Original subtitles

We're totally pinned down.

Not for long.

This baby will blow a baker's steel.

Nikki, no. Why not?

No grenades.

Public building, Nikki. And we don't need another lawsuit.

We'll never get through.

Blow the building.

The others are in the penthouse. The client's dead.

Okay, but I'm still with them.

My point exactly.

He's not here. Let's go.

Yeah, but, uh... Come on!

You're a real bodyguard.

You're still alive, aren't you?

What the hell? Head me to the gym.

Val's done it again.

She really saved the day.

I don't know what we'd do without her.

She's the best thing that ever happened to us.

Say goodbye to the life you once knew.

Leave behind all the sadness and aching.

Just close your eyes and become someone new.

To the great Valerie Iron.

A great leader, a great woman, and more than anything else, a great friend.

Thanks, Tuffin.

You stepped on my foot!

Lovely.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I mean, maybe... Maybe if you pulled your jacket, nobody would know.

I never should have brought her.

Oh, well, Tasha, it was just an accident.

Mellow out?

How can I mellow out when I am trying against all odds to introduce us to a

higher echelon of clientele?

I don't know. Val's attracted her share. I mean, we made good money off of

Caritas. We are talking about royalty.

Come on, come on.

The royal family of Ardina.

King Tholson, Queen Seema, and Crown Prince Jordan.

So, uh...

You really know this guy?

Wait till you see the reception I get when the king's sultan sees me. How are

you? Good to see you.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I'd like to speak to his majesty.

I'm a very good friend of his.

Make an appointment with the embassy.

You don't understand.

I'm Tasha Dexter.

Tasha Dexter?

I assure you, he'll know who I am. I don't care if you're a combination of

Monica.

Valerie Irons.

Valerie Irons.

Father,

you never told me you knew Valerie Irons. Of course.

Of course.

Cardinal rule of being a celebrity.

Every famous person knows every other famous person, whether they do or not.

of Europe is talking about you. Your Majesty.

Hi, Tasha Dexter. Nice to see you again.

I'm partnered with Valerie Irons now. God, such a small world.

Remember me?

Remember? Tasha Dexter from the slopes of Stade.

She was the girl handing out skis.

No.

I was on loan to British MI5.

I saved your life from the assassin.

Carried you for two miles in the snow.

Goodbye, you.

Goodbye to Valerie Irons.

It was so nice to see you again.

So, uh, what does key value mean?

Whatever.

VIP, can I help you?

Yes, Mr. Tenzel. I'm Mr. Williams.

How's that?

Perfect. Right there.

You're not going to make me stand in front of it, are you?

She does that sometimes.

You can sit at my desk and watch.

Just don't go through my drawers this time.

No problem.

Observe.

Wow. One of six places you can neutralize a man and still keep him

interrogation.

Now you try.

So remember, at this distance, then I should make three full revolutions.

Three revolutions.

Left foot forward.

Left foot forward.

One of the six

places?

All right, seven.

And guess what?

Ouch, man.

Mr. Tenzel called.

Prince Yadon has just requested a meeting between VIP and the royal

Sweating with this dog in his juju bowl, you know.

It's got no brain.

No,

no, I'm not a soul.

I'm not around.

Till the new chance day.

Well, game called.

Miss Irons, the king is expecting you.

And my associates?

My associates?

We'll see.

We'll see?

What job do they think Val can do alone?

Why, royal matchmaker of course.

If the rules for royal mating in our country are very strict, this is why we

need you.

I told Mom and Pop, since I need protection and a matchmaker, who better

with than the great Valerie Irons.

Sure. That sounds like fun.

I guess I'll see you guys later.

Excuse me, Tiny.

Quick Williams.

How y 'all doing? Good, good.

Looking good, Queen. Love it. That's good. Good.

So, I got a question.

What is it we're afraid of here with all this security?

Our country is in turmoil.

Not everyone favors the monarchy these days.

Many of the rebels...

who have opposed me have escaped to the U .S. In short, a lot of people here

want to die.

If there was ever any real danger, we would never let Miss Irons bodyguard the

prince alone.

Oh, of course.

That's how she trained us.

Right? Yes.

Why don't you explain your training technique to the king?

Um... Uh... Uh... Lemos.

The, uh...

Limousine, grounds, and engagement technique.

Where a famous client goes, the entire team must follow.

Brilliant.

Brilliant.

Would 10 ,000 a day suffice?

Kay, access the computer and pull up everything you have on the kingdom of

Ardina. Artina.

Restored to a monarchy after the fall of the communist bloc. What about royal

weddings? Uh, let's see. Royal weddings.

Royal weddings are arranged by an official matchmaker who is appointed by

reigning monarch.

So Val is the boss? That's the bottom line?

Yes. The royal knot -tying is definitely in her court.

Now access the database on Artina's official enemies.

