Original subtitles

Where's everybody?

Quick and Donnie are at lunch, and Nikki's out picking up some E4.

Oh.

Did you not invite everybody to the staff meeting?

I thought that was your job.

No, it wasn't.

I think so.

We discussed it.

Are you sure?

Uh, I don't remember.

All right, what you've just witnessed here is an example of poor management

skills. Really?

I just thought it was you and Maxine acting really stupid.

Max and I have been acting very non -stupid lately.

We're taking extension course at UCLA for business management skills. And what

did we learn? That there are a lot of cute guys in extension class.

And?

And, oh, that VIP needs a major management makeover.

Yes, so what we need for you guys to do is to write down your duties and who you

are so you can better figure out your role as a VIP.

I found this sucker on the stuff. It's for you, Val.

You need to make this free gift.

Oh, yeah.

Val, Iron D will die.

Yeah. He's not a death threat.

Another one bites the dust.

Oh, Mickey, we need you to write down everything you do at VIP for us. Okay?

hello. She blows things up, I cover your ass, and Kay makes coffee.

Now leave us alone.

Excuse me.

I think I do a little bit more around here than just make coffee.

Also, for instance, my very important research is done.

Hmm.

Is that the IP word?

This little fiber optic company I invested in is merging with a European

conglomerate. Oh, that sounds cool.

I think. Very, very cool.

Hmm. I wonder if I can hack into Protocon's database and take a little

poo at their quarterly report.

Wow.

Employee bios.

This protocon place is a great front for our CIA unit.

Our little fiber optic operation has finally started to turn a profit. And

know what that means? It means our department will finally get the funding

CIA should have given us all along.

Very good, Agent Geiger. Not a moment too soon. Our old friend, General

Ruiz, has resurfaced.

And the agency should have finished that guy in 97.

Soon to be remedied. Do you remember Operation Silent Approach? The coup

scenario. Enables our government to take over the country in 48 hours. Restores

a free market economy.

Worth millions on the open market.

We're finally able to put it into action.

I encoded the scenarios and I hid them in, get this, the employee bios.

That is brilliant.

No one's life is so dull that they're going to check through Protocon's

bios.

But Operation Silent Approach is only a tactical scenario. It's not an action

order. It is now.

Those scenarios are way too good to waste. Do you agree?

Sir, you're asking us to carry out an unauthorized action. Do.

You agree?

No, sir, I do not.

Can take his bio off the employee list.

The beautiful and lethal Valerie Irons.

Flux from obscurity to head an elite Los Angeles bodyguard agency.

They know how to get things done.

Eventually.

Occasionally, my job requires me to unleash my fist of fury.

Well, isn't booty -picking Johnny's specialty, too?

I kick way more.

You get a smiley face sticker on the Val and Max management makeover grid.

Hey,

you want to get that?

Not here yet.

VIP.

Rudely answering phone?

Mr. Sad Face Natasha.

Hola. Bonjour.

I'm so sorry I'm late, you guys. I just felt like stopping on my way in today

and buying a few gifts for my esteemed VIP colleagues.

Oh, you shouldn't have.

What did you get me?

I'm so neat at this. You, get a smiley face for that one.

Coffee. Cute.

Well, I'm just a secretary. I couldn't think of anything else.

Hmm. 100 % silk.

What's with the sudden generosity?

Oh, nothing.

Nothing except my Protocon stock closed at $52 a share yesterday.

Oh, and you spent it all on us?

Val, I own 100 ,000 shares.

Hmm. Well, that must be... Over five million dollars.

Woo! Ha!

Yeah. Mama pajamas.

Oh! I also bought some muffins from my favorite place. And I do mean my

place.

You bought the whole place?

Mm -hmm.

I'm turning it into a cyber muffin cafe. I only suggested that to the owner like

a hundred times.

But now I'm the owner, so it's really gonna happen. The computers are already

their way.

Sounds like you won't be needing VIP anymore.

Oh, no.

Don't worry.

I've decided to keep this job as a hobby. Yeah?

Well, your hobby's been ringing all morning.

Oh, my gosh! I almost forgot my very favorite part. You guys, I rented a

tonight at the Gibson Hotel to celebrate my windfall, and you are all invited to

my party.

