Original subtitles

Oh, God.

What's that?

I just said, oh, God.

Ah.

Oh, God.

About time, of course.

What? About time you appealed to the Almighty.

Oh, God.

He's probably got that bit.

I was not making an appeal to some dubious and probably fictional deity.

I was merely saying, oh, God.

Oh. God?

Might as well forgive her. She knows not what she does or what she says.

When you talk to God, why do you look into the treetops?

Is God a squirrel?

No, he's not a squirrel. You mustn't blaspheme.

I just don't believe in God.

He's probably got fairly severe reservations about you, too.

It's very hard not having any faith.

All very well for you wifty wafties who have got faith. You don't have to think

anymore. It's all solved.

Us poor sons, we have to think it all out for ourselves.

We'd love to have faith.

I'd love to be able to go down to the corner Indian and say, I have a problem

with the ultimate destiny of the species. Give me a pound of faith,

If you went down the corner Indian, you'd probably get the wrong faith, too.

Well, there you are, you see.

That's the other point.

Someone's got to be wrong.

It's either billions of them or billions of us.

There is no God.

Prove it.

Hello, Tom.

How are you today?

There's my proof.

If your God's so smart, how come he chose this clockwork ding -dong to run

local supporters club?

Don't take any notice, Jane. She's been chewing barbed wire again.

Oh, Diana.

Ain't that a glorious day?

I've been drizzling for five hours, you simpering man.

Well, I bet it's a lovely day.

those clouds.

I bet it's a right little scorcher in Eritrea as well.

See, your silly god can't even get the weather right. Either getting burnt to a

crisp or getting fungus round the ankles from the rising damp.

Is there something amiss?

Oh, only life, Jane.

When you wake up to the appalling vileness and iniquities of this evolved

flot that we call mankind,

I just want to go out and find Mary Poppins and blow her stupid brains out.

Well, I don't feel like that at all.

Personally, I'm gloriously happy.

Oh, my heart is just so full today.

Oh.

Don't stop gushing, Jane.

There's one thing I can't stand this morning, some half -wittedly erotic

all over the place. What has got into you? Oh, I'm just so happy.

And why is that, Jane?

I've lost my heart.

Lost your heart?

Careless, are you?

How splendid, Jane. Do tell us all about it.

He came to me in the night.

I looked round, and there he was, his arms open.

And then it happened.

Anyone we know?

Whom? Whom? Harvey Baines.

No, it was Jesus Christ who came to me in the night.

He came unto me. He called me.

coming on.

I get is this religious maniac tearing the place down.

Ah,

the old bread of heaven.

Or should I say the old rabbit stew and dehydrated mash of heaven.

Why do you encourage her?

Oh, I love a sing -along. We all love a sing -along here. Well, I don't. Except

you, but you're not normal, so you don't count.

She'll probably bring on a few coronaries, but what a nice way to go.

Who's that at the door?

Some humanoid masquerading as a woman.

Probably Harvey Baines' mother.

Oh, yes, Mr. Baines asked if he could have a word with you after lunch, as

representatives of the inmates.

I'm in the restroom.

What about?

Probably a new economy drive. Wants to shoot one in five of us.

Some of fate?

Ah, yes.

The fate worse than death.

She's not doing it. I beg your pardon? She's still not doing it.

Well, that's a great shame.

Never mind. If she's not doing it, she's not doing it.

What isn't she doing?

The summer feast.

I am not going to run it this time. Well, I wasn't going to ask you to.

Why not?

Because that's not why I asked you here.

Well, you must want something.

I've asked you here to meet someone who's coming to join the staff.

You can't afford any more staff.

Diana, I will decide what I can and can't afford.

I feel Jane needs, what, a bit of a hand.

You mean because she's off her trolley with this religious stuff?

I want to give her room to move.

It's your fault, you know. And how's that?

Well, she's mad about you. Terrible crush.

Diana, please.

And it is unrequited love.

So she is turning sexual frustration into religious fanaticism.

It's up to you to release the manic tension within the poor bat.

I wish I hadn't asked that question.

I don't think that's a valid option.

I've found someone to share her load.

Another Jane.

Don't be ridiculous.

There can't be two such genetic throwbacks within one platform.

Her name is Greta Muller.

Welsh, is she?

And as the most influential of the residents, I wanted you to meet her

What's wrong with her? Nothing.

