Original subtitles

This is it. This is my favorite restaurant. It's probably the best sushi

.A. Probably the world's.

You know you can't get good sushi outside of Japan.

You're going to eat your words, Missy. We'll get the door for you.

These are my friends, Tasha and Quick.

And Tasha is an expert in cold fish.

I'm going to make it.

Fish out of the bag.

Fish out of the bag.

So, was I right or what?

Everything compared to Fuji Sushi is just fistic.

Wow, you are preaching to the converted.

You said you couldn't afford to pay me, but then you stocked yourself with more

trinkets. Please, I'm just trying to run a business.

Why don't you just...

Hand over the deed to your business, and all of this will go away.

Fuji's back.

He's back again.

Please, hurry.

That guy was breathing kind of heavy. I don't think that was his ago order.

Fuji's in trouble.

We've got to help him.

I'm in. I'm going to order another opportunity to roll.

This is my territory. I have responsibilities.

If you don't paint, you and your...

A man -to -man fight with guns to back you up?

It is you who has no honor, old man.

This isn't good for anybody's digestion.

I can think of something worse.

Ninja Diesel.

If that is the kind of war you want, you'll be responsible for the bloodshed.

You won't always have your friends around to protect you, old man.

Let's go.

Fuji,

what's going on?

The

beautiful

and lethal Valerie Irons.

Plucked from obscurity to head an elite Los Angeles bodyguard agency.

They know how to get things done.

Eventually.

That's him. Who's he?

Desmond Susari, the L .A. leader of the powerful Okamura Yakuza clan.

The police report says they've taken over most of Little Tokyo.

They were probably at the gift shop collecting protection money.

Well, if they want protection, they're going to get it.

Valerie Irons protection.

Listen, Val.

The lives of Fuji and his neighbors revolve around traditions.

Now, getting involved...

Might make matters worse.

We can't let Fuji get hurt.

He makes the best spiderweb in town. Val, Fuji told us to butt out.

Vicki's right.

No one has even hired us.

Hi.

We're the First Street Neighborhood Association.

We wanted to thank you for helping us yesterday.

Oh, that's okay. We like to help people.

We're good guys.

We checked your profiles on VIP's website so we can choose an appropriate

for each of your personal tastes.

Oh, I shouldn't have.

No.

Oh! God, but I do love clothes. Thank you.

Ah, a tea ceremony set.

Thank you.

Veto period throwing dagger.

Nice.

Japanese fireworks.

The kind that blow off your hand.

Oh, my gosh.

The exclusive Japanese silver Pikachu edition.

Japanese garden calendar.

Thank you.

Whoa. Now you talk.

It's very thoughtful.

What the hell did you say about me on our webpage?

Miss Irons, we've come to ask for your help again.

Desmond Cusati is trying to drive us out of our shops.

Why can't you call the police?

They can't stop him.

But Fuji told us to stay out of it.

Fuji is from a great samurai family.

However, he is getting very old and Desmond Cusati is getting much more

powerful.

After you left, he accepted Fuji's challenge to fight alone.

We're sure it's a trap.

So you want to hire us?

We would be forever grateful.

You guys, sometimes being a bodyguard is about doing the right thing.

Are you alone?

Of course.

Don't worry.

They won't interfere.

Unless I need them to.

Hello? Anybody in there?

We won't interfere either.

Unless we have to.

Is this a test of blades or a bullet?

Then let's make this a final exam.

It's in my eye!

He gave you his sword.

Should I give it back?

Val, a samurai never lets anyone touch his sword.

Unless he... Val, giving you his sword is the same thing as passing on his

family name.

You're now responsible for his family's honor.

Mickey and Quick just called in.

Fuji's in the... intensive care ward at the hospital.

He's unconscious, but the doctors say he's going to pull through.

Which means we have to take on Kasari ourselves.

You know what? I don't get it. First you want me to stay out of the samurai

business, then you keep pulling me back in.

Well, when Fuji gave you the sword, you took responsibility for his family's

honor.

Their traditions go back 2 ,000 years. If we don't honor them, we're lost.

We have to defeat the Yakuza with traditional weapons. That means no guns.

Well, I'll need to go into training.

Especially you, Val.

Oh, my God. This is so Karate Kid.

Keep her out here where she can't destroy anything important.

