Original subtitles

Havana, I beg you to reconsider.

The device in this crate represents five years of work.

It's out of respect for your work that our superiors have been keeping it

hidden.

Do you realize what this means?

The Americans think they're so clever with their atomic bomb.

But this, this will change everything.

It's only a prototype.

Unstable.

This archaeological excavation is plagued by superstitions.

Not to mention the Ubitraps that the Agita Indians have the foresight to

for.

Your device won't be disturbed.

Not some relic hunter I worry about.

With good reason.

They're no friend to us.

We will hide the device here and wait until the right time.

Then we will see the right restorations for our glory.

What's happening, Doctor?

The explosion must have activated the device. Help me!

I told you I was unstable!

Yes, you don't have to tell me about the timetable, but the local demolitionists

keep quitting on me.

They've heard rumors about this place.

Setting off charges is a precision operation.

But I think I know someone who can help.

A demo expert from Los Angeles.

I have to use the landline here so I can't say the name. The lines could be

tapped.

She's the best.

She even comes with her own protection.

Yes, protection. I don't care how much it costs.

Do you think I'm the only one who's after what's buried here?

I really feel like I'm being watched.

Good.

Then I'll bring in a team of them.

And if my hunch is right, we're going to need their help.

The beautiful and lethal Valerie Irons.

Plucked from obscurity to head an elite Los Angeles bodyguard agency.

They know how to get things done.

Eventually.

Deep within the rugged Patagonia lies Argentina's most famous archaeological

discovery, the lost city of Camarena.

Discovered in 1912, this ancient Diaguita Indian settlement has been

abandoned since a mysterious cave -in in 1951.

Was it the site of a meteor crash?

A UFO landing?

Whatever happened here, the legends have kept the locals away for years.

Okay. So it's Raiders of the Lost Ark meets Close Encounters meets Evita.

Well, it's not a movie. It's a job.

The Diaguita Indians ingeniously made use of the natural phosphors, which,

stimulated by torchlight, illuminate the underground passageways.

But beware, the tunnels are guarded by a series of deadly traps to keep treasure

hunters away.

Oh, those Diaguitas were very sneaky people.

Sounds like your kind of people, Tasha.

They're also extinct.

Some treasure hunters never return to the surface.

Recently, archaeologist Alex Quaid has re -excavated Camarena in the hopes of

finding the Aguita gold.

Oh, she's really stylish.

I'm going to need a whole new wardrobe before I go to that Camarena place.

Alex Quaid's mystery benefactor is paying for everything.

Nikki's demolition work and all the VIP protection you can eat.

Dream job, Nick. Getting paid to blow things up. This Alex chick wants

detonations. Pick one.

Okay, but it's still going to be so cool. I mean, mummies and curses and

scared beetles that eat everyone's brains out. Oh, I'm going to need a

sunscreen, just in case there's a windstorm.

Val, it's Argentina, not Egypt.

You are so not fun. I'm not sharing my sunscreen with you.

Don't worry. Quick and I have to stay here to meet Weird Al Yankovic.

The great composer?

The one who did Amish Paradise and Like a Surgeon and It's All About the

Pantheons? Is he going to bring his accordion? Is he going to do a remake of

VIP theme song? Well, Weird Al wants us to design a security system for his

recording studio.

That is the perfect opportunity to unveil the Kovacs 3000.

What?

Even the

service shafts and the air conditioning ducts. completely shut off. Yeah, unless

the burglar's smart enough to hit the right key on your laptop.

Sorry. Not good enough.

No one gets in or out without the tailback 3000 master key.

Don't be home without it.

You know what? If you flush the toilet in Argentina, it goes the other way.

You would know that.

Don't cry for me, Tasha Dexter.

Got something.

An object in a large chamber linked by several corridors.

What are these blinking dots along the cavern walls?

Booby traps.

Nietzsche and Diaghita were very protective.

I want you to map and identify every trap.

Shouldn't we keep scanning for other artifacts?

Yeah, we'll get to them.

VIP is arriving.

Okay, I'm ready to explore the Temple of Durham. And I also brought extra tofu,

because I hear they eat a lot of baby cows here.

