Original subtitles

Has it been four to six weeks already?

Sure has.

Oh my gosh.

Time really flies when you work at BMP.

Yeah. I thank you. You're welcome.

Come on, Kay, let's go. Client wait.

Uh, don't we have to wait for everybody else?

Nikki, Quick, Johnny, they're all meeting us over at Spider Dine for the

No Val?

No Val.

This guy Michael Ellens and Spider dying could be one of our biggest plans ever.

I don't need Val coming in and blowing it.

Uh, where exactly is Val right now?

Get this. I sent Val to protect Andy Eagle, some dot -com nerd who hired us

while he was giving a speech at the Beverly Hilton.

They're going to meet him at the mall, so basically they're going to be busy

a while.

Yeah. Right, right. I guess.

Are you coming or what?

Hey,

Val, you heard of Coolio that I came on with you?

Yeah. Tasha said this is a very important case. So, translation,

stuff case.

Oh, wait. Oh, no. Check this out. Somebody needs to tell her that wearing

spandex is not a right. It's a privilege.

Call 9 -1 -1. Tasha, emergency.

No.

I'm Andy Eagle.

Oh, of course you are.

I'm Valerie Irons, and this is my associate, Matt.

Hi.

So this thing you got going must be pretty big.

All I can say is people would kill for it. Well, it's a good thing we're

guarding you before you unveil it then, huh?

Here you go.

Compliments of Westgate security.

Just like you asked.

Impressive.

It's pretty clever hacking into someone else's surveillance.

Don't need an extra man to tell your target.

No witnesses.

Well, almost no witnesses.

Could you take a step backwards, please?

The beautiful and lethal Valerie Irons.

Plucked from obscurity to head an elite Los Angeles bodyguard agency.

They know how to get things done.

Immensely.

So who's Michael Ellens anyway?

Ellens is a cyber god.

Try not to drool on that really cool outfit.

Why

do

you think they call this guy Spider anyway?

Catches all the little guys in his web and eats them for breakfast.

Please empty your pockets of all electronic devices and weapons.

Come on.

We're the good guys.

Sorry, but this is an ultra -secure environment.

Ultra -secure?

Then what does Allen's need us for?

Oh, come on, you guys. It's Michael Allen.

The spider.

Kay's right.

If a guy this rich decides he needs more security, who are we to argue?

Just a meeting, Tucker.

Go next, Kay.

Kill the man without all packing.

Step back, please.

Spread your arms for me.

Underwire.

More support.

Go ahead.

These will give you a level two clearance.

Opens all the doors on the first floor.

Mr. Ellen's is waiting.

Right this way.

Spider's got a need for speed.

My kind of billionaire.

I really appreciate you guys taking me on as a client. I'm not really used to

being outside in the last few years.

Well, no problemo. Safety is my mental name. Or at least one of them, anyway.

You know, no matter how Jennifer Lopez you get, you still have to snag your own

coffee.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's wrong?

Max, you should know this could be poisoned.

I don't know.

Is this?

Phew. I'm glad you guys are on my side.

Yeah, well, in that case, spill it. I want to see this super secret thing.

Well, I get letting it out a little early can't hurt.

I have developed a net -centric, linguically agnostic, multi -task

system.

You make it sound like you've invented the platinum card. Oh, bigger.

People have tried developing web -based computer systems in the past, but they

all conflicted with each other.

Not anymore.

With EagleNet, you'll be able to control any appliance, I mean, in your home or

office, with nothing more than a wristband.

Even shop.

I mean, with this new technology, you're going to be able to go anywhere,

anytime. I could shop from the beach.

I do need a dress for Friday night.

I wonder if this new chandelier really cleans and conditions.

Why is Kansas City in Missouri?

Ow.

Like a clam.

Mine too.

Well. Look who's here.

VIP. Known the world over for their prowess.

I am in awe.

Yeah, Ellen, so are we.

But your little wristbands have gone haywire.

Actually, they're functioning quite nicely.

It's like this.

You are my prisoner.

Um, Spidey, Spider, we don't do tests if that's what this is. So basically this

interview's over.

You're going to wish you hired us as your bodyguards.

Because we know some things that the bad guys don't. Like how to break in or out

of an altruistic care environment.

Hey, did I mention your wristbands are a modified version of the house arrest

anklet? You know, the ones that keep convicts stuck at home.

Gives them exactly one minute to pop outside, get the paper, smell the roses.

Only these are packed with enough plastic explosives to obliterate the

So go ahead.

Blow off that lock. But in the name of good bodyguard -client relations, I

tell you, if you're out that door for more than a minute, the next sound you

hear will be exploding flesh.

