Original subtitles

you

Unless you see this guy.

And try not to blow him too full of holes.

Doman says his blood can cure everything from cold to cancer.

If he loses too much, we don't get paid.

This place gives me the willies.

Denver, save yourself a lot of pain. If I have to go in there, you're coming out

in chunks.

Sure you don't want to give up?

Sorry, you're too valuable.

I don't want to go in there.

Last chance.

All I needed was a little bait.

I don't suppose that's your perfume I smell.

Quite feminine.

I'm lucky you haven't by now. Who are you?

VIP.

It's your service.

Your friend, Dr. Landisberg, hired us.

He didn't tell you we were coming?

I've been laying kind of low since I learned people were trying to kill me.

We were hired to bring you back to the States.

Yeah, well, that's what they were going to do.

Yeah, but with us, you'll be alive.

The beautiful and lethal Valerie Irons.

Plucked from obscurity to head an elite Los Angeles bodyguard agency.

They know how to get things done.

Eventually.

Those meat hooks find you, or did you find them?

The Amazon, if you don't know what danger is, you don't last long.

Dr. Landersburg said living in the Amazon is heightening your senses.

Not to mention telling you to go walk in penicillin factories.

Yeah, well, Dr. Bob has his theories.

When did he hire you guys?

Three days ago.

Ah, I'm impressed you got a river so fast.

Well, we cashed in some favors with the Brazilian Navy.

Unless you say we didn't exactly get our passports stamped.

Just as well. I don't have a passport.

I haven't left the Amazon in 23 years.

What happened?

Did you catch a flat tire and couldn't make it to a service station?

No, I moved here from Portland with my parents when I was 10.

They were bio -researchers looking for new wonder drugs.

They both passed away last year.

Sorry.

Yeah, they were great.

I always knew I wanted to carry on their work. I never guessed it'd be like

this. With you as the research subject, how'd you find out? Six months ago, I

was having some routine blood work done in Tomar. I discovered an unclassified

antigen in my system.

Next day, a kid comes in, he's low on blood, has vile meningitis.

So I donated some of my blood, and he was back playing with his friends the

afternoon.

Before he got out.

Lion bullet ant.

She makes her nest in a very uncomfortable place.

You got anything else to wear on the plane?

Yeah, I think I got some of my dad's old clothes.

Okay, the change of the airstrip. Anything to attract less attention.

I can't believe this Kyle dude's been stuck in the Amazon since the disco era.

Well, a lot of things have changed since.

The Berlin Wall, the Soviet Union both collapsed.

Well, whatever with that, someone's going to have to break a chain that

Vader is Luke's father.

Hey, here they come.

What's up with Disco Dan?

Oh, no,

it's worth any thought.

Hey, guys.

Kyle, I'd like you to meet Johnny Lowe.

Hey. How you doing?

I'm Valerie Irons. I'm Miss Irons.

It seems great. I already feel safer than a baby croc in his mother's mouth.

Well, L .A. is a jungle, too, and if you're going to wear that outfit, you

get jumped by the cast of Forever Plaid.

They're a West Side Street gang, so don't let her bamboozle you.

I want to be careful Kyle can tell when you're lying.

He happened to mention it after we played some cards.

It's a little trick I picked up from the Kayapo.

Let me see your hand.

Well, it's a good thing I don't lie.

Human lie detector.

Bring it on.

I've got one. Did you charge $300 on my credit card to the psychic pals?

I have enough psychic pals. I don't need to buy them.

True.

Okay. Well, then how did 2 ,000 new miles appear on my car odometer over the

weekend?

Max and I know nothing about it.

Stray as an arrow.

I can't believe my associates would doubt me.

Come on, Kyle.

So tell me, where did you and Maxine take her car?

Cabo.

Doman, I swear, I don't know where Kyle Stamper is. Well, maybe you and your

friends decided to keep Stamper for yourself.

We don't have your connections. I really don't know what the guy means. This guy

means about five billion dollars.

I got rich old guys lined up around the block from a few drops of this jungle

boy's blood.

I think that's quick, son.

Could I?

Now get in.

I want to know if you're lying to me.

Tell me the truth and I'll let you join your buddies.

Good. Now tell me where Stamper is and I'll pull you out.

I told you, man. A black guy in a tall chick came out of nowhere and took him.

You ever see them before? No.

Which way'd they go? I don't know, Dolman, man. Come on, man. Please, man.

me out of here, man.

I believe you.

They jazzed with Dodge and Brento.

