Original subtitles

All right, fruit wranglers, it's the staging area.

And a five, six, seven, eight.

You, Daisy Mae, save the do -si -dos for your next trip to Walmart. This is a B

-U -C pageant.

All right, ladies, right this way. Watch where you're walking now. Come on. Go.

Keep your eyes in your pockets, hound dog. Come on, Nick. You've got to

appreciate the finer details of the female form.

Yeah.

Which details might those be, Michelangelo?

You know.

Here comes the boss lady. Yeah, Kelly Vickers, finalist from 97. Let's see

she notes.

VIP, I presume?

At your service. Quick Williams, Nicky Franco.

You mentioned a problem.

That's an understatement. Luke McCain, our rig captain, slipped out of his

safety harness and fell from the scaffolding two days ago.

Police wrote it up as an accidental death.

So he slipped.

We don't usually get called in on rigging patrol.

It's just, I can't risk having the pageant shut down.

We get a lot of corporate sponsors, and these scholarships mean so much to the

girls.

Hold on, Nick. I think Miss Vickers has a couple more details.

Maybe some things that the police didn't hear.

Luke was tying off a new rail just under the catwalk.

Someone was spotted up there just after he fell.

Any ideas who?

No. No, the entire crew was accounted for.

So this Luke Skydiver dude pissed someone off.

How do you know it's tied to the pageant? I don't, but I can't take that

That's why I hired you.

If you'll take the job.

All right, then.

We'll make sure nobody else tries taking flying lessons. Thank you.

Maybe you're right. Maybe it was just an isolated incident.

Excuse me.

Yeah, that happens sometimes.

Hi, Mr. Meacham. All right. Miss Albany, Portland, Wichita, Denver, run. Don't

walk. Stay gay. Ladies, opening. Number of rehearsals. Let's go.

Okay, easy. Don't trip.

Okay, Frankie.

It's me.

I got a lead on Luke McCain's killer.

It was no accident.

No. Don't make a move till I call.

The beautiful and lethal Valerie Irons.

Flux from obscurity to head an elite Los Angeles bodyguard agency.

They know how to get things done.

Eventually.

Everyone should have a pageant information packet along with the

Val's plan.

Val has a plan?

I can't stand the suspense.

Whatever it is, we need to stay as close as possible to keep these girls safe.

Close? Like without all those annoying clothes in the way?

Well, Val's got the misallergenic part right.

I'm saying like, hi, just thinking about this stoking pageant. It's organic, as

in mis... All organic? Whatever.

So let me guess.

Val probably has it going undercover.

She's a judge, Nick is a seamstress mannequin, Quick's some kind of

and I am fed up.

Actually, you're way far off.

Val and Nicky are contestants.

Quick is a talent agent, and Johnny is the hairdresser.

Hairdresser? I don't know. Sounds to me more like Quick kind of thing.

Am I willing to switch?

No way. Val knows my key now for talent. Just remember, I offered.

Are you sure you got those assignments right?

I mean, no way am I waving my tail if I'm half -brained. Come to think of it,

that is kind of a stretch.

What? You saying I can't pull it off?

No.

Small flaw in the master plan, Val, as a contestant.

Good point.

Valerie Irons does tend to get recognized.

Fill in that, Val. That covers.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Yeah,

but Belle is... I am the poor farm girl

from the soybean fields of South Dakota. There are no soybean fields in South

Dakota. I'm North Dakota, and you're my trusty fashion sidekick.

Stella, you can't.

It's a safety market. It's a safety market.

You're so good at making this stuff up.

Here.

You're late.

Kelly's going to dig a hole and plant your butt in the back row.

Well, I hope there's a lot of fertilizer because this booty's going for the big

prize.

Elaine, Lola, and this is... Stacey Marquette.

That's Libby, Mimi, Heather, Patty, and Mary.

I think she busted out of a convent before coming here.

Actually, it was Miss Redmond's school for girls in Joplin, Missouri.

Oh, didn't they give an award for this push -up?

Are boyfriends allowed?

Oh, no, that's your brother, Greg. I guess he's out of protection.

For what?

Everything. People will do whatever it takes to win these contests.

