Original subtitles

Excuse me. What's that softness you coming with? Who do you think you are

that nonsense?

With that knife?

I want to come grab her and snap her hand and take her all that. Grab her in

car, bumping up and down. I don't give a... Because they give a damn. Because I

won't be respectful with you. Because I won't get you. Because I want your girl.

Because that's what I keep... I know this place is full, but I wish Val would

come out with those drinks.

Got the realest feel, no knife, but I'm hard like this. From the west side, we

can get down like this.

You say the hell it went for my sister?

Man, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Very funny, lover boy.

Now give me back the credit cards.

Come on.

And those papers she signed.

Yo, man.

You got this all wrong.

You're obviously looking for somebody else.

Oh, really?

Quick, Williams.

It's time to learn a lesson.

Smart guy.

Thank you.

It's VIP.

Yeah, you can trust me. I'll take real good care of you.

I was just a girl working at a hot dog stand when a movie star asked me out on

date. I happened to save his life. And so in order to save his life, he told

everybody that I'm a professional bodyguard.

Which, of course, I am not. Trust me. So then I was asked to be a figurehead at

a bodyguard agency.

And they said I'd never have to use any weapon or be in any danger.

And I always am.

Still can't believe those guys are playing me for some scam artist. Get

We're off the clock, remember?

Mm -hmm.

That's right, that's right. What was I thinking?

We meet our prospect, do some business, put all that behind us, huh? Yeah, after

you talk to the police.

We know they're coming down here after that little disturbance outside.

Hey, isn't that our new client?

Oh, yeah.

Italian heiress Francesca D 'Elia.

Making her first film, Jungle Women of Borneo.

What do you call a wannabe movie star worth $230 million?

A producer.

You must have heard that before.

They all want to work with me, all of them. Without me and maybe Roberto.

The Italian cinema right now is dead. Like a big stinky anchovy, sleepy,

flopping around on the beach.

Hi,

I'm Valerie Irons, Miss Delia.

And these are my associates, Nicky Franco and Cliff Williams.

You are handsome.

You think that.

Well, you're rather beautiful yourself.

You called our office about security.

Yes. Oh, yes. I am so glad you come.

Already they move me like a dorm in Europe.

Crazy, you know, the love stalkers.

They can't control their urges.

Oh, love stalkers?

Oh, we deal with those guys all the time.

It's so scary being all alone in a country.

That's why I carry this with me.

Is that some kind of good luck charm?

A family heirloom. A golden ram.

My grandmama passed it down to me and I take it everywhere.

Would you excuse us? One second.

Listen, maybe this job's a little harder than I thought.

I mean, that ram's got to be worth two million if it's real.

It's real.

I know my jewelry.

Okay. Well, now we'll get Francesca to sign on the dotted line.

And you better take care of the party animals.

All right.

Evening, gentlemen.

Rick Williams at your service.

I'm Officer Travis.

This is Officer Wood.

Let's take a little ride.

Whoa. Take a ride? Where?

I thought you just needed a few minutes.

Well, quick, that was before your name showed up on half a dozen complaints.

over the last week.

What? Oh, no, man. You must be talking about the mother of Quick Williams.

You're Quick Williams?

Yeah.

That's for what you did to my girlfriend.

She's not an object.

Hey, meet Ramon.

Ramon, Quick Williams.

He's hot, love.

I can fit.

This is a good shirt, man.

Hey, man.

Now, who's that guy who's the same temperature as everybody else's? 98 .6

degrees.

Good.

You got to be in my team. You must show dignity.

Yeah.

Or you do.

Well, that's Cliff Williams. I mean, you must have read his profile.

Right in there.

separate assaults and you get arrested, those cops must be reading their NYPD

handbook.

That uniform, Travis, needs a serious attitude adjustment.

And I wasn't arrested.

Yeah? Val had please talk Grisby into keeping your face out of the mug book.

Everyone's mistaking me for somebody else.

Seems like there's another me out there trashing my good rep.