It's gonna be so much fun. I got Pictionary, scruples, and a karaoke

La, la, la.

I have to get my hair done.

At night?

You don't know how hard it is to get into this place during the day.

Good dog.

Tonight, something I got to do.

Boxing. Got a boxing match. I'm sorry, babe. But congratulations anyway, huh?

Thanks for the shirt.

I would rather be force -fed a towel and then have it yanked back out.

a security breach.

Someone hacked into the system and actually downloaded the employee bios.

Could have found the encrypted plans.

Could have?

Well, why else would anyone want those bios?

So, who has been sticking their nose in our business?

Username Muffin Girl, a .k .a. K. Eugenia Simmons.

She works for a bodyguard agency, VIP.

If those plans get out, I'll be sweeping cells in Lompoc, and you will be my

broom.

Could I have her terminated?

Not yet.

Round up some men you trust. They don't need the details, just that I want

little Miss Muffin here surveilled.

Find out exactly what she plans to do with that file.

Our friend in South America?

Ruiz just got a temporary stay of execution until we sort this out.

Think about you in the bathroom.

It never.

song, I Do, and 808, and you were so good in that cheerleading movie, Bring

On. I saw it twice.

Yeah. We're down with the whole pom -pom rah -rah thing. Oh, my gosh.

I'm having a party. Come on in.

Party? Who's last? Your party blows.

Oh. Well, my guests should arrive any... Actually, they should have arrived at

least an hour ago. Okay.

Thanks for the invite, but we're trying to return to the next door. I would love

to see you guys back to move.

Will it shut you up? Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Let's hit it with a little sound. Here we go. Okay. All right.

There's a delivery for me?

I'll be right down.

This isn't a pant you made, Miller. Okay?

I'm away.

Oh, it's from the team.

That's so sweet.

Hi. Mom, it's me again.

So, you know that muffin store I told you I bought?

I'm turning it into a cyber cafe.

I drew up the plans this morning with a little help from entrepreneurguys .com.

Package has been sent.

They put muffins in the mess?

Chocolate hazelnut, I believe.

Oh, that was a nice touch.

Yeah, we're having some problems de -scrambling the phones inside the hotel.

But we do have ears inside the room, so we can at least listen in to her side of

the conversation.

Oh, it's really exciting.

I've got the plans right here on my palm top.

You know?

I think they're going to be worth a lot of money.

Well, she's definitely looking for a buyer.

If not, at least I have the plans for myself, right?

Nothing more dangerous than a broker with an itchy trigger finger.

I was thinking, if this little side business works out, I might just quit

Well, she's definitely working alone.

Are your men still in place?

Standing by, waiting for my orders. Take her out.

Oh,

there's nothing missing.

I was just getting ready to play a game of Twister. Will you play with me?

Hey, Twister!

Maybe later. But you know, Val's down at the bar holding three seats just for

us, and they're all kind of hotties down there. I thought we might take the

party down there, huh?

We could go down there for a little while. Yes, I thought I saw Samuel L.

Jackson down there, and I so need to talk to that man about his shaft.

The movie?

Don't let me forget. I wanted to thank Val for the gift basket.

What basket?

The team sent me the nice basket of my mother.

Oh.

When is the time to be gone?

Danger.

Hold for a clean shot.

has left the bakery.

All I have to say is I better not miss my Jackson action. I'm really sorry.

just be a second. I didn't even think that I would need my credit card. And I

wouldn't think of asking you to do this, but you are the hostess and the

millionaire.

I think I remember closing this door.

Oh, I want to remember this party.

I assure you, nothing like this has ever happened to the Gibson.

Don't worry. We have our people running a list of possible perps.

Probably the same Giovanni who sent Val that cut -and -paste hate mail. Yeah,

you know, some freak has always sent me a death threat, then they blow Kay's

room to smithereens. He's probably lurking around here somewhere putting

laxatives in people's room service food.

It would be greatly appreciated if we could keep this whole situation... How

shall I put this?

Subdued?

Well, uh, do you guys have those special oatmeal facial thingies?

Oh, Val, it's not about your face.

Trying to get us free spa passes for our silence.

Of course, you're more than welcome to use our spa facilities any time you

Miss Irons.

Free of charge.

