Original subtitles

You may think you can force these people from their homeland just so you can set

up a plutonium mine, but your plan had one fatal flaw.

You messed with the Prince of Greystone.

Oh, man.

Cut it. Cut it.

Hey, man.

The facts. The facts.

And that's supposed to fall on a bad guy. Where are the folders?

No problem, Patrick. We'll get it.

Are you okay, Alfonso? Yeah, I'm okay.

You know, when I hired you to protect me on the set, I'd unexpected be from the

crew. I know, I know. They said there was something wrong with your net, but I

thought they fixed it.

Alfonso Rivera!

Who's that?

Nicky? Quick! Remember me?

Mike?

Script coordinator on Silver Springs?

Oh, yeah.

How are you?

Hey, you know, broke.

Divorced. On trial for murder, thanks to you.

Quick! Nicky!

Look it, mister, you're going to have to leave this set immediately.

The manager promised me a rule on this movie.

Guess what?

Don't see my name on any trailer.

So, uh, uh, who exactly did you murder?

As of about six seconds from now, you.

Oh, no, no, no, no. No, look, keep your cool, keep your cool. Um, just come on

over here. I have something for you. What's over there?

Look, look, it's a contract.

Um, you know, you're going to play the Duke of Greystone. You're actually the

Prince of Greystone's boss.

Let me see it. It's right here. Look.

We're going to have a part for you, right?

We are.

When? Now.

Correction. Make that a double murder.

Get this thing off of me.

I'm allergic to hemp.

You guys don't understand. I got unlucky punch. I'm not a bodyguard. But we are.

You'll just be a figurehead. A name on the door. You'll probably never even

leave the office.

You'll help us pull in the rich and famous.

We'll do the rest. We're professionals.

We'll take care of all the tough stuff.

So I'll never be in any danger?

Never. Never?

Never.

Your card's over its limit, Miss Iron.

That's impossible.

Hmm. Let's see.

You charge 28 feet of debt accord.

Thank you. Two Filipino training swords.

Tasha. One industrial -sized jug of Michael Jordan cologne.

Like... 700 fishing hooks and four gallons of super glue.

Aha!

700 fishing hooks and super glue?

I want to talk to your side department.

Hmm. Let me explain.

That was just a little R &D for the Maximizer clothing line.

It sounds a little more like S &M. What were you doing with the fishing hooks?

Kind of hard to explain here, though.

I'm sorry, Miss Irons.

I can't extend your credit line. Look, you don't understand.

Because of these unauthorized charges...

Our cable got shut off and there's a whole TNT marathon of chips tonight.

Jay Chesler to see Mr. Akins. This is my bodyguard, Johnny Fong.

Yes, Mr. Chesler.

No funny stuff.

It ain't worth it.

Don't think we'll have a problem taking care of that.

I sure hope not.

Seriously,

there was some other guy here. It wasn't all me.

What?

What other guy?

I'm sure she will be very flattered, but shouldn't she have some political

experience?

All right, I'll tell her.

You can add our new governor to the Val Iron's fan club. Val single -handedly.

He takes out two armed bank robbers. Am I missing something?

Why don't you give the girl some credit, Tosh?

Size is good for business.

You know what they say about gift horses and mouths.

Hey, it's Ellie's very own knight in shining armor.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. My ears are still ringing from those sawed -off shotguns.

know, isn't that the bomb?

Not really.

You got, like, a million messages.

Charlton Heston, Judge Judy, the mayor.

Once to give you a key to the city.

And George Clooney.

George Clooney?

What did he want? A date.

And for you to appear in Batman 5.

Oh. You know what?

I bet it wasn't the real George Clooney.

Tell us how you took him down.

Well, it all happened really fast. But I know there was somebody else there. I

didn't do it alone.

Maxine helped you out?

No, no, no. I don't think so. I think there was some guy there. Some...

I don't know. It was the blur. I mean, he was moving so fast.

He was really blurry.

Check this out.

I thought it might be fun to see Val in action, so I packed into the bank's

surveillance tape.

That's him.

Damn. I've never seen anyone move that fast. Who is that guy?

