Original subtitles

is reaching critical mass here. You've got to watch out. Those laser beams are

hot. Touch them and you fry.

Oh, my God. Watching Laser Lord live is so hot.

Literally.

Remember, fans, today is B .J. Finley Day, as you can tell from my fine

behind me. Get yourself a B .J. Finley mask available right now at the Laser

Wars Fan Club.

Hey, just for you, you must be really tight with PJ.

We were. We were.

Back in basic training, but then he got transferred.

Basic training? That must have been back in the disco age. Did you guys have,

like, really big eyebrows and stick every weekend with Saturday Night Fever?

Uh, well, not quite, but, uh... Well, the fact is, these tickets were a

to me, but I'm glad to see you ladies are so into it.

Are you kidding?

Laser Lords is reality TV at its best.

Oh, my God.

That's Dr.

Photon.

Humanoid. Born on an asteroid, P .A .C. from the dark side of the moon. Oh, my

God. A genetically engineered mutant from Area 51.

Ah, you ladies buy all of this.

Well, I mean, okay. So the characters are a little over the top, but the

fighting is totally real.

Oh, what a sweet reversal.

He may look tough, but he's just a big lovable lug.

Been too long, man.

I remember.

Yeah. My dog.

That's my man. Uh -huh. B .J. Finley.

This is my boss, Valerie Iron. Hi. And her lovely friend, Maxine De La Cruz.

Look at you, man.

Surrounded by these beautiful, famous women.

Man, took you out of these threads, man.

You like that? Yeah, it's quite a change from back in the days of Fort Irving

before they bounced him in the river.

All right, all right.

Let's not reminisce too much. You feel me, huh? I got you. Yeah.

B .J., I need to talk to you.

All right, yeah, one sec, Luke. I want you to meet some friends of mine. Now.

Listen,

I'll catch up with you, all right? All right.

B .J., B .J.

Maybe Nick's just a little pissed because his action figure, you know,

worth as much as BJ's. Yeah, I dig it.

Or maybe we just found out the real reason we got free tickets.

Ladies and gentlemen, coming right up, Dr.

Odom!

What are you doing? You know we don't need anyone nosing around. Get off me,

man. They're just bodyguards. Besides, I wouldn't mind if somebody watched my

back. Hey, we take care of ourselves.

Loyalty, BJ. Concept you better not forget.

What you got there, man? Something for old BJ to find?

You have something in mind.

I want it back.

Lethal Valerie Irons.

Plucked from obscurity to head an elite Los Angeles bodyguard agency.

They know how to get things done.

Eventually.

Who'd have thought free tickets to some show Val watches would bag us a real

job? I don't get it.

Quickspotty gets kneecapped by some freakazoid and we're sitting here on our

keisters. Let's get this train moving.

Newt, Botan, hit the weight room.

Okay, Mom.

You should have said you needed help.

Sent you tickets, didn't I?

B .J. Finley, master of subtlety.

We've all been on edge lately.

Sweep's weak is a lot of pressure.

Practice in ten, BJ.

Patty, my associates, Tasha Dexter and Nikki Frankel. This is Patty Del Florio,

the show's producer.

I've heard good things about you.

Just a reminder, I hired you on a low -profile basis.

We can fly under the radar.

Any idea who'd want to injure them?

If you're a laser lord, you're on TV five nights a week in 51 countries and

languages. You attract plenty of weirdos.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, you guys have to totally check this place out. This is

like the Disneyland of lightsabers.

Patty Del Florio, our fearless leader, Valerie Adams. Oh, hi.

Hey, you guys don't do guest star laser lord appearances, do you? Because we

would be so good at that. No, we wouldn't.

Wait a minute, she's right.

I guess it pays to talk to the person whose name is on the door.

You would have the perfect cover, and I smell huge raiding.

We'd be in the ring.

You can't get better protection than that.

I am not wearing one of those costumes.

Of course not.

Max and I will design new ones.

We won first prize last year on Halloween. We did the solar system

Jupiter, and she was Pluto.

Val, you're amazing.