I swear,

I threw something like a Swiss cheese and lead omelet earlier.

You're a booyah for housecleaning.

If your little fun is over, I have a five -star hotel to run.

Good day.

Oh, and by the way, the spa is for registered hotel guests only.

You gotta believe us, Tasha.

Do I get a little smiley face sticker?

This job's got pro written all over it. No one can move in and out of here that

fast.

Let's blow this place before I blow this place.

Doesn't anyone know there's an energy crisis?

You coming or what?

I'll meet you back at the office. I want to check something out first.

I've narrowed the list of Val's would -be assassins to three.

First of all, there's Uber Army Sergeant Greta Kramp.

Oh, she was back in the USSR.

Nope. She was spotted in New York just last week.

And what about Carl Merritt?

Balfour did his second attempt to blow up the Civic Auditorium.

He had to plan to head from prison.

Well, the only other possibility is the mob hitman, Dolman.

And rumor has it, he's living as a born -again Buddhist in Sri Lanka.

Yeah, well, Balfour's land low until we figure out who's trying to do her harm.

That's a good idea.

Where?

Max found a place that no one would ever think to look for her.

Walmart.

Well, I guess that's a place that you won't be seeing anymore.

Actually, I've decided to turn all of my attention to muffin stuff.

I posted my business plans on entrepreneurguys .com just this morning.

looking for investors.

So I can franchise.

Hello, VIP.

Is this Muffin Girl?

Who's this?

Someone who'd like to discuss the plans in your possession.

Oh, my gosh, then your ears must be burning because I was just talking about

you. I've been all over your Internet site.

She made it. It's entrepreneurguide .com.

Your website was very easy to navigate.

She's thrown it in our faces.

And your plans were very useful.

You've already found a buyer?

No. Oh, wait a minute.

You do want first dibs on the plans, right?

We're prepared to offer you more than fair financial...

Wow, this is so exciting for me. Now, I really want to get those plans out

there, exposed, for the whole world to see.

The girl's got moxie. Hasn't even heard her offer yet, and she's already

threatening to expose the plans.

All right, you win.

We'll pay whatever it takes. Now we have to meet.

Uh, okay.

Um, let me just get my date book.

And bring your palm top.

Here she comes.

Hello? It's me.

Oh, hi.

I'm kind of in the middle of something really important right now.

Why don't you go drink your coffee?

Kay, I found a piece of a UV -193 antenna bug in your hotel suite.

Wow.

Val Stalker sure went a long way to track her down.

I don't think so. Not even Val knew she was coming to see you.

That's ridiculous.

If they weren't bugging her, then you're saying they were bugging... That's

right. I think they're after you.

Why? What did I do wrong?

Who's she babbling to?

Well, you obviously have something that they want.

What? And who is they?

Rogue CIA is my guess. The bug is an old company model.

Whoever used it had access.

But they didn't want to leave a paper trail.

Do rogue CIA agents drive black town cars and meet people by desolate canals?

Why? Because I think two of them are after me right now.

Okay, get the hell out of there, now!

Ah, she won't get far. Cell phone bugged with the GPS tracker.

Target has been acquired.

Longitude 36 degrees latitude.

Yeah. Alley two blocks away.

Step on it.

Got it. Yeah, she's holed up in that dumpster down there. Miller and Sykes

the other end secured. There's no way out.

I want to tap on every person she has ever called. I want her credit cards,

ATM card, her Costco card watched like a hawk. If she rents the first season of

Sex and the City at Blockbuster, I want our guy there to give her her change and

a bullet to the back of the skull.

You can run, Miss Simmons, but you cannot hide.

They got into her room? Chances are Kay's cell phone's got a tracking bug in

too.

Hopefully she was smart enough to ditch it in time.

Come on.

You know that phone's on a slow boat to Africa by now.

No, she probably has a new phone with a much better rate, and she's probably on

her way here right now. This is the first place they'd look for her. She

go home. She can't come here. She can't go anywhere she usually goes.

If she can't call us, it'd be like dialing 1 -800 -TAP. That is no enemy of

state.

Well, at least she has her millions to keep her company. Had.

ATM, credit card, direct link to K -Town.

No credit cards?

Okay, now you're scaring me.

