Original subtitles

Some dude spills his beans on national TV and we don't even get his name.

Come on, Nick. You saw the insider.

That's how it works with whistleblowers.

Right. Every dweeb that has a grudge over a bad parking space thinks he's

Russell freaking Crowe.

Could be Cameron Crowe for all I care.

Supposed to look for a Kings fan.

I'm about to be quiet now.

new roses.

Yeah, the roses, man.

What'd you think was in there?

Oh, nations.

Sorry, man.

Give me those roses.

What are you guys, crazy men?

Who are you guys?

We're the good guys.

VIP.

You guys gotta help me. They're gonna kill me. Please.

Well, at least we're gonna make it hard for them. Come on, let's get you to dry

land.

The beautiful and lethal Valerie Irons.

Flux from obscurity to head an elite Los Angeles bodyguard agency.

They know how to get things done.

Eventually.

It was in my mailbox.

One of my colleagues has already vanished, and another, he had an

He fell out of the window on the 22nd floor.

Ouch. Rest assured, Mr.

Vardabedian, we will set up a four -pronged protection and surveillance

No, no, no, no, you can't be protecting me. Then they're going to know that I'm

the whistleblower.

The network folks who hired us don't even know.

Tony, don't worry.

We'll keep you here on ice until you do what the 365 show. Safe?

Simple.

You don't get it, okay?

Glomar Petroleum knows there's a rat. It's only a matter of time before

going to figure out it's me.

Pause, rewind.

We've heard nothing about Glomar Petroleum.

Wait a minute.

You're not that insider.

365's been promoting this story like crazy.

High octane or cancer cocktail?

It's a special live broadcast.

Some unnamed mystery oil company has been selling carcinogenic gas for years,

and they knew it.

Well, five of six of us knew it.

Wow. You must be really high up.

I'm a chemist, actually.

See, when they came to me to develop a clean, super -efficient gas ASAP, I knew

that something was wrong.

Well, sounds like they're cleaning up their act literally.

More like covering their tracks.

I mean, the stuff they've been cranking out there for ten years, it's cut with

the cheap dibutyl carbon synthetics just to make it go further. Of course,

everyone knows, I mean, you expose that to oxygen and... And the free radicals

just go off the charts.

This is serious.

It's worse than radioactive fish tacos.

You guys, it is imperative that we deliver Tony to the 365 show alive.

That's what's going to happen.

For real, if Glomar Petroleum gets any wind that I'm breaking my routine at all

in any way, okay, they're going to know it's me.

Nick?

Tony, let's take a walk.

There's this wicked soda machine I want to show you.

Tony's right.

We're going to have to go undercover to watch his back.

Yeah, I could cop some threads from Westgate Security, patrol the hood at

I could pose as a cable gal, take a day shift.

You know, Johnny's pretty good with a hammer.

You think Tony could use a carpenter? I hate to be a costume party pooper, but

there might be an easier way.

The house across the street from Tony is for rent.

Grassy lawn, white picket fence, and front row seats right into the client's

living room. It's great.

Well, it's nice that Kay and Tasha helped us move.

Tasha's over at Tony's crew putting up a surveillance camera.

Kay's vetting the neighbors.

Well, I guess I better take that back.

Everyone's busy.

Yeah.

Not quite.

Coming through, coming through. Make way for the happy homemaker.

Oh, suburbia.

You know what? It looks just like they make it look like on TV.

What's with the launch box on steroids?

We've got everything here we need.

Going to cover much? They're going to think I'm a poser if I don't change my

wardrobe every few hours.

Hello.

Guess who's the welcome to the neighborhood committee?

Me. Peggy Applebaum.

365.

365?

You're not supposed to know we're here.

Come on. I live two doors down.

365. See?

You. Three, six, one.

Me, three, six, five.

Oh, I baked them fresh this morning just for you.

So, are you all moving in?

Oh, well, um, just, uh, me and my better half over here.

I'm Lucy, and this is my lovely husband, Desi.

And this is my much older sister, Grace, and her husband, Wilder, helping us

move in.

Oh, super.

You know what? I'm going to let you kids get settled in.

Oh, and if you need a hand, shout.

Don't pout.

Time for an undercover makeover.

Yeah, perfect.

Oh, no. Mr. Feng Shui says flowers above eye level cross -contamination.