Hey, Val.

Listen, we're going to work out here.

There's a lot of room for you to grow, okay? Oh, good. I love the beach.

Sounds good.

Looks like we both have our own katanas.

Yours looks very old.

Given to me by the Japanese secret servant.

Was made by the sword master, Masaki.

Late 16th century.

Masaki. You know, legend has it that all of his blades drive their masters

insane with bloodlust.

What?

Well, that explains it, doesn't it?

Okay, Val. We better get started, huh?

Okay.

I want you to do one hand here, like this.

The other hand here.

Slight squeeze.

One smooth cut.

One step in.

Three words for you.

Fabulous. Well, Val, just remember, keep it simple, relax, okay?

Okay. I'll show you something.

Okay, Val.

He never gets shop owners to move out with her around.

So we have to make sure they aren't around.

We need someone to destroy Valerie Irons.

No man on earth can defeat her in combat.

There is one man.

Hirata the Black.

He's not the man.

He's a demon from hell.

Why would he help us?

He never leave Japan.

He might.

For a chance to fight the great Valerie Irons.

Secondhand smoke.

Kills.

What's with the mattresses?

Health training.

What does she need I should thought it would be cheaper in the long

Unpredictable.

Move so fast.

You know, it's sort of reminding me of the drunken monkey style in Kung Fu.

Drunken monkey?

I can relate to that.

Especially the monkey part.

More like the idiotic monkey.

Well, listen, a true master trains to have the instinct of a child.

Okay, maybe you could take the rest of the day off.

You didn't think that old man and that woman could stop me from taking what's

mine, did you?

I

need

to get a message to Valerie Ion.

but I cannot stop my way out of a sword fight.

Now, Fuji and everybody is really depending on me, and I just, I can't do

Max. Look, I don't know about this Eastern mumbo -jumbo stuff, but Fuji

a sword.

So maybe he sees something special in you that nobody else sees, including

yourself.

I don't know.

Well, I know there's nobody else I'd rather have watching my back.

Oh, well, now you're lying.

No, no, I am serious.

I'm serious. Remember at the Lipstick concert when you put... Get that guy out

of the way just in time before he can throw up on my back. Yeah, well, I know

how you were wearing my Gucci sweater.

Yeah, but what I'm saying is that you just have a natural instinct.

And I would trust that any day over some chop stocking stuff.

I think you can do it.

Oh, no.

Looks like I'm going to have to.

We dropped the ball.

I'm so sorry. Let me help you.

I knew this could happen if we stood up to Desmond.

Well, what can we do?

Nothing.

We cannot fight this.

The Yakuza have won.

Everyone has decided to turn over their businesses.

It is over.

Look,

I promise you, Desmond will pay.

We're VIP.

We don't play.

Get me Desmond Cuthard.

Wow.

It really looks like they're turning around.

If only we had some kind of a plan.

Noon, she'll be there.

Desmond has agreed.

You are to meet here at high noon tomorrow for a fight to the death.

One -on -one.

One -on -one?

He promised that if you win, he'll bother us no more.

Nice plan.

Now all you have to do is win a fight to the death.

last ever worthy opponent in Valerie Irons.

No one even passed up with Framley.

Come on, fight!

Faustus is going to have to back out. It doesn't mean he's going to kill her.

No, Desmond is good, but he's not a brutal.

Val stopped him before.

He's going to be ready this time, okay? You and I could beat him.

But Val, if he'll get flight, that means he pulls her sword.

Desmond backed down the last time they met.

Why is he so eager to fight now?

She would like to find out.

Well, maybe it's time to do some ninja style recon, huh?

No matter what Desmond does.

How are we going to make Val a sword master overnight?

I may be able to arrange that.

Have no doubt.

The palm top is mightier than the sword.

What would you people do without me?

I can't believe I let you talk me into putting on this stupid thing.

What the heck is it?

It's a motion capture suit.

They're used in animation to control the movements of cartoon characters.

So what does it control now?

That.

Yeah, you said it works for cartoon characters, right? So what's the

Hey, I kind of like this.

Except for all the wires inside. It's a little itchy.

I rest my case.

I made some custom modifications.