Wait! I found something.

Where from?

LAPD? FBI?

Interpol? No.

Tiger Beat. Their website says Francesca D 'Elia has left VIP and is now being

protected by Hong Kong action star Johnny Lowe.

They're tripping. I told Johnny to come to us if he wanted that kind of work.

What about my impersonator?

Does it say anything about him?

No.

Did you know... Johnny was Francesca's chauffeur last time she was in L .A.

So he can drive a town car?

Doesn't exactly qualify you to be a bodyguard.

Why shouldn't he be one?

He's got some pretty smooth moves.

See, that's where you people go wrong.

Thinking looking good enough to call yourself a bodyguard takes a lot more

that. Hello, bonjour.

Well,

not much more.

Not much more of what?

Not much more of this I can take.

You know, you, figurehead.

Not being a real bodyguard? Quick esteem, because he thinks Johnny Lowe

our client, Francesca.

Johnny stole our client?

Perfect.

It is?

Yes. Gives you an excuse to go see him. And I'm coming with you. Let's go.

Yo, man, what are we doing sitting here?

These girls don't have any money.

You know, that UFC beats volleyball at its finest.

You checked out tuition prices lately?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, just try to check them out on Quick Williams 303.

You know what? We're going to have to chill on the Williams thing. This guy's

super high profile around here, man.

You know, this is the right time to try something new. You know what I'm saying?

Hi, yourself.

Yo, bro, I'm telling you, the Quick William guy could be a real major...

the problem with you, J -Dog.

Always thinking small.

Check this out. Bang!

See, that Williams idea gonna be worth even more than I thought.

All we gotta do is figure out how to keep that man on ice.

I got you.

Left your blind side open.

Yeah? I only look that way.

Yeah? Oh, excuse me. Did I, like, fall asleep or something when kissing hello

went out of style?

Well, uh, Nikki, she has her own style. You guys are freaks. Listen, it's, uh,

great to see you guys.

Yeah, sure.

Even after you stole our client?

Well, I've been, uh, been meaning to call you guys about that. Just... Got my

hands full, you know.

I can see why.

Val, look at me.

This is fabulous for my movie, no?

Unless you think it's too revealing.

Francesca, you, um, you remember Val and Nikki, yeah?

So, you found me. So what? I told you, I don't need you, sir.

I hired somebody I like better.

That's America, right?

Yeah, it's a jungle out there.

Well, actually, um...

About Nikki, they're here to see me.

So get on your bind, so we're back to where you came from, okay?

You know, I

hate to tell you this, but she left you guys because your buddy Quick's been way

out of control.

Oh, we've already heard all that noise.

Yeah, he's a bodyguard. He's going to get in a jam here and there.

What about the time that he threatened some guy over a parking spot and then

slashed the guy's tires?

Quick wouldn't do that. How about the club he tore up when the waitress didn't

want to sit in his lap?

Quick wouldn't do that.

On the other night at foam, I heard he took a swing at a cop.

Well, if he did, Mike Tyson would cope with seeing us. It wouldn't take a

quarter.

Yeah, and in traffic the other day, he was yelling at everybody.

Maybe that's why he's late for work all the time.

Road rage.

You know, I think Quick has a problem. He's got multiple personality disorder.

He's, like, good quick, bad quick.

I'm sorry. I thought you'd want to know.

Well, there's only one thing we can do.

We have to stage an intervention.

You mean, like, get all of his friends together and, like, bag on him?

Exactly. Cool.

Back off. I said back off.

Get out of here. Hey, man, you all right?

Hey, what's up, man?

What's up?

Abbot Kenny.

I've been much. Please come quick.

Yeah, he's African -American, medium build, clean cut.

Hurry, hurry. Oh, no, he talked.

Tommy, I got to go.

No.

Okay, let's go.

We're in the south of Main Street.

Making trouble again, huh, Williams?

They jumped me.

Oh, you're starting to sound like a broken record.

Help him, Woods.

Quick way in.

Yeah.