Oh, good.

My scope's here.

I'm keeping the upstairs bedroom window clear for my sniper rifle.

Talking about my ceramic rifle, which I use as a planter. And we can put it

right here next to my telescope for when I stargaze.

Thanks,

guys.

Have a muffin.

I don't do domestic.

I'm going to go relieve Quick and Nikki from Tony detail.

What do you want me to do?

Why don't you keep an eye on Tony's house?

Make sure no one steals it.

Hey, how's that for together?

Hey, he's got you paired up with Johnny for the late show. Come on, man.

You trying to make a point or just make him breathe?

That's a beautiful thing you're doing.

Two colleagues working side by side.

One vet man, two bodies, co -mingling.

Keep it up, Dator.

My fist will come into your face.

Wow, nice shoes.

Nice buy with my little eye.

when he has problems.

Hold right there.

I'm letting Susan think.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on. Hang on.

Tofu omelet.

Not bad.

Didn't you just move in across the street?

the one asking the questions, buster.

Okay. Uh, are you a vegetarian?

Vegan.

And, uh, I'm just here to pick up Tony's recyclables right behind you.

See?

Are you a pecker?

Do I recycle?

It's our duty to the environment.

By the way, I'm Blake Thompson.

Uh, Lucy.

McGillicuddy. Lucy.

So, um, do you live around here?

Yes. Just, uh, moved in, uh, like a stone's throw away. Across the street.

there.

See?

That sounds nice.

Maybe we should go for a macchiato sometime.

Like, um, maybe now.

Um, what would your husband think?

Husband?

Well, on my morning run, I saw this guy leave your house. I just assumed.

Oh, oh, oh, him. Well...

We're getting a divorce.

Really? Yeah.

How sad.

Well, not really.

It's just a marriage of convenience. He married me so he could work here.

And I just married him because I wanted a cruelty -free wardrobe, because I'm a

member of PETA. Oh, you're kidding.

I'm on the board of advisors.

Really? Yep.

So, uh... If you have any recyclables,

cans and jars and stuff, just...

Don't hesitate to let me know. I'll come right over and pick him up.

Tons of heat just pounding out everywhere.

Plastic, cans, paper, newspaper.

Okay.

See ya.

Well, I gotta buy some cans.

Have you been?

I got a company poised to be the next Titanic if you don't earn your pay.

The ship, not the movie.

Yeah, well, I never saw the movie.

I heard that chick had some real nice ones, though.

Where are we with our potential whistleblowers?

Let's see.

All right.

Benoit, he skipped town.

Manning lost his balance.

Fell out of a window.

All right, let's see if you can sense the eye in this next one here, okay?

I show up ready to whack the next guy, right?

He's already dead.

Guy had an embolism while he was watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.

I guess he ran out of lifelines, huh?

Nice.

Problem is, 365 hasn't pulled the story.

Which means you haven't found the right guy.

Hey, hey, hey.

Be cool, my friend, okay? I will be checking Tony Vardabedian next.

I guarantee it.

Let me know.

And Paco, if you screw up, I already got someone to take your place.

Thou made everyone lunch for their Tony -watching

show.

I have monkey man trading cards!

Peaking. I put a little treat in everyone's lunch that kind of matches

personality.

There's nothing in my bag.

Don't you just love suburbia?

It kind of reminds me of Canada, except for it doesn't have all the beautiful

trees and mountains and... But that's beer.

A veggie burger on toast.

Oh, and the neighbors are beautiful. They're amazing.

I just met this guy who totally looks like Al Pacino's best friend in

Blake Thompson.

I don't remember vetting a Blake Thompson, okay?

Nope. But we did only run a two -block radius.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Me.

Picture.

I see you've already made some friends.

Oh, four.

Is this more family?

Definitely not family.

This is, um, Alan and Ann.

They're gay.

I just love what you've done. Okay, Peggy, thanks for stopping by. Listen.

Nice undercover work, Ellen.

Not neighborly. Hi. Hi. Oh, yes, right up here.

I must get that banana muffin recipe for me. It was so delicious.

Anytime. I'm so glad.

Hey, look here. I got a lead on Val's mystery man.

Does it say he's a masochist? They did.

He roughly matches the description of Elaine Meyer.

