Original subtitles

Special orders from the Minister of Justice.

Bring me the teeth.

You can't.

What year is it?

Year of the dog.

At least in China.

You finally got to kill me.

Not quite so lucky. You've been moved to the work furlough.

Now go.

You smell bad.

I've been stuck for 22 years in your hellhole.

Without deodorant.

We're going to take this buggy all the way to Honduras?

Got a C -70 twin -passenger turbojet with radar deflection. Part six files

here. Nice.

What about that file?

Jet Ironswad tripwired three months ago.

A call from his daughter to a home in Maui.

Ooh, Valerie.

Must have been just a tank when I knew Jet.

She's all grown up now and extremely dangerous.

She gets involved, we could be in trouble.

Yeah, I'm not worried.

Well, you should be.

She's a lot tougher than she looks.

Well, now that you say that, I can't wait to meet her.

It was just a girl looking at a hot dog stand when a movie star asked me out on

a date.

I happened to save his life, and so in order to save his life, he told

that I'm a professional bodyguard.

Which, of course, I am not. Trust me. So then I was asked to be a figurehead at

a bodyguard agency, and they said I'd never have to use any weapons or be in

danger. And I always am.

Okay. Playing video games again?

Not exactly.

I'm trying out my new genealogy program.

It's something you might find interesting.

Voila! The origins of Johnny Lowe.

Hey.

According to this, I'm related to the Prince of Kai Tong of the Cho Dynasty.

Pretty wild.

It's totally wild. I discovered that I had two relatives on the Mayflower.

Henry, And Florence Hardcastle. Hello.

Hello.

Try, um, try Val.

Val is iron.

Father is like this total mystery man.

Did you know when she was only five years old, he left the family?

She tracked him down earlier this year in Maui and left him a message, but he

never called her back.

Hmm. That's sad.

Yeah.

Tasha. Try Tasha.

Tasha? Yes, sir.

Thanks.

Got a guy in Hawaii just reported in.

Looks like jet irons cleared out three days ago.

You get a beat on the mother and daughter?

We're sitting ducks.

Well, break out the 12 gauge.

Go duck hunting. I'll flush your mouth.

Got it.

Your dad?

I thought you didn't know him.

Well, that's my last memory of him before he bailed. Oh, that's nice.

The kite, not the bailing.

Thanks.

That guy has been following us.

From the cotton candy stand to the infant booth where the flower had to

Oh, well, in fact, we're going to make his move.

Nobody has a phone shop in Paris with us.

Something's fishy.

Let's get out of here.

We lost him.

Come with me.

Any trouble and you get hurt.

Listen, mister.

I don't know what kind of stalker creeper you are, but I saw the travel

once and it was on Australia and I am not afraid to use this.

or we won't go so easy on your mother when we find her.

Something like raid out of this thing. This isn't bug spray.

It contains dioxin.

Very similar to Agent Orange.

Isn't that stuff illegal?

Now, yes.

But if you were a high -level CIA agent in the late 70s, standard issue.

So you're saying the baseball cap guy is some kind of a spy?

Or he's got a 20 -year -old weapon that belongs to one.

Don't take it. Call can be traced.

Not to worry.

I'm rerouting a call through Parsippany Nutrients.

Hi, Mrs. I. How are you?

Mom, are you okay?

Oh, thank goodness.

Speak faster. I can't understand you.

Oh, you're on a plane to Jamaica?

Reclining seats, first class. That's great.

My mom's okay. She just wants some kind of free vacation package.

Yes, I'm still using the conditioner you sent me.

Yeah, I'm getting plenty of calcium.

Yeah, she's here.

She's, um, unavoidably detained. She's polishing her bullets or something.

Okay, Mom. I love you, too. Bye -bye.

My mom says hi, and, uh, you're her favorite.

Really? I thought I was her favorite.

So what's up with the chip bag?

Not sure.

Tasha's not sure about something?

Let me call my mom, and then you won't be her favorite anymore.

I mean, I'm not sure if you'd believe me.

I have to talk to a CIA friend of mine.

Ron, go play La Femme Nikita.

This is nice.

You and me.

You're after my brain again, aren't you?

Maybe a little more.

Remember the good times in Chernobyl?

Oh, scorching in every sense.

I bet you still carry around your old radiation V -tag.

Tasha, telling me you're finally going nuclear on me?

We should probably get him on telephone.

Later, if you're lucky.

Where did you get that?

It's an old CIA issue. It hasn't been in circulation in two decades.

Tell me something I don't know.

Like why this canister lights up your B -tag.