That's Johnny Lowe. Johnny who?

Johnny Lowe. Hong Kong's biggest action star.

He's like Stallone, Seagal, Schwarzenegger, all wrapped in one.

Except he's totally hot.

And does all his own stunts.

Well, this guy wasn't a movie star. I can smell a movie star. I'm out of the

way. This guy was doing his own banking in a suit.

I'm telling you, it fits.

Johnny Lowe left Hong Kong after an accident on the set of Dragon's War II.

Some stuntman took a dive off a building and ended up a pancake.

Well, that sounds like an accident.

I got it. Is this him, Val?

That's him. So, why did he run away from the bank?

Mr. Hahn, I think you'll be very glad you came to Los Angeles.

Look who just showed up here.

Hmm. After all this time, huh?

You know what to do.

We're here, Mr. Tepler.

I'm safe here, Johnny. I got it covered.

Vance, keep the car here.

Yes, Mr. Chesler.

Earlier today, the city of Beverly Hills honored bodyguard Valerie Irons for her

role in foiling a bank robbery.

The deputy assistant mayor, Art Desmond, presented Ms. Irons with the key to the

city. For saving the customers of our city's oldest bank... For being a role

model for all of our citizens, on the behalf of the city of Beverly Hills, I'd

like to present the key to the city to Valerie Irons.

Irons credited a man she identified as Hong Kong action star Johnny Lowe for

helping her with the heroics. I thought your last name was Fong.

Mr. Lowe is unknown.

Channel 3 News has also learned that Mr. Lo is currently wanted by police in

Hong Kong for questioning in the 1997 death of a movie stuntman. I think you

better talk to Mr. Chesler about this when he gets finished with this meeting.

Vance, wait a second.

Stay right here.

I saw personally how you handled yourself during that bank robbery, Ms.

It's exactly the kind of protection I need.

Especially since my bodyguard, Johnny Lowe, is banned.

Oh, Johnny Lowe is your bodyguard?

Johnny Lowe, Johnny Fong, Johnny whatever.

I didn't even know he made those stupid sound pieces.

Well, rest assured, VIP is the real deal. Good, because that's what I need.

I've got a big meeting scheduled here tomorrow.

I can't have and don't want the slightest interruption.

Understood?

We got you, Kevin.

I've made a lot of enemies to get where I'm at if you catch my drift.

So I'll feel a whole lot better knowing you personally are by my side at all

times.

Can't do?

Me? Personally?

Sure. No problem.

With Nikki for Natasha.

Kind of nice hanging out here.

Yes, it is.

So I take it you're part of Val Iron's posse?

Look, Williams, that's your service.

And you must be Mr. Chespers' daughter. Emily, in the flesh.

Uh -huh.

Val Iron, she's pretty worldly.

Does she know anything about Asian studies?

She's ought to take out from Chinatown more than once.

It's a real bummer that Johnny, uh... Ah, so you, uh, knew him pretty well.

He's helping me with the term paper. I still don't believe he was involved with

that Hong Kong dead guy thing.

I can't believe he was helping you with a term paper.

Well, I'm taking full load.

Plus, working on campus.

Somebody's got to help me.

Working on campus? I mean... Dad believes that we all need to get some

under our fingernails.

Awesome! That's Johnny's. My homework was in there. It must have been in the

limo. Bring it into the house for me, would you? Yes, ma 'am.

Someone's in the garage.

Don't even think about it.

Oh, Johnny Law.

What did you do to my head? It feels like it's been in a vice.

Hey.

Hey.

It's all right.

It's acupressure. It soothes the body and the spirit.

So, uh, tell me.

You always, um, carry a gun this big?

Yeah. It's better to shoot you with.

Like, uh, Kojak, huh?

Bang, bang.

Nothing beats a bill of cold steel against your ribs.

Arrogance. I got a question for you.

What the hell's going on?

None of your business, really.

It's an accident that you hear.

You know,

I always thought you were a cool guy in those movies until you killed that

stuntman.

I did not.

Do that.

It's like I hit a Johnny nerve.

Can you do something?

