Original subtitles

You're going to love it here, Dad.

It looks really super, Tom.

Doesn't it, Dad?

Dad?

Oh, yes, it's lovely.

Very well kept.

I'm sure it'll be a great new adventure.

That's the spirit.

I'll go and see to the beers.

You hang on.

It's a real crappy fear, isn't it?

David!

David!

Well, it is.

I think it's terrible.

Don't be a chump, David.

It's just another step on the road.

Where?

To wherever we're all going.

Come on, lad.

Too many words of smile, if you please.

Remember the emu.

We are not in bed, God forbid.

Oh, Diana, you are a naughty.

You waggly and nasty little finger at me, woman, or I'll bite it off.

Oh, it's such a lovely day.

So? Well, God gave us this day to enjoy.

What do you want me to do, go hang gliding?

You always sit in your sun lounge.

I don't think I could stand the excitement.

I watch the grass growing, the grass watches me shrinking.

Dear, oh, dear, somebody has got out of bed the wrong side this morning.

Got out of either side, yes.

Oh, you mean you haven't been today?

I beg your pardon? We haven't had a little twinkle today.

Oh, God.

All right, we're going to have to join the rubber sheep club.

Come on, let's see. Get out!

Dear God, you really are quite unpeakable.

Tis the matter.

You've just happened a clue, have you?

Not a clue.

No, I mean, we're very easy going here. I mean, rule the... such are kept to a

bare minimum. They're more common sense and courtesy guidelines than rules.

Can I have a pet?

We're not too keen on the larger pets, cats and dogs.

There's always the problem of what happens to them after their owners...

on. Of course.

I mean, small pets, fine.

Budgies, gerbils, hamsters.

Lizards? Sorry?

Can I have a lizard?

You haven't got a lizard, Dad.

But I can get one.

and purchased her finest to come back and find I'm living in a lizardless

society.

Oh, no, please, please.

I'm sure we could cope with a lizard.

Now, mealtime.

What about a snake?

Tom.

Well, it would be good to have a snake around the place.

They could eat all the gerbils and budgies left behind by the residents who

moved on.

Yes,

I can see you're going to be a bit of a humorist, Dan.

Tom.

We're off on the big outing next week.

Hooray. I heard that.

Good. Where is it this time? Another hunt for cut -price burial plots?

Actually, we're going to France.

On a pilgrimage to Lourdes. Oh, my God. In the minibus.

Have you gone quite mad?

Oh, Lourdes is very well known for its healing qualities.

Well, that minibus isn't. It took us two hours of it.

We've been taking it very slowly.

Took it slowly to Torquay, and look what happened.

Hardly hear yourself talk for the thud of falling bodies.

I take it you won't be coming? I am neither suicidal nor Catholic. Oh, non

-sectarian. I am glad.

I'd hate to think anyone was precluded from sudden death on religious grounds.

A little faith would do you no harm.

Do you know what faith is, Jane?

Faith is what helps you make the quantum leap between the believable and the

totally bloody ridiculous.

It's a terrible cynical.

I do hope so. I'd hate to think that my time here had been totally wasted.

I don't think you enjoy it.

Sniping away at me and the residents.

No, I don't. You lot are fitting duck.

You need a moving target to enjoy it.

Of course, you can eat in your own bungalow, but you can also eat in here

main building. And this is our dining room.

Oh, really?

What happens in here?

Well,

we eat in here.

Oh, I see.

That's why it's called the dining room. Very clever.

This is the dining room. They call it that because people dine here.

Tom, you don't embarrass us.

Now, here's someone you'll get to know well. This is Jenny. Jenny, Mr. Bollard.

Bollard. How do you do, sir?

You must call me Dan.

Tom. It's your name.

It's Tom.

Yes, and then you'll be like Tom and Jenny.

You know, like the cartoon, Todman... Yes.

Well, moving right along is the residence lounge. Don't you worry, Tom.

not all like him. He's our only Major Pratt. Oh.

Bit of a shag and a rock, eh?

Well, we'll have to have him ringed.

Do you care to rephrase that?

You play Scrabble on your own?

Good God, so I am. And I thought I was playing with the Dagenham Girl Pipers.

Would you like me to rattle someone up to play with you? Oh, thank you. I like

playing by myself.

It's easier to cheat.

If I start losing, I can always drag old Lionel out of his cupboard.

Lionel? Oh, dear.

Haven't you heard?

What?

