Original subtitles

Coolio's the bomb!

Yeah, yeah. First working his show at the Forum, then clubbing with the man

after hours. Life is good, you know what I mean?

You look so cute with baby dreads. Like Coolio.

Yeah.

Hey, Bob. Looking good.

Hey.

Oh, jeez.

Shonda, what you doing here?

You know what I'm doing here, coolio.

You should never have dumped me.

Now, look, Shonda. You know I'm married.

Whatever. You coming with me?

If I go horizontal...

Everybody in here is going horizontal.

Six feet under.

Shonda, you tripping. Not kidding. It's a mercury switch.

And another thing. I have had a lot to drink tonight.

And I'm not feeling too well.

Hey,

y 'all need to get her up out of here. She crazy.

All right, Mr. Coolio.

Cool, we're going to move you right over here. We'll take care of it.

I'm sorry, Nick.

I've got to get it.

Come on, Nicky. Come on.

Are you okay?

I'm good.

Bye.

Super bodyguard. That's it.

That's it. I got a homegirl by the name of Val. What? My homegirl Val is one

hell of a gal. She's wide, but soft and special. Wow.

You can try to imitate, but can't touch her.

And in the meanwhile. Yeah, yeah. Let's go, kid.

Bye. Ciao.

You guys don't understand. I got my lucky punch. I'm not a bodyguard. But we

are. You'll just be a figurehead. A name on the door. You'll probably never even

leave the office.

You'll help us pull in the rich and famous.

We'll do the rest. We're professionals.

We'll take care of all the tough stuff.

So I'll never be in any danger?

Never. Never?

Never.

Wow,

how did you make that scary face like that?

That's good. You must have practiced that in the mirror.

That's great.

Yeah, it's all my own sense.

Just like the big actors do.

Oh, man, that was terrific.

That was terrific. I mean, it was so real, too.

I know, it's amazing what they can do.

But that thing with the water truck and the Humvee and the shotgun.

It's a commercial, Max.

As long as you're safe.

Want some more popcorn?

Can you burn it, please? Yes, anything you want, TV diva.

Bye. On the edges.

Dear Val, I've got all the protection you need, chicky baby.

Call me.

Love, Jeff.

No points for originality there.

I knew this commercial was a bad idea. I know.

It only reinforces how much Val has going for herself in the looks

compared to us mere mortals.

Kay, it's not a beauty contest.

That's easy for you to say.

You would have gotten flowers, too.

Oh, wait a second.

You don't think you would have gotten a response on screen?

I don't know. Would I? You bet your cute little horn -rimmed glasses you would

have. Really?

Swear to God.

It's true, Kay.

Okay, snap out of it.

We've got a meeting with a new client. Now, do you want to go with us, or do

want to stick around here and be mopey?

You're right.

Why put so much emphasis on looks?

We are competent, intelligent professionals. We don't have to buy into

bodies -before -brains attitude.

So who's the new client?

Rogue Magazine.

The skin rag?

With a different, gorgeous...

Super well -endowed rogue centerfold every month?

That sounds like a terrible assignment.

Okay, the meeting's first thing in the morning. The figurehead's meeting us

there.

Thank you

for

coming. I wanted to take a look at this.

The rogue centerfolds Miss December, Miss June, and Miss February.

They're stunning.

They're missing.

All gone.

The latest disappearance is Donna Fabre. The police think she was carjacked.

Blocked in by a water truck they found abandoned. Gower isn't so sure.

Gower Jansen?

Do you know another Gower?

Is it true he picks every rogue centerfold personally?

Including the rogue centerfold of the millennium, and these three women were

finalists. Must be difficult to find contenders for something like that.

Actually, we had about 3 ,000 extremely qualified applicants. No ransom demands.

You think someone's sabotaging the contest?

Gower does.

And he won't stand still for it. Miss Irons fell.

Leave it.

Gower specifically asked for you. His priority is protecting the other women.

Chloe, we'll be all over them.

Yeah.

You have my word.

Your word.

Since when did you become personally responsible?

Oh, come on. Didn't the kidnapping sound familiar?

Dog water truck.

Car boxed in.

Straight out of your commercial, right? That's what I'm trying to tell you.

Miss February was kidnapped because of me.

And we're going to find her.

Where do you plan on starting, Val?

There he is now.

Isn't that the bomb?

Doing office work from the pool?

If you're a flipper.

You'll be good now.

Pleasure. Hello,

Mr. Jansen. Oh, even my daughter calls me Gowler, please.

Gowler, just Gowler.