It's better that you don't know anything.

Too bad, because I still want to know what you were doing at Chesler's.

I was looking for something. I didn't find it. Now I have to go back.

Couldn't I get past VIP?

Oh, yeah?

I think I will.

Your help.

First I want to hug Johnny, then I want to slug Johnny. Hug, slug, hug, slug.

I'm so not me right now.

If there's anyone who can handle himself in a situation like this, it's Nick.

That's right.

She'll be okay.

Won't she?

Look, Chesler's big meet with the Turks is later today. We still got a job to

do.

Hello, VIP?

Nikki, are you okay?

Yeah, everything's okay.

So, where are you?

I'll meet you later at Chesler's.

Oh, you know that trip to Bosnia you were talking about?

I've been seriously thinking about that.

It sounds like a lot of fun. I really, really, really want to go.

Is there Four Seasons there?

The phone went dead 15 seconds ago. Nikki?

I can't accept tips.

Okay, we got Tosh undercover.

Thought you were having an important meeting.

I am, but this is hard.

Let's call it entertaining clients first.

Okay, I'm going to wait outside.

No, no. I need you here.

Look, Val, I know you're a famous bodyguard and you're known all over the

planet, but let's face it.

Sometimes it's a problem.

You don't have to tell me.

A lot depends on this meeting.

I need your protection, but I can't have you spooked to turds.

No spook Turks.

I understand that.

You want a bodyguard in the room, but you don't want them to know there's one

there. When in Istanbul.

You guys are... You're talking about fun.

up, it's me.

You alone, Nick?

Yep, just me and my Georgia perfume.

Go in careful.

Nicky doesn't wear perfume.

Empty.

What are you looking for?

Naughty girl.

We got company. Move Chetler to his office.

Enjoy yourself.

What's

going

on?

What the hell are you doing here?

Chancellor, I don't mean you any harm.

I came for my computer.

You have the gall to show up here after all you've done?

Watch out!

Diggy!

He's a good guy.

I'll never do without him.

I knocked him out and he's mine!

What gives me a damn?

What gives me a damn?

What gives me a damn?

I can't smoke.

You don't need to yell. I'm not deaf.

Thank you for choosing VIP.

That was Mr. Chesler.

He never wants to see anyone from this office ever again, except for you.

You. He wants to face it. It's genuine.

Here you go, kiddo.

Did you get hit by an asteroid?

No words to piss Nicky off.

Yeah, and those hitmen didn't like you too much either.

I'm sure you have a very good reason for kidnapping Nicky, using her to break

into the Chester mansion while three maniacs in black suits were trying to

you.

Yeah, I've been waiting to hear this, too.

They were stunned by the bomb.

The Chinese mob?

Seven international law enforcement agencies are on their backs, and they're

worried about you. The Hong Kong movies business is practically owned by them.

I couldn't go on making movies without London.

Did you ever hear of Two Week Notice or Sayonara?

I tried.

You just don't walk away from a contract with a tongue.

This have something to do with the stuntman who got killed on your shoot?

You were the star. You did all your own stunts.

The evidence all pointed to you. They made up lies against me because I was

trying to expose them.

They tried to shut me up, and when I... They were going to arrest me for my

friend's death.

So you're here hiding now?

No, not hiding.

Fighting back.

Gathering proof of their business.

It's almost done. They're right there.

And they want to kill me before I finish.

And anyone crazy enough to be on your side.

Oh, I feel so bad. I'm sorry. I don't want to... You've got your face all over

TV.

I spotted him in the first place. It's my fault, Val.

Right. It's your fault.

Okay, both are wrong. The point is, we helped get you into this mess. We'll get

you out of it. Yeah, who's afraid of the Tong anyway?

Who are they?

He's been stealing information over the Internet.

Private records.

Our priorities have changed.

Find out what he knows first and destroy the evidence.

Then we kill him.

I'm not a pincushion!

I understand he's being protected by Valerie Irons?

Yes. It won't be easy.

Get me the evidence.

I don't care if you have to kill them all.

Come on.

You can't turn it on. It's not working.