I'm going to love moving in this place.

He might join you.

So what does the Irons have in her stock portfolio?

Uh, see, that's confidential, but, uh, see, you know, now I know you can keep a

secret. I put her heavy in AOL before anyone knew what it was.

Of course, she had to do it at stock with.

My clients put up 50K minimum.

You have more than that in your trust fund.

Oh.

Well, when you really turn that into some real money, you let me know.

They went.

I'll be right back.

What are you boys doing?

You living large?

Yeah. Too bad we can't keep these girls. You know, I was beginning to like them.

They're hot, man.

I thought I told you to make this place mine.

You know what's beautiful?

But after we're done with these girls, we dump them, and Williams takes the

heat.

Well, you know what? I don't know about that, Al.

I don't know, man. This guy, Quick Williams, he's got some pretty heavy

Don't worry. I got Quick right where I want him.

Now let's see what he's got for me.

Well, well, well, what do we have here?

Francesca D 'Elia.

Milan, Italy.

Hotel Tenerife.

Golden Ram.

That's worth two million bucks right there.

Wow. Yeah, and it's going to be ours.

In case you were wondering why I would steal the man around here. Oh, yo, bro,

come on. It's not like that, right?

Because what we have to do now is get Williams out of the way permanently.

Who smashed up my specs?

Uh -oh.

Big man's in a bad mood.

You!

New fish.

Yeah, I'm talking to you, fish.

Hold on now, man. It wasn't me.

Over

here,

baby.

Where'd he go? Where'd he go?

Getting hotter.

Quick, Williams, baby.

Quick, Williams.

Your boss just posted there.

Open the gate.

Yes, pal.

You know, you're lucky you took mine to see how ugly you are.

Is your mom's as ugly as you?

I'm not!

That's right over there, Bridgetta.

You are coming with me.

Fine, but first... My good fortune. I take it every week.

You'll still be right here with me.

Fabulous, darling. Maybe he will bring you good fortune, too.

You asked Kandar, picked her?

Hark, man.

Kidding me, right? I wouldn't do anything like that.

You're a nice choice of entertainment, bruh. The naked and the nasty. More lewd

acts in the Oval Office.

Think this is mine?

You enjoy the sight of a naked woman?

Why would we think that?

Let me see it.

What, did someone eat your porridge, too?

Maybe it was Goldilocks.

Look, I'm quick.

You don't need the fib test, okay? Because we are your family.

Oh, gross.

It doesn't really matter how disgusting your personal habits are.

Yuck.

Psychopath and womanizer, maybe.

But, Slob, that is so not like you. That's what I'm trying to tell you.

this is a He -Man Supreme.

I don't even like anchovies.

He's right.

This pizza is definitely less than 18 hours old because anything over 18

the pepperoni will roll up like little hot rollers.

I'm not even going to ask how you know that.

Well, just because I'm not a real bodyguard doesn't mean that I'm... Brain

Brain dead. All right, look, the point is I've been gone for two days.

Someone else ordered that pie.

Same dude who trashed your crib?

Why?

This is what I was afraid of.

He took the Delia file.

It's empty.

Just had a complete rundown on the case.

including her itinerary.

Relax, Johnny's with her.

All right, let's go.

Darling, no, no, no. Look, listen to me. The camp has been destroyed by leopard

men. You are overcome with emotion, huh?

Bigger. Bigger.

Bigger. Bigger.

Your painting... Your painting must be more... More genuine.

That was beautiful.

I'll do it again.

Try it again.

And give me... Give me everything.

Everything you have.

Miss Aliyah?

Oh, um, you could have come with us.

I am creating cinema.

Who are you?

Quick Williams sent us for you.

You may be in danger.

Quick Williams is a nobody.

I already have protection.

Yeah, well, you may need some more.

Who is this guy?

You never saw Dragon Fiend?

What he did to the bad guys, he'll do to you!

Yeah?

Did the bad guys have guns?