Good thinking, Val.

Alex Quaid, I hope your trip went well. Thanks. Nikki Franco, VIP.

This is Johnny, Val.

Can't wait to get started.

Well, the excavation site is stocked with plenty of provisions, as well as

explosives. Look forward to it.

Well... I know why Nikki's here, but why the protection?

That's easy. We're here to help Alex fight the mummies, the icky monsters,

the voodoo curfews.

Yes, there are many legends about the Camarena, but the reality is I'm

about garden variety looters.

It would be a pity if the Diaguiras' treasures fell into the wrong hands.

Oh, Patagonia.

This would be where they make those fabulous fuzzy outdoor clothes.

I hope it's a factory outlet store.

Sorry, this area is closed to the public. I saw you with the sonar.

I want the coordinates.

I don't understand.

Now you understand.

I want the device.

Did you not hear?

I asked you where the device is.

I don't know about any device.

Let me go.

I don't think so.

You know,

for someone who's always digging around in these messy ruins, your hair is

fabulous. Oh, thank you.

Have you met Harrison Ford?

No.

Have you ever been chased by a huge ball like in Raiders of the Lost Ark?

Not yet.

But there are booby traps all over the site.

You see, the Diaghito were very inventive.

For instance, I wouldn't dare step on that footplate.

Or I might be haunted by the mummy's curse forever.

No.

But possibly blinded. You see, stepping on that footplate ignites black flash

powder charge.

Well, I'll just be out here and get some fun.

Are you ready to lock and load? Good, as we discussed.

Mm -hmm.

Nikki's got this whole thing rigged to expose the lower chamber without

it. Excellent.

Don't rub it in.

In that case, I take over from here.

Trap mob.

How do you do?

You know each other?

He's Kloya Trap Mob, rogue Ukrainian general.

Is that closet for anything other than opening pickle jars?

I will learn.

Well, I call my hand the fist of Sauron.

You're a beautiful and lethal valerian, but do you think you're fat enough?

You're about to find out, evil ruckus.

I think I'm all good on that.

Let's put this free.

It's on our map so we can get to the device.

Don't make me kill you.

Don't.

Oh, Alex, watch out. You're about to step on a... Well, a very rare South

American beetle. And remember, we don't believe in killing bugs.

I feel ugly in here about five seconds.

The rumors about a meteor or UFO must be true.

We have to keep excavating. Sure. And when we're done, let's go up north and

find Sasquatch.

I hear he has lunch every Tuesday with Elvis.

You don't believe me.

No, your skin tone and perspiration give you away.

Not to mention that road apple of a story.

During World War II, when the Nazis got wind of the Americans' atomic bomb

efforts, they tried to outdo us.

But we cut off all uranium supplies.

So they began to work on a new type of weapon.

Yeah, Trofimov mentioned a device.

Mm -hmm.

The hyperdimensionality device.

It is based on the Calusa -Klein field unification theories, much like

Einstein's relativity led to the A -bomb.

What are we talking, some kind of dimensional rift?

Sounds unbelievable, I know, but you saw it with your own eyes.

So after all these years, tell me something. How did you and Trofimov end

the same trail?

Well, I recently came into the possession of coded documents written by

scientist named Wachtler.

It pointed to the work here.

But I guess I don't have the only copy.

We know who he works for.

That leaves you.

I am who I seem to be. What, a lying archaeologist?

My only lie to you was about the treasure that I'm after.

Consider this.

If Trophy Moff got wind of the hyper -device, God knows who else has.

It is our responsibility to get it before it falls into the wrong hands.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll leave before you decide to sniff me

again.

Were you really checking out her sweat?

Strictly business, Nikki.

So, anything I should know about before we get zapped to the planet Thailand?

I'm setting a wide perimeter charge this time.

I don't want to activate our little trick -or -treat device.

So, uh, what do we worry about first, huh?

Shelf them off?

Not the disintegrated machine or a client.

Well,

all I know is we need to find this device thing.

We can keep Miss Alex over here on a short leash.

And if you get scared, maybe I should keep you on one.

Yeah?

Maybe you need a little spanking.

Oh, God.