So much beauty in brains in one human.

Lovely, lovely.

Let's get down to business.

I want all the Millennium contestants to stay right here in the estate.

Fine. Containment works for us. Good.

Who are they?

Well, I have some of the talks from the approved list and a few of the

Millennium contestants.

Breathtaking, aren't they?

All right. We'll work with your existing security.

Good. And do a thorough perimeter check.

Great. Now, listen.

Chloe's going to come down and show you around. So if there's anything you need,

you just ask my assistance.

We need remote surveillance.

This wall is worthless against intruders.

There's something suspicious.

Let me guess. You can handle it?

You got that right.

Excuse me.

This must be the smoking section.

No, not really.

Hi, I'm Amber. Amber Davis.

Last September's rogue centerfold.

With the snake and the rose petals.

You remember?

Who could forget?

Quick Williams.

I hope you don't have to tell Gower about the smoking.

He watches us like a hawk.

Sounds a little strict.

He runs our lives.

Smoking's bad for the skin.

But guess what?

The entire rogue estate is like an L .A. bar.

Minus all the guys handing out cards pretending to be producers, right?

They don't call you quick for nothing.

Well, they don't call me quick for everything either.

The secret's safe with me.

Checked it all out. We'll talk later.

Well, beautiful and talented.

A true rogue centerfold has more to offer than just her body, Valerie.

Our rogue centerfolds are dancers, musicians, filmmakers.

Did you know that all Millennium contestants have to produce an original

It's part of the competition.

Sure. If you produce exactly what they tell you, ask Carmen about that.

This isn't the time channel.

Well, you were talking about our films, weren't you?

I thought they should hear from the other side of the gulag.

Valerie Irons and Associates meet Jennifer Conran, Rogue's October

one of our more independent contestants.

Miss March's film?

She didn't have the guts to ask, but I thought it deserved a look.

It went through channels. If it didn't meet with our standards, it's not my

problem.

This short -sightedness is bad karma, Chloe.

You just wait.

Um, just a thought.

Does Miss Bad Time of the Month have an alibi for the kidnappings?

Jennifer's just a little headstrong, that's all.

Because she's beautiful doesn't mean she's harmless.

I'm glad you're on the case.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

I spoke with Detective Grisby.

No new leads.

I'm not surprised.

Well, Chloe said all the girls stay here. She did.

You and me?

You got it.

Nick, you're in the lead.

What do you want me and Kay to do?

I hear June and July are open.

Really? I was kidding.

No, you're totally AC.

Alternating current?

April's better fold.

You think?

Her car pulled up here.

Let's see where she's going.

What the hell?

Up against the wall now. Move.

Whoa. Lookie here.

Stop it. What are you doing? My job. On the ground. Now. Let's go. Move.

Look at my wallet.

Left of your pocket.

Ah. He's a cop.

He's my husband.

Married? I thought Millennium contestants were supposed to be

That's just a fantasy.

The wild is sneaking around.

What do you think?

Chloe wants me locked up like a nun.

We got married two weeks ago.

Jennifer tried playing ball.

It's for your own protection.

Hey, she's no danger while I'm here.

That's what they all say.

Please, I... We never had our honeymoon.

You can stay and guard here.

Fine. But you're not leaving this room.

Thanks.

Not a problem.

Are you done with that?

I heard something in there. Come on.

They're honeymoon.

You okay?

Man needs to adjust his sights.

Like they weren't aiming for us.

Diversion.

Eli? Frank will light the dart.

At least get her some water.

Yes.

Don't make her shut up.

You're most welcome.

Here, examine the merchandise.

Get up.

And I don't want them in the sun all day.

It's bad for their skin.

Thank God.

Don't bother.

He can't help you.

Take better care of them or there's no deal.

What deal?

What kind of a deal?

What? What did he say?

He speculates how valuable this one's spirit will be at a weekly party we

service in Hong Kong.

I like you, Chang.

Can't seem to hold back your appreciation for beauty.

Even when, uh, you can only raise the price.

Remember what I said.

Good food, no sun.

Oh, I forgot.

It's movie time.

After that, we all get out our blankies and take a nap.

You need a nap.

Something about that whole helicopter thing. It's like right out of a movie.

I ran background on the rogue centerfolds of the month.

Get this.

Miss September's biggest turnoff is mail back care.

I wish I didn't know that.

Were there any useful characteristics?

You still think one of the girls was trying to eliminate the competition?

That's a likely scenario.

That's not it.

The likely suspect.

The likely suspect?

The movie?