Then why is she coming to work here?

Probably just the right lack of qualifications.

There's a Harvey Baines con job coming on. Have you quite finished?

Hardly even started.

I'll get this one.

I don't like the sound of this Greta Muller.

I had an affair with a Greta once.

A famous movie star, but a bit of a recluse.

Greta, this is Diana Trent and Tom

Ballard, who I told you about.

How do you do? Miss Miller?

Good afternoon, Frau Muller.

I would like to know that I've forgiven and forgotten.

I beg your pardon?

The hostilities.

You know, the big one.

Vulture.

Knock him for six.

Carry on, number one.

He means the war.

That's what they all say.

I was one of the few.

You still are, Tom.

Well, I do not believe in living in the past.

Really? What do you believe in, Miss Muller, with regard to running this

-ring circus?

Efficiency and caring, Miss Trent.

I'm a great believer in the efficient and humane management of the elderly. As

opposed to the sloppy and inhumane management of the elderly.

That's not what I meant, Miss Trent.

I've had a lot of experience in dealing with the aged.

Then you'll know better than to refer to us as an anonymous group.

We are not the aged or the elderly, and we do not wish to be managed.

This is a service industry, not a charity. We have paid. We are here to be

served, not patronised.

Nobody does us any favours. I hope you comprehend these subtleties.

And no invading Poland at weekends.

Well, I'm sure we will all get on very well.

Now we know exactly where we stand.

Good. In fact, I have already done you a service, Miss Trent.

You really?

Yes, your niece rang.

She was looking for her Porsche motor car.

Apparently, she thought it was in the garage as you had crashed it.

So? Well, of course I told her that it was fine and standing outside.

And she could come and collect it at any time. When was this?

Couple of hours ago.

Oh, my God.

Tally -ho.

You think you can handle them?

He is no trouble at all.

She, on the other hand, will have to go.

stolen her car.

Jane?

Jane? Can you come in here, please?

Yes, yes. Bless you, too.

Tom?

Hawaii.

What are you doing?

Hanging ten, waiting for the big one.

You're far too old to go surfing.

No, I'm not.

I'm 19 years old. I have rippling muscles and luminous green shorts and

a pretty Californian girl waving to me from the beach.

Who does she want?

What would any girl want with a hunk like me?

Your abdominal support system, maybe?

Don't you believe it?

I'm getting good vibrations.

She's giving me excitation.

Just concentrate on the waves.

Hello, Diana.

God bless you.

Sit down, Jane.

Oh, do stop all this serene grinning. You look like the Mona Lisa on Valium.

What did you want, Diana?

Your job is in jeopardy.

Harvey Brain Dead is going to fire you.

Oh, I doubt that's true.

And even if it were, it would be the will of the Lord.

No, it would not be the will of the Lord, Jane. It would be the will of a

stormtrooper called Greta Hitler.

What is Tom doing?

He's surfing.

Oh, that's nice.

Are you not concerned?

No, not at all.

Well, what about your beloved Harvey?

Oh, please, Diana, there's nothing between me and...

And there never will be if you let him give you the elbow.

He's not going to do that.

Ava Brown will, though, ducky.

Do you think she wants her predecessor tramping round the compound for very

long? Oh, you mark my words.

The Lord probably has some greater task in mind for me. Maybe missionary work in

Calcutta or up the Amazon.

Up the Amazon?

Jane, you can't even get to the corner shop without a map and a compass.

The Lord will provide.

See you later.

the indecisive and feeble -minded, she has decided to lay her fate in the lap

the gods.

What are we going to do?

I met that girl on the beach.

Her name is Peggy Sue.

Peggy Sue?

Peggy Sue. She's invited me to a beach party.

We're going to roast marshmallows, boogie and jive, and have huge amounts

sex.

Tom, this is not Hawaii. This is Bournemouth.

The last time a woman took a second look at you was the day they stopped

rationing.

Peggy Sue, I love you with a love so rare and true.

Dear God, how am I supposed to fight our battles when my second -in -command is

permanently stuck in a B -grade movie?

Where are you going?

Where do you think?

To a slumber party, of course.

Antonio?

What? Antonio is Portuguese.

Yes, I know that.

But you were talking to him in French. Well, I don't speak Portuguese, do I?

Perhaps we better let him get on with work.