All of yours.

If one of those wristbands is removed or out of range, they all go.

What the hell do you want?

I have everything I want.

And right now, that includes you.

You punk -ass wannabe computer. I heard that, Mr. Williams.

I barely heard myself.

How do you hear me?

Bone conductivity microphone.

Ultra -sensitive.

These wristbands are fairly sophisticated.

They run off of a web -based operating system.

That's a coincidence.

How so?

I read in Wired Magazine that Andy Eagle is revolutionizing the fairy

technology.

Wait a second.

You don't think that maybe... If Andy's designing a new operating system,

everyone else just becomes obsolete, including Ellen's.

There goes his 40 billion smackers.

So what are you trying to say?

Monitor Man's going to put us on ice and get rid of the little guy?

That's right.

This is no coincidence.

We've got to warn Val.

Computer?

Okay, target.

No offense, Kay, but I don't think those are going to get us out of here.

You'd be surprised.

monitors our speech by bone conductivity.

He can listen to what we say, not what we hear.

I'm not even going to ask where you got that.

It's the new Digibraw from Veronica's Secret.

That's what came airborne express this morning. Lucky for you, I downloaded my

speech synthesis program and Spiderdyne's architectural plan.

There's an unreinforced plaster wall right over

there.

Talk about a wonder bra. It leads to a crawl space into the elevator shaft.

But Spider's camera can see that wall.

Great. All right, maybe you can buy us some... Time.

The wristbands send and receive through the infrared port.

Okay, I'm working on it. Well, work a little faster.

I was trying to override the wristband's internal processor.

Maybe you should put your blouse on now, huh? But I did manage to reset the

countdown with an extra zero.

If they activate, we'll have ten minutes instead of one. Ten minutes?

All right, that gives me enough time to find a nice, quiet place.

Maybe I'll take a nap.

Only one of us can leave, or Ellen's will notice. I'll take the risk.

Ever tell you how much I admire your taste in jewelry?

Girl can never hear that enough.

You only have five minutes to find Val.

If you don't locate her by then, turn around and come back or else. Kaboom.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Oh, this.

I got it.

All right, what's up?

Thank

you.

Looks like Sleeping Beauty finally made it back to the land of the living.

Did you happen to see the fairy godmother in your dreams?

No, not the Wicked Witch either.

Maybe I need some more sleep.

I'll loan a check.

Time for someone else to snooze.

I could sleep.

I could use some rest, too.

Thank goodness I got my eight hours.

Somebody needs to stay awake around here.

So who's it gonna be?

Well, if it's not me, maybe it should be Nikki.

She can dream about her boyfriend, Slim Jim.

He'll get her where she's going faster.

I'm all over it.

In case you want to write your dreams down.

Computer update target location.

the big makeover.

Max, Val, this is it. This is what I needed. I'm going to kill it at the

symposium today. Man, I'm so stoked.

Well, it's a start.

What are you doing?

I can't tell you right now.

Just put the clothes on hold. I like the double breasted blue suit.

And we gotta get out of here.

And violate the shopping prime directed layaway?

Give me your credit card.

Now. I am not giving you my credit card.

What's wrong with the camera?

Why ask us?

You built it.

I want Miss Franco to step out where I can see her.

She's sleeping.

Put her on camera now, or I will detonate the wristbands.

Kay,

you heard the man.

Wake Nikki.

Flap her if you have to.

Wanted you to look in that, uh, chute door over there. Over there.

Have fun.

Nikki?

You're in danger.

Darn it, we're not in Candice anymore.

Come on, Nicky, wake up.

Lazy butt -out, come on.

Rise and shine, sleepyhead.

It's been real.

Nick!

What time you come back from La La Land?

What, girl can't get some shut -eye?

New rules starting now.

You screw around with me, you lose.

Did you see anything in your dream?

Nice. Slow me down. Forget that.

I don't care if Robo -Turd hears us. You hear that? I don't care.

He had plenty of time to turn us in the ground, Ralph.

And he didn't.

He wants us alive for a reason.

The Vols are setting us up for something.

Good.

Let's get going on that theory.

Darn it, darn it. We're on our own.

Come on, think. What would Tasha do now? I don't know. Beat some people up, tell

you to get down, beat some more people up.

That's it.

We've got to get to the symposium, we've got to hunker down, and Tasha knows

we're there, so she'll just meet us there.

Yeah, no visual.

That.

window shop and everything, but we've got to get you that speech.

No, no, no, no. I'm talking about that crazy Asian man.

Oh, oh, that's no crazy Asian man. That's Johnny.

