back on the spool and rewind to the point where Fred

pops the question to Ginger.

Good idea.

Dear old Ginger Rogers, we had a lot of laughs together.

Did you know her well? We did eight films together.

Of course you did.

Ginger. Fred.

Would you care to step outside and cut the rug with me?

I'd be delighted.

Heaven, I'm in heaven.

And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak.

And I seem to find the happiness I seek. Yes,

Diana? I'd like to tell you something.

Are you sure, Diana?

Oh, I'm sure, Tom.

So what do you want to tell me, Diana?

You've just trodden on my foot! You great sumbitch!