Original subtitles

Rod Bernstein is the hottest director.

Nikki says it's full of hot air.

Well, Nikki obviously didn't see the E! special hosted by Jewel Kasnett for the

whole one hour.

So, uh, who are we bodyguarding him from?

Nothing, that's the thing. We just have to carry a can of film.

That's it? Yeah, no biggie.

Listen, hey, I'm late for a meeting with Mel Gibson, okay?

You have something my employers want.

Everyone wants what I got. Talent.

Last week I made Skywalker Ranch. George gets on his knees and says, Rod, baby,

I need you to direct episode two.

I'm like, chill, G. Throw in some gross points and Natalie Portman's home phone

number. Then we'll talk.

Where's the film, Abe?

I don't have it. Honest, man. I don't have it.

Well, then you're coming with me. Some people want to talk to you. No, no.

Turbo!

You big dope.

This is the meeting spot.

Where is he?

Well, you know, Bernstein's a very busy guy. He's a mover and shaker.

That's him! That's God!

He's moving and shaking, all right.

You guys okay?

What? Don't we look okay?

I was just a girl working at a hot dog stand when a movie star asked me out on

date. I happened to save his life, and so in order to save his life, he told

everybody that I'm a professional bodyguard.

Which, of course, I am not. Trust me. So then I was asked to be a figurehead at

a bodyguard agency, and they said I'd never have to use any weapons or be in

danger. And I always am.

Yeah, right, right. But look, just have your people call my people, all right?

All right. Ciao, baby.

Bruckheimer wants me to do Armageddon 2. The guy won't stop sweating.

I love that movie.

Hey, come on. How can I comment at Earth again?

It doesn't. This time the Earth gets knocked out of its orbit and crashes

Mars. I'll definitely see that.

That makes no sense.

A $200 million budget makes all the sense I need.

Welcome to our client's house.

It's original.

I'll say that. Well, that's because I always got to be in motion, you know?

Keeps me fresh.

There's probably a jacuzzi in there.

My man, think you could hold on to this for me?

If it rings like this, that's my mom. Tell her I'm busy. She bugs me.

If it rings like this, well, that's my agent. Big deal.

Take a message.

And if it rings like this, well, that's my massage therapist. Tell her to heat

up the oil and I'll be there in two minutes.

I... Look, I don't think anyone's going to call you today, okay?

Now, Tasha, he's all yours.

I'll stand guard.

Jimmy Hendrix originally owned this rig.

I overpaid for it, but as you can see, it had sentimental value.

Really, it says right there that it was built in 1985.

Didn't Jimmy die in 1970?

Couldn't tell you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Handle the merchandise.

That's Alvin. He came with the bus.

He's a real authentic slacker.

Plus, he's mute.

Oh, no.

What's he videotaping?

Well, Alvin's chronicling my life for the making of behind -the -scenes story.

But you're not filming a movie now.

Not technically, no. But this is all part of the process.

Whatever film I make next, this is the making of it.

Hi.

So what about that guy threatening you?

Worked with some plastic surgeons who funded a movie I made before I became

boppo box office.

I sank a mill into production, shot some film, then I landed the big nasty.

Doc's film got moved to the back burner.

End of story.

Except for you never delivered the million dollar movie.

Well, I gave the footage to my ex -gal pal Carly.

Not to worry.

She's going to turn the film in to me tomorrow.

Oh. So you just need us to stick around until tomorrow and make sure no one

breaks your kneecaps or kicks you in the shin.

Right. Now, Carly's M .I .A., but the doorman at Sky Bar says she's dating

Demetrius Washington.

The filmmaker?

We're going to meet him at my storage facility.

No, I just showed a doctor with you. I'm not going to go to some stupid alley

with orange roll -up doors.

Val, it's going to be so hot.

Nikki, pink team's punching out.

Send the reserves.

Welcome to paradise.

Hey.

Bad move, Nimrod.

Ease off, killer.

Do you guys beat up everyone you meet?

You know this clown?

That's Lance, the bouncer from our party.

Excuse me, Lance.

Two bills a month is cheaper than a night at a hotel.

You know the best part?

After the party's over, no cleanup. Just roll down the door and move on.

Oh, hey.

Shake it. Don't break it. It took your mama nine months to make it.

Get lost.

Yo, yo, yo.

Zero chance.

As if I want one.

We're looking for a 10 -20 on Carly.

Right now?

We'll find her an archery practice in Palisades Park.