Johnny who? No, Johnny Lowe.

Johnny! No, no, no, you have enough time to help us.

Wait, Val, I think he's pointing to an RS -1 wristband. Yeah, yeah, I invented

the software.

Oh, no.

This is Major.

This must be because they had that meeting with that, um...

Michael Ellens?

Beetle, spider, whatever. It was some icky bug.

Ellens is only the second largest computer tycoon in the world.

He's been on my case for years.

In a few minutes, you'll be transported to the Beverly Hilton, where your

mission, whether or not you choose to accept it, is to kill Andy Eagle.

All the necessary weapons will be provided.

No assembly required.

Every time I roll out a new idea, bam, Ellen's is there first.

Why couldn't you just stick to race car driving?

How do you go from race car driver to computer dude?

Not like there's anything wrong with that.

He built an onboard processor for the Italian Ferrari team. They kept winning,

so they backed him. But now he's just a power -mad mogul.

Oh, you're going to be a power -mad mogul one day.

I believe that.

I just had a thought. Oh, my gosh, did it hurt?

If Tasha and everybody knows we're here, maybe the power man, Oglemay, knows

we're here, too.

That means he probably has some knife -wielding assassins outside just waiting

on him. Oh, no, and he's in real trouble.

Oh, and it totally bites because he's really a nice guy.

Well, we just can't let him know he's in danger.

Guys,

I'm three feet away from you. I can hear you.

Well, Andy?

I'm a professional bodyguard. I'm not going to let anything happen to us,

I promise.

We're just going to hide in here.

Screw it.

He's never gonna make it back.

Quick would never give up.

You know, Tasha, I never got to thank you for saving my life in

Chinatown.

It's been an honor to work with all of you.

Even me?

Even you, Kay.

Johnny.

There's been something I've been meaning to say.

It's just that... I never

told you how much that I...

I never told you how much I... I... I think these things have stopped.

You're not so bad yourself.

I warned you not to tamper with the wristbands.

Fortunately for you, you're no use to me dead.

So I gave you a little reprieve.

Get ready to rock and roll.

It's Andy killing time.

No answer.

So we're just going to have to wait.

Oh, so I don't get to make my speech?

No, I'm sorry, Andy.

You have no idea how relieved I am.

Why? I thought you were so stoked.

Oh, oh, I think Andy means that he's just going to make the speech later.

Oh,

no, you see, that's why Ellen's is a billionaire, and I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm...

I'm not very rich.

Why do you think I stay home in my apartment all the time, tinkering?

I'm great with ideas, but I'm just not really a come -through guy.

Oh, well, Andy, you hired me to make sure that speech gets given, and I'm

to make sure that happens. So you two stay here and don't let anybody in,

Except for me.

All right? So I'm going to...

It's all right, Andy.

Ellen doesn't know Quick is gone.

He's going to find out real fast if he doesn't get back here.

Guys, this is mega politically incorrect.

But did you see Weekend at Bernie's? You mean the dead guy in the shack? Yeah.

Quick's coat.

Get his head down.

What's going on here?

Boss's orders.

Our friend Quick here is not doing too well, but he'll be fine. All right.

Field trip.

All aboard.

Cute.

Have a seat, Quick.

Now for our keynote speaker, Andy Eagle.

Seems there's been a slight change of plans.

Speaking on Mr. Eagle's behalf is his CFO, Valerie Irons.

Hello.

Oh, hi.

Andy's newly appointed CFO, chief fashion officer, a job I take very, very

seriously. As we move into the new millennium, there are two things that

this big planet of ours, technology and fashion.

Computers are a lot like clothes. You know, when they get old and stinky, you

don't wait for them to come back in style. You just toss them away and

I was right. Ellen's did steal my design.

Oh, it's a bone conductivity

mic. That's a nice modification.

Big

Brother's

everywhere. Yes, he is.

Now, you know the plan.

Aim.

Shoot. You're wigging if you think we're going to do that. If you don't, you

die.

He's going to spark us either way. But if we refuse, he gets nothing.

You're forgetting. I always get what I want. And remember, I may have shut off

your timers, but I can detonate your wristbands at any time.

I'll be checking in with you soon.

Ellen knows we won't kill this guy.

But he's setting us up. How?

Now, I may not know the difference between a television and a monitor, but

I do know is that computers are good.

Except for maybe that one in War Games that tried to blow up the world. That

kind of sucked.

But if they use Andy's new Gizmo Systemtron, they're only a mouth click

from the fashion mechas of the world.

And the days of the fashion crises are over.

That's not my speech.