Lionel is no longer with us.

Oh, do stop talking in euphemisms. Do you mean Lionel is dead?

gone to another place.

What other place?

Heaven.

I'll hit you one of these days, so help me I will.

What did he die of?

Well, he just sort of stopped.

Unusual. Terminal boredom.

Another green bottle falls off the wall.

I thought you knew.

They hardly shout these things from the rooftops, you know.

Never see a hearse in here in daylight.

Flip in under cover of darkness like body snatchers.

Sun comes up and everyone's trying to avoid looking at the untouched bowl of

frosties on the breakfast table.

Would you like a pill? A mood elevator?

You are a pill, Jane. Go away.

Poor old sod.

Oh, it is nice, isn't it?

Nice.

I think Geoffrey wants you to pop outside while we have a man -to -man

Oh, right.

Come along.

We can't leave Grandpa here.

Out.

Dad, if you don't like it here, we'll forget the whole thing and go home.

Thank you, Geoffrey, but I don't think so.

If I stayed there one more night, poor Marion would probably strangle her

psychiatrist. No, no.

She's just a bit, you know, highly strung.

And so she should be.

Stop feeling guilty, Geoffrey.

We're all glad to see the back of each other. That's not true.

Well, I'm concerned it is.

Really? Oh, yes.

I love it here.

Oh, well.

Jolly good.

Of course, we'll come and visit.

Don't hurry.

Right.

Got to have adventures, Geoffrey.

This is my next adventure.

This is the upper reaches of the Nile, the Trek de Lhasa, the Brazilian

This is Bournemouth.

I'm a flamingo.

Oh, my God, a fruitcake.

Cup of tea?

What? To go with your fruitcake. Thank you, but I'm reading.

My name is Tom Jones.

You've probably heard of me. I'm a famous singer.

I work in Las Vegas, sweat a lot, and throw my underwear to middle -aged women

who scream for my body.

It's not unusual to be loved by anyone.

Hello,

Miss Trent.

Everything all right?

No.

Wonderful. Brits this evening?

No. Hello, Dan.

Looking for some new chums, eh?

Looking for some food, actually.

Come with me.

Miss Trent, I've got someone to meet you.

Dan Bollard, this is Fiona Trent.

I just know you're going to get on marvellously together, so I'll leave you

do just that. See you later.

Diana Trent.

Tom Ballard.

So you're not Tom Jones.

I was just trying a new conversational opening.

Didn't work.

Do you mind if I sit down?

Well,

I won't if you don't want me to.

Stand, do whatever you like. You can burn to the ground for all I care.

Since you put it so nicely, I'll sit.

There, I've sat.

What do you want me to do, applaud?

I knew I shouldn't have sat.

Hello, Tom. Settling in all right?

Oh, yes. I'm having the time of my life. Wonderful place.

That's the spirit.

Pity everybody else doesn't have such a positive approach.

Each to his own, Jenny. Some people like being cheerful, others enjoy being

miserable. Just as long as they enjoy themselves, that's the main thing.

Well, say it louder.

Somebody might hear you.

It's cloying old fuddies like you that give the elderly a bad name.

Trotting out your trite little homilies like some refugee from Reader's Digest.

You might enjoy being a quaint old parody of a human being, but I've still

my balls, thank you very much.

This meat isn't very good.

Never is.

What is it?

Squirrel.

These carrots seem to be from a tin, if I'm not mistaken.

Better at weekends when the relatives are around.

Doesn't anyone complain?

Not often. We're British.

Bad food is a way of life.

They serve dead dog, they complain to the RSPCA before the chef.

Well, I'd better have a word with Mr Baines. He won't do any good.

He just runs the place.

I just run the place, you see, Tom.

But surely running the place would encompass the provision of decent food.

I think the food is rather good, don't you, Jane?

Oh, yes, Mr Baines.

We never have any complaints.

Jane, you're lying through your teeth.

You'll be struck down long before you get to Lourdes.

Not many complaints. It's a question of budget, you see.

Oh. But I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll have a word with Cook and see if he can't put some choice cut for thigh

just for you. And you, of course, Miss Trent, be just on to new, nodding a

eh? Oh, no.

I wouldn't like to think I was getting preferential treatment to my fellow

inmates. Residence, Dan.

Residence.

I do hope he's not going to be a

troublemaker. Oh, I'm sure not.

I'm not a difficult man, Jane.

Oh, no, you're not, Harvey.