What is so scary about picking out cute clothes and showing them off? I know,

but it's not what we do every day.

Let's just move to the street now.

Oh, that's right. Look at the chin, listen for instructions, and look out

dangerous people.

Well done. You made it.

Everyone on stage in five. Entrance rehearsal.

You, girl?

Shake it.

Well,

what do you think?

I'm just so happy to have that breakfast for you before I got here.

Come on.

We're just going to help you out real quick.

If I might make an offer of help.

I have it covered.

Obviously.

However, I am Raynard Beauvoir, and for the past 12 years in competitions around

the globe, at least one of my girls has been in the top three.

Really? Well, which one is your girl at this pageant? Miss Epson?

Mary Hudson?

No, little thin -lipped, mouthy girl. Come on. Believe me, she lights up the

stage with my help. Wait a second.

How can we be sure that you're not going to try and make her look worse than she

already does so Mary wins?

All I can say is when I see someone who needs this much help, I simply must step

in.

Oh, what a pretty boy.

We do have our work cut out for us.

First Luke, now...

Frank Meacham's missing.

Well, he's not the first crew hand in history to duck work.

No, no, see, Frank's a rock. He's the first one in and the last out.

Something's definitely wrong.

You called him?

I called him, I paged him, I emailed.

Nothing.

Um, here's his file. I really need to get things moving on stage.

Till you find him.

So now we're detectives and truant officers?

If that's what it takes.

We don't think maybe there's a connection.

Maybe this guy was a hitter.

All right, I'll go follow up on Meacham. You guys keep an ear to the ground.

The idea?

True artists.

Frank Meacham says you might be looking for representation.

Frank said that? Oh, yeah. I asked him all about you.

Figured he'd know the girls best, right?

A little too well. Frank and I are dating.

Well, lucky, lucky him.

It's a wide and long face.

He stood me up, promised to buy me lunch.

The closest I've been to food all day is that big dumb banana.

Meacham hasn't been home in days. His last two per diem checks are still in

mailbox. You think he hit Luke and split?

I'd take cash.

I checked his bank. He hasn't used his account.

Kay says he hasn't used his credit card. I don't think he ever left the pageant.

Somebody here must have seen something.

We'll talk later.

Don't take this the wrong way, because I'm an agent.

But I'd sure like to handle you.

Break out the barf bag, Theodore.

Hey, come on. I knew it was you. Huh?

Yeah.

Look, uh, we got a problem.

Seems that, uh, we got somebody else, uh, that's missing.

Two guys whacked?

We better call Val.

One, two, three, second inch.

Thanks so much, Lola.

Patty, Cal Junction.

Oh, hey, Nick.

I mean, Rose.

What's up?

Val, we got another missing dude.

Keep your eyes open and holler if you see anything suspicious.

Gotcha. Another missing dude.

And watch out for anybody suspicious.

I think I found somebody.

I think Miss Elaine knows exactly where the missing guy is.

And so do I.

Well,

the first guy, Luke McCain, died in the fall in front of everybody.

The time of death on Meacham was 9 a .m., before you guys arrived.

Here's the full coroner's report.

Thanks. How do you want? You're darn right.

Anyone finds out I took that, I'll get my ass kicked so hard I'll go bald.

Why? It's just a coroner's report.

Don't ask me. It came yellow tag for high security is all I know.

Well, for starters, I suppose it would have been nice if the coroner's report

had included the deceased's real name.

Interesting. Maybe witness protection?

Didn't Meacham and McCain have records?

Only for meritorious service.

They were FBI.

Hey.

Why were FBI agents at the beauty patent?

We're going to have to find out.

I know an agent who might fill us in. Dane.

Clean up and put something tight on.

Me?

Isn't this your cue to set up a secret rendezvous and trade sex for

Yeah, see, that's just it. Last time Dane and I got together, only one of us

satisfied. So I think he's holding it against me. Doesn't want to share

So, you know, you're up.

She knew she was going on first.

She copied me.

Cheater!

Cheater!

Do you want me to make her disappear?

Just say the word.

No. Allow me.

I wish he landed to a cornfield.

Gotta get her back.