Where the ninjas kidnap the waitress in the helicopter?

Oh, that scene gives me chills.

Is there a point here, Siskel, Ebert?

Well, don't you see? The helicopter and everyone being shot up in the hallway.

It's just like in the movie.

Just like the carjacking straight out of Vow's commercial.

Fine. But right now, we've got a rogue magazine photo shoot to secure.

Then I'm gonna go with her.

I like it.

Shall we continue?

Oh, yeah. That's it.

That's good.

That's good.

Yep, yep.

That's it.

I always thought they used their brushes.

Oh, yeah.

Put your eyes back and your head's laughing.

Hi. Hi.

I want to ask her a couple of questions.

Sure.

That's it. That's good.

Attitude, girls.

Can we lose the natural thing for effect?

Oh, gotcha.

Hey, I want to talk to you.

Carmen.

You bunked with Jennifer Conrad on the rogue estate.

Thank you.

I'm Marge. Whole other end of the calendar.

You're someone who shows off every follicle. You're certainly up to it.

Have you got something to hide?

If it makes you feel any better, I'm thinking of dropping out of the

Contest, all right?

So buzz off.

Messengered over from Philly Nolan's office.

Popcorn?

Such a great idea.

The popcorn?

No, the film. Jennifer made such a big deal out of this. I know we're onto

something.

All the clubs in all the world.

She has to walk into this one.

You mean like you mean?

Carmen's not a bad little actress.

Mm -hmm.

Helena's not so bad either.

In the film?

In the popcorn.

Whoa.

You're hurting me.

It's not much, even by student film standards.

Well, but Carmen knows a lot about pop culture.

As in the likely suspects?

Okay, okay, we've done it.

Tasha will never believe that we came up with the lead. Well, we'll just show

her in person.

She and Quick should be at the second part of the photo shoot by now, in the

marina. What are you waiting for?

Take the jack.

No, no, no. Don't touch it.

Don't touch it.

I thought this must be a thing. This must be a real girl, too.

I told Gower not to trust some talk show protection agency.

Hey, Val rescued her.

Barely.

Or maybe that's the way it was supposed to look.

Are you accusing me?

Nice way to divert suspicion.

Arrange your own kidnapping, then screw it up.

We know all about your little film noir, Carmen.

You saw my movie.

Val and I did.

It never made it to me. The judges rejected it because it was black and

Why would a serious contestant ignore rules like that?

I'm not a serious contestant. Tell us where Val is.

I don't know.

I only entered the dumb contest to make enough money for film school.

I'm an artist, not a centerfold.

You're a walking disaster area.

Because of you, Valerie Irons is...

Chloe, I'm sorry.

Come on, Carmen.

Check back in the game quick.

See if they've turned anything on.

The water warm enough, Kelsey?

Excuse me.

Rise and shine, princess.

You don't want to sleep through breakfast now.

Where's my margarita?

Pretty, but no rocket search.

Find it.

Miss October?

Yeah.

I'm so sorry. For what?

And you didn't put us here.

Well, actually, I kind of did.

The way they kidnapped Miss February was like right out of my commercial.

Yeah, but if it wasn't for us, you wouldn't be here, would you?

Well, this is kind of my job.

I'm going to fire myself.

Don't beat yourself up.

Save it for them.

Deal.

Does anybody know how much sodium is in one of these?

I'm not into that.

Checked out the license on that Thugmobile.

Plates were lifted off a stolen Chevy in Bakersfield.

I've been through the security cam video six times.

I must be missing something.

Don't worry, Tasha. We'll find them. She was my responsibility.

I knew she shouldn't have been near any real danger.

Maybe there'll be something on this latest video footage I'm downloading.

Hey, check this out.

This guy gets around.

Who is he?

Some photographer's assistant with his own agenda.

Can we get an ID?

Tim Nakamura.

Cross -check that with the rogue -approved guest list.

Coming right up.

That's weird.

Tim Nakamura is listed as a photographer's assistant, but he's 47

he's requested wheelchair ramp access.

Either there are two Tim Nakamuras or we got a real rogue on our hands.

Everybody's making out on this deal but me.

I don't want to be played for an idiot.

I got my own problems.

I want $10 ,000 more than what we said or I'm going to the police.

Hey, I'm only talking about what I want.

I could do for a lot less.

You owe me!

You know, for what it's worth...

I think it totally rules that you're an awesome bodyguard.

Yeah, awesome.

No, I mean it. I mean, I haven't felt in charge since I competed in the Iron Man

competition.

You're a long -distance swimmer?