You could drive yourself, Hot Rod.

Too many people around.

I'll tail them.

Just do it. Don't worry.

I'll complete the job.

Yes, I love new car gift packages.

It's my new ride.

Carly wanted the lead role in The Big Nasty.

Studio said Ixnay. She was already too old.

That is so Hollywood.

Yeah, I know.

Sometimes this place just thickens me.

What was I saying?

How much Hollywood thickens you.

Yeah.

Thickening.

Uh, hey, Val.

Uh, I think we're being followed.

Of course we are, Tasha and Johnny. Tell us where we go. Well, do Tasha and

Johnny drive a big, clunky, blackout van like that one?

You know what? I saw one of these cars in a James Bond movie. I'm sure they

some gadgets somewhere that'll help us out here.

Thank you.

Okay,

this is the casting session, right? So here's what I don't get.

Rob's not actually making a movie, is he?

We're complaining.

Do you?

One more time, sweetheart.

And action.

Oh, you do that really nice.

Yeah.

Ooh.

And scene.

Oh, that was.

Totally believed you as a cocktail waitress. You had it totally down.

That's Jackie.

Don't listen to her, okay?

She's my casting director. She's just having a bad day, okay? Now, I promise.

We're going to find you something, okay?

All right, Miss Lady.

Oh.

Oh. That's 23 girls you promised speaking parts to.

Look.

I plan on being in this business a long time. Four or five years minimum.

They'll all get a chance to work with a Rotterino at some point.

Listen, I hate to interrupt your Sundance Channel moment, but is the man

$1 million that you owe?

Or is it $3 million?

Do you not like girls? Is that the problem?

You know, in China, we have a name for people like you.

Wait a minute.

Are you calling me a liar?

What if I am?

Alvin, instant replay.

Roll film.

Like

I

said. I did sink a million to that film.

I never said how much the doctor gave me.

And the other two million?

Lifestyle. Part of my creative process.

So after casting, we go see Carly and get the doctor to film. Okay?

Fine.

As long as you start being straight with us.

Hi, guys.

I'll just go off the phone with Kay.

Pacific Electric Motors says you've had the Mercedes out a little too long for a

test drive. They want it back.

I'll tell you what.

Well, I never said I bought the car.

I'm ready for my archery class.

I sold it to Chick Morris for $50 ,000.

You gave that sleazeball producer my film for a lousy $50 ,000? I sank a

into that movie, not to mention the blood, sweat, and talent.

You were on the set two days.

The hardest two days I ever worked?

Carly, how could you?

You know why, loser.

Oh, yeah, you're just mad because he didn't put you in the big nasty.

So get over it. Is that what he told you?

I dumped his sorry ass because I caught him with my best friend.

All we were doing was talking.

Nobody believes me.

You know, I was really pissed at you, Rod, but I've worked through it.

Just right here.

Just relax.

Okay.

Throw the arrow back.

Breathe.

Close your eyes.

Visualize the target.

And release.

Thank you.

We were just looking for an investment opportunity with this Bernstein guy.

Maybe a write -off. We did not sign on for this whole violence thing.

Fine. But he's hired Valerie Iron's protection.

I gotta step it up.

Wait a minute. You said write -off.

If this movie were never made, and we were to write it off, then couldn't we

recoup most of our initial investment?

Most of it.

But why not get the three mil, too?

Kovac, make sure that movie never sees the light of day.

Yeah, and while you're at it, get our three mil.

Do whatever you have to, okay?

Violence is fine.

Just double my Infinity Cools red scene, we'll fix it in post.

Listen, you hacker, I'm with the first dead body on page two, not ten.

I pre -sold those breasts in 27 countries.

Nude scene means nude.

Come on, let's check Mars.

Hello, Your Majesty.

Oh, the beautiful, lethal Valerie Irons. I have the perfect starring vehicle for

you. Really?

Titanic 3 in 3D.

Oh, shoot, I missed number two.

Uh, Val, they haven't made part two.

That's the genius of it.

Interested? Sure, send me a script.

Oh, oh, yeah, um, this is Rod Bernstein, and we would really like his movie

back. Oh, sorry.

That film's a keeper.

You watched it? Not one frame.

Okay, then, um, we'll just give you the 50 grand that you paid Carly for it.

50 grand?

Carly gave it to me for two grand and one line part in my last film.

Oh, good. We'll just give you the two grand then.

Do you, um, take plastic?

I don't know. What's your credit limit like?