Maybe I'd save the S &M session for later.

and concentrate on that Maxie thing before it turns us into fruit loops and

get sucked into the ground.

And Madame Tasha wants to talk to you.

Hey, guys.

Based on what Val told us, Kay and I have done a little digging of our own.

Trothmov might know a lot more than your little friend Alex.

And we're still checking up on her, too, by the way.

Oh, you're just jealous because she's barking orders at us instead of you.

No, Val.

I just find it hard to believe that an archaeologist came across secret Nazi

documents, okay?

The Russians knew about Dr. Vosler's research after the start of the Cold

Trofmoz might have the closest thing to an instruction manual for the hyper

device. Not to worry.

Tin fingers ain't getting anywhere near this dig.

And you, get your own sonar mask and butt out of our conversation.

Uh, Sasha, she was talking to Alex, not you. Okay, sorry.

We'll be fine.

I've set up security cameras we can monitor.

Okay. Maybe we'll head down there when this client meeting's over with.

Hello?

Oh, my gosh, Val.

We've got to go.

Weird Al Yankovic is here. In the flesh. Got to go.

Oh, don't forget to ask him to do a theme song for VIP.

You know, I thought of something. I was thinking of it all the way over here. I

think you should go something like... Bye, Val.

Oh, thanks a bit. Nice to meet you. I'm Crazy Kay Simmons.

Quick Williams.

Real pleasure. Pleasure.

Okay, I just have to ask you one little thing.

When Al Gore defeated you on MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch, why didn't you ask

a recount?

Kay?

You see, I wasn't actually on Celebrity Deathmatch.

That was, you know, Clay.

As for your security needs.

Right. Security needs. That I can help you with.

All it takes is one little click and one.

It's like your own electronic team of roadies protecting your recording

Great. Well, so now I'm safe and sound. Good to know.

Well, say I need to get to a Pauly Shore film festival.

How do I get out to my car?

It means unlock it, Kay.

Oh, right.

Naturally, that is just as easy. It just takes one little click of the... Hey,

where'd the master key for the KO -VAX 3000 go?

I wonder what this thing is.

Tell them what you told me.

The Russian.

The one with the, how you say, mano de acero.

Fist of steel.

He likes to hang out at the burro tonto.

It's a roving party that sets up in a tent to service the dig workers.

He likes to eat the donkeys, too, and flirt with the girls.

And guess what he always has on him?

Brad Mintz.

He's a palm pilot.

The same one he was wearing when he was here.

Tasha did say Trafmoff might have the instruction manual on the hyper brick.

Maybe it's on the pilot.

We know where the booby traps are.

Trophimoff's information would complete the puzzle.

Muchas gracias, Pedro.

Good work.

Muchas gracias.

Now, someone has to find that Palm Pilot.

You're just an archaeologist, right?

You wouldn't know where to begin.

Did you say sleazy cantina?

I know just the host for the job.

In that case, bring some men.

Okay,

that's the plan.

We distract them and grab the farm pilot.

Oh, when they said smoothie cantina, I thought they meant like in Star Wars

the fuzzy cuddly creatures and that oboe player with the head like a human butt.

Val, this was your idea. You can handle it, right?

I guess.

We don't have to imagine everybody naked like they do in public speaking.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a very special treat for you tonight.

Straight from their recent five -night engagement in Saskatoon, Canada, we

present El Baperon and her subject, the one we call Nathan Conrad.

We'll be right back.

Drop your weapons.

Now.

What have you got?

They're with me.

Brilliant. You just let the jaboni get away.

You know, I can see right through those snappy clothes.

Well, not literally.

United States Department of Defense.

From now on, we do this my way.

Great. We're stuck in here.

Call Val. I'll keep Weird Al busy. Maybe he won't notice.

What a brick Alex turned out to be. That's the last time I get fooled by

rich hair.

Well, don't set standards you can't live up to.

Anyways, we've got a real problem here.

You didn't go into my super -secret snack drawer, did you? You know, it's

hard to find those really special vintage Pringles. You can't get them

anywhere. No, I can buy my own Pringle.

Well, I can't believe anything else could be as important as cutting me off

I'm talking to you about our problems, okay?