A mistake.

You see, if this place fails financially, people won't put their

other bay views.

So I would be depriving thousands of senior citizens of their place in the

if I were to allow it to function in any way but the, well, reasonably

profitable.

I mean, it's nothing to do with my part in the profit share scheme, but, you

know, shareholders are people too.

Oh, I do understand.

So you'll keep an eye on things.

Sorry? Let us know in advance if the apple cart looks like being upset.

Oh, I see.

Maybe Dan would like to go on the Lord's trip.

I don't wish to know.

Tai Chi?

Never heard of it.

Chinese exercises.

Pumping up the yin and the yang.

Sounds disgusting.

It permits a healthy mind and body.

What for?

So that you may live a long and healthy life.

What for?

What for?

Yes. What is the point of having a long and healthy life if you spend half of it

stuck in this place waiting for it to end?

Yes, yes. Tell me, Miss Trent.

What did you do when you were alive?

I was a spinster.

Is that a profession?

It's an attitude.

I was a self -contained unit. I did exactly as I pleased until the dismal

iniquities of age turned the tables on me.

What was your excuse for cluttering up the planet?

I was enjoying life.

I still am.

Must be wonderful to be a simple... Oh, it is.

Did you have an occupation?

Oh, yes.

For many years, I was a bullfighter. Oh, my God.

I fought under the name of Eric Corsovis. Maybe you've heard of me. I

Malaga 20 years ago. You were badly gored. Indeed, I was.

See, there's a scar.

Oh, the bull took your appendix out at the same time.

They're very smart animals.

And then what did you do?

I was an astronaut.

Oh, yes.

Between trips to the moon?

A financier.

An accountant?

Yes. A humble accountant?

One of many humble accountants in a very, very big firm.

I sat at the same desk every day for 40 years.

Hence your fantasizing.

Not fantasies at all.

We had three weeks paid holiday a year.

Plenty of time to fight bulls on the moon.

So, you're just a boring... man who's led a boring life.

You're absolutely right.

I've bought for the world 11 for many, many seasons.

Become a ludicrous preserve to boot.

Yes. Everything I do is for effect.

You see, I'm terrified that if people don't notice me, that they might not be

here at all.

They're not.

I've never seen or heard of you. There's no one there.

I'm talking to a figment of my own diseased imagination.

Surely you wouldn't bother to think me up. That's true.

I've just checked in the mirror.

I was actually there.

That is assuming the mirror was really there.

Never assume a presence.

You can only ever be sure of an absence.

It's just about thumbs you up.

You're such a sweet person.

Just because we're old doesn't mean to say we have to be polite to one another.

I believe in being polite to everyone.

Even mad bulls.

Please. Don't tell me any more about yourself. I don't want to know.

There's no time.

The only thing I ever did of any note was to found the Kingston -upon -Thames

Communist Party. Look, I don't want to know.

The Kingston -on -Thames Communist Party?

Yes. Did you have many members?

No, none at all.

It was just another of my totally futile gestures in life.

Do you know anything about communism?

Anyway, I picked up from Hemingway in the Spanish Civil War.

Cordobis, he said to me, Marx and Engels have nothing to do with ice skating.

Listen, Ballard, you're not an original.

You can't disguise gibberish as original thought.

Just like the rest of us.

In this life, we do three things.

We're born, we consume, we die.

Now, you and I have done the first two. We're now just waiting to do the third.

We've come here to die.

So kindly, do it quietly and with dignity.

And on your own.

I met Mick Jagger

once.

At the siege of Madrid.

Bet you never did that.

Sorry, Mr. Bellard, I must have forgot you. No, no, Jenny, you didn't. I'm not

having any.

You don't like it?

I'm on a hunger strike.

Oh, that's all right, then.

Give us a yell if you change your mind.

I'm on hunger strike.

Oh, yes?

Like Gandhi.

I like Gandhi.

Finished already, Tom?

No, I'm not having any. I'm on a hunger strike.

Oh, you don't do that, Tom.

I do.

I'm not going to eat until the food gets better.

Dan.

Harry.

Sorry?

Harry.

No, it's not Harry, Dan. It's Harvey.

My apologies.

One should always try and get a person's name right, or they might think you

don't care for them.

Right. So how are things?

Things are fine.

So you were just pulling Jane's leg, right?

I would never presume such a liberty.

Oh, so you are on a hunger strike.