Certain sects considered enemies of the Ardennian state, blah, blah, blah, are

considered dangerous and are therefore subject to execution.

You went through my drawers, didn't you?

No.

Royal matchmaker?

What's up with that title?

That poor prince.

He must be bored. It's yours.

And then I said, hey mister.

If I wanted to pay full price, I wouldn't have bounced the check.

You see, there's no way to enjoy shopping in my country, I can tell you

I don't know, you're pretty well put together there, Prince.

What is that, a suede at Silverson?

I'm a royal.

Ah, common is on Floss and Versace, is that it?

I can barely afford to eat.

But maybe with the right wife I can change all that.

Well, let me tell you.

As royal matchmaker, I've been giving that a lot of thought. Already?

Uh -huh.

Get ready to meet the girl of your dreams.

Ow!

I thought when you said prince, you meant some mama's boy from Jersey.

You look great.

You're right.

He's very down -to -earth.

Prince Jordan, this is my very best friend, Maxine.

Hello. Hi, hi.

She was counter -person of the month three times in a row.

Oh. Yeah, yeah, I can tell the exact right amount of condiments just by the

of the button.

Oh, well, perhaps when I find my future wife, we'll come here for a bite.

Yeah, that'd be great. The princess here.

Next, I'd like to go here.

These women would make fine wives.

Yeah, they're probably real good cooks.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the world's famous Galactica Club.

with Sandy the Parable in the pit of warm gelatin.

I open the auction at 20. Do I get 20? 20? 20? $40 ,000.

I think you opened a little high, but I'll take this for you.

Thanks.

You got a problem?

No,

but you will if you get any of that hoodoo on my Gucci loafers.

Nikki, to the right.

I'm on it.

Stay with the prince, pal.

God, what a great way to meet women.

That's the best part of our video.

Nikki,

non -grenade. No problem.

Somebody help me. Get these women off of me.

Oh, God, help.

Val, get in here. Somebody help.

Save the client.

Get these women off of me.

Freeze. I said stay down.

It's not that.

I'm having more fun than I ever thought possible.

You know, full service agency.

Oh.

Now I understand why Val is the boss.

He's so full of life, yet always on the alert.

We're so sorry. We never dreamed it could be such an assassination attempt.

That guy gave us a hundred bucks to put him down.

It's a bit of a fraternity prank.

No harm done.

Stick for yourself.

It's better come out in the wash.

three servants and a full -time tutor.

Thank you. Did you ever order the servants to, like, blow up the tutor?

Well, yes, but then I wouldn't have been prepared for the Ednikoff College of

Arts and Letters.

Yes, my entire life was planned.

Right down to where and when you'd find a bride.

Well, the prince doesn't make the rules, but he certainly must follow them.

Don't worry, don't worry.

We'll find you a wife.

Yes, but will she accept a husband with such strict rules and regulations?

VIP. Pizza.

Oh, I'm sorry. That was me. I ordered several on Val's phone.

I got it.

That's New York style.

You can't get it in an Ardina.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm not a kid by you.

You speak hard enough.

Not me.

Uh, you speak hard enough. Do you believe in faith?

Why?

It's coming to the right there.

I'm going to A -line.

Ask for your makeup?

Hmm. Let me see.

Listen.

Dusty Rose.

It'll have to be something with your hair.

It doesn't have to be something with my hair.

Oh, okay.

Dress. Let me see.

Shoes. Perfect.

Green. Oh, red dress.

Got it.

Your style.

Everybody.

This. It's Alice.

She's 26, single, getting her doctorate at UCLA for Romance Languages, and she

knows and understands the ways of Ardina.

I guess that makes you bachelor number one.

Hi.

Valerie,

thanks for making my last pizza delivery.

No problem.

You guys get comfy back there.

Wow,

I'm not sure they're hitting it off.

You know, maybe... to go somewhere really romantic.

Quick check three. Black stand.

Window down. Looks like a scope. Get the client out of here. All right. Copy

that.

Val, get the client back to the penthouse. Now.

Move, move, move, move, move.

Are you going to be okay?

Yeah. Move. Go, go, go.

Get your little help here. Come on.

Want to put that bulletproof glass to the test?

Mr. Williams, I did not realize it was you.

Really? You see, a lot of brothers would have fine -suited a big gun hanging

with your prince.

I thought you might shoot at me.

Yeah, well, now you know we will.

Why are you following us?

I'm following the prince, or was until you came along.

I thought we were his bodyguards.

When you're a royal from Ardina, you can't have too much protection.

Look, Tito, the prince is in good hands.

Next time you want to check up, give us a call.

Forgive me for interrupting.

Take a close look.

They are together now?

You know what this means.

The prince is in danger.

Kill her.

The little place I call home.

Hello.

Maxine. No, no, no, no, no.

I'm Maxine's younger sister, Olavia.