You'll probably see them on the way down.

You know, your plant's dying here.

So when my guy in Sao Paulo heard people asking about Kyle, I figured they

weren't just going to send them flowers, you know.

So I hired you guys.

By the way, the Hawaiian shirt's a nice touch.

Well, I wanted to make you feel at home, but all my Amazon shirts are dirty.

You know, the Amazon is a place that I've always wanted to visit.

You could learn a lot from the Yanomamo.

Huh. Well, I wouldn't know. You know, I've never been.

Dr. Bob and I met at an Internet conference about a year ago.

Oh.

Yeah, I was on that way -out stuff that Kyle's parents were working on.

Must be so amazing to live in the Amazon but know that civilization is just a

mouse click away.

No, I just use the Internet for my research.

Civilization is still pretty near to me.

Got some nice equipment, Kay.

Kyle's ain't so bad either.

Thanks.

Listen, Doc, no offense, but didn't you take enough of his blood this morning?

Well, you see, blood's a lot like beer.

Go stale once you tap it.

I could use an anticoagulant, but that would just skunk up the test.

Dracula's assured me he's getting pretty close.

Oh, yeah, the whole lab's kicking ass on this one.

Viruses are getting gnarlier, and whatever Kyle's got in his system just

him right down.

That's exactly why we wanted to see it firsthand.

Here, try this. This is where Tasha stores her flesh -eating virus.

I'd hate to meet that thing in a dark alley.

Actually, it'd hate to meet you.

Look at that.

See what I mean? The antigens from Kyle's blood surround and devour the

Wow.

You're gonna have to cut the Amazon down to print all the money you're gonna

make. No, the serum's gonna be available to most people for free.

I owe that to my parents.

If there's any cash, I'll use it to help the rainforest.

Bob, watch out.

I'm sorry.

How did you hear her coming?

Is it safe to come in?

Yeah. Syringe time is over.

Okay, good.

Nothing creeps me up more than needles.

Well, you're safe.

Thanks.

So, are you ready to take on the modern world?

Things seem a little different than they did in 1977.

Well, look on the bright side. You missed Parachute Pants, ABBA, and the

season of Elf.

I'm going to take Kyle on Belle's L .A. adventure.

Kyle has to be back by five to meet with Dr. Bob again.

Well, we'll just save the wig museum for another day. Come on, Mickey's waiting

in the car.

Here. All I needed was a little love.

Bye.

He's just like E .T.

Only cuter.

Keep your eye on the road, Tarzan. Let's go. That is amazing. I mean, so much

life. You can be anything you want here.

Yeah, if you're the right surgeon.

All right, so tell me about the Amazon.

Have you ever seen one of those giant anacondas like Chow and a Guy?

Wow, look at that.

Here, I've got you a vegetarian hot dog. Eat it fast, though, because we've got

to get to Hess.

And we're going to go snorkeling in the grotto, and then we're going to jump off

the Hollywood sign in Bungie, and then we're going to go to a cruelty -free

bake, and it's cruelty -free because the clams aren't really clams, they're

tofu.

I'm working for it.

Not who, not who, genius.

Hey, did you ever get into the sitcom?

Robin Williams, are you serious?

Oh, it's too bad. I thought he was really funny.

Oh, my God. I remember these.

You shake them up like that and you make a new design.

I love these.

I think you're thinking of Etch -a -Sketch.

I guess I should have poked my head out of the Amazon a little more often.

Oh, well.

It's okay. The office could always use another paperweight.

Sorry, Ben. Okay.

Thanks a lot.

Well, I guess we bought this surf wax, too. Oh, that's okay, because we're

to go surfing later, and your board will just smell like a big pineapple now.

This is great. God, the hero.

That is the brick he's supposed to keep a low profile.

Well, no one's going to see this.

Much?

Site number 17 for Los Angeles is now boarding.

Kyle! Mr. Samper! Kyle, what did it be like to be back in civilization after 23

years? Mr. Samper!

Mr.

Samper, is it true that Amazon .com is speaking to you as their spokesman?

how do you respond to rumors linking you and Laura Flynn Boyle? Mr. Samper!

A hundred bucks, he better be.

How'd you sleep?

Like a king.

And in the morning, I'd have to check my boots with Pit Viper.

Hi.

Yeah, thanks.

World -famous bodyguard hangs out with mysterious jungle hunk.

Now that you're on the front page news, why don't we try and keep you out of the

obituaries? You know, the closest thing to celebrity back home was when it

sheathed and carved my face in private's canoe.