It's radioactive.

I didn't believe it either.

Do you have any idea how this thing got... Thermo in the first place?

That's what I need you to find out.

CIA. Maybe it ties into an old mission.

A 20 -year -old mission?

All right.

Better check this out. I'll get back to you. Hey.

Why do I get the feeling this thing just got more important than I already told

you? Because it is.

Something said?

Making me shopping. Totally got my mind off all the bad stuff.

Tai Chi does that for me.

Boring. As long as your gut clears my skull.

Huh?

You guys are so made for each other.

Those were warning shots.

Give us Valerie Irons and we let you live.

Well, dude's in the Hummer, but I am not going to play monkey in the middle.

Look, I need to talk to you.

No.

I'm armed.

All right, listen to me. Oh, my Italian imports.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Who's this dude? He totally attacked me.

But then he went to pick up my shoe. Like, it was really nice. I don't get

You really don't know who this is?

No.

Jed Iron?

What? Val, it's your dad.

Are you really my father?

Your mother seemed to think so.

Nice try, Mr. Sneaky.

You didn't really rush out and try and contact us or anything.

There's so many options these days. Voicemail, email, snail mail, smoke

I had my reasons.

You and your mother were... Mother?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, she got some reward in the mail. That could have come

from... Me, I sent it.

To get her to safety.

Kingston, Jamaica, four days, three nights.

Well, how come you didn't send me the Bob Marley vacation package?

I knew you wouldn't buy it.

You're right.

It is so the rainy season there right now. I see.

And from all I've read about you, I know you're as clever as your old man.

I remember this time when you were five years old, I got you your first kite.

Took it out flying and tail ripped off.

You, you just pulled a ribbon out of your hair and tied a bracelet to it and

were back in business.

I've got to go.

What? No, wait, wait, wait.

Wait a second, wait a second.

That's not going to be like for another 22 years, is it? Because if that's the

case, I'm not even going to ask for a hug.

Now, look, right now, I've got to get those men parked out front to follow me

and stop watching you.

We'll meet up at your hangout at the beach.

Well, why don't we just send a decoy out for you and they'll keep their eyes off

both of us? Well, this isn't something you can fix with a ribbon and a

Dad, you just said that I was clever.

When did you start believing me?

That I'm your father?

A couple of seconds ago.

You told me the kind story.

This decoy thing, are you open for suggestions?

What? They take us for idiots?

Those are decoys.

They're still in the penthouse.

Go.

Yeah, keep your eyes on the road.

I don't suppose if I told you to back off this case, you would listen.

It's radioactive.

How much hotter can it get?

Project Omega ring a bell?

I didn't think so.

Agency's dossiers have all been purged, but I, uh...

Crossed reference for radioactivity.

And I found this.

Internal CIA supply requisition for radiation.

Paraguay station file name Omega.

It was an agent codenamed Ferris. He was never accounted for. He just

disappeared 22 years ago.

That's the best I could bring out of the files.

Thanks, Dante.

I should be somewhere.

Tasha, Tasha, I said that's the best I could get from the files.

As it happens, there's still a few people around that remember what went

Paraguay 22 years ago.

Oh, now I got your attention.

Well, Max, this is the way it's going to have to be.

Strange men following me, trying to kill me.

I'll probably have to do undercover and wear stupid, crazy outfits all the time.

Just keep on the move.

Sounds like your life story, Val.

Yeah, well, now there's this fugitive spin on it.

David Jansen or Harrison Ford?

Harrison Ford.

Max, I'm serious.

You probably shouldn't even be with me right now. It's much too dangerous.

Well, I tried to go back to our beautiful penthouse, but guess what,

that remains could fit into a plastic baggie. We are homeless, Val.

Well, my dad could have been in that baggie.

Whatever.

What? What?

Well, I hate to say it, but how much do you actually know about him?

Okay, Val, he flew a kite with you when you were five years old. I'm sorry, but

I am not going to give him the world's greatest dad coffee mug.

Well, I believe in him.

I know you do, honey. Just be careful.

Oh, thanks for the vote of confidence.

Well,

I gotta go, and I gotta meet him. And don't fall...

I thought the whole idea was to meet in public.

I needed to talk to you.

Really talk.

So what did you do? Use your super -duper spritzer spray and drag everybody

of here?

Much simpler than that. I rented the place out for the night.

But don't worry, I put motion sensors around the perimeter.

Pretty tricky.

I want you to understand, I had to leave.

I know.

I know, and you can't tell me why.

Not now.