We're practically prisoners here.

By the U .S. government?

No. Is Alex trying to kill you? No. Do you have enough food, water, and fresh

air?

Oh, come to think of it, it is kind of fresh out here.

I'm not in here!

Nothing to worry about, Al. Just a little client problem.

Let's take a look up that nose.

Perfect.

You haven't by any chance seen Kay's electronic key, have you?

Maybe.

But can't you call the security company?

Call the security company? Hey,

lady, can you hear me?

If the word gets out that BIP have locked themselves in their own offices,

can just kiss all future work goodbye. Do you have the key?

Uh, well, is it a little thing that kind of looks like a garage door opener and

say, uh, KLVX 3000 on it?

Open it up. Read the pin settings to me. Stat so I can duplicate the signal here

on my computer.

Is that really you, Kay?

Oh, no. See what happens when you get stuck in the same room with a woman? You

get on the same cycle. Now you're permanently PMS like Tasha.

I saw it on a Discovery Channel on a special on prison.

It's just that it's getting a little too close in here, okay, Val?

Okay, okay, gosh.

Let's see. Oh, oh. Okay, I see your little pin thingy. Okay, the settings

2, Val, 7, 8, 4, 9.

Did you get that, Tasha?

Okay. Kay?

Val?

Oh, Val. No, no, no. No.

Oh?

Tasha? Kay?

Hello?

Oh, no,

you've been using your cell phone too long. You've got to know that taking

out in the middle of a call is going to cut us off.

Would you save the dissect for your opponent?

It's not an act. And you're not as smart as you think you are.

Would you stop fighting me?

I may still need your help to stop Truffy Moff.

Well, we're fighting you because you weren't honest with us. Well, I'm just

used to trusting people, and you are not giving me any reason to think

otherwise. Excuse me.

I hired the world's greatest bodyguard, and I get forced very quick.

General Trophy Moth?

Listen to me closely.

Vodka. Alex Quaid.

A little of my country's finest.

Enough with the pleasantries.

Listen to what I'm offering.

You want the hyperdimensionality device.

But you won't get it.

Not while I control the dig site.

And you won't be able to control the device even if you live to find it.

Exactly. We each want the device for our own government.

But failing that, what's the next best option?

Tell me, General.

To make sure no one else gets it.

That is why we must work together.

I can take us through the booby trap.

You can control the device.

Together?

We destroy it.

And the VIP?

Well, they'll help me excavate the site and find the hyperdevice.

After that, they're dispensable.

Nasta rovia.

Nasta rovia.

God, it's not as nasty as I thought it would be out here.

One of them is both.

Take

care

of that.

Hey, how's the new boyfriend?

I have no idea what you mean.

You know, you two ain't any closer. They'll have to chisel you apart.

Do you want the Ukrainians to get the hyper -device?

Do you?

A country of seven million people, hardly enough bread, not to mention

water. Do you think they would even hesitate to use it?

How do we know that you're not helping Trofimov, huh?

Because it's my job not to.

Yes, I agree to work with him because we need the instructions.

But I never had any intention of keeping my promise.

Talk is cheap to these Americans.

That's why it's so easy to lie to them.

We'll use Alex Quaid together through booby traps, then we'll kill them all.

As we discussed, My people will stay with you, and your people can keep watch

over me.

Exactly.

Keeps everyone honest.

This is just like West Side Story. Jets on one side, sharks on the other.

Let's get ready to rumble.

The only thing that can rumble on this ground.

Nikki, what did you do this time?

Well, we don't shoot either of these dudes, right?

Uh -huh.

So I added a little something extra.

Unless she grabs something stable and Nikki hits the button.

Are we ready?

Yeah, I set the charges wide like you asked.

It should expose the quarters without triggering the hyperdufus.

After you.

It worked, didn't it?

Come on.

Let's go find Val and Al.

No.

We find the hyper -device.

The tunnels are lined with booby traps, you monkey. It's suicide.

I know.

That's why you go first.

We have to find the hyperdevice.

Stay close to me.

I memorized the location of the booby traps.

Oh, I'm supposed to trust you even though you don't trust anybody.