That thing's not really made for blocking a spinning bat kick.

Well, then what good is it?

You know, two years of my life has done these things. Evidence to clear my name.

Mind if I take a look?

Okay. Okay, I can fix any computer.

Well, probably not the Cray P3E, but anything that sits on a desk lap or

All I have to do is cross -connect our motherboard via the D port.

I'm downloading your hard drive.

Hmm.

It doesn't seem to be a file called Tom.

Could it be named anything else?

No, no. I mean, it has to be here.

I saved everything on a disk.

Well, there's no disk there.

Don't you know you're supposed to back up in at least two places?

Kay, the man's a master martial artist, not a techno dweeb.

Who's not a techno dweeb?

Johnny.

Still can't find what you're looking for?

I don't understand what happened to the dead.

It was in Mr. Chesley's limo when the Tong chased me. Okay, find out who's

in the limo since the Tong Swiss cheesed it.

You and I should hit the street, see if we can get a 10 -20 on the local Tong

hit squad.

Um, Nicky and I will take the first shift to the penthouse guarding. Johnny.

I know who Nicky likes. I know who Nicky likes.

L -P -C, you know me. K -S -S -I -N -G.

Watch your own beeswax.

Look out, it's my man, quick.

Yes, sir.

What's the deal, baby?

Hey, listen, I'll tell you what.

I got a whole new way of meeting chicks.

I have to show you something.

Didn't know I needed one. Oh, see.

Listen, man, I know why you're here.

All right, and, uh... This Janet Jackson, I trust?

This ain't a main crib.

I don't care about that anymore.

You don't?

Oh, you finally got down with that spunky Nikki, huh?

Nah, man, I told you, it's not like that. You keep it pro. Straight bitch.

Oh, no.

Fuck your little K2?

I need a hanky, bro. That's a crying thing.

Listen, I'm looking for the Tom.

Thought you might be able to help. The Tom?

Those some badass dudes, that's all I know.

Maybe this will jog that thick head of yours.

Wait a minute.

It's all coming back now.

The top thong from Hong Kong just jammed into town.

Name's Han.

Only ain't no Han Solo.

Got a whole posse of cats and those styling black PJs backing him up.

So where do I find this guy Han? You got business?

He'll find you.

You're so awesome.

See? Not so hard.

Can I try?

Sure.

I mean, on your hand.

What, you don't trust me?

No.

Brad Marshall, our superstar, sitting on our couch, and you won't let me talk to

him. Shh.

What? I think she likes him. I just wanted to give her a little space.

Really? Yeah.

What? Yeah. How can you tell?

Well, first, you know, they knocked each other out, and then she threw a glass

of water on him. Oh, my God. That's so sweet. Oh, that is so sweet.

Not bad, Nikki.

Not bad.

Admit it.

I'm just as quick as you are.

I had to keep my fingers moving so you wouldn't hit him.

I didn't see you move any fingers.

Of course not.

Too fast.

That stuntman who took a splat on your movie set, how did that happen?

You know, talking about it sometimes is the only way to feel better.

Next, blowing something up.

It was my best friend.

Joey Lee.

The day that he died, I went to see the Tong.

I wanted to speak to them about his unfair working conditions.

And later, when I came to work, the director had already shot my stunt.

Without me.

They used Joey instead.

You were supposed to take that dive off the tower?

Right.

See, someone had tampered with the platform.

It collapsed under Joey's weight. They thought it was out to kill me.

Instead... Instead, they got Joey.

That girl's got a strange way of getting a man.

She needs some help.

She needs some help to make him feel good about himself. I mean, look at him.

He's about to cry in there.

I

am

so sorry for interrupting, but can you do one of your moves here in

person?

Yeah. Sure.

It'll be a pleasure.

Good, okay.

The thing I want you to do is that bit from Message of Doom.

Remember when you were handcuffed to the drainpipe? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,

because Max has a whole collection of handcuffs.

Yeah, but you just lose the fun, big old kid.

Well,

the last time I checked, there were no drainpipes in here.

Val volunteers.

Val will volunteer.

Come on, giant pipe.