Well, Kay's out there. We have to find her.

I'll check the muffin shop.

Mob's always got some CIA goons on the payroll. I'll make the rounds.

Oh, I want to see the Don. I haven't seen him in so long. Can I come?

Sorry, sister.

Grandpa doesn't mess with G -men.

Got to pow -wow with the dark side of the mob.

Quick, and I'll check the Gibson Hotel.

See if we missed anything.

Hey, wait a minute.

Who's going to man the office in case Kay checks in?

I can.

Oh, my God, no.

I can be Kay.

If the CIA is after me, they probably have police on their payroll.

What did the CIA want that I have?

Wait.

He did tell me to bring my palm top.

What have I put on here recently?

Oh, my gosh.

I didn't download employee bios.

I downloaded an assassination plot.

the team.

They couldn't hit the phone.

Wait.

They can trace the call.

Gosh, I have got to get out of here.

Yeah, I got it from my friend Bart.

After he croaked.

Hey.

You're new at this, aren't you?

I guess.

Yeah. Out on your own. No place to run.

Hungry, cold.

Government agents breathing down your neck.

How did you know?

Welfare department's been after me for years.

Hey, get out of there.

Oh, I was just hoping that maybe you would let me buy this really warm coat.

Bart's coat?

What are we talking about?

$100? $100? I'll give you my pants, too.

Oh, no, please don't. Let me see the cash.

Actually, this is so much better than cash.

Oh, yeah.

Uh -oh.

Tiger.

He just inserted her ATM card in a machine, 26th and Ocean, Venice,

I'm on it.

Finally, we meet Mr.

Welfare Man.

All Val had to do was answer the friggin' phone.

changed the ringer when she moved her desk.

VIP. Hey, Val.

Oh, any luck?

Hasn't been by the shop since she bought it.

Oh, there's somebody else on the line. It might be her.

Hello? Why aren't you answering the phone?

I am.

You're not redecorating, are you?

You know, I can't talk right now because Johnny's on the other line. Tell him we

came up empty.

Okay, empty. Got it. Good. Bye.

It's Darth Tasha.

Is she pure evil or what?

I'm still here.

Uh, sorry.

No, Ablo.

Uh, Anglais.

Nikki Franco.

To what do I owe this rare pleasure?

Live with them now.

Take a hike, sweetie.

Where's the love, Nick?

And your grandfather married my mother?

We're family now.

It doesn't have to be a name.

And how do I know that you're not wearing a wire?

Nice.

Well, now that we got that out of the way, I don't think I know any names.

Your pops traded surveillance gear to the spy factory.

So? So my guess is you're following in daddy's footsteps.

You're breaking my neck.

Tell me the name of your inside guy or your pea -sized brain goes extinct.

It's Wells.

Wells.

My computers are here.

Computers are for paying customers only.

Oh, it's okay. I'm the owner. And I'm Britney Spears.

Don't worry, these are my clothes.

Look, I really need your help.

I need to log on to that computer under your email name.

It's a really long story, but it is a matter of life and death.

Pissed someone off in a chat room, huh?

I think I can do that.

This would make a better password, bushpecker or foofy. Oh, foofy all the

How do you like my disco ball?

That's

odd.

Val never uses her computer.

I'll just have to log on and...

Okay, I got it.

It's logged onto the net.

Got it. Muffin stuffed on the corner of Pacific and Market.

Drop the mouse, Miss Simmons. The place

is surrounded.

Clear this place out. Right.

Ladies and gentlemen, health inspector.

Restaurant has just been downgraded to an F.

Rotor, beat these.

It's in the banana nut.

Since when do health inspectors travel in packs?

About the same time we started carrying guns.

Don't make this hard on yourself. There's no way out.

I didn't think we'd catch you, huh?

Honestly, I'm surprised it took you so long.

Word to the wise, I wouldn't be so cavalier when you meet Wells.

He's not a patient man.

What if I told you this was all just a great big misunderstanding?

Well, then, I say it sucks to be you.

Val, can you run the name Wells, please?

All right, quick, can I, uh... This management makeover is just wrong.

Look, I squeezed the contact out of Tony the Weasel.

Val's running it through Kay's machine.

And, of course, it's taking forever.

This computer only has so much RAM, Nikki.