Just until I'm presented with some food I would consider worthy.

Have you mentioned this to anyone?

The sun, the mirror, and the times.

Don't you worry about a thing, Dan.

If I could just have your attention for a moment.

Now, about our trip to Lourdes.

Now, I'm sure some of you will remember the success of last year's trip.

Success? Did someone make it home?

These trips, like some little joke.

Two people died.

Now, you know that's not true. More than two, was it?

Anyway, just so I can get a rough idea of numbers, could I have a show of hands

from all those interested?

Anyone for Lourdes?

We do stock up with duty free at Boulogne. That's if you make it that

are going to do us, Miss Edwards.

It's a wonderful place and I can personally attest to its healing powers.

I myself benefited from them after suffering severe injuries while working

Spain.

Olé!

I urge you all to go.

I'm sure a wonderful time will be had by all.

And you say the food's OK?

Wonderful.

So you're not hungry?

Why should you ask that?

No reason, just thought you might prefer to come home.

Why should I want to leave? I've only just got here.

Well, we miss you.

Don't we, Marianne?

But when you were laying your new patio, I distinctly overheard someone suggest

that it might be a good idea if I was to become an integral part of the concrete

mix.

I just skinned a rabbit in my sewing room.

Will you come home now?

No, no, no, Geoffrey.

You can't stop the crusades at Cyprus.

I am a foot... a board.

See? He's very happy here. He wants to stay.

Oh, all right.

Goodbye.

Gasty creature.

She'll have been strangled at birth.

Are you talking to me?

Do you know about you?

Possibly.

How's the hunger strike?

Never miss a trick, do you? The consistency of your malevolence is

Do you want some?

Get thee behind me.

I do love to see a man of principle.

They're so fatuous nowadays.

Eat your sweets, Miss Trent.

She's got your number, you know.

Who? Baines, of course. Why do you think your awful offspring suddenly turn up

saying, come home, all is forgiven?

Why? He wants you out. You're a troublemaker.

He's been on to them.

Oh, dear, your dad's not happy here. He weeps into his soup.

Better take him home before he kills himself and brings disgrace upon your

house.

He wouldn't do that.

Well, he tried it with my family, got on to my niece.

Lashings of moral blackmail.

But you're still here.

Yes, of course I am. My niece was trained by me.

She told Baines if I wanted to do myself in, I was to be given every assistance.

But that's awful.

I thought it was splendid.

Awful of Baines, I mean.

You don't treat El Cordobis like some common picador.

I don't think we'll have too much trouble from dear old Dan.

Had a word with the daughter -in -law. She knows how to get him into line.

You have to be a people manager. You know, Jane... And I must say, I'm rather

good one.

Oh, you are, Harvey.

You are.

Dan!

Tom! Got that?

Tom! Tom? Is this correct?

Well, I should have been informed.

Do come in, Tom.

Now, what can we do for you?

What?

Now listen to me. We don't seem to have much choice. I said listen.

Sorry.

In this institution, you have over a thousand years of wisdom and human

experience. Understand?

You don't have a bunch of old crocs who need managing and herding around the

place like lame sheep.

Also in this institution, you have paying customers. We pay you work. What

that make you?

Our employee.

Right? Right.

So, as one of your many bodies, I am now going to give you some instructions

about the food round here. Now, Tom, I did explain... Quit!

This is not a discussion.

Here are your orders concerning the food.

You will obey these, or I'll put phase two of my plan into operation, and that,

I can assure you, will snap your little yuppie brain right down the middle.

Do you understand?

Yes, Tom.

Come along, Mrs. Somerville.

Come on. No time to wait. You won't need that if you get back anyway.

Not going to Lourdes, then?

I value my health.

You're learning.

Here you've given up the hunger strike.

Yes. Don't you have no balls?

What's your favourite dish, Miss Trenton?

Salmon. Why?

Ben?

Harry!

It's hot.

Yes, Tom?

Poached salmon for Miss Chen, please.

Sure, fine.

Why not?

Poached salmon.

Caviar. Poverty.

Why not?

Why not? Yes, why not? It's only money.

Profit.

did you manage that?

I told him that if the fool did not improve, I would disembowel myself on

steps of the town hall.

Would you have done?

Certainly not, but he doesn't know that. He thinks I'm a potential psychopath.

They all think you go barmy after 70.

Exploited, that's what I say.

I'm a bullfighter. You're a crackpot.

At least I'm prettier than you.