I don't understand what we're doing here. I need you to work your magic,

Triangulate this call for me. I'm betting the guy we're looking for is the

one who jacked the cell phone from my car.

You're making a call to my phone.

I'm making a call?

Yes.

Pretend you're an old girlfriend of mine. And keep him on the line.

Right. Like I could possibly be one of those girls that you... Hello?

Quick.

Hi.

You remember me, don't you?

This is Charisma.

I'm 5 '8", blonde hair, natural, of course.

Long legs,

teeny, tiny little waist.

Really big, blue eyes.

I want to know what I'm wearing.

Well...

for work in my little maid uniform.

You're doing what?

No, I don't think that I could possibly do that right now.

No, absolutely not.

I have never done anything like this.

Oh, it's got to be here somewhere.

There it is.

Oh no.

You're under arrest.

What the hell for?

Arson, B &E, and being a severe pain in my butt.

Stand up. Hands behind your head.

Now.

Woods, cuff him.

Look

who's back.

Shut the gate.

Oh, here we go again.

That's what you get for messing with quick -witted.

Break it up!

Break it up!

Break it up! Break it up!

Bruno!

Open the gate.

Hey, don't you come back till you learn some manners.

Hey, Williams.

I catch you on the outside.

You're dead meat.

Yeah? What?

What? You want a piece of me? Like I'm scared of you.

What? Do I look scared of you? Huh?

I'll see you on the outside.

You're coming too, Williams. Move it.

So -so?

My lucky day.

No, no, no. This way.

Your sister's here for you.

My sister?

Shut the gate.

we could get in here. They said we were family.

Yeah, they don't have visiting hours for company figureheads.

Well, I'm glad you and Sis could drop by.

Well, you know, I wanted to come as your wife, but Vassa, they don't have

conjugal visits. Vassa, what's the point?

Anyway, we found the guy that delivered the pizza.

The He -Man Supreme?

Yes. Kay got the description and she worked it up on her Etch -A -Sketch

computer thingy. You're telling me you found the guy who's been blowing up my

spot? He's an Elwood Snow.

He's some kind of bad scam artist with an attitude.

Yeah, you take some people's identities, like those pod people in Invasion of

the Body Snatchers, when they fall asleep and they wake up and you're you,

you're not really you, and they don't trust anybody.

Yeah, and by the time you figure it out, Mr. Pod Man's off to some other sucker.

Oh, victim.

I'm going to wax his ass as soon as I get up out of here.

Do me a favor, Val. Go to my place with some evidence baggies. Pick up

everything that doesn't belong.

Okay. But not the pizza. I'm not going to eat the pizza, because I think I got

enough cooties from hanging out here all day.

Quick.

Be strong and focus on good thoughts in whatever you do.

Do not drop anything in the shower.

Oh, wait.

It's supposed to be his sister.

It's a nice place to talk.

And you know, no one will bother us here.

I told you, I don't have love.

I sent it home to my uncle in Milano.

If I had it, no bad luck would happen.

I hate to break it to you, but you're a lousy actress.

But the one thing I was wondering about acting is, is when somebody's being made

up for a movie, how hard is it to cover up a nasty slit from here to here?

Wants my precious golden rum. But I tell him never.

Well, you know, you don't have it. I don't have it. It's not here.

Let us go.

That's what I tell him.

Where is it?

I don't know.

Johnny Lowe's.

Mamma mia!

I am so psychic sometimes.

Tie her up and leave her here.

We better round up a couple more guys.

And then you'll take us to see Johnny Lowe.

Can't find Francesca anywhere.

Have you heard from Nicky or Quick?

Nicky is out burning off her Johnny -loves -me -he -loves -me -not energy.

And Quick is in jail.

Again? He's having a bad week.

Hi, guys.

Val here.

Haven't seen her since you two left for the big house.

Well,

she's left to meet me here after she got back from Wake Place.

She went there alone?

Yeah, why not?

Oh, Elwood Snow is long gone.

What is it?

Call Nikki and have her meet me there right away.

Looks like it's just you and me.