Maybe this will explain it.

hurt you and here i was looking out for you it's a friend of yours guess so

can't even say it can you and you you're a little rusty

my motion sensor would you pick that thing up toys r us or does it date all

way back to project omega oh my god soon as i get my screwed up family life back

together like everybody else you gotta turn into some super duper project amigo

omega that is what you called it back then isn't it i wanted to forget i bet

did And since you didn't want to know... Tasha Dexter, get your caboose back

here and fill it.

The code name Ferris threw me at first, until I saw it in writing.

Ferris.

The chemical name for iron.

You were a CIA agent, one of four that went in on Project Omega.

Not a house painter.

He's 00 Dad.

Well, that still doesn't explain why he had to leave.

Sure it does.

When you know about Omega.

This is it, boys.

Their assignment was to irradiate a weapons cache in Paraguay.

Going hot.

But you didn't follow the game plan, did you, Jed?

No.

on. Who's going to believe a cockamamie story like that?

Dad?

We got company.

God, it's getting worse by the minute.

works for me.

What?

Jedediah Irons.

You're under arrest for sedition, conspiracy, the murder of government

and high treason against your country.

Aren't you gonna read me my rights?

These old grainy photos don't make any sense to me.

We weren't even sure if Cain was still alive until he bribed a guard to get us

message.

Once he was transferred to an outside work detail, that's when we made our

and extracted him.

Very ramble of you.

Can I take my dad now? I really want to talk to him.

Sorry.

He's being interrogated.

You're going to trust a guy who was in a hole for 22 years?

Kane.

Even back then he was a loose cannon.

Today he wouldn't even pass the agency's psychological exam.

But he wound up in a hole.

Two others were shipped back to us dead.

That just leaves your father.

He never came back to us.

He never came back to you. I don't know. If you've got a better explanation, I'm

all ears.

I'm just going to go, okay? So don't try and stop me.

And I'm sure when I come back, you'll have the whole thing figured out and I

assure you my dad did not kill anybody.

You're free to go.

The agency doesn't waste civilians.

Not anymore.

Not without good reason.

I rotted in a cell for 22 years because of you.

I sent you a cake with a chisel in it. Don't tell me you didn't get it.

You have something of mine.

Oh, let me guess.

The size of a cigar box.

Superman can't see through it.

Where is it?

Find it yourself.

You might as well tell me.

You're gonna die anyway.

I hope it doesn't self -destruct in five seconds.

Valerie, it was wonderful to see you again after all this time.

Except when you hit me in the head with that pipe. That hurt.

In case something should happen to me, I wanted you to know the truth about what

happened on Project Omega.

I was the break -in specialist on the mission.

My job was to get us inside.

This is it, boys.

Our assignment, knock out an insurgent communist army by getting rid of all

their weapons.

Dealing them would take a half a dozen armed trucks.

Blowing the place up would leave the U .S. with a lot of explaining to do.

The way we did it was pretty clever, actually.

Contaminate the place with a small radiation device, cobalt and iodine,

some jet fuel.

We made all those weapons unusable.

It was perfect.

Except that our mission leader had other plans.

This place is toasty. Let's go home.

You play with a nuclear device, even a limited one, and it's bad karma.

Uncle Sam can't afford any witnesses.

I'm sorry, guys.

You're politically expendable.

I'm just following the order.

A souvenir?

Oh, this is just a little personal bonus, and I don't like sharing.

I guess I better hang on to my pension fund. You show your face anywhere,

be taken out.

Anybody you contact will be killed.

This is not a hallmark moment.

Val, your dad, like, got the veto.

That's really shocking.

I got a hunch where they're taking your father.

I just hope it's not too late.

CIA lockup.

It's the most sophisticated holding plant in the Western Hemisphere.

It makes Fort Knox look like Candyland.

That's my dad.

What are they doing there? They don't, like, wash your brains like in the

pile, do they?

CIA's got a nickname for that place.

The Retirement Center.

My dad has all his hair and does like 10 ,000 sit -ups a day. He's not ready to

retire.

Retirement as in permanent retirement.

Once you go in, you don't come out.

That's it. Bring it over. Easy, easy.

Lower, lower.

Bring it over.

That's it. You've got to be careful with this area right here.

What?

I didn't even touch it. I know, but Johnny did.

Hey, Nicky, do not disturb them.

These strings are placed exactly like the laser beams at the detention center.

It is important that Tasha's every move be precisely choreographed.

We have to remember to refill that little soap thingy in the ladies' room.

What is this, the Tai Chi cha -cha?

Try we're rescuing your dad.