That's his name.

Blake! Hey.

Um, I didn't put you in, but I have guests.

Ah.

Well, maybe tonight.

When, uh, there's less of an audience.

Okay.

Tonight's the big night.

What do you mean, big night?

You and Nicky.

Alone.

Night shift.

Quick, we're just friends.

Got it?

Just friends.

Alone.

Night shift.

Testing.

Testing. Are you guys still there?

How many times do we have to tell this guy? It's not a two -way radio.

Got a light?

Yeah, sure.

Thanks.

Things are clear.

Done.

Hey, buddy, you got the tie?

Hey! I don't know!

Stay with the client! Stay with the client!

Okay?

Hey, buddy, what the heck's going on?

Hey!

You tell me what you know, I got some whoop -ass with your name on it. I know,

huh? Come on.

Go ahead. Do

your worst.

I'm not the only one that they hired.

What does that mean?

Okay, okay, wait.

They were pretty sure Tony was the one.

They had an inside guy.

That's a good look for you.

Yeah. Sit back and enjoy the ride, huh?

So how long you been driving cab?

Cab? Oh, no, man.

This here's my lean, mean Hollywood networking machine.

What do you think, Michael Eisner's gonna hop in and offer you a job?

Nah, see, I was thinking more along the lines of one of those hot chicks from

Sex and the City.

Or that wildcat Zina.

Look, man, I hate to cramp your style, but I gotta keep him off the map for 48

hours. I mean, I can't even have the cops talking to him. I could put my

at risk. How far of a ride are we talking?

Do my regards to Broadway.

Manhattan, here we come!

Cleaver, resident.

Lucy.

Blake, hi.

How are you?

Good. Good, I'm good.

Are we still on for tonight?

Uh, oh, just one second. I got a beat.

Hola. Val.

Hi. You know, I have a really important phone call on the other line. I have to

take it.

Business. What kind of business?

Telephone solicitor.

They have this really cool electronic monkey they give you if you sign up for

another service right now. Quick and Johnny found out there's an inside guy

after Tony.

Blake fits the M .O.

Oh, as if. You were just so jealous that I found a cute guy.

I'm not jealous. And stay away.

Fine. I gotta go.

Monkey boy awaits.

Blake? Don't me.

I meant Blake, who you want me to stay away from, right?

Good.

Blake?

Yeah, about tonight.

What time do you want to pick me up?

Going somewhere?

Out. You're not going out with Blake. You know how I feel about him.

I am so not going out with Blake. I'm going to do laundry.

Not dressed like that.

That's all I have left.

When will you be home?

One or two.

Eleven thirty. No later.

You better start listening to me, Missy.

You look spiffy.

Thanks. I have a big date with Blake.

What about Jesse?

I left him.

How long does it take to get a pizza?

Tony spends every Friday night at Vincenzo's. Any change from his regular

routine and it's a dead giveaway.

Yeah, well, he better come back with a large pepperoni because I'm starving.

Is that Nicky and Johnny?

Your plan is working.

You didn't put them together on the night shift thinking.

I got in that.

I don't think so, karate boy.

Hey.

Ow.

So.

I have a wonderful day planned.

Oh, yeah?

Start with dinner, dancing, and it all begins with a fabulous trip to the one

and only house of Tony.

Oh. I never got to the recycling show.

Sound like fun?

Sorry to ruin your little fun, but I just talked to Quick.

Tony never gave Blake permission to pick up the recycling.

Aha! My idea to lift Blake's fingerprints off of Tony's recycling bin

got a match.

What did it say?

That Blake Thompson is Lane Meyer, the international hitman.

That's only half the problem.

Check this out.

You know, I really love your passion for the environment.

Um, my bin's full.

I'm in a bra.

Oh, come on. They make a cute couple.

Only Val.

I believe my exact words were, stay away from him.

He's a hitman.

What are the chances of a devoted recycler being a hitman?

My head is starting to pound.

My spidey sense is never wrong.

Hang on, Tosh. Maybe this is good.

We can use Val to keep this dude distracted, off balance, away from Tony.

Just till the 365 broadcast.

Fine. Then you keep an eye on him.

Well, we could all watch him.

Guess he's coming for brunch.

looks tight.

Yeah.

I need you to limit the crew to essentials when we get the client here.