And we're running a complex six -string search with only one cross -reference

point.

What, did you eat Nerdy Flakes for breakfast or something?

She told you she could be Kay.

Here we go.

Andrew Wells, vice president of Protocon Incorporated. Nice work, but we're

looking for a federal agent, not a dot -com dweeb.

Protocon is the company that made Kay a gazillionaire. Well, what's that CIA

clown doing moonlighting in fiber optic land?

Well, if Tasha stopped up on her CIA brain cells, she'd know that Protocon is

only a cover operation.

Why would I think that?

Duh. Even I know that there's at least half a dozen dot -com companies fronting

for government agencies.

Harper's Bazaar, Marquesu.

Andrew D. Wells.

Third in his class.

Oh, look. He's allergic to heavy products.

Give me the address.

Give me the address.

Protocon. Fifth and Santa Monica.

We're not keeping the disco ball.

I'll call Claire.

And Johnny would have to meet you there.

Stop that.

If it isn't the

elusive Kay Simmons.

And the flesh.

Let's talk about the plans, shall we?

I didn't show them to anybody, I swear.

Let's start again.

Consider this your last confession.

You tell me everything, and perhaps I might show you some mercy.

You mean you might let me live?

Um, no.

But I might let your friends at VIP live.

So start at the beginning.

So when the stock price went up, I got curious.

Curiosity.

It's my Achilles heel.

So anyway, I hacked into Protocon's database just looking for some whisper

numbers from the fourth quarter.

And when I saw the employee bios, I downloaded them.

I only wanted to know who ran the company.

I had no idea you had actual assassination plans hidden inside.

So you're saying that you found them accidentally and then you decided to

them. No, that's not what I'm saying at all.

When you contacted me about the plans...

I assumed that you were from this entrepreneurial website that I had

about franchising muffin stuff and that you wanted to get a jump start on my

business plans.

I had no intention of selling your plans, I swear.

And you expect me to believe this?

It's the truth.

We have taps on everybody you've called in the last 48 hours. It's only a matter

of time until somebody slips up. So at this point, Miss Simmons, you are a

handicap.

Bye -bye.

Who

the

hell are you? The teleporting department are kicking your ass.

VIP to the rescue.

That's right, dip thong. I'm so glad you all stopped by. It saves me the trouble

of rounding all you people up.

You got it wrong, Wells.

You're surrounded.

Drop your weapons!

So are you.

Kill them.

Kill them all.

What the hell are you doing?

I gave you a direct order.

Well, you see, as of about two minutes ago, I now report directly into your

boss. Seems Miss Simmons here emailed the assassination plans to the entire

agency. I spammed the entire agency for muffin stuff.

You're going to go down with me, Ganger?

No, I think that this nets me a promotion.

Take him away.

You risked your life sending that email.

Your country owes you a debt of gratitude, muffin girl.

That's right, Kay. You should be proud of yourself.

You did a noble thing, sweetheart.

I knew that if my one small life could be sacrificed to save the lives of

countless others, it would be an honorable thing.

I believe that every man, every woman, every child in America...

has a right to surf the net freely.

We have a right to investigate the companies we're investing in.

Hey, you guys?

Guys, where are you going?

Nice work, Kay.

Guys, come back.

It's amazing what you can see on the Internet these days.

I thought Kay was coming back today.

She is. I think I offered to cover the phone.

You're really taking this management makeover thing seriously.

Yeah. Hello. All of our jobs are equally as important around here, especially

Kay's. Being a secretary is very, very, very hard work. I know because I got a

butt rash from sitting here on that desk.

Well, at least some things are back to normal.

Hi, you guys.

I'm really sorry I'm late today.

Hey, how's everything on Park Place and Boardwalk?

I didn't even pass go and collect $200.

All the bad press about Protocon being tied to illegal CIA activities made my

stock price tank.

Well, at least you got your own muffin shop out of this, right?

Not exactly.

It wasn't officially paid for.

Though, I did order a few muffins before my portfolio sank like a rock.

Oh, yummy. I love muffins.

Good.

Let's just hope you don't get tired of them.

Hey, what's your definition of a few?

Ten thousand.

Well, sounds like things are back to normal.

Oh, well, not quite.

to last forever