Have you ever thought of TV production?

Oh, yeah. I have plenty of ideas.

If only someone would listen to me.

Okay, so this small -town girl, she comes to L .A. She works at a hot dog

And it's like a short little girl with a really big ab.

Hey,

what can I say? I love him both, okay?

Come on, baby. Let's play right here. Here comes the Mack truck, baby.

Yeah,

that was an Aston Martin.

Deal with that, baby. Huh?

Oh, yeah. Never hurt so good.

Come on, baby. Give me some. You like that, huh? Yeah. Uh -huh. Oh, man. Good

moves, Q.

So what, you learn those ones getting out of that straitjacket back in Fort

Irving? Okay, okay, okay.

What's with the quick out of his mind, Delio?

BJ's hung up on the pass is all.

Come on, hotshot.

You know what? I'm going to find out what the scoop is on Mr. Quick.

Val, listen.

Same knee you injured back in the service, right?

Damn, you still remember that?

What happened, man?

I mean, like, why'd we lose touch?

Well, for starters, you transferred platoons.

They ain't just dropped off the planet.

Come on, man.

Level with me.

We don't talk for years. You send me tickets out of the blue, then some dude

attacks you.

What's the deal?

After I left the platoon, I got into some stuff, man.

What kind of stuff?

Yo, Williams.

Photon. Patty D needs you in her office.

Contract's on a time.

We'll continue this.

All right, brother.

Go.

All right, later, Forton.

What the hell were you thinking, man? Chill out, Forton.

I mean, come on, man. We've been through tougher slaps than this before.

Come on. The Philippines, Panama, Guam. This is different, and you know it.

We're not going to take the rap for what went down.

Get with the program.

of the way twiggy you know we could protect you and your buddies a whole lot

better if you told us what the hell was going on we don't need your protection

but hey uh you know maybe uh you and your machachas can uh you know you know

be my new posse consider

yourself a posse yeah

Just be glad you caught my bad shoulder.

Hear that?

It's coming from the locker room.

Daddy.

Nasty. Let's get him down.

Looks like you need us around after all.

Well.

Proton's high as a kite on pain pillars.

Dislocated his shoulder again.

Again?

He complained about his shoulder when I pinned him.

Well, you're just goofing around.

If that's what gets you off, fine.

I'm just trying to figure out how someone got past the great VIP.

Point well taken.

We'll do better. Good.

There's a Laser Lords event coming up on the Venice boardwalk. It's been on the

boards for months.

And the show must go on.

Without a hitch.

This guy knew exactly what to target.

Photon's bum shoulder, BJ's knee.

Almost like he knew you guys.

Hello.

They've certainly known each other for a while.

You didn't tell us you, Photon, and Nuke were in a special mercenary army team.

Eleven Bravo Company?

I've heard of them. Crack specialist.

Real covert stuff.

The dude who attacked you, one of your victims?

Worse. He was our squad leader.

Major James Kobler.

Major Kobler?

Last I heard, he was Sergeant Kobler, that psycho drill master.

He was court -martialed for hazing recruits.

It's worse than that.

See, they had to put him in a place with a sadistic edge.

Covert ops.

You knew it was him from day one, and you didn't tell us?

We had our suspicions, but we weren't sure.

Guys, it says here...

Kobler's been listed as MIA since 96.

Kobler missed the helo lift during our last mission.

We figured he was plant food.

And then we started getting all the threats.

Look, I gotta get to practice.

Newsflash, your butt's still holding out on us. I know.

Well, there's more than one way to get info.

This is going to be illegal, isn't it?

It usually is.

Get me the home addresses of the other laser lords.

See you in jail.

I am Andromeda. Hear me roar. Born in the seventh dimension on a burning

With the power of the crowd of nebula in my hands.

I'm the intergalactic gatekeeper of... Of the galaxy of

Prada. Excellent. Excellent. Now, how are fellow VIP laser lords doing?

Oh.

Shake.

And bake.

I really don't think Tasha's going to go for this.

She'll love it.

She can bake.

She can bake my chicken.

Okay. What's up?