Well, you've got it all over your sister.

Well, aren't you as sweet as sugar with half the calories?

Nice to meet you, Olavia.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Olavia.

Know yourself.

So, tell Belle that next time she brings the handsome prince home, make sure

he's alone.

I quit.

Maxine.

Where'd they... Do I give good matchmaker what?

If they were any more into each other, they'd need ointment.

Ointment?

She's going to get all goose bumpy.

Look, Alex is wonderful.

But?

No, there's always a but.

It has to do with her heritage.

You would have had no way of knowing.

But my father and my father will see it on their face.

He'll never approve.

This is ridiculous.

Look at you two.

I know. It's total kismet.

But one of our customs is that the royal matchmaker has final approval, despite

what my parents say.

So you guys want to see each other unbeknownst to your parents?

Like in a fairy tale?

With your help, yes.

Oh, that is so romantic.

I must have you before you marry she whose feet I am not worthy to clean.

Take me!

How dare you ask me to violate my bride like this? Guards! Off with her head!

Yes, my prince, it is I.

And since we're about to be married, I want you to be all of us.

All of us.

All of us. All of us.

Tasha, you're being silly.

Look at them. They've been like this for three days.

Yeah, Tosh. Maybe they're a little nauseating.

But she seems cool.

Here's the file you requested on Alex.

Thanks, Kay.

DMV, TRW, it all checks out.

She really is just a harmless pizza girl.

I smell something fishy, and I'm not talking anchovies.

We're missing something. It's called romance.

You know, true love doesn't have to be logical.

It's magical.

Oh, please.

What are the chances of us finding a girl who speaks Ardenys right here at

doorstep? A little convenient, don't you think?

Isn't it time to, like, blow something up?

Valerie, Alex and I would like to go to the beach.

Nikki, quick.

Can you guys get ready?

It's decoy time.

Something's different about you.

Is that a wig?

What? You don't think I look like a prince?

Let me tell you something.

There's no other way you move.

Yes,

there's all of them. Come on.

I'm watching over you. I'm watching over you. Hey.

I'm watching over you.

You never get away.

I'm watching over you.

I'm watching over you.

Get away.

Get away.

You guys are like Romeo and Juliet.

Yes, well, sometimes true love must be fought for.

You're so lucky.

Now, my parents will be asleep here.

I'll give Val the key to the suite, and I'll wait for you in my bedchamber here.

Now, your job is to distract the guards so Alice can sneak into my room where we

will consummate our love.

And our Dunyan law says once you do that, not even the king and queen can

you from marrying.

Jordan, you risk so much for me.

If I may use the American colloquialism, you ain't do nothing yet, baby.

Call that a background check. That is not a background check.

Doesn't Interpol count for anything?

Interpol? Do you know how easy it is to change an Interpol file?

I change an Interpol file more often than I change my underwear.

Really? It's a figure of speech, Kay.

I'll run another check.

Not another check. A deeper check.

Or are you afraid your hero, Valerie Irons, will be upset with you?

She's not my hero.

Hacking into CIA.

Use F4. I have it on the script.

What about that time we had to get out of that barn?

That took six feet of dead effuse.

Yeah. Hey, aren't we supposed to be lovers, right?

Maybe we make out for a minute or two.

Just for appearances.

Let's get it on then.

Right on the table, baby.

All right, it was just a suggestion.

You take things too far.

Ah, you're catching on.

Excuse me, can we get a glass of water? Ask your busboy. I'm off the clock

because of right now.

Why is he in such a hurry?

Something's not right.

I smell sulfur.

Acid fuse.

Bomb under my chair.

Okay, can you handle it? Yeah.

Is everything all right, miss?

There's just a small bomb on the underside of my chair.

I have to defuse it before it takes out half the block.

No biggie. I see.

You want to play?

What, brother? This is going to seriously affect your tip. What? Come

on. Come on.

How's that back?

Okay.

Let's get you up to date.

First, you may have guessed, I am no prince.

I ain't even an artist formerly known as Prince. Second, you tell me who sent

you, or what you just got will be your appetizer, and your entree is going to

the house special. Well.

Which I'll do on your butt all day long till you talk.

How about for dessert we feed him this little side order?

What are you doing?

Just carrying this around as a souvenir.

But the detonator is still on. It could go off any second.

It's a problem with acid fuses.

Totally unpredictable.

Well, you better talk a little faster. It was not the prince I was ordered to

kill. It was the girl. I thought you were Alex.

Why? Mr. Tenzel gave the order. Why?

He said she was dangerous.

Get out of here.

That's pretty good.

But you can defuse that.

You did defuse it, didn't you?

Okay, well, I'll see you at the car.

These are the CIA's files on all foreign female operatives who speak Ardennes.

Okay, stop.

Go back.

Morph that photo.

Give her light brown hair.