Just get him here alive.

He'll have the same security we used with Arafat. What do you think about pre

-recording the interview?

Reduce his exposure?

Oh, that's a great idea.

Why... God, why didn't I think of that? Pre -record live TV.

Hmm.

Hmm. Maybe you got some brilliant programming ideas, too. Who says it has

live? The, uh...

Great and powerful ratings, God. People today, they want the story. It's got to

have some urgency. It's got to have action. Bright colors. Shiny objects.

Exactly.

You know what? The bottom line is, you guys are paid a boatload to keep this

breathing until tomorrow night.

Just make sure you do your job.

Our surveillance gear is all tucked in, and now we can take turns watching Tony

from upstairs.

Dang, this is the bomb.

Oh, my gosh.

Where did you learn to set such a beautiful table?

Well, you know, I fell asleep in front of the Home and Garden Network once, and

I woke up and I knew how to make a napkin into a wand.

I smell roasted garlic, red peppers.

Oh, that is fabulous. Oh, the way we got this job covered.

All right, so we trade shifts, have somebody upstairs all afternoon.

Well, Blake thinks we're married.

I heard you tell him we're getting a divorce.

That's not going to come cheap. You should know that.

So should you.

I can't have my future ex -husband sitting here looking at the back of my

the entire brunch.

Hide upstairs.

And miss this feast.

We'll get you a doggy bag.

Shoot, come on.

Come on, I'll just say that you're sick or that you're hanging out with the guys

at Hooters.

All right, just make sure you get me a doggy bag, all right? Don't forget me.

Oh, I'll get it, I'll get it. Hey, hey, watch what you say today.

Okay, I don't care what your spidey sense tells you. This guy's deadly.

How do you know they're his fingerprints anyway?

Any hitman could have touched that recycling thing before he did.

Um... Um, I actually recycle just as a hobby. I'm a freelance consultant

for an executive search firm.

As in Headhunter?

Well, I'm, uh...

My mom wanted me to be a hedge drinker.

But I blew grad school.

Okay, everybody.

Soup's on.

Well, it's more of a bit. Or something like that.

Please.

Thank you.

Allow me.

My, what a gentleman.

Mr. McGillicuddy.

Oh, uh, Tibet. Uh,

he's, uh, renting a movie in Tibet. He's there on, um, business.

You know, you just missed him. He called just a few minutes ago, just before you

got here.

Yeah? Yeah.

I'll be right back.

I'll be right back.

Wait, um, what's so interesting upstairs?

A baby.

Mickey and Johnny's.

Yeah, we just got one.

Huh. We're thinking of adopting, too.

Oh, really?

A little baby girl from China.

It might take us a while.

Do you like some coffee, sweetheart?

Last one.

Copped it off Tasha's plate.

How's our guy doing?

Looks like some Tai Chi would do him some good.

I feel kind of bad for the guy.

I mean, Mr. Olympic going against corporate bad cats.

It takes guts.

He's got him.

How's Blake holding up?

The guy's smooth as a piston.

Who's that?

Good thing you called.

Our friend Paco has flown the coop.

What do you got for me?

I want all the evidence destroyed.

Every living, breathing piece.

He's so suave and funny and cute.

I know, I know.

Shh, he's coming back.

I've never seen pink furry hand towels before.

They're nice.

Okay, well, now that you're all clean, Blake and I are going to go for a little

after brunch drive.

Anybody want to come? No? Okay, we'll go along. Bye.

Nice meeting you. Bye. Have fun.

You know, Val never introduced us to Blake and his gay friends, okay?

Just Peggy.

Does that mean I have to do the dishes alone?

Yeah, and you're going to go finish the billing at VIP.

Do you ever meet someone really special, but the timing

is completely wrong?

Oh, kind of like that time I met John Travolta after Staying Alive, but before

Pulp Fiction.

I was thinking more of someone, like, really special. Like, someone

who could change your life.

Oh.

But that person maybe wasn't completely honest

about their life.

Maybe they have a job that they told me they didn't have?

Right. and that job made it impossible for them to be together

like maybe that person is a sailor

no no no but but yeah but there is

travel involved i mean yeah yeah professional hitman

Nice ride.

Why do you want me to ride like this?

Santa never brought me one.

Okay. Okay.