Electrical impulses generated from within the motion capture suit stimulate

muscles in your body, thereby enabling you to move in the exact same fashion as

Tasha. The belt is fitted with a miniature camera, and it relays video

information directly into Tasha's VR goggles.

Tasha, these will enable you to see and hear the world exactly like Val does.

Frightening.

Okay,

five more seconds of this and I'm going to take a header out of the window.

All right, would you just try something?

Move!

That feels weird.

I feel like I'm being possessed by some

evil spirit with closed -toed shoes.

Come on, Val. Don't fight it. Just relax.

If this doesn't make me insane, I could take on Desmond for Val.

I don't know.

It kind of tickles.

No more than when your head gets chopped off.

Someone broke into the building.

My men are searching the area.

Call them off.

They'll never find them.

Well, it must have been VIP, but what did they want?

To find out why a coward like you would accept a challenge from Valerie Irons.

How dare you?

Stating the obvious.

You don't have the guts to go up against her.

They know it.

That's why you hired me.

Call off your men.

Stop the search.

Are you sure? Tell him to come here.

Quickly.

And come to my office.

Now.

checking the plumbing.

Once the fight is over, promise you'll let them go?

Of course.

After Valerie Irons is defeated, VIP is finished.

I was hired only to kill Valerie Irons.

I will not have anyone else slaughtered in my name.

If you dishonor me, nothing can protect you.

I hold you in the highest regard.

Trust me.

Enough with honor.

I want machine gun snipers on the roofs over the duel.

If Harata doesn't win, I want Valerie Irons and the shop owners shot to death.

And if Harata wins, I want him dead too.

Wait a few minutes until Harata is gone, and then...

Let them grunt.

Val, can you hear me? Yes.

Have you heard from Click and Johnny yet? They should have called in by now.

Tasha already said Nikki to check out Desmond's place.

I'm powering up the suit right now.

Come on, Kay. Let's get this thing rolling.

I'm going to jerk Val's strings like a puppet.

All right, kick it off.

We'll hide back here and you're on your own until just before the fight.

Okay, we've done a lot of crazy things before, but this is the craziest.

No, no, kill me first.

Right, yeah, yeah, kill him first.

We got a dead pool at the office and I bet 20 I'd go down first.

That's right, yeah, that's right.

Look, you kill him, then mail him his finger.

Oh, they'd think I was still alive and I'd lose the bet.

Yeah, he's right. He's right. Listen, mail him his, uh, uh, his heart.

That's it. You know how to do that, don't you?

Yeah, come on. Come over here. I'll show you.

Real slick.

Thank you. You weren't so bad yourself, you know.

I was talking about me.

Any ideas how we get loose?

Number six?

I don't know. These chairs are kind of heavy.

You think you can do it?

No, but I'm sure you can, Mr. Slick.

One, two, three.

Oh, my God.

No more fat burgers for you.

Hey, come on, man. What are you doing up there? Hey, hey, hey, listen.

I'm a little tired from the fight, you know?

Now,

you may be light on your feet, but you're not light on my back.

Here goes.

Come on, come on, come on, come on. Not in the bran muffins, I see.

Where's Desmond?

He has chosen me to fight in his place.

I am Hirata of the Kenzu school.

I'm Valerie Irons from Highland Senior Secondary, the Vancouver Island Sea

Sluts.

Desmond hired a ringer. That's why he wanted the fight.

The Rod of the Black.

I've heard about him. The fight should be interesting.

Can you beat him? We'll see.

We've got nothing to lose.

Val?

Well...

Listen to me. Do not let Val go to the fight.

But she's already there.

I've heard a lot about you, Valerie Iron.

Look forward to facing someone as worthy as you.

Hey, you've got to stop them. They've got gunners on the roof.

Tasha, they've got machine gunners up on the roof.

They're planning on shooting Val whether she wins or loses.

You take them out while I fight her rod in the black.

How do I power this suit on?

Gee, that roof is really high.

Tasha, I don't think I could take out three machine gunners.

Maybe two if I got lucky, but three?

What was I thinking? Get me out of this suit, hurry.

What about Val? Come on, help me get out of this suit. Okay.

Shall we begin?

Any time, Tasha.

Tasha, if you ditch me now, that would be really mean.

Val, you've got us all.

So?

Is something wrong?

No.

Nothing. No, nothing's wrong at all. There's just a few local traditions that

must follow before we begin.