This outfit is way too powerful. I'm gonna go change. You wanna help me? I

to use my alternate talent.

Look at her.

Lola even bleached her hair to look like me.

Those two are trouble.

I'm scared if I make my hair poke out funny on the side.

Just remember, get the information up front.

Then get out of there.

Mind if I play through?

Depends.

What's your handicap?

In our business, the only handicap is death.

What do you need?

I hear you lost a couple of agents, code name Meacham and McCain.

You're losing him. Move in.

I'm just someone who can help you with your stroke.

Is that right?

Mm -hmm.

How much do you know about McCain?

I know that when you're putting from the friend, you should stroke the ball

firmly.

McCain and Meacham?

You're on the trail of an international assassin.

An assassin?

An assassin?

An assassin.

Well, we've got the name.

Carla.

That's pretty good.

What do you say? You want to maybe take this someplace else?

Uh... I... Uh... Well?

Gibson Hotel, okay?

Ask for Bobby the bellhop.

Tell him I'll sing for my supper.

He'll give you the key to my room.

Ten o 'clock, okay?

Bobby the bellhop?

Included in today's panel of distinguished judges is New York Giants

safety, Sam Garn.

Shooter Rose Nyland.

I regret I'm forced to score 6 .3.

Our next contestant is Jan Frambois.

Shooting the judges' scorecard went a bit much.

I had to let off some steam.

Look, we've checked out every bimbo in this place, and no one seems to be our

murderer. Well, except for Yucky Elaine.

I don't know. She's such a major brickette. You don't think she could be

killer?

Well, somebody around here is.

All right, this girl needs some organization.

She's got her liner pencils with her lipsticks and her chocolate with her

butter.

I'm going to fix that Lola for stealing my genie talent idea.

Cheater.

Forget about her.

We've got bigger fish to fry.

You're really getting into that part, aren't you?

Acting. Quick, he said he's going to do something to Lola. Who?

Val, come with me.

Let's go back here.

What are you doing?

I'll get the girl.

You can ask for both vows, baby.

Do I look like I give a rat's ass?

Police on their way.

Nice brother and sister.

We didn't mean to hurt anybody.

Please, don't turn us in.

Nice try.

Got two murders.

About to commit a third.

What? Murders?

What are you talking about?

You said you were going to take care of Lola. I heard you.

And the scissors.

Her dress.

Look for yourself.

That's what the shears were for.

Well, that still doesn't give you an alibi for yesterday morning.

We were taping the choreography.

You can hear both our voices in the video.

Get out of here.

I said go.

Does this mean I'm out of the competition?

We'll let Kelly decide that.

You've got to understand.

These pageants get ugly.

The girls who win make more than a few enemies.

Perfect tent.

Somebody's improvising.

Cut this with whatever they can find.

Greg likes to cut things.

Well, except he was with us when it went down.

What was it Elaine said?

Something like winners make enemies.

And Val's in the top ten.

Whoever did this tried to make it look like an accident.

To keep the pageant from getting shut down.

Yeah.

You know, Kelly has background on everyone associated with the contest.

Want to check it out?

No,

there is another way to approach this.

When a big hit goes out for bid, word gets around.

Not with anyone I hang out with.

Maybe you don't hang out at the right places.

I know just a place.

Problem is I can't go alone.

Go alone to odd jobs? Come on, a body bag.

Do they serve Shirley Temple?

Hey, that's my beer!

Remember, I do all the talking. Got it?

See anyone here named Carla?

What about you? Anybody named Carla around here?

Ramona? Long time, no see.

Hey, guys.

Where's Ramona Flynn?

Don't mess with her, though.

She'll slight you.

Slight Bandai.

Looking for some trouble again?

Maybe.

I am looking for the 411 on a hitter.

And he's coming.

What are the bad news?

That a guy in Honolulu still haven't found all the parts.

Splattered some fellow all over a fountain in Lisbon, too.

Yeah. Plus Hong Kong.

Brisbane. Really racking up those frequent flyer miles, I see.

Any idea what Carla's up to these days?

Just for a fact, Carla picked up a job. Supposed to go down on the 17th.

The same day as the A .O .B. finals.

Are you sure?