You even ditched the jungle girl.

Well, not really.

I lost her.

So I guess you're here to get help digging back up.

Nikki, don't freeze me up, please.

Francesca's gone and I need your help.

First you don't call, then you steal our client. I didn't steal anyone.

And I'm frosting you?

What am I, stupid?

Hey, just wait!

Just wait a second. You know I have feelings for you.

Just... This is about a client's life.

Please.

Okay.

Where's that trinket she carts around?

The van?

It's stashed at my place.

Whoever took Francesca's gonna come after her, Ed.

Does that mean you're gonna help me?

Forgive me for acting like such a girl.

Where are they?

Thank goodness you're here. I'm sitting here forever.

Where are they?

Johnny's loft.

They went to get the rat. And they got Valerie Irons. Hey!

Untie me. No time.

You crazy?

You can't leave me here.

You must be mistaking me for your bodyguard.

I hope I don't say the wrong thing.

My eyes are blurred.

Zojo totally rocks!

Thanks. Glad you like it.

The bomb!

Oh, my God.

So, um, anyway, we've done a lot of profile fun, guys.

Keep on coming back till they get what they want.

So, uh,

can you really break these?

Sure. You can, too.

You want to try?

Get out of here.

I am not falling for this.

You try first.

You think I can't do it?

Seems believable.

So awesome.

Okay, your turn, all right?

All right, your turn. Come on.

You sure I won't bust a mitt?

No, no, I shouldn't have to do it.

Show me how to do it.

You need to focus.

I'll point below the brick.

Mm -hmm.

And everything else out.

You

know

what I'm here for. If you stand over the rammer, I'll cut her. Don't get us to

her.

Thanks for keeping it safe for me.

Well, it's time that all good things must come to an end.

Get her out of here.

You better let those guys go or Tasha's going to be really pissed when she gets

here. And who is Tasha? Your invisible friend?

No. My invisible friend is Dirk.

Was.

Kill him.

Fine, take it.

I'm fine.

Hey, that's all right.

were a real bodyguard, this is where I'd call it, a rope ladder or something.

You don't have one. And if you were a real bodyguard, we wouldn't be in this

situation.

Nikki, remember the rooftop thing I thought you'd do?

Alley -oo.

Alley -oo?

out of the gloss.

for you to give yourself up.

I don't think so.

Look how scared you are. You're shaking. You're no man like Quick Williams.

Quick Williams?

Quick Williams?

The Quick Williams I am. It's more money, more women, and more fun. So tell

I'm not Quick Williams. The dude just behind is Quick Williams.

Quick Williams?

Yeah, I'm Quick Williams. Who wants to know?

Just the man I've been looking for.

Fish.

You're pretty ugly now that I can see you. Thank you very much. I think.

Not normally.

was violent.

Oh, no, I wouldn't think so.

No one's that violent, except for maybe Tasha.

Whatever happens.

attacking the people of Borneo.

Give me strength before all hope is lost.

You can do it, jungle woman.

Our village needs you.

The lowly maiden has brought me a sign. Go, quickly, collect some magic sap from

the Minawamba tree.

Okay, I go. I collect the magic sap from the Minawamba tree.

I'll be right back.

Beautiful. Now let's do it again.

I

think

it's so exciting that Francesca gave Val a role in her movie.

Oh, my God, you guys. I just found the craft service truck. I love this sort of

stuff.

Where's our moms, Johnny and Nikki?

At Johnny's apartment.

Supposedly cleaning up the mess.

Perhaps you could make it out, considering what you've been through.

Yeah, well, I just had a little prior engagement with Elwood Snow's face.

He won't be impersonating anybody for a long time.

I don't know.

That Elwood seemed like a pretty smooth operator to me.

Well, yeah, because he was Chandler yours truly.

Quick.

Would you mind running my line with me in my trailer?

Well, I'd love to, sweetheart.

Excuse me, ladies.

You know, You sure look different than you did the other night at the bar.

Well, I'm a man of many faces.