I could make it to shore in an hour if it weren't for these cuffs.

If you had a chance to do that, would you give it a try?

I'm having a Baywatch moment.

October here needs to use the ladies' room.

You come, but I go with you.

Hold

it.

Save your strength.

Don't shoot her.

Of course not.

Let the sharks do the dirty work.

Let's add a little chum to the water.

Water will be teeming with predators within minutes.

Valerie! Help me!

Help! Help!

Help!

Hey,

I'm trying to help you. Tell him.

She's not going to be worth anything if she's dead.

She's right.

Fun's over.

Let's get everyone locked up.

We got company.

It's about time you showed up.

Boss?

Calm down. These look like sensible boat shoes to you.

Okay.

All right. All right. Thanks.

Kim Nakamura lost his name tag two weeks ago, right before the first Millennium

Party press conference.

He must have stolen it to gain entry to the grounds.

But who is he?

Don't know for sure, but his Maserati's registered to attend Yoshi.

I enhanced the surveillance video to get a reading on his car tag.

Then I hacked into the D &D. Good work, Kay. And I just downloaded Yoshi's phone

records for the last two months.

This Santa Monica number looks familiar.

That's Chloe Nolan.

And there's her work number.

Why would Chloe be talking to that loser?

Take it out. The door's unlocked.

Chloe?

Looks like someone got here before we did.

Guy Hart, Ace Ventura, Alexis Suspect. Yeah, she's a real flick fan.

Including the one Val said inspired that chopper scent back at the hotel.

Think Chloe did the snatching?

Somebody thinks she's got something to hide.

Nice. Try, girls. I guess the sharks will have to wait for mealtime.

So you're behind the kidnapping, even though you hired us to stop them. Gower

hired you.

Believe me, I tried to talk him out of it.

Very clever.

Original, too.

Except it's right out of my favorite movie, Adventure of Pet Detective.

Sean Young hired Jim Carrey even though she was really the bad guy.

These centerfolds need to be kept in good health to bring in top dollar.

I can't say the same for you.

Excuse me?

You were thinking of filling these girls into some foreign party market, sitting

on some fat guy's laps all day, dressed up like Princess Leia?

I don't think so. Where you're going, women don't talk back.

I suggest you start practicing now. Dry clothes, and this time, keep an eye on

them.

What have we here? A rat in the net?

Maybe we should exterminate him. No!

You want to stay alive?

You better stop talking. Look, I came for money.

She's trying to cheat me.

Cheat? You mean Chloe Nolan?

Where's Valerie Irons?

Look, they're all on a yacht anchored off the coast.

The other girls, too.

This wasn't my idea.

I'll tell you where to find them.

Quite fetching. Our buyers will be pleased.

Now lock them up.

How do you expect to get away with this? It's crazy.

Crazy is how some women are worshipped for their appearance.

You're LTF. You're off the frame.

These girls were all centerfold, and I was never good enough.

Why?

You want to be a centerfold? More times than I care to remember.

Gower never even took notice.

Really? I'm beating Gower at his own game. I'll get rich off their beauty.

Talk about a sore loser.

Time to meet our connection.

Hoist the anchor and set sail.

Right there.

Nice gun.

But I think we got you outnumbered, right, girls?

I want a piece of him all to myself.

Save me a leg.

Chloe, go after the lifeboat.

Stay there.

Wait for me.

Hey, who is that? Just a thought, but you might want to start swimming.

Jump. Jump.

Jump. Jump away.

Nice bluff.

Me work to get out that I bluff.

Negative figure of speech.

You always wore a bleeding heart.

I need...

Well,

I thought you had a lock on Rose Millennium Centiphone.

Well, they didn't get me.

Besides, when you get married, your priorities change.

Sometimes you have to give up some things that you really, really want.

Oh, it happens sometimes when you're single, too.

Just amazing.

Grape.

Bravery and stamina.

Is there anything those girls don't have?

Ow! Refills, anyone?

Oh, that would be a car. Sweet, nothing.

Your team helped save my millennium contest.

In fact, I thought it'd be fun to run a pictorial on someone who works in a

bodyguard agency.

Nothing's flexier than a beautiful woman who can handle a tough situation.

Right, Quick?

Chew that.

Yes, sirree.

I don't think we're ready for that, Gower.

Wouldn't want to lose our cover, so to speak.

Well, I was actually thinking of featuring Miss Simmons.

What do you say, Kay?

Interested? No,

I couldn't possibly.

What, are you crazy?

What do you say, Kay?

Where would you put the staples?

Okay.