The usual.

Making life beautiful for my fellow VIPs.

What's an Andromeda drive?

Think, think.

Um, a cherry.

Okay.

Pouting will make your skin dry out.

What's wrong?

Everybody has a laser lord character but me.

I can be mean and vicious.

As long as it doesn't hurt anybody.

Well, you could be... K -Bar. Mm. The knife.

Mm.

Slender. Mm.

Jagged. Razor sharp.

Research complete.

My Yahoo research is ready.

After I plugged in quick dates of enlistment, I had to cross -reference

different databases from an NSA mainframe at Fort Irving. Okay, bring it

bring it on.

Too happy, Rainbow. Not as easy as it. Hey, what's this?

Admitted for psychiatric observation.

See photo.

What, is that supposed to be a person?

Running this through Photoshop with my depixelation plug -in will probably

it up, but it's going to take me some time.

This is just like a no -way out.

Maybe that's a picture of Kevin Costner.

Ew, I hope not.

I'm pretty sure that's quick.

Ah, we need more gold lame.

K -Bar.

So how long have you and your Laser Lord buddies shared a bank account in the

Cayman Islands?

Cayman? Man, would you get hit too hard? I found a few things in Photon's pad.

Bank transfers, account numbers.

Look, you can tell me now, or you can tell me when it's too late.

Come on, man, you know how it is.

You put some of these bad dudes down in these third world countries, the next

thing you know, these locals are throwing jewels and cash your way.

They own a little retirement fund.

More like hazard pay.

Cobra set us all up with a Swiss account.

Last year... Look, man, we all thought he was dead, okay?

So we moved the money to the Caymans.

And now Cobra's back looking for his share.

No.

He wants it all.

That payback for us leaving him behind.

I thought he missed the Gila lift.

It wasn't that simple.

When we were in Nicaragua, we got to the target. I mean, everything was cool.

But then Kobler wanted to start taking out the civilians.

Kids. I mean, everything.

Look, he crossed the line this time, Q.

So I defied his kill order, and we cleared out.

What about Kobler?

We heard that the civvies got him.

We figured it was for good.

I didn't see why you'd hope so.

Doesn't sound like any of your guys up for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Yeah, well, that's what Nuke and Photon said.

Look, man, we don't want anybody to know what happened in 11 Bravo.

Well, maybe you'll feel better if you come clean.

It doesn't matter.

Look what Kobler did to Photon, not to mention my knee.

Man, he's gonna kill us, and nothing's gonna stop him. I will.

You can count on that.

Any luck?

There's a quicker way to find where they hid all that loot.

Well, what do you know?

The laser lords are appearing at the Venice boardwalk.

What do you got, Nick?

Just more bimbos for Square Clips and Sky Bar.

Oh, my God. This is too close to call, people.

Have you ever seen so many fine -looking women in one place?

Okay, people. The silent portion of our contest is coming up next.

So, everybody, be cool. Stick around.

I'm afraid the top might fall apart together.

Give me a hand.

One at a time, ladies. One at a time.

How you doing?

So you shower in that mask?

Ooh, strong silent type. I like that.

I'm tired of you, Corbler.

BJ, get out of the way!

No!

You're not one of the Lazy Lords.

Take him, let's go.

Hurry, for the cops are here.

Suburban is registered to Dirk Grant, 142 Langdon Street, City of Industry.

But... I'm listening.

County records show that the building was destroyed ten years ago.

Which means Kobler's guy gave a fake address.

Dead end. Not for me.

I'm not waiting around for Kobler's next move. Call me.

Tasha.

Dirk Grant racked up 22 parking tickets in front of a warehouse in the garment

center. It'll be their hangout. All right, give it to me.

Go.

The Mighty Quick Williams.

BJ, it's a job. What a great boxer you were.

Lightning quick hands.

Yeah. I know all about you, too.

What do you know?

In the army, I heard you were a sadistic punk.

Now I hear you're a full -on walking piece of crap.

My boys left me for dead.

Soldiers don't do that.

You know, no soldier...

BJ did right leaving you behind.