See, now it's worth a million.

I thought you said you haven't watched it. It's worth a million because you

it so badly.

So watch it and let's deal.

It might blow chunks.

In that case, I'll take two million for wasting my time.

This is ridiculous.

Rod.

Okay? Mr. Big Shot, all right, I need the film. You got the girls in the

Can you just give me my film? Is that a problem? You got the goatee, you got a

hairy chest and all, but I need my film.

Our client is in real danger, and we need that movie back.

Fine.

We'll deal with this like normal human beings.

Arm wrestling!

Winner gets the film.

I have to warn you.

I've been known to amputate arms all over the planet.

So, you're going down, sucker.

Ready?

Deck!

Razzle!

That was easy.

You need a little more protein powder.

This is Hollywood.

Nothing's fair.

The Texas Chainsaw Mascara?

Now this looks like a good script. I can tell from the title. I don't even have

to read it.

This is going to be a great movie.

So I have an idea.

Why don't we have Rod direct this one for you in exchange for his film?

You've got yourself a deal.

Billy! Yes?

Stick a film can marked Rod Bernstein and get over here to the Yacht Club.

chop.

Why doesn't the guy just give me the film? What is the problem with him?

Mr.

Chick, Mr. Chick, I got the film.

Billy's going to Davy Jones' locker unless we do something.

Billy! Amanda Chick!

John!

Well,

take care of the film.

Let's grab Bernstein.

Not done with you.

Take care of him.

Not you. The guys on the shore wanted you.

We've got to find the man who's after you.

You have a name?

I don't know.

Herpes Medical Group. Something like that. I couldn't find the listing

It can't be herpes. That's gross.

Are you sure you don't mean Hermes?

Yeah, that guy.

Hermes was a Greek mythological figure who carried a wand called the caduceus,

which has become the symbol of the medical profession.

Corporations frequently change their name for tax purposes, but they keep

logo to save money.

Aha! Here it is.

Brentwood Reconstructive and Cosmetic Surgical Group of California, Inc.

A professional corporation.

That's so plain vanilla.

Herpes was better.

Kay, can you work up a couple college diplomas on that thing?

I guess.

But why?

Because I'm going in.

And I'm going to need just the right person to go with me.

Dr. Honeycutt, the doctors will see you now.

Oh, this is my chauffeur, Taylor.

I don't go anywhere without him.

You have a chauffeur?

Yes. I'm very successful.

You don't want me driving by myself, do you? When I could be saving lives right

in the back of my very big car?

I'm sorry, but the doctors are extremely private.

Oh, yes, I understand.

I understand. Um, did I leave?

I'll come back for you to go out and pick.

Okay?

Ah, Dr. B .J. Honeycutt.

From the looks of your resume, we'd be lucky to have you as an associate here

BRCFGC.

Ah, here we are. So, I guess you'd like me to give a consultation.

If you don't mind.

This is Mr. Jones, who came to see us about an elongation prosthesis.

Yes, I can, um, I can see why.

Yes, hmm.

Hmm.

Oh, yes.

Doctor, I...

Prosthesis? It's not like I've been a doctor for five minutes.

I can do any procedure.

Oh, dear.

Excuse me.

Yes?

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Kovac couldn't scare up a Democrat to save the Wales rally.

to do the trick.

Just do it.

Now, where were we?

Oh, looky here. I have to go to theater star and I have an emergency

validectomy. Bye.

They said I'm sending in the tomahawk.

I think they want to scalp him.

So enjoy it while you can.

Can you say something?

Yeah, nice hair.

Thanks.

The Tomahawk is a type of guided missile.

That's how they're going to do the job.

There's another possibility.

Tomahawk is counterintelligence code for collections, man.

Gold, munitions, sensitive documents.

Sometimes they have to send an expert in there behind enemy lines to get that

stuff back.

So the Doc's hired some kind of super -duper repo man.

Repo man?

You guys stop sweating this Mercedes thing.

Hey, where's Elvis?

So, Mr.

Tomahawk, is it?

You think you've got what it takes?

You'll have to assume so.

And why is that?

Because if I give you a demonstration, you'll be dead.

This guy's a lot of talk.

Kovac, why don't you shut up, okay?

Because, you know, considering that you failed, I'd say we're being fairly

generous. You think so?

Yeah. Guess what? Okay.

I'm renegotiating.

So you're the toughest mofo around, is that it?

In a word, yes.

Gentlemen.

I believe that entire fee is now available.