Comes with a job.

You know, you don't have someone else I know. Former KGB agent that now works

for VIP.

She didn't trust anybody either.

Hard -pulling.

You know, and I just realized Natasha didn't like being that way. It made her

act mean to people, break out in bad places, and belch a lot.

Oh, let me guess. You cured her.

Well, not completely. That's for sure.

But at least she knows I'm watching her back and she's watching mine. She won't

admit it, but I know she's happier that way.

Well, I always put my job before my personal needs.

That's just the way it's got to be.

Oh, my God.

I lost my focus.

Well, that's okay because I saved you.

You know, if you were really cool, you would destroy the icky green light

just like you told Tropimov.

You know, some things are just plain wrong.

Like eating animals and watching the planet I love getting.

I don't get it. You are in the office every day.

Why are you letting this get to you?

I am in the office every day.

I'm going to light a little safety flare.

Try and get the stench out of here.

Wow, you guys cover everything.

And time.

Seven hours. You are good.

You know, that's the contract signing record.

We could use a change.

Second breakfast.

Breakfast is ready. Oh, cool.

Look at you, still getting the kick out of this, huh?

I mean, like all our clients who go through the vigorous VIP testing

Hey, I just spent the last year and a half on a tour bus with a bunch of

guys. You kidding me?

This is great.

It didn't shish kebab you.

Onward, please.

Go, go.

The hyper -dimensionality device.

Okay, now fine. Let's go give it to the government so they can do something

awful with it, like clone an army of mutants or turn off the sign or do

stupid Blair Witch sequel.

You were right, Val.

Or get the cubs to win the World Series. What did you say?

You were right.

A what?

Yeah.

No one should have the hyper device.

I'm going to destroy it.

Wow, it's just like Luke trying to convince Darth Vader that he was a good

Take that passageway.

It leads to a stairwell out of here.

I'm going to wait here and kill Trophy Moth.

Okay.

Your wait is over.

Sorry about... No, no, it's okay. I got it covered.

We had this... Special gizmo made to turn on the hyperdevice if you don't

out right now, Buster.

Impossible. Only I know how to operate it.

Val!

Don't question me, Nicky.

Alex and I have had this figured out for months.

So if you were smart, you'd drop the gun right now and surrender.

He'll never surrender.

He'll kill us. Oh, yeah?

Hello?

Oh, God. It worked.

The clicker's microwave must have kicked it into gear.

You fools!

Bummer. Now you're going to taste the best of fury.

There's everyone.

You know what?

It's like that movie Alive, that cannibalism movie where they ate

Hey, Val, can I keep this outfit?

Yeah, sure, Weird Al.

Thanks. Wow, who'd have guessed we're exactly the same size?

What's with Kay?

She kind of freaked because we got trapped in HQ.

Kay's always in the office.

Not with us.

Yeah. Kind of makes you wonder what she does when we're not here.

Weird Al, did you compose some super -duper cool VIP theme song for us?

No, but I did make this nice sculpture of you completely out of my own dryer

lint.

Another detailed look inside the lives of the VIP associates.

Today's profile, Nikki Franco on explosives.

You want to know my role on VIP?

I'm the chick that blows stuff.

Being a bodyguard, things can get kind of ugly.

But then there's the days that make it all worthwhile.

Those are the days that things go boom.

When I signed on to the agency, I had no idea how explosive things would be.

Nikki is our resident demolition expert.

She knows everything there is to know about bombs and plastic.

It really started out like kind of a hobby. You know, blowing up and melting

down plastic army men.

Nikki's probably the best out there. I'll take that back.

She is the best.

C4, nitroglycerin, or cornerstones of any nutritious bomb.

In a pinch, I can throw together a Molotov or a rigged -up explosive with a

household items.

She's kind of a lot like MacGyver that way, although...

She's not as handsome.

If you ever need something blown up, Nikki's your girl. They're not supposed

blow up, but somehow they always do.

Well, sure I can disarm the suckers, but where's the fun in that?

Did she say that she could disarm it?

Yeah. I gotta have a word with her.

Do me a favor.

Don't let any of the others know that I can disarm them.