He was pulling up summer flowers approximately four months early. I

break his fingers.

I believe he's following Mr. Bain's orders.

Harvey? What does he know about gardening?

Gucci don't make wellies.

They're used to cut back on the more labor -intensive areas of the gardens.

Like flowerbeds. This border is to be turfed over.

Over my dead body.

I'm sure that won't be necessary.

Antonio, restez -vous là, ne faites rien.

Continue.

She won't be here much longer.

I will.

Good morning, all.

Goodness, somebody died?

No, we'd have shared out the extra cornflakes at breakfast.

Just the usual touch of the Waiting for God blues, eh?

The trouble with you lot is you don't get out in about enough.

You should have been with me yesterday. I went surfing in Hawaii and then had

the most amazing sexual marathon with a young lady called Peggy Sue.

you should talk like that in front of these people. These people?

What's the matter with these people?

Well, they're old.

You mean I can't make risky remarks in front of old people?

You could offend.

But I know them.

I wouldn't do that. They're my friends. Look at Basil here.

Basil fought in the trenches the first time we beat you.

He and his worthy comrades told dirty jokes for months on end.

and spent long nights dreaming of making love to beautiful women dressed like

Christmas crackers.

Isn't that so, bad boy?

Well, maybe I find your remarks offensive.

In that case, I apologize, but humbly suggest that you might be in the wrong

job.

I'm afraid that round this campfire, we're a bunch of rather raunchy old

cowpokes. Yeah!

Steady on the beans, boys.

What we need is a good old sing -song.

Right. What about Roll Me Over in the Clover?

That's a jolly good one. Come on.

Let's go.

This piano is conspicuous by its absence.

The piano has gone.

Well, I can see that.

The piano was removed by me.

Oh, you big butch thing you are.

Because of complaints.

Complaints? From whom?

Miss Trent has registered an objection.

The piano has been removed.

Diana wouldn't do that.

Diana wouldn't do that.

Oh, and Mr. Bellard, I believe your son is having a meeting with Mr.

Baines at 2. If you could drop in at 2 .30.

Oh. Oh, Geoffrey, what for?

You'll see.

I feel that things have become rather confused at Bayview.

I hope to be sorting them out very soon.

Hello, Tom.

Where are you today?

Waikiki. Oh, dear.

Peggy Sue run out of marshmallows, has she?

I'm not talking to you.

Well, you just did.

No, I didn't.

You're a turncoat.

Turncoat? What is this, Dick Whittington?

You're a traitor, a backstabber, a fifth columnist, an ally of Beelzebub.

Oh, I am a busy girl.

I wouldn't say we had a friendship because I know that's an impossibility

someone as emotionally arid as you are, but I did think at least we were some

sort of allies.

Absolutely. One for all, tea for two, all that jazz.

You're not funny.

You're not witty.

You're pathetic.

What has brought on this childish and petulant display?

You know perfectly well. Do I?

Yes. You're a wicked killjoy.

That is what you are.

And you know something else? What?

You have fat ankles.

Thank you, Tom.

It's most kind.

Hello, Diana.

God bless you.

Go away.

I am.

You am what?

I am going away. Good.

End of the week.

But I thought you were staying to train up Der Führer Fraulein.

I was, but, well, she seems to think she has everything under control.

We'll shortly have the trains running on time as well.

I must say I was a bit surprised at half a Mr Baines's attitude.

How do you mean?

Well, when I said I wanted to become a nun, well, I do. I mean, well, I did.

I mean, I do.

Make your mind up, Jane.

Well, I was more sort of floating the idea, testing the water.

You know.

You mean you wanted the unspeakable Baines to say, Oh, God, Jane, don't

long. Have I yearned for you? Let us at once make the beast with two backs.

Well, I would have liked a little show of appreciation.

I didn't really expect him to say, Oh, wonderful idea, and drag that thingy

woman in.

I think I deserved a little more than that.

Oh, not much. I don't expect much in life.

Just a little appreciation.

Jane, this really is last hope house, isn't it?

Hello, Jane. Miss Trent.

Mr. Tom, time for your meeting.

What is going on?

And that is the position, Tom. I'm sorry.

But, you know, life must go on. New brooms and all that.

Time and motion, care and management.

I mean, she's not really in your court, you know. I mean, she's not in anybody's

court. You know Diana, selfish to the last.