Correct?

Yes, it is.

Excellent. Now then, as for your Mr.

Bernstein, I've generally found the best way to separate a deadbeat from his

money is give him plenty of time to realize he's going to die.

What are you doing?

It's poker night.

Now, which one of these do you think is more masculine?

Have you been paying attention, huh?

People are trying to kill you. I know that. I know that.

But it's poker night. Enough.

Okay?

Why, huh?

You tell me. Tell me why.

Why what?

Why does money turn people like you into such jerks?

I'm going to drive the bus.

I can't stay here. It's too dangerous.

Hey, Johnny, wait, wait.

Look, I know.

I know I'm a jerk.

Trying so hard to be cool all the time.

But you got to understand, that's how you have to be out here.

No matter how good you think you are, every five minutes, someone new and

comes along.

So you at least try to be cool.

You know what my real name is?

You mean it's not Rod Bernstein?

Wish.

It's Rodney Irving Goggle.

See?

Not everyone can have a cool name like Johnny Lowe.

My real name is Lowe to Charlie Cecil.

Thanks, man.

Thanks for sharing.

So, uh, you never answered me.

Do you like girls or what?

I mean, because you can tell me. I mean, why do I bother?

Ah, there's my driver.

I couldn't keep him in the closet any longer.

Come on, Alvin, let's hit it. Hit the road.

The guy's gonna get three million out of you, dead or alive.

I don't know about that. I'm in pretty good hands here.

Really? How fast you going?

How fast?

Uh, 52 and counting.

Excellent. Is that little light blinking on the dashboard?

I put that in myself.

That's nice.

Go below 50 and the light stops blinking.

You'll have three seconds to think about what a gum -sucking deadbeat you've

been.

Are you sure there's going to be enough time?

That's all you get.

Then come boom.

Unless you, uh, change your mind and come up with the money.

We'll be in touch.

This is so sweet. Doesn't anybody in Hollywood have an original spot?

I quit.

Oh, my God, he's fucked.

The whole time of this whole event thing has totally shocked him and he got his

vocal cords back. I talked fine.

I just didn't have anything to say.

Um, uh, uh, uh.

Oh, yeah.

and told them that there's a bomb on Rod's butt.

They called Nicky.

Ray, we should hit the explosion any minute.

Let's attack the problem from the other end. I've narrowed down the list of ex

-CIA repo men to four in this part of the globe.

Okay?

Triangulate the location of Tomahawk's last call.

You sure you don't want me to take over the wheel?

Did Keanu Reeves take over for Senator Bullock?

No, because us women are very cautious drivers, okay? We know where we're going

at all times.

I can't believe you could always talk.

Why bother trying around you?

Okay, guys, I'm in position.

He's dropping in.

Thanks. Okay, you guys, this is not a date.

Let's go ahead.

There's our guy.

What? I thought maybe you were calling for a bus.

Come on on.

Good luck.

I thought you were unarmed.

I lied.

How's it

going?

Not so good.

The electronics on this rig are more upstate than I expected.

If this bus dated back to Jimi Hendrix, I'm the Virgin Mary.

Okay, so maybe it was Lenny Kravitz. Same vibe. You know what I mean.

There's a switching interface on the roof. The problem is we need to

both ends simultaneously.

Have fun up there.

It's a one -shot deal.

I know.

Give me the tools.

Just in case we don't make it out of this.

Okay. Sorry, I asked.

Go team Adderall.

Freeze, me!

You're so much as smooth.

No problem.

That's for not playing fair.

That's for being a pain in my ass.

You not fold out. You not fold out.

They were in jail, but versed these important scenes.

As for your Mr.

Bernstein, I've generally found the best way to separate a deadbeat from his

money is give him plenty of time.

I'm tired.

I have to urinate.

I'm sorry.

Hey, Alvin!

Watch out, Spielberg. Alvin's in the house.

Pretty creative use of police evidence.

Alvin's movie did way more than put two doctors in the big house.

He's directing the sequel to The Big Best.

Boy, I thought that was Rod's next project.

Nope. He's directing the Texas Chainsaw Mascara.

And there's a really good part in here for Tasha. Let me see.

Yes, it's the mutated freak number three.

Hurry, get my chainsaw so I can trim the hedges and shave my legs.

What now?

You never told me how you knew what green wire to cut.

Well, um, ancient Chinese secret.

Oh, come on then, King. You know your secret's safe with me.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I, um... I guess.