Sure, I'm sure.

I was offered the job first before Carla took it.

I suppose you tell me why this nosy routine, Ramona.

Unless you're thinking about stealing jobs from me, too.

No, I wouldn't do that.

Mike made my girlfriend angry.

Bring it on, Slim.

I'll believe this.

They will never learn.

Welcome back to the second night of the Miss All -Organic Competition.

Allow me to introduce to you tonight's brand new panel of celebrity judges.

Dot -com billionaire, entrepreneur, and international playboy, Mr.

Michael Warrington.

Kristen Grayson?

Star of Tomorrowland, Breaking Nightmares, and my all -time favorite,

Howlers? Well, aren't you sweet?

I think I shouldn't be talking to you. I am one of the judges.

But... Oh.

Really? Well, in that case, do you need anything? Eyeliner?

Makeup? Cosmos? Stripper? Anything. I'd love to help. Actually, I noticed that

swinging fruit act of yours.

Fabulous. For a second there, I thought it was an accident.

Oh, no, no, no. It was all part of the act.

Well, how'd you like to take that banana of yours to Vegas?

Vegas?

Vegas? I have so many ideas.

Well, fabulous. Then we'll talk.

Good luck, sweetie.

Next,

we have world -renowned author and psychologist...

the ageless Dr.

Joyce Brothers.

And finally, we have star of stage and screen, the lovely Kristen Grayson.

My wish would be for world peace and a Porsche.

But if I only had one wish, it wouldn't be for world peace because that would

mean that everyone would have to get along with their fellow man no matter

badly they dress.

So I wish for...

A great fashion sense for everybody.

So we can all get along just great.

And now as the judges compile

our top five finalists, let's give a great big hand to all our beautiful

contestants.

And here they are. My best category.

Like to hear your jaw rattle, huh?

You want to know who your killer is?

I'm no fan, but that skirt's afraid of her own shadow.

No way it's her.

Yeah, you'd at least expect a quiet one.

Clear.

Back to now.

Tackle her.

Wonderful. I'm so proud of you.

I've got Kelly's computer here. Someone broke into the pageant files.

Figure out what they're after. Maybe this case will finally crack.

Come on, Kay. Turn on those magic fingers.

Whoa, can I just have two seconds here?

Gee whiz.

I have been a golf hussy and an assassin, and now I'm expected to just

and fix everything? I need a moment to catch my breath.

What'd you do to her?

She can't handle field work, I guess.

Come on, come on.

Get out of the way.

Somebody was in here.

Oh, they tried to cover their text, but you cannot.

Okay, it's far sneakier than you. Mm -hmm.

Looks like they searched payroll and contestant buyout.

Kelly's got some big names coming in for the finals. If we don't have some

answers by then, things could get nasty.

Oh, my.

Honolulu, listen.

Hong Kong and Brisbane.

Did she log on with Kelly's travel agent?

Better than that. Those are all places where Mary Hudson, a .k .a. Miss Epson,

Missouri, competed.

And they also happen to be... Where Carl the Assassin made hits. We found out

from the guys at our job.

Sounds like little Mary's our killer.

Nickster.

Okay, I got her on my site.

Mary, stay right where you are.

Why don't they ever listen?

Need sleep. Got it, Carla?

Carla? But you know me. I'm Mary.

Whatever your name is. Why'd you run? Well, you attacked the makeup guy. You

shot a bitch.

Little Miss Epson's in the clear. She was doing a private strip show for a

couple of crew guys when Meacham was killed.

Always the quiet ones.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. I am just too good.

Whoever hacked into the pageant files printed out a list of judges for the

final. Judges?

Wait a sec. There's new ones every round, right?

Uh -huh.

Of course.

Carla has to stay in the contest so she can be around for the final round of

judging.

Carla's victim is a judge.

So we figure out which of the judge merits a contract at their victims.

Okay, turn that computer into a shovel. We need dirt on our last round of new

judges.

You want dirt?

We've got dirt.

Okay, the first judge is the billionaire CEO of Genitrack Labs.

He did some nasty deals last year. Put a lot of folks out of work.

Judge 2 is a philanthropist. Who would want to kill him?