Don't let it go to your head.

Because you could lose it.

Wait.

What is it?

Nothing. I thought I heard something.

We need to get you into hiding.

Hey, I didn't come to America to see if I'm behind a window.

Well, hopefully that won't happen because Val says she's got some ideas.

Kyle?

Who's Kyle?

Kyle, um...

Oh, we can't tell his last name. It's super secret bodyguard stuff.

We're reinventing his identity today.

Far out.

What? People don't say that?

Oops.

Darn, we're good.

Hey,

glasses, you've got Prada, too, baby.

Looks like we better keep your million -dollar butt on the inside after all.

Yeah, I'll let the guys back home and probably pink my head, but...

I like you.

I feel like a different person.

It's me.

Hire someone to go with a gun and get over here.

I'm going to take out the sneakiest son of a bitch today.

What do you mean there's trouble with Kyle's test?

Well, at first I thought maybe the cell counter was boned, you know, but...

I recalibrated it myself this morning.

Isn't lab life interesting?

You know, the protein levels in Kyle's blood have been dropping every day since

he's been here.

It's almost as if he's sick.

I don't know.

You know, I mean, maybe there's just too much external stimuli.

I mean, the dude can hear a pin drop in the rainforest, and he sees better at

night than most people see in the daytime.

Now he's walking around La La Land with four million people.

I suppose that could mess with anyone, Ted.

Yeah, and the rest of your body.

We're experts at guarding against attacks from the outside, not the

What do you suggest, Doc?

Well, for starters, I think we've got to ease him into this environment.

I mean, otherwise there could be major consequences.

I mean, last week I came home and found that a capy had given birth on my bed.

What's a capy?

Capybara.

World's largest rodent.

Three feet long.

Has wet feet for swimming.

Moments lady at the end of the bar.

Hi.

Bless you.

Kyle, what did you tell me about the wildlife he finds in his bed?

Mr. Trey, stories are quick.

So, what is the single scene like in the Amazon?

Oh, it's wild. Much different than it is in L .A.

Well,

not that much different.

Compliments the lady at the other end of the bar.

You're amazing.

Yeah, what's up with that?

I don't know.

Back home, if a guy's interested in a girl, he has to hang upside down in the

tree all night to prove he's worthy.

Well, in L .A., we have very complicated mating rituals.

You're really cute.

Give me a call.

Hey, okay.

Good night.

Thank you.

Did you be doing that?

I don't know. It's been so long.

I was hoping I would expand it.

the gun is that.

This is the guy Val bopped in the eye.

I lifted his image off one of the people cams at Foam.

His name is Dolman. He's a former hitman for Anthony Cornavaco.

What's one of Willie's stories?

Hmm.

Seems he's decided to specialize in South America's fastest growing

Kidnapping.

His contact's down. That must have turned him on to Kyle.

It's Dr. Bob.

I left him a message about the shootout.

What's up, Doc?

I've always wanted to say that.

How's Kyle doing?

Fine, just a couple of bruises. He's down the hall with Val and Nikki.

Well, what happened today, campers? I thought we agreed to keep Kyle's

excitement levels at a whisper.

We agreed.

Dillman didn't.

Kyle won't duck into a safe house, and we can't make him.

Well, he might not have a choice.

Kyle's being poisoned.

It's unlikely.

We've been with him every second since he left the Amazon.

Well, get down here and I'll show you.

His food is being checked. Of course.

But, according to Nicky, Kyle isn't acting like his old self.

He didn't see Dolan coming today. And when he tried that same old lamppost

trick, he missed by a mile.

Okay, Kay, now go to the lab. You update Val and Nikki and find a place to stash

Kyle just in case the doc is right.

Oh, my gosh.

Kyle is just like E .T.

That's the plant he revived.

Kay,

you got to sit right underneath the air conditioning vent.

Oh, bad Kay.

There's a safe house we can use in the Palisades. It's high on a hill, easy to

defend. Listen, have you thought about this mojo thing in cow's blood?

They could bottle it, right?

Stop disease.

It will change the world.

Yeah, I thought about it.

People could live practically forever.

Exactly. So, hypothetically speaking, you could live to be about 127 years.

Driving this prowler, chasing after young girls.

37? Never say never.

That is harsh, man.

There's a better chance of me dating Grandma's than you and Nicky getting

together. Wait, wait a minute.

That could happen, huh?

Yeah, if you live to 200.

All right, I'll take my time.

I'm sure you also noticed that Dorman is getting desperate.