Attention. VIP has taken over the building.

They are armed and dangerous.

I'm sure there's a logical explanation for this.

They have taken any evil hostage and will kill anyone who gets in their way.

Val, Max,

get Andy out of here.

You're the only ones not set to blow.

You mean you're not kidnapping Andy?

Rescue is the setup.

Guys, we have a bigger problem. The timers are back on.

It's no use. It's shatterproof.

Yeah, until we all go boom. Great. We were seen kidnapping Andy for the

symposium. Yeah, and our names all over the van.

And in a botched assassination attempt, we all blow up.

Andy, you built these thingies. Don't you know how to shut them off? If I had

the right password, I might be able to remove them, but I can't control the

explosion part.

Enough jawboning.

There should be a circuit breaker here somewhere.

I'll start a random password generator on my TV prop.

There's not enough time.

We need to be clever.

What's Ellen's password?

Think,

think, think.

Ellen's.

Birth date?

Divorce date?

Favorite junk food? Cheetos, Doritos, Fritos.

Gummy worms.

Maybe favorite TV star? Skipper, Gilligan, Marianne, TJ.

Dog's name?

Cat's name?

Pet name for his, you know... Oh, that's it. It is?

No, not that, but his nickname.

Spider.

Wait a second. He spells spider dying with a Y.

But his name?

It's so but too wide.

And Ellen wins again.

No. He doesn't win if you don't let him. Huh?

Come on, come on. How does a guy like Ellen's think?

All right, Andy.

Now's the time.

Hmm? Be our come through guy. You can do it. We believe in you.

You do?

Yes, come on. You can do it.

Okay.

Okay, just let me focus.

Passwords are deeply personal, so what does he love most?

Himself.

Yes, but he defines himself on larger terms. He's bigger, faster,

sleeker than the ordinary man. He's nervous of steel and speed.

I've got it.

I'm gonna call it a day.

Andy figured out your password.

You'd think for a super brainy billionaire you'd come up with something

less obvious than your Johnny Hot Sausage Ferrari.

Now we know what Spider with a Y means.

Andy? I was always intimidated by you, Spider.

But not anymore.

Today is the dawn of a new Andy Eagle. Today the eagle soars and you lose.

Yeah, and another thing.

Could have picked out a better color for your stupid wristbands.

Metallic was so last year.

The timer's set for one minute.

No one will ever suspect us.

We're out of here.

Ah, it's a loser.

Uh, guys.

Guys, guys, wait a second.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You can't just leave me like this.

Wait a second, wait a second.

Guys, come on.

You can't just leave me like this.

up, are you?

The police are on their way.

Come on! You can't just leave me like this! This is gonna explode!

Andy's getting me some sweet DeagleNet stock options.

Oh my gosh!

That's supposed to be the biggest IPO in NASDAQ history!

Well, score one for the little guy.

My friends are the spider, Don, and all I got was this crummy T -shirt.

Oh,

and look at my wristband.

Check it out. Check it out. Check it out how fabulous it is. Wait.

Is that what I think it is? It's better than the clapper. It turns on my TV,

plays my surround sound, activates my blender, and closes the garage.

Keep it away from me.

Oh, speaking of you, what are you going to say to Johnny in your last moments of

life on the planet?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah, um, what were you going to say?

Hmm?

You don't know what I was going to say?

Well,

I was going to say... You better buy me a drink if we get out of

this alive.

Everybody knows you guys are going to drop it like a pie. See you later.

This episode of VIP featured music by Power Man 5000.

Another VIP by our group.

Natasha Andre Dexter.

Born Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. Year unknown.

Miss Dexter's specialties. Hand -to -hand combat. Small arms fire. Large

fire. Helicopter pilot. Tactical assault. Knives. Undercover

speed drive. Information capture. Torture. What's the scariest thing I've

done?

infiltrate a Russian military site, dive into the laser tours, escape from a

gulag, or teaming up with Val Irons.

All I really ask of people is that they do their jobs.

I'm a professional bodyguard. I'm not going to let anything happen to us,

There's an okay right, and then there's what she does.

What's going to hide in here?

I hope nobody has to pee.

And that fluffy stuff she wears, I don't understand that.

Check it out, how fabulous it is.

Let me tell you about what I've learned from Val Irons.

Nothing. Nothing!

We're not guns for hire.

We have integrity.

We don't want innocent people hurt. The VIP has taken over the building.

They are armed and dangerous.

I like my gun.

Fast cars are nice.

Sharp knives are even better.

If there are 20 ways to take a man down.

Just a meeting time.

More options for me. It's sort of fun.