She's disruptive.

What do you think, Geoffrey?

You know me, Dad. I just want what's good for you.

Marion? Oh, I just want the best for you, too.

And I know how much you like it here.

Do I?

You wouldn't want to come home, would you?

That's very true.

And what's she ever done for you?

Won't even let you play the piano.

And she's always making jokes about you behind your back.

Jokes?

Really? Yeah.

She's calling you a senile old loon with bad wind.

Well, maybe it's true.

Now, look, Tom, we don't want you to do anything that would be against your

conscience as a human being.

How about my conscience as a non -human being?

How about my conscience as a hedgehog?

I'm sorry?

You're not a hedgehog, Dad.

Don't start debating with him. You'll just get lost.

It's very simple. It's all in the small print of your lease agreement.

Small print?

The properly constituted Residence Association can, for the need arise,

majority resolutions about the running of the village and the admissibility of

the residents therein.

So we convene a Residence Association meeting to...

Vote Diana off the premises. You're the only one who could do it, Dad. They all

respect you. They're all scared trouserless of the old witch.

Yes, and as president of the Residence Association, you'll be entitled to many

powers. And a rebate if you die in the last quarter of any financial year.

Oh, that's comforting.

Well, I suppose there is only one course of action.

Jolly good, that's the spirit.

A sensible decision, Dad. I will convene the Residence Association and declare

you president immediately.

to fix the old car.

C 'est très méchant, Antonio.

Very naughty.

La femme craute est un cochon stupide.

Diana!

Whatever is it? Jesus dancing across the duck pond? Tom.

Tom walking on the water.

Yes, well, that sounds more likely.

When did he ever want to sign a petition?

What about?

You. They're all signing a petition to get rid of you.

What? It's that German woman.

Oh, she's a devil in human form.

She's been sent to tempt Harvey. He has been found wanting.

Antonio, put the flowers back.

Now, tell me what's been going on. And in plain English, not in biblical

metaphor.

Tom?

Tom, will you come over here, please?

Tom, will you please come over here?

I can't talk now.

If you want to talk to me, you come over here.

Why are you doing this to me?

Doing what?

This.

It's petition.

Jane's just told me about it. It's the process of democracy at work, Diana.

Democracy is for the simple -minded. Throw it in the bin.

Oh, that's typical of you, Diana.

What about the piano and the sing -alongs?

I didn't put the kibosh on them.

Do you deny you didn't complain about them? Of course I don't deny it. I

complain about everything.

Not my fault if once in a blue moon somebody actually listened to my

let alone act on them.

We lost the piano and the sing -alongs, and a silence has fallen on the stalag.

I'm thinking of tunneling out.

I shall have to talk to Dickie Attenborough and the escape committee.

Don't start drifting off now.

Listen, I am sorry about the piano. I will request, nay demand, its immediate

return, all right?

It's too late, Diana. Look, Tom, I am fed up with people trying to chuck me

of here.

Look, during my life, I have spent my money...

and spoken my mind. So I have few friends and little cash.

I never had any children, so there is nobody I can make feel morally obliged

take me in.

It would be a real pain in the bottom to have to find somewhere else now.

And that is the only reason you don't want to leave?

What other reason might there be?

None at all, Diana.

None at all.

Tom, this does not come easily to me.

Please, do not make my life any more intolerable.

Please, will you tear up the petition?

Dan?

It's Tom, actually.

I'm sorry, Diana, there is nothing I can do. A signed petition is one of the

cornerstones of democracy.

It expresses the will of the people. Of the people!

And I am honour -bound to deliver it.

Tom? Mr.

Baines, as president of the Residence Association, I have to inform you

that we have a petition to present to you.

Well, goodness.

Well, jolly good. Present away.

I have enlisted Basil Makepeace, our oldest inhabitant, to read the petition

the assembled company.

Don't want to put the blade in your thumb, eh? Smart move.

This petition has been signed by all the residents, bar one.

Hardly the Brighton. And, of course, as per our agreed rules of management, you

are obliged to act in accordance with its request.

Quite right, Dad.

Thank you, Harry.

Basil?

We, the undersigned, residents of the Bayview Retirement Village, request the

immediate removal from the village of... Greater Miller, the new mason.

We also require the immediate reinstatement of Jane Edwards and a new

the dining room.

I will get you for this.

will get you for this.