Rewind. No trouble.

I'm going to step out of the car.

I'm going to leave the keys.

All right? Nice and easy.

Easy.

No, Val.

Just get out.

Leave the keys.

Leave my car.

Val, just get out.

Boys, let's take it easy now.

All right.

You see?

No problem.

Don't!

I hate it when Tosh is right.

Your keys.

Now.

Oh, my God.

It's him. You were right.

It's him. He's the bad guy.

Blake is the bad guy. He twisted this guy's arm all the way up over his head

like a pretzel.

Oh, my God. He's chasing me. I'm in a car chase. What do I do?

down, Mr. Fake Recycler Hitman Liar.

I'm not the only one who's a liar, Miss Val Irons.

Well, at least I'm not a hitman like you are.

I'm not really a hitman.

Start talking.

All right.

I work for Consumers Power.

It's an advocacy group who wants to protect Tony by any means necessary.

You see, I really do recycle.

So you don't kill people?

Well, I have in the past.

They were all bad.

How did you know that Tony was the insider?

The phone number for 365 was in his recycled paper.

Problem.

If Blake figured it out, so could someone else.

The hitman I put in Judson's trunk said there was an inside man.

We thought it was you.

Then we have another problem.

Who's guarding the client?

From down the street.

Hi.

That's really a new look for you.

Yeah, it's kind of kicky, don't you think?

Plus, it goes great with my gun.

He does most of the work.

Let's look at the animated footprint, and I want you to really follow them,

right? Start turning with the left foot, gradually to the left. The right comes

together to it. Small step to the left and the top.

V .I .P.

Okay, keeping an eye on Tony? Oh, yeah.

Eyes and ears.

Copacetic? Yep.

That nosy neighbor Peggy is over again.

Probably trying to pass off some of those icky dry cookies of hers.

Hold on.

Enjoy your last few breaths, because when they everything's gone, so are you.

Look, there is another document, okay? I think it's under this stack over here.

I don't know.

You're not very organized for a lab rat kind of guy, are you? No, I've been

under a lot of stress.

You know what?

That won't be a problem for long.

Wait a minute, okay?

There's another document.

It's back in my office.

Great. Why don't we just get going?

And I got a big freaking gun pointed at your head.

Take it easy.

Nobody move, and nobody gets shot in the chest at close range. Sound good to

you, Tony? Look, just do what she says, all right? She means it.

It's okay, Tony. We'll save you.

Don't stop him, Val.

I said, Tony.

Get out of the car.

Get out!

Good. All right, everybody's all right here? Everybody's okay?

Look, Tasha and Johnny are on their way to clean up the TV studio. Tony, your

story just got pushed up to breaking news.

Well, you guys go ahead with Tony. I'll stay and watch her.

I don't know. I don't think that's a good idea.

Hey, don't leave me with him. He's gonna kill me.

What, like you were gonna do to him?

Blake.

I'm just going to turn her over to the police.

Alive.

Trust me.

Why should I?

Because you're an excellent judge of character.

All right, guys, we got to get out of here. Come on, the studio's waiting.

go.

Thanks for saving the day.

Go.

You still owe me a soy maquillado.

I guess pretty much even what I'm trying to say is that multiple memos from our

department to my superiors indicated that they knew that the current formula

lethal.

Well, Tony, from what you told us, it looks like... What happened to Peggy?

you kill her?

No.

Cops arrived like five minutes afterward, you know.

You're a good guy.

Thank you.

It's not going to work between us.

I have very strong convictions.

I don't eat meat.

I don't cheat at Yahtzee.

And I don't date guys who kill people.

Well, wait a minute, wait a minute.

You're a professional bodyguard and you shoot people all the time.

Yeah, to maim them, not to kill them.

See how wrong we are for each other?

Keep recycling.

I'm good for your karma.

Okay.

I'll see you.

Well, you deserve a rape.

Yeah, I don't have time to spend the money I make here.

Of all the hip clubs.

In all the towns of California, he has to walk into mine.

Why do I always go for the professional killer types?

He was really cute.

Speaking of killer types, I wonder what happened to that guy Quicken Johnny

caught.

The Big Apple.

The city that never sleeps.

Lady Liberty's town.

Fun city.

I'll tell you something, man.

You can make it here.