I can make this last so long you'll want to snap your neck off to stop the pain.

Tell me where BJ put my money.

Cobla.

I've got something.

Patty DeFlorio.

She produces the Laser Lord show. She set up an account in all their names

in Cayman Island.

All right. Good work.

Check her out.

I'm going to go play with my new little friend.

I don't know what I'm going to do if Quick doesn't come back. Oh, don't

I'm sure Tasha and Johnny will find him.

Quick can handle things, right?

Oh, I hope so, because my cuddly thoughts of Jamie Quick help me sleep at

I haven't slept a full night in a long time.

Sounds like you're troubled.

Maxine, look.

I did some things I'm not too proud of.

Of course, Cobler's in a totally different league.

Well, it sounds like you need to confront Cobler, not to mention your own

conscience. Funny.

That's what Quick said.

He's so smart.

More than that.

Sure saved my butt.

You know that's how he wound up in the loony bin.

Does this have anything to do with that photo of Quick that Kay found?

He didn't tell you that one, did he? Oh!

Yeah, of course.

Heard it a million times, but, you know, you can tell me again.

Okay.

Q and I had this wild night on the town, and we were sneaking back on base when

these MPs saw us.

Man, I mean, we were so busted.

Anyways, but another night in the brig, and I would have got court -martialed.

Uh -uh.

So quick, causes this diversion so that I can sneak back into the barracks.

What divergent? What? What?

Tell me more. What?

That is one loyal brother.

Tell me what's in the jar.

I hate to ruin your feel -good moment, but you have a laser lord's training

session?

Wait, wait a minute now. Wait, wait. You didn't finish your story.

I just talked to BJ, and I am worried to death about Quick.

Well, you know what? That is why I am calling. I just read his astrological

chart, and you're not going to believe it. His Taurus is double parked in the

last space on the moon, which confirms the fact that Quick Williams can do

anything. Oh, oh, you know what? I almost found out what Quick's big army

was, and then I blew it.

Oh, well, I can just find it from my chart.

Smoking's bad for you.

You know what else is?

Me.

We're looking for a friend of ours.

It's the wrong answer.

Hey, am I doing this right? Isn't this supposed to paralyze the left side of

your body?

That's a typical Western pressure point. Let me show you another.

The beauty of this one is you can't even hear him scream.

See? Nothing.

Oh, I see where you're going.

Let me show you this one.

This is kind of neat.

I was doing this last week when a guy was going to spill his guts.

He ended up spilling his liver and his spleen also.

I think he kept his appendix. I can't remember.

Okay, okay.

I'll tell you.

We're listening.

How'd your cat with Patty DiFlorio go?

While dangling her out the window, she happened to mention the account

The money's ours.

Nice work, baby.

Time to blow this town.

Once we tie up a loose end.

Finishing. What's the matter?

Can't you do it yourself?

I want to get my clothes dirty, man.

Nice phone.

You won't be needing it.

Coburn!

You'll be seeing me again.

Look at you.

You're crowding the plate.

Restructs. You're right.

Get off!

BJ's bumming hard. He can't concentrate.

Oh, hunk of burning love needs a serious pick -me -up.

Bell,

in the flesh.

My main man's okay.

Well, don't order your party rental yet because Cobra's skipping town. And he's

got your money, Quick's wallet, and Quick's cell phone.

Cobra's leaving?

Damn!

There's more to life than money.

It's not the cash.

It's just like you and Quick said.

I have to confront Kobler, and I have to set everything straight.

Ooh, ooh, I know how to get a hold of him.

We'll call him on a quick cell phone.

Yeah? I got someone who wants to talk to you, buster.

Hey, old buddy.

BJ, what a nice surprise.

Let it all out.

No mercy.

Yeah, I'm sick and tired of you, Kobler.

You're nothing but a sadistic freak.

Yeah, who can't dress to save his life?

Go to hell, man.

That's it, BJ, that's it.

Tell him what you know. Tell him you know what he did.

Yeah, listen, you can't run and hide from the past anymore, because I'm going

finish you off.