He didn't care that he almost splattered Kyle all over the beach.

Could be his backers are pulling out.

Competition is moving in. Either way, it's not good for us whole town.

Well, one thing's for sure. This job never gets old.

Look, can we just drop the old talk?

Huh? Why?

They're dreaming about dating a nursing home hottie?

Hey, boys.

Nice car.

Me and 70 -year -old women.

Oh, God, no.

a seal with two inches of dampening glass.

You could fire off a bazooka and it'd sound like a bug fart.

Well, what if he can read lips like Hal in 2001?

Maybe we should talk in code. A is one, B is two, C is three. Val, the point is,

what are we going to do?

Doc says change is bad for him.

Well, I know what to do. We just get him into his old clothes. I have a plan.

Of course, I may have to lie to him a little bit, but just go with me.

You know, it's a shame because the way he looks right now, he could probably

his own TV series.

Well, I really got to thank you.

You do?

Yeah. Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to know what the States would be like if

I never left.

Now I think I know.

That's great.

Okay, take off your clothes. We have to take them back.

Why? I love these clothes. I look good in these clothes.

I know. Sure you do. But Nikki just informed me that she didn't pay for

They were on layaway, and she just took them.

No, no, no. I saw her use her credit card.

Right. Yeah, but it was stolen.

Nikki has a problem. It's terrible. She's a kleptomaniac. Right, Nikki?

Yeah. I'm a klepto.

It's an ugly disease, and there is no cure.

So if we don't bring the clothes back, Nikki's in big bozo trouble.

You know, where I come from, we cut off the hands of thieves.

I'm very disappointed in you, Nikki.

What about your old disco clothes?

No, these are all right. These are the clothes you bought.

Besides, I threw out my old clothes. And if I'm going to start a new life out

here, I've got to start looking the part.

Hell of a plan, Val.

I love it when the client thinks I'm a degenerate.

I don't think he's really going to cut off your hand.

What?

Slow down.

Stamper and irons and how many bodyguards just left?

Okay, stay on that tail.

I'm going to start evening up the odd.

I want you to see this.

That's what's poisoning Kyle.

Ammonia, arsenic, beryllium? How's he still standing?

There's more.

Formaldehyde, mercury, vinyl chloride.

But how did Dolman get all that into Kyle?

Actually, we've all been exposed to it.

Only it wasn't Dolman.

On any given day in Los Angeles, that's what's all around us.

L .A. pollution.

Yeah, it's poisoning us all.

Kyle just happens to be hypersensitive.

He hasn't built up any resistance to these things.

I thought his super blood protects him.

Something in the Amazon has heightened Kyle's immune system against disease.

He's highly susceptible to his environment, which is good when you're

when you're on vacation.

I'm going to need to give him a transfusion. We'll have Johnny bring

over.

Hey, look. Look at this.

Lab geeks and their laser pointer.

Be careful.

Yeah, well, you're going to start a new life out here.

Aren't you going to miss Cappy and her pups?

No. That way it fits me like this suit.

I don't know.

I don't know if I'll ever go back to the Amazon. I mean, all that space is

great, but it gets kind of lonely.

Aren't you going to miss it?

I know if I don't get back to Canada every once in a while, I'd probably be

crazy as everybody else down here.

Yeah, sure I'd miss it.

But I think I could get by here and I'd do my work without all the rain and the

snakes and the bugs.

Oh, and plus, I just got a call from some guy saying he's Freddie Prinze

agent, inviting me to some party. Isn't that great?

I might get invited.

I don't even know who Freddie Prinze Jr. is.

You have to get that looked at.

It's so peaceful and quiet out here.

What are you doing here? I was looking for you.

Follow me.

We gotta be here somewhere.

I can still get around a farce if I have to.

These guys are pissing me off!

Think you can wrap this up yourself?

You, I'm used to it.

really sick.

We gotta get him to Bob's lab.

Tell me something good, Doc.

Another half an hour, he'd have been B .O .A.

Val's outside in Dakota.

She couldn't handle watching you sticking him with needles.

Well, listen, as Kyle's friend, I really want to thank you. You saved his life.

We're cool to stick around.

Well, go on home. I mean, he's in good hands, and I'll call you when I can.

It's a locked building.

Hang in there, Tarzan.

You can go on home, Tom.

Thanks.

I hope Kyle's going to be okay. You know, he really wanted to go to Freddy's

Junior's agent's party. Fine art of that.

Maybe it's a screening for his next movie.

Hey, buddy.