My dad?

Well, then I'm making an executive decision. I'm going in.

Fine.

Knock yourself out. You're looking at someone who navigated the Barney's

clearance sale.

How hard could this be?

All righty, then. You keep practicing, but I think I've got it down.

We'll meet quick in Nicky at the site.

Right.

My pal, you were getting close.

Okay.

Just wait a second, you guys. I'm just going to be a minute.

That's all. It's my dad. I'm coming.

Tasha, it's her dad.

All righty. Okay, for starters, we use methane filters and scubuses to walk

through the sewage tunnel that leads to the northeast quadrant.

Ew.

Kay and I will disable the loading dock door. It's a computerized lock guarded

by a single camera.

That'll get us inside while Quick, Nicky, and Johnny guard our flanks.

We rendezvous inside the hallway leading to Jed's cell.

Nikki and Quick are on guard outside.

Where's Val?

Here I am.

I'm shooting all the other cameras just in case. You know, this gun is exactly

like my blow dryer.

Ow.

I'm thinking a lot, Val.

I'm sorry.

Val, I think you hit a nerve.

Can you bend your leg? I don't think so.

Someone else is going to have to go.

Hey, I'm the guy, Doc.

I need to monitor the computer tab.

all the strings kind of like twister don't get cocky

okay yeah

that's it slow slow good that's it good good

easy

Okay, so far, so good.

I'm so glad I didn't eat that third scoop of Haagen -Dazs.

Great, Johnny, right there. Watch out, watch out.

Tasha, please, no backseat drivers, okay?

Val,

flatten out.

Behind door number two.

Why did you guys get in here?

Donald did it.

That's my girl.

Who's going to help you learn?

Okay, this reunion thing is great, but let's do it some other time, okay?

Let's go, let's go.

There's going to be quite a party here any minute.

Told you they'd come.

You said they'd get stopped at the perimeter fence. What's the difference?

got them out here caught in the act.

Now I have every reason in the world to finish the mission I started 22 years

ago.

Kindly drop your weapons to the ground, ladies and gentlemen.

So what are you going to do, shoot him?

And then kill us all in cold blood?

No!

He's out in the back trying to escape.

Don't you guys get it? This isn't about a mission. It's about revenge.

Wrong. Well, it's about revenge for me. But for these guys, it's all about the

six million that's in that little lead box you took from me.

Oh, my God. He's not 00, Dad.

He's the six million dollar man.

Uh, guys, you might just want to wait.

Mr. Eckley's going to be here any minute.

Nice work, King.

All right.

Change of plans.

You don't get shot in the back. You get executed.

Committing murder on government property.

If I might suggest, sir, we really can't afford any witnesses, and they've

already killed one man.

That's not true.

I'm not surprised.

He's telling everyone lies.

You're not falling for this, are you?

Stand down.

This is my call.

You have to understand, the agency was a different place 22 years ago.

Wait a second, I thought you didn't, um, waste civilians anymore.

I said without good reason. There's reason enough for me to waste a scum

But hold on, Omega Man.

It's your stupid fault you lost the damn box and you fell in the smelly hole,

okay?

You just aren't very good, and my dad kicked your ass.

Well, what are you doing?

That girl, he said he was a loose cannon, so I'm gonna drive him crazy

Nicholson in A Few Good Men.

Stay with me.

And what's with the greasy hair?

It's so...

Johnny Depp.

Yeah, and where Cain comes from, his mama probably married her brother.

That's just about enough of that.

The party is on me.

Nuclear ruby?

This will definitely keep the party going, man.

Wow. That's pretty generous of you, Mr. Ott.

There's a little more of where that came from.

What?

Okay,

Dad.

I love you. I don't want to make you the fall guy.

But there's a little matter of our apartment that blew up into smithereens

now we have no place to live. We're homeless.

There's some killer vacant apartments just down the street.

Oh, life on the beach, volleyball players with tight spots, rollerblading

with tight spots.

I want to live in a high -rise apartment anyway. That elephant eye made my ears

pop. And that pool. What's up with that pool? Anyway, it was like two feet deep,

and it goes all over the top. All right, all right, all right. Wherever you end

up, I think I can handle it down there.

Oh, thank you.

Boy, well, now we'll never get Val in the office.

That's not such a bad idea.

So,

what's up next for Mr.

Secret Agent Man?

Well, a CIA background and high -tech breaking skills looks good on any

I know some people on the international spy market. I can make a call.

Thanks, but I already have an assignment. And if I told you... I'd

you. Good one.

Love you.