Oh, yeah, have fun trying. I got your five mil, and I'm clearing out.

Yeah, well, that five million doesn't mean anything after me and the guy spill

everything. Well, then you'll go down, too, hero.

Yeah? Well, guess what? I'll take my chances. It's time to come clean.

Eleven Bravo did a lot of bad stuff, and you were the king of the nasty.

You're going down the hardest.

You know what your problem is, BJ? You don't know when to shut your big trap.

I'm going to do the world a favor and tear your head off.

Now, why don't you come over and try it? I'm not afraid of you anymore, Kobler.

So you listen up.

How about you and me, mano a mano, in the laser ring right now?

All right.

You're a dead man. Yeah? Well, bring it on, sucker.

I'm the pack heavy.

Letting Bravo pick a bad day to grow a conscience.

Cobbler's coming here?

Yup. And he's going down.

Big, Bozo, no, no.

Cobbler is a cheater. He's gonna bring his whole flock of freaks over here and

totally wipe us all out.

Just in case we have to stall, let's find some weapons.

Okay, okay, okay.

Oh, yeah, a bomb thingy. I can blow Colbert a bit.

Um, actually, that's a small bomb from our special effects department.

Sorry.

Might come in handy.

Look, why don't you guys just let me fight Colbert in the ring?

I mean, I can take him.

No, no, this is VIP's job. You want to take Cobbler down. We don't want to see

you mash him into an icky pulp.

Go sit this one out.

In here, okay?

Yeah, Max will keep you company.

Okay, got it all, got it all.

Think, think, think.

why the army put Quick in the psychiatric ward.

Apparently, he was running across the base. You got it, Coleman. Go.

Bye, guys. I gotta go.

Make it a saber.

All right. Don't shoot until I say I'll remember.

If he did mine, go.

I know you're in here!

I can sense it.

Come on out!

Halt!

Nobody enter the Sacred Laser Lord's battleground. Prepare to meet the wrath

Andromeda.

Where the hell is BJ?

How dare you talk to Andromeda in that tone?

Now!

Provide an offering, or I'll be forced to destroy you.

Ha! That's not a very nice offering.

I don't know where B .J. is, and it'll take a billion years for you to find

so... You can always just give me a message, and I'll be glad to give it to

because he'll... Are you stalling me?

Uh... Am I doing a good job?

Ha!

He's coming!

bj myself bj is not your problem cobalt i

am i should have wasted you myself go for it

You'd be seeing me again.

I wanted BJ.

with Andromeda.

Just about to put our clothes on when we got spotted by these MPs. So to save my

height, because I was already on probation.

Quick.

Quick goes dashing across Fort Irving. You can see it all right here on the Kay

Simmons Palm Pilot Network.

However, viewer discretion is advised.

Give me that. I have been dying to find out what good secret is. No, you pushed

the wrong button. Oops, you just beamed the information to the big screen TV.

Hey, what's going on?

Oh, nothing. Absolutely nothing. You know what? Let's just go back to the

I have some lipstick back there that I need you to... Hey, hey, hey. It's cool.

I've got nothing to be ashamed of. Hey, which one of you lovely ladies wants to

buy me a drink?

And now for another VIP top secret technical briefing. Today's subject,

arts. I used to be a professional boxer.

So I've always been able to handle myself in a fight. It fits well with my

athletic training. For my bodyguard work, I primarily study shoulder counter

right. It emphasizes powerful blows and kicks.

Concentration of force.

Breath control.

Center of gravity.

Timing and speed.

I've been studying martial arts since I was a kid.

When I was making movies in Hong Kong, I learned some pretty flashy moves.

I study jiu -jitsu, kung fu, karate, all these different styles, and there's a

lot to learn from each of them, but my preference is the looser style of Jeet

Kune Do, which incorporates the strengths of a lot of these styles, so

lot more versatile. You've got more tools that you can use.

Let me show you another.

You can't even hear him scream.

But you know what? When it comes to the real world, you have to go by what

really works.

But then, you know, every now and then a little flash doesn't hurt either.