How you doing?

If I'm dead, not too bad.

Well, you're not dead.

Your bodyguards got you here just in time.

It was one of those great team efforts.

Just relax.

All this junk's for a transfusion, right?

Well, that's what the owner's manual says.

I hate to say your job, buddy, but shouldn't there be some extra blood

make it work?

Well, I got all the blood I need.

Right here.

You and Doman were in this together?

More like competitors.

He's an idiot, Dolman. He'd have shot you up so bad he'd have nothing left to

sell to his buyers.

Me, on the other hand, I got a list of rich people just waiting to buy what

you've got.

This little illness of yours just simply pushed ahead the time tape.

I should have known you were lying.

Yeah. I heard about that trick you do with a handshake.

Thank God for surgical gloves, huh?

Go to hell.

Hey, it's your own fault.

I knew you'd never throw in with me.

And I want to help the world.

Now with this rather large withdrawal I'm about to make, I will help the

But just the richest 5%.

Now, you want to talk about real problems?

This catheter tip is too small.

I'll be right back.

I should have said goodbye.

But I just hate those pony needles. They're so gross.

Yuck. I know. You told me.

Cora, you'll see him tomorrow.

You know, Kyle seemed to do better when I was stroking his hair.

I was like Lawrence Henderson.

Nightingale. Lawrence Nightingale was the famous nurse.

Lawrence Henderson is like the Brady Bunch mom.

Well, that's what I meant.

And it's really hard raising six kids.

Anyway, do you think Dr. Bob is going to be stroking his hair and doing all

that? He was really busy.

Well, what if he doesn't do it and something goes wrong?

He's a doctor. I'm sure he's gone through tons of school.

You know, don't worry about it. Turn around.

But... All right, turning.

Turning.

Not saying goodbye to you. It's okay. It's okay. Look, you've got to get me

of here. Dr. Bob's trying to kill me.

Get out.

Him, too?

Yeah. Look, just take this needle out and put your finger over the hole.

Take the needle out of what? Now?

Well, he's going to be back any minute. Come on. Oh, God. Nicky picked a good

time to go for a cherry slushie. Oh, I can't do it.

I can't do it. I can't do it.

It's all right.

Oh, God.

Okay. It's all right, Sanderson. It's all right.

Nightingale, please help us.

get you out of here.

Ow. Ow.

Ow. Ow.

Ow. Ow.

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Ow.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

really a kleptomaniac, is she?

No, but her timing sucks.

Oh, good.

Right here.

We're saved.

Oh, we're dead.

Come on. Faster, faster.

Got you one, too.

Hey, thanks.

No, sir.

Good job.

Thanks.

Thanks.

I want to be sleek and sexy like a little puppy cat, and nobody can hear

it's too late.

And don't let that gorgeous hair grow too long again. That wolf -boy look is

not you. Plus, we boxed up all those fierce outfits we got you. You want us

send them down?

No, not much use for them in the rainforest.

Why don't you hang on to them, and I'll come back and visit someday.

Okay, well, baby, by then, we'll have Ellie's foot shined. Yeah, and that's

what's under the rug I can pull on.

I gotta go. I'm working with a doctor down here trying to figure out this

inside of me.

Besides that funky jungle fever thing you got?

Remember, Val, jungle stalking is all about focus.

All your senses and energy have to focus on your prey.

That way you glide to it effortlessly.

Okay, well, glad you're feeling better. Okay.

Another VIP cop secret technical briefing. Today's subject, VIP's lab.

Most people think of bodyguards as being hired muscle.

But VIP is a very different organization.

Our minds are often more important than our muscles.

Maybe we should talk in code. A is one, B is two, C is three. Protecting our

clients sometimes requires investigative work that might stump the average

police force.

That's often why we're hired. Not only to stop the bad guys, but to figure out

who they are. This is the guy Val bopped in the eye.

His name is Dolman. He's a former hitman. Our operatives come from a

backgrounds and have a variety of talents.

That's some nice equipment, Kay.

The lab has just about everything we need. From fingerprinting to DNA

to bioweaponry.

It's a good time.

Ammonia, arsenic, beryllium. How's he still standing?

There's more.

Formaldehyde, mercury, vinyl chloride.

We have microscopes to analyze everything from ballistics to blood

The lab?

Hmm.

Honestly, I can't say that I've ever seen any of them ever use the lab.

You know, I use the Bunsen burner to make coffee.

Back up or I'll feed you that mic.

Decaf. They're already hyper enough.