Of course.

I'm very sorry.

I did not realize that Los Angeles had any fighting traditions.

Oh, well, I guess you've never been to a Laker game.

Okay, first tradition is that we must bow together.

Stalling bow.

Stalling.

Then we must bow again.

Then traditionally we must click our heels together three times and say

no place like L .A. There's no place like L .A.

There's no place like L .A. There's no place like L .A. Okay, I'm dying here.

Tom.

Matsuji Naito, Dame Kashira.

Bow,

keep bowing. Then, grab your partner, Dosey Doe, swing him around and don't

go. Enough!

The positions are too complicated.

Time to fight.

Now withdraw your sword.

Or I'll cut you down without it.

Master trains to have the mind of a child.

Will you stand and fight?

I'm sorry. That was my fault. Sorry.

You truly are a great master.

Cleverly distract your opponent while he exposes himself.

What is the name of your style?

Oh, I'm a little Toshigatana, Prada, Versace. I don't have to wear, you know,

campaign panties. I mean your sword fighting style.

Oh, um, Drunken Monkey.

Drunken monkey?

Yeah. No one's ever been able to adapt that style of hand -to -hand fighting

sword. You are far more dangerous than I can ever imagine. I must focus my mind

and kill you quickly, or else I will surely die.

You can just give up.

Shame would be worse than death.

Bamboo pole.

Mutt -cut bamboo pole.

Update. We've got Val fighting Harata, Tasha on the roof fighting three machine

gunners, and Nikki is at Kusari looking for you. I tried to call her, but she

doesn't answer.

All right, I'll save Val. Quick, you make sure Nikki doesn't get into

all right?

But what about Tasha?

Tasha, she can handle a dozen gunners.

Come on.

Like you'll be in ten seconds.

Where's Johnny?

He's fine.

We're both fine.

Psycho.

You okay?

Yeah. Just tying up loose ends.

Hey.

You're not crying because you thought we were dead, are you?

Yeah. But don't tell anyone, all right?

Yeah, you got it.

I cannot live with the shame of being defeated.

Please, kill me, or I'll be forced to commit suicide.

Oh, get over yourself, Mr. Sword Guy.

I didn't defeat you. You totally psyched yourself out.

No, it was your great skills.

Well, if you're going to kill yourself after losing to me, then, you know,

you... You probably really hate your work, and you should find a new

What can we do to pay you back?

I don't know.

But Fuji's miso soup and a salmon skin roll sounds really good right now.

What an amazing warrior.

She not only tests my body, but my mind.

She, um, tests all of our minds.

Hey, you're making a mess.

This is good stuff. Mickey, I think the sushi shop is looking at you.

Look, he's checking it out.

Want to try some of this?

Here's your family's board.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

I heard Desmond got called back to Tokyo in disgrace.

I wonder what happened to Hirata. You don't know?

Hirata the Black?

Oh, it's just Hirata now. I'm apprenticing with Fujiwara to become a

chef. A sushi chef.

Yeah, it was his dad that was forcing him into the store business.

Yeah, I always hated it, but Valerie Irons opened my mind up to the

of living my true dreams.

Once again, Val, you cut straight through that fatty tuna to the meaty

Valerie, you have to see this. It's now our best -selling item.

Oh, that is so... You look a little beanbag monkey.

I've never seen one of these before.

No.

Never. Uh -oh, Val.

Put that knife away. You're scaring me.

Tell her that somebody's got to get hurt.

This episode of VIP featured music by Apollo 440.

Now for another VIP biography.

Valerie Iron.

Born 1973, Vancouver, British Columbia.

Specialty, drunken monkey fighting, bargain hunting, surprise attacks,

confusion, hair care, urban camouflage, cosmetic.

Valerie Young, she never ceased to amaze me.

She manages to get out of situations.

She's dancing to the beat of her own drum.

Seems like she's a little ditzy, but she always comes through.

Val is definitely a fish out of water, but she always is the come through gal.

You don't know what to expect when she's so unpredictable.

She's kind of like one of those, I got chocolate in your peanut butter

commercial. She is a very strong, beautiful woman.

Well, Val, she looks good.

She definitely does.

It's all about looking good. I have her back.

And Val watches my back, too. We like to help people.

We're good guys.