I've heard of this guy.

Very nasty divorce.

His ex -wife's a psycho.

It's two for two so far.

Dr. Joyce Brothers, we love her.

No dirt there.

Maybe not, but she's a public figure. She's on TV. You never know.

Kristen Grayson.

You know, I read that she backed out on a very big movie deal. Creative

differences.

Cost the producer a million.

He got nuts about it.

You know, any of them could be Carla's target.

Kelly, you may need to make some tough decisions.

Yeah, pull all the judges.

Maybe even postpone the competition.

Do you have anything definitive?

These women have worked too hard to have their entire future ripped out from

under them because you think you have an answer.

Well, we better figure something out fast.

Judges are being defeated.

Oh, my God, I can't find him. Help me.

Mary, we're kind of in a hurry right now. Please, it's my stylist, Renard. I

can't find him. With those two men dead, what if someone hurt him? I'm sure Dr.

Hairspray is around here somewhere.

You don't understand. He is my lucky charm. Every time Renard has been with

I've won.

No, no, it's true.

Lisbon, Hong Kong, Brisbane.

Honolulu? Yeah.

Renard was there, too. How'd you know?

I don't know. Golden, maybe Kennedy. Think it's too much.

May I offer my simple standard?

Too much is never enough.

Oh, you're a very wise man.

And you are a very tantalizing woman.

Ah, you're not the first to notice.

When this contest is over, we should get together.

Oh, my God.

I know exactly why you're here.

You got me.

I was afraid you were too clever.

Yeah, I know. You know what? You're one of those booty hounds that wants to get

close to all the half -naked women in the dressing room.

Pervert. No, no, no. I think it's worse than that.

Way worse.

Renard!

Renard! Renard, it's bikini time! Help!

I've got so much to do.

Dress Mary, kill a judge.

A $5 million contract that I don't want you screwing up.

And now I've got a fit killing you both into my schedule.

Wait right here.

Good move.

Everything's fine.

Oh, come on. You look like a million bucks.

I said take your tape off.

Here come the judges.

Well, no bomb action at the judges' table.

No sign of Renard up here on the catwalk.

I'm coming down.

I don't get it.

How's Renard making his hit? Ladies and gentlemen, in just a moment, we'll begin

our swimsuit parade, and our four celebrity judges will select the brand

Miss All Organics.

You guys heard from Val and Maxine?

Not a peep. Oh, but you can take the philanthropist off the hit list.

His divorce was settled amicably.

Dr. Joyce isn't a target either.

31 years in the business, and she hasn't received a single piece of hate mail.

That's a record.

Two judges down, two to go. And now our celebrity judges are settling in for the

final portion of our Miss All -Organic competition, the swimsuit parade.

Bernard's down there, and he's up to no good.

I mean, he doesn't look like such a deadly assassin. He's just sitting

You can't stop me. It's too late.

more important than a dumb beauty pageant.

I can't believe I just said that. You just said that.

Well, do something.

And now, the swimsuit parade.

Here, take that.

What are you standing up for?

You'll see.

We've got to get the judges out of here. Move.

Okay. Newsflash. Our billionaire settled out of court with his employees to the

tune of $300 million.

That ought to keep him happy.

Let only leave.

Quick. It's Kristen.

Kristen Grayson's the target. Come on.

It's out of town. Come on. Get out of here.

Get down, Dr. Boyce, brother.

It's about time they spiced this thing up a little bit.

Normally, violence is alien to our concept of beauty, but in this instance,

refreshing in its honesty.

Yeah, well, I put my money on a little spunky one.

That's her hitting me, loser.

You ladies all right?

may I suggest a toast to Valerie Irons for making it to the top ten.

Huh? Our very own Miss All Organic.

Speaking of Val, where is she?

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we would like to present a very special award,

part of the Miss All Organic Beauty Scholarship Competition.

Voted on by a group of her peers and supervised by Price's Waterhouse, we

like to present to you, Miss Nikki Franco!

really voted for me?

I think it was the Tesla with the makeup artist and the Mary incident.

And how you whooped Bernard's ass in the finals.

Actually, they're just afraid to vote against you.

Oh, yeah?