Take off those gloves.

Fuller lips.

Smaller nose.

Wow.

How did she do that?

Hair color, collagen, and a nose job.

Florentine Swan, Eastern Bloc mercenary and assassin for hire currently at

large.

Uh -oh.

Hello, Valerie Irons. Where's Jordan?

Right here with Alex. Get him away from her.

Her real name is Florentine Swan, and she's a stone pillar.

Tasha, you gotta get over this.

Sal, it's Kay.

He's right.

I did the check myself.

Oh, this really sucks.

I know. It's so sad.

Jordan's heart's going to be broken.

Jordan's heart isn't going to be beating if you don't move.

Val, be careful.

I'm on my way.

I know you can.

I'm having a bad day.

Nikki, no. No.

No grenade launcher.

Uh, where's Alex?

Way to keep a secret.

Look, Jordan, I don't want to scare you or anything, but Alex isn't Alex.

She's some kind of a hit lady or something.

Uh, there's a woman in a lavender suit and she's running around here somewhere.

She's a... Really not a nice person, so fan out and find her, please.

What are you doing?

Let me go!

The king is not going to be very happy about this. They don't work for the

They work for me.

Jordan.

Don't be king, Jordan.

As soon as Alex and I have completed our plan, it will appear as if she snuck

past the guards and killed my parents.

And then killed you as you valiantly protected me.

I thought you were a good person.

Well, to the rebel movement, I still am.

Take her outside.

Oh, and, uh... Have those ridiculous Hollywood bodyguard shots.

We're gonna kick some butt and take names. Take names later.

Move fast.

Quiet. Right. We've got the element of surprise.

You?

I got a bad feeling about this.

Nikki, stop the elevator.

I said stop it, not kill it.

I got a plan.

Going down? Don't even think about it.

That's right.

Hold it right there.

Oh, it's okay. I'm supposed to be here.

The world matchmaker Valerie Ired set it up with the prince.

Wait a second.

I should freshen up. I don't want to look messy for a time.

Don't I look prettier?

I don't see any guards.

We'll barricade ourselves in. Help will come soon.

How could you do this to your parents?

It has nothing to do with their parenting skills.

Ardina needs a new king.

Have you ever heard of elections?

You're amazingly shrewd, Val Irons.

I guess that's what makes you so formidable.

People try to guess what's going on inside your head, and the answer is...

nothing.

At least you won't live to feel the shame of bringing an assassin into the

suite.

And I, of course, will be innocently waiting in my bedchamber for the tryst

you orchestrate.

You know, I thought you were a nice guy.

But you're just a little brat.

we mustn't cut that pretty little throat with an Ardenian knife.

Drown her.

Make it reasonably fast.

Not in the Ardenian fountain!

Nikki, you got anything like a smoke bomb?

I want a smoke bomb.

Tasha, give me your backup piece.

Did I hurt you with the Ardenian vape?

King Stoltan, it's Valerie Irons.

Valerie Irons.

You tried to kill me, Stoltan.

Not nice, even if you did know why I was here.

But how did... Once you've mastered Ardenys, imitating the great Valerie

it's easy.

Not as easy as you think.

Drop the gun.

You really think you can take me?

Three revolutions and you're dead.

I'm an expert with a knife.

Three revolutions.

Maybe at 16 feet.

We're at 8 feet, so it would take one and a half revolutions.

One and a half?

Well...

Florentine Swan.

We meet again.

So Valerie Irons was on to me the whole time.

No, I was on to you the whole time.

You? Who are you?

Sasha Dexter.

Remember?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry. Need to apologize.

At least she's consistent.

And here's the real culprit.

Look at them.

It's all business.

There's no passion there.

Miss Irons, we must thank you again.

Yes. What will you do with him?

What would you suggest?

With all your laws and rules, you must have something to cover this sort of

thing. Our law says assassins should be put to death.

Okay, let me ask you a question.

Are you really as bad a king as Jordan says you are?

Are you oppressive and all that?

Well, maybe I'm a little oppressive.

You're extremely oppressive, my dear. Don't start with me. I'm not saying

yourself on a keg party or anything. I'm just saying, you know, a couple of

years in prison, maybe talk to the rebels in person. The king will never go

that.

We shall see.

Oh, many things.

We're so lucky to have you around.

Jordan, I don't care how many years we rot in prison, I'll always love you.

Don't you?

Alex and Jordan actually really did love each other.

You just can't let it go, can you?

Well, now I know I'm a really good matchmaker.

Val, you didn't fix them up. It was a setup, remember?

Well, I wasn't wrong about the romance thing.

Whatever. Wake up.

You know I'm right.

Later. You're right. Two weeks before Valentine's Day, you're going to be

begging me to set you guys up.

Whatever. You will.

You're funny. She's a comedian now.

Maybe she'll be up for the night, Tara.