I can't believe I'm doing this. Well, quiet. You're a giant pipe.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Oh, be careful with him.

Sorry. Here we go.

Hello, Max's house of pleasure.

I recreated some of the files to figure out who last used the computer.

The last file was a term paper with Emily Chesler's name on it. She must

taken a diss.

Emily? Go.

She's on campus, right?

Good work, Kay. Bye.

Kill him first.

Bag it, punk.

Do you need to do something? She's right, Johnny. We can take him.

Now, give us that information you've been collecting.

You're wasting your time. It's not even... Then you'll both take us to it.

Don't kiss her off. She's a third -degree Gucci belt.

Be quiet and don't move, or your friends will die.

The sleeping tiger will recover.

I've moved out.

But until he does, I have to run our operation as efficiently as possible.

I'm sure you, as the business owner yourself, understand that. Yeah, well,

you must know, that's kind of how this whole mess got started. I was at the

trying to get my credit limit raised, and that's when I saw the whole bank

robbery, and Kay broke into the security system cameras, and Nikki spotted

Johnny, and...

Oh, don't be.

It had to end like this, sooner or later.

You're very level -headed.

For this, I will reward you with a quick death.

That's not a very good reward.

That is after you tell us where to find the information you've been compiling on

us. I'll tell you where it is.

But first, can I at least have a drink?

You think he can hurt you with a drink?

And what's the lady's choice?

Oh, it's really a double -jacking code, but I'll pass.

I didn't want to play this over the phone.

The last file was a term paper with Emily Chesler's name on it. She must

taken the disc.

Emily? She's on campus, right?

You know, I'm, uh...

I'm surprised that you want this information so badly. I mean, I thought

just a little flea compared to the mighty and great honey.

I give you one last chance to unburden yourself and tell us where you keep the

backup copy of your files.

You see the book over there on the shelf?

Come on. Do we have a choice?

Too quiet!

Is this going to work?

Too quiet!

No, no. I'm scared to hide.

No, no, no.

Many years ago, I kicked his ass.

So I saved his life.

Okay.

Always expecting the unexpected.

Jeff. Val.

Johnny Lowe.

I can't believe you came in here after I kicked your ass.

You must have had trauma, Jeff. I kicked yours.

You kicked mine.

I love this letter.

Hey, you two, just shake hands and make up.

That's good work.

I'll file the disc.

Okay, I'll check this way.

Emily?

You?

Quit.

Just.

There's no time to explain.

Dirt under your fingernails, huh?

Please don't tell my father.

So this is your new way to meet chicks?

Be cool, man.

Don't worry. We could use your help or something.

Emily Chesler.

Where I Don't know what you're talking about

We need your disc with the agent's status paper on it.

I've got it right here.

Emily, thank you.

So that's what this is all about?

A homework report?

First time teacher, Zan. You take the job a little bit too seriously.

I got this one, you see, right after the bungee cord snapped and I fell right

into a tree.

Whatever, that's nothing, okay? A C4 blast and a piece of shrapnel.

Right here.

Took seven hours to get out, okay?

No anesthetic. All right, okay, see this?

I, Hilo, dropped into an Albanian prison.

The briefing failed to mention laser tourists, but... What were you doing

Visiting.

Oh, yeah, well, check this out right here.

Where? Right there.

A couple years ago, I was washing a glass while I was talking on the phone,

I wasn't paying attention, and I cut my knuckle right off, and it flipped right

back over and turned into a meat raisin and left a scar.

But then again, you probably eat meat raisins for breakfast.

Thanks.

Well, um, I better go. You know, the Chinese embassy is sending me a limo,

it's going to be here in a minute, so I should go.

Bye, honey.

Are you sure you have to go?

You know, China's my home, and I got a life there I gotta get back to.

You could always hang with us.

I mean, I never even got a chance to blow anything up for you.

Here.

For a few, nice.

Well, the most flammable brand on the market.

Really? Cool.

Thanks.

See you. Okay.

That's so nothing.

Use the hazel cross again.

Think so?

Yep. Life looks a mysterious place.

